**A/N: This is a little late, but that's because my betas are allowed to have lives :) Also, expecting them to have a chapter corrected a week is insanity. Writing a chapter for a week is insanity too, but here I've been doing that for 3 stories...
Chapter 42-I've Been Broken
"I've been broken, God knows all the stories I could tell. My guitar's so sick of me feeling sorry for myself. Same ol' heartache, you again. Did you come to party? Do me in? But I don't wanna write a sad song. I don't wanna sing a sad song. No, I don't wanna be a sad song tonight. No, not tonight."
~Sad Song, Laura Benanti
Somewhere between two and six, both Bethany and Steve slept. It was enough for Steve, but when Bethany woke up with a startle at 6:15, he knew she needed more sleep. And an easy day. She seemed to have no intentions of falling back to sleep however. After she told him about the new nightmare she had, the two just laid in each other's arms, talking softly. It was only around seven when they could hear Jamie through the baby monitor that Steve smiled in realization; it was their second wedding anniversary.
"I can't believe it's been two years already," Steve said to Bethany, bringing Jamie to their room and placing him on the sheets next to her.
"I can't believe we've had Jamie for almost a year," Bethany admitted. "Let alone us being married for two. To be honest, I didn't think we'd get this far."
"What?" Steve asked, a chuckle finding its way into his words, but he was positive it was because he didn't know how else to react.
When he was sitting on the bed, Bethany shrugged. "I don't know. I thought I'd have mess it up by now. I mean, I've made mistakes, but-"
"Wait, you thought I'd leave you?" Steve interrupted.
"Well, I know I didn't want to leave you," Bethany explained. "I mean, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. And the worst by default, because you make my life very difficult, Rogers. I never really thought that you'd leave… I don't know. I guess I was just being pessimistic. Like I always am, to be honest. But, living with you is a lot less painful than living without you, so I guess you're stuck with me."
"Damn," Steve said, pretending to sound disappointed. Bethany laughed, shaking her head. "Since today is special, how about no Avengers' things today? No planning the future or worrying about the world. Just you, me and Jamie."
"What do you have in mind?" Bethany asked, sitting up straighter in the bed.
Steve thought about it for a minute, watching as Jamie started to play with Bethany's fingers, taking great interest in her wedding rings. "How about going to the beach? We take the jet off somewhere warm? Maybe pick up some sand castle buckets and shovels and just… be normal for a day?"
The bright smile on Bethany's face showed Steve just how excited she was at the concept. "Can we do presents now?" Bethany asked, tapping Jamie's nose softly with a finger, making the baby break out into a fit of laughter. "I'm really excited for you to see what I got you."
"Of course," Steve said, getting up to go to the closet. He took both of the gifts down, handing Bethany hers and keeping his own as he climbed back on the bed.
"You first," She encouraged, a giant smile on her face. Steve looked down at the box, wrapped in a baby blue paper with a white ribbon weaved around it, a card tucked into the band of the material. He plucked the card and took it out of the envelope, looking at the simple Hallmark card reading 'For my Husband as we celebrate our Anniversary. For all we've shared together, for all that's yet to be…' and inside 'I love you more than ever- you mean the world to me. Happy Anniversary'. It was a very simple looking card, but on the inside, on the completely blank side, Bethany curly scrawl filled it entirely.
My love. Every day, I find myself being driven absolutely crazy by your antics, but every day, I also find myself falling more in love with you. You are everything to me. You don't have my heart because you are it, and I intend to spend the rest of eternity loving you. I am a better person and I can wake up every morning and can actually live with myself because of you. We've created so many memories together, both good and bad, and I can't wait to create more (and commemorate them) with you and our son.
Forever and always truly yours,
Beth
Steve couldn't help but smile, looking over to his wife. She hadn't been watching him as he read her touching words, but had been playing with Jamie. "That's beautiful, Doll," he whispered to her, her head looking up towards him, her blonde curls bouncing with the movement. The light was starting to pour in through the blinds, making her blonde hair turn gold. She looked so beautiful in that moment, glowing, smiling and holding their adorable baby boy, Steve wanted to do just as the card suggested; commemorate it.
"Open it!" Bethany pressed on, giving him a light shove, really excited for him to see what she got him.
He started to unwrap the gift, first the bow, then the wrapping paper and then finally the box. Steve didn't move for a moment while he looked at the contents before picking up the polaroid camera and looking to his wife. "To commemorate our future," she explained. "You know how much I love pictures and I thought this would be perfect for you because you have an eye for beauty. You can't always sit and sketch and I figured… I don't know, you'd like this more than your camera phone- which don't get me wrong! Is convenient but-"
"Stop," Steve interrupted, capturing her chin and giving her a smile. "I love it. No explanation needed."
"You sure? Because I mean, we could always return-"
"Return my gift? Nuh-uh," Steve said shaking his head. "This is such a well-thought out and thoughtful gift. One that we can enjoy together, and isn't that the point about today? Celebrating us. Us being together?"
"Yeah," she replied softly, a warm flush starting to take over her. Bethany had already set the camera up for use so Steve rose it carefully and took a snap of Bethany and Jamie.
"Okay, while we wait for this to clear up," Steve said, taking a hold of the dispensed photo and holding it carefully. "You open your gift."
"Okay," she agreed with a giant smile. When it came to opening gifts, Bethany always reminded Steve of a little kid. Her entire face would light up and the knowledge of getting a gift seemed to delight her. In that moment Bethany, her curls wild with sleep and face bare, made it very easy for him to see her as a little girl, opening a rare gift during the Great Depression. Bethany had once told Steve that Howard would give her random gifts. Sometimes it was little weed-flowers, pieces from cars or other types of technology and when Howard started to get a pay, dresses and records, books and tools. Howard always took such great care of his little sister, it pained Steve to think that one day, they just started to fall apart. Somehow though, Steve refused to believe that Howard stopped taking care of her or even caring about her more than anything else in the world. It was as if Howard only had the capacity to love one person in the entire world, and that was saved just for Bethany.
Bethany's smile grew when she opened the gift. It had two aspects to it; a collection of vinyl's that had been destroyed in the entire Ultron fiasco which were 1930s, forties and fifties collectibles, which at this point took a lot of online surfing to find, and a dress. Howard always bought Bethany dresses, at least one per year. Tony had picked up that tradition somewhere along the line. Now Steve was prepared to do the same.
"Some of them aren't the same as what we had before," Steve explained, taking a Greatest Hits Benny Goodman record out of the box. "But this has all your favorite Goodman songs from Let's Dance to Avalon and two Peggy Lee songs. I figured you'd appreciate it."
"I do," Bethany promised, kissing him quickly before looking at the backs of all the records to read all the songs on the ten records, noting songs she really liked, before pulling out the flowy summer dress. The colours and print caught Steve's attention a month ago when he and Jamie were running errands, and he had to turn back to the store to buy it. Paparazzi had been following him the entire day, and Steve had been nervous that Bethany would find out about the gift before she opened it. Everything seemed to work out perfectly.
"Are you going to try this on too?" Bethany teased, showing him the dress. "You said the best gifts are the ones we can share. The records I get, but the dress?"
"Well, I get to enjoy seeing you in it," Steve explained before a wicked smile split his face. "And enjoy taking you out of it."
"And wash it, dry it, hang it up for me on the weeks you do laundry," Bethany added with a chuckle, kissing him again. "I love it. I love you."
"I'll never get tired of you saying that," Steve told her softly, capturing her face softly and kissing her slowly as the last of the polaroid cleared up, showing a perfect capture of Steve's not-so-perfect, but perfect-for-him family.
Bethany was walking slowly behind Jamie, trying to steer him away from trouble. She wanted to encourage his new-found motor skills and let him exercise his little legs as much as possible. The baby seemed to love his freedom and would often just walk around in circles for absolutely no purpose but to walk. Right now, they were on the communal living space, since it was ironically, the safest place for him to wander with all the open spaces.
"Your nephew might be the most annoying person in the world," Steve declared as he walked into the room, Bethany catching Jamie's hands and steering him away from the electrical outlet he was no doubt eyeing. All the dangers in their apartment had been baby-proofed, but all the moving boxes were a lot more dangerous.
"Oh, I doubt that," Bethany said with a chuckle. "I knew a mercenary back in my SHIELD days who literally made jokes about everything and swore way too much, even for my tastes. I don't know what happened to him. He just sort of disappeared from the face of the Earth one day, as if he was sucked into another universe. Anyways, what did Tony do? Or say?"
"He says we can only take the Stark Industries Jet if he can tag along," Steve explained, reaching out to twirl some of Bethany's hair around his finger so it could gain its shape back.
"Oh, well that's not the end of the world," Bethany said with a shrug, once again steering Jamie in a new direction, his parents on his tail.
"But that means we don't get our special family alone time," Steve explained.
"Technically, Tony is still family," Bethany pointed out with a giggle. "Listen, let's extend the invitation to everyone. The entire gang is in need of a little vacation time. Plus," she added when Steve's face clearly showed how much he didn't like her idea. She turned around, wrapping her arms around his waist and pulling him close to her. "That means you and I can really get some alone time with someone around to watch the baby."
Steve's face lit up at her suggestion but quickly broke away from her embrace to catch Jamie before he reached the standing lamp in the corner. "Oh, no you don't," Steve told him as he lightly threw the boy into the air and caught him, Jamie's laughter filling every inch of the room.
"Careful," Bethany warned lightly, not being able to keep her smile to herself. "You boys be careful. I'm going to see who else wants to join us."
"'Careful', she says," Steve cooed to Jamie as Bethany turned to leave. "She's the one who jumps off buildings for show."
"Hey, we both do that!" Bethany defended herself before the elevator doors closed. She shook her head in amusement before looking at the numerous floor options in front of her. If Tony was coming, no doubt the invitation was already extended to Pepper. Clint had already left to return to his family, Bruce was still MIA and Thor was visiting Jane briefly before he left, leaving very little people still in the building.
"Might as well start at the top," Bethany whispered to herself, hitting Natasha's floor. She hadn't seen much of the redhead and what she had, she had been very quiet and solemn. Bethany hadn't really had much time to talk to Natasha and truthfully, she felt bad. Out of everyone Natasha knew, Bethany understood what she was going through the most. Natasha had opened herself up to Bruce in such an intimate way and he just left her. Bethany knew a little of what that was like. And what had Bethany spent her time doing? Building a better, happier future for herself.
Bethany waited at Natasha's door for three minutes, waiting for the woman to answer before Bethany decided to take matters into her own hands. After a few minutes of trying to get the control panel off from the wall, she began to work the wires until the door to Natasha's apartment broke open. The thing that told Bethany that this wasn't invading Natasha's privacy was knowing that Nat would do the same if Bethany had locked herself away.
She spotted the agent sitting on her couch which was positioned to look out at the New York skyline, hugging her knees to her body. Bethany took a spot next to Natasha, who hadn't moved but no doubt was aware of Bethany's presence. They said nothing for a few minutes and Bethany was grateful for the silence so that she could collect her thoughts.
"I can hear those gears turning," Natasha said, breaking the silence. "What's up?"
"I want to offer to talk," Bethany began, still looking out the window. "But then I remember when people wanted me to talk to them and all I wanted to do was just be alone. But… I guess I just want you to know that I'm here if you'd like to talk."
Natasha didn't react at first, but when Bethany looked at her, she could see that the woman was working something out in her complex brain. "Am I being silly?"
Bethany laughed, not from the humor of the situation or her words, but just knowing that she had felt the same way before. "You shouldn't ever feel silly for what you're feeling. I don't know what that is exactly. I'm not sure what the deal between you two was, but... I don't need to know. Listen, we're going to the beach today. Not entirely sure where, but we're boarding the Stark Industries Jet and going to have a fun day in the sun. You're welcome to join us. But if you want to stay here, that's fine too. Trust me, you can't be more pathetic than I was. You've left the apartment. You're working on plans to help build a better future. You're involved. But I just don't want you to feel like you're alone."
"I'm good," Natasha said quietly. "I think I just need one more day to gather myself. And tomorrow… tomorrow I'll be good."
"You're so much stronger than I ever was or could ever be," Bethany revealed to her friend, giving her a soft smile. She could never just pick herself up and go back to normal, or an attempt at normal. Even now, Bethany knew that if something happened to Steve… Ideally, she'd want to pick herself up and be strong for Jamie, but she didn't forget what it is like for her. Some people had the strength to push through their pain of losing someone, but Bethany wasn't one of those people. Or at least, not when it came to Steve. She could handle physical pain easily - minus when she was pregnant, but that was because the pain had been constant and insistent and not only temporary. But maybe that was it. Bethany could deal with pain in short bursts. Ten minutes of pain was fine all because she knew it would be over soon. But if she lost Steve again, she would be brave for Jamie because ultimately, she couldn't let him lose both of his parents. But she would be weak. She would be pitiful. She'd crawl back into that ashamed little hole she resided in for years.
Bethany pulled her hair into a ponytail as her blonde curls stuck to her neck. She was missing the New York weather more than she was willing to admit. Or maybe it was the London weather. She missed the rain. And the cloudy days. She missed the humidity. Humidity and heat made even the easiest of tasks draining. And hauling a huge box filled with movie reels up into her room definitely was a two-person task. Jarvis had caught her dragging the box up from the garage and offered to help but she turned him down—maybe a little too forcefully too. Jarvis wasn't one to take Bethany's 'no's as a final word, but the tone and probably the fierce look in her eyes told him today wasn't the day to mess with her.
She had set up the projector earlier. That task seemed to be easy. Maybe it was because this morning, her mind was set on this. But now, she was loosing her courage. But she was starting to forget what he looked like. She had that one single photo of him, framed on her vanity, of his gaunt and shallow face. But she was forgetting his height. His strength. His commanding presence. His smile. His laughter. Him.
She had spent a year trying to escape him. She had spent another one trying to remember him. And finally, that very morning, she realized that seeing him again, face pixeled and grey, couldn't possibly hurt her anymore than forgetting him, piece-by-piece.
Bethany wiped her nose with the back of her arm, sniffing. She couldn't let him see her cry. Even if he couldn't actually look back and see her through the video, she couldn't show him how utterly weak and disappointing she was. That her life was completely pointless, that she was dying inside, starting the day she let him down. He couldn't know that. She couldn't tell him that. She just couldn't bring herself to disappoint him again.
Bethany secured the reel and flicked the lights off before letting the picture flicker to life. She crawled into her bed, gathering her sheets around her, gripping them tightly in her fingers, as if it was the only thing she had in this world. And while she knew that wasn't true, it felt like it. As if now that Steve was gone, she had no one.
As soon as his image appeared dancing onto the screen, his bright smile shining through the damaged image, she couldn't hold herself together anymore. This was a bad idea. Seeing him again, happy… It was a horrible idea. But she couldn't bring herself to turn away, to stop the reel. What hurt the most was that she took that happiness from him. It wasn't just losing someone she loved. It was hurting the one she loved and never getting the opportunity to earn his forgiveness. She didn't deserve it, but knowing Steve, he'd give it to her. He was just that kind of man.
"I'm sorry," she whispered to the screen, her voice breaking as her cries began to grow. She was falling apart, right in front of him. She was in permanent agony over him, but in this moment, she felt as if someone was ripping her into two equal pieces.
She didn't want to live the rest of her life mourning after Steve, but she knew that moving on would take courage she didn't have. Learning to love again would be impossible. She didn't want to open herself up again. She didn't want to go back to that old girl, because she had been selfish and immature. But at the same time, she wished she wasn't constantly in pain. Constantly longing after something that would never be. It seemed silly. But she could not forget Steve. She would never be able to let him go.
Bethany's eyes were puffy, red and raw when Ana Jarvis entered the room. Bethany didn't even notice until the slender woman flicked the switch and the movie reel fell dead. The woman seemed to stop part of Bethany's self-inflicted torture, but at the same time, Bethany wanted more. She hadn't yet heard him laugh. Watch him take command. See a glimpse of him and her, together. But then again, Bethany wasn't sure if she could handle that.
"Don't cry, Lamb," Ana said to Bethany as she crawled into the bed next to her and pulled her into her arms. Bethany seemed to collapse into them, clinging onto her as she had earlier done with the blankets.
Ana always called Bethany 'Lamb' and the blonde had never bothered to question it but she figured it was because Ana was constantly worried about Bethany, as a mother would be about her daughter. It made Bethany wonder if her own mother would comfort her the way Ana was if she was in her place. What her mother would have thought of Steve. She knew that she would have loved him. Her father too. And it probably would have been the first time in Bethany's whole life where her mother was actually proud of her daughter, and would grieve along with Bethany.
"No, you can cry," Ana seemed to change her mind. "You pretend you're okay all the time, but we all know you aren't. There's no need to pretend. We all know you miss him. You need him. That you wonder what could have been."
"I feel lost," Bethany sobbed into the woman's shoulder. "Everything I do, it seems wrong. A smile seems forced even if its genuine. I want to be happy, but it seems impossible."
"You'll discover something one day that'll make you happy again," Ana promised. "Maybe not the same kind of happy as before, but happy none-the-less. There's nothing more painful than losing a loved one. It's the greatest pain in the world."
"I don't know what's worse," Bethany began, finally pulling away from the woman. "Talking about him or not. It seems like they both hurt. Remembering and forgetting. I can smile and pretend, just as you say, but as soon as I'm alone, I feel… I feel hopeless. And the only way I can get peace isn't an option."
"Death isn't an option, Lamb," Ana reminded Bethany firmly. "It won't solve anything."
"It would take away my pain," Bethany whispered.
Ana shook her head, offering the broken girl a soft smile. "And take you away from a future that could be brighter than your past. My Lamb, you have so much to look forward to. And it may be harder for you than for anyone else, that is for sure, but you know you have me. And Mr. Jarvis. And your brother. He may not be here as often as you like, but you know he'd drop anything if you even whispered for him."
A smile, so soft and small that it looked like a grimace pulled at Bethany's lips. Just as she had earlier revealed, it felt forced despite it being real. Ana was right. Howard would drop anything, no matter what it was, if Bethany even thought about it. Especially now. Everyone assumed that Bethany would have recovered by now. Howard had hired so many doctors to look after her, but Bethany had refused help from everyone. She didn't need help. And more importantly, she didn't want it.
"No more hurting yourself, okay?" Ana requested. "You may heal but it's not going to solve anything. And it hurts us all to see you like that."
"This is who I am now," Bethany reminded Ana. "This is who I need to be."
"Who you need to be isn't what the world is forcing upon you. It's what you want to be," Ana pressed on. "And you just told me you didn't want to be unhappy anymore. Come. Let's get you cleaned up. And then we can take small steps to finding out who you want to be. And if you cry, you cry. Don't shut yourself up here. You'll only hurt yourself more by pushing everyone away."
DrNo: Yup! Now that he can actually lift weights and exercise, his muscles are bound to react to that. I was personally hoping that Marvel would have mentioned something in regards to Steve's aging by now, but for the mean time, I have him aging at a normal speed. It makes Bethany not aging a little more dramatic.
endlessgray: See, that's my struggle. I like that there would be a lot of drama if Bethany sided with Tony but at the same time, I don't know if I'll necessarily need MORE drama with everything that'll be happening. The story will definitely take on a darker tone, especially if someone dies at some point, but it'll start really happy so the fall will be that much more impacting.
anonymouscsifan: I have absolutely no plans for Jen to start dating again. She's going to start to understand what HYDRA did to her when they move into the Facility though, but no plans on her dating. She made a promise to Theo and to Bethany. She wants to focus on her son for now.
Adela: Ah, but if Tony dies, think about how much that'll be fun for me to write! I'm gonna basically follow whatever happens in Civil War, so it's all in their hands. I'm just editting the story so that Bethany can live within it. Ant-Man story should come in soon. I'm working on chapter 46 right now, but I feel like it'll come in before 50.
Jo: Yeah, Bipolar Disorder definitely is a complicated thing to understand, so I wanted the readers to know that even when she seemingly is doing good (and hasn't had an attack since Sorry Ever After, it still comes into her day-to-day life and how she feels things.
Scandalous: I kinda want to, but I wouldn't know who to write as the third to be honest! I also can't really see Steve going for it, and as we've noticed, Bethany is a very jealous person.
