Chapter Three

Time Jump-Winter Break

Clary POV:

Today was my last day of school before break started and I couldn't wait to leave. My parents had gone to visit my brother a couple days ago, and told me they'd be gone until the new year. They said they wanted to take me but they didn't want me to miss any school, but I knew they just wanted to spend time with my brother. At least with him they could be the perfect family.

I was in the woods at my skate park when I heard leaves crunching behind me, when I turned around and saw Jace walking towards me.

"Thought I'd find you here." He made his way over to me and took a seat.

"And you found me. What's up?"

"I was just clearing my head. I haven't seen you in awhile. How's it going?"

"Oh you know, fancy parties, outlandish random vacations, being left home alone for Christmas. The usual."

"Where did your parents go?"

"They went to visit my brother in Texas. They have never been a fan of the cold, so any excuse to leave New York in December is good enough for them."

"That must suck."

"Well I get the house to myself, so I don't have to try and please my parents. So its not all bad." He let out a small laugh.

"Good thing you can find the bright side in every situation."

"I'm actually quite the pessimist. Hang around me for awhile, and I'll have you seeing the world in a whole new way."

"Why is that?" I shrug and let out a breath.

"Maybe one day you'll get that story out of me, but today is not that day my friend." He nods and we sit in silence for a while as we watch the snow fall.

"Well, I have to get going. I probably won't see you for a while. I hope you have a good Christmas Red. Don't miss you too much." He smirks at me and I can't help but laugh.

"Are you always this cocky?"

"Confident Red, not cocky. There is a huge difference."

"You have a good Christmas too." I can't help but notice his eyes light up.

"Oh I will. Lying on the beautiful beaches of Mexico with a bunch of hot chicks. Who can complain?" He looks extremely happy but I can't help but feeling a little unhappy with his comment. I quickly push the feeling away.

"Don't let it get to your head. Your ego doesn't need a boost." He laughs and waves goodbye. I stay there for a couple hours until I no longer can feel my fingers. I make it back to my house and I can't help but shake the feeling of never being good enough for anyone. I wasn't good enough for Sebastian, I sure as hell will never be good enough for Jace, and I'm not even good enough for my own parents. I grab my unused razor and take the blade out and I make several more cuts. The pain doesn't even faze me anymore.

Christmas rolls around and I'm feeling more alone than ever. I've been in this house for the past two weeks without any contact from the outside world, and the thoughts are becoming even harder to push away. It's Christmas Eve and I'm getting ready for bed when I run out of toothpaste. I sigh and go to my parent's bathroom to get more. When I open the medicine cabinet and I see a bottle of pills for my fathers heart condition. Before I even know what I'm doing I dump a pile of them in my hand and downed them faster than I can even register what's happening. I start walking back to my room when I start feeling dizzy, and before I know it I'm hitting the floor and everything went black.

Time Jump-A Week After Christmas

Jace POV:

We just got back from Mexico and I was nothing but smiles. So many hot chicks, and I never had to spend a night alone. There was absolutely nothing to complain about, I had an awesome Christmas. I walked into the kitchen for breakfast and I saw Robert reading the paper. I always liked to keep up on current events, and living in New York there was always some interesting story to read up on.

"Anything interesting happened while we were away?" I asked as I grabbed the orange juice.

"The governors daughter attempted suicide." I almost dropped the jug of orange juice; I was completely and utterly shocked.

"When?" I tried to keep my voice as normal as possible but I just couldn't believe Clary would do that.

"Christmas morning. Her parents are keeping the details under wraps. There has been no press release done, and nobody really knows her so there isn't much information on what her mental state was, plus she was home alone. They're lucky they came back. According to a friend of mine they weren't suppose to come home until the New Year, she would have been dead by then."

"That's horrible." Mayrse states. "I wonder why she did it."

"I don't know, but her life can't be that hard. I mean, have you seen their house? It's huge." I can't listen to anymore, I feel like I'm about to be sick. I excuse myself and make my way back up to my room. I couldn't believe what happened.

When school started up again there were rumors flying all around. Some are as far fetched as she was pregnant and was to embarrassed to get an abortion to it not being suicide it was an attempted murder. I knew I couldn't believe anything unless I heard it from Clary herself. Going to different school made it nearly impossible to know the truth, so I had to go to the next best thing: Simon.

We had our annual Lightwood family dinners and Simon was invited. It was my only chance at getting any information out of him and not knowing what happened to Clary was driving me insane. Dinner seemed to take forever, and all I could focus on was getting Simon alone and getting information. After another 45 minutes dinner was finally over and I was so relieved. Everyone was getting up and clearing the table and to took Simon by the elbow and dragged him upstairs.

"What the hell Jace?" Simon whisper yelled and I let him go.

"I need to talk to you."

"About?"

"Clary."

"Why do you want to know about Clary?"

"Because I have no way of getting close to her to find out what the hell happened over Christmas."

"Why do you care?"

"She's my friend."

"Since when?"

"Since her party at the beginning of senior year. We just seem to understand each other, but I have no way of reaching her. Do you happen to know anything about it?"

"She only came to school for one day after break was over. I haven't seen her since, but in one of our classes a teacher asked and her only explanation was that she took to many sleeping pills and didn't realize. She told her that she never even thought about suicide, that her life was too amazing to ever leave it. Everyone seemed to believe her."

"But not you."

"There was something in her voice, like she was not only trying to convince the teachers and the students, but also herself. I know I don't know her well enough, but it just sounded off. But she stopped coming to school. I haven't seen her in a couple weeks."

"Thanks Simon." He nodded and went to join the others downstairs. I went to my room not really wanting to be around the others. If I knew anything about Clary is was that she didn't feel that way about her life at all. If anything she kind of disliked her lifestyle. I figured tomorrow I would take a walk and stop by the skate park hoping that she would be there. By the time I looked over at my clock it was already past midnight. I got ready for bed but couldn't seem to turn my brain off from thinking about Clary.

By the time I woke up I don't even remember falling asleep. I look out my window and it's lightly snowing. I look at my clock and it's almost 10. I get up and get dressed, and I make my way around town for my walk. By the time I make it to the skate park I'm fairly cold but I needed to at least talk to Clary. I make my way over to the skate park I see I small figure sitting on the edge of the bowl. I make my way over to her and take a seat next to her. She doesn't even look up at me.

"Long time no see." I say trying to decrease the tension in the air.

"Cut the bullshit Jace. I know why you're here." She says and she sounds so cold and distant. I realized that the only way I was going to get anything out of her was by being straight forward.

"Why did you do it?"

"Cause who wants to live in a world where I can't even wear what I want to? Who wants to live in a world where I can't eat the food I want? Who wants to live in a world where I don't even have friends who care enough about me? Although I wouldn't want to any of those kids to be my friend. Every single one of them wants something from me. None of them actually like me."

"I doubt that's true."

"Really? Cause Sebastian wanted to date me because I'm so amazing and fun to be around. Cause Aline wants to have sleepovers and go to the mall because she loves my company. Cause Maia, or Jordan, or Mark, or Emma, or Julian or anyone else in that god forsaken place wants to be my friend because they actually like me. Or because they want to keep me company when I'm so incredibly lonely that the only thing I can think about doing is killing myself."

"You always have me."

"Yea, except for when I don't. Jace we've hung out a handful of times, and we go months without seeing each other or talking. That's not a friendship, it's an acquaintanceship. Don't dilute yourself into thinking it's more. You don't even know me, and if you did, you wouldn't like me."

"How can you be so sure? You don't open up to me."

"You're practically a stranger Jace. Why would I open up to a stranger?"

"I don't know. Maybe because you need someone."

"I'm fine on my own. Have been my whole life."

"Is that so? Than tell me Clarissa, why did you try to kill yourself?"

"Because cutting isn't enough anymore!" She practically yelled and I was taken aback. "Because when I slice through my skin with a razor blade I feel absolutely nothing but the blood running down my leg. Because every single night I can still feel his hands on me. I can still hear the things he would whisper in my ear. I can still smell his scent on my things. I can't escape him. Even from six feet under he's still haunting me." I have no idea what to do so I just put my arm around her shoulder and pull her close. She leans her head on my chest and cries. After about 15 minutes she finally starts to calm down. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to tell you my darkest secret."

"When?" Is the only thing I can manage to say.

"When I was six. My parents were out of town and my brother was at a football camp for the week. He volunteered to babysit me. I didn't even know what was going on the first time. I was asleep when he crawled into my bed."

"How long?"

"Until I was 10."

"How did he die?"

"Car accident."

"Who?"

"My uncle." She looked at me and I wiped the tears from her cheeks.

"I'm so sorry. Did he ever…" I wanted to finish the question by the words seemed to be caught in my throat.

"Rape me?" I nod. "No. He was waiting until I was older. He didn't want to hurt me. He thought I was too small to be able to handle him. So even if he didn't die I'm afraid I would have never been able to satisfy him. I was about this small when I was 10, give or take an inch or two. But he touched me, and rubbed me, and kissed me. Those nights were the longest."

"Why didn't you tell your parents?"

"He threatened me. Told me if I said anything it would get worse. Or that nobody would believe a six year old kid." She took a deep breath. "He hit me once. I locked my door, hoping that it would stop him, but he found the key. I never did that again." I nod; I had no idea what to say. She leaned her head on my shoulder and we stayed silent for a while. I figured if she had been this open with me, I would give her something in return, to let her know she can trust me.

"My last name isn't Lightwood." Her head instantly left my shoulder and she looked at me.

"What?"

"My last name isn't Lightwood. It's Herondale."

"Why didn't you correct me that night at the party?"

"Everyone just assumes Lightwood is my last name because I will with Izzy and Alec. I was adopted when I was 10."

"What happened to your parents?"

"My mom died giving birth, and my father was murdered."

"That's awful."

"I was the star witness."

"Shit." I let out a small laugh, I enjoyed her responses, it was nice to hear something other than sorry.

"Yea. Robert was my lawyer, and after the trial he decided to take me in."

"That was really kind of him."

"Yea, after about two years they adopted me, and to keep people from asking questions they put Lightwood on all my paper work, but my name is still legally Jonathan Herondale."

"Jonathan?"

"Yea, Jace is just a nickname."

"How do you get Jace from Jonathan?"

"My middle name starts with a C. So my initials are J C and when I got to the Lightwoods they started calling me Jace, it just kinda stuck."

"I'm glad you found them."

"Me too. I don't know where I'd be without them." She nodded and put her head back on my shoulder. We sat like that for another hour before I felt her shiver.

"You should probably head home." She finally said as she lifted her head from my shoulder. "It's getting late, and colder. I don't want to be the reason you get sick."

"Okay, but will I see you around more often?"

"You know where to find me." I smile and get up. She follows my lead and we stand there for a little while.

"I'll see you around Clary."

"See you." She said and turned around to start walking home. I watched her for a little while until I started making my way home. This afternoon was incredibly eye opening but it felt good to know that she trusted me enough to tell me her darkest secret. And I made myself a silent promise that I wouldn't let her ever have to hold something in for so long that she thought her only way out was suicide.