The small group of thus-far poorly developed and one-dimensional heroes had been walking for some time, before coming to a cliff's edge overlooking a small field. Dotted amongst the field were several cats, most ginger like a Weasley with the occasional black and brown; and even one of those really dodgy-looking hairless ones. You know the ones I mean. The gang were becoming antsy, two of them weren't equipped to walk more than a mile without passing out, one was just trying to read her manga, and our last hero was simply trying to be as involved with the others as possible; and hung back at the rear as much as possible even if it put her directly in the path of Dawkins' lethal B.O.

"Hey, CIS-scum! Quit fat-shaming me and hurry up! When are we gonna get to the next part of our challenge?" Asked the fat one. No not that fat one. Yeah the permanently triggered one, there you go. She was almost ready to prepare her special attack, 'Keeper of Hate Speech off of This Campus', before being summarily answered by their enigmatic guide.

"Number 87, please, calm yourself. We've just arrived as it happens. Let me explain the second stage of the Exam. See those cats? Each of you must deliver one to me. If you harm the cat in any way, you are disqualified. Do this within 10 minutes and you will advance to the next phase. Fail, and you will be disqualified. Any questions; you lowlifes and scum?" Much like Ms. Smith, Mustachio the Mysterious never seemed to change his expression from 'uninterested sarcasm'.

"Haiiii! Sakura-chan has a question! Do you grant extra points to whoever gets the most kawaii neko?" Never losing her beaming and gleeful personality, Sakura Oda could cheer up that snail you stepped on the last time you went out. That's right. You may not have noticed, but I did. You monster.

For the first time, Mustachio moved his facial muscles to deliver emotion! Although he only moved his mouth to accentuate the apathy that burned in his very soul like the British Sterling burned in the wake of Brexit. Finally his thin lips parted as he spoke. "Look kid I really could not care less how cute the thing looks just bring me the damn cat so I can go home. Now come on, go so I have five minutes to myself."

And like that, the four intrepid adventurers split apart to capture a feisty feline in the field of flowers and ferns, failure means forfeit and forfeit means f*ckloads of fuzzy navels.

Sakura-chan, a lover of basically everything, was the first to capture one of the rather surprised nekos. A small ebony fluffball with emerald eyes was being carried gently by the small girl, cradled by her arms which not too long ago were used to flay an innocent ent. Mustachio looked visably suicidal for a moment as he was just beginning to become comfortable with a calming day on a field. "Look sensei! I got the cutest one just for you!" She held out the kitty, nearly exploding from joy. Her undeniable adorable charm was not lost on Mustachio, but just before he mustered a smile or a pleasantry, he remembered his other students and promptly shoved the happiness down where it belonged.

"Amaaaaaaaaazing job. Put it over there." He weakly gestured to some random direction, before closing his eyes again.

"But sensei won't he escape?"

"Well mayb...zzz..." Their fearless leader was asleep. Sakura saw this as a chance to sit on the ledge of the cliff and read her manga, 'There's no way my pet rock can be this arousing!' (Ore no Petto rokku ga Konna ni Kawaii Wake ga Nai!)

Next up was Banita Barkeesian, Trigger Queen of Tumblr. Her pronouns are xem/xe/xes, but I couldn't care less. She took a fairly long amount of time, as she had to sex every cat she found to make sure it wasn't male. Uncomfortably lifting the obese tabby back up to the ledge where her examiner and fellow pupil rested was a tough task for this land-whale, but she eventually managed it. She placed the cat on the ground, and it stared blankly into space before falling over and rolling down the slope. "O-M-G rolling triggers me you fascist!" She shouted down the valley before updating her blog.

"Hey Barkeesian-san, why are you doing this exam anyway?" Asked the inquisitive Sakura.

"I'm hunting for safe-spaces where we can be free of the oppressive gaze of the patriarchy!" Bellowed the blob.

Sakura giggled a bit, before replying "Right! Hope your dreams come true!"

Dawkins was the last to return from the field, with the pariah of the cat-society; the sphynx cat. Dawkins was a cat-lover and had always been one, and he was missing his own cat he left back on the island, a lazy beast named The Bible is False Reading Material For Morons (or, at his mother's suggestion, Bib for short). He held the purring creature close to his chest, or as close as his mantits would allow (considering all his companions are female it's pretty depressing that his breasts are only second smallest (#FlatIsJusticeForSakura)). He noticed quickly however that Delia was sat alone, nothing unusual there, but her head was in her hands and she looked oddly depressed for such an enigmatic woman. His gentlemanly skills took over, and he quickly marched towards her before coughing to catch her attention. "Why m'lady, you look so unhappy on such a fine da-" her small but clearly capable fist collided with his second chin, knocking him over and leaving him stunned.

"Look asshole, I'm really not in the mood for your white knight crap okay? Just piss off unless you wanna choke on your own blood." He saw her eyes for a brief moment, red and slightly puffy from crying. Again the facade of Dawkins crumbled, as the memory of his mother crying somewhat like this when she explained what her doctor said flashed back into his mind. He got up, and this time it was Andrew who spoke to Delia.

"Delia, is everything alright?" Caught off guard by his sincerity, a side to him she had not yet seen, she cautiously answered.

"No. I'm afraid of cats, not to mention allergic to the touch. Time's about to run out and I can't pass the exam, so I've failed."

"And what does that mean for you?"

"Means my debt's gonna catch up to me, so I'll probably end up face-down in some remote river knowing those kinds of people...I don't...I'm..." She trailed off, and Andrew could see in her eyes not panic, nor sadness, but just acceptance. Acceptance of her fate. The same look he saw in his mother's eyes.

"...take mine." He said finally.

"What? Take your...cat?"

"Tell him it's yours. You deserve to pass more than I do, Delia." He placed Nietzsche the Hairless Wonder at her feet, before donning an innocent smile.

"Dawkins I... I can't-" Her emotional gratitude was suddenly cut short by an alarm coming from Mustachio's phone, waking him quickly. He jumped to his feet and looked at the time, before saying so many curse words I can't quite record them all.

"Crap! I slept in and we're late for the next part of this dumb test or whatever! Come on you mongrels forget the stupid cats and come with me!" He jogged off across the hills, before being quickly followed by Sakura and Banita. Andrew faded and Dawkins returned, trying to make up for his moment of genuine concern earlier.

"Uh, oh no m'lady! The sheeple escapes our grasps! Come, chase him with me!" Dawkins quickly ran off, trying to escape his momentary lapse in character. A stunned Delia jogged behind him, reflecting on how her initial perception of the man was different from how he was in a time of need. After all, who can truly say that their first impressions are representative of their entire character? How many even know you for your self, and not the facade you put up for people? They just might prefer the person under the fedora, dear reader.

(Thank you all so much again for reading! I'm sorry for the lapse in updates but during that time I went to build a house in Mexico and finished my exams and stuff so maybe I'll try and update more frequently. I'm surprised this gets views, and your reviews and such encourage me to continue writing about our favourite fedora-wearer and his ragtag bunch of allies. Have a nice day, and I hope to see you next time I update this God-awful tale."