Chapter 5 – No winnable war

A/N – The idea of this chapter was the seed of this whole story, but in the end, I feel like I didn't quite nail it. You get the idea though, and hopefully you'll stick with the story even after reading this chapter.

"There's no such thing as a winnable war

It's a lie we don't believe anymore

Mr. Reagan says we will protect you

I don't subscribe to this point of view

Believe me when I say to you

I hope the Russians love their children too"

Russians - Sting

Peeta POV
It's great being out of 13, and even better bring back home. Even though my family didn't make it out, I still dream of making a life and my own family here in 12. It's more than nostalgia that draws me back here, but a firm rootedness that helps me feel more stable, more confident, and more hopeful. My flashbacks of the Capitol are recurring, but there's no getting around those, and I can't think of any place I'd rather recover and create new memories. Granted there's been a lot of destruction, but people are pooling resources and working together to restart their lives. Many of the merchants must feel the same, it seems like a lot of them returned. I think hard work and hope sill get us far.

Of course one of the things I like best, is that Katniss is here. She's still struggling with the end of the war and Prim's death, and though she won't admit it out loud, she's devastated at the virtual loss of both her mother and Gale. Every day or two I check in on her or she checks on me. Today I'm eager to confide in her that I want to start up a baking business.

"I'm trying to figure out how to get started. Can I just start baking and selling? Like from my house?" I admit, I have no idea where to start. I didn't inherit much of my mother's business sense.
"Well, you could." She says considering it, "Your family's bakery had a good reputation with folks that lived here before, but maybe you want to be more in front of people."
"Yeah, it'll be a while before I can afford to buy or even rent a building, even with the new revitalization programs. I thought about selling from a cart, which would work for the warmer seasons, but it sounds miserable in the rain and the cold. Can you even imagine me out there selling in the winter?"
"No definitely not." She says, a little too definitively, but then she adds, "Have you heard of the Hob?"
"Uh, yeah, I've heard of it - well before, but don't know anything about it. Do you?"
"Actually, that was a huge part of my life and livelihood before... before the first games."
"Really? You're kidding! Wasn't it dangerous there?"
"Ha! No, we were there at least four times a week - buying or selling, or just hanging out." I wonder who 'we' refers to, I'm pretty sure I know and decide not to dwell on it.
"Oh, I thought it was all black market stuff."
"No! No,", she laughs, "So maybe not all of it was totally above board, but they sold all sorts of provisions. Things we needed - oil, wire, used goods, salt, food. You could barter there with game, herbs, berries sometimes... whatever really. Most town merchants needed payment in coins, they weren't like your Dad. Even if we wanted to get something from a merchant in town, we needed to exchange at the Hob first to get coins."
She's got a faint smile on her lips as she gets a little lost in the memory, the she continues, "They're building a new one now with stalls and everything. Flint's working to make it a real marketplace. I don't think it's that pricey to get a stall there. If you're interested I can find out for you."
"Would you? That would be great! I'm still figuring out what I'll make and sell. Since it'll just be me baking and doing it out of the kitchen, it'll just be a few things. What do you think? Loaves of bread for sure, then what else?"

She strategizes "Maybe you can do a few standard types of bread then do something special each day of the week - like cookies on Monday cheese buns on Tuesday. That would introduce some variety."

"That's a great idea! Then it's not so overwhelming to bake different things." I'm feeling pleased with the progress of these plans.

I go out on a limb, "Any chance you'd want to help me?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure you want me baking." She jests with a small smile, "I guess I need to keep busy too. Maybe a day or two I can help sell stuff. "

"I would love that! I really would." I react on instinct, so before I even know what I'm doing I'm leaning in to kiss her. It's warm and gentle, just like I've been thinking of. Afterwards, she tips her head down so I kiss her forehead, and then she whispers "I'm not up for that quite yet."

I answer, "Okay, whenever you're ready." And I mean it, I'll give her as long as it takes.

XXX
Katniss POV
I replay the kiss with Peeta in my mind. It was nice, comforting even and I know I do care for him deeply. Somehow, I feel like there's just not quite of me yet, to be able to share with someone else. I can see with time, our friendship could grow to be more. He's kind, patient, funny and caring, maybe we could even be a 'happy ever after'. Wouldn't that be ironic given the whole star-crossed lovers charade? But right now I recognize I still need to work on finding or repairing myself.

When I'm ready I return to look at our things from 13. There's another notebook below the Algebra one, this one a blue one labeled Language Arts. She's decorated it with fanciful doodles, I wonder if that was at the expense of paying attention in class, like I used to do.

This notebook has dividers, marking out 4 sections of the notebook. It looks like each section is for one assignment with multiple drafts. I glance at the typed assignment sheets: the first is a literature review, the second is an essay; the third a play and the last is a parody. I'm drawn to the work on the essay. The topic is the four ancient virtues: justice, wisdom, courage, and temperance. Scribbled on the assignment sheet is a note from Prim followed by Gale's block print response.

G-
Help! What do I know about these things? Nothing!
Ugh! Where do I start?
-LD

P-
IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, YOU HAD PLENTY TO SAY ON THESE TOPICS WHEN WE WATCHED KAT IN THE GAMES. FOR BETTER OR WORSE MY "RANTING" MAY HAVE BEEN CONTAGIOUS. WE JUST USED DIFFERENT WORDS: WHAT IS FAIRNESS AND WHAT IS UNJUST, BRAVERY AND COWARDICE, KNOWLEDGE VS WISDOM/ACTING ON THAT KNOWLEGE AND SELF-CONTROL (TEMPERENCE) AMONG OTHER THINGS.

IT MIGHT BE EASIER TO THINK OF EXAMPLES IN YOUR LIFE AS A STARTING POINT. WHICH VIRTUE(S) ARE HARD FOR YOU? WHICH ONES ARE EASIER? IS THERE ONE THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT? I'VE GOT TRAINING NOW, BUT IF YOU ARE ABLE TO PUT SOME IDEAS DOWN ON PAPER I CAN READ THRU IT AND RESPOND LATER TONIGHT OR TOMORROW.
-G

On the first version Prim mostly has notes and some draft sentences down where she knows what she wants to say. Unsurprisingly, the last page is a note with Gales' comments below.

Notes include:
Fairness/Justice - Life isn't fair. How was it that District life was so hard, but only the Capitol seemed to benefit from our miners' labors? Why did Districts have to have their children reaped, when it's been so long that they didn't have anything to do with the first rebellion? The Capitol's injustices fueled the fire for the current rebellion. Out of the virtues, this one might be the easiest for me. It's the way Dad, Mom, and Katniss (and you too!) raised me.

They've structured life in 13 more fair. It's no picnic down here, but at least I feel like you know what to expect and it's expected of most folks equally. Maybe you and Kat are different, they seem to expect lots from you guys in particular. Can you have freedom without being fair and just?

YOU'VE BEEN WITNESS TO LOTS OF EXAMPLES OF INJUSTICE IN 12. MAKE SURE TO TALK ABOUT 1 OR 2 OF THEM SPECIFICALLY. GOOD QUESTION ON FREEDOM, I NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT. IN EXCHANGE, SOME FOOD FOR THOUGHT - DOES FAIR ALWAYS MEAN EQUAL?

Bravery/Cowardice - the ability to confront fear, uncertainty, and intimidation. This might be the hardest virtue for me. Katniss is the bravest person I know, but what example to use? DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT, SHORTIE :) YOU ARE PLENTY BRAVE. IT RUNS IN YOUR FAMILY. OF COURSE, K IS IN A CLASS BY HERSELF HERE, WE KNOW THAT, BUT FACING SOME OF INJURIES YOU'VE HELPED YOU MOM AND THE MEDICAL STAFF HERE OUT WITH, THAT'S SOMETHING SHE (NOR PROBABLY I) COULD REALLY STEP UP TO. STANDING UP FOR SOMETHING DESPITE FEAR IS BRAVERY. JUST LAST WEEK YOU STOOD UP TO YOUR MOM WHEN YOU TOLD HER SHE WAS TOO TIRED TO TAKE THAT SECOND SHIFT. THAT TOOK GUTS – YOU KNEW SHE'D GET MAD, BUT YOU TOLD HER ANYWAY.

Knowledge of healing/wisdom- knowing all the facts about different herbs, poultices and how to apply them isn't everything to help a patient recover. The wisdom can come in the form of bedside manner, and being able to deliver news in a way that a patient understands its severity, but still has hope for recovery. There were a few townsfolk that came to see mom, because they said that even if Dr. Miller had all of that schooling, he wasn't very good with his patients. BINGO, THIS ONE IS GOOD, GO WITH IT.

I'M GOOD AT MAKING SNARES AND TRAPS - MAYBE TOO GOOD. NOTE: HUMILITY IS NOT ONE OF THESE VIRTUES :) I DESIGNED WHAT I THOUGHT WAS A PRETTY CLEVER LETHAL WEAPON WITH BEETEE, BUT MY CONSCIENCE (AKA KATNISS) WAS THERE TO POINT OUT HOW IT PREYED ON HUMAN NATURE. IT'S AMAZING HOW EASY IT IS TO STEP OVER THE LINE WHEN YOU'RE SO FOCUSED ON THE END GAME. I REALIZE THAT WISDOM ISN'T JUST THE KNOWLEDGE OF SOMETHING, BUT ALSO THE FORESIGHT OF WHEN USING THE KNOWLEDGE OR TAKING ACTION ON IT IS ACCEPTABLE.

Temperance/Self Control - Like doing your homework before going out to play. What else, this seems like a lame example - do you have one, even just to give me an idea?
YOU MAY HAVE GUESSED, THIS ONE IS THE CHALLENGE FOR ME - IT'S GOOD YOUR SISTER KEEPS ME IN CHECK. THIS SEEMS TO COME UP A LOT NOW THAT WE'RE IN A WAR. WHEN I FIRST THOUGHT ABOUT THE REBELLION, IT WAS ALL ABOUT FAIRNESS AND JUSTICE TO ME. THE DISTRICTS WOULD FIGHT TO HAVE MORE RIGHTS. FIGHTING THE CAPITOL WITH WHATEVER TACTICS WOULD BE FINE IF WE WON. IN MY MIND THE ENDS JUSTIFIED THE MEANS. BUT K ALWAYS REMINDS ME THAT WE'RE FIGHTING OTHER PEOPLE. MANY IN THE CAPITOL-ALLIED DISTRICTS HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED BY THE CAPITOL. BUT THEY'RE PEOPLE TOO - WITH MOTHERS, BROTHERS, SPOUSES, ETC.

Reading this exchange I'm reminded that even though Gale created that bomb, he tabled the plans for the weapon. Here he was still helping Prim, while I was dealing with my own demons. After all Snow and Coin cost me, will they succeed in taking my best friend from me still?

I'm torn though. Isn't he the one that left without a word? Without turning back? I feel my blood pressure rise as I think about how he made that bomb, killed my sister and then left me to pick up the shattered pieces of myself. But there's another quiet voice inside my head, it sounds like Prim even, in a calm tone it tries to tell me what I already know. "He never intended for that bomb to be used. He loved Prim like his own family."
The other voice retorts, "He selfishly left because he didn't want to face me."
Prim reminds me, "He didn't want to face you because he thought it would be more painful for you not for him."

Xxx
My urge to connect with him lasts all day. Finally in the evening I give in to it. I pick up the phone and dial the number for Gale that Rory left me. I don't know which is in a tighter knot, my heart or my stomach. It rings a couple of times before he picks up.

He answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hey"

"Katniss", he says in a revered whisper again – he can't believe I called again.

"Yeah, it's me"

I think I hear him swallow. "How are you holding up?"

"Surviving, I guess, if you can call it that... " I'm not to keen on getting into the details of my bleak existence, which he seems to understand when I ask "What about you? You know, your family actually didn't tell me much about what you're doing."

"It's really not that exciting."

"Oh. Did Sae say she saw you on television?"

"Oh that. That was a brief stint. They weren't too interested in my opinion, they just wanted a face from the rebellion to help smooth things over. But I think more needs to be done to repair things especially with the Districts that allied with the Capital. I think things were more complex than they just did whatever the Capital said. I have a hard time believing that they are content to just lay down arms because the Snow or Coin are done."

"Is that how you ended up in 2?"

He hesitates before he answers "Yeah," like he was going to say something else, but decided against it. It makes me wonder what or maybe who is the real reason that he picked that District, of all of the places to go.

"So what are you doing now?"

"Do you remember Major Tela from when we were in District 2?"

"Yeah, of course, he's the older guy, balding, with the kind eyes, right?"

"That's him. He's in charge here now. I'm assigned to a squad under him. That guy's solid. Did you know that he's from 8? He was mentored by Paylor."

"Do you ever see her?
" I don't think she makes any special trips here, but when she's here she'll sometimes give us a pep talk."

"So what are you guys tasked with now that the rebellion is over?"

"Well, mostly clearing out and securing the Nut."

My stomache churns when I hear this, "How far have you gotten?"

"Well, so far it's been slow going, mostly moving debris and ensuring it's structurally stable. We haven't really reached the good stuff yet, but we're getting close... Why you wanna help?"

"No thanks, not really my skill set."

"I don't know about that. IT's not just brute labor but also trying to figure out if there's anywhere where bombs or traps could have been set. It's not all underground. We have some drawings of it that we review."

I'm reminded that it was a war on the Capitol's side as well.

"Ummm, not quite sold on it. What else are you doing?

"Okay, this one's kinda work related, kinda not...One of the things that I do like is that since the rebellion ended they've declassified tons of historical resources about life before Panem and even from other countries. Tela's been encouraging us to check it all out and learn about all sorts of ancient civilizations, pre-Panem stuff- read their stories and advancements, see their art even listen to their music. They want to learn from the mistakes from other cultures, some of it is fascinating!"

"Like what?" I wonder out loud.

"Hmm... I get a kick out of how each culture has its own stories to explain everything. Like how the earth was formed and where the stars, sun and moon came from or what they are. There's one moon legend that reminded me of you. Artemis or Diana, she's one of the ancient goddesses they worshipped."

I'm skeptical now, feeling a set up. But I take the bait, knowing there will be a punchline, "Oh yeah, why does she remind you of me?"

He snickers, "Well, I'm not sure if it's because she's the goddess of virgin maidens or if it's because she's the goddess of the hunt."

"Very funny, remind me I owe you a swift elbow to ribs."

He's still chuckling at his own lame joke, when he says "No really, her thing was archery. She's also the protector of the forest and hills. They have all of these artifacts that are thousands of years old with images of her. Maybe they'll have artifacts about you hundreds of years from now."

The thought makes me cringe. As a distraction I turn to look out the window as dusk starts to envelope the landscape. I see a sliver of crescent moon hanging against the darkening sky.

I respond, "Oh, I really hope not!" Anxious to change topics I fall back to the previous subject, "Speaking of the moon, it's a finger nail moon tonight."

I hear him rustling around, presumably making his way to a window. "Yeah, so it is," he says softly. I know he's thinking of his Dad ... or maybe he's remembering the end of that long, dusty day, with no haul when we spotted one from the top of the valley ridge and he confided in me the name his Dad had for that phase of the moon, "finger nail moon", I loved it. We hardly spoke of our fathers. I felt like he gave me that little morsel about his Dad as a consolation gift for a long day of hunting with no other reward.

There's something about looking up at the same moon as he is, even if he's hundreds of miles away that strengthens the connection. Maybe he feels it too.

We're quiet with our thoughts for a few moments before he breaks the silence, "I hate to cut this short, but I gotta be somewhere in a few minutes. Is there anything else? You okay?"

"Okay. Yeah, I'm okay."

"Really?"

"Really. I'm doin' okay," I insist.

He clears his throat, "I'm really glad you called me tonight." That's pretty much as close to a 'thank you' as Seam folk will give someone.

"Yeah, me too." We hang up. Despite all the stress and anxiety building up to that phone call, I have to admit I feel a little bit more calm and centered now. It's a small step, I concede, but I think it's forward motion, and I am glad for that.