Chapter 98) Dark Travels
Aiden POV
"How did you keep going?" I asked Alarith one day. He was drunk, and talking about his life as a slave in Tevinter. "With all that weighing down on you, how did you keep going?"
"I just focused on the goal, Aiden," he replied, voice slurring slightly. He was half-asleep, and there was no way he would remember this in the morning. I didn't blame him; it was the anniversary of his family's deaths. "One foot in front of the other. No way was I going to let the darkness behind me win. There was a light. I just… focused on it."
"That's it?"
"If you don't focus on your goal and get bogged down, you'll miss your chance." He smiled warmly. "That's all there is to it. If you're anxious, you'll miss your chance. You don't want that. I didn't… want that…" He nodded off then, passed out on the table.
I went and got him a blanket. He always stayed over at these times anyway.
A day and a half later, and still, nothing made sense. We had it confirmed, confirmed, that a Warden was going to die. No matter how much Riordan insisted the blow be his, I had my doubts. Practically everything had fallen to us. Why would this be anything different?
But… could I do it? Could I really watch one of my friends die? Could I really sacrifice myself, knowing what it would do to those left behind? Sure, we had the 'easy' route of Loghain dying, but at the same time, that felt too easy. I wanted him to live. I wanted him to live, and atone. Dying was easy; living was hard.
…My head hurt from all of this…
"Lad, if you scrunch up your face more, you're going to glare people to death." The chiding voice came from the one person in the world I didn't want to ever lecture me: Loghain. "Whatever is bothering you, you can't let it show," he told me. "That's a price of being a leader. Maric hid his feelings with sarcasm. Drove me up the wall, but I knew why he did it."
Much like Alistair hid his pain with sarcasm then. That was somehow amusing. "Sorry," I mumbled, glancing down. I really didn't want to talk to him. But, at the same time, was there anyone else to give advice? …Oghren, and Sten. Well, maybe not Sten. The Qunari were filled with 'purpose'. Oghren might be a good option. But Oghren also required me talking about it, and I didn't want to. That left me with just Loghain. Damn it all. "What do you think?"
"About?"
"What Riordan said."
"Ah, that." He fell silent, but I could tell he was giving it some very clear thought, so I just looked over everyone. We were still marching. So long as there was light, our army was going to march. Even if our feet bled. "I'm guessing your issue is that you feel as if you must sacrifice someone you know well."
"…Yes." I would suppose that was the heart of the matter. "Shows me for getting close to people, right?"
"No, you needed that, to survive." He shook his head. "Besides, I know the names of every person I left behind at Ostagar. Every single one of them." He looked right at me, eyes calm, but pained. "That, more than anything, is something you need to hold onto when you become a leader, Aiden. That helps you really think about whether or not you need to make the sacrifice."
"Like you did at Ostagar."
"I will maintain, forever, that my decision there was the best that I could have made at the time, for the sake of the people under my command. No one else has to agree with it." And that was the main thing he was telling me. I just had to make the decision I could live with. Even if the whole world screamed otherwise. Because I didn't have to live with 'the whole world'. I had to live with me. "Now, then, to go to your actual issue… might be best to stop fretting over it." What. "The choice might never be in your hands, Aiden. Every single soldier has their own ideas, their own choices. Same to your friends. Flames, probably especially them." He shook his head. "You cannot keep fretting over what could happen, Aiden. If you keep fretting, you'll lose your chance to make the decision at all." …Ha… "All of you lot are too damned skilled and kind for your age. What's likely going to happen is that one of you will seize the chance, and go for it."
"You're not very happy about that thought, are you?"
"Lad, I'm hoping you lot will just let the old men die so that you young people can live. Even if it's the easy way out, I feel like it's a better alternative than letting you all die, especially when I am the reason why there's not a bunch of choices for the matter." He sighed. "I just know Nuada. Boy was always a little broken by what duty required of him. Might take the same mentality now." That was indeed a thought. "I can take a guess at the rest of you. You're too damned used to doing everything alone. You can't even consider the possibility anymore." You know; I wasn't sure how much I liked that he could read my thoughts. "I taught Elspeth a thing or two about reading people, and stoic as you are, there are some clear signs. I remember feeling the same, once the rebellion ended."
I just looked up at the sky and groaned. "Mind telling me what they are?"
"Of course. You need a way to be kept on your toes."
"Damn it, Loghain."
"Um… is now a good time?" Both of us twisted at the voice, and I smiled as Mistress Layla walked up. "I can wait, if needed," she murmured. I thought it strange she was here. She had been fussing over Morrigan all morning. Perhaps Morrigan chased her away? "Um…" Right, answer her, now.
"I think I answered Aiden's question as well as I can," Loghain replied. He glanced at me, and I nodded. "What is it, lass?"
"Well, it is two things." She closed her eyes, and took a steadying breath. "The first thing is a thank you." It was hilarious how his expression completely blanked. "I couldn't remember if I thanked you or not for the reassurance you gave me at Ostagar. That helped steady me enough to survive, ultimately. So, I wanted to thank you." She opened her eyes, and I saw what she left unsaid in them. 'I do not know what to think of you, but I wanted to say that.' "The second thing is that Nuada suggested you had a good idea for how to best set up an infirmary? Wynne and I were working on plans earlier."
"Ah, yes, there was a set up from the rebellion that Rowan crafted. I'll swear to this day it cut our losses in half…" He and Mistress Layla fell into talks, and I fell back. I had enough to think on, and I wasn't sure how much I liked that I had gotten some good advice from him.
So, instead, I decided to take care of something that had been bothering me. Cleon was hiding something. He had been hiding something when Riordan revealed to us the terrible secret. I knew it. Mistress Layla knew it. Lord Nuada knew it. And I knew Cleon knew we knew. In fact, he did not even look surprised when I fell in step with him. He simply looked and waited for me to decide the conversation.
I decided, for both of our sakes, to just jump into it. 'You are hiding something,' I signed, but did not speak. This was our conversation. I didn't want anyone but someone in our group to even have a chance at eavesdropping.
'Yes,' he signed back immediately. He shook his head. 'I have complex feelings over it, and I do not know how to explain.' His eyes were sad. 'That is all.'
'Does anyone know?'
'Elspeth.' He immediately made a face. 'Stubborn thing, just as always.' I had a feeling he also told her because, whatever this was, she was a 'neutral party'. It was hard to be offended. We were all feeling the strain. 'She noticed something was wrong and prodded until I slipped up. Reminds me of my twin.'
'When will you tell us?' I knew he would, eventually.
'Either when my head is in order, or when an explanation is required. Whichever comes first.' He sighed, shaking his head. 'I am sorry. This is not the time to be keeping secrets, I know.'
'Cleon, relax.' I grasped his shoulder warmly. 'It is okay. Well, mostly.' I gave him a stern look. 'I am not certain I much like you going into a fight with your head muddled.'
'Oh, I am not that muddled.' He waved his hand reassuringly. 'I just do not know how to explain, because when I think of the explanation, my emotions go out of order.' And that was the main issue. Whatever he was hiding, it hurt him. 'I will be fine during the fight. I promise.'
'I will hold you to that.' I smiled and he smiled back. 'Go bother someone to cheer up.'
'Wynne seems like a good target. I can bother her about griffons!' His smile flashed into a grin, and he left, probably to do just that.
Shaking my head with a little laugh, I glanced around, and saw Zevran watching me. He winked and waltzed over as soon as he realized he had been caught.
"No, no, no," he teased, shaking his head. "You are not supposed to see me gazing longingly at you." Though he still smiled, his eyes turned serious. "Well, worryingly is probably a better description. You have been most tense lately." Of course he knew. We shared a tent. "So, what troubles you? Come, come, I am certain that with my handsomeness and wit, we can at least make a joke out of-"
"The archdemon requires a sacrifice," I blurted. His blank expression told me that he hadn't been expecting… well, I think he hadn't expected me to be so brutally honest there. "That sacrifice… might have to be me."
"I see." He closed his eyes and nodded. "Well…" He reached up to gently caress my cheek. "I think I'll bet on you surviving anyway. How's that?"
"…If you're sure."
"Not really. But, this is new territory for me too." He smiled softly and leaned up to kiss me. "Relax, and focus on what is here, mi amor. Just do that, and I'm sure to win my bet."
…Yes. The battle. Everything would be pointless if we lost it. I just… had to focus… somehow…
Author's notes: So, a travel chapter! Last of them, really. Slowly crawling to the climax, everyone.
Next Chapter – Interlude, Armies (second to last interlude)
