This last chapter has been a long time coming and it's really short but it was supposed to be with chapter two, I just did not have time that day. Anyway I hope you enjoy this conclusion.
Ch. 3 The Agony of Decision Making
(CLARE)
Lucas leaves and I go back to my room lying on my bed, spinning my stuffed bear in my hands. The only stuffed animal I kept but I've had him since I was a baby. I'm thinking about the last few days, what I've done, how I feel, who I want, what I want. The ringing doorbell brings me from my thoughts and I go downstairs. I expect to see Dallas or Lucas but instead I find Owen and Peter.
"What are you two doing here?"
"Dallas really likes you," Owen says.
"Lucas likes you more," Peter insists.
"They don't like me they like the girls I was pretending to be. Tell them both I'm sorry for what I did and leave me alone," I assert trying to close the door and go up the stairs. I can't however because both Owen and Peter hold the door open.
"Dallas wants you Clare, even when you pretending I'm sure part of him knew it was you," Owen beseeches on behalf of his friend.
"Lucas always liked you, you used a different name but most of what you told him was true so you must have feelings for him," Peter implores on behalf of his friend.
I bite my lip and look back at them as my mind and heart begin to conflict each other.
"I need time to think, tell them…" I pause biting my lip again unsure what message I want to pass on, "just tell them I need time to think and the space to do so."
Owen and Peter let go of the door and I lock it returning to my room. I spend all afternoon and all night trying to figure out what I want, who I want. I'm so incredibly conflicted on the whole thing I barely sleep and I don't have an answer the next morning. I drive to school and go around the side when I see Dallas on the steps. I get to my locker and start putting in books when I see someone approach. I look over expecting Dallas, or possibly Lucas as I'm sure he knows how to sneak onto campus, but instead find Drew.
"I think he really does like you, he says he's liked you since he kissed you last year," Drew tells me.
"He kissed me last year when I was tipsy and had just confessed to him that my co-op boss assaulted me," I enlighten Drew.
"Asher was your co-op boss?" Drew questions guess Dallas mentioned Asher or maybe it was Adam.
"Yeah and I was upset, had a beer, got tipsy and he kissed me. I don't think Dallas knows what he wants. The girl he was crazy about wasn't me."
"It might have been you pretending to be someone else but it was still you. I do think he likes you, if he didn't I don't think he would have confessed to me and Adam. I have to ask though why'd you pretend to be someone else?" Drew inquires and I lean back against the bank of lockers closing my eyes briefly before answering.
"I was angry at him for telling you that you were a rebound to me. I wanted to play with his heart the way he did mine, for convincing you that's all you were to me. It really hurt. I knew he wouldn't fall for me and I didn't have the courage to do anything as Clare so I created a persona that did. That's all it was I wanted to hurt him for making you believe you were a rebound and ending us before we had a chance to begin."
"Oh," Drew says almost in a whisper and I look at him again. He's scratching the back of his head uncomfortable and looking down. "About us, I don't think we ever would have worked. The fantasy of us was appealing, you were sort of this unattainable ideal for me but you would have gotten tired of me quickly. I'm better with girls like Bianca and Alli, smart girls who don't act smart and are shallow, like me. Girls who need me. Don't get me wrong I did like you, and still do as a friend but we are definitely not a good match and you don't need me, you don't need anyone I think guys need you. I know you probably have a pretty low opinion of Dallas after what he did at the hoe down and your first kiss, but he's not such a bad guy once you know him. If he cares about you he'll do anything for you. I don't know who this Lucas guy is and maybe his feelings are genuine too but I know Dallas would never have told us anything if he didn't really like you. Maybe you and I could work on that whole friendship thing you've been the best friend Adam's ever had, I've never had a friend like that. Whatever you do decide I know it will be what's right for you and I know Dallas will honor it," Drew tells me and turns to walk away.
"Drew," I call to him and he stops turning to face me again, "thanks. And you're right we probably wouldn't have worked but I would like to be friends."
Drew flashes his charming grin and turns around walking off. I wish what Drew told me about Dallas made my decision easier but it really didn't. It only adds to everything already on my mind and in my heart. I can't even look at Dallas when we have classes together and at lunch time I pretend that I'm ill so that I can go home. I know it was the cowardly thing to do but I didn't know what else to do, every time I saw Dallas I panicked. I park at home and leave my car there because I'm worried Dallas or Lucas, or even Owen or Peter will find me at the house. I spend all afternoon walking around thinking, trying to ask myself what I want, what my heart wants, do they really have feelings for me?
And then one thing becomes painfully clear to me, an epiphany that probably should have been painfully obvious from the beginning. It should have been but it was veiled by emotion, buried by excitement, camouflaged by anxiety but now it's screaming to me and there is only once clear choice. I send a text to Dallas and to Lucas to meet me on the steps to Above the Dot and then I get a taxi to take me there. I arrive before the both of them and pace on the landing while I wait for them to show up.
"You wanted to see me?" Lucas asks as he's the first to arrive.
"She wanted to see us both," Dallas corrects him as he walks over to the stairs.
"I did want to see you both and thank you both for coming. I still don't know what I want or how I feel or if your feelings are genuine b…"
"My feelings are," Dallas speaks up cutting me off.
"So are mine," Lucas speaks up.
"Please just let me finish. What I did was wrong, to both of you it was wrong and the fact that I felt like I needed to be someone else with both of you means I'm not ready for another relationship. I've been through a lot, more than a lot, the last two years have basically been chaos. I need time, not just to make a decision but to work on myself. I've been wounded, more than I realized. I never really dealt with anything I just moved onto the next crisis. I need to just take time for me. I hope you can understand but I'm just not ready to be with anyone else and clearly it's not a good idea after the lengths I went to in order to be someone else, I hope you both can understand. If you hate me I'll understand. In a few months I'll be in New York, Lucas you'll still be here eight hours away and Dallas who knows where you'll be and I don't want either of you to wait around for me to heal or to be ready to make a decision because that could take years. I'm sorry for what I did to both of you."
I finish my speech and run past them both, down the stairs and all the way home. I'm not sure if they're stunned or just have the good sense not to follow me but I make it home. When the doorbell rings I'm afraid to answer it but my parents are home now.
"CLARE ADAM'S HERE," Glen calls up the stairs. Adam comes up and I unlock my door so he can come in.
"Well they're both a little upset but they both understand and they'll back off. They actually are becoming friends I think. They've been at my house for the last hour talking. For the record I think you made the right decision and so does Drew. You can't be good for anyone if you're still hurting," Adam says and I smile.
"Thanks it's something I should have realized before sleeping with Drew but better late than before getting hurt more or hurting anyone else. The next time I enter into a relationship I want it to be real, mature, lasting and I want to be whole again. I need to be whole again before I can be with anyone else."
Yes I know probably not the conclusion you were expecting but either way this story is done. Tomorrow will be an interesting experiment in period fluff called Summer of Love.
