Hi guys! Forgive my absence last week, like Edward, I was on holiday! I had planned to post while away, but it just didn't work out, hence no announcement last chapter to let you know. I also apologize for not having a spare moment to answer reviews. You know how much I love to do it and it just killed me not to be able to, but I had zero opportunity before I left to do so. Just know I read them all and appreciate every word you say. I hope you understand, and please enjoy this next installment!
Oh! And there's a special note at the bottom of this, make sure to read!
Chapter 11
She's terrified of me. Of what I might do if I get near her blood.
All I can do is stand there dumbstruck and numb as a hotel employee rushes over saying something about a car and a ride to the hospital. There's so much activity and I'm just motionless, watching them whisk Bella from me in a flurry of red towels and tears.
"What happened?" Alice is beside me, her hand on my arm and eyes wide as she watches them take Bella away.
"I… I don't know. She cut her hand, maybe? They took her away before I could get to her."
"Oh no! I hope it's not serious! Don't you want to go with her?"
"They took her before I had the chance," I lie, still in shock and not wanting to admit out loud that she basically ran screaming from me.
"Jazz! Give Edward the keys to the rental!" she calls over to him as he's looking at the blood on the ground. A pair of keys are thrust at me, and I take them automatically. "Do you want Jazz to take you?"
"What? No, no. That's okay." Looking at Alice, her face covered with concern, I thank her distractedly.
"It's a blue Ford Focus. There's a GPS. I'm sure there's only one hospital around here. Is there only one hospital?" she calls out to anyone near us.
"The manager took her to Lower Keys Med Center, about twenty minutes away." Someone volunteers.
"You can catch up to her, Edward!" I stand there, still looking at the crime scene. Filled with so much crushing devastation and searing pain, I've shut down from the overload until Alice gives me a shove. "Go!" I do as she says, moving towards the hotel parking lot on autopilot.
The look on Bella's face was pure horror. Of what I am, what she thinks I'm capable of. How could she think I'd ever harm her? Vile self-hatred floods me, the first I've ever felt towards myself apart from when I left her. I've never been ashamed of what I am, but how could I not be now? I'm repulsive, a monster. It obviously took her injuring herself for her true feelings to come out, feelings I'm sure she didn't know she had or chose to ignore, thinking she could handle it.
I'm a fool to think that I could have it all, have her. What sort of sick joke is the world playing on me to let me get so close just to snatch it all away? I should've known karma doesn't reward people like me; foul beings with no sense of morality living inside the body of a demonic mistake of human life.
"FUCK!" I shout, ripping out my hair and crouching low to the ground. If anyone is around to witness my breakdown, I don't care. It's all over anyway.
The hit, my vacation… life with Bella… all over.
Even if she calms down and tries to convince me (and herself) that she'll be able to handle my affliction, the way she reacted was so instinctual, I don't believe it wouldn't happen again.
I should go, turn around and pack up like I was never here, but being the selfish, self-punishing dick I am, I have to see her one last time. I need to know if she's okay.
I'll head to the hospital; I'll just read her chart and gaze at her one final time while she's unaware. I surely don't want to scare her any more than she is. Hopefully, she'll realize me leaving without a goodbye for the second time really is for the best. Then I'll come back here, pack up, and get the next flight out.
I stop throwing a tantrum and locate the car, my instincts taking over when I reach for the door handle. Pulling my hand away sharply, I wipe the keys down with my shirttail before depositing them in my pocket, not wanting to leave all sorts of fingerprints or DNA in their car. I'll return the keys to the front desk as soon as I've returned.
As for my assignment, well, I'll just have to wait for him to return to Washington. I've never had to walk out on a job before, but this is not the time to act, when I'm emotional and in a hurry to get out of town. Besides, if Bella has shunned me, I don't really care if the Jazzman meets his end or not. The world of hired killers will need him with me gone.
Hailing a cab out on the main street, I relay my destination and close my eyes, leaning back on the seat. The warm air rushes over me from the cracked window, so I open it wider and let the whole car fill with the salty sting of ocean breeze, burning it in my memory as it swirls and flows like Bella's scent when I'm surrounded by her. If I could cry, I'd be a mess right now.
Once at the hospital, I locate the emergency department and stick close to the walls, listening for either Bella or someone talking about a hand injury. With a cold feeling of dread, I realize I don't know what the injury is, exactly. What if she lost a finger? Sliced her tendons? Will she be able to work? Did someone put the amputated finger on ice? I should've looked for it before being pushed by Alice to leave. Maybe that's what Jazz was doing when he was studying the crime scene.
Alice. Jasper. I shake my head, incredulous that I accepted help from someone that's been an enemy. Despite my natural hatred for the guy, they offered their help (which is probably something I'd never do, let's be honest), so I have to admit that maybe he's just a nicer guy than me. It was thoughtful of them to offer me their car… unless that was a convenient way for them to collect my DNA and make me? That thought makes me feel a bit better about this unnatural act of kindness bullshit. Not that it'll matter soon who's the nicer hitman with a heart of gold, as I'll be a pile of ashes and he'll finally be number one.
Scanning the dry erase board, I see Bella's last name listed and a location number, so I look over the nurse's desk to see if I can find a chart. Seeing nothing, I slink towards the curtained dividers of where she should be, and hear voices coming from behind the green drapes.
"I'm fine, Patty, really. Get back to the hotel. I'll be back in a bit."
"Bella, just take the rest of the day, I already called Lauren; she's on her way in."
"Tell her I'll take a shift for her next week." I hear movement, and see Bella's manager backing out between curtains.
"I will. Just take it easy. You'll be okay to get home? I'd stay, but I left a busboy behind the bar," she says with a laugh.
"Yeah, go before he gives away all the booze." Bella doesn't seem that distressed now; maybe distancing herself from me has had a calming effect. Or they shot her full of sedatives. There's shuffling in the sheets and I hear Bella sigh, so I take a chance and peek around the curtain, hoping she's lying back on the bed with her eyes closed.
But no, she's sitting up, the blood washed away and a large surgical towel covering her hand and wrist. Her eyes widen when she sees me lurking like a weirdo.
Shit.
"Edward!" She moves so quickly, getting up and running to me, I'm floored when she throws her one good arm around my neck and presses her body close to mine.
She starts speed talking in my ear, before I've even had a chance to register what's happening. "Are you okay? Oh, Edward, that must've been terrible for you, I'm so sorry! I'm so clumsy, the tray just slipped and then all the glasses started shattering on the granite and the floor and… I'm so, so sorry!"
"Sorry?" The fog encompassing my brain starts to lift once I realize what she's saying. "Bella, what are you sorry for? I'm the one that should be apologizing." For scaring you so badly. For being a freak. For existing at all and thinking I had any chance at a life with you.
"I'm sorry you had to be close to all that blood."
What? "Wait, you weren't telling me to back away because you were… terrified of me?"
"Terrified? Oh God, no, I was worried that seeing all the blood would tempt you, or something. And I know you haven't yet had blood from a person, but seeing it was mine I thought… I guess I thought you wouldn't be able to stop yourself and then you'd beat yourself up about it."
I still can't be hearing this right. "So, you weren't scared I was going to attack you?"
"Attack me?" She looks at me, confused. "Edward, you would never attack me!"
Bella isn't afraid of me. She's worried about me.
My heart soars at her words, and I pull her into a tight hug, the sweetest relief washes over me so completely I'm almost afraid to believe it. My lips find the top of her head and my eyes close, my entire body sagging with relief. "I don't have to leave."
It's a quick thought, one I mutter quietly to myself. But Bella tenses in my hold, and begins to pull back. "You were going to leave again?"
Crap.
Moving her to sit on the bed, I pull the chair up so that I can rest my hands on her thighs. "I thought you were scared and repulsed by me."
"But you were going to just go?" The hurt in her voice makes me ache. "Without a word? Without giving me a say?"
"I didn't want you to have to see me." I rest my head on her knee. "Bella, please believe me, the last thing I want to do is to ever leave you again. But I would, if I knew you weren't able to handle what I am. I'd never put that on you. I don't want you to live with any doubt or fear of me."
Softly, I feel her hand begin to comb through my hair, my scalp tingling at her touch. "I'd be a fool to say that I didn't have some hesitations about you," she says, and when I try to move my head she strengthens her hold on me. "But they're not because of some genetic legacy that you have no control over. I'm wary of what you do have control over."
"I have no control over anything when it comes to you." I laugh gently, rubbing my cheek against her thigh as I look up at her. She just hums, and we sit like that for a moment.
"Promise me, Edward. Even if this doesn't work out, you won't go without a goodbye," Bella says softly, her hand still running through my hair.
"I promise." I swallow thickly, ignoring her statement about it not working out. "Your hand, is it okay?"
"It's fine, just a few stitches needed. Doctor should be coming in any minute."
"So you didn't lose a finger?"
"No, just a slice on my forearm. Harmless."
I look at her hand wrapped in the towels and relax. "I'm glad you'll retain the ability to flip people off." Smiling, I recall many instances where Bella's bad driving preceded horns blaring followed by her answering gesture.
"Me too. That would've been a travesty."
We fall into silence waiting for the doctor, my hands still on her thighs while my eyes watch her fiddle with the towel. "I could open it for you a bit, let you get a whiff."
"Bella Swan, are you making vampire jokes?"
"Too soon?"
Settling Bella on her couch two hours later, I prop pillows behind her and put her feet up, her protests about it being her hand and not her lower body ignored by me as I untie her sneakers and rub her feet a bit, making sure she's comfortable.
I take a small pillow and set it gently under her arm, now wrapped in a bandage covering the six stitches on her right forearm. "You're not leaving, are you?" she asks as I stand and grab the remote to hand her.
The tone of her voice thrills me, the way she's almost whining at the thought of me not staying with her. "No, I'm just going to retrieve your moped so it's not sitting in the lot overnight."
"Oh damn, my moped." She leans her head back and brings her injured arm up to her eyes, flexing her wrist which seems to cause some discomfort. "How am I going to use the throttle with this?"
"I guess I'll just have to ferry you in taxis for a while."
"I'm capable of getting a taxi myself. I just don't like the idea of being dependent on transportation I have to call and wait for."
"I could buy a car and be your personal taxi service."
"You would, wouldn't you?"
"In a heartbeat. Okay, I'll be back soon." On instinct, I lean down and kiss her forehead. My lips linger a bit on her warm skin and want to stay a while, but I have plans so I hurry out and begin walking to the hotel at a fast clip (the fastest I've walked in a while) so I can get back to her.
Nearing the front desk, I take Jazzdouche's keys (now that my world isn't ending, I can go back to hating him) out of my pocket with my shirttail and give them another wipe down, planning to leave them with the staff. I realize quickly that they never gave me their last name; I only know it from my intel, so I have no choice but to return the keys to them personally.
But not tonight. I head to my room to leave the keys there so I don't inadvertently touch them. I eye the laptop, knowing I should login and check out what they're doing below me but just can't bring myself to take the time. They'll be here for another ten days, hopefully they're still just sitting around making out and getting shitfaced which will give me plenty of opportunity.
Even hitmen deserve a night off, right?
Using the moped keys Bella gave me, I ride the scooter through the streets stopping at a few stores along the way including the pharmacy the hospital called her pain prescription in to. It's a beautiful evening, the sun is getting ready to set and the sky is that amazing explosion of color again. I smile while riding, breathing in the same air that just a few hours ago, I thought I'd never enjoy again. Her worrying about how I was feeling during her injury speaks volumes, but Bella's had a trying day, so it's not the time to tell her about my job. However, I'm even more confident after all this that it isn't going to be an issue for her.
The TV is on low and Bella's dozing when I enter, so I make as little sound as possible (well, it's me, so there's no sound at all 'cause I'm a stealthy bastard) and go about preparing the items I bought. I'm smiling as I walk back into Bella's living room with a carefully planned tray.
"I smell burnt popcorn." She shifts up on the couch, pulling herself into a sitting position with her good arm.
"You would be correct." I put the slightly charred popcorn down on the coffee table, along with a few other surprises. She looks at everything I've gathered for her, and her fingers move to cover her mouth before she sighs heavily. "Are you in pain? You should lie back; I'll get the prescription for you."
"I'm not in pain, Edward."
"So what's wrong?"
She looks up at me with big, watery brown eyes. "You did it again."
"What exactly, did I do?" I smirk, knowing exactly what I'm doing as I pull the black case from the tray to open it.
"Burnt popcorn, M&M's, and Donnie Darko." She's shaking her head at the junk food and DVD I'm currently inserting into the player. "It's perfect."
"Not quite yet." I run back to the kitchen and grab the remaining items I bought. Holding out a cup to her, she's simultaneously laughing and getting a bit choked up.
"Dixie cup vodka."
Nodding, I sit next to her and tap my tiny cup against hers. "Dixie cup vodka."
In the spring of our junior year, Bella decided that it would be a good idea to borrow my skateboard and head to the park while I was at the dentist to try and learn how to do a kickflip, regardless of the fact that she couldn't keep her balance on it while going in a straight line and me holding her hands.
After finding my board gone, I went to find that dick Yorkie, who I believed to be the thief, only to come across Bella lying on her back in the middle of the half-pipe, her arm clutched to her chest while ungodly moans escaped her throat. I immediately scooped her up and carried her the mile and a half to her house, all the while whispering soothing words into her ear, my board completely forgotten behind us.
Her father, Forks police chief and a volunteer paramedic, determined it wasn't broken, just sprained, but injured enough that he told her she was to stay home and rest on the couch for the remainder of the day. When I suggested I stay by her side since her folks were going out for the night, he begrudgingly agreed, knowing full well that I'd just come back anyway.
We feasted on popcorn I'd burned in the microwave mixed with handfuls of M&M's, all topped off with vodka stolen from her parents' liquor cabinet and drunk out of bathroom Dixie cups. I held Bella and gently ran my fingertips up and down her arm all night, as our current obsession, Donnie Darko, played twice because I didn't want to disturb her sleep by getting up to turn it off.
That was the night I told her I was going to marry her as she slept.
The movie starts, pulling me from my thoughts, and I'm overjoyed when Bella doesn't hesitate to snuggle up against me, like she always did.
As we watch, she snacks, trying to feed me the most burnt pieces, arguing they've retained their heat. There's more popcorn on the couch than in her stomach, but the neat freak in me doesn't care, because in her struggle to get me to eat food, Bella's entire body has become pressed against mine.
I can't stop looking at her as the blue halo of the TV surrounds her in the dim room, and I know I'm going to kiss her if I don't move. I begin to shift but before I can get anywhere, Bella crawls up onto my lap, gingerly keeping her bandaged arm resting on my shoulder.
"You really know how to take care of me."
"I will take care of you forever, if you'll let me."
"I'm starting to believe that."
"See? I'm not such a bad guy." I smirk, very aware that her thighs are tightly pressed against mine and all I want to do is be a bad guy. I can feel the warmth of her skin through the yoga pants she changed into, and if she doesn't let me move in a minute she's really going to be attacked - by a certain part of my body that's about to announce his presence.
Bella's hand moves to my cheek and she lightly strokes a finger down my skin to my mouth. "I still haven't forgiven you."
"What can I do?" I say in a repeat of our beach conversation.
"Shut up." And with that, Bella kisses me for real. Her mouth is hot on mine, open and inviting, and I don't care that I should make us slow down. I kiss her back trying to make up for all the years I've missed. My hands grab her waist and tighten, her body responding by sliding closer. She's pressed right up against me now, neither of us breaking away even as the kiss gains dangerous momentum. She's moaning into my mouth and it's just about the best sound I've ever heard. Her tongue is playing against mine, moving and sucking, then licking my lips and diving back in.
She is vodka, salt and chocolate, and it's better than any rare steak, better than any blood I've ever had.
Bella was, and always will be, intoxicating.
My hands move up her back, wishing they were sliding against bare skin and not the cotton of her shirt, towards her shoulders. Gripping them, I pull her down so that she's digging right into me. Her moan is enough to egg me on, so I do it again and she gasps against my mouth, beginning to move on her own and things are going to get out of hand if she keeps this up. My dick is harder than it's ever been, ecstatic to have the real deal rubbing against it instead of a fantasy and my hand.
My dick and I are in agreement; I never dreamed in a million years I'd have Bella back like this, that she'd be willingly kissing me and grinding on top of me. Again, if I could cry, I would at the sheer delight of this moment.
"Ow! Fuck!"
"What happened?" I feel the loss of her immediately as she pulls her arms from around my neck. "Did you hit yourself?"
"Guess I was getting too aggressive. Maybe it's karma telling me to slow down. Shit." She rests her head against my shoulder and my hands move from pushing her down on me to soothing her back in circles.
"Karma is a cunt."
Bella laughs on top of me. "I can't believe you still use that word. Remember when you called Mrs. Cope that after she caught me and Angela smoking and threatened to tell my dad?"
"It's the best word ever. Describes anyone it's aimed at perfectly with one simple syllable."
Smiling, she pulls back and cradles her hand. I'm bummed the moment is over, but grateful it happened at all. I don't want to push my luck, though. "I should go," I say even though it's the last thing I want.
"You don't have to."
No one ever said Edward Cullen was stupid. "Okay." I clean up the remnants of our party and give Bella one of the pain pills. Pulling a blanket from the back of the couch and laying it over her, she asks me to lie down with her, which I gladly do, minding her arm as I nestle her against me. Her head is under my chin and I stroke her hair, exactly how I did late at night in the confines of her twin bed while the crickets chirped through her open window.
"Thank you for taking care of me," she whispers as I'm lost in what we once had.
Taking a piece of her hair in my hand, I twirl it around my finger. "I'm just sorry it wasn't something I could do for you every time you got hurt." My voice is rough, my slow breathing uneven as I'm filled with a new wave of pain for what I did to her. "I missed so much."
"You're here now." She pulls my arm across her chest, so that I'm cradling her. "It's a start."
Within a few minutes, Bella begins to snore lightly, so I lean down and whisper in her ear.
"I'm going to marry you, Bella Swan."
There is still time to register for the Twi Fic Meet Up in San Diego this year! September 30-October 2! I can't say enogh about what a truly great time it is - meeting authors you love, and other readers that love the same thing you do. I've been to a few now and it's an event I wouldn't miss! I'd love to meet you there, or hang out again if we already have! I'm a good time, just sayin' :)
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Huge thanks as always to my GIF-loving pre-reader, LayAtHomeMom, and my favorite person/muse/beta, CarrieZM. Without them I am nothing.
And without you, I am just a bunch of unread words in cyberspace.
