He'd briefly considered that, given the circumstances, he could go back and buy the red coat instead of being stuck with the blue one. But... more people than just Papyrus could notice if he acted strange. Although he sometimes thought that that ship must have already sailed, a thought that was extremely uncomfortable, he still couldn't risk it. Oh, well, the blue was fine. Blue wasn't going to kill him.
His other self put up with it well enough, even if it was kind of bland to dress in blue and to also be a blue magic user. It was fine.
However, because it was away from other people's eyes, Sans was considering making changes to his room. For one thing, he had plans to haul out that dumb treadmill- someone was going to end up tripping on that thing, right in the middle of the floor like that. Then maybe repaint the walls and change up the floor, make it something that he had wanted. Something his old Papyrus didn't allow.
Papyrus might not be too crazy about the idea at this stage, but Sans was willing to bring it up- especially since he already ordered the paint he was going to need. That day, as soon as he was done picking up all of the cans and moving them to his room with a little cheating, his intention was to head back home and tell his new brother of his plans.
Naturally he spent a couple hours not doing that, then. It was much more fun to explore the town. Scare little dogs. Do some of the work that the other Sans apparently did in his free time, or swindle people out of their cash- the latter was more his style. He almost ran into this world's Undyne during his excursion. That narrow encounter, which he almost used a shortcut over, was what finally drove him back to his house for the day. No matter the world, Undyne was more trouble than she was worth. If she found out that he was a fake...
When he walked in the door, he thought he heard Papyrus talking to somebody. It wasn't in a hushed voice, for he sincerely doubted that any version of his brother knew how to be quiet, but it was a little more strained sounding than usual, and that set him on edge. Stepping closer in, he could see that Papyrus was talking in the kitchen, specifically- his hand to his skull.
"NO! IN FACT I'VE NEVER SEEN THEM ACT LIKE THAT BEFORE IN MY LIFE. BUT IF THEY'RE ANYTHING ALIKE, THEY MIGHT BE A LITTLE HAPPIER IF YOU GAVE THEM A GOOD PUZZLE TO WORK ON! HUMANS LOVE PUZZLES!" he said, not yet noticing that anyone else had entered the house.
Now Sans relaxed, at least a little; just chatting on the phone, eh? He'd wait until he was done. His not-throat was burning, though, so he entered the kitchen anyway to silently take another carton of orange juice out of the fridge.
Papyrus' eyes almost bugged out of his skull to see him, and Sans grinned, but he kept going, "NO I THINK A PUZZLE SHOULD BE LESS... UM... I COULD GIVE YOU SOME OF MY DIAGRAMS? ...OF COURSE IT IS! IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO..." his voice trailed, and he continued to glance at Sans. "WELL THAT'S JUST WEIRD."
Sans gulped juice and stared, swishing it in his skull.
"LOOK IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE MY ADVICE I'M JUST GOING TO HANG UP. ... YES I WILL! I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER. GOODBYE." Frowning, as much as possible for Papyrus anyway, he switched the phone off.
Then there was an awkward silence, one Sans had been hoping to avoid, but they kept stumbling into them. It wasn't as though he didn't know why they kept stumbling into them; despite his new brother's proclamations, it had to be impossible to stop thinking about what he actually was. The sooner he got used to the idea that he was staying, the better, right? And eventually he had to. His own brother would.
No one was talking, Papyrus just having the phone clasped tightly between his gloved hands. Sans paused and ventured, "who was that?" Taking another gulp of juice.
"OH! ER, JUST LADY TORIEL. YES THAT'S IT." Sans raised an eyebrow ridge, and he added, "THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT FRISK."
Sans tilted his head, "huh. she upset?"
"UH. NO. NO, SHE-" his speech cut off mid-sentence, and he put his free hand to his jawline. "ACTUALLY, I FORGOT TO ASK YOU BEFORE!"
He took a step back, eyeing Papyrus suspiciously. "ask me what?"
"HOW YOUR DATE WENT WITH TORIEL!" As a skeleton he couldn't get any paler, but it sure felt like he blanched. Papyrus didn't notice, bless his idiotic soul. "DID YOU FOLLOW ALL THE INSTRUCTIONS IN THE BOOK? DID SHE WEAR NEW CLOTHES TOO? TELL ME ABOUT IT!"
"uh, uh, actually," the smaller skeleton scratched his skull, backing away again. "i didn't get around to asking her date me."
"WHAT?!" Sans flinched. "WHY NOT? ISN'T THAT WHY YOU WENT OVER THERE? ISN'T THAT WHY YOU'RE WEARING YOUR SPECIAL CLOTHES EVEN NOW?"
Actually it was because he liked it too much to take it off. "this isn't really your business," he grumbled, looking at the tiles of the floor. "i don't know. errrrm the kid was there and i kinda lost my nerve."
"OH NO." Papyrus' nearly agonized expression almost made him laugh, but he couldn't help getting anxious, wondering why he cared. "THEN, UH... OH!" He snapped his fingers. "YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO HER HOUSE! RIGHT NOW!" A bead of sweat appeared on his skull, and Sans smirked. "LIKE IMMEDIATELY? AND GO ASK HER OUT?"
"immediately, huh?"
"YES! AFTER ALL, TRUE LOVE IS THE BEST WAY TO REFORM SOMEONE LIKE YOURSELF INTO A MODEL CITIZEN. LIKE IN THE MOVIES!"
What a concept; Sans snorted, and then shook his head. "there's a problem with that. if i couldn't work up the nerve last time, what makes you think i can this time?"
"YOU JUST HAVE TO BE MORE LIKE ME!" He said, and Sans rolled his eyes. But he continued, "IT'S EASY! JUST BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN GO DOWN THERE AND ASK HER ON A DATE AND DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT FEAR OF REJECTION. SO!"
Sans squinted. "so?"
"SO, YOU SHOULD GO DOWN THERE AND ASK LADY TORIEL OUT RIGHT NOW BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE! AND... ERM..." suddenly it clicked, watching Papyrus fumble for words. "...NOT COME BACK UNTIL A LONG TIME HAS PASSED."
He chuckled dryly. "look, boss," he said with a lazy smile. "i can see you're trying really hard here, but i also know you're just trying to get me out of the house again."
To his credit Papyrus didn't miss a beat, "THAT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T THINK IT'S TRUE! I'M ALWAYS TELLING MY OWN SANS THAT YOU HAVE TO GIVE SOMETHING 200% IN ORDER TO GET WHAT YOU WANT! IF YOU'VE ONLY GIVEN IT 50%, OF COURSE IT'S TOO EARLY TO THROW IN THE TOWEL! YOU CAN DO THIS, I KNOW YOU CAN!"
Damn it, the carton was empty. "... you really think it'd go well?"
Th fact that his not-brother was even considering it seemed to re-encourage the more boisterous skeleton, and his declaration made Sans flinch again. "OF COURSE I DO! NOW HURRY UP!"
"jesus, you're optimistic." Sans grumbled.
But Papyrus just folded his arms, face puzzled. "... DO YOU NOT LIKE TORIEL?"
Sans' heartbeat flickered and he sneered at nobody in particular. Then his sneer faded, becoming a bit of a grimace, and his eye turned red. The red faded. His eyesockets narrowed and he pulled a painful grimace. Papyrus had never seen his Sans go through such a rapid range of expressions.
Sans turned around, and Papyrus smiled in triumph. "...welp, i'm headin' out. later dude."
With him gone, Papyrus returned to his conversation on the phone. Luckily for him, Sans left too fast to hear who it was with.
Strangely, Frisk didn't answer the door again when he came knocking. At first, he thought with an inner chuckle that they might be avoiding a repeat of a few days ago and another terrible joke.
"They went to go play with Leo," Toriel told him when he asked. "But I do hope you will consider staying with me a while, all the same?"
It was again a little bit difficult for him to resist saying no, not through any fault of her own. It wasn't even based on anything that actually- no, it might've happened, but it wasn't based on anything he remembered personally. But this kind of instinctual suspicion, this uneasiness, was what kept people alive in his world. He did his best to ignore it. "sure, i'm always up for a visit. ...plus," he mused, looking at the walls around him, "you look pretty blue today."
Toriel giggled, sitting down at the kitchen table. "Thank you, Sans, I appreciate the company."
He smiled, in earnest, "no problem, tori."
So far, so good.
She offered him a plate of blueberry pie that she had made that morning, and despite not being one for desserts he accepted the offer. She sat beside him when dishing out a plate for them both, and he dipped a claw in some of the dark filling that was spilling out from under the crust while trying to think of how he was going to word his proposal to her.
don't call it a proposal oh my god. That was going to make him even more nervous, thinking of it like that. But suddenly the fear was the same level, wondering if she was going to say no or something terrible like that. Or maybe Frisk told her like they told Papyrus. Although, she was talking to him too placidly right now for that to be true, in his opinion.
Still, maybe it would be better to wait... Until he knew his way around the relationship better. The things that the kid told him at the start kept coming back to him. Sans sighed soundlessly with the decision, the fear of rejection leaving in the motion. He was going to have to go back to his new Papyrus and tell him that he hadn't given it 200% or even 100%, and that he definitely wanted to repaint his new room.
Something else occurred to him while Toriel talked, though.
what if this is the only chance i'll ever have to ask her out and i can't do it?
Just as quickly he rejected the thought.
After all, he destroyed his machine pretty thoroughly.
...But even if that was true, it didn't mean that he was safe where he was. It didn't mean that everything was going to be fine now.
He knew that the machine in this world couldn't work, but he also hadn't been able to even get into the shed, not even to check in on his old home. Undoubtedly calls from his brother had been building up all of this time, because the other him was apparently even worse than he was at pretending to be someone that he wasn't, and it was only lucky for him that there were a lot less people to miss him over there then there were here. Lucky was a weird way of phrasing it, though.
Papyrus was far too stupid to know how to reconstruct the machine to the specifications that he built it, so it wasn't like he was going to show up out of nowhere to beat him literally within an inch of his life. That is, he wouldn't be able to do it without help, but...
"...but Frisk was such a dear yesterday," Toriel said, and Sans' gaze snapped back over at her. "They asked me how I was feeling and we had a nice conversation over lunch. They don't usually take such an interest, they are always so preoccupied by their duties and games."
"that so?" Sans smirked, picking at some of the pie on his plate. He noticed that this version of the kid was a lot less of a little stinker; he didn't really expect them to change their behavior, so this came as a surprise. As he remembered it, the kid in his world would get upset and stay quiet the way they sometimes did. He wondered how they are getting along with his other self, if they were getting along at all. A bit of his breath caught in his not-lungs. Anything further he was going to say in commentary disappeared.
But for now, Toriel did not seem to mind. She ate up her slice with a carefree smile. "I do not mind telling you that I have been a bit tense. I think things are going to be better now, though. Some of the parents of our monster children have been calling in and saying that their little ones are feeling a little better. It really helped me for you to take Frisk off my hands for a while the other day; I got all the grading done and I have many more worksheets prepared for them all."
"oh," Sans cleared his throat, glancing away nervously. "i'm glad, 's always grade to have a break."
She giggled again, having to clamp her hands over her mouth to muffle the noise, and his chest felt ten times lighter. She was so cute, even if he'd really only seen a couple of her moods. The Toriel in his world was, even if understandably, much less expressive. Her switch was usually between quiet and out of control, but this one had... well, Sans imagined she had several switches.
And then she said, "Now Sans, don't be a little sheet," and then he was laughing uproariously too. It was great.
It didn't last.
Because it's not going to last, he thought. It was a thought that accompanied another hitch in his breath, cutting his laughter off at its end.
This time he couldn't shake it. While Toriel was finishing off her crust his breath hitched for a second time. What if the machine does get repaired? What if he's found out here, by more and more people, and they get the machine working here? Papyrus and Frisk, in this world, they knew who he really was. Papyrus and Frisk, in his world, knew who the other Sans was as well- at least, he would be very disappointed in the pipsqueak if he found out they hadn't guessed the truth, as clever as they've been for such a small human. That made four people- five, counting his other self.
The number can grow.
Suppose that this Toriel, with such a friendly disposition, were to learn the truth? As much as he'd learned from this Frisk, how could he completely imitate the friend she had gotten to know for so long? Did he even put Alphys' goop on recently enough? What if his face changes back?
Sans couldn't breathe, and his eyes itched. i'm gonna end back up in snowdin the boss was going to smack the hell out of him for leaving, shout at him in his grating voice, put him through so much backlogged sentry duty, and it will all be just like how it was before.
"Sans, are you feeling alright?"
like a reset.
He struggled for air and it came out in a huge, painful gasp.
they're gonna reset
That gasp became another one, his breath rasping through his teeth. Toriel's shocked face spurred him to move, to stand and back off from the table, and yet the only thing that accomplished was to make him feel dizzy. He couldn't even release the air he'd taken in until several seconds too long. Those old feelings were coming back, coming back at the worst time.
Why was this happening now? Why right now? Magic was rising and gathering in his body, rushing to his head. Toriel had also moved, standing from her seat. "Sans?" No, no, no, she couldn't see his eye flare up. Sans wheezed and his hands scrabbled for a place on his jacket.
Chest too tight. Can't stop thinking about it. it's all going to disappear in some way or another. He couldn't even just get it over with.
Can't breathe.
"Shh, shh."
Sans almost screamed when Toriel rushed to him, faster than he expected- without any air, it just came out as a sharp croaking noise. But along with the scream, he also tried to move, to push her away, and that caused even more stabs of fear at the thought of his sharp claws digging into her face just like-
"Sans, Sans, look at me," she said, though, and one large warm hand gently held him still. He thought his red eye might have flared for only a moment, but he couldn't tell if she was shocked at that or at everything about this. She was suspicious, she was she knew. She knew he wasn't- "Sans?"
He wheezed.
"Look at me, it's okay," she said to him, her face right before his. "It's alright, you're safe here. You're doing very well. Take some deep breaths, as slow as you can. Do you need something? Any medicine, or something you might normally use?"
"no-" he said, the whites of his eyes turned to pinpricks. Normally use? He usually calmed down by laughing at somebody. If that.
Kneeling down to his level, her other arm rubbed his back while she held his hand, her voice going on, "Shh, shh, Sans, you're alright, you're going to be alright. No one's going to hurt you here. You are not in danger. Breathe in and out like this, okay?"
Snowballing thoughts threatened to keep cutting off his air. San shuddered and choked but fixated on that voice, on her warm hands and her face, and her slow deliberate breathing. He struggled once, and his magic nearly flared too, but gradually over the minutes he stood there it faded. His wheezing grew quieter, turning to whimpers that moved through his warped and strained smile.
He didn't feel any better. For one thing, his not-gut turned with shame at having such a display in front of her, of all people. It was even worse than when he did it in front of this world's Papyrus, if that was even possible. Why, why was this happening in such a peaceful world? All of these people were so nice...
Even if he still felt like crap, though, the wheezing had slowed and stopped and his body stopped shuddering; he could breathe again. "hhah..." he didn't want to look at her, but there was little else to look at. "hhyou... i'm sorry..."
"No, no," she said, giving his head an affectionate rub. Sans stiffened again, wondering why his face felt so tingly all of a sudden. "You have nothing to apologize for, you are doing well. Do you want something?"
Really, Sans felt slightly numb. Like he couldn't quite put himself back in this room. "uh."
Toriel kept her patient smile, standing, "Maybe I can make you a warm drink to calm you down? And I can get something for you to breathe into if it will help. But you are doing a good job."
She seemed so on top of this, at least when it came to suggestions. "Uh... drink...?" Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out- like her own breathing. fuck, did this kind of thing happen a lot with my other self? He seemed pretty laid-back to him. No, no, this was new to her. Her reactions made that evident. She didn't know what he needed. "i, uh... you do this a lot?"
"Oh, well," Toriel fished for a clean cup in the dish drainer, "I'm sure that they would not want me to talk about this to just anyone, but, Frisk often has moments like this."
Again Sans' breath hitched, and when she turned back to look at him he struggled to unhitch it. "r-really? the kid does?"
She filled the mug with water and selected a bag of cocoa mix. "Yes, yes, occasionally. Mostly at night." She made some kind of noise, and not facing her Sans wasn't entirely sure if it was a sigh or something else. "Sometimes they will call me in because something has unsettled them in the dark, or they've had a nightmare."
He couldn't help but scoff, a motion which panicked him again and turned into a faint nervous laugh. "oh, nightmares." Nightmares were things that all children dealt with. It wasn't exactly comparable.
But even so, Toriel had a more somber expression as she set down the mug of steaming hot chocolate on a table. "In a sense. Although I would hesitate to call them just that. ...They are vivid." She spared him a look, and Sans hesitated before walking to the table and taking the mug in his hands. His breathing still seemed shaky. "They often awaken unable to distinguish their room from their dream, and even when they can they insist I stay with them all night. It terrifies them. They end up, well..." She crossed a hand in front of her muzzle, eyes narrowing as she looked elsewhen. "Wheezing, much like you."
Sans sipped and his teeth felt warm. "...what kind of dreams?"
"It is a recent occurrence. ...But, it is... often to do with their time underground," Toriel said at last, frowning. "... I am not surprised. A child can only go through so much without it being... etched with them."
And suddenly he felt cold in the pit of his stomach. oh. those kinds of dreams. Frisk looked just fine every time he saw them. Except for, of course, the times when he was scaring the crap out of them. "ah fuck," he said, the words slipping out.
Looking enviously, suddenly, at his cup of cocoa Toriel sighed, "It is alright, Sans. These kinds of things are not anyone's fault. ...There are some choice individuals I will not be sending holiday cards to," she mused, voice suddenly turning icy, and Sans sat straight at attention with a little choked cough. Alarmed, the boss monster smiled gently at him, "But you will get a nice card come that time of year."
"ah, geeze. i just didn't know," he mumbled into the cup.
"Well as I said, it is a recent occurrence." She rested her head on her hand, watching him thoughtfully. "I am quite proud of them, you know?"
Sans took another sip. holy fuck this is sweet, he thought, as he resisted gagging. He was out of mustard. "frisk?"
"Yes," she nodded sleepily. "Even facing these dreams, even becoming so... uneasy... about some of the monsters here, they try to reach out and live normally. Many of the monsters they see in their dreams... are also their friends."
If this world really modeled after his own, then yes. Some of the people they hung around with had to have opposed the human at some point. Undyne, Asgore, random monsters, even Papyrus. But, even so, in this world, weren't they...?
His own Frisk popped up in Sans' head, as they had been doing as of late. If anyone was going to get nightmares it should be them; he had seen the tallies they kept, watched their moods get dark so often and for such unbearably simple reasons. And yet, their sleep always looked peaceful to him whenever he was able to get a glimpse of it. It might just be a difference in environment. But then, in a world that looked so easy to his eyes...
Why did this Frisk have nightmares? He didn't understand.
Even if it was too sweet, he kept drinking the hot chocolate. "... probably easy with you as their mom."
This made her laugh, a little more than he had expected. In fact, he was even suspicious; a few seconds longer than she should have, Toriel said, "That may be it. Either way, I think that they must be a very strong child. They will not let the things that frighten them control them."
Sans gulped.
"Hmm?"
Now he thought of Papyrus again, his own, and tried to keep his breathing steady. That damn phone was still in his other clothes. Slowly, Sans closed his eyesockets, only to open them again in the next moment, grimacing. Fear was not easy. Fear made him choke. Not just him, either, but somehow he never figured that to be so significant before. "...i think i gotta go."
"Oh- right now?" Her expression turned startled, and perhaps a little speculative. Did she think it was her fault? But it wasn't anything she said. She was great, as usual. "Are you sure?"
"yeah. i need to go make a phone call," Sans murmured, scratching the side of his face- it felt a bit tingly again. "i'll... see you later, tori." And with that, he stood and prepared to walk out.
"Wait, Sans," his not-heart thudded as she grabbed him by the sleeve, stopping him in his tracks. More quietly, then, he heard her say, "Knowing you as I do, perhaps you would rather not discuss it, but... if there is something causing you bother..."
i can't. Sans stiffened, the answer already in his head before she'd finished.
"...Please know that you can always talk to me."
He smiled big at her, and hoped his fangs weren't showing. "i do. 'bye."
And with his destination in mind Sans left, the cup of cocoa on the table half-empty and his slice of blueberry pie pretty much uneaten.
Author's Note: We're all getting close to something.
Also for those curious Toriel literally googled "How to calm down someone with a panic attack" when Frisk had their first nightmarish episode, she's never really had to deal with it before.
Next Chapter: Sans Can't Hear the Foreboding Music but It's There
