**A/N: This chapter will probably get you in the Christmas mood prematurely.
Chapter 15- Your Beaten and Broken
"So call on your angels, your beaten and broken. It's time that we mended so they don't fade with the season. Let our mercy be the gifts we lay from Brooklyn to Broadway and celebrate each and every day of this New York City Christmas. Yeah, I'm sending you a very Merry Christmas, and a prayer for peace on earth within our time."
~New York City Christmas, Rob Thomas
The mall was hectic, although they hadn't expected anything else. They were done with their Christmas shopping; it just came to Christmas clothes. Bethany needed three outfits, one for Christmas Eve, day and for the charity event that she had agreed to sing at. Steve needed three outfits to correspond with Bethany's. Jamie needed four outfits, three for those days and one as a backup he would inevitably need.
When Theo had all but begged not to go clothes shopping, they decided to go while Theo was at school in an attempt to beat the last minute Christmas rush, but it was still packed. Jamie was having another cranky day, the couple taking turns bouncing him while the other changed. The movements were the only thing that seemed to be soothing him.
"Steve, hurry up," Bethany begged.
"Okay, okay," Steve replied, coming out of the changing room in a blue button up and some black dress pants. "What do we think?"
"It's a little tight," Bethany chuckled, watching as his shirt stretched across his shoulders. She turned to the sales lady before asking for the next size up. "Stop growing, would ya?"
Steve looked in the mirror, surveying what she was talking about. "I'll try," he offered. "But honestly, it's better than swimming in the smallest size."
"That is true," Bethany agreed before thanking the sales lady when she returned with the next size. "And change quicker this time!" She teased when Steve ducked back into the change room.
Bethany looked down at Jamie, his face screwed up in a look of annoyance. "You stop growing too," she told him.
She looked around the store. A lot of people were casually looking at her. She had spotted more than one person taking their phone out to snap a photo or two. She kept her calm, but it bothered her so much. "All I want for Christmas is normal," she said under her breath. The change room down swung open, Steve coming out with his arms out slightly.
"Better?" He asked her.
"Much," Bethany nodded, smiling. "Mmm, you look good Rogers. Blue is your colour."
Steve smiled, ducking his head down a little to kiss her lightly. "So we're getting these?"
"Turn around," Bethany instructed, looking at his pants. "The waist is a little big, isn't it?"
"Nothing a belt won't fix," Steve promised.
She nodded in agreement. "Okay. Yeah, we'll get that. Okay, we have your three outfits, time to move on."
"Explain to me why we picked my outfits out first?" Steve asked, undoing the buttons at his wrist. "Wouldn't it be easier to match my clothes to yours than the other way around?"
"It'll help me narrow my choices," Bethany explained. Steve nodded, looking to Jamie for a moment before going to change back into his clothes. Bethany decided to try and put Jamie back into his stroller. He continued to whine, but she considered it a win that he wasn't crying.
"All ready?" Steve asked, his clothes on his arm.
"Yeah," Bethany nodded. Steve started pushing the stroller to the register, taking out his wallet and exchanging pleasantries with the cashier. Bethany reached her hand into the stroller and Jamie wrapped his hand around one of her fingers. She gave him a small smile, looking up to see Steve reading a message on his phone, his face pinking. "What?"
"Huh?" Steve asked, quickly slipping his phone into his pocket. "Oh, nothing. Just… Romanoff was talking about your Christmas present."
"Oh," Bethany nodded, gesturing towards where the cashier was handing Steve his bags. As they made their way to the next store, Bethany smiled. "So Natasha knows?"
"Yeah, it was her idea," Steve admitted, scratching the back of his neck.
"What is it?" Bethany asked, clutching Steve's arm as they walked.
Steve looked down at her wide and excited smile. "You're worse than Theo."
"Just tell me," Bethany egged on. "I'll tell you what I got you."
Steve shook his head. "Nope. I want to be surprised on Christmas day. And I will not tell you what I got you, it's a surprise."
"Oh, come on!" Bethany continued. "Just a hint?"
Steve sighed, thinking it over. "One hint and that's it. You drop it until Christmas, got it?" Her gigantic smile was answer enough. "Pink."
"…Pink?" Bethany asked, her smile falling and her brows pulling up into a frown. "Shoes? Did you buy me shoes? Oh, look! Wigs!"
"What?" Steve asked, his head whipping around to see a store with wigs in it. "What? You want a wig?"
"I miss my curls," Bethany explained.
"It wouldn't be your curls though," Steve reminded her.
"I still miss them," Bethany pouted, her gaze on the long line of parents with their children waiting to sit on Santa's lap. "Apparently school isn't as important as children making sure they tell Santa all the things they want for Christmas. Once upon a time, it was one gift and something small. Now, it's three things. All big things. IPads and iPods, laptops and televisions."
"What happened to socks?" Steve asked, which was the same thing he said when he and Bethany were wrapping the gifts for Theo from Santa.
"Face it Steve, we're from a whole 'nother world," Bethany said with a sigh. "Oh, here. I want to go in here."
Steve trailed Bethany as she walked around the store, holding whatever she handed to him and giving her opinions here and there. "I love this," Bethany stressed, touching a strapless light turquoise beaded gown. "It doesn't match any of your stuff."
"Try it on anyways," Steve encouraged. "It can always spend some time in the closet if you like it."
Bethany sighed, looking at the price tag. "No, it's okay."
"Hey, what-are you…" Steve raised his hand to under her chin and guiding her eyes up to look at him. "Are you worrying about money? I've never known you to worry about money. We have money."
"Yeah, and not having to pay rent or anything is fantastic," Bethany agreed. "But we don't have an income either. I know we have millions in the bank, but some of that is for Jamie, some for Theo-"
"And some for your scholarship program? Or whatever it is," Steve said. "We have money. Try on the dress."
"I'm not worried about money," Bethany added, picking up her size and handing it to Steve. "I'm just thinking about our future. Because from the way it's going, we won't be picking up a paycheck anytime soon."
"Buy the damn dress, Bethany," Steve said with a smile. "If I'm not worried about money, neither should you. Unless you're planning on buying a mansion on some tropical island."
"Not a mansion," Bethany said, looking at another dress. "Just a nice house in Upstate New York, away from pondering eyes and the forces of evil. Just you and me and our family and that's it."
"Hmmm," Steve hummed, smiling. "You thought this out."
"I don't like people staring," Bethany explained, looking over her shoulder where she could feel someone staring at them. "I just miss my privacy."
"Even when you had privacy, you didn't," Steve pointed out. "SHIELD knew your every movement."
"Alright, I think I'm ready," was Bethany's only reply as they made their way to the dressing rooms. Steve picked Jamie out of the stroller and rocked him as Bethany tried out dress after dress. When she finally came out in the turquoise dress, the look on her face said everything.
"Wow," Steve chuckled.
"Wow is right," Bethany said, cupping her boobs. "My body is a small and my boobs are an extra extra large."
"So is that a 'no'?" Steve asked, his gaze on the surplus of boobs.
"My face is up here," Bethany stated, pointing to her face.
"Sorry," Steve said, putting a hand up in surrender and looking up at her face. "You look good."
"I look like a hooker," Bethany replied. "A high-end hooker, maybe, but a hooker."
"Please stop saying that word," Steve begged.
"Which word?" Bethany asked, a smirk on her face. "'Hooker'?" Steve cringed which only made Bethany laugh, her hands moving to hold the top in place as she laughed wholeheartedly.
Bethany let out a long yawn, leaning her head back against the headrest. The drive wasn't that long, but with the heavy snow falling and Jamie's whining from the back seat, it was draining her.
"Are we almost there?" Theo asked, clearly just as tired of the car ride as Bethany.
"Soon," Steve said again, his voice filled with annoyance, but he looked to his wife for a moment. "Are we almost there?"
"I was going to ask you honestly," Bethany sighed, looking out the front window. "You can see, right?"
"Yeah," Steve promised. "Relax, I can see perfectly. And I have great reflexes. And your nephew designed this car. Doll, we're safe."
"Right," Bethany nodded, but it didn't cut the edge. She didn't particularly hate driving, but with the heavy snow and the distractions in the car, specifically Jamie's whining, Bethany couldn't shake the uneasiness.
"We're not going to get into an accident," Steve whispered under his breath.
"It's December 17th, Steve," Bethany whispered.
"And?" Steve asked, looking at her for a moment. Her hands were clenched in her lap, her toes tapping with nerves. She had been acting odd all day, and so had Tony now that he thought back to it. He and Bethany even shared a hug that morning, lasting longer than they typically did. "Oh. Oh, Beth… Howard."
She let out a deep breath, looking to him with a sad smile. "Twenty-three years. But at least I know why he died now. I wonder if he knows."
"Who?" Steve asked, moving his hand over to take a hold of hers and squeezing it.
"Bucky," she whispered. "I wonder if he remembers that. Or if he remembers that it was Howard. I sincerely hope he doesn't."
"Me too," Steve agreed before seeing a sign for the Christmas tree farm. "Look, Theo. We're here."
"Finally!" Theo declared, his excitement making both Bethany and Steve chuckle. After parking and taking Jamie out of his car seat, they went over to the lodge to talk to the owners.
"Hey, why are you so moody lately?" Bethany asked Jamie as he babbled to Bethany, but with a frown on his face. "You haven't been very fun to be around."
"Is he on the naughty list?" Theo asked Bethany, his hat falling in front of his eyes.
Bethany chuckled and reached out with one hand to fix it. "He's not being naughty, just grumpy."
"I thought those were the same things," Theo said, a pensive look on his face.
"Not really. Not at Jamie's age," Bethany explained.
"But he's biting and pulling people's hair a lot," Theo reminded her.
Bethany nodded, but continued to defend Jamie's actions. "He's biting because he's teething and it helps with the pain and he's pulling hair because he's learning how to grab things, and grab attention."
"But if I was biting and pulling hair, I'd be grounded," Theo said confused.
Bethany laughed, shaking her head. "You're old enough to understand that it's wrong. Jamie doesn't understand the concept of a bathroom."
"Okay, you ready?" Steve asked when he came back from talking to the owner. "We need to get on a trailer trolley for about five minutes to the farm and then we cut down the one we like the best."
"The biggest one!" Theo declared. He had always had a small tree since Jen's apartment was small, and he wanted a giant one this year.
"It needs to fit in the apartment," Bethany reminded Theo. What she wasn't telling him was that Pepper had ordered a huge tree for the communal living floor which was to be set up on Christmas Eve, after Theo went to sleep. For now, they just needed a tree for the kid to decorate and a place to put the presents under. Come Christmas Eve, they were planning on taking all the ornaments off the littler tree and putting it on the taller one, as well as moving the stockings. Bethany loved the idea.
"But it can still be nice and fat!" Theo continued, jumping up and down.
Steve chuckled, pulling Theo up into his arms as they started towards the owner to be lead to the trailer. "As fat as you want, Theo."
"It needs to fit on the car," Bethany said with a sing-song voice.
"Here," the owner said to Steve after they pulled themselves onto the trolley attached to the trailer. Steve took the saw and carefully put it under the bench he was sitting on. "How big a tree ya looking at?"
"Big!" Theo announced.
"Big enough that we'll need another hand?" The owner asked.
"Oh, it's okay," Steve assured him. "I can handle it."
Steve wrapped his arms around Bethany's waist, pressing his chest to her back and kissing her neck. She laughed lightly, the two swaying back and forth. The room had a pleasant feel to it, the TV set up to look like a fire place, but the lights in the room dimmed. The Christmas Tree's lights shone beautifully, and there were soft flickers of light coming from the candles Bethany lit.
In the record player, some old Christmas songs played as Theo danced around the Christmas tree, hanging up as many ornaments as he could. Bethany had wound silver ribbon around the tree in lieu of garland—since cats like to eat the garland—and had made a beautiful giant bow to hang on top instead of an angel or star.
"Looking good," Bethany encouraged Theo.
"We're making cookies after, right?" Theo asked, a giant smile on his face.
"It's already past your bedtime," Steve replied sternly. "Jamie is already fast asleep, and will probably be awake soon for a feeding. Which means after this, bed."
"Fine," Theo grumbled but continued to happily hang up the ornaments.
"Any plans tonight, Mrs. Rogers?" Steve whispered into her ear, and then kissing down her neck.
"Careful, Captain," Bethany warned. "Don't start something you can't finish."
"I said I was sorry," Steve reminded her, thinking back to the night before when he had got her all worked up and when she stepped away for five minutes to help Theo fall back to sleep after a dream, Steve had fallen asleep.
"I know," Bethany chuckled. "And I guess I've done that to you more than once before. But not tonight. After Theo is asleep, I need to go back down. Talk to… you know. And Tony. Tony and I need to talk."
"About Howard? Did you talk earlier?" Steve asked politely.
"Not really," Bethany replied. "But I mean… I may have lost my brother, but he lost both of his parents. And at that point of my life, I was living in constant grief. Losing Howard didn't… it didn't really change how I acted. Tony was sad and depressed for about a week and then after that, he realized that sex and money and power helped that grief. But they were still his parents."
"You don't mourn your parents," Steve reminded her. "I've never known you to mourn your parents."
"I did once," Bethany promised. "I mourned my dad longer than my mom. It's not that I wanted her dead. I never wished it. Sometimes I wished she would just go away, but I never wanted her dead. But then I realized that life without my parents wasn't that bad. Howard took care of me, and let me be who I wanted to be. Never once did he tell me I had to marry anyone. He couldn't care less what I did, as long as I wasn't hurting anyone, including myself. He got a little vocal those last few months with Jason. And he told me to stop partying and lusting myself and focus on work, which I did. He let me be my own person, at least when it mattered."
"But you still need to talk to him."
"I just need to see how he's holding up," Bethany explained. "Every year it's different. He works a lot on this day. Keeps him occupied. I don't blame him, since that's what I did. It was when I started working that grieving became easier."
"When do you want to go?" Steve asked, watching as Theo paced around the tree, surveying it.
"As soon as he goes to bed," Bethany explained. "And not that I don't want you there but-"
"Got it," Steve nodded. "I'll stay here."
"And don't stay up," Bethany continued. "I don't know how long I'll be."
"I think I'm done," Theo declared. "I can't reach up on top."
Steve smiled, kissing Bethany's cheek before moving to scoop Theo up into his arms. "There's an easy solution to that."
"Careful," Bethany said seriously, but chuckling as Steve maneuvered Theo around like an airplane. She sat back on the couch, watching the two of them, making small talk here and there. She hummed to the Christmas music and ran her fingers through Molly's fur as she thought.
She was planning on keeping her promise to Kiley. She was going to sing in a few nights' time to everyone with basic cable, raising money for multiple charities. She and Steve were planning on making a considerable donation, and while they had bickered about the amount, she knew that it was their duty to give since they had so much. They knew what Christmas was like with very little, and they also knew that they wouldn't want that for any child.
Pepper had asked her if she was nervous. In truth, she wasn't. She knew she should be, since she despised singing in public so much, but she wasn't nervous about what people would think. She could honestly care less if people hated her voice or loved it. The only people whose opinion really mattered loved to hear her sing.
Her singing voice had been one of the only things her mother approved of. She would sing for her mother's approval, because as a little girl desperate for love, that was the only time she really got it. But she grew to hate it over time because she associated it with her. She would sing for Howard, when he asked her too. Sometimes she would sing along to music, but it wasn't until the war that she started to sing just to sing again. And now, it was the easiest way to get Steve, Jamie, Theo and Tony to sleep—although the latter wouldn't admit to that.
She had chosen A New York Christmas because of how the words related to her. There was so much truth in them, so much soul. She could sing a crowd pleaser like Santa Baby or Santa Clause is Coming to Town. Or a religious melody such as Mary, Did You Know? or Hark! The Harold Angels Sing. But she had always been a fan of the songs that were brutally honest about Christmas. It was so highly marketed, commercialized and profitable now, it was nice to hear a song that reminded you of something besides candy canes and reindeer.
Crowd around the big tree, all you strangers who know me. There was nothing more haunting than this line, yet so equally beautiful. This was her life now. She was constantly surrounded by strangers who knew her, and knew way more about her life than she ever wanted anyone too. She had never wanted to be famous. Bethany may have thrived on attention, but she had always been happy with the occasional person knowing that she was Howard Stark's little sister. They had been photographed time and time again before and during the war, but she could live her life without people knowing who she was.
Bring your compassion, your understand. Lord, how we need it on this New York City Christmas. Bethany had always loved New York. It was a hub of life, of electricity, of innovation. It had been where she grew up, and where she inevitably returned. To be in New York City during Christmas was a wish of so many people. The lights, the decoration, the life. But that was only the top layer of New York City on Christmas. Anyone who lived there would know, and would understand that there was so much pain, loss and sadness throughout the city as people became selfish and greedy during a time of giving.
And a prayer for peace on earth within our time. That was the ultimate goal. Peace within their time. Every generation's goal was for peace. But peace meant something different to everyone. But Bethany knew what peace was. It was the day when her husband, her nephew, and all her friends could hang up their respectful weapons, take a step back and realise that their jobs were done. That there was nothing else to do.
And a prayer for peace on earth, it's not too late…
It was close to midnight when Tony and Bethany moved from Jen's level to the communal living floor. Bethany began making hot chocolate without even asking Tony, decorating it just as she had when he was growing up. The day was almost over. It was almost December 18th. But as every year, just because the hand struck midnight, it didn't miraculously change anything.
"The only thing HYDRA taught her was how to control her powers, but she isn't doing the best job of that," Tony spoke softly, accepting his mug and taking a sip.
"She's scared," Bethany reminded him. "She's terrified. And nothing we say helps her. It was like she wasn't aware of not remembering anything before. And now she's aware and can't control her emotions."
"Maybe Bruce should talk to her," Tony suggested. "Teach her his relaxing mumbo-jumbo."
"If she freezes Banner, that'll only bring out the Hulk. We can't take that chance. He has a good grip on it, but certain things are beyond his control. It's going to take time."
"And you're annoyed because we don't have any," Tony stated.
"I'm not… I'm not annoyed," Bethany explained. "But I just want one thing in my life to be easy. Is that too hard to ask?"
"Evidently," Tony said before taking a gulp of his drink. "Ah, that's hot. Look, the way I see it, as long as Theo doesn't find out about Queen Elsa, we don't have a problem."
"Explain to me how that isn't a problem?" Bethany asked, leaning against the bar. "There's very little he knows, except that his mother left him and that he thinks she's in danger. He hasn't seen her in months and she doesn't even know who he is."
"Maybe you should show her," Tony suggested. "Help remind her of her past."
"That's not a bad idea," Bethany sighed. "I don't know what to do, kid. I honestly don't. And I'm tired of not knowing what to do. No, actually. I'm just tired. I'm not as young as I used to be."
"Which is ironic, 'cause you are," Tony pointed out.
"I just… As much as I love science and medicine and the future, not to mention going out in the field and kicking ass… I wouldn't be upset if that all came to a close tomorrow. You know? Get to be normal for once? I can't remember what normal feels like."
"Being normal is vastly overrated," Tony promised.
"Kid, you can't tell me you want to do this, be Iron Man, for the rest of your life," Bethany said softly, wrapping her hands around her mug but not lifting it to her lips.
Tony sighed, shifting on his bar stool. "I feel like I don't have a choice. That the world will never be ready for me, for any of us, to step down."
"They can't expect us to do this forever," Bethany added. "I mean, physically, I could. I could go on and on, but I don't. For now, it's okay. For next week, it's okay. But I'm not missing school plays and baseball games because some egotistical supervillain decided that it would be fun to wreak havoc on a small city."
"But if you stop, if any of us stop…"
Bethany shook her head. "I like that millions of people can sleep easy knowing that we're around. But for once, I want it to be me. To be Steve. Theo. It's like a pattern, Tony. One night I'll have a nightmare, and then Steve and then Theo. On and on. And throwing a baby into the mix, one who can barely sleep through the night because he's always hungry… sleep is a sacred thing."
"And yet you're still awake," Tony pointed out.
"I might be awake, but at least I'm at ease," Bethany realized. "How am I at ease? I'm unsure of everything. I fear everything."
"We won't be fighting for the rest of our lives," Tony promised. "I told you before that we wouldn't and I intend to stick to that promise."
"You have one life, kid," Bethany whispered. "You spend so much of your time working… Don't waste it like your father did. Enjoy it."
"I'll enjoy it when there's peace," Tony told her. "Things… things need to change. I can advance the weaponry as much as I please, but it's not going to end the issue of us being needed. Now and in the future. Someone will always need to fight this fight, our fight, but why does it have to be us?"
"Because we can't trust anyone else to the job," Bethany reminded him.
"What if we could?" Tony questioned.
"Then we'll back down. Relax. Live normal lives," Bethany said with a shrug. "It's a nice idea, Tony. But that doesn't mean it'll happen. I just… I need to accept it. I feel like Steve has. Once upon a time, all he wanted was to settle down with a family, and despite him saying that he will when the time comes…"
"You don't think he will," Tony finished for her.
"He spent the majority of his life wanting to make a difference. And now he has the ability to do that. I've always known that he would never back down from a fight, not if it meant defending what is right. It's one of the things I love most about him. It's also one of the things I hate about him."
"What do you think would have happened if you two had gotten married in '44? Had the baby, and he made his way home. Would he have settled down?" Tony asked curiously.
Bethany was silent for a moment before shaking her head. "I don't think so. Even if I asked him to, begged him to. And if he did, he would always be trying to find a way back in. And I can't… I can't hold that against him, Tony."
"Kind of seems unfair, don't you think? You give up your life, give him kids and he just… never comes home?"
"Oh, he would come home," Bethany corrected.
"Yeah, to put more kids in you," Tony said, clearly annoyed.
"No," Bethany said softly. "He would come home because he loves us. But it wouldn't make much difference because he would leave. Every time."
"You're certain about that?" Tony questioned carefully.
"Yeah," she nodded. "I don't think he knows this. Not for certain. I think he really believes that someday we'll get that perfect ending. But I don't think that's an option for us. Not now. Maybe it was before, but not anymore. But I tell him that's what I want, one day. That I believe it'll happen for us."
"But why? I mean, if you don't believe-"
"Because I want him to believe in it," Bethany stressed. "I want him to want it. To really want it. Even if it won't happen, I need him to believe in it. It's the only thing that makes all this worth it. Marriage and children. When Steve proposed and I said 'yes', all I could think about was that this was my second chance. That he forgave me, truly, forgave me and that I would be spending the rest of my life with him. Steve was the one who brought up babies and houses with backyards in neighbourhoods with nice schools."
"But everything's different now," Tony stated.
"Everything is different now," Bethany nodded. "I don't want to stop fighting unless Steve is done fighting too. But I know that it's possible that it won't ever happen. And it's not just us anymore. It's not just our lives we're fucking up. And as much as I love Jamie, I can't help but feel like we should have waited. We should have been more careful."
"That kid is the best thing that's ever happened to you," Tony replied strongly. "You may think that it's Steve, but it's not. You could go on without him, because you have Jamie. You know that, Steve knows that. You will always find the will to carry on because you have that little boy. You may wake up one day and realize that this life… it's not what's best for Jamie. And you'll pick him up and walk away. And you'll be okay with doing it because you have him."
"I'm not taking Jamie away from his father," Bethany said shaking her head. "That's definitely not what's best for him. I don't want him hating me or Steve."
"That's not the point Bethany," Tony continued.
"You know, I resent that," she decided. "I love Steve. You make it sound like I would be okay if he wasn't here anymore."
"I'm not saying that," Tony disagreed. "But you won't be like you were. You'd be sad, heartbroken maybe, but you'd still have Jamie. And that's all you'd need to help you heal. Steve's hurt, you know you need to take care of Jamie. You're hurt? He's by your side while Jamie is crying endlessly, clearly for his parents."
Bethany let out a soft sigh, bowing her head. "My first instinct is to defend him. He thought I was dying. He honestly thought he was going to lose me. But… I know what he did was wrong. And I know he'd probably do it again."
Tony nodded slowly, reaching out to take her hand. "You're one of the only people in this world I give a damn about. You've always been one of my favorite people, and I always knew that if I was neck deep in shit, you'd come rescue me. You've tried to give me happiness throughout my entire life, and while some of the methods were unconventional, it didn't change the intent. The majority of my life, I've only seen you unhappy. But now, even on a bad day, you're a million times happier than you were then."
"And you think it's because of Jamie?" Bethany asked, trying to push back her tears.
"I think it's because for the first time in a long time you have something legitimate to live for," Tony explained. "You lost it when Steve went under, a little more when dad died and on and on as everyone you knew slowly slipped from you. You had very little reason to live, but you did it anyway because life gave you no choice. But now you have something to live for. I'd just hate to see that taken from you all because Steve was a dick."
Bethany couldn't help but chuckle, moving a hand up to her face to wipe away a stray tear. "I don't want to lose anyone else. But… I know I will. But most importantly… I can't lose myself. Not again."
Tony got off his bar stool, moving to the other end of the bar and pouring himself some scotch. "You can have it. The cheesy white-picket fence with the big backyard and a swing set, an ugly but practical family size van in your front lawn. I mean, it's simple right? We just need there to be complete peace, all the time. So much peace, Steve will only be able to pick a fight with you."
"You say that like it's simple," Bethany said with a sigh.
"It could be," Tony said, taking a sip of his alcohol. "We could do it."
"Even if we get peace today, it'll never stick," Bethany pointed out. "It's the fundamental truth of our society. Not to mention, our history."
"But what if someone was always there to keep the peace?" Tony asked. "Someone who didn't have anything else to do but keep the peace. Someone who is replaceable, but still valuable? Someone who was expendable?"
Bethany raised her mug to her lips and took a quick sip. "Someone or something?"
"It's called the Ultron Project."
When Bethany woke up on Christmas Eve morning, Steve wasn't in bed with her. It was only four thirty, which was too early for him to be up for the day. Getting out of the bed and pulling on a cardigan, she walked into the living room. Steve was standing next to the Christmas tree, looking out the window and down into the streets of New York.
"Hey," Bethany said quietly, placing a hand on his arm. "What are you doing out of bed already?"
"I… I didn't want to wake you," was his response.
"Well, when the bed gets cold, I wake up," she replied, giving his arm a tentative squeeze. "You didn't answer my question."
"I just…" he sighed, bowing his head. "I just needed some air. Some… space."
"Do you want me to go back to bed?" Bethany asked, pulling her cardigan closer to her.
"Do what you want," Steve whispered.
"Hey, no," Bethany said strongly, taking a grip of him and forcing him to look at her. "That's not how this works. If there's something on you mind, you tell me. Was it an old one? Or a new one?"
Steve didn't respond at first, but when Bethany patiently waited, he felt like he had no choice. "An old one. It was just a dream."
"But we both know that it wasn't," Bethany whispered. "Do you want to tell me?"
Steve sighed, walking around her and going to sit on the couch. Bethany kept her place, her arms wrapped around her as she tried to be as patient as she could. "It was the one with the Red Skull."
Bethany nodded slowly, taking a few steps closer. "He's gone Steve."
"I know," he said as he swallowed hard. "Doesn't change where my mind wanders at night."
"You know, I remember the first time you had that dream," Bethany said as she finally took the last steps and sat on the table in front of Steve, taking his hands in hers. "You wandered around the base for hours. You ended up in front of my room. Remember?"
"I didn't mean to go there," Steve replied honestly. "I just ended up there. And you let me in."
"Well I wasn't going to leave you in an emotional wreak outside my door," Bethany answered.
"We stayed up all night talking," Steve whispered, a small smile on his face.
"Until you finally fell asleep," Bethany added.
"And you went and got Bucky," Steve continued.
"I figured that he would have understood better than I could have," Bethany explained. "That was before we were together. And yet you still ended up at my room."
"I loved you," Steve told her, looking up at her finally. "You were the only person I wanted to be around. I kept walking and walking, but when I stopped in front of your room, I couldn't leave."
"But now, you wake up and leave the bed," Bethany whispered.
"I told you, I didn't want to wake you," Steve replied. "It's been weeks since you've slept properly."
"I'm awake now anyways," Bethany pointed out. "Babe, I don't want you to feel like your nightmares are a burden to me. I thought you knew that by now."
"Yeah, yeah…" Steve agreed with a sigh. "I'm sorry. I just… I saw you lying there, so beautiful and so peaceful and I couldn't bring myself to ruin that."
Bethany got up and moved to straddle him, wrapping him tightly in her arms. She rested her cheek against his shoulder as his arms circled around her. "Steve, wake me up. Even if it's every hour, every single night. Please. Wake me up. I wake you up."
"Yeah, you wake me up with your leg kicking," Steve whispered. "And then I wake you up so you don't have to sleep through it anymore. And then you kick me some more."
"I don't mean to kick you," Bethany chuckled. "But regardless on who wakes up first, they should wake the other. Deal?" He was silent and Bethany moved her hand to his arm and squeezed it hard, earning a firm 'ow' from her husband. "Steve Rogers, answer me. Do we have a deal?"
"Yes," Steve said, wincing. "Ow, Beth. Stop. I agreed."
"Do you intend on keeping it?" Bethany tested.
"Yes!" Steve promised and Bethany released her hold. "You're a violent little vixen, aren't you?"
Bethany sat up, smiling down at him. "It's hard to give a leader orders. Sometimes you need persuasion."
"I like the persuasions that include you being naked," Steve replied seriously, earning him an eye roll from Bethany.
"Well, I like taking orders from you while you're naked, but that doesn't happen much," She replied before shaking her head. "Stop. You're already sexy in that shirt and those pants and your hair all sexed up. I'm already half horny, I'm too tired to go full-"
"Alright, alright," Steve allowed chuckling under his breath.
"You ready to go back to bed?" Bethany asked softly. "Think you'll be able to fall back to sleep?"
"Maybe," Steve replied. "But if not, I'll just watch you sleep."
"Okay, but if you're still awake at seven, can you start on the list of things to do today?" Bethany begged, standing up and taking his hands to pull him up as well. "Like you said, I haven't been sleeping well and an extra hour of sleep, especially knowing that the chores are being done, that would-"
He silenced her with a kiss, leaning his forehead against hers. "Yes, I'll get a head start on the list. But you owe me."
"Oh, I think I can think of a few things," Bethany flirted, wrapping her arms around his neck.
Steve's hands moved to her hips and he pulled her up. As she wrapped her legs around his waist, he carried her to their bedroom. "You know, I was just thinking you doing some of the chores that are typically mine, right?"
"Lies," Bethany declared. "I taught you better than that."
"The way I see it, I'll get great sex no matter what," Steve explained, closing their door. "But you doing, say… the laundry when I'm supposed to…"
"And you said I was the vixen," Bethany teased, letting out a squeal as Steve dropped her on the bed. "Although, well played. Considering every time we try to make beautiful, sweet love, we get interrupted."
"That hasn't gone unnoticed," Steve promised, crawling into bed and pulling her to lay her head on his chest. "Trust me, I'm well aware of this. But I can promise that when we finally have time and privacy, you're mind will be blown."
"Aren't we cocky," Bethany teased, pressing her lips against his chest.
"I've learnt from the best," Steve reminded her before silence overcame them and Bethany fell back asleep. Steve, however, spent the rest of the night watching Bethany sleep comfortably as sleep avoided him completely.
Bethany's obsession with making sure that Christmas, and even more importantly, Christmas Eve, was perfection was overwhelming to everyone who still remained in the Tower. Natasha had left with Clint, and as per usual, no one asked much in regards to that. Jackson had left that morning to join his family for Christmas, Maria arriving in his place, although she already expressed that she wasn't going to babysit, but had plans to down an entire bottle of rum.
Opposed to Thor going to spend Christmas with Jane, he had invited her to the Tower, so she got to enjoy Bethany's running around like a chicken with no head. Everyone was relaxing on the communal floor, unaware of what was happening a few floors underneath them. Pepper was the only one who was really helping Bethany and feeding her madness. Steve was attempting to help, but Bethany was living by the "if you can't do it right" motto, so he felt safer keeping an eye on the boys.
"Okay, okay, I think I'm done," Bethany said, looking down at her list, and tapping her foot. "Oh, shit. I'm forgetting something."
"That's a dollar!" Theo's voice chimed.
"Doll," Steve said carefully, taking a step up behind her. "You're not changed."
Bethany looked down at her sweatpants and tank top before chuckling. "And I probably smell a little."
"Maybe a little," Steve teased, kissing her softly. "We all need to change. Hey, everything will be perfect, okay?"
"What if it isn't?" Bethany asked softly.
"Why is this so important to you?" Steve questioned, pulling her into a hug.
Bethany sighed, shaking her head softly. "No particular reason. I mean, Jamie won't remember his first Christmas, I know that. And this may be a good Christmas for Theo, but not the best because of the whole… you know… And it's not our first Christmas either, not as friends or a couple or anything but…"
"We're all good?" Pepper asked as she came into the apartment, apparently having finished her own list.
Bethany nodded, Steve giving Pepper a small smile. "Do you think you can take the boys upstairs for an hour so that Bethany can get ready and I can make sure she doesn't cause bodily harm to herself?"
"Very funny," Bethany said with no humour in her voice.
"No problem. Just let JARVIS know when they can come back down so you can fuss over them," Pepper replied with her kind smile. As she collected the boys, Bethany pressing a kiss to Jamie's head before they left, Steve led Bethany to their bedroom.
"Sex time?" Bethany asked, although it was clear that it was honestly the last thing she wanted or needed right now.
"No," Steve assured her, hands on her shoulders and directing her in the direction of the bathroom. "You need to shower. Shave your armpits, wash your feet, condition your hair, all that girly stuff. And while you do your hair and makeup, I can paint your nails and whatnot. Help you relax."
Bethany let out a deep breath, watching Steve through the mirror as he started the shower and started to take his clothes off. "Now get your bum in here, Mrs. Rogers before I drag you in here."
"Why is that a bad thing?" Bethany asked confused before doing what he said.
While she got ready, Steve did his best to make her smile. When her laughter rang through the room, it was a victory. By the time he was painting her toenails as she worked on her makeup, she looked carefree.
"What are the plans? Red dress or white dress?" Steve asked, carefully brushing the brush against her nail.
"I regret getting white now," Bethany admitted. "With Jamie? I should have gotten a spare."
"You could always change into your charity dress," Steve joked, laughing when Bethany rolled her eyes. "Beth, you were amazing that night. And you looked gorgeous. And we raised a lot of money for charity."
"Yeah, no. All that is great," Bethany nodded. "People telling me to put out an album? Not so much."
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to," Steve promised her. "I vote for white tonight, red tomorrow. You'll be wearing your dress longer tomorrow, and not to mention, you'll be cooking."
"So what I'm really hearing is that we'll be drinking white wine tonight and red tomorrow," Bethany teased.
When the hour was up, and Pepper brought the boys back downstairs, Bethany and Steve looked like brand new people. Bethany had fussed over Steve's hair almost as long as she fussed over her own, and had spent a good five minutes begging him to leave the stubble on his face and just go with it.
Since her hair was still growing out, not yet touching her chin but significantly longer than a few weeks ago, she had skillfully styled it back, the long pieces at the front secured at the back of her head by an elegant barrette. It looked as if she had just pulled back her long hair into a bun opposed to having only a fraction of it. But despite the difficult hairstyle, Bethany had still spent around the same time on Steve's hair.
To match her white dress and red suede pumps, Steve was donning a burgundy shirt and a pair of dark wash jeans. He didn't wear red often, simply because it was such a dramatic colour, but Bethany had reminded him that his uniform was dramatic in itself and that it was Christmas. No one would think twice if he wore red.
They worked as a team to get Theo and Jamie in their clothes, and by three, they were all ready to enjoy the night's festivities. Bethany secured Jamie in his bouncer before she and Steve started to take out the appetizers and drinks. Theo was in charge of the music for the night, as well as keeping Jamie in a good mood. If he succeeded (although they had every intention of doing this regardless of how the night progressed), they would allow him to open one of the gifts under the tree. He had been eyeing the one from Tony all week, trying to kick it up to shake, but the box being too heavy and too big for the little boy to take hold of it.
"Okay, I texted Maria," Steve announced, as Bethany ran her hands down the bodice of her dress, smiling at the stiffness of the skirt. "They're heading down now. Doll, the floor looks great. The boys look great. The food looks great. And you, my love, look amazing. Tonight will be perfect, I promise."
Bethany had to give Theo credit. He was extremely patient. It was close to ten, yet he hadn't nagged any of them regarding his promised present yet. Jamie had fallen asleep in Steve's arms almost an hour ago, and despite the noise in the room, he was sleeping soundly. Bruce had slipped away, claiming a headache, but was really gone to put the Santa suit on.
"Alright kid," Bethany said, nudging Theo as he yawned. "Santa will be here soon. Go get ready for bed."
"But…" Theo said softly, his eyes on Tony's gift.
"Go get ready and then you can open it," Bethany promised. Theo quickly hopped off the couch as the adults began to clean up the area. Steve expertly balanced Jamie as he helped them load the empty dishes into the dishwasher.
"Bruce says he ready when you are," Tony said quietly, pocketing his phone. "And also that he's itchy."
A loud bang sounded from Theo's room, everyone turning in the direction of the door, a "I'm okay" sounding from within. "So excited he's falling over," Jane said with a smile. "I remember Christmas at that age."
"I'm ready!" Theo announced, running over to the Christmas tree and moving to rip the paper off the box.
"He didn't brush his teeth," Bethany told Steve as everyone moved closer to watch Theo open his gift.
"He's excited," Steve reminded her.
"Wow!" Theo announced when he pulled the paper off the front, looking inside a translucent box. "It's a car!"
Tony and Thor moved over to help Theo unwrap the rest of the gift and pull it out from the box, Bethany and Steve watching from the couch. Tony had built Theo one of those electric cars for kids, painting it hot rod red, and with the Avengers' logo on the doors. Unlike the ones they could buy from Toys'R'Us, Tony had fitted this car with an arc reactor so that it wouldn't crap out after a few uses. Tony had even gone so far as to build one for himself and clear out an entire floor in the Tower so that he and Theo could race or play bumper cars.
"Alright, you've opened the gift," Bethany announced. "It's time for bed."
"Awww," Theo moaned, but a long yawn caught the end of it. Steve handed Bethany Jamie before scooping Theo into his arms, but before he could bring him into his bedroom, the elevator opened and Bruce, dressed in the Santa suit, emerged.
"Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!" Bruce cheered, deepening his voice as much as he could.
"Santa!" Theo said with a large smile before it dropped. "Oh no, I'm not sleeping!"
"Santa, what are you doing here?" Maria asked, trying to hide her smirk.
Bruce walked into the room, dragging a huge black bag behind him, letting it fall a few steps short of where Steve and Theo were. Taking Theo's hands, he smiled to him. "Merry Christmas, Theo."
"Merry Christmas, Santa," Theo said, a soft smile on his face.
"I wanted to come and visit you before you fell asleep to tell you something important, but after I tell you, you have to go to sleep so I can do my work," Bruce explained.
"I promise!" Theo nodded vigorously. Steve let Theo down and Bruce sat beside Bethany on the couch, pulling Theo into his lap.
"We'll leave you to it," Pepper said with a soft smile. "Merry Christmas, Santa."
As the rest of the guests left, Steve sat on the table across from the couch, taking Bethany's hand as they waited for Bruce to begin a very practiced speech.
"As you know, Theo," Bruce began. "I get letters from all the kids all over the world and I make sure to read every single one of them carefully. But it's seldom that I get a letter from an adult with a Christmas wish."
"An adult?" Theo asked, confused.
"Yes," Bruce nodded. "You see, I got a letter from a grown up asking me to come here today and deliver it to you, in person." Bruce dug into one of the pockets of the Santa suit and pulled a letter out, handing it to Theo.
The little boy seemed to know what would be inside and slowly opened the envelope, staring at the paper for a moment. "Would you like me to read it?" Bethany asked him, the boy nodding, his eyes full of tears.
As the paper was passed to her, she took in a deep breath. "My dearest Theo. Merry Christmas. I had wished to be with you on this day, but my luck was cut short and I will never forgive myself for missing this time, or any of the time. My days apart from you have been painful, and I've thought of you every single waking moment, and dream about you while I sleep. I have made mistakes through the months, and it is because of this that I am not with you at this very moment. My true Christmas wish was to be with you, watching you open your gifts. I will not get this wish this year, but I will make sure I'll get it next year.
"I hope you understand that I love you very much. I left in an attempt to help someone else that I loved and ran into trouble along the way. I am safe right now, but cannot return to you just quite yet. Do not worry about me. I know not to worry about you. I will see you again one day and I will spend every day trying to make my absence up to you. Once again, Merry Christmas, my love. Merry Christmas. Love, Momma."
**A/N: So guess who started working on the Age of Ultron script? I still have some things to play out before that happens, but the plot will be moving along a little faster from hereon out. Of course, some fluff will be thrown in here and there, but there's a lot I need to set up before I start Ultron, and I guess I figured I'd be done it by now? I get... distracted. A lot. I apologize. The next few chapters may be the same as this one (9000+) just so we can get there faster chapter-wise.
Bethany and Steve's vision from Wanda... I have ideas. I'd love to hear other people's? Steve's is difficult, and I've played it in my head over and over again.
IrelandLover: Figured it would be a cute thing to throw into the story, considering the rest of his family knows how to pilot planes!
FeliciaFelicis: There's a really intense face-flushing scene coming up! I went a little out of my comfort zones (and Steve's too!) but I'm happy with the result :)
Jo: I haven't decided how Theo will react, and I'm the one writing it! I've been putting it off for a while, but I'll have to write it eventually!
