Chapter 44) Silence
Cleon POV
I watched Zaphikel tense, wondering what was wrong. "Zaphikel?"
"What do you hear, Cleon?" he asked me. I thought it was a weird question. The answer was obviously him. "Nothing, yes?" No, not nothing. I heard him. "No birds, no deer." Oh, well, that was right. I only heard him. "Come on." I yelped as he seized my arm, dragging me after him. "Move your feet, Cleon. When the forest falls silent, the Clan is in danger."
"Okay?" I didn't get it. I didn't get it at all, then.
But I got it later, after Zaphikel got the Clan to move to higher ground, and I watched a flood carve through the trees, triggered by the sudden melting of winter ice. I definitely got it then.
Silence. Silence, silence, silence. I couldn't relax. Everything was silent. Something was wrong. It had to be. But, really, it wasn't. Not really. I just… I just couldn't hear. I was just deaf. Nothing was wrong with me. I just… I just lost a sense. That was it. That was it.
And if one more of the Clan treated me like fragile, cracked glass, I was going to punch something. I wasn't broken. I was hurt. I was different. But I wasn't broken. I didn't need the pitying looks sent my way. I didn't need the winces, the whispers behind the hands I could no longer hear. I wasn't broken. I was not-!
Waving caught my attention, shattering the cycle of thoughts dragging me down. I blinked slowly, focusing on Lanaya as her hand returned to her side. Since I couldn't hear her voice, I found myself focused a lot on how she looked. The bags under her eyes hinted she hadn't slept well. The messiness of her hair made me think she hadn't brushed her hair this morning, just drew it back. Ink stains on her hands showed how she'd been working through the night. A slight trembling in her fingers, and how thin and wan her face appeared, made me wonder when she had last ate. No matter how falsely confident her smile was, she was not holding up well under the sudden stress of becoming Keeper, and mourning Zathrian.
It reinforced my decision to keep the vial with the ghost in my pack. I would give it to her later, along with the Keepers of whatever other Clans helped us. But, for now, she had too much to deal with. Deciding who was trustworthy enough to learn this was unnecessary stress.
She tapped her paper, catching my attention again as it wandered, and I looked down to read the words she'd written. 'As Keeper, I swear that our Clan will assist the Wardens as soon as we have tended to our injuries.' I smiled at that. It was nice to have it declared so firmly. 'We will also send hunters to Clans that are nearby. I am not certain if Sabrae is close enough, though.' Right, Marethari had been moving the Clan north. 'Will you all be staying for the service?'
I tapped that last sentence, waiting until she looked me in the eye before nodding. She smiled, eyes softening. I had a feeling I'd be reading some poems she'd write to deal with her grief before the end of the night. I also had a feeling we'd be exchanging stories.
Carefully, she took the paper and wrote out her next words. I marveled at her penmanship, smiling at how even and gentle the lines were. Not many Dalish knew how to write because our culture was oral, but Lanaya very much enjoyed writing poetry, and had learned from her parents prior to joining the Clan. 'I will double-check the aravels, then. Will you be all right?' I tapped the last sentence again, waited for her to look at me, and nodded again. She nodded back before clapping her hands.
I made a face as the puff of air tickled my nose, but stood back to watch as she riffled through papers and books. Finally, though she produced two folded pieces of paper and handed them to me. Both had my name scrawled. I recognized one as Zathrian's handwriting, but I didn't know the other writing at all. What was this?
A hand touched mine and I looked up to see Lanaya holding up her paper again, sentences written. 'Zathrian instructed me to open up a chest if he did not return.' The paper shook slightly, so I reached out to steady it, and her hands. 'There were letters inside. There is also one for Lyna.' Ah, okay. 'I don't know who the other one is from. But Lyna's seems to have been written by the same person.' All right. 'I wanted to give them to you before I forgot.' I caught her eye and nodded, hoping it showed my understanding. Her smile said it did.
I pointed to a tree not far away, hand automatically forming the signal for 'I will be there'. Though I was certain she didn't know it, she seemed to catch my meaning, and nodded, walking the other way to go tend to something. As she left, I flopped down at the roots of the tree, breathing out a sigh as I rested my head against the rough, cool bark and closed my eyes.
Tiring. It was tiring communicating. But I'd just… I'd just have to deal. Just like the silence that made me tense, constantly check the area. Though, now that I thought about it, being so visually alert also wasn't doing me favors. But, I'd adapt to it too. I had to. It wasn't like I'd magically regain my hearing. Considering my injuries, by all rights, I really ought to be dead. Varathorn, after studying the armor Morrigan found for me, concluded it had dampened the spell's affects enough for my body to react to the healing magic, something in the forging. He'd been fascinated by it, but… well, the armor was mine. He promised to study it after the Blight, when my life wouldn't be quite so dependant on good armor.
For now, though, I had letters to read.
Opening my eyes, I decided to read the one from Zathrian first. 'If you're reading this, Cleon, then it means I've got to Falon'din's side at long last.' At long last, huh? Zathrian, you hadn't enjoyed immortality. 'You just left with your group. Friends? Maybe 'friends' is the better term. It's such an odd group, but you somehow fit in with them.' Not sure how to take that. 'And I feel like I'll be saying 'dareth shiral' soon, so I'm writing down all my thoughts, for once, since I doubt I'll be able to say all of them, if any.' Not that it would've mattered if he had. I had only caught the barest hint of what he had said to me then, concentrating on reading his lips. 'Away' and 'watching'. 'Until the end'. I should ask someone what all he'd said then. 'Did you know you and your father have the same eye color as my son?' I… wait, what? Really? What had been the chances of that? 'I remember when I first saw Kieran with those eyes. He was in his teens, just staring, and it had felt like a punch to the head, especially since my son had never made it to adolescence.' Ah. I hadn't known his son had been that young. How old had his daughter been? Had there been a great age difference or…? 'After talking to him, though, it became easy to differentiate him. Kieran had a… I don't know what to call it. A light, a hope. You just wanted to follow him, knowing he'd open the gates to paradise. You have the same presence.' I did? 'When he died, I was… it hurt greatly. It had been a long time since I'd even let myself become close to another. You become very distant when you're as old as I am, fearful of the inevitable pain. Maybe it was a blessing our ancestors lost it. Who is to say?' Who indeed… it wasn't like there were ancient elves about. 'However, just as I was falling into despair, a little da'len caught my attention. A da'len with Kieran's face and eyes.' Oh, when he walked up to me that day. 'You stared at me with the same eyes, and stated your desires clearly. You're probably not aware, but you spoke with such pride. A pride I hadn't seen in Dalish in a long while.' Yeah, I… definitely didn't know that. 'Even back then, you were content. Everyone else felt the burden of the lost legacy, of longing for a homeland. But you? You were content in the forest, content with this life.' He'd seen that, huh? Even though I'd tried to hide it. 'Moreover, you had pride in us. The Dalish as they were, even the city elves. You always got into so much trouble, going out of your way to protect them on the roads.' Yep. I stood by those decisions. 'It was such a joy, watching you grow up. You grew more serious, burdened by expectations, but that pride remained constant. I'm sure it'll serve you well as a Warden. You truly are, after all, the pride of the Sabrae clan, and mine as well.' Zathrian… 'Mythal will watch over you, and I know you and your friends will be victorious during this Blight. Never lose your hope. You led an old, old elf out of despair and gave him joy unrivaled. You will do the same for many, many others, just by being who you are.'
The letter ended with simply his name, but I smiled at it. He talked a bit around things, but I could read between the lines. He'd loved me dearly. That was an unchanging fact, no matter how things had been at the end. I could take some comfort in it.
I set it to the side, and picked up the other letter, frowning at it. Who was it from? Who else would write me a letter? Carefully, I opened it up, looking for the signature. When I saw it, though, I froze and dropped the letter, pressing my back deep into the bark as it fluttered down. 'Mamae'. The signature had been 'your mamae'. This was from… but why would she… why would Zathrian…? She wasn't from this Clan! She was from a completely different one! What was… I didn't…
I stared at the paper, eyeing it as warily as one would a viper. My hands trembled when I reached out, and I snatched them back before I could touch it. I… I couldn't…
Okay, no. No, I could. I could read it. And, if I did, then I'd have ammunition when my resolve faltered in the wake of the silence. Right? Right.
Taking a deep breath, I shakily picked up the letter and unfolded it again, smoothing it out to buy me a bit more time. 'I'm sure you're quite surprised to read something from me, Cleon.' Wow, she hadn't known me for more than a day, and she still predicted my reactions. Good job, or something. 'And I won't blame you if you decide to burn this without reading.' That was an idea. Too bad I'd already made a choice and I was stubborn. 'Then again, maybe you'll read out of sheer stubbornness. You have to be at least a little stubborn. You're my child.' …Okay, I was honestly a bit creeped out that she predicted that. 'In the event you are reading this, though, then please let me start with words you should hear. I'm sorry.' The two words felt like ice water dripping down my back. 'I'm sure you're angry at me. I'm angry at me. As I'm writing this, you and Lyna are curled up together in your cradle, right next to me. You're both so incredibly lovely and wonderful. And… ah, there you are, smiling at me again. You've given me lots of smiles. And here I am, about to give you a life of insecurities. But, honestly, I'm scared.' Of what? What had she been so scared of that she-? 'I'm broken, Cleon. I can't inflict that on you two. You're both young and bright. Me? I can barely go a moment without bursting into tears. I'm listless, useless. The strong arms I used to be proud of can't even hold my daggers. I, the supposed strongest hunter of the Dalish, had needed Ashalle's help to even hold you. If I can't support you now, when your only needs are food and love, how can I support you as you grow older, and you need helpful shoulders and reassuring hugs?' …Mother… 'Paivel says I'll recover in time, and grow strong again, but I just can't see it, Cleon. Besides, I was the one who got your father killed. What if I make another mistake and it kills you two?" But it had been…!'Ah, right, I should probably tell you about how your father died. I hear the rumors the others are generating, and they're not right. They keep saying it was an ambush, but, if anything, Kieran and I were the ambushers.' What? 'We were going to my Clan. Kieran planned on telling my Keeper directly, and then we'd both go to the Sabrae and live happily together, with or without my Clan's consent. We defied them before, and we'd gladly do it again. I hope you got a slightly more reasonable streak in you. Not sure from where. Maybe Ashalle or Paivel will teach it.' Not sure on that one, Mother. I keenly remembered how Tamlen died because I hadn't stayed firm on reason. 'We ran into a group of humans and elves, and they were so scared. I couldn't blame them, of course. They were lost in the woods, and here came two Dalish out of nowhere, one a mage and the other wearing sharp daggers on her belt. I tried to diffuse the situation and stepped forward too soon. I'd scared them, and so they'd fired arrows. With not enough time to make a barrier, Kieran shielded me with his own body. You know the story from there.' Yeah, I did. 'If only I had not been so impatient, and made sure they were calm. Or maybe even a little more patient in sharing the joyous news with Kieran. Then he'd be alive, and you and Lyna would've had two whole, happy parents, instead of a corpse and someone as good as dead.' Mamae… 'Ah, this is so long and rambling. And I don't know how to end it. Tell you how much I love you? It's completely and unconditionally, but I've little doubts the words ring hollow, when the only proof is this letter, and the daggers I'm leaving with it.' Daggers? 'Not sure if either of you will take it up, but I'll leave them, just in case. They served me well. They'll serve you the same, I'm sure.' But Lanaya hadn't handed me… ah, well, guess I was going hunting then. Though that reminded me. Aiden had a dagger, or at least used to. Did he still have it? If he did, I should teach him. And then there was Elspeth with that sword from Ostagar. She'd left it here when we went into the woods, but she should learn how to use it too. 'I suppose I'll end this with your name. 'Cleon'. I'm sure you're a little curious why I picked it.' Well… 'It comes from an old word for 'glory'. Kieran thought of it as we walked that day. Chatted about how it was the name of some hero in a tale. I can't really remember now, sadly, but it involved an elf and the Imperium, and Andraste too. Maybe that'll be enough for you to find it.' I suppose. I definitely was curious now. 'I picked it, though, because I want you to find your glory. Your own glory, not that which the Clans insist you should want. Make your own path, my dearest son. What strength I had, I know you inherited, and you have Kieran's strength too. No matter what happens, I know you will be well. And, if you can believe my words, know that I love you. I love you so very dearly, and it is because of that I leave. And I will watch over you from Falon'din's side, taking delight in everything with Kieran.'
Then the letter ended with 'your mamae', the words I read first. I stared at the paper, uncertain on how to feel. I still felt bitter. I still was mad. But she… acknowledged that. Made it okay. She had loved me, and it was because of that she had felt it was the best choice to leave. I disagreed with that, still. I still thought I would've preferred having her here. But, I couldn't blame her, for faltering when everything hurt. For not having faith in herself. And she'd left this letter, to give me the answers I'd longed for.
And with the answers, it felt like a healing wound. A scar, but one that wouldn't ache. That was… a powerful gift. A very, very powerful one. And she'd made sure of it. I could be happy with that.
A small vibration startled me, and I looked up to see Morrigan near. I tilted my head in confusion and she jumped. Had that been what it was? Regardless, I smiled and waved her closer, noticing the paper she had clutched to her chest.
She sat down next to me and passed me it, a pen in hand for her to write. She leaned into my side as I smoothed out the paper to make it easier to read; I didn't mind, since she was quite warm. 'The moron-' I stopped there, and pointed to it, giving her a look. She huffed and crossed it out to write 'Alistair'. 'Alistair, Sten, and Aiden are hashing out what signs they know for them to teach all of us.' I gave her a questioning look, so she quickly scrawled, 'Alistair knows a sign language used by templars. Sten, the qunari. Aiden, something used in his Alienage. Sadly, Elspeth and I can't help with that, but she is with them, already learning.' Aaahhh. Nodding, I returned to the rest of her note. 'Once they're done, we shall have a sign language for communication when paper is scarce. It shall be a messy hybrid, but it should work.' I smiled, feeling myself relax. They were going to help me. They wouldn't leave me to flounder alone. I still had to get used to the silence, but they would adapt with me.
She tapped the bottom of the paper, so I looked down to what she wrote there. 'Are you all right?' I had no idea how to answer that. I wasn't broken, but I was frazzled. I was certain of myself, but I was grieving. I was bitter about my mamae, but also soothed. Honestly, no small part of me was resentful I had to adapt, but I had resolved to do so.
She seemed to notice, however, how I was having difficulty answering, so she carefully wrote out, 'Will you be all right?' I pointed to that one, made sure to catch her eye, and nodded. She smiled back. A warm, bright smile that lit up her face, made her eyes sparkle, not of her superior haughtiness in sight. It was… incredibly beautiful, actually, and I found myself dazzled, focusing on how her eyes narrowed, how the left side of her mouth quirked up higher than the right.
The wind blew, a leaf brushing my cheek, and I looked up to see the leaves rustling in the breeze, like they were shaking in laughter. Was it the Lady? I thought so. She had returned to the forest, after all, and I couldn't imagine her just disappearing after living so long.
I smiled, feeling the sun warming my face, content against the tree. I would be all right. I could learn how to relax in the silence. I might stumble, but… well…
I glanced down and saw Aiden approaching, waving his arms to make sure I saw him. Elspeth was behind him, a skip in her step despite her limp. They both waved to Morrigan as they approached and held out their hands to me at the same time. I took them without hesitation, letting them pull me up.
As I steadied my footing, Alistair popped out from behind the others, handing me another piece of paper. 'We managed to get something that will hold, we think. Lots of redundancies, of course, particularly for the nastier words, like blood, kill, slaughter them all, ritual dismemberment on Tuesdays…' I grinned at that, finding it hilarious. 'But we will work on that. There are some words we don't have signs for, but maybe one of the others knows a sign language that has them.' Ah, okay.
I handed it back to him, and smiled warmly. Alistair grinned back, slinging an arm around my shoulder. As I staggered playfully under the weight, Elspeth waved to catch my attention, and pointed down the way. I could see Sten there, watching us from the distance. Seeing me look, he pointed back farther, and I narrowed my eyes until I spotted what they both must've been referring to. The Clan was gathering for the service.
I took a step forward and the others came with me, and I let myself relax even more, knowing that they would prevent anything from sneaking up on me. Instead, I could focus entirely on… well, not the song. But, perhaps the singers? The emotions on their faces, the way the fire flickered. Or something. I didn't know.
But I did know this. If there was only one thing I had been blessed with during this whole mess, starting from when Tamlen and I first entered that damn ruin, it was that I had to go through it with this ragtag bunch of misfits. And, honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Author's notes: Sign language has many, many different forms depending on country or even community (dialects). It's really quite fascinating, and I will be trying to show that. Overall, though, this is just a chapter to wrap up the quest, and for Cleon to start moving forward again (and to show how the group is becoming close).
Next Chapter – Interlude, Leliana.
