I'm sorry for the slow update... I've been suffering from a serious case of writer's block. I promise that the story will progress a lot faster from now on!
Once again, flashbacks are in italics.
It's funny how quickly time goes by, moments pass and people change. One day you're planning for someday and then, before you know it, someday is today and then someday becomes yesterday. On this day, four years ago, my life was forever changed. Some changes were good, others were not. Time has a way of bringing people together, making them closer than before. While sending others on great journeys of discovery, both physical and spiritual.
"Morning mommy."
I felt a light tapping on my shoulders, willing me to wake up. I opened my eyes to see two big blue ones staring back at me. I blinked, my vision was still clouded from sleep. In a moment of clarity, I saw my daughter. This amazing, extraordinary, perfect being that is the sum total of every moment I've ever experienced. There have been moments of sheer joy and unimaginable suffering, but ultimately, I wouldn't take any of them back. Not a single one, for they gave me the greatest gift of all, her.
"Good morning baby."
I couldn't help the smile that swept across my lips. I pulled back the quilt and Rosa snuggled in close beside me. I placed a soft kiss upon her forehead and brushed away a honey blonde curl from her face. She looked at me, with a look of love and adoration that made my heart melt.
"Mommy, it's my birthday today." Rosa's eyes lit up and she looked at me expectantly.
"It is?" I teased. Of course I knew it was her birthday. How could I possibly forget the single greatest day of my life?
"U-huh!" Rosa nodded excitedly.
"And how old are you today, Miss Rosa? You must be pretty old now, huh?"
She looked at me, crinkled her eyes and pursed her lips, a strong indication of concentration. She looks just like me when she does that. She took her left hand and began to count on her fingers.
"I'm only four, silly!" She laughed and shook her head at me.
"Happy birthday, baby." I pressed the tip of my nose against hers and gave her an eskimo kiss.
"I'm not a baby anymore, mommy. I am a big girl now. I can even tie my big girl shoes all by myself!" She exclaimed proudly.
"Is that so? Well then, I guess you're too big for bunny pancakes –"
"Well, I'm not grown just yet… I'm just… bigger than I was last year!"
I couldn't help but chuckle. She was definitely my daughter! I began to tickle her and we erupted into fits of giggles. Once the giggles stopped, Rosa looked at me seriously.
"Mommy? I can still have bunny pancakes, can't I?" There was a sense of unmistakable concern in her voice.
"Of course you can, silly!" I beamed.
Rosa smiled and jumped off the bed.
"Come on mommy! I'm hungry!" Rosa called as she ran towards the kitchen.
I sat there for a moment and collected my thoughts. I was so lucky, yet I couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing.
"Coming!" I replied.
Moments later, Rosa and I were in the kitchen. I had decorated the room with banners and pink balloons after Rosa went to bed. I wanted everything to be perfect.
"Wow" Rosa exclaimed.
She bundled towards me, her arms outstretched. In return, I knelt down and engulfed her in a warm embrace.
"Thank you mommy! I love you." She muttered into my neck.
"I love you too, sweetie." I smoothed her silky blonde curls and turned to kiss her.
After Rosa had eaten her bunny pancakes, I started to wash the dishes. My back was turned but I could hear Rosa rise from the table.
"Mommy?" Rosa asked quietly.
"What's wrong sweetie?"
I turned around, still clutching the tea towel. Immediately I saw what Rosa was looking at. Her gaze was firmly fixed on a photograph of Jane and me.
"Will Aunt Jane be at my birthday party?" Rosa asked hopefully. It broke my heart.
"No sweetie, she won't." I explained sadly.
"Maybe next year." Rosa added dejectedly.
"But listen… Daddy and Allie will be there and so will Nanny Angela, Uncle Frankie, Uncle Tommy and T.J. It's going to be a great party." I tried to cheer Rosa up.
"I know." Rosa acknowledged but she still sounded deflated.
I placed the tea towel on the counter and moved towards her. I knelt down in front of her and took hold of her hands.
"Maura, we need to talk." Jane's calm tone greatly contradicted her grave expression.
"What's wrong? You can tell me anything, you know that."
"I've been reassigned, Maura."
"What? When?"
"Cavanaugh just told me. They want me to be an agent."
"Jane, that's fantastic. You've worked so hard for this, you deserve to be recognised."
"The job's in D.C. Maura."
"Oh."
"I want you to come with me."
"Jane, I can't."
"Maura, you're a genius. You could get a job anywhere you want!"
"It's not that simple, Jane. What about Rosa?"
"I'm sure there are some excellent schools in D.C. She'll love it there."
"It's not just about that. What about Jack? I can't take Rosa away from her father."
"What about Jack? What about Jack?! Where was Jack when you found out you were pregnant? Where was he when Rosa was born, hey? I have been right here, every step of the way. I love Rosa, I've been there for her since the day she was born… Which is more than can be said for him! What about me, Maura? I thought we were friends, I thought we were partners."
"We are."
"I… I…" Jane shook her head, she was clearly distressed. "I have to go."
"Jane, wait!"
"For what? You're you and I'm me. Nothing will ever change that."
"What's that supposed to mean? Jane! "
With that, she was gone. Like a shadow in the night. She just got into her car and left. Just like that.
"Aunt Jane loves you very much and she'd give anything to be here with you on your birthday."
I could feel a stinging sensation in my eyes and desperately tried to fight back the tears. I gave Rosa a watery smile and she just nodded.
"Now, I know we usually wait for everyone to get here before you open your presents but I think you deserve to open one now… You are the birthday girl after all." I proposed. It was a rather lame attempt to lighten the mood, but I couldn't think of anything else.
"It's okay, mommy. I can wait."
I couldn't bear to see my little girl so upset, knowing that I couldn't give her what she wanted. Fortunately, Jack burst through the door.
"Where's the birthday girl?!"
"Daddy!" Her beautiful eyes lit up once more.
He scooped Rosa up in his arms and peppered her with kisses.
"Happy birthday, princess."
He gently placed her back on the ground. Despite the difficult start, Jack was a wonderful father. He was just confused and scared. He just wanted to do right by Rosa. We both wanted that.
"Wow! You're getting so big… You must be eating all of your vegetables!"
"Mommy said that I'm going to be tall because it's in my jeans… but that doesn't really make sense because sometimes I wear dresses or skirts."
"I think your mommy means the other kind of genes." Allie chimed in.
"Allie!" Rosa threw her arms around her big sister.
As Allie began to explain the difference between jeans and genes to Rosa, Jack took me to one side.
"I can't believe how big she's gotten!" Jack enthused.
"I know, it's scary how quickly time flies by." I concurred.
"She's incredible, Maura. You're a wonderful mother." He placed his strong hands around my arms.
It meant a lot to hear him say that. For years I have questioned whether or not I made the right decision by staying. I miss Jane terribly. It feels like I'm missing a part of me. In spite of this, I believe I made the right choice for Rosa. Her whole family is here. Well, most of it anyway.
Speaking of family, Angela, Frankie, Tommy and T.J. followed suit. Their love and laughter filled the house. Rosa was in her element.
Angela cast her gaze towards me and I seized the opportunity to talk to her. She followed me, despite the fact that I hadn't had the chance to ask her to yet. We'd had the same routine every year since Rosa's second birthday. Every year I would ask
"Have you heard from Jane?"
And every year Angela would explain that Jane was 'tied up at work', or something like that.
I was heartbroken. I had just lost my best friend in the whole world. I kept trying to call her, but each time she rejected me. Every time, I told myself that she'd pick up, that this time it would be different. It wasn't.
I decided to make one last call. I was grateful that this one did not go unanswered.
"Hello, it's Maura."
"Maura. It's so good to hear from you. I've missed you."
"It's good to hear from you too, Angela. I wasn't sure if Jane would want you to talk to me and so I kept my distance. I didn't want to force you to choose between us. It's just so hard. I didn't just lose my best friend, I lost my family too and I don't know what to do without you. I miss you all and I'm worried about Jane. We had a fight and she just left. It's been over two weeks. We've never gone this long without speaking to each other and I just don't know what to do –"
I completely broke down. I was too tired to fight anymore. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't strong enough without Jane.
"Maura, can I come over?"
"That would be wonderful. Thank you, Angela."
"It's no trouble at all. See you soon."
"Goodbye Angela."
After Jane left, Angela moved into her condo. She told me it was because she wanted somewhere of her own to call home, but I thought it was because Jane had asked her to stay away from me. The last time Jane and I had a fight, poor Angela got caught in the middle and I didn't want that to happen again.
Angela arrived no more than ten minutes later. As soon as I opened the door, she hugged me. She hugged me so tightly that I could barely breathe, but within her embrace, I felt safe. We both cried. I cried so much that my head ached, almost as much as my heart. Angela released me and we retired to the couch. I was in such a state that all hospitality went out the window; I don't think I even offered Angela a drink.
"Maura, I just want you to know that you're like a daughter to me. No matter what happens between you and Jane, that's not going to change. I need you to know that."
She took my hand and gently squeezed it, emphasising that she wasn't going anywhere. That I hadn't lost her.
"You have no idea how good it is to hear you say that. Rosa and I have really missed you."
I blinked back fresh tears. There was so much I wanted to say, I just couldn't find the words. Angela offered me a sad smile and squeezed my hand once more.
"Angela? I know Jane doesn't want to talk to me right now but please can you pass on a message to her?"
"Of course I can."
"Please just tell her that I'm sorry and I miss her. I understand that she's angry and hurt and needs time but I need her to come back to me. If she cares about me, or Rosa at all, tell her to come to Rosa's first birthday party. I want my daughter to know her brave and strong and badass Aunt Jane."
Jane never came.
I can't imagine how hard it must be for Angela, to only hear from her daughter every once in a while. She has only been to visit Jane a handful of times since she moved away. Jane was always too busy working. I guess it was just too painful for her. It probably reminded her of the life she left behind.
"She's stuck at work. You know Jane –"
"Actually, I'm not sure I do. The Jane I knew would have come home already."
"I have faith that she'll come home, Maura. She just got lost somewhere along the way."
"I don't mean to be rude, Angela, but it's been three years, one month and two days. She's not coming back." Just saying those words cut through me like a scalpel.
Suddenly I felt a gentle tug on my skirt.
"Mommy!"
"Hi sweetie! Are you having a good birthday?"
"Yes, but it would be even better if I could open my presents and eat cake!"
Damn it. I was so caught up in the Jane drama that I completely forgot about the little girl who was waiting for me in the other room.
Everyone sat at the table, whilst I turned out the lights and brought Rosa her birthday cake. The group provided an interesting rendition of 'Happy Birthday'.
"Don't forget to make a wish"
She thought for a moment and then began to blow out the candles.
"What did you wish for?" I asked.
Before Rosa had a chance to argue, there was a knock at the door.
"It came true! My wish came true!" Rosa jumped down from her seat and ran to the door.
I ran after her. As soon as she opened the door, we were greeted by a tall, raven-haired stranger.
"Aunt Jane! You came!"
Angela rose from her seat, it appeared that my confusion was mirrored on her features. Jane was back. After all this time, Jane was finally home.
I was so unsure of how to feel. I was thrilled and furious, all at the same time.
I know Jane's behaviour may seem a little out of character but please trust me, it will all make sense soon!
