"Dysphoria"
When he looked at her, the only thing he saw was a confident, determined, and successful bunny who knew she had made it. They both knew. That's just who Judy was, how she had always been. Whether she felt like she was on top of the world, or like her world was standing on its last leg; it didn't matter. When she walked in a room, heads turned, her presence like a beam of fresh energy. Nick had an eye for details, and being a fox, he recognized the small things that even Judy herself wasn't aware of. He would occasionally watch her throughout their days together, though she never noticed, briefly pausing his work to observe things like Judy's posture at her desk, or perhaps how evenly she would shuffle papers before placing them in a file cabinet. Everything she did just seemed so right, so well put together. It almost seemed unfair to him
He was jealous of the perfection he saw in her eyes.
Nick now stood alone in his apartment, a cup of tea in his paws, pondering these things. His eyes scanned the cracked mirror on the wall in front of him, gaze trailing upwards, only stopping once he made eye contact with his reflection. For a moment, he could only stare at the bright green orbs peering back at him, wondering if they even belonged to him. He stood there, expectant, only to harshly turn his gaze towards the wooden boards of the floor. Setting his tea down, he switched his thoughts to the day he met Judy.
Toot toot.
She had stood up for him, denying her instinctive suspicion to give him the benefit of the doubt. And what had he done in return? He had used her. He had lied and deceived her, and what stung him the most is that he had never cared. He hated himself for it, and was actually surprised that Judy didn't. She was the flame that had lit up his dark little world, and he had tried everything in his power to put it out before her light revealed what had been inside of him. He had forgotten that touching a flame would leave him with a nasty burn. Did he really tell her that she would never reach her dreams, while he had never even tried pursuing his own? Had he honestly said that seeing her fail would make him feel better about himself?
He was actually shocked, thankful even, when he realized that Judy had not taken his hateful words to heart. If it hadn't been for her, he might've continued to waste his life away, attempting to drag others down to his level of previous deceit. Sure, false personalities and dialogue had made him $200 a day, but they had clouded his true self. It was all a mask, disguising his insecurities and the massive hole in his heart.
Though he had never dared to let it slip through his lips, Nick had felt like he was drowning, and Judy was the only one to stop and pull him from beneath the surface. Now, Nick was floating in the middle of an ocean without any knowing of how to paddle, the only thing that would keep him above the water. He didn't understand who he was, or what he was meant for. Wasting 20 years of your life to popsicles definitely took its toll. Oh yes, he had bigger dreams, but they had long since been shoved to the back of his conscience. He barely reminded himself of them, much less anyone else. To him, the world was a blockade, a concrete wall smack in the middle between him and his passions. It didn't matter if he had the legs to jump clear over it. If the wall appeared too high, he wouldn't take the risk, in fear that the fall would break every bone in his body.
Though he had meticulously cloaked the fact, It didn't make it any less true; Nick was lonely. Though he would never admit it, he had desperately wanted a friend. No, not a regular rug or popsicle customer. Not a "business" partner. A friend. Someone who cared. Someone to laugh with, cry with. Someone who was actually interested in knowing how and what he was feeling about. Someone who believed.
Until Judy had come along, he had never looked at himself in the mirror and given a second look. Another day, another sale, right? That's what he had always thought. However, after all the time that Judy and him had spent together (which was almost every single day of the last 7 months), something felt different; foreign almost. It was as if Judy had torn a temporary hole in his blockade, ushering him to walk through with her to the other side. Though it was so simple, Nick was afraid to take the steps.
His thoughts hesitated, the environment around him coming back into focus, and his muzzle contorted into a pensive expression.
For the first time in his life, Nick Wilde became conscious that he was actually questioning himself.
"Wait."
"What?"
July 16th, 1993
7:01pm
After ripping off the muzzle, Nick had ran as fast as he could through the deserted, lamp-lit streets of Savannah Square. He was confused, demented. He could feel his heartbeat reverberate through his ears as his paws pounded against the wet pavement.
What had he done?
His breaths sputtered as he reached his home, the wooden front door slamming open as he scurried towards the kitchen.
"MAMA!"
Nick's mother, who had been putting away dishes, quickly turned in the direction of the scream to see her son burst into the room. His face was bloody, his entire body was bruised, and his orange cheeks were becoming stained with fresh tears. She dropped the glass plate in her hands, running towards him with open arms. "Oh my-Nicholas! What happened dear?" She gasped, taking him into her arms. With each breath, Nick let out a heart-wrenching sob of pain. His blood and tears had begun to stain her faded blouse. Poor little Nick could barely breath.
"T-THE BOYS! They, I-I thought...they put a muzzle on me! I d-don't know what I did wrong!" His mother didn't want to believe she had heard him correctly.
"Calm down Nicholas, I can't understand you! Now, who did you say-" Before she could finish, the pair heard heavy footsteps slowly trailing into the room, a husky male voice accompanying them.
"Just let the kid cry, Nancy." The man absent mindedly eyed Nick's injuries before returning his gaze to his wife's, which was full of distraught. He took a bottle of alcohol out of the rusted refrigerator.
"John, wait! Look at the boy's face! I'm not exactly sure yet, b-but I think those boys at the scout meeting did-"
"I said LET THE KID CRY!" I knew you shouldn't have wasted our money on that ridiculous uniform anyways." Nick sniffed, his eyes widening in fear as he turned to look at the older fox, and his ears flattening against his skull.
"John! This is your son we're talking about her-"
"My son? MY son?" He spat. "Do you honestly think I wanted to waste our time and money with that little runt?" He growled, smashing the beer bottle against the counter, startling both Nick and Nancy even more. John noticed the plate his wife had dropped, now shattered in pieces on the tiled floor, He shot a glare back at her, his yellow eyes glistening with anger. "And YOU!" He yelled, lunging towards her. "You useless little-!" His fist made contact with her jaw. There was a sickening snap, blood trickling from her mouth. Her protective grasp of Nick let go, causing him to fall onto the cold floor below. The last and only thing Nick could remember of his family were the echoing words of his father, and raindrops pouring on his head. "You're not my son anymore, so don't ever think you can come back!"
And the wooden door slammed shut.
Never let them see that they get to you.
Never let them see.
NEVER.
Bzzzz. Bzzzz.
His mouth was slightly agape, his eyes were wet, and his entire body felt like it had broken out into a cold sweat. It took him a second to figure out how to breath again.
Bzzzz. Bzzzz.
Huh?
What is that?
His ears shifted in the direction of the sound. On his coffee table sat his small phone, scooting across the glass slightly as it vibrated. He attempted to calm himself down by talking into the air, forcing himself to chuckle. "Oh-right. Come on, Nick. Just your phone, that's all. You're fine. Dad is not here. You're fine."
"You're fine."
"You're fine."
"You're fine."
Needless to say, talking didn't help. At all.
Bzzzz. Bzzzz.
Shakily, he picked up the phone and tapped the answer key, not really caring who was on the other line, until he heard a familiar voice. "Nick! What are you doing in there?! I've literally rung your doorbell like five times!" Oh, oops. He had totally forgotten that he'd offered for Judy to come over to his apartment so they could run over the files of their most recent case.
"Aw, I'm sorry Carrots. Hold on, I'll be right there." Nick mumbled, hanging up the phone. He slouched over to the front door, opening it fully to reveal the bright face and violet eyes of his partner.
"Hey Nick!" She greeted with enthusiasm. "You know, for a second there, I thought you were-" She stopped herself, her face darkening when she saw the look that was on Nick's muzzle. His emerald eyes were void of life, glazed over, staring blankly at her. His mouth curved downwards slightly at the ends, and his shoulder blades, usually pushed back with confidence, now slumped forwards. Judy's face twisted into one of concern. Nick instantly knew what she was thinking, and he quickly adjusted his expression and positioning to something he hoped she would find acceptable. He forced a grin, shoving her quickly inside.
"Hi Carrots! Sorry I didn't answer the door sooner. I was just busy doing...fox stuff, you know me. SO what do you say we get started on those case files, huh? Nick walked over to his couch, not even waiting for Judy to answer the question. She swayed, confused by his haste. She hesitantly patted over to where Nick had sat down, his laptop already open.
"...Alrighty, sounds good." She couldn't help but feel uneasy as she joined him on the worn cushions, pulling the papers out of her canvas tote. Nick never got excited about going through paperwork, so why would he be so eager to do it now? She glanced at him, her eyes holding a mix of confusion and curiosity, noticing how focused the fox's gaze was on the screen in front of him. His tail thumped repeatedly on the cushion beside him, his posture stiff and his chest not rising and falling at it usually did. Something didn't feel right to her.
Nick's heart thumped at he sensed Judy's peripheral vision tear into the side of his head. He hear her ask, "So… how has your day been?"
"Uh, it's been pretty good, you?" He managed a small smile, but kept his eyes trained on the laptop's screen. The beat in his chest picked up when Judy didn't answer, or look away from him. Ugh, she knew, but he wasn't surprised by her perception - not one bit. He hated how she could see right through him, no matter what disguise he placed on the outside. For years, he had build up layers upon layers of false egos while conning. In fact, it was almost a requirement for the job. Occupation: deceiver? He'd succeeded in fooling just about everyone he came across while "working", including Judy herself, until he realized that she was too smart for his stage performances.
Judy kept staring at Nick, not saying a word, carefully studying his face. When she didn't respond to his question, he turned to meet her eyes; just what she had wanted. "Nick, is everything alright?" Que an exaggerated smirk with a side of half-closed eyelids; just what she had expected.
"I'm fine, Carrots! Why wouldn't I be? Now, last Wednesday, Bogo had-"
"Nick, stop."
His smile dropped instantly. "Stop what?"
"Oh please, you know what! That little "I'm gonna hide my feelings from my best friend" thing you're doing. You're hurting… I-I can see it in your eyes. I know something is wrong. Please don't lie to me."
Nick turned back to the computer, lying straight through his teeth. "Nothing's wrong, Carrots."
Judy hesitated. "Do you not trust me?"
Nick's eyes narrowed. "Listen, I don't feel comfortable talking about this."
"But I care about your how you feel! How are you not getting that?"
He slammed his laptop shut and let out a soft growl. "Because it's none of your business, Judy!"
She cringed at his use of her real name. "I know it's your business, but I'm also concerned about you!"
"You think just because we're partners, means you get access to everything in my life? You have no idea what I have been through!"
"But I just-"
Nick lunged at her, baring his teeth, and knocking his laptop onto the floor. "JUST SHUT UP, OKAY?!"
Judy gave a violent jerk, quickly backing up all the way to the opposite arm of the couch; the one farthest away from him. Her ears lay flat against her back. He saw she was shaking. Nick recoiled into himself in defeat, putting his head in his paws. He didn't want to look at her expression of fear that he had caused.
"Nick…...y-you're right. I should have just dropped it. I'm sorry. Your business is-"
Wait, was she apologizing to him? "No no no no Judy," his voice was low, "I'm so, so sorry. I shouldn't have raised my voice at you like that. It's… it's my fault. P-please forgive me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…."
Nick sat, whimpering into his paws, as he felt tears begin to fall from his eyes. Why did he always have to screw everything up? He had already told Judy that he wouldn't hurt her, to calm her fears of him that she was so desperately trying to get rid of. There was no reason he needed to growl at her like that. And all she was trying to do was help him, comfort him! He had waited so many years for this type of person in his life, and he was terrified of losing her. And how had he responded to this God-given gift of a friend? By nearly giving her a heart attack! It's what he hated himself for, and he wouldn't be the least bit surprised if she was no longer in his apartment by the time he opened his eyes - until he felt a light tap on his shoulder.
"Hey you."
Nick peeked out from behind a paw to find Judy's bright, (gorgeous) amethyst eyes staring back at his own. She leaned forward and gently lowered his paws from his face, revealing both of his (omgoodness, he's actually kind of handsome, but I'm not gonna let him know I think that) glossy, forest-green eyes, giving his left cheek a few strokes, while wiping away some tears at the same time.
"Aw, don't cry Nick. I forgive you, you dumb fox. Here...lay your head down." She gestured to her lap. A rather dazed Nick gave her a hesitant look.
"You sure, Carrots?"
Judy rolled her eyes, sticking both of her arms out towards him. "Yes I'm sure! Come here!"
After a few long seconds of silence, Nick, finally, slowly crawled closer to Judy, resting his head in her lap so his muzzle faced up towards her chin. She gave the area under his chin where his fur turned white a few scratches.
"Nick, if you don't want to tell me what's wrong, that's fine-"
"No…. I-I want to tell you… just not right now?"
"That's fine with me. But just know that if there's ever something bothering you, I'm always here for you."
Nick was quiet for a moment, closing his eyes and letting out a breath. "Judy?"
"Mhmmm?" She stroked his snout.
"Why…why did you want to be a…a friend to me?"
She froze, causing Nick's body to tense up for a moment. "Because you looked like you needed one."
He chuckled, one eye opening. "Is that supposed to be an insult, Officer Hopps?"
Judy flicked the tip of his nose "Nooo, I'm just stating the facts of the case."
He responded with a low, content hum, closing his eye again. The pair was silent for a moment until Nick spoke up again.
"Thank you, Judy. Seriously. You are one incredible bunny. You know that, right?"
"...Do I know that?"
"Carrots, please don't finish it-"
"Yes, yes I do- EEEEEEEKKKKK! Nick! Don't grab my tail like that!"
"Yeah, not sorry Fluff."
