So You Want To Be A Superhero

By Clark Kent

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Off Duty

Being a Superhero is a very stressful career choice. At any time, a quiet day can become one filled with chaos, confusion, violence and even death.

The stress levels of being a Superhero (with the attendent risks) mean that those who follow that path need to take up a hobby in order to prevent said stress from overwhelming them and causing mental issues. As Superheroes work hard, we also tend to play hard, throwing ourselves into relaxation with the sameintensity that we bring into our jobs as heroes. My hobby is teaching and before I was unmasked (even though I never actually wore mask) I took a job at Bayville High as a substitute teacher. Even now, I make sure to teach a lesson or two a week.

Other heroes relax and unwind in other ways. Several of the Brotherhood are avid gamers while the poker nights hosted by Ben Grimm are almost legendary amongst the participants. Gatekeeper spends her free time practising calligraphy and Guardsman has taken up Kendo and learning the path of Bushido.

Finding a way to reduce the stresses of being a Hero is vital to ones continued mental and physical well-being.

It should however be noted that certain hobbies are not considered to be good for Heroes to pursue, notably physical training and poetry.

For the former, while staying in shape is important, most beings need at least some downtime in order to allow their bodies to rebuild themselves. Constant training actually does more harm than good over the long run.

As for poetry… look up William McGonagall of Scotland (1825 – 1902). Unless you have a true gift for poetry, do not risk it. Seriously. Trust me on this.

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Many superheroes like to relax alongside their team-mates. Part of this may be because superhero team members tend to live at their headquarters, meaning that they are in near-constant close physical proximity with each other. This also helps to build up teamwork and team security, since the more you know about your team-mates, the more potential security questions or action-checks you have available to check that they haven't been replaced by a shapeshifter.

My wife just gave me a semi-glare as I dictated that last sentence.

It must be pointed out, however, that too much time around a specific person can cause the build-up of annoyance and/or resentment, even over tiny things like the angle that they leave the pen on the desk. As such, getting some "time away" is highly recommended.

For those who live apart, it is quite common for them to meet outside normal team hours, usually at a restaurant or bar as they increase the bonds of friendship between them, something which also generally aids (albeit slightly indirectly) in fieldwork.

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It is highly recommended that if a Superhero is married or has family, that the family be the top priority outside working hours. It is only too easy to be engulfed by the requirements and stresses of being a Hero. Spending time with family can help a Hero to relax as well as reminding them why they embarked on such a dangerous career path in the first place.

The path of a Superhero can be very rewarding, but it's not without its dangers.

I hope this leaflet helps those who wish to become Superheroes to be aware of both the obvious and hidden burdens that such a career brings.

And for those who do choose to proceed, I hope to one day work beside you.

Clark Kent (Kal-El)

aka Superman

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Addendum by Spider-man

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Combat Quips

Many villains and other ne'erdowells detest it when the hero makes quips and jokes at their expense. Not only does it raise the morale of the hero and his or her allies, it can confuse and distract the villain, thus making them easier to defeat.

However, Quipping is not an easy thing to do. It requires skill, intelligence and preparation. Many people have tried and failed to master the Art of the Quip and as such, I, the friendly neighbourhood Spider-man, will help those of you who wish to add Quippage to your arsenal to do so.

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To be a Master of Quippage, one must ensure that the jokes that one makes are relevant to the situation. Random jokes and comments only work if your name is Deadpool, for anyone else they are seen as a sign of mental instability.

Actually, they are for Deadpool as well. It's just that most of us have grown used to his insanity. Or block it out. Whichever.

Anyway, back to the noble and ancient art of Quippage.

The first level is nicknames. These can range from the simple (Doc Ock… who would have thought he'd become a hero?) to the irritating (I call The Lizard Scaley).

Nicknames are best when they are based on either the physical aspects of the person in question or the code-name that they have chosen. In addition, they should be short and preferably highly memorable.

Nicknames do not only apply to villains, heroes can get nicknames too. I myself am sometimes known as The Webslinger while the Hulk is often called Big Green. If you want a true maestro of nicknames, Tony Stark is the one to watch. He has never met a Hero or Villain that he can't assign a nickname to.

It is worth researching potential adversaries (and allies) to find out what nicknames have been assigned to them as well as any special buttons that they may have. While we were still opposed to Doctor Doom of Latveria, any suggestion that his old adversary Reed Richards was his superior would enrage him, driving him to attack, recklessly and quite often in ways that allowed us to foil his plans while he was distracted. Some buttons, however, should not be pushed. For instance, one should never tell the Hulk that he is not the strongest there is. I saw it happen once and the results… were not pretty.

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The second level of Quippage is comments. You can make jokes about your opponants lack of accuracy or inability to launch a decent attack depending on whether you dodge attacks or are tough enough to simply tank them. Believe it or not, Superman once did this. When the Blob (prior to his heel-face turn) tried to crush Superman, the Boy Scout simply patted him on the back and told him that everything would be alright while ignoring the enormous crushing pressure that the Blob was applying to him.

I like to keep up a stream of comments for several reasons. It distracts whoever I'm fighting, helps raise the morale of my team and aids in distracting myself from any fear I might be feeling.

Seriously, some of the fights I've been in were intense.

Quipping really helps.

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The third level is responding to an opponants attempts to Quip. Should they try to make threats, defuse them with a well-timed comment. Whould they hurl an insult at you, turn it against them. Should they tell you that you fight like a dairy farmer, respond by telling them that they fight like a cow (although you may need to change it to a different animal depending on the religion of the person you are fighting.

Note that only true experts in Quippage should ever try this stage. It is one of the hardest things to achieve in a combat environment.

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I look forwards to hearing you Quip your way to victory.

Spider-Man