Chapter 54- One Big, Broken, Messed Up Family

"I know you think that you're out there all alone. You're a crazy orphan without a home. You stand so tall with everything in place. Perfumed and perfect, some left no trace. But we're one big, broken, messed up family."

~Say It Now, Julianna Zobrist


Steve was watching Jamie get apple sauce all over his body, knowing full well that letting the baby take full control over it was a dumb idea, but he couldn't help but chuckle. The entire time, the curly-headed baby smiled and laughed at the sticky substance. "Well, isn't this a sight," Bethany said as she came down the stairs.

Steve watched as his exhausted wife stopped at the end of the stairs, leaning against the wall. "Good morning Doll Face," he greeted her softly. She had been tossing and turning all night due to bad dreams. Steve had hoped she could sleep the day away, but if she was out of bed already, he knew that she had given up. Bethany had heavy bags under her eyes, her curls slipping out of the bun she had put them in the night before, holding one of Steve's heavy woolen cardigans around the light summer jumper she wore to bed.

"I hope I didn't keep you up all night," she whispered, her hoarse voice only adding to her image of exhaustion.

"Nah," Steve lied, getting out of his chair and pulling the one next to him out, signaling for her to take it. She did, stopping only once in front of him to give him a soft 'good morning' kiss. "Let me make you breakfast. What would you like?"

"Do we have avocados still?" Bethany asked, taking a hold of Steve's coffee before taking a sip.

"Yeah," Steve nodded, knowing exactly what she wanted. "Toast, egg and avocados coming right up."

"You are a Godsend," Bethany praised as Steve went to work. He kept eyeing Jamie and Bethany, the latter cooing to her son, trying her best to clean him up. Steve wanted to know what exactly kept Bethany up the night before, but he knew by now when she wanted to talk about it and when she didn't. Lately, she had been opening up to him about every bad dream, but it took a few hours sometimes for her to let it settle and remind herself that it wasn't as scary now as it was then.

"I thought we'd invite Wanda for dinner," Bethany said suddenly. "Our girls' weekend only reminded me just how young she really is. I mean, we can't really take on the role of her parents, but I do want to show her that we'll help and support her."

"I invited Theo and Jen over tonight," Steve replied. "Sorry, I thought I told you. It's Theo's first day of school and he said he wanted to tell us all about it."

"Oh, right. I did know that," Bethany whispered. The decision on Theo going back to public school was a difficult one, but ultimately, Theo said he really wanted to. He wanted to make friends again. Jen had enrolled him in a new school that was close to the Facility and Jackson had moved back into the city. He had made enough money while taking care of Theo and Jamie so he was spending his time working on his music, meaning whenever they needed help, he'd come back. He loved both Jamie and Theo, so he didn't mind this new arrangement at all.

They had all become like part of their family. The team, their friends. Their existing family was so small; it was absolutely inevitable. And Bethany wanted to make sure that the people she considered to be part of her family felt it. That they knew they could turn to her for anything and she would fight like hell to get it for them. They were one big, broken, messed up family.

"Can you make a side of scrambled eggs and salsa verde?" Bethany added as an afterthought.

"Someone's hungry," Steve teased, immediately going to fulfill her wishes. "Any big plans for today?"

"Helping Maria with some new recruit trainings," Bethany explained.

"Do you need me to watch Jamie?"

Bethany shook her head when Steve looked over. "No, he's pretty good at those kinds of things. It's the minute I put him in a baby chair that he gets fussy. I don't know how he sits there every morning with you when you work out."
"I give him food," Steve explained. "It keeps him busy."

"Smart," Bethany congratulated. "I'll have to try that next time we're stuck in meetings."

"I don't mind watching him," Steve stressed. "It's not an inconvenience."

"Steve, you can't properly train when taking care of him," Bethany chuckled. "I know you two love spending time together, but admit it you get more done when he's with me."

"Possibly," Steve admitted.

"Probably," Bethany teased, throwing him a wink before moaning and putting her head down on the table. "Do you think Maria will be mad if I step out of this commitment?"

"No," Steve replied. "Bethany, people know that your first priority is Jamie. Especially Maria. I can go in your place if you'd like. Natasha is perfectly capable of taking care of the team for a day."

"Would you?" Bethany asked as she brought her head up, a sad desperation in her eyes.

"Of course," Steve nodded.

"I love you," She replied. "You're amazing."

"You take care of me when I'm injured. I take care of you when you're tired," Steve told her.

Bethany got out of her seat, wrapping her arms around Steve's waist, pressing her head to his back. "I dreamt about the abortion house again," she whispered.

Steve's shoulders sagged slightly. It killed him that this was still haunting her seventy years later. It was impossible to make peace with it if her self-conscious kept bringing it up. "Were you going willing this time, or forced?"

"Forced," her voice said meekly. Steve wasn't sure which dream was worse. Either way, she felt guilty when she woke up, reminded that this wasn't just a dream. It was a very real part of her past.

"All night?" Steve asked.

"Yes," she replied. "The same dream every time I went back to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes. I guess it's better than having all of my dreams in one night."

"I guess," Steve mumbled, turning off the burner when Bethany's eggs were ready. He turned in her arms, holding her close to him. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Bethany mumbled against his chest. "It's mine."

"You don't deserve this," Steve promised her. "You made a mistake. You didn't think it was one at the time, but you do now. And it still bothers you. And I'm sorry that it's still haunting you. I really am. I wish I could just take away all your pain. All your nightmares, both when you're asleep and when you're awake."

She looked up at him with a soft smile. "I wish I could do the same for you."

Steve tried to give her a comforting smile, kissing her forehead. The two of them, so broken by the past, by their mistakes and the horrors they've seen, made one whole person when they were together. Steve had accepted his nightmares as a natural part of his life now. So had Bethany. Most nights and mornings were spent with the two of them comforting the other. And the times when they both were traumatized by their dreams, they just held each other until the world told them they had to let go and move on.


Bethany was grateful that Jamie went down for his nap right after lunch. He had crawled up next to Molly, digging his face into her fur and fell to sleep within seconds. Bethany carried him up to his crib, Molly on Bethany's heels. After lying Jamie down in his bed, she picked Molly up and placed her beside him. Steve was always nervous that Molly would lie on Jamie's face and suffocate him, since cats did that on occasions, but Molly only curled up by Jamie's side and waited until he woke up before moving. It warmed Bethany's heart to see her once attention-hogging cat create a bond with her baby boy.

Moving to her room, she laid down on the bed with a flop and closed her eyes. Her lids were heavy all morning long, her vision hazy from exhaustion. She knew that she needed some sleep. Jamie would probably sleep for an hour or two, but she needed to make up for a full night's sleep. She just couldn't stop thinking about her dream. She had been forced into that abortion house in her dream, but in real life, it was her decision. And despite being seventy years ago, she remembered everything about the experience very, very vividly. This was mostly because her dreams wouldn't let her forget.

She turned around, trying to think about something else. She pulled Steve's pillow close to her. It smelled like his shampoo. She held it closer to her, holding it as if it would keep her from drowning in her emotions. She forced her memories to think about before the abortion house. If she could force herself to think about everything that came before the biggest mistake of her life, maybe she could have a peaceful dream, or even a dreamless sleep.

Bethany was waiting in the corner, trying to build her courage up. Getting out of bed that morning was nearly impossible. She had never felt so spineless before in her life. No matter what she decided to do, she felt like her world was crashing to the ground. But once she built up the courage to ask Lorraine for help, that was it. Her mind would be made up. She could do it. When news arrived that Steve and his team were coming back to the base today, Bethany knew that this was her last chance. She was terrified and she had no desire to tell Steve about the baby. Especially since she knew what would happen then. No, this was the right thing for her. For both of them. They couldn't raise a baby. Not now. Not in the middle of a war. They'd be forced to get married. To be saddled with each other for the rest of their lives. Bethany was confident that they were ready for that. There was so much they had left to explore and learn from each other. Steve still thought that Bethany was this perfect angel but she wasn't. If he married her now and found out later how much of a failure she was, she'd ruin his life.

"Lorraine," Bethany whispered when the blonde walked by her. She froze, turning to Bethany with a frown on her face.

"Did you say something?" She asked.

Bethany opened her mouth to reply but found her throat dry. She nodded instead and Lorraine, seeing how distraught Bethany was, took a hold of her arm and brought her to her room. Bethany sat on the bed and Lorraine took the bed across from her, waiting to see what was wrong. "Is it Captain Rogers?" Lorraine asked.

Bethany and Lorraine didn't talk much. Bethany knew that they were both similar girls. They were flirtatious and continually used their wit to charm men. Bethany knew that if there was one girl at the base that could help her, it would be Lorraine. Even if the woman had never been in trouble like Bethany was, she would help her.

"Sort of," Bethany whispered, letting out a deep sigh. She looked at the heavy door which was shut tightly against its frame. It was just the two of them. "I-I need your help. I'm… I'm…"

"In the family way?" Lorraine supplied, Bethany looking at her with a mix of guilt and horror on her face. "Does Captain Rogers know?"

"No," Bethany said, shaking her head and swallowing deeply.

"Don't you think he should know? If you're asking me to help you with what I think you're asking me to do," Lorraine replied.

"I-I can't," Bethany stuttered, struggling to keep her body from quivering with her fear.

"Because he's not the father?"

"No," Bethany said alarmed. "He-he is."

"Then why aren't you telling him? He'd marry you. He is not one of the sore suckers of men out there who get women pregnant and wouldn't live up to the consequences. He would."

"I don't want that," Bethany replied. "To get married and have a baby. Not know. I can't. If I do all that now, I'll never have a chance to do everything else I need to do. For me. Who else would look out for what I want more than I do? If I get married and have a baby, it's not about me and my happiness anymore."

"You don't think he'll understand that?"

"No!" Bethany snapped. "He wouldn't. He'd try to convince me to keep it. And I know… he'd succeed. And I'd be forced to live in a life I know I don't want. If I get rid of it before he finds out, we can keep on living our life. And then maybe one day-"

"Bethany, I understand," Lorraine said quietly. "But do you think that you can lie to him for years on end?"

Bethany swallowed deeply again, closing her eyes. She had thought about it before and decided that she could do it. It was a small sacrifice to make if it meant getting to stay with him, the way things were now. "It needs to be tonight," Bethany said, building her strength. "If he sees me tonight, he may notice… he may see the…"

"The bump?" Lorraine supplied, once again. "You can barely see it."

"You can with no clothes on," Bethany said softly. "Please, Lorraine."

"It'll hurt," Lorraine replied. "And it's dangerous. You'll be sore for days. You may not be able to have kids afterwards. You could even die. And then what? What will you say to Captain Rogers? Or me? If you die, do you expect me not to tell anyone why?"

"I'll pay you to keep quiet," Bethany stressed. She knew that her rapid cellular regeneration would keep her from having any complications in the long run. She just had to get through the night and everything would be okay. "Just help me put an end to this before it's too late."

Lorraine looked at her hands before sighing. "I can get you an address. But it might only be after the men arrive back home. Can you wait that long?"

"I don't see what choice I have," Bethany replied. "Just… please, don't tell anyone."

"My lips are sealed," the blonde assured.


Steve wasn't impressed with the recruits, but he knew that they could go a long way with some proper training. Most of them had background in sciences that Steve couldn't even pronounce, and he knew how helpful that could be. He and Maria had spent the entire day watching the recruits, jotting down notes, giving them instructions and hoping for the best. Not much had developed through the day, but he had done his duty.

When he arrived home, the house was loud. Jen and Bethany were gabbing in the kitchen and Theo was chasing Jamie around the family room. Steve kicked off his shoes, feeling warmth well up. This was how he wanted to come home everyday. Children playing, the smell of dinner wafting through the house. Steve's eyes caught the mirror by the mudroom. Since he wasn't working with the team today, Steve elected just to wear his workout clothes. He had a feeling that when Bethany saw him, not wearing his uniform, she'd be happy.

"Babe?" Steve called out, walking to the kitchen.

Her face lit up when she saw him. "Hi! Good day?"

"Long day," Steve admitted, kissing the top of her head. She still looked tired, but she was putting on a happy face.

"Thanks for what you did," Bethany added. "It may seem small, but it meant a lot."

"Of course," Steve nodded. "Hey Jen, how are you?"

"Doing well," she replied with a smile. "Work has been good, I've been good and Theo has been good. Can't complain."

"We're happy for you," Steve said seriously as Jamie ran into the kitchen, with wild laughs and hugging onto Steve's leg. Steve picked him up, tossing him lightly into the air and kissing his cheek. "Hey Munchkin. Theo, how was school?"

"So much fun!" Theo declared. "I made new friends and we played tagged at recess!"

"Sounds great," Steve congratulated. "Need help with dinner, Beth?"

"Just spaghetti," Bethany shrugged. "The sauce is cooking now, but I was thinking we could wait until six before I started to boil the water?"

"Can I go play on the swing set?" Theo asked, viewing it from the backdoor window.

"Knock yourself out," Bethany said with a smile, the women getting out of their chairs so they could all go outside. Steve made sure that the pool gate was closed before Theo was allowed to play on the giant structure Bethany had picked out. Jamie was too small to enjoy it. He liked the swings and slide some days, but since Steve just came home, he was content sitting on his lap while the adults watched Theo play.

"I'm really glad you invited us over tonight," Jen admitted.

"We've been used to sharing meals with the team," Steve explained. "It's nice having dinner just the three of us, but we like to share it with others too. Away from the work environment."

"Yeah, plus we wanted to know about how Theo's first day went," Bethany added. "Make sure that after last year… well, we wanted to make sure that he was okay with the transition. So far so good. That makes me happy."

"I think him making friends has a lot to do with the fact that he told everyone he lives on the Avengers Facility and that he knows the world's superheroes," Jen teased. "I'm not sure I've thanked you properly for all you've done for him. For me."

"Seeing you both happy is all the thanks we need," Bethany replied honestly. "Plus, we love that little boy. You are happy, right Jen? You'd tell us if you weren't, right?"

"I am," Jen said with a nod and a smile. "I really am. But I-uh… I need to talk to you two about something. I'm not sure how you'll take it, but I wanted to let you know before word got to you, since I feel like it will."

"What's up?" Bethany pressed on.

"I met someone," Jen said shyly. Steve and Bethany looked at each other, their faces mirroring the others. When it came to Jen dating, it had always been a disaster. Bethany had more than enough stories about all of Jen's partners to share with Steve. Their concern on her dating, especially so soon after the entire Jacob fiasco was something they needed to carefully screen. It wasn't that they didn't trust her. It was the fact that Jen trusted men too easily. Jen was only recently able to get her marriage to Jacob annulled. Both Bethany and Steve hoped that she'd stay single for a little longer.

"O-oh?" Bethany asked, trying to mask her concern.

"Listen, it's different this time," Jen explained.

"How so?" Bethany replied. Steve could tell she was trying not to let her disapproval show through, but she was failing. "Why won't this guy ruin your life just like the last? You're still vulnerable. He could walk over you."

"Because 'this guy' is Javan," Jen said.

Steve and Bethany looked at each other again, this time their eyes wide with shock. Javan was the head doctor at the Facility and technically Jen's boss. But work relationships weren't something they looked down upon. What they were shocked about was the fact that 'this guy' was actually a woman. "Oh," was all Bethany could offer.

"We're taking it really slow," Jen began. "We've had dinner together a few times. It's like a high school romance, that's how slow we're going. She knows about my past and we're just working on building trust and understanding."

"Huh," was all Steve could say in response. He had nothing against homosexuality despite his religious roots. He credited it to the fact that he grew up as an outsider and therefore accepted the other outsiders as normal people. He just never assumed that Jen would date another woman.

"Well, she makes you happy?" Bethany asked after a long silence.

"Very," Jen nodded. "She's great with Theo. She respects me at work and at home. And when she asks me about my day, I don't feel like it's a formality. I feel like she really wants to know. And that feels good. To have someone who cares like that. All I've ever wanted was someone to treat me the way she treats me. I was just looking in all the wrong places."

"As long as you're happy, I'm happy," Bethany promised Jen, reaching a hand out for her.

Steve nodded in agreement. "We want you to be happy and if she makes you happy, then that's great. That's really great."

"Like I said, we're taking it slow," Jen continued. "I want Theo to be my first priority, but I didn't plan to have feelings for Javan. They just… they just happened."

"That's usually how it works," Steve replied, looking at his wife. They shared a soft smile together. They hadn't planned on falling for each other. Their lives would probably be a lot easier if they never fell in love. But Steve knew one thing for certain; if he hadn't fallen in love with Bethany, he wouldn't be as happy as he was now.


After Steve and Bethany gave Jamie his bath, read him three stories and got him to fall asleep, they decided to swim in the pool opposed to going to bed. Bethany was still tired from her lack of sleep, but they hadn't had the opportunity to swim in the pool just the two of them, and the temperature could drop any day now. They had anticipated only having a month, maybe a month and a half with the pool before they had to close it up, but it felt like the time had disappeared in a blink of an eye.

"Surprised about Jen?" Bethany asked Steve as they waded in the shallow end.

"Extremely," he nodded. "But you've always said that Jen's problem was with men."

Bethany chuckled before dunking her head under the water. When she came back up, her hair wet and slicked back she was still smiling. "And here I thought she and Jackson had a thing."

"Me too," Steve admitted. "But I'm glad for them. Speaking about things… Kiley and Sam? Have you noticed-"

"I have," Bethany nodded. "What do you think about it? I mean, she's clearly happy. She's not quite her old self, but we both know that she'll never really be that way again, but it's a huge improvement. And yeah, it could be the anti-depressants she's on, but Sam's a great guy."

"He is," Steve nodded before letting a deep breath out his nose. "I just keep thinking about what'll happen if Bucky comes back. I was under the impression that they had feelings for each other. I was kinda rooting for them."

"I know you were," Bethany said softly, swimming closer to him. "And he deserves to be happy just like she is, Babe. But she's associating fear and her addictions with him right now. She knows she shouldn't, but she can't help it. She's been attending therapy twice a week, so she's still battling issues."

"She told you that?"

Bethany looked nervous, shaking her head. "No, I uh—well, it's part of my job to know things about our employees. I looked into her accounts."

"Beth," Steve reprimanded.

"What?" She asked innocently. "Was it an invasion of privacy? Yes. But I'm not going to use it against her. I'm gonna use it to help her. It's not like I looked into the notes her doctor had. Well, not all of them. Not really."

"Bethany Stark," Steve said under his breath.

"Rogers," She reminded him, kicking his stomach softly. He looked at her small, playful smile and knew he couldn't stay mad at her for long. "Do you think Sam will ask her out? I mean, has he said anything?"
"Has she?" Steve returned, wanting to know what she'd say before he answered.

Bethany shrugged, the water moving in waves around her. "She said he makes her happy and that his friendship and support is important to her right now. I mean, I don't think she's ready for a boyfriend when she's still mentally and emotionally unstable, but I've been both those things my entire life. Sometimes having someone there for you is what helps create a balance."

Steve nodded slowly, understanding what she meant. Bethany and Steve were often opposites and helped keep the other balanced. If one of them was being negative, the other took it upon themselves to be positive. Usually they found an equal ground that they could live on. Their entire relationship was built on compromises.

"He may have mentioned that he thinks she's attractive," Steve informed her. "But I think he knows what you know. She's not ready. So even if he was thinking about it-"

"He wouldn't until he knew she was ready," Bethany finished. They waded in the water for a little bit longer before Bethany re-started the conversation. "You know, I think they could have made it work. Bucky and Kiley, I mean."

"Yeah?"

She nodded, running a hand through her wet hair. "The old Bucky. Kiley isn't simple-minded, but she is the type of woman to be caught by someone's charms. But she'd also be the first to tell him when he's stepped out of line. She's the Steve and he's the me."

"Pardon?" Steve asked, chuckling. He reached out for her arm, pulling her gently through the water into his arms.

"Well, would you say that I'm more like Kiley is or Bucky was? Confident, savvy, smart,

and for lack of a better word, extremely cocky?"

Steve realized that she was right. Bethany and Bucky could never work together because they were too much of the same person. They would have constantly fought for the power in the relationship. It wasn't like Bethany had all the power in their relationship. Steve definitely had pull and an opinion when it came to things. But in the beginning, Bethany initiated everything. Steve didn't have the courage to do so. He could burst into buildings filled with Nazis and HYDRA soldiers alike with just his shield, but he couldn't bring himself to kiss her in public unless she did it first. She had pulled him out of his shell, slowly but surely. Now, he was an equal power house in the Bethany-Steve dynamic, but it was only because they had that difference in the beginning that they made it this far.

"Do you think they could still have a chance?" Steve asked quietly. "Sam's my friend too, but Bucky…"

"I don't know," Bethany admitted when she realized Steve wasn't going to say anything else. "I guess that depends on them. On whether he gets better and whether she gets better. On whether they find a way to live through their demons separately and together. But for now, if Sam makes Kiley happy, we shouldn't do anything to destroy that."

"Yeah, I know," Steve said quietly. They floated in the water for a few more minutes before Bethany let out a long yawn, signaling it was time for bed.


**A/N: A lot of things has changed since my initial outline of this story. Jen's sexuality has been the same since I first thought about Sorry Ever After. It's awesome to actually fulfill that, three stories later.

Thanks to all the reviews! I love them, even if I don't reply to all of them. They keep me going!

pulchritudo in omnia: I've been wanting to go to Nashville for YEARS so I thought that if the girls went, then I would be to in a weird way. There will be some Jamie/Wanda interaction in the next chapter and I think everyone will enjoy it! If there's one thing that Bethany hasn't lacked since her parents died, it's her confidence. She is a stark after all. But while she has her confidence, she also, like Howard and Tony, has her extremely vulnerable side, which we have seen time and time again. I want people to understand that being a mom doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your confidence and your ability to be proud of yourself and sexual prowess.

anonymouscsifan: I hadn't even originally planned on Natasha doing that, but as I was picturing the girls dancing, it just happened and I knew that somewhere along the line, Natasha would throw a guy over a table or something. It seems 100% in character to me. Writing has been my escape the past three years, so I'll never really stop it, that I know for sure, but it's definitely becoming a little bit of a 'oh, I'll just do that tomorrow' and I never do until I'm forced to.