Chapter 15 – Better than love

"Honey, when you doubt my love for you
Look into my eyes what I'm going through
Even if we change and fall out of
You hold my hand and its better than love"

Better than Love - Griffen House

Katniss' POV
He's taken me to the only logical place, the "top of the world". We've disembarked from the ILV and hiked out to our secluded perch with a vista. Gale continues his brooding, brow furrowed. His jaw clenches occasionally as he pokes and stabs at the ground with a stick. We're seated side by side on adjacent rocks facing out at the mountains darkening with the sunset. I gaze down along one spine of the mountain. The western face is beautifully flooded with the setting sun's golden light, shadows accentuating graceful edges of rock and foliage. While the eastern side may be its sunny mirror image at noon, now it is cloaked in darkness, gnarled trees leer over dark bottomless ravines, jagged rocks hide unknown dangers.

Gale may be all brawn now, but his real strength has always been his emotional fortitude. He's a master of controlling his emotions, especially with others, less so around me. We were always able to be our true selves with each other. Or at least that's how it used to be. I've given him some space, trying to enjoy the view, but after almost 20 minutes of this nonsense I'm fed up. Why'd he drag me up here if he was just going to be as silent and grumpy as he was back home?

Finally, I step right in front of him with my arms crossed and give him my look of "I've had enough of your bullshit."

"What!" he barks.

I roll my eyes to say 'Gimme a break, we both know what!'

He breaks eye contact with me and looks away, jaw clenched. I stand my ground, but Gale's got a stubborn streak to match mine. I've just about given up when he sighs and shuts his eyes tight before he spits out "I'm glad he's dead..."
"What?!"
"My Dad...I'm glad he's dead."

That's blasphemy in my book! My first instinct is to slap him, but I don't. The memory of our fathers' is sacred, whether or not we talk about them. My jaw is still slack in shock when he tries to explain.

"For five years pretty much every day I thought about him and wished he was here back with us. I'd think about how I'd measure up to his ideals. I'd imagine what he'd think of how I'd lived my life. I thought I'd done pretty good ... kept our family fed, no one else signing up for tesserae, wasn't sleeping around, kids were in line, I wasn't too strict, not boozin' much, I kept my promises... But now, when I think of him every day and I'm thankful he's not here. I'd never want him to know the dark things I've been capable of."

I am incredulous, "Gale... what are you talking about? The things during the rebellion?" He nods in response.

"It was a war for God's sakes! We might still be fighting and losing people everyday if it wasn't for you and some of the things you thought of and did! I know I didn't always agree with you, but you were fighting for your ideals and to keep your family safe."

"Well, that didn't all pan out like I'd hoped. You know, my family is more than just the Hawthornes."

My chest tightens as I grasp his meaning, but from my core I know his intentions were always for safer and better lives for our families. I tug lightly on his jaw so I can try and look him in the eye when I say "Yeah, I know, but that doesn't mean you weren't trying to do the right thing."

"But maybe going about in a really wrong way. It was so consuming, fighting the Capitol. I didn't realize how much of the enemy can be from inside of ourselves... myself."

"Gale, this whole rebellion was bigger than us." I take his face in both my hands now to look into his normally stormy eyes, now looking pained and wounded. "We were pieces in their game. Yeah, we all made some choices we regret, but I'm starting to think that we need to forgive each other and more importantly ourselves and figure out who we are in this new world." I hadn't fully thought that all through until I voiced it aloud, but I feel like it's the only way we can make any progress, as survivors of a war, and I mean that as individuals as well as families and districts.

"Do you really believe that?" he asks, searching my eyes for the truth.

"I need to believe it." I admit, still holding his gaze, willing him to forgive himself. His eyes are locked on mine desperately wanting to believe, but full of doubt.

In this instant, we're so intimate, our deepest fears and hopes revealed to each other. I feel so connected. Maybe I don't want to ruin this delicate balance we've forged anew, or perhaps it's like he said all that time ago, it's because he's in pain. At this moment I badly want to lean forward and kiss him, to complete the connection, but part of me holds back.

He nods, stands and he gives me a kiss, but it's on the forehead before he wraps me in an embrace. When we finally move apart he musses my hair with a woeful smile, and takes my hand as we walk back to the ILV.

Gale's POV
I don't think there's another soul on earth that I'd be able to admit those things to. Even if I opened up to Ma, she wouldn't, couldn't really understand. It's amazing to me that Katniss can talk about forgiving to me, with everything I've taken away from her.

The ride back down to town helps me to relax and gives me time to think about what she said. Cruising on the ILV is calming, though I admit Katniss's grip on my midsection is quite distracting. It's different when Danicey rides with me, for about a million reasons.

When we get back to the house Ma is putting Posy to bed. Vick's in his room reading or pretending to do homework, and Rory's still not back. Katniss and I settle into chairs in the family room. After a bit Ma pads down the stairs in her slippers, her face drawn and tired, eyes adjusting to the relative brightness of the lamp light. I rise to meet her as she gets to the bottom of the stairs. She stops and looks up into my eyes and brushes my cheek, no doubt looking for my Dad in me. Wordlessly we embrace each other tight. When we release each other I shift my gaze to Katniss who has quietly witnessed this all. Ma steps over to Katniss' chair and she hugs her too, conveying love and support, like only she can. I give them a little privacy and go to set a kettle of water on the stove for some herbal tea.

Ma makes it through half of her tea, when she gives in and heads to bed. Katniss says she'll wait up until Rory comes home, and I offer to keep her company. Ma makes her way up to bed, leaving Katniss and I to ourselves. I've almost forgotten how it feels to open up to someone, to Katniss, to share an emotional burden. After my confession up on the mountain, I find it easier to breathe. Not easy, but not as difficult as before.

I believe that being around us in District 2 has benefitted Katniss too. It's ironic, but I hope being around our crazy family has helped her sanity in some small way. She's quicker to smile than she was when she first got here. She's, I don't know, sturdier, has more substance. I doubt she'd think it was a compliment, but she seems less fragile now.

But I catch myself, because I don't deserve this, don't deserve her... even as a friend or best friend. I am aware of it this time, not like the first time back in 12 when my feelings took me by surprise. She's slipping under my skin, in a good way if I'd let her. Or if she'd want to be, for that matter.

I need to get my focus back on the mission... on Danicey. I hate to admit it, but it's probably good Katniss is heading back home in a couple of days.

Suddenly there's some fumbling and bumping around on the front porch. Katniss' eyes go wide with surprise, while mine go narrow with rage.
"That little piece of shit!" I growl.
"What?" Katniss still hasn't put it together.
"Rory - he's wasted... again!"
"Oh no!"
Only in an effort to curb the noise to not alarm my mom, I open the door. Normally, I'd just let him suffer trying to figure the simple lock out, but he's likely to wake the whole damn neighborhood. He all but falls through the door. Amazingly, he remains upright, if you can call it that, he's listing so far to one side.
"Thankth Gale" he says as he starts to giggle. Trust me, he won't be giggling when I'm through with him.
"Heeeey Katnith" he stumbles towards her and tries to hug her, capturing her neck in an awkward grasp. She's alarmed, but knows he means no harm, so she carefully distangles his arms from her and tries to lead him to a chair. Though it proves easier said than done.
"What the fuck Rory?!" It's taking everything in me right now to not yell. Katniss shoots me a deadly look that might as well have been launched from her bow. I try my best to reel in my anger, but it's a losing battle.
"Whaaadya meeaan?" He slurs at me, eyes not able to focus for more than a fraction of a second.
"What are you doing? You can't keep doing this. To yourself. To mom."
"Dohin' whaat? Hhhavin' fun? Fa-getting life? ... or death for a while..."

Katniss gets my attention with a pointed look, and with the slight shake of her head and furrowed eyebrows she questions me, 'What exactly is the point of talking to him now?'

I reassess. I hate to say it, she's right, no matter what I've got to say, he's in no condition to take any of it seriously. I'd just be venting, which might not be a bad idea, but it certainly isn't a good one. I roll my eyes at Katniss, and she knows she won, so she goes to fetch him a glass of water.
"Is there a bucket over there? He'll need more than that." I say when she returns.
"No there isn't, so you can get him the next glass." She says curtly to me, as she hands him the glass, and then tells him, "Bottoms up Big Guy."

After 3 glasses of water, he's still babbling, mostly incoherently, head on the table. We're conversing in hushed tones trying to sort this out.

At first she's quiet, but has her 'thinking' face on, meaning she's got lots to say, but doesn't know where to start. Eventually she decides just to start asking questions.
"So how much have you talked to him about this?"

"This?" I ask.

"Yeah, this," she gestures brusquely at Rory.
"Some."
"Some?"
"Yeah, some...okay, maybe not enough."
"Does Hazelle know?"
"She knows something is off, but she doesn't know the full extent of it."
"What do you say when you talk about it?"
"The normal stuff. You know, how he shouldn't do it, how he can get hooked. How what he's doing now can lead to worse addictions. He doesn't care about any of it."
"Do you talk with him aside from this?" She probes.
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"Well, are you spending time with him, other than telling him he's wrong for trying to find an escape?"
"I don't know."
"Then think about it and answer me." she says with her head cocked to the side.
I try and think back through the months we've been in here in 2. . I mean, I haven't exactly been avoiding Rory, but honestly, I'm not coming up with much. It's mostly been stuff helping with Vick's Boys' Club.

"I've been busy," I say defensively.
"So he told me."
I raise an eyebrow, letting her know I'm a bit surprised this topic has come up between them.
"He said you spend a lot of time at the gym."

"I do, you guys don't understand. I gotta do that." She gives me a scolding look.

"You make time for Posy and Vick. You know Rory needs you too."
"No, he doesn't"
"Yes, he does. Maybe not in the same way, but he does."
"No, really. He really doesn't." I can't help but raise my voice now.
"Why are you saying that?" she questions.
"I'm the reason for half of his pain in the first place! I don't know what to say or how to be around him that doesn't make everything worse. To be honest, it's beyond me how either of you can stand to be around me at all."
"Gale, first of all, like I said earlier, you need to forgive yourself. You're harder on yourself than you should be. You had a role, but weren't the driving force behind what happened. And plus, this isn't just about Prim, you know. Rory would be a moody beligerant teenager without all of that, just like we all were. He doesn't have a dad. You need to be there for him. He needs someone he can trust and confide in."
"So, I didn't have a dad when I was his age!" I bite back indignantly.
She pauses, a little offended if I read her right, "No, but we had each other."
I think to myself, 'Yeah, we did, and it was everything.' I don't have a good response, so I just nod, acknowledging there's some truth in all of what she just said.