**A/N: WE ARE IGNORING SPELLING ERRORS/GRAMMAR MISTAKES. I wanted to get this out this week, but didn't have enough time to send it to my lovely betas. Therefore, it'll be riddled with mistakes. I do have plans to go through the entire story at one point and fix everything that hadn't been editted before, but that was my summer project before I got hired full time. Now it's a future mission of mine. Nothing irritates me more than grammar errors.
Chapter 9- Broken Glass
"Because we dance, that doesn't mean we're in love. Like broken glass, this love will never last. Like broken glass, this love will never last."
~Broken Glass, Inner Circle
"You can't avoid her forever," Bucky reminded Steve. They were currently at the SSR base, looking at the map marked with the HYDRA bases. Bethany was a few ways away talking to the Colonel. The last few weeks had been hell for Steve. What seemed to make matters worse was the fact that Bethany hardly seemed to react to it. She seemed completely fine, going about her day as usual. Well, minus the flirting and kissing she exchanged with Steve. But from an outsider, she looked like a typical girl.
Of course, Bucky wasn't an outsider. Neither was Steve, but he was so blind by betrayal and heartbreak that he couldn't see what he did. Not that Bucky blamed him. He wanted to hate the blonde, but he just couldn't. And it wasn't just because he could tell that something was wrong despite her very convincing mask. It was because even if Steve hated her now, he hadn't before, and he wouldn't forever. No matter how hard the Captain tried.
"Yes, I can," Steve stated stubbornly. He was glaring at her from his place at the table, fists clenched and face filled with anger. "Once this war is over, I'll never have to see her again."
"I know you," Bucky reminded his friend. "You love her."
"Loved," Steve stressed. "I don't anymore."
"No, you think you don't," Bucky replied.
Steve turned his gaze to his friend this time. "I don't want to have this conversation again, okay Buck? I can't… I can't handle it. It's too much."
Bucky sighed softly, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I know, Steve. And you know I wouldn't be defending her unless I thought something was wrong. It was only earlier that day that you were saying that there was something off."
"Yeah," Steve snapped, surprised he even had to say this. "Because she was going to an aborti-"
"I know," Bucky interrupted, looking around to see if he caught anyone's attention. "But even now… Don't you think there's something different about her?"
"She looks proud," Steve all but spat.
Bucky nodded, agreeing. She did look awfully proud of herself. "The Bethany I know, the one that you fell in love for and by default, I learned to love… that isn't her."
"She's not my responsibility anymore," Steve replied, but Bucky could tell that it wasn't as confident and final as the soldier was hoping it to sound.
"You can't avoid her forever," Bucky repeated, his tone soft. "You need to talk to her. I'm not saying today. But you do. Steve, do you know how close you were to spending your entire life with her? Feelings like that don't change overnight, no matter what people do. Hate is a slow process. You're fighting your feelings for her. You hate yourself for not hating her more than you actually hate her."
"You've said that before," Steve pointed out, looking like he was nearing an emotional breaking point.
"I've never known you to back down, Rogers," Bucky began. "It seems like you're giving up really easy. I'm not saying forgive her. At least not today. But you need to ask yourself if being miserable without her is worse than being miserable with her. And if there is something wrong with her, then maybe living happily ever after could still happen. It could, Steve."
Bucky said no more, watching as Bethany finished talking to Phillips and started towards the tunnels to the lab. She looked amazing, her hair in perfect soft waves, bouncing with every step. She was barely wearing any makeup, letting her natural beauty shine, except for a dark red pout. On her jaw dropping curves, she wore a tight blue dress. Bucky knew this wasn't making Steve's life any better. The Captain probably still had lustful feelings for her. He opened himself up to her in a way he never did with another woman, and probably assumed he wouldn't ever again.
"It's her loss," Bucky concluded. "I'm not on her side. Don't ever think that. But I do know that the Steve that was head-over-heels in love with her not too long ago would've been grateful for what I'm saying right now. And you know that too."
Out of all the places in Germany to remember anything, it was a crummy bar that Kiley had picked out for them. He was eight drinks in, and it seemed to only fuel the memories. He wondered if he'd continue to remember them, or if they'd fade away like a dream did throughout the day.
Kiley was only on her fourth drink, but was having four times more fun than he was. There were too many people around. The entire building smelled. Of what, he wasn't sure, but it just plain smelled. And the music was too loud. It was a live band, and while they were singing in English, the words weren't formed correctly from the language barrier. He wanted to go home.
Home, he repeated, wondering where that was exactly. At the hotel? Their crappy car? Brooklyn? The last one seemed to be the most comfortable of the options. And he caught himself longing for it. But he knew he couldn't go back now. He didn't even know if he ever would again.
But he continued to sit there, watching as men of all shape and size came over to flirt with Kiley. He seemed to be invisible, and he figured that was a good thing. That was at least a skill he picked up from his training that would come in handy in his every day life. She would casually talk to them, smile and laughing, but never returning the flirting. For a moment, he caught himself thinking how out of character that was until he realized he was thinking about Bethany.
Bethany had always been a flirt. Even when she was with Steve, she didn't stop. She never let anything go anywhere, but it was just a natural part of her personality that she couldn't shake. Steve had been bothered by it, but never said anything.
"Oh, I love this song!" Kiley declared, so loud that the band actually heard her statement, the lead singer letting out a hearty laugh.
"Well, come on up pretty girl," He suggested in his thick accent.
Kiley's face broke up into a smile, as if all her dreams were coming true. She looked to Bucky for approval, however, and he rewarded her with a small smile. He watched as she sauntered up to the stage, smiling like a fool and fearing nothing. The smile on his face now wasn't forced. Seeing her up there, the purple-pink stage lights shining on her long curly, blonde hair like magic and a smile that could kill.
"Well, that's all right mama, that's all right for you," Kiley began, making many of the men she had talked to earlier hoot and holler. Bucky had heard her sing before, but never like this. Her voice was as light as a lark, and he could hear her Southern tang ringing clear through all her words.
"I'm leaving town, baby. I'm leaving town for sure. Well, then you won't be bothered with me hangin' 'round your door," She continued to sing as the band's singer joined.
Bucky chuckled under his breath as he watched her sway and dance in her spot. On the stage was no trace of the woman he left New York with. It was a free spirit, having known no pain, no suffering and no oppression. The idea was powerful and Bucky suddenly grew fonder for the woman.
He got it now. It was so much more than what he used to think about the situation, about women. About Kiley. Looking at her for the first time, he didn't see her beauty. He didn't hear the beautiful voice. He didn't see her. But now, watching her, really looking at her and knowing that she was beautiful, knowing that her voice was full of singing doves and larks and knowing that she was so much more than all of that… He understood it all now. He understood how Steve could and would continually forgive, protect and love his wife. It was more than just love. These women… they were everything to the childhood friends. Kiley was everything.
He loved that she knew him, understood every aspect and helped him find the true self hidden deep through years of torture and brainwashing and lies, no matter how hard the challenge. She knew everything and accepted him as a friend, as a confident, as an equal. It was more than just understanding, but the fact that she healed the hurt others had caused him. She had found him broken, used and unable to take any more of the pressures his past was forcing on him and she was able to take the pieces and put him back together again. He needed the right kind of attention, of friendship, of love to get to where he was now, able to not only love who he was becoming, but another person.
Bucky loved her more than he had ever loved anyone else. It wasn't like all the flings he thought he loved, filled with passion and lust, but with a deeper need of just having her. He ached when she wasn't around, and even when she was, his fingers itched to touch her hair. However, he didn't want to ruin the friendship they created, a friendship that brought him back from the dead and filled him with promise of a better day. She had taught him how to carry on, if that's what he wanted. And when he wanted to find out about his past, she didn't let him go off on his own. He couldn't live without her, and couldn't risk ever losing her. If the only way he could be with her was through friendship, he'd have to make it work.
Then there was the fact that he believed she deserved someone with only goodness filling every inch of their soul. Someone who could love her, protect her and promise to be his best every day and actually fulfill that. Bucky couldn't. He couldn't promise control of his nightmares, control of his emotions and in general control of his self and that was terrifying. Knowing that it was possible he could hurt her, just a slip of the moment, having her pinned up against the wall, his arm around her neck like he had done to Bethany all those months ago.
Before, he thought he couldn't love someone else until he loved himself. But he loved her despite not loving himself. And now, with her on that stage with no cares and throwing giant smiles in Bucky's direction, her eyes filled with wonder… It was the best feeling Bucky had experienced in months. In anything but blurred memories. It may have even been the best he felt in his entire life.
All he wanted was to go back in time and change his fate, to somehow bring him to this moment in time, but a better man, a man that was worthy of her.
As the song ended, she hopped off the stage, receiving applause from everyone in the bar. "Thank you," she laughed as she tried to make her way to Bucky. "Did you see that?"
She threw herself towards him, the force jolting the table and Bucky's drink scattering to the floor, broken glass scattering close to Kiley's feet. She didn't seem to notice however as she held him in an excited hug. Bucky didn't hesitate to hold onto her tightly. "You were amazing," he said honestly.
"I've always wanted to have a rock star moment," she admitted, her smile not faltering for a moment. "Although, I guess a country star moment is more appropriate considering where I'm from."
"You were amazing," he repeated, smiling down at her proudly.
"Come and dance with me? Please?" She begged, a brilliant smile on her face.
"Sure," he replied, not having the ability to say no. Goddamnit, he thought to himself as she smiled widely at his approval. This isn't going to end well.
"What's the matter with your feel right? Don't you feel right, baby? Hey, oh, yeah. Get it from the main vine, alright," Bethany sang along with the stereo, holding a whisk up to her face and dancing around the kitchen. Jamie was on the island tucked inside his bouncer, laughing at Bethany's antics, while Theo sat beside him smiling lightly as he coloured in a turkey.
Steve was leaning against the wall to the kitchen, his presence not yet known, but unable to keep his smile off his face. It was Thanksgiving and Bethany had volunteered to make some of the dishes for the night and was currently working on her cheese sauce, something he remembered her eating straight from the pot the year before.
It was baffling to think that just a year prior, Bethany had been pregnant. Time seemed to be flying and he wished it would slow down. "Come and get your love, come and get your now…" Bethany sang moving close to Jamie, dropping the whisk and grabbing his little hands and moving them in dancing motions, making the baby laugh even more. Steve raised a hand to his lips to keep his laughter at bay, not wanting to ruin this moment.
"Lalalalalalalalalalalala," Bethany sang along, shaking her head in front of Jamie like a fool, even fully catching Theo's attention. Steve let his laughter slip, his wife looking over to him with a bright smile. "The boys and I decided that happy music makes people happy. And we're being happy, right Theo?"
"Right," Theo nodded dutifully, working on his colouring with a passion.
Steve's smile dropped a little as he moved over to take his wife's hands to start dancing with her. Theo's trip to the therapist had been… emotional. But the doctor suggested colouring as a therapeutic experience and to try and lift the moral surrounding Theo. The little kid really had no problem in speaking what was on his mind. And Steve could already tell the Theo was happier, but his dreams kept him up at night. He spent the night before cuddled between Steve and Bethany after a bad dream. Not that Steve minded, he just knew that the kid was too young to have those types of dreams.
"I'm impressed," Bethany said as the song changed and Steve adjusted their melody.
"With?" Steve asked, confusion clear in his brow.
"Your dancing," Bethany explained, snaking one arm around his neck. "Like a real Casanova."
Steve had completely forgot about that. About how the Bethany who patiently taught him to dance was somewhere lost in darkness. It was hard having her right there, in his arms and knowing that she wasn't who he kept thinking she was. "I-I had a great teacher," Steve replied softly.
"You're amazing, actually," Bethany complimented as they sauntered around the kitchen casually. "I've had a lot of men step on my toes. Not that I would notice now."
Steve chuckled. "That would have been a benefit when I was first learning."
"I bet I didn't mind," Bethany added.
"No, you didn't," Steve agreed, thinking about how many times he accidentally trotted on her toes before he mastered the art. "But I'm glad I'm better now."
"I wish you asked me to dance back then," Bethany admitted. Steve was a little taken back, since the Other Bethany hadn't even said that to him. "Not that this isn't… you know… But… I wanted you to ask me. I knew how much it meant to you, but I really wanted you to ask me. I guess I was crushing back then and I didn't know it."
Steve smiled, thinking about that. He liked the idea that she wanted to be in his arms. That she wanted him to tell her how he felt. That she had wanted him like he wanted her, even if she didn't know that then. "You always had more than enough dance partners," Steve reminded her.
"None of them were you," Bethany replied, making Steve's heart soar. "Bucky told me that I should have asked you. But I told him that if you wanted to dance, you'd have to ask me."
"You never told me this," Steve admitted to her, their dance movements less on cue to the music and more to their own melody. "I wanted to take you dancing. Then you had to go and break your foot around people."
"Yeah, and then I ruined everything when we actually had a chance…" She said quietly, looking down.
"I forgive you," Steve whispered.
"You shouldn't," Bethany replied softly.
Steve kissed the top of her head, using one hand to crane her head up so she would look at him. "That's what love is. Some days, I wake up and… I don't want to forgive you. But I almost lost you. More than once. And I know you're different. I know you regret it. And that's all I really wanted, Beth. You didn't… you didn't seem to regret it then. Or even realize that what you did was wrong. I know you wouldn't make that mistake twice. And I love you too damn much."
"I love you too," Bethany whispered with a small smile. "Probably even more now then I did then."
"You know what really helped?" Steve began. "Waking up, sixty-some years later and seeing that you had taken the years hard."
"Gee, thanks," Bethany rolled her eyes.
"All I mean is that… it helped to see that you felt guilty. That you learned. And that you didn't move on. Because you couldn't move on. I could tell you were different, and not just wearing a mask," Steve explained.
"Yeah," Bethany breathed, looking over to where the boys were. Theo was still happily colouring the turkey in and Jamie had taken interest in his hands. "I wish I knew then what I know now."
"You were sick," Steve reminded her.
"I hate using that as an explanation. I still made those decisions. I can't blame being bipolar on every bad decision I've made. I could, but I won't. I won't, Steve."
This was something he knew about her, but he didn't know what to say. He settled with leaning down to kiss her again.
Clint helped himself to the leftovers in the Rogers' fridge. They had made more than enough food for Thanksgiving, and since he hadn't been there, he decided that this food was his by right. He knew Bethany wouldn't mind, and Steve probably wouldn't say anything either. But he knew that both Tony and Thor were in love with Bethany's gravy and cheese sauce and had their hopes set on having both those and what was left of the turkey. Finder's keepers, losers' weepers, he thought with a smug smile as he put the plate into the microwave.
He had been reluctant to go back to the Tower. What he really wanted to do was stay with his family. But he knew that he had a job to do, and while they hadn't really been fulltime Avengers, that was changing, and soon. Thor had been going on for months on how they needed to find Loki's sceptre and while Clint could personally go the rest of his life without being in an one-hundred-foot radius of that thing, he knew that Thor had a point. Better in their hands than in someone else's. Then there was the whole HYDRA thing too. Steve had been pushing for that when he wasn't sleep deprived or worrying about something else. He and Natasha had gathered a lot of intel on quick little missions and Maria was doing her thing as well. The prospect of going back out was exciting.
"Clint," Steve said in a loud whisper, gathering the archer's attention. "Come see this," Steve added with a smile.
Steve's head popped back into his bedroom, where Clint followed, despite the microwave signalling that it was finished. As soon as he made his way into the room, he chuckled. Both Jamie and Bethany were on their stomachs, head facing them, mouths hung open in their slumber.
"Don't they look alike?" Steve asked, reaching down to move a stray piece of Bethany's back with the rest.
"Yeah, they do," Clint agreed. It had to be the lips. Jamie had clearly inherited those from his mother, but with them pursed in the same way as Bethany's, they were identical. He definitely had Bethany's curls as well. "Proud husband and father, eh Rogers?"
"I've waited a long time for this," Steve breathed.
Clint nodded slowly, watching the solider opposed to the sleeping Rogers. Clint had been there when Bethany saw Steve for the first time in sixty some years. He had stood beside her, telling her everything was going to be okay, all well Bethany had told Steve the same thing. They had come a long way in a short time, but Clint knew that it was longer for Steve. Even longer for Bethany. It had been a long time coming.
Ever since Bethany and Steve brought Jamie home, he missed his own family even more. Not to say he didn't every day anyways, but he could see a family working with his crazy life when he was around them. Clint had been very close to telling everyone about his wife and kids before the explosion happened. Then he was reminded that keeping them a secret kept them safe. And if that meant missing them, then that's what it meant. At least with the Rogers, Steve's healing was increased, Bethany's healing was on steroids and little Jamie seemed to have a good variant of the two, but no one really wanted to give that a test run. Theo was the only one who was normal. And it made him think of his own two kids, Lila and Cooper. Theo was struggling enough; he didn't want that for his own kids.
"How's Bethany's tracker coming along?" Clint asked as Steve led him back out into the kitchen, closing the bedroom door behind him.
"It's… coming," Steve filled in. "We don't know how long ago Jen seemingly dropped off the face of the Earth, so we don't really know how much longer it'll be."
"But as soon as you find it-"
"We'll head out," Steve nodded, watching Clint as he took his plate out of the microwave. "Theo's been in therapy for a little over a week now, and while it's helping… I can just tell he needs his faith restored. He doesn't seem to understand why anyone would do what they did. To kids, they know good and bad. But they don't know why. Theo is under the impression that Jen is bad because she's not around."
"The kid could be right," Clint reminded Steve, taking a big spoonful of his food.
"He could," Steve nodded. "But he could be wrong. We won't know until we find her. And even then… Beth, Maria and I were talking about what happens then. We can't just let her waltz around free without knowing that she's one; sane and two; not working for HYDRA."
"But at the same time, you don't want to treat her like a prisoner," Clint added. "That won't be good for her or Theo."
Steve nodded in agreement before sighing. "Was it always this hard?"
"Kids change everything," Clint said with his mouth full.
"Beth and I want to go out. Get a night alone together. We haven't had one since we returned to the Tower," Steve explained. "But we know we can't leave Theo and Jamie. Theo has been crawling into bed with us almost every night and Jamie refuses to sleep in his own crib now. If he can't look at Bethany while he's falling asleep, he'll just cry and cry until she comes. I think it's getting on her nerves."
"She seems fine around him."
Steve sighed, and Clint knew it was more than just that. Nothing was ever that simple. Especially when it came to Bethany Stark. "She loves him. She says that everyday. They have a connection, but it isn't the same. And she's not in the right mentality to be a mother twenty-four hours a day. It took eight months to get her there, and now it's only been, what? Almost three weeks? To redo all that building?"
"Tough break," Clint sympathized.
"I'm worried," Steve admitted. "I trust her with him, one hundred percent. I don't trust her with herself, though. I feel like she thinks I expect certain things from her. And maybe I do. I don't know how to go about it all."
"Any progress on her memories?" Clint wondered, spooning some more food into his mouth and savoring the taste of Bethany's cheese sauce.
Steve shook his head. "I think she's avoiding them. She's admitted to getting little pieces here and there, typically when she's throwing punches and kicks. When her blood is pumping. But the only thing she remembers is the bad. She doesn't want to relive it. I want her to go to therapy, I just don't know how to go about asking her."
"When the time comes, you'll know," Clint promised. "But she definitely needs a night out. I'd watch them. Recruit Nat. I'm sure we'd find a way to get the boys to sleep. When does Jackson come back?"
"I talked to him this morning and he was thinking next week some time. Not that I blame him for wanting to be away longer," Steve shared.
"Pick a night," Clint suggested. "She needs it. You need it. It's not going to be long before we set out again. We've known this for a while. You may not be free with a family, but it's a different type of not being free when we're working."
"There's nothing free about being alone," Steve replied honestly. "I hate being alone. I always have."
"Well, it's a good thing your wife can't die," Natasha voiced as she came into the apartment. "I left Theo with Tony. They're messing around with the Iron Boy suit."
Clint watched as Steve cringed at the name and the idea, but he knew that there was only so much he could do. "Any news from Nick?"
"No, why?" Natasha asked Steve, leaning against the island.
"I just assumed we would have heard something from him by now," Steve replied.
Clint chuckled. "Well, you know what they say about assuming."
"I did hear from Maria," Natasha said, ignoring Clint. "She's complied a list of buildings with strange occurrences or purchases. Most of them in remote locations, but if some of these places are HYDRA, they're getting sloppy."
"I don't want to go in all guns a-blazing if it's just a normal work place," Steve said. "People are still skeptical of us after the whole Triskelion thing. The last thing we need is more distrust."
"Clint and I can head out and scout. Do a closer inspection. Maria also has some contacts that can confirm some of the places for us. A lot of former SHIELD agents have agreed to go undercover to get information."
"No," Steve said strongly. "That's a terrible idea. They could get caught, or fed us false information."
"Sometimes the risks outweigh the benefits," Clint reminded Steve. "But it can just be Nat and I. I don't mind. Keep us busy. It's been a while since we've done anything like that. It would be fun."
"Use your ballroom dancing technique?" Steve asked critically.
"Where do you think these buildings are?" Natasha joked. "It'll be sitting on park benches, or delivering some packages." The redhead turned to Clint then with a smile on her face. "Bobbi was undercover for HYDRA. She said it wasn't hard to get in the door. Not as hard as she thought it would be. If the time comes-"
"You shouldn't follow Bobbi Morses' lead," Clint lectured. "We do what Cap wants. We just need to find out if the place is suspicious or not. And with Stark's tech, it'll be pretty easy. If there's any type of gamma radiation or anything like that, we know it's something risky. Especially if they aren't registered by the government. And something is telling me that they aren't."
"They're trying to rebrand," Steve disagreed. "Bethany was saying that some of her old SHIELD contacts would hear of what HYDRA was doing now. Ideally, it's the same. Science. That's what it always was. But HYDRA wants to use it to oppress. Which is why they became Nazi supporters. If we were supporting that, they'd be on our side."
The room grew quiet as they all absorbed that. Clint quickly finished what was left on his place, and Steve barely let the plate sit for two seconds before he picked it up and put it in the dishwasher.
"What do you think they're doing?" Natasha finally asked. "HYDRA. What science are they doing? They can't still being trying to replicate the super soldier serum, are they?"
"Just over a year ago, Bethany was away for weeks at a time tracking down rogue science divisions who were doing similar things. At this point, anything to enhance the body that uses science and medicine? It's like the serum. Schmidt wanted to harness the power of the Gods. He had the Tesseract then, but who knows what they have now."
"Knowledge," Clint replied. "Information. SHIELD had been working on a lot of things over the years. Bethany couldn't even tell you all of them, and she had always been involved one way or another. Super strength, speed, powers… Everyone wants the upper hand."
"Isn't that why we were recruited?" Natasha asked. "We were assets because we were freaks. Some naturally, others through science. But we wouldn't have been good to SHIELD if we were normal. Using a vial of fluids to make the ordinary person special… It would've have changed the power SHIELD held. Or HYDRA."
"But you need to know that you're giving the power to the right person," Steve voiced. "Power can make people greedy. I've seen that."
Natasha opened her mouth to reply, but Jamie's cries filled the room. Steve didn't hesitate to walk over to the bedroom to check up on things, leaving Clint and Natasha alone.
"How are they?" She asked quietly.
Clint sighed, running a hand through his hair. "They got tall," he replied with a small smile before adding one more thing. "Laura's pregnant."
When Bucky finally made peace that Germany wouldn't magically give him his memories back, they started for Poland. Kiley could tell that there was something… different about Bucky. He seemed to be shying away from her, as if she was made of glass and inn just the slightest breath, she would go crashing down, with no way to repair the damage. She didn't push him, though. The last thing she needed was to push his boundaries.
They're radio wasn't in the best shape. Stations would come through, but with that annoying buzz you got when you put your phone too close to the speakers. It wasn't worth it at all. Therefore, they had stopped by a store and picked up a bunch of cassettes that had been on sale. Kiley didn't even know they still had those. She probably had some in an old box in her closet, but the fact that a store would have them was awesome.
She felt no shame as she popped in the Aqua cassette. Upbeat and slightly childish songs was exactly what they needed to lift up the mood. She sang along, watching Bucky's expressions as they started towards Poland. He had been looking at her a lot, as if she had the answers to a test written on her skin. It irritated her at first, but it had been days.
"Did you at least have fun?" Kiley asked during a musical interlude. "I mean, it wasn't all bad, was it?"
"No," Bucky agreed, but he had very little enthusiasm in his voice. "It just… wasn't what I was expecting."
Sighing, Kiley reached out to turn down the volume. "When we left, we knew that it wouldn't just… come back to you all at once."
"I know," Bucky replied softly. "But I couldn't help but…"
"But you're remembering, of what you are remembering, things that happened before the fall, right?"
"Yeah," Bucky nodded.
Kiley gave her own nod in response. That was a good sign. At least, she hoped that was a good sign. He had remembered something vague about his childhood, failing a test in grade 5 and something involving Steve and Bethany. He had been remembering a lot about Bethany. Kiley tried not to get jealous at that, but for some reason, the blonde retriggered his memories.
But nothing of his time as the Winter Soldier. Those experiences came to him in his sleep. But because they were dreams, nightmares actually, Bucky refused to believe that they just could be his past. His reality. And from the way Bucky would scream, cry and sometimes get a little violent, Kiley couldn't really blame him for that. However, she knew that it was important for Bucky to remember everything. Even the things he didn't want to remember. And then, ultimately, he would have to make a decision about who he wanted to be.
Kiley couldn't help but wonder what Steve would do if Bucky decided to be the Winter Soldier. She could imagine the captain refusing to accept that as fact and fighting until his death to get his friend back. And while Steve was busy with Avenging and having a family, Kiley was taking it upon herself to do this for him. So she guessed she would be fighting to help Bucky until she died.
She caught herself wondering if she'd be okay with that. Spending the rest of her days with Bucky. On his good days, it would be a pleasure. Even his a-okay days would be enjoyable. But his bad days… It wasn't that it was a burden. She just didn't always know what to do when he was suffering, and that hurt her.
"Any idea of what we'll do for Christmas?" Kiley decided to ask. "It's coming up in a few weeks. I bet there's snow in New York by now."
Spending their nights in the car was now becoming a problem because of the temperature. They couldn't keep the car running through the night, so they had been stopping at crappy little inns with a single bed. Kiley was more than willing to find a way to fit them both on the uncomfortable mattress, but Bucky always took the floor, claiming he had slept on worse provisions. Kiley remembered Steve complaining about his mattress once, saying it was too comfortable and the only reason he didn't sleep on the floor or the couch was because Bethany was in the bed. She smiled to herself, thinking about how dorky and adorable that was.
"I-Uhh," Bucky began, obviously unsure. "I haven't celebrated a Christmas in a long time."
Kiley nodded understandingly. It would have been Christmas 1943. "Maybe us celebrating will bring back some old memories," she said encouragingly.
The car was quiet for a while, the only thing they could hear was the sound of cassette moving in the dash and the music floating through the air. Kiley had gotten lost in thought, thinking about the different ways they could celebrate while on the road when Bucky told her she had to go back.
"Back? Back where?" She asked, wondering if she missed the exit. "Is there an alternate exit somewhere?"
"No, back to the United States," Bucky said seriously, his voice filled with authority.
Kiley's brows pulled together in a frown. "Why?"
"Because your family is there," Bucky explained. "You won't be with them during Christmas, all because of me."
She let a small breath of air escape her as she pulled over and parked the car on the side of the road. Turning off the music, she turned to face him. "It's okay, Bucky."
"No, it's not," he disagreed. "I've already pulled apart so many families. I can't do it to someone I… to you."
The blonde opened her mouth to say something before snapping it close and rethinking her sentence. She honestly did want to be with her family for the Christmas holiday. But she would probably have spent the holiday in New York anyways. She would be working up until Christmas Eve, and it just made sense to stay there. She figured she'd crash Bethany and Steve's Christmas, and mooch some food off of them.
"Christmas is a time to be with family," Kiley allowed. "But my family isn't just my mom and dad anymore. Okay? I see Bethany and Steve and everyone else at the Tower as my family. I see you as my family. My parents will have each other. Bethany and Steve will have each other. Jane and Thor, Tony and Pepper… and you'll have me, and I'll have you. Understand?"
He looked skeptical to accept this. He had the same stubborn will that Steve had. Although, she decided that the Starks were probably more stubborn than both Steve and Bucky combined and she had a lot of experience with dealing with them. She would not only get Bucky to crave and accept this as fact, but she would get him to love the idea.
But suddenly, Kiley was very excited for Christmas.
Steve's stomach was twisting as he finished packing their bag. They would only be gone for a night, and not even far. They had a reservation at the hotel a few blocks away. If they were needed, he could be there in less than five minutes. He didn't know why he was so nervous. But he was.
He looked up to Bethany, who was relaxing on the bed. Seeing the exhaustion written on her face, he almost asked her one more time if she was sure that she was up for their night. He had planned a fancy dinner in the hotel's restaurant, with slow dancing and then up to the bedroom, with hopes of staying up really late. But every time he told her that they could postpone, she would disagree. There wouldn't be a better time to do it than now. They had a feeling that they would find out Jen's last location within the week, and Theo had been doing really good in therapy. The doctor even suggested letting the kid go back to school as an experiment. Bethany was hesitant since she said that a human being shouldn't be an experiment. She and Steve had a good laugh at that after a moment passed, however, knowing that the only reason they had this life was a series of experiments, ones more serious than going to school.
"Stop," Bethany scolded. At first, he thought she was telling him to stop worrying, since he was sure that it was obvious. But instead, she was waging her finger at Jamie who was comfortably getting fed in Bethany's arms. "Hey, no. Stop."
"What's he doing?" Steve asked, crawling to sit next to her.
"He's probably not doing it on purpose," Bethany reasoned to begin with. "But his teeth are kinda… digging into me. I mean, it doesn't hurt. No, it's not pain that I'm feeling."
"You never complained before," Steve teased, kissing her temple. A huge smile, mostly brought on by amused shock, spread across her face.
"Steve!" She exclaimed laughing, catching his sexual innuendo. "Oh my god, where is my sweet Steve Rogers who drew me black and white roses because he couldn't get any during the war?"
"He's still here," Steve promised. "But it's fun to see you react like that."
"Yeah, well I'm getting all worked up and we haven't even left yet," Bethany admitted, her fingers playing with Jamie's curls lightly. "Is it weird that I'm nervous?"
The way she bit into her bottom lip softly, Steve could tell that she was serious and it shocked him a little. She had never been shy when it came to sex. Bethany had been more than willing to let Steve try whatever he wanted to try, and had always been supportive. But Steve couldn't help but marvel in the idea that for the first time, he'd been going into the situation being the confident one.
"We don't have to do this," Steve voiced nonetheless. He wasn't going to force her into anything.
"No, I want to," Bethany promised. "I'm just… I don't know what to expect. That's not true, actually. I expect it to be amazing."
"I'll try to deliver," Steve replied honestly, but with a small smile. "I'm looking forward to this, actually. I don't think you realize how much your body has changed. What you react to isn't the same as it was before."
"I have a good idea of what you mean," She replied with a smirk. "But if I don't like something, I'll just kick you."
"What is with you and wanting to kick me lately?" Steve teased.
"The power," Bethany whispered seriously. "Steve, the power is… addicting."
He nodded, knowing exactly what she was referring to. They had been in the gym everyday, Bethany spending the majority of her time testing her limits. Apparently, she had none. There was speculation that it had to do with Jamie's blood in her system. Bethany's punches were impossibly stronger and her stamina had increased tenfold. Bruce's only explanation was that Jamie's blood was still in her system, quite possibly forever, and it was making her tap into the variant of the super soldier serum Steve had received.
But that just confirmed what they assumed about Jamie. He wasn't going to be normal. It was both a blessing and a curse.
"It's okay to love the power," Steve assured her. "Just don't let it-"
"Consume me," Bethany finished. "I know, I know. You've told me a million times by now."
"Not that many times," Steve disagreed.
"Half a million times, then," Bethany settled for, handing Jamie to Steve as he unlatched himself from her. "Everything packed?"
Steve picked up a baby facecloth and laid it on his shoulder, burping Jamie lightly. "I think so," he nodded.
"Toothbrushes? My makeup bag? Clothes?" Steve nodded faithfully to each one, so she threw him a curveball with one eyebrow raised in amusement. "Condoms?"
Steve opened his mouth to say 'yes' before he frowned. "No, actually."
"That's an important one," Bethany chuckled, fixing her bra and shirt, reaching into the bedside table for the condoms and getting up to add them to the bag.
Steve looked at Jamie, watching as the boy's wide eyes were all but glued to Bethany. The connection they had developed only grew in the past few days. She provided him with everything that Jamie needed, but it still wasn't the same. It was amusing though. "What?" Bethany asked, clearly to Jamie with the tone she was using. "I fed you. I changed you. He burped you. What now?"
She wasn't angry or annoyed, but she sounded a little exasperated. "He thinks you're beautiful," Steve explained. "That has to be it."
Bethany frowned, turning to the full length mirror. "I look like a slob."
In truth, she did a little bit. Her hair hadn't been washing in four days, pulled back into a messy ponytail and she was in sweatpants and one of Steve's shirts. Their plan was to get ready at the hotel, since he knew that Bethany did like getting dressed up on occasion and that it should be uninterrupted.
"No matter," Steve assured. "Still beautiful."
**A/N: Big plans for the next chapter. Oh yes, BIG BIG plans. Also, I saw Ant-Man for the second time. If I had nothing to do for the next month, I'd write out the entire story up until that movie, but I work fulltime. And secured a position for this fall to, it looks like. Yay.
Irelandlover: Yay for unpredictability! To be honest, I typically have an idea of what I'm going to write and I change my mind about five or six times. However, I don't typically regret my decisions, so that's good. But basically, even I don't know what'll happen for sure. Also, I'm glad Bethany is real to you! That's the ultimate goal for me.
KnowInsight: Oh yeah she does. I'm waiting for the perfect moment. And trust me, it'll be perfect. I really want some Civil War information before I do that, but I know that I can't drag it out that long. It'll happen soon. Overall, I know that if I don't rush while writing, the quality of the chapters will be better. However, I do like to have weekly goals. I'm a very straightforward girl. I set goals and I like to make them. So missing a week is always a bummer for me.
fallingforthecaptain: Your icon makes me smile as I sit here with my Captain America sweater on top of my Captain Hook t-shirt. Although, I'll always be a Jefferson lover. Not even because of Sebastian Stan, but just cause I loved his story the most. I bet I killed your Bucky feelings a little bit in this chapter, didn't I? Haha.
Jo: Oh yeah. Steve definitely needs counciling, but I'm saving that for later.
sarahmichellegellarfan1: There was supposed to be smut! And in this one too! I write too much. And I drag out the chapters. It'll be in the next chapter. Actually, they'll be more than one ;) It's basically gonna be all sex to make up for the wait.
FeliciaFelicis: To be honest, I haven't even made a final decision about Jen. I like the idea I have now, but she was suppose to die. In the very first draft (the one where she actually dated Steve for a little bit... I know, right? So different now), Jen became a lesbian and died in the explosion that Bethany was in, leaving Theo an orphan that the Rogers adopted. I mean, it was less cliche that it sounds. I actually have no issues with that storyline. But the HYDRA boyfriend was too good to pass up. I'm a BIG fan of Lauren Becall's hair. That's how I've always pictured Bethany's during the forties. Also, I've developed the scene I had in mind for Ant-Man (both the flashback and the current ones) and honestly? I cannot wait. I have such a long time, but Hank and Bethany will relate to each other on a lot of levels, but still have that odd hatred for each other (because yes, Bethany will not be happy with his stupid ass decisions).
