Chapter Two Summary:

After returning from the disastrous 19th expedition, Commander Shadis and the top two Squad Leaders head to Mitras to explain themselves to the council and try to salvage whatever favour the Survey Corps still has.

Levi tries his best to get back into a normal routine, all while multiple horrors still lay fresh in his mind.

Chapter Three

It was the first day after the expedition and the soldiers were back to their regular duties. The first thing Mike had their squad do was go out and care for their horses. Immediately after breakfast, the four of them headed for the stables, where several other squads were doing the same thing. The horses had already been cared for last night by the stable hands, and fed this morning, but today was the day to give them a thorough check for health and fitness, and otherwise pamper them.

Levi took a little longer than was strictly necessary to groom his horse. He had complained about the smell of the stables earlier – because if he was being honest, they really did literally smell like shit – but it actually didn't bother him all that much whenever he was out here. Perhaps it was because there was also the scent of wood, and freshly cut grass, and leather, and horse. Then the breeze would come in through the front door, with a woodsy scent of damp earth, trees, and flowers, and it was even better.

It smelled open out here, like the outdoors. This was what he had longed for in the Underground.

He leaned his forehead against his mare's neck and breathed in, inhaling that musky, horsey smell. He felt a bit weird doing it, but he liked the smell, maybe because he liked his horse.

When Levi, Furlan and Isabel first joined the Survey Corps, they were given their own horses, just like any other soldiers. Since the soldiers new from the Training Corps had already been signed up a few weeks earlier, the best horses had already been assigned, and the five or so next best had been brought back from the farm, only for Flagon to comment that they weren't up to par. He couldn't prove it, but Levi suspected that their being criminals had played a part in the three of them being given cheaper horses.

Levi had not known jack squat about horses, so he had simply gravitated towards what he thought was the prettiest one, which was the only one which was not brown. She was black and long-legged, still very young. Isabel had spent far more time talking to the horse handler about the animals than he had, and had informed Levi that the reason his mare was "not up to par" was because she spooked more easily than the others and was overly sensitive when she was being groomed or having her hooves picked.

Soldiers were given the opportunity to name their own horses, which would be theirs to keep while they stayed with the Corps. Since she had stood out to him for her colour, Levi had wanted to name her after that. After the conversation he had had with Furlan and Isabel under the stars that one evening, he had asked his friends for words they would use to describe the night sky, and one that Isabel had said had stood out to him, just enough like a cute pet name to work, and descriptive enough too.

He had named his horse Dusky; he had decided on it last night. And now that she had a name, they were sticking together.

When they had entered the stables this morning, one of the stable hands had asked if he wanted a new horse. They had lost a lot of horses in the last expedition, but of course, they had lost a lot more people, so that meant those horses were available to take. And as the stable hand was aware, Levi's horse, unlike those up for grabs, was "not up to par."

Levi had levelled a harsh glare at the stable hand until Mike had stepped over, ushering Levi inside.

Now Levi grabbed Dusky's reins and led her outside, where the rest of the squad was waiting.

"You were in there a while," Emil said.

"She tries to kick me when I touch her hooves," Levi admitted. "It takes me a while."

"Sure you're doing it right?" Emil asked.

"I think so. They said she was sensitive about that."

"Mount up, guys," Mike said, and they did.

They walked around the fenced yard in circles, then worked up to a trot. There were exercises where they moved in figure eights, or wove between poles and jumped short hurdles, all while someone else watched them closely to observe all the horses' gait and behaviour.

After that, they took their mounts in to relieve them of their tack. The horses had worked up a sweat, so they took them to the wash rack to rinse them off. A lot of other people were around today, bathing their horses. One man next to Levi was… shampooing his horse's tail? Yes, he definitely was. And he was talking to the horse, too.

"We're gonna make you all pretty, aren't we?"

It wasn't very loud in here, despite all the people – they generally avoided being too raucous in the barns – but there was a constant murmur of friendly chatter and people sweet-talking to the animals. There was something nice about it, about all these people just focusing on their horses, caring for them, and spoiling them.

But all the chit chat just made him feel more out of place. Levi's mood, so high this morning, took a sudden nosedive.

Levi was wiping Dusky down with a cloth to get rid of excess water when Mike came by and said, "Just bring her out to the field when you're done."

Levi nodded at him and finished up as quickly as she would allow. She did not like it when he tried to towel her legs, so he backed off. "Ok then, let's go outside. You can dry off in the sun," he said, slipping her rope from the post and beginning to lead her outside. Then he realised he was talking to his horse, too.

Well, he wasn't using baby talk. So it was different.

Outside, someone's bay, who looked to be newly washed, was rolling on the dusty ground while her owner looked on in disappointment.

"Oh, you would do that."

"I told you. She does that every time if you don't dry her off enough. The dust helps her dry."

Levi ignored them and lead Dusky over to where Mike was waiting for him by the fence, hoping that Dusky wasn't about to pull the same thing and embarrass him.

When the horses were left to enjoy the sunny day, Mike brought the squad back to clean their tack, and then to pick up their gear from maintenance. They had lunch before they had to go back outside, then it was stretches and more drills, first on the ground and then in the air. This was what Levi liked most about being in the Survey Corps: using his gear to zip through the air from post to post, hitting every target, knowing that he could outperform even the professional soldiers who were watching from below.

For one peaceful moment, Levi forgot about everything. He was back in his element, and he was happy.

Then he caught a glimpse of one of the wooden titan cut outs, and stiffened, just enough to stumble on his landing. He took a second to balance himself on the tree branch he was perched on and then scowled in annoyance. Absolutely nothing could be done to preserve his good mood, it seemed.

For about the fifth time that day, Levi contemplated leaving, and how he would do it. There were a few ways he could go about it. He could just sneak off, but that seemed like more work than it was worth. Even if Erwin was willing to let him go, other people might question him if they saw him in public after just skipping out, and he would almost certainly run into someone from here eventually, since he was not going back to the Underground. He would have to wait, anyway, to get the documentation he needed to live legally on the surface, which would be preferable to illegally. He had no idea how long that would take, but figured it would be a while; they would probably need to get him a pardon.

He could just say that he wanted to quit, but Erwin might not be willing to keep his side of the bargain if Levi wasn't going to, so Levi would still have to wait. In the end, Levi decided that regardless of whether he wanted to stay, he had to stick around for a short while and avoid getting himself in trouble.

Levi shot a hook into a nearby tree and swung down off the tree branch to the ground. Hopefully this exercise would be over soon. His gear was clearly fine. From the looks of it, no one else was having trouble with theirs, and Mike had said this would be a short training session.

Emil was the first one to return to the ground after Levi. He didn't approach Levi, instead casting his gaze up to where some other soldiers were practising their own aerial maneuvers above them. Levi watched as one of them made a very hard landing, almost tripping. Then Mike and Sophie were both swinging down to where Emil stood.

They were talking amongst themselves again. Levi felt like it would be expected for him to rejoin his squad, so he walked over before Mike had an opportunity to tell him to, but it was awkward, in the same way approaching a group of strangers at a restaurant and sitting at their table unannounced would be awkward. They stopped talking when he was next to them.

"I think we're about done for the day," Mike said after a quick glance around. "Any issues?"

The other two silently shook their heads, and so Levi just did the same. Mike gave him a longer look. "Thought I saw you make a stumble out there."

"That wasn't the gear," Levi said truthfully.

Mike was slow to respond. "Ok." It seemed he wasn't concerned enough to press the issue, as he was soon bringing them back in and giving them free leave for the rest of the afternoon. It was a bit earlier than usual, but Levi figured Mike was keeping things short and easy because everyone was still tired after the expedition. Personally, Levi was grateful for the chance to be alone for a bit.

As the four of them made their way back to the barracks, they took the main walkway at the front, where a carriage was just pulling up. Mike stopped upon seeing it, although Emil and Sophie kept walking. Levi, curious, paused to see what Mike was waiting for, and saw the door open and a step lower only for Commander Shadis to make his way out.

Someone else exited the carriage after Shadis, and Levi was surprised it was someone he didn't recognise, because he had thought it would be Erwin. This man looked to be a little older than Erwin, and of average height and build. He had a hard, squarish look to him from his wide, straight shoulders and perfect posture, and his features were all harsh angles and straight lines: he had a very strong chin, straight nose, and high cheekbones, and his dark hair was brushed back from a slight widow's peak.

This man looked around the courtyard and nodded at Mike with the kind of slowness that came from deep exhaustion. His eyes looked tired. His cheeks and chin had the slightest shadow of a beard, though that was probably from how dark his hair was more than from lack of shaving; still, it gave the impression that he had just woken up. Although he was wearing a Survey Corps uniform, Levi was certain now that he had never seen this man.

Then Erwin stepped out of the carriage, a folder full of papers under one arm. Unlike his companions, Erwin looked wide awake, with not a hint of a shadow under his eyes and every blond hair in place. Of course. Levi sometimes found Erwin's perfection insufferable.

Levi was about to turn and head back inside to enjoy his free time in peace when Erwin's eyes locked with his. Levi froze a second too long to pretend he hadn't seen, and Erwin raised one hand in a sort of wave.

Levi returned the gesture without thinking. But then Erwin turned to Shadis and was speaking to him, and Levi made his retreat. He had had enough awkwardness for one day.

Levi made a beeline for his and Furlan's room, intending to clean up a bit more while the bathroom was less occupied. He grabbed his bag of toiletries and a change of clothes, then went to the bathroom.

It was mostly empty, but Levi did hear one man make an annoyed remark about "that gangster still being around," when he saw Levi walk in. Levi turned to see that there were multiple people at the sinks and mirror on the other side of the room, though they were all looking the other way, so he didn't know which one had spoken. "Fuck you," he said, although even he had to admit that there was little energy to it, not even knowing who he was saying it to.

After he had washed himself, combed his hair, and taken the opportunity to shave that he had missed this morning, Levi put on his clean clothes and soon found himself wandering aimlessly. There wasn't much to do here, and he didn't feel like socialising. For as much as he had looked forward to having time to himself, he realised that without his friends to talk to, he didn't have anything to do with that time.

If he was just going to walk around doing nothing, he may as well spend his time lying down on his own bed instead. With that thought in mind, he had turned to the stairs when he heard someone call out, "Is a 'Levi' here?"

He stopped and looked over his shoulder, though he didn't answer right away.

"That's 'Levi!' Someone named Sophie is asking for you."

Wondering what this could be about, Levi walked over to the front door, where the voice was coming from. There were two people standing next to the open doorway. There was a man, who must have opened the door, and next to him was Sophie, who carried an open-topped box under one arm.

For the first time, Levi really studied her. Sophie wore her long brown hair loose right now, and was in casual clothes. She had heavy-lidded eyes and low brows that often gave her a dark expression. If Levi had disliked her, he may have described her face as 'naturally bitchy.' Instead, he just thought of it as intense. It did not really fit her personality, though.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Thanks," Sophie told the other man, who left them alone. She turned to Levi now. "Are you busy right now?"

"Not really. What do you want?"

"Uh…." She looked hesitant. "I wanted to know if… you wanted to get Isabel's things."

"What?"

"Your friend, Isabel Magnolia. Her roommate already vacated the room. Erwin asked me to gather her personal effects for you, but I feel a bit weird going through her stuff. I thought maybe you'd want to get it yourself."

For a moment, Levi wasn't sure what to say. Sophie must have interpreted his silence poorly, because she quickly continued, "If you'd rather I just get it, of course –"

"No." The thought of strangers sorting through Furlan or Isabel's things was off-putting. Normally, the thought of anyone going through their things would be off putting. Maybe he would find things they wouldn't have wanted him to see. He had already seen all of Furlan's stuff. Furlan had a notebook full of embarrassing doodles that Levi hadn't known about and a folder of dirty pictures – really dirty pictures – he'd kept in his bed that had had Levi shaking his head. Levi had no idea what kinds of things he might see in a teenage girl's room. But at least it was Levi seeing it, someone who knew and cared about them, not someone who had never known them, just trying to clear out a room. "I'll do it. Thanks."

"Come on, then. They'll give you trouble going into the women's barracks if you go alone." The two of them left and walked the short distance from the men's barracks to the women's next door. Sophie held the door open for him and he walked in.

A group of women sat at a table in the main room, playing a card game. A few of them turned to look when Sophie and Levi walked through the front door, and one of them continued to stare, a huge grin suddenly breaking out over her face.

"Damn, Sophie. You know, if you're going to try sneaking a guy upstairs, at least don't bring him in through the front door."

"Yeah," piped in a slightly older woman, with heavily scarred forearms and jet black hair cut in a cute bob. "That's what the door at the back of the laundry room's for."

There was some chuckling. "I'm not sneaking him upstairs," Sophie argued, sounding oddly defensive. "We're just here to get something."

"Oh yeah? Where you going?" asked the older woman.

For whatever reason, Levi felt like being difficult, so he spoke up. "Upstairs."

"Levi!"

There was more laughter. Sophie looked momentarily at a loss for words. Then, "Like I said, we're just getting someone's things."

"Pity," mumbled the woman with the black bob. "He's kinda cute." Her voice was quiet, and may not have been meant for their ears, but a sudden drop in the laughter left her words more audible than they should have been.

"Squad Leader!" Sophie sounded mortified. She gave Levi an awkward glance, and he thought he might understand. She wasn't embarrassed about the teasing, but that he was hearing it.

"What will Emil say?" somebody else asked.

Sophie spoke up again. "He's here to get Isabel's things. The new recruit who…"

She didn't have to say it. Died. A sombre mood quickly swept the table.

"That's ok, right? If he comes in?"

The woman with the bob, who was a Squad Leader – had Levi heard that correctly? – gave a slight frown, looking chagrined. "Sure."

They made their way upstairs. Sophie checked the hall first to make sure no one was there, at which Levi nearly rolled his eyes. Now it really did feel like she was sneaking him in. He said so.

"I've got to make sure no one's indecent in here," she said, opening the door to the hall.

"You ladies walk around in the hallways half-naked? Weird, it's not like that in the men's barracks at all."

She gave him a hard look before opening one of the bedroom doors and ushering him in. "Interesting. You do have a sense of humour."

"What do you mean?"

She stepped inside after him and shut the door. "You were such a hardass the few times I've been around you, I was starting to think you didn't."

To avoid any further examination of his character, Levi refrained from pointing out that she hadn't been around him much. She had only seen Levi when Erwin had first captured him and his friends in the Underground and then after Furlan and Isabel died. Instead, he turned to a topic that might be pushing his luck, but whatever. "What were they saying about Emil?"

"I don't know. Here." She handed him the box she had brought with them. "That's so you can carry everything."

"Thanks. Trying to change the subject?"

"You don't really want to talk about Emil and me when you're picking up your friend's stuff, do you?"

He shot a question back. "You're not really going to sit here and watch me pick up her dirty clothes, are you?"

"Guys aren't usually allowed in here, so I feel I shouldn't leave you unattended."

"Worried I might spy on the shower room?" He turned from the door to the small room before him. "Fine, do what you want."

Sophie pulled up a stool next to the door and sat down facing the wall, looking deep in thought. He appreciated that she wasn't trying to make small talk.

The room was pretty messy, which Levi was not surprised to see. He had no doubt that Isabel was constantly being forced to pick up after herself, but she always managed to make a mess so quickly, all it would have taken was the morning before the expedition for her to do this. Her bed was made – sloppily – but there was stuff strewn across it. Her hair things took up much of the desk, and her brush had fallen on the floor, not picked up. Levi pitied the woman who had had to room with her.

Levi used a sweep of his arm to quickly scoop everything on the desk into the box, then bent for the brush. He saw more clothes under the bed, so he went for those next.

There was a pile of dirty clothes under her bed. Of course there was. At least a dozen pairs of socks, a training bra, and multiple sweaty shirts awaited him. He felt his nose wrinkle at the sight of the thongs. He remembered a long argument over these things.

"You're too young to be wearing those."

"Oh, come on. I'm thirteen!"

"Exactly."

"If I don't wear them, you can see underwear lines in these tights."

"If any guy here is looking at your butt long enough to notice your underwear lines, then he's got an upcoming meeting with my fist."

"You were obviously paying attention if you noticed."

"How could I not notice when they're sticking out over the top of your pants? Which is not a good look, by the way, but if you decide on that when you're older, it'll be none of my business."

"That's just because I bent to pick something up –"

"You're never going to have to bend in public? You better change before we leave. I'm not letting you go out like that."

"That is so totally sexist! I bet if I were a boy, you wouldn't be telling me how to dress myself."

"If you were a boy, you wouldn't be wearing those. But if you tried to pull something like that douchey half-open shirt look that's so popular right now, you bet your ass I'd be telling you to dress better."

"Furlan. Can you tell him to mind his own fucking business?" Isabel had turned to the other man, looking for a supporter.

Furlan's only response? "Watch your language."

Levi swallowed, his throat feeling uncomfortably tight. No. He wasn't going to do this right now, with Sophie right here. In fact, he wasn't going to do this ever.

The clothes on top of the bed were soon in the box as well. On top of the bedside table was a bottle of perfume that he recognised. She had been so finicky about this. Everyone in the Underground wore perfumes, since the deodorant sold down there was not that great, but Isabel had spent forever finding one that was neither too masculine, nor too flowery, because she didn't do flowery or girly.

He had never really thought about it before, but it seemed funny to him now that the same girl who had bemoaned the fact she was still in training bras and insisted on her right to wear thongs had worried about her perfume being "too girly." What a contradictory girl.

Levi was getting distracted.

He supposed he'd have to check the drawer, since the room was being cleared out. This was something he had dreaded. Drawers were private. They were where people kept things they didn't want other people to see. She had been fiercely protective over her drawers in their house, and Levi had respected the privacy, so he didn't know what he'd find.

Levi finally relented and opened the drawer, then frowned in confusion. He had been expecting women's hygiene products, or a diary, maybe even lingerie knowing her weird penchant for sexy undergarments (her insistence that the things were for practical purposes be damned). Instead, once he'd dug past the knick-knacks and a drawing Furlan had done for her, Levi had to pause to figure out what –

Levi had never blushed before in his life. It seemed like something that happened a lot in fiction, but didn't really happen much in real life. But now he felt it, the heat rising from his neck, to his ears and cheekbones. He stuffed the drawer's contents into the box, making sure to hide it under one of her shirts.

He was overcome with the simultaneous urges to laugh and bury his face in his hands, out of amusement, out of embarrassment, out of despair. He had so many conflicting emotions right now he wouldn't have been able to describe how he felt. He didn't even know how he was supposed to feel.

He stepped into Sophie's line of sight with the box in his arms.

"All done?"

"Yeah."

"Ok. Let's go."

They walked down the stairs together. Someone downstairs whistled as they came into view and Sophie gave an annoyed, "Honestly?"

"What's he doing in here? Wait, is that the new guy I've been hearing about?" There was an obviously fake scandalised gasp. "Why Sophie, he's only been in your squad for a day."

"I am so sorry," Sophie said to Levi. "I've mentioned you, but they don't really know about… what happened."

He wasn't sure why she was apologising to him. She was the one who had to room with them. He was amused that her friends all seemed convinced they had been fooling around.

"Did you actually do it?" the voice from downstairs continued. "I didn't think you'd take her advice that seriously."

Advice?

"Let me guess," Levi started. "You're so straight-laced that your friends are always on your ass to get laid in the hopes you'll relax for once." She gave him some serious side-eye. "You fit into Erwin's circle of friends perfectly."

"Is that what you think Erwin is like?" They were outside now. "I never really saw him that way."

"That just means you're worse than he is. Everybody here seems so uptight." He thought of the women making fun of Sophie just now. "Almost everybody. You don't want to be so tense all the time. Makes you constipated."

"Funny. Don't you worry about me. I'm perfectly happy." Her face had darkened into a blush from all the teasing. Levi took back that thought that it didn't happen much in real life. She certainly did not look happy right now.

That's just her bitch face, his mind supplied. That was right. Sophie was fine. She only looked to be miserable. She probably got questioned frequently about why she was so unhappy, even when she wasn't. Levi could relate.

"If you say so. Bye." He walked back to the men's barracks alone.

Levi intended to do what he'd been thinking of doing before Sophie had come over, which was mostly lie down in bed until dinner time rolled around. Once he'd closed the bedroom door, he felt a wave of relief. For a short time, he could shut the world out and have some privacy.

He felt jittery with emotion, in a way he wasn't used to anymore. His mood had swung back and forth all morning, and the visit to Isabel's room had topped it off perfectly. The tension built up in his stomach, making him feel like he wanted to laugh, but even as he thought that, the trembling in his lips and hands made him feel something else. He wanted to cry. He wanted to punch something.

Actually, what he really wanted was to feel nothing at all.

Realising that he hadn't taken anything for a while, Levi went to the back side of his bed and reached into the hole he'd cut in the mattress. How long had it been? Probably a while. They had been back for a day. But the expedition had lasted two days – no wait, three. He was actually surprised at just how long it had been, but the last few days had been total mayhem.

He sat down at the desk and opened the bag, quickly rifling through it. Mostly, it was empty tins, like the first one he pulled out. It still carried the scent of tobacco and a few crumbling brown pieces, but it had been empty for a while. Then he found the tin he wanted, popping it open to take out a small rock. He was lucky he had some left. Levi had still not figured out where he was going to get his hands on more while he waited around here for Erwin to finish his side of the bargain.

Maybe he could just make it last. He wasn't staying here forever, after all. At that moment, Levi felt pretty confident that he was, in fact, going to leave. Erwin flashed through his mind, his stupid perfect hair and that awkward wave. It irritated Levi. He wasn't going to stay here, where he was going to run into Erwin every day.

He drew his dagger from its sheath and cut the tiny rock in half. It had to last. Then he put one half away and began crushing up the rest.

Levi tried not to let his thoughts wander, but they did. As much as he tried to tell himself that he was staying in the Survey Corps for a reason, because Erwin had promised to grant him papers to let him live on the surface, and the possibility of a new life, it felt like he was doing it more by default. He was drifting right now, with nowhere to go, and nothing to do with his life. What else was he supposed to do? Could he even trust Erwin to keep his promise? Maybe not, but the sad thing was that he didn't have a better option. And as much as he disliked admitting it to himself, he probably could trust Erwin.

Probably, of course, was not definitely, but when Levi had trusted Erwin with his life on the expedition, Erwin had come through. Maybe he would do it again.

Levi had finished making a perfect line out of what was left of the rock, and was now tightly rolling up one of the pieces of paper he used for rolling cigarettes. He quickly snorted the line he'd made with the paper straw and sat back, hit with the urge to sneeze. Instead of doing that, he closed his eyes and scrunched up his nose until it passed. Then he slipped the paper back inside his bag and shoved that back into the mattress.

He lay back on his bed, waiting for it to kick in, and stared up at the top bunk above him. That inevitably made him think of Furlan, who had slept in that top bunk, so he closed his eyes instead and tried to think of nothing.

Twenty minutes later, Levi was up and about, feeling normal again for the first time in days. He had sorted through Isabel and Furlan's things, setting aside their dirty clothes and folding the rest. Everything the two of them owned fit into that small box easily, with room to spare. If Levi got himself killed, then whoever cleared out his room would be able to get all of Levi's things into that box along with theirs, no problem.

It was a strange thing to think about, and he felt a shadow of something underneath his general feeling of well-being, something that told him that their possessions all tucked away together like that was a pitiable thing, but the feeling was too far under the surface for him to fully grasp it. He gathered up their dirty clothes and took them to the laundry room to wash.

He didn't even know why he was doing this. There was not much purpose in washing clothes that were not going to be worn again, but he wasn't keeping dirty clothes next to his bed.

He used the time spent washing clothes to ponder his options again. Did he actually want to leave? Now he thought about it again, he wasn't sure. That might just be his good mood talking, but he had a roof over his head and food on the table here. He had been in worse situations. It was dangerous work, of course, but Levi was used to dangerous. It had been too dangerous for Furlan and Isabel, but even still he had no doubts he could handle it. Furlan and Isabel had been tough, but they were pretty normal in the end. Levi wasn't like normal people. He had been trained to be able to adapt to anything, to live through anything.

Levi couldn't believe he had still not decided if he was staying or not. He was a little disgusted with himself for his indecisiveness, but that was nothing new. Levi had been taught to adapt to his surroundings, not to decide on them.

He looked up from his work as he finished wringing the water out of the last shirt, noticing how quiet the laundry room was. There weren't a lot of other people in here, probably because everyone was waiting for dinner.

Levi paused at that thought. That was right. It would be dinner time soon. He didn't really want to go, but he knew he had to. He didn't want Mike to come to his room and bitch at him again. After asking another soldier how much time was left before dinner, Levi borrowed a clothesline and some pins from the laundry room and took them and his friends' newly-washed clothes back to his room.

It was a funny-looking setup when he had the clothesline hanging between Furlan's top bunk and the desk at an angle, but it would do for now. He hung up the clothes, pinning them all so they wouldn't slide down the angled line. Then he left his room with the intent of going outside, maybe taking a walk before dinner.

"Levi. Can we talk in my office?"

He had seen Erwin as soon as he had the door halfway open but had no way of getting away from him. It was childish, perhaps, to try to avoid the other man, but he still did not know how to act in front of him.

Oh well. He knew he had a punishment coming, so he may as well get that over with.

Levi waited until the people nearby had wandered a bit further away. "What about? Is it about what I did to you on the expedition?"

"No. There's some paperwork that needs to be finished, but I need to talk to you first."

Levi followed Erwin to his office, his thoughts in a whirlwind. All day, he had been seriously considering leaving, but even after all that, he had not settled on anything. He wasn't sure what Erwin's reaction would be if he did leave, but Levi had some questions he should get answered before he made a final decision, and Erwin would be the most sensible person to ask. The only problem was, not tipping him off to Levi's plans might prove difficult, and he definitely did not want Erwin to know what he was thinking before he'd made a decision.

Erwin held the door open for him and said, "Please have a seat."

Levi flopped into a chair in front of the desk and crossed his legs and arms. "Are we gonna be here for a while?"

"Uh, no. Not too long. I don't want to make us late for dinner." Erwin made his way around to the other side of the desk and sat down.

Erwin did not talk to him right away. He was sorting out paper, and Levi quickly began to wonder why he was here. "This place is pretty empty. No pictures."

"I keep it strictly professional. I do share this office with a few people."

"I thought it was just yours."

"I think technically it is, but Hange's always leaving stuff here." Erwin gestured to a pile of things on a side table, where Levi saw an open knapsack full of books and clothes, a hairbrush and ponytail, and piles of paper.

"Girlfriend?" Levi asked, nodding at Hange's things.

Erwin looked genuinely startled at the question. "Uh, no."

"Huh." Levi was done making small talk. Erwin was boring.

"Ok, so are you staying in the Survey Corps, Levi?"

"Huh?"

"Well, never mind that for now. I've basically finished most of your paperwork, so it's just your medical records we need to work on. You've never been to a proper doctor's office or had a physical exam, I assume?"

"No."

"So we have to fill out this form as though you have. Your records need to be sent in to make sure you're fit for combat. I know it seems silly."

"Wouldn't it have made more sense to do this before the expedition?"

"Yes, well, I may have forgotten."

"You forgot?"

"...I didn't feel like doing the paperwork in the instance you just left after the expedition."

"You mean in the instance all three of us died."

"No, that isn't what I mean."

Levi was losing his patience. "Wouldn't it be easier for me to just go to a doctor?"

"Yes, and I would ask you to do that, but these are supposed to be done by one of our doctors, and they're not here right now. I was also supposed to send it in a while ago, so we can't wait for one of them to come back." Erwin shrugged, mostly with his hands. "So we're going to fudge it."

That actually amused Levi a bit. "Really? You're going to lie on these government forms? Isn't that illegal?"

Erwin's lips twitched like he was fighting the urge to grin. "You're not new to that kind of thing."

"I thought this was supposed to be my chance to make a new start, and leave my life of crime and debauchery behind."

Now Erwin laughed. What was happening? Were they actually sitting here having a friendly chat? And Levi had made Erwin laugh? While Levi did have a history of making quick turnarounds with people who had once been enemies, this was odd even for him. He actually had to remind himself that he had tried to kill this man not two days before.

"I'm impressed to see what an upstanding citizen you've become. I hope you won't make this difficult for me."

"Yeah, do whatever you want. Just fill them out. I don't care what you put." Erwin looked hesitant. "It's not like you're going to make me out to be some psychopathic midget with erectile dysfunction, are you?"

Levi realised he was being awfully talkative and playful today. Erwin would definitely find that weird. He should tone that down.

"Oh no, of course not. But it would be better if you filled them out." Erwin's voice shook with repressed laughter. He handed a sheaf of papers to Levi, who finally uncurled himself to lean over and grab them. "It would be best if they were accurate."

Levi took one glance through the papers even though he knew he wouldn't be able to do it. "Yeah… sorry, no." He gave them back to Erwin. Sensing the other man was about to question him, he said, "There are too many words."

"You're kidding?"

"No, I'm not. I don't read well. I don't write very well either. Don't tell me you're surprised."

"No. I guess it just didn't occur to me."

"Just write whatever for the unimportant stuff, and if anything important comes up, just ask me."

"It's all pretty important."

"Then just read me the questions and I'll answer."

"Are you sure? Some of them can get kind of personal."

"About what?"

"Like about sexual history, or drug use."

"Yes, I've done both of those things. We're adults, aren't we?" Levi did not see the big deal.

"Alright. Well, to start, I need your full name. I'd been meaning to ask about that anyway for your citizenship papers."

"It's Levi."

"No, I mean I need your last name."

"Don't have one." Levi was back to his curled up position, all folded up around himself.

"What would you like to appear on your records?"

"Just Levi."

After a pause, Erwin began scribbling something down on the paper. "Okay…. How old are you?"

"I don't know."

"Can you give me an estimate?"

"Furlan tried to figure it out once, based on… stuff I told him about myself. Going off what he said, I'd be about... thirty now, I guess."

Erwin's eyebrows shot up. "You don't look thirty."

Levi wasn't sure what to say in response to someone telling him he didn't look his age, so he just added with more certainty, "Well it's definitely around there."

Erwin jotted that down as he said, "So I'm assuming you don't know your birthday?"

"My mother said it was December 25th."

Erwin froze at that. "Really?"

"Yes. I do know some things about myself."

For some reason, Erwin had a very pleased look on his face. "No, I'm sure you do. Just… I mean, really?"

"Why? Is that day special?"

Erwin seemed to sober up a bit at the question, and Levi was frustrated that he didn't know why. Honestly, he didn't want to drag this out, so when Erwin just answered with, "It's a holiday, but I guess it's not that big a deal," Levi let it go, even though he suspected there was more.

"Your height and weight?"

"Five foot three, and I'm not sure," Levi deadpanned, but inside he was cringing. He didn't like to think that he was sensitive about his height, but he didn't really enjoy attention being brought to it.

"They should have weighed you when they were finetuning your gear. We can check that later." Erwin flipped a page. "Do you have any tattoos or birthmarks?"

"Why do they ask about that?"

"I said it could get kind of personal."

"I don't think it's all that personal, I'm just curious why they care."

"It's for identification purposes."

"Identification?" It took a few seconds for it to click. "Oh, you mean if my head gets bitten off by a titan, that's a way to figure out whose corpse is whose. Pretty morbid."

Erwin looked distinctly uncomfortable with the conversation's current direction. "Can you just tell me if you do or not?"

Levi might not want Erwin dead anymore, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't enjoy annoying him when he got the chance. "Yeah, I got a tattoo. It's right here." He slapped his left butt cheek. "It says 'Kiss my ass.' Do you have to see it?"

Erwin's brows drew a little closer together, but to his credit, his face remained otherwise unchanged. "No. I'll just trust that it's there." He actually put his pen to the paper.

"It doesn't really."

"Hmm?"

"It doesn't say that. I lied. It was a joke." How could someone so clever also be so dense?

"Oh. Of course it was a joke." Erwin cracked a very awkward smile. "So… what does it really say?"

Levi leaned back more in his chair, getting comfortable, since he might be here a while – there were more questions than he'd thought there would be – and giving Erwin a flat stare. He didn't know whether he wanted to answer or not, so he didn't.

"Or do you not even have one? That was a joke too?"

After a moment of observing Erwin's awkwardness – the poor bastard didn't seem to know what to do with any humour, probably because he was so boring and humourless – Levi cut him some slack and started talking again. "I do."

"Is it… where you said?"

Levi quirked one eyebrow at him.

Erwin chuckled, and it sounded downright uncomfortable. "Like I said, it can –"

"– get kind of personal." With an annoyed sigh, Levi continued, "It's where I said. But I'm not telling you what it is."

"But –"

"That's only for a select few special people to know about, and you aren't one of them."

Erwin seemingly relented, writing something down. "I'm almost afraid to ask about piercings," he said, and Levi was pretty sure he was joking back.

"Don't, then."

"Okay, moving on. Do you drink?"

"Yes. Frequently."

"I did mean alcohol."

"I know. I'm not stupid."

"Well you've been such a smartass up to this point, I wasn't really sure. How much?"

"I've never kept track. Probably more than the average person. Water isn't always very clean in the Underground, so everyone just drinks beer all day, cause it's safer. It's usually pretty weak, though. And I haven't had one for a bit."

"Do you smoke?"

"Yeah."

"How much?"

"Usually just a couple a day. They're getting expensive."

"That's bad for your lungs," Erwin said without even looking up from the paper he was writing on, as though he wasn't even thinking about what he was saying.

"In this line of work, that's the last thing I'm worried about. And again, I haven't had a smoke in a while. I ran out weeks ago."

"Is that why you've seemed so grouchy?"

"Nah, that's probably just cause of my dead friends." The disturbed look Erwin gave him actually made Levi feel bad. He couldn't help but want to torment Erwin a little, but he realised that he actually preferred their casual banter to sending nasty remarks Erwin's way. "Yeah, I know that wasn't fair."

Erwin looked like he was seriously mulling over what he was about to say. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"What do you think?"

"I think you don't, but you probably should. It doesn't have to be with me. I understand if you don't especially like me."

"It isn't like that."

"It's perfectly alright with me if you don't like me. Do a good job around here and you can hate my guts for all I care."

"It really isn't like that. I wasn't saying that to be polite." Levi approached the topic head on, figuring it was best if they got this out of the way now. "If it seems like I dislike you, it isn't personal."

"If you say so."

"Are we almost done these questions?"

"We're getting there, yes. Do you have any long-term medical conditions?"

"No."

"Do you take any prescriptions?"

"I've never been to a doctor," Levi reminded him.

"I'm sure if you felt you needed any, you could've gotten your hands on medication on your own."

"I suppose so. But no."

"And do you use any drugs recreationally?"

"I guess I have to say no, since that's against the rules."

"Whatever you say for this," Erwin lifted the sheets he was writing on for emphasis, "I didn't hear it."

"It's the same as I said before: I haven't in weeks. Basically, since I left the Underground I've been totally clean."

"That's… not good."

"It isn't?"

"Not if you're not used to it. Going cold turkey isn't always a good idea."

"I guess that's just one more reason we shouldn't have put off me really going to the doctor."

"I'm sorry."

"Why? I'm clearly fine."

"If you need any help getting off of anything, one of our doctors could help."

"It's not like I'm some hardcore user." From the look of him, Erwin was the kind of guy whose understanding of recreational drug use didn't include anything beyond kids smoking dope at bush parties or noblemen ODing on pills in their hotel rooms. Well, Levi wasn't going to give him a lesson. "I'll be fine."

"Very well. Thank you for humouring me with this. I know it was an annoyance. Just make sure to make any necessary amendments when you do finally see your doctor." It was like he assumed Levi had lied to him. Erwin slid the papers into a folder, then pulled out another set. "These are the papers I need to submit in order to get you your citizenship."

So he was actually going to do it. It was starting to look like blondie was going to come through after all.

"They will need to make you a birth certificate, too. I was wondering if you would tell me your parents' names."

Not "if you could tell me your parents' names," or "if you knew your parents' names." Erwin was always so polite.

"My mother's name was Kuchel. As I said, we didn't go by a last name."

Erwin paused, but did not press, perhaps having expected that Levi would have had nothing to say about a father.

"Just put nothing for my father. I don't want that asshole's name on my stupid birth certificate anyway."

"Of course." There was that painfully polite voice again. Levi knew what he was probably thinking: that Levi wasn't keeping his father's name blank because he didn't like him, but because he didn't know who he was. Well that wasn't true, but Erwin could think whatever he wanted.

"I think that's that," Erwin finished.

Levi was still waiting for Erwin to mention something about a punishment. "You want anything else?" Levi asked.

"No, I think we're good for now."

"Really?" Levi's gaze dropped involuntarily to Erwin's hand, which was currently wrapped in a light gauze. It was the hand he was writing with. "Shouldn't you not be using that?" he said without thinking.

Erwin gave him a bemused look. "That's not concern, is it?"

It had been. Levi didn't like seeing people do stupid things. "Not really. Just wondering is all."

"I'm almost done all my paperwork for today," Erwin said as way of explanation.

Levi shrugged to show that he didn't really care. Since he didn't want to be dreading it coming up indefinitely, he said, "Mike said that when you got back I would be in trouble."

"Did he, now?"

"So…?"

"I haven't decided on anything. But I suppose… cleaning the bathroom in the men's barracks would be punishment enough, in my mind."

Mike must have told him. "You're really gonna just let that go? I was actually gonna kill you, you know."

"You weren't going to kill me, Levi. You hesitated with that swing, and I'm sure that isn't like you."

"A lot was going through my mind at the time. But I was trying to kill you."

"I know." Erwin looked him in the eye now, and Levi was once again struck by the intensity of the other man's stare. Erwin had the eyes of a man who had seen a lot, and knew a lot, and planned ten steps ahead. "I hope we're past that now." Levi nodded. "In which case, there wouldn't be much point in punishing you, and I don't know that you would even care. I'm not looking for an excuse to get petty revenge. Let's just try to move forward."

"Fine."

"Since you're still here, I may as well tell you: the commander was thinking of transferring you to a different squad. As in, not mine. But it's not set in stone, yet. Do you have a preference about whether you stay or not? I'm curious about your opinion."

"It doesn't matter to me."

"Very well. You'll probably be going to another squad, then. I'll let you go for now. See you at dinner."

Levi stood up and made his way to the door, then stopped. "One thing."

"Yes?"

"There were no questions about sexual history."

"I'm sorry?"

"You had said there would be, so I was waiting for it. I had braced myself and everything."

Erwin's laugh was short, like he was trying to hold it back. "I skipped that one. I thought it would be awkward."

As opposed to the rest of the conversation. Levi gave out a short huff of air that was as close as he ever came to laughing himself, and left.

A short while later, Levi found himself sitting at a table in the mess hall with Erwin's squad, dinner in front of them. Commander Shadis made his way to the front of the room to address all the soldiers.

"Good evening, everyone. I am glad to be back with you all tonight, after this most recent expedition. I apologise for not being here for our first dinner back.

"Firstly, allow me to give my condolences to anyone grieving fallen comrades."

So, everyone, Levi thought.

"This last expedition's numbers are disheartening, I know, after our high hopes for it."

Levi turned away from Shadis and his stupid speech, annoyance clear on his face, when he caught sight of Erwin. The man looked downright crushed. Levi remembered the look on Erwin's face when he'd found Levi amidst the bodies of his squad and the titans, and the thought Levi had had that Erwin seemed disappointed and surprised, like things had not gone his way. This expression was similar, only worse.

When Levi tuned back in to Shadis's speech, the man was already past talk of the dead. "Because of this, we may have a while to wait yet before our next expedition. But we are not giving up. I believe in the purposes of the Survey Corps, and I promise to continue to argue these purposes to those in charge who –"

With a sigh, Levi raked one hand through his hair in annoyance. This was boring. When were they going to be allowed to eat? And then leave?

"– benefits to humanity. Thank you. Let's enjoy our dinner, shall we?" Shadis stepped down from the short dais.

Fucking finally. Levi picked up a fork and asked, "Was that supposed to be motivational?" No one answered, so he turned to his food.

The fare was fancier than usual. Everything was a little richer than normal, the bread nice and buttery, the juice sweet and not tangy like yesterday. He hadn't really meant to eat, but found himself doing so thoughtlessly. The main dish consisted of cuts of beef, with rice and vegetables as a side. The meat had been well seasoned, with a bit of a kick to it. Levi wasn't used to meat or hot spices, but it was good all the same.

The others were talking, and Levi was doing his best not to join in the conversation. At times like this, when he had recently taken some of his "pick-me-up" as he sometimes referred to it, he was more talkative than usual. Sometimes he would use that to his advantage. In fact, he sometimes wondered if his lack of talkativeness most of the time was because he relied too much on drugs to help him make conversation. As it was, he was being very careful not to act too different around the others. He had already been too close to goofy with Erwin. He was pretty sure they would find it weird if he suddenly joined in with their banter or started cracking jokes.

At one point, Emil turned to Levi and asked, "You were hanging out with Sophie? I'm glad you're going out more."

Someone must have mentioned his trip to Isabel's room. Levi finished his drink. "Yeah." Then, because he knew it would draw attention away from him, "The girls there were teasing her about you. You guys together?"

Emil looked shocked, but as predicted, the conversation immediately turned away from Levi as Sophie jumped in to deny it at the same time a few others piped up in amusement.

"What was that?" Erwin asked, looking up from his meal without the disappointment from earlier.

"I don't understand why people think that. We're just friends," Sophie said.

"We are pretty close." Emil didn't seem as bothered by the rumour. He mustn't get teased as much, Levi thought.

"But that's not special," she said.

"That cuts me deep, Sophie," Emil replied, with a hurt expression that looked like overacting. "It cuts me real deep."

"Oh, stop it. You're going to give people the wrong idea." She looked back to her food as she began cutting her meat.

"It's fine, as long as you understand how I really feel about you." His voice gave nothing away, but Emil's gaze lingered on Sophie in a way Levi could only describe as gentle. The overacting was gone. Everyone paused, a few people seemingly watching Emil.

Damn it. Levi had wanted to avoid attention, not cause drama. He very clearly focused on his meal, swallowing a bite that was a bit too salty for his taste, pretending that he had not been paying attention to anything.

"Anyway..." Erwin said, "It's good to be back here." It was an awkward segue, clearly intended to change the subject, but it worked. Even Mike helped along by speaking up about what they'd done while Erwin was gone. Maybe Levi wasn't the only one uncomfortable with the sudden tension at the table. Mike had been almost as quiet as him until now.

Levi ate his food methodically. He wasn't really enjoying it anymore. Plus, he had little interest in what the others were saying. Now that people weren't talking to him again, he began planning out the rest of his day, well into the night. He had not gotten to finish cleaning before, and if he was quiet enough not to disturb anyone sleeping, he could probably get away with doing some more tonight. Then the barracks would actually be finished. After that, he could clean his gear, which had a heavy white dust and some scuffing on it since it had come back from maintenance. And when all that was done, he could take a shower. The thought made him incredibly happy, and he was starting to feel impatient to get started.

Hopefully no one would care if Levi left earlier than them. He wanted dinner to be over soon, but a quick glance at the others' plates showed they had a lot of their meals left, probably because they kept stopping to talk.

Levi dropped his eyes back to his cut of beef as he sliced off a piece and suddenly felt his stomach turn. He watched his knife cut through the meat, the small fibers of it pulling from the serrated edge as he sawed at a slightly dry bit, in a detached way, as though he were not doing it himself. Suddenly, the sight of the juice flowing out of it as the slightest tinge of pink became visible in the middle was just… gross.

The sight of his blades slicing through the back of a titan's neck came clear to his mind.

He looked up at the others at the table, Erwin's squad, and another squad next to them. They were still talking, acting so loud with each other. He remembered comparing them all to animals, like the beasts in the stables, and the comparison came back now, unbidden. Someone lifted a forkful of beef to their mouth, and he stared in horrified fascination at their teeth as they parted their lips. Others were doing the same, and they all had such awful mouths. He felt his pulse quicken.

To his left, Mike stabbed a piece of meat with his fork, lifted it and bit at it. Levi turned away in disgust. He noticed now how salty and greasy the food was. It felt heavy within him, like he'd overeaten, although he wasn't finished. In front of him, Erwin picked up some of his beef with his fork, leaving a small puddle of the greasy red juice behind on his plate, and Levi's stomach dropped.

He felt his abdomen clench as the hot, tingly feeling of nausea swept over him. Levi pushed his plate away as he leaned back, trying to distance himself from the smell. Saliva pooled in the back corners of his mouth, and he knew what was coming.

Levi jumped up off the bench, with the intent of getting away before it hit, clapping a hand over his mouth as the movement rocked him.

Erwin looked up at him in surprise. "Everything alright?"

Levi felt the nausea temporarily subside now he wasn't looking at the food anymore. Still desperately trying to act normal, he figured he had to say something. He opened his mouth to respond. That was his mistake.

The vomit burst forth from his mouth despite his best efforts to hold it in and sprayed from between his fingers, across the table, and spilled down the front of his shirt. It was on his hand, and down his chin, it was all over him. He dropped his hands to the table – including the dirty one, he soon realised in horror – and heaved again in revulsion.

It was always a nasty cycle for him, when he threw up. The idea of vomit, not to mention the smell, was so repulsive to him it often made him sick again. He knew people were staring, which only made him feel worse. Just like the second night of the expedition, when he had been covered in blood, he tried talking himself down from the panic and disgust with his usual method.

It's not a big deal. Everyone throws up once in a while. This means it's not in your body anymore, whatever gross thing wasn't agreeing with you. You can go brush your teeth as soon as this is done.

He became distantly aware of people's reactions around him.

"Is he OK?"

"Wait, what happened?"

"Eww."

"Levi, are you alright?"

"Oh, Erwin, gross."

Levi felt his heart beat jump at that last comment. Why would somebody be talking about Erwin like that? Then it occurred to him. Erwin had been sitting right across from him. No.

Levi was done retching for now, so he looked up, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. There was vomit on Erwin's plate, and some on his shirt. The man was wiping at his mouth and chin as well, which Levi tried not to dwell on. There was no longer any panic or disgust, not with the shame Levi suddenly felt. Other people had seen that. They thought he was gross. And he had gotten it on somebody else. The idea that something dirty from his body had gotten on somebody else was so incredibly upsetting, that the humiliation actually managed to cut through the fake drug-induced happiness he had forced on himself.

Even worse, Erwin looked more surprised than anything. He should have been upset. "Are you not feeling well?" Erwin asked.

Other people were looking at them too, from multiple tables, including one guy who was laughing with a repulsed look on his face, like an obnoxious young boy who thought gross things were cool. It only made Levi feel more ashamed. Rather than say anything, he stumbled over the bench he'd been seated at and marched out of the room.