Chapter 45) Razbliuto

Layla POV


"New templar today." "I've heard he's a cutie~" "Yeah, he's supposed to be a bit of a prodigy? I mean… he made it through training in like five years." "Greagoir seems to like him. I've heard he's actually training him to be Knight-Captain, managing troops and the like."

I slipped through the crowded hallways, barely paying attention to the gossip. It was interesting, of course, but I was on an errand for Irving. I had to get that done first, especially since Irving had promised to teach me the glyph for neutralization when I-

I turned a corner for a common shortcut and crashed into someone with a squeak. Papers went flying as I hit the ground, and I yelped at them, scrambling to pick them up. "Oh, I am so sorry!"

"No, I should've been paying attention, and not reading." …I did not know that voice. When I looked at the speaker, I did not recognize his face either. He was someone wearing the 'casual' clothes for templars on breaks, and he had a very beautiful smile. "I was trying to memorize the map," he explained sheepishly. Absently, I handed him the papers I had picked up, and he held out a hand to help me stand. I took it. "Um…" His face was flushed, but he was still smiling. "I'm Cullen. Cullen Rutherford. I was just assigned here." So, this was the new templar… he was very handsome.

"My name is Layla. Layla Amell." I made sure to smile at him. I wanted to make a good impression. "I am an apprentice here, studying under Irving." …Ah! "R-right, I was in the middle of trying to find where they moved the alchemy cupboard!"

"I think it is next to the first floor library, in that side-room… alcove… thing…"

"Truly?" I clapped my hands in delight. "Then I shall check there." I bowed to him. "Thank you so much! I hope to see you later!"

I raced off, glancing back a couple of time to see him staring after me. I giggled, feeling a touch giddy. I could not wait to tell the others.


There was fear under the cheer. Certainly, everyone was happy over how many survived. Certainly, everyone was relieved the Right had been called off. But you could see the wariness in the smiling eyes, hear the tension in their laughs. Everyone's eyes darted towards the surviving mages, and their thoughts were practically tangible. 'Are they like them?' 'Are they just like the ones who did this?'

Part of me wanted to snap, but how could I? This was why mages were feared. After seeing the aftermath, I could understand it, much better than I did before. And, though I was saddened by the fear, most of me felt rather distant from it. Even though, by all rights, I should be among them, or the dead, I felt like it was something that did not affect me. It was a tragedy that made me sad, even sadder because I knew the people involved, but that I could step away from. Was it because it was simply another nightmare to be added, or had I just changed?

"No magic!" The hiss jolted me back into the present, and I looked down to the templar I was treating. Leliana's singing had calmed most of the patients, and kept the children safely out of the way, but it did nothing to make them trust me. "N-no… no magic…!" It did nothing to make them less afraid of me, of my magic. "No!" They struggled to sit up, and I quickly tried to push them back down, eyes darting down to their rotten smelling, pus seeping wound. I had to use magic. But….

"…I will not do more than necessary," I whispered, holding their gaze, thinking of how Nuada was also afraid. A healer… should also tend to a person's trauma, right? Right. "But if I do not use healing magic, you will die and it will be painful." They hesitated before nodding, laying back down. I smiled at them and held my hands over the injury. "I am casting the spell now, if you would like to close your eyes." They did and I let the magic wash over them. I fought my impulse to heal them completely. That might help their body, but their mind would be shaken. That would not be right. "There." The injury was still there, an angry line of blisters and messy scabs, but it was no longer infected. "Make sure someone looks and cleans it."

"…Thank you…" I looked to them, and was startled by their relieved smile. "Truly, thank you." I knew it was because I kept my word, because I had used the bare minimum. So, I smiled back, glad I had not gone with that impulse.

"You should also make sure to talk to someone about the trauma." I stood, letting another templar come to actually do the bandaging. "But you will be fine."

I stepped away, trying to catch my breath. It was hard, though, with the air heavy with blood, death, and the smell of far too many disinfectants and poultices. Shaking my head, I got myself near a wall, away from the crowd, and glanced around. Leliana was still in her corner with the children. Knight-Commander Greagoir, Irving, and Wynne were discussing something in the center of the room. And Nuada was… ah, he just returned from the room, another body in his arms.

When we had all returned, Nuada had volunteered immediately to lead a small group of less injured templars to start carrying corpses down, for identification and burning. It was perhaps the first time I had seen someone get Knight-Commander Greagoir's respect so fast. That said, you really had to respect someone who went into a nightmare, and was willing to go again. That was what Wardens did, wasn't it? I would gain the courage to do so myself.

But today, I was going to let myself stay away. Nuada was carrying the body of a child, and I did not want to look anymore. I knew the child, after all. I had given her sweets to calm her the day before my Harrowing.

I carefully slipped down one of the halls, one of the ones not covered in far too much blood. How many people died, to cause so much splatter? There was not all that much blood in the body. You had more water in a tub, far more. Oh, my poor home…

I noticed a door open, and stepped into the room, noting it was one of the storage rooms, housing some of the rarer books out of reach of curious apprentices. Often, it was empty, but today it was not. Today, Cullen was at one of the tables, reading over something.

He noticed me immediately, tense and alert, a hand falling for a sword he did not wear. He froze, however, when he realized it was me, and I lingered in the doorway, unable to think of what to say. After all, one of the ways the demon had tried to break him was my image, or so I took from his words before. I knew it was no fault of mine, or any fault of his, but it was awkward to know it.

I thought about confessing to him. I thought, perhaps, it might make him feel better, knowing he was not the only one to hold such feelings, not the only one who knew just how bad of an idea it was. But… but it felt like a lie. No, it was a lie. Staring at him, studying his worn and pained face, I realized something I had not even considered. I did not love him as that anymore, not to the degree I had. Everything I had seen had suffocated it, and I was too different. He was too different, too angry. No, instead, I felt… I wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to heal, move forward. I was fond of him. But it was… not a love anymore. It was not a romantic love.

So, instead, I gave him my best smile, clasping my hands behind my back. He stared at me, flinching a little. It was like he was looking at the sun, when he had wanted the moon. "I will be leaving soon," I murmured anyway, holding his gaze. He simply nodded, still far too tense. "So, goodbye, Cullen." I could say it this time, at least. "I hope, when we next meet, we can be friends again."

I did not wait for a reply. Likely, he did not have one. I turned away, and left him alone to his book, steps firm, head held high.

Goodbye, my first love. I hope you find your place in the world.


When I returned to the room, I jumped back into healing, listening to the patients and compromising between their needs and wants. It kept my hands busy and my mind focused as more bodies were carried down. Leliana kept singing to calm everyone, even though her voice was almost drowned out by the sobs of mourners as it slowly became clear who would actually survive and who would not.

It could have been so much worse. That very idea kept me firm. It could have been worse. We saved the Tower from the worst. I very much believed that.

"Goodness, how much you've grown." Blinking slowly, I looked up from trying to push someone's intestines back inside their abdomen where it belonged to see Wynne hovering over me. "I almost didn't recognize you, scurrying about," she continued warmly, crouching down next to me to help out. "You've grown much stronger since I saw you at Ostagar."

"I do not feel it," I murmured. Between the two of us, we got the organs where they needed to go, and healed the patient up. I breathed a sigh of relief as the magic took. This one, at least, did not bleed out under my fingers. "If anything, Wynne, I feel weaker."

"Unfortunately, a part of growing up is becoming quite aware of your limitations." She kissed my temple, pressed her cheek to mine affectionately as she gave me a one-armed hug. "But, trust me. You are much stronger. When you were at Ostagar, you would not have been able to stay calm enough to heal so many." …She was right. I probably would have saved only half, at best. "And you take into account how the templars might be afraid, and reassure them their fears are not silly while still saving their lives." That was… that was simply because of how much trouble I had with Nuada, how much I no doubt put him through… "I'm proud of you." I smiled at that, feeling myself relax. "But come, it's time to talk to Irving and Greagoir."

"The patients?" I would not mention the bodies Nuada and his group carried.

"Those that still require healing do not need magic for it." Oh. "And all the bodies that can be safely carried down have been." Ah. "So…" She stood, giving me her hands. I took them, becoming self-conscious of how messy I was. I was covered in blood and sweat, my clothes and hair sticking awkwardly, my skin itching from the drying patches. "How about a quick wash?" Oh! "And a change of clothes. I think I might have an old robe in storage that'll fit, if you can forgive how outdated it is."

"Wynne, I just want clean clothes." I paused before sheepishly adding, "Th-though, I also would not mind if it is pretty."

"I thought so." Wynne chuckled, eyes dancing even as I sulked at her, and tugged me gently down another hallway. I followed her closely, glancing around. So, this was where mages stored their old things. I had never been down this hallway before; I had no reason to go. "In here." She gently nudged me inside a room, and I noted there was already a bath set up. "You three needed one. Nuada and Leliana are in different rooms while Greagoir has some templars check over all of your armor." Oooohhh. "I think he's also giving Nuada a change of clothes from the templar stores. I know Leliana is getting some from the Chantry stores." That made sense. "You soak. I'll find you those clothes."

She left me alone and I wasted no time stripping down and sinking into the wonderfully warm water. I sighed with a smile, relaxing slowly as I made sure to run some through my crusted, knotted hair. After this bath, after I was a bit cleaner, I would move forward again. Garahel, or at the least the spirit who took his appearance… his words echoed in my head. 'You're fine. You're doing fine.' and 'Take a breath and leap. You're more than capable of flying.'… those words were comforting. I would take courage from them, and give that courage to the others when they faltered. That was my vow, here and now.

I had just soaked all the blood off, starting to prune, when Wynne returned. Smiling, she passed me a towel to dry off, and some clean underwear to change into. After I did so, I focused on trying to get most of the water out of my hair as Wynne helped me dress.

The first thing I noticed about it, though, was how it left the shoulders bare. The dark blue gown was held up solely because of the bronze corset Wynne helped me snap on, its sleeves only going up to my armpits and trailing loosely down my arms. Slits up the sides of the skirt made it easy to move in. Wynne hooked two belts around me, one settling on my hips, the ornamental discs hiding compartments to hide balms and poultices. The other was long and thin, something you could easily hook a pack on… or a sword. What had Neria suggested long ago? Well, it was not so long ago, but I believe she mentioned a knife? I should… I should learn weapons. But what would I learn? I would have to think on it.

She handed me knee-high boots made of soft leather and as I tugged them on, she slid a headband on me, pushing my curls out of my face. "There," she murmured. I wondered how I looked. "I wouldn't call it the most battle-worthy, but I think it'll be a bit easier to work with it and armor." That could be true. It felt more durable than my normal robes. "I put some others like it in your pack. The robes you had in there were… well, they were stained beyond repair." That did not surprise me. "Also, you have a fire rod?" Ah!

"That is a story…" I mumbled, fiddling with my fingers. I had forgotten about it, again. "But I would like to keep it." Who knew where it could be useful again? "Is that all right?"

"Certainly." She smiled warmly, beaming at me. Though, if I did not know better, I would have thought she looked a little ready to cry. "Come on. Let's go meet the others."

"Okay, Wynne." I paused before adding, "and thank you. For everything."

"Always, my dear. Always."


"What's this? Has a goddess of beauty decided to walk among us mere mortals?" I burst into laughter at Nuada's over the top greeting, unable to help it. It echoed off the walls, drawing attention, but I found myself not caring. "I think with all the trouble we get into, we'll need to get you some chainmail or something to put underneath it," he continued lightly. It did not escape my notice that, despite his smile and cheer, he twitched at each person coming from his right, even though he had that side protected by leaning against a pillar. "But it suits you."

"Oh, perhaps a good set of bronze colored?" Leliana murmured excitedly, clapping her hands in delight and bouncing on her toes. "It will go well, I think!" My laughter faded into a smile, my spirits high as I moved to stand between them, careful to keep myself on Nuada's left so he would not be so nervous. Wynne stood a bit to the side, in the space between us, and Irving and Knight-Commander Greagoir.

"All here, then?" Knight-Commander Greagoir asked gruffly. Still, we nodded, confirming that we were ready for whatever discussion was taking place. "I suppose the first thing we need to say to you three is 'thank you'." Those were words I never quite expected to hear from him. My smile grew at them. "You've saved the Tower, and proven yourself a friend to the Circle, mages and templars alike."

"The second thing is about the aid you wish," Irving added. He tried to hide how drained and injured he was by standing tall, but I could see him teetering. Knight-Commander Greagoir could too, though, and subtly helped steady him. "After much discussion, the two of us decided both mages and templars will come to the aid of the Wardens." …Eh? "I know the treaty is just for mages, but you did help the templars greatly in this, and quite a few respect you highly now." I… uh… "This goes for all templars stationed in Fereldan. Greagoir will be sending messengers soon."

"So, we get some of the strongest soldiers in Thedas along with people who can blow things up with their minds?" Nuada asked, smiling a little. Both nodded and his smile grew. "Well, damn, that's incredibly generous of you."

"No more than what was given to us." Irving smiled, trying to hide a wince. He would need to rest soon. "It will take some time, of course."

"Please, see to your injuries!" Leliana insisted. Nuada and I both nodded for emphasis. "I don't think we're going to go charging off after Archdemons yet!" No, we had to at least meet the others.

"I hope the Archdemon remains cooperative in that," Knight-Commander Greagoir muttered. He crossed his arms, scowling. I was honestly glad to see the familiar look. "History tells otherwise."

"Then it is up to us to make history, and win before it becomes uncooperative," I stated firmly. Both Knight-Commander Greagoir and Irving gave me startled looks, and I flushed under them. "W-what? Um…" I squeaked and ducked behind Leliana. Oh, how embarrassing.

"Oh, okay, there's the Layla Amell I remember." Knight-Commander, that was just mean! "Maker's breath, I'm feeling old. Wasn't she six-years-old just a blink ago, getting lost in the Tower?"

"Sadly, the nature of children is to grow and surpass those who raised them." I peeked out from behind Irving, and saw them both smiling. "And what of you, Wynne?" Irving asked, changing the subject. "You're standing there, biting your lip again as you think of how to say something. You should change that habit."

"Irving, we've known each other since we were teens," Wynne laughed gently, smiling warmly. "You should know it's not changing anytime soon." Still, she straightened, looking Irving in the eye. "I do have a request, though." Irving nodded, though Knight-Commander Greagoir frowned a little, a knowing look in his eye. Did he already know what Wynne wanted? "I would like to be granted leave to follow them." Wait, really?!

"Wynne…" Though Knight-Commander Gregoir just sighed, Irving looked a little startled. "We need you here, though." Ah, right. Wynne was a powerful healer. "The Circle needs you."

"I think, considering things, Fereldan might need me more, Irving. Think of how horrible it would be to survive this, and then die by the Blight." Irving made a face and Wynne smiled. "Besides, old friend, the Circle has you. You're not leaving it just yet."

"That is hardly fair, playing to my pride."

"It's worked in the past." Wynne giggled and Irving sighed. Knight-Commander Greagoir just watched everything stoically. "I also think they need my assistance." She nodded to me. "Layla will stress herself ill trying to take care of everyone as the only healer in her group." She shrugged. "I also think they will be in need of shoulders to rest on, and advice to give. I do have some wisdom." This was true. "Besides, they're running themselves completely ragged."

"I see the pointed look," Nuada immediately deadpanned. He playfully scowled at her, shifting to stand a little more properly "Why look at me?"

"Because you're pretty high up there on the list of 'people who are very scarred and messed up in the head'?" Leliana instantly teased, giggling.

I burst into another bit of laughter at Nuada's retort. "Hi, kettle. I'm pot. Yes, I'm aware we're both black." Nuada paused before sighing. "That sounds a bit wrong that way." I supposed. Like me, Nuada and Leliana were pale in skin tone, though unlike me, neither seemed to freckle. "You get my meaning.

"Yes, yes." Leliana was still giggling. "Her point still stands." I nodded for emphasis. "See?"

"Alack, alay! Fair Layla, why have you forsaken me too?" I laughed again, glad to hear him being dramatic again. It was soothing, after everything we had seen. …Was that why he acted that way? "To be serious, though, we really would welcome Wynne's aid. She's right in that Layla is the only healer, and the only other person who can give substantial advice about the situation is rather… taciturn." Was he talking about Sten?

"Very well," Irving sighed. He gave Wynne an exasperated look. "Here I thought you had outgrown that adventuring streak." Wynne just chuckled, smiling. "I give leave, but remember to come home again, Wynne."

"I always do, Irving," Wynne reassured. She bowed a little to him. "Farewell. And, by the Maker, actually get some bedrest."

"Then we'll be off," Nuada noted, pushing off from the pillar. He looked at Leliana and me, waiting for something. I nodded, thinking he might be checking if I had any unfinished business. I did not. Neria was the only other person I would want to say goodbye too, and she was still unconscious. "Send a message when you're recovered, along with some tactical suggestions based on the training you have." Wait, what?

"It's nice to see my templars will be directed by someone with training in strategy," Knight-Commander Greagoir sighed, speaking at last. Nuada's face temporarily blanked before reverting to the smile, too quick for anyone to really notice unless they had happened to be watching him right then. "I'm assuming you won't need a templar to sail the boat?"

"No, I'll have Leliana help me navigate any areas I can't since I've not quite yet adapted to the lack of depth perception." Nuada bowed a little, respectfully. "Farewell."

The group split up then, the meeting over. However, as I moved to follow Nuada and Leliana, I noticed something I thought strange. Though Irving had already limped off, Knight-Commander Greagoir had caught Wynne by the arm, ducking his head to talk quietly with her. Curious despite myself, I tiptoed closer, wondering what I could overhear.

"…You once yelled at me, for choosing the Circle over…" I heard her murmur. He flinched, looking away. "I simply… don't want to make that mistake twice. And it was a mistake. I'm proud of what I accomplished, but you were right. There had been another choice, and I should have…" She shook her head. "Regardless…"

"I shouldn't have yelled." His voice was quiet. "Back then. I shouldn't have. I knew important the Cirlce was to you, and you knew about how important the Templars were to me. I am still mad at… well, I shouldn't have yelled. Maybe we were both too young, back then."

"Yes, I think so." She smiled gently at him. "Still, the job suits you well. This is a good Circle, unlike the Gallows." He smiled wryly back. "Farewell, Greagoir. As always, I wish you happiness."

"And I, you. Stay safe, Wynne." And they walked past each other, not looking back once.

Wynne looked a little startled to see me, but she smiled gently. "Sorry, were you waiting for me?" she asked. I simply nodded, not wanting to tell her what I'd heard. I could ask later, when her smile wasn't so bittersweet. "Let's go, then."

Nodding again, I walked with her wordlessly, going to meet Nuada and Leliana, already outside. I paused at the doorway, though, and looked back. I studied the walls, the people scrambling about, trying to make the wounded comfortable. This was home, yet it did not feel that way anymore. …No, that was not right. It was still home. I had simply stopped using it as a lifeli… no, a chain. I had stopped using it as a chain. It would always be my home, but I did not need it as I had before. I could keep myself safe, with my friends.

"Layla?" I turned back and saw Nuada holding out his hand to me. What made me stare was the fact it was his right hand. Perhaps it was simply out of habit of using it the most, but it did mean he was trusting his blindside to me, whether he realized it or not.

I took his hand without hesitation, gripping it firmly. He squeezed back reassuringly as he led me to the boats, helping me inside.

When I last left the Tower, I had assumed the day of my Harrowing would be my worst. I knew better, and I knew there were worst days ahead. But, as Nuada pushed the boat off the dock, as Leliana struck up a song, as Wynne helped Nuada navigate… I smiled. I smiled, because I knew, even though things would get worse before they got better, I was not alone. I was with my friends, and would reunite with the others soon.

Perhaps the Maker was not as cruel as I thought, if He blessed me with them.


Author's note: Before anyone asks, I did not make up that word. It's Russian (though I've also been told English has co-opted it?), and it means 'sentimental feeling you have for someone you once loved, but no longer do'. I will not tell you how long it took me to hunt down a word I'd wanted (I also am not certain on how to pronounce it), but its referencing both Layla and Wynne here. This chapter is Wynne's recruitment, but more importantly (imo), it's Layla moving forward, much like Cleon in his chapter. Layla's new clothes are based off the mage concept art. (For those wondering about Wynne and Greagoir, World of Thedas, Volume II heavily implies Greagor is Rhys's father.)

Next Chapter – Interlude, Loghain and Howe (sorry for two interludes so close together, but this is a cutsence. Because, guess what! We've completed two of the main quests!)