A.N. Thank you for all of your lovely reviews. Clody – in answer to your question, Rosa has grown up hearing stories about Jane and there a photographs of her dotted all around Maura's house. This will actually be addressed in a later chapter, but I just wanted to put you mind at ease right now. Hope this helps :)
N.B. In this story, flashbacks are written in italics. These sections are not set in the present, they are sequences of events that have already occurred but help set the scene or show a character's thought process. I hope this provides some clarity and makes it slightly easier to follow this chapter.
"Good morning Frankie, thanks for coming to pick me up today."
"It's not a problem, Maura. Mind if we swing by Boston Joe's for coffee before work?"
"Not at all."
Boston Joe's was buzzing and it appeared that everyone in the city had decided to pile in and pick up their morning coffee. It was understandable really; Boston Joe's serves the best coffee in the area, and not only does the consumption of coffee provide an energy boost, new research suggests that black coffee may lower the risk of liver disease and even act as a preventative measure of diabetes.
"Non-fat, no foam latte for Maura." The barista called out.
"Thank you." I smiled as I reached out for my coffee.
I stepped back to join Frankie again. He was still waiting patiently for his espresso.
"Maura. That's a pretty name, it certainly suits you."
I turned towards the voice and found myself staring into the eyes of an attractive yet unremarkable looking man. His eyes had a certain twinkle but they were a muddy brown, nothing like Jane's rich and soothing chocolate brown eyes. He was tall, had good musculature, a chiselled face, and a well-groomed mop of curly black hair.
"Thank you." I blushed.
"I'm Kevin, by the way. It was a pleasure to meet you, Maura. I hope to see you again sometime." He beamed as he turned to leave.
"Wow, that guy was totally into you! You should go after him and ask him out for a drink later." Frankie encouraged.
"I don't know, Frankie… It would be impossible to book a decent sitter at this short notice and I haven't been on a date in a really long time. I wouldn't know what to talk about or what to wear! It would be a disaster!"
I had only been on a few dates since Rosa was born, and none of them were experiences I would like to relive. Everyone kept telling me that I should start dating again, that it would be good for me, but it didn't feel good to me. It felt wrong.
"I'll watch Rosa and help you prepare for your date! Job done, now go after him!"
Maybe I should go after him. For all I know, he could be the one. Who am I kidding? I'm not even sure I believe in 'the one' anymore, but I know that it's not him. Still, I went after him and arranged to meet him at a fancy new bar later that night. He was charming and it might be nice to enjoy someone else's company for a change. It doesn't have to mean anything, it doesn't have to be true love or something fantastical like that. It can just be simple and easy and feel right in the moment.
I didn't think it was possible for this date to go any worse than the last but I could not have been more wrong. This was awful. I let myself in quietly and wished that this dreadful night could just be over already. Upon seeing me enter, Frankie leapt up from the couch.
"Maura? What happened?" Frankie asked, his voice soft but thick with emotion.
I glided towards the counter and dumped my keys on the surface. I pulled out a stool and sat down slowly. I really didn't feel like talking about it. Not now, not ever. It was humiliating. I rested my elbows on the counter and held my head in my hands. Frankie cautiously made his way over to me and gently placed his hand on my shoulder.
"Talk to me, Maura."
I looked up to meet Frankie's gaze and saw the concern in his eyes.
"Kevin stood me up." I informed.
"What? Are you kidding me?" He probed, his voice now full of anger.
"I waited for 35 minutes and there still wasn't any sign of him. I thought he might be stuck in traffic or something, maybe he was just running late. I tried calling him a few times, but he ignored all of my calls. After I had been waiting for a whole hour, I decided to call him one last time. When he finally picked up, he explained that he got held up at work but I knew he was lying. I could hear music blaring in the background; he must have been in a club somewhere, probably trying to hook up with another woman."
"I'm so sorry, Maura." Frankie soothed.
"It happens." I shrugged, attempting to brush it off but my voice was heavy with defeat.
Frankie saw right through my façade and pulled up a stool next to me. It wasn't so much that I was upset things didn't work out with Kevin, that didn't really bother me as my heart wasn't in it anyway. What bothered me was that no matter what, I always seemed to end up alone.
"Frankie?" I asked quietly.
He smiled slightly and gave me a gentle nod, encouraging me to continue.
"Is there something wrong with me? Am I a terrible person?" I whispered.
I desperately tried to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall. Nobody likes a whiny, snivelling misanthropist.
"Maura, look at me."
Frankie's warm brown eyes bored into my soul. He gently placed his hand on top of mine and continued.
"There is nothing wrong with you, okay? You are beautiful, and kind, and insanely smart. You are one of my favourite people. Kevin is an idiot for standing you up." He smiled.
A stray tear trickled down my face and I offered him an appreciative but watery smile in return.
"I have had the worst luck when it comes to dating!" I shook my head and let out a bitter chuckle.
Frankie squeezed my hand a little tighter and looked at me. His expression was gravely serious.
"Maura, can I ask you something? Do you think it's possible that all of your dates have ended badly because you are sabotaging yourself?" He enquired delicately.
"What do you mean, Frankie?"
He let out a long sigh and shook his head. He was clearly conflicted about whether or not he should continue.
"I think you are waiting for someone else to swoop in and save you, but she isn't coming, Maura. Jane isn't coming."
"I don't know what you're talking about! I am not waiting for Jane!" I stressed.
It had been almost two years since Jane left and it was becoming abundantly clear that we didn't have a future together. Even when she was here, she wasn't interested in me. It was never going to happen.
"Yes you are, Maura. You love her. It's written all over your face."
I furrowed my brow. Was it really that obvious? Frankie offered me a sad half-smile and carried on talking.
"She must have been pretty special to you because nobody can measure up to her. I know that's what you do every time you meet someone new: compare. I'm sure she was a great friend and I'm sure she made you feel awesome when she was with you, but she's not here. She chose to move hundreds of miles away to become a big-shot FBI agent and I don't think she is thinking about leaving that life anytime soon. She hasn't visited you at all since she left, even though it only takes an hour and fifteen minutes to fly from DC to Boston. She hasn't even called you once, Maura. She's moved on, you should too. You deserve to be happy, Maura and you're not going to find happiness if you spend your whole life pining for Jane."
The floodgates opened and I couldn't hold back my tears any longer. Frankie was right, I was waiting for Jane. Whenever I pictured sharing my life with someone, it was always Jane. It was always Jane.
"I really miss her, Frankie. I wake up in the morning and I feel like I'm missing something. I know there's something not right, and it takes me a while to remember what it is. Then I remember. My best friend is gone. The love of my life is gone. I don't know who I am without Jane. It was so stupid of me to let myself rely so much on one person." I cried and shook my head.
"You're not stupid, Maura. I know it sucks right now, but it will get better. That pain you feel in your heart will go away. You will find love, or it will find you, but in order for that to happen, you have to let go of Jane."
"We had something so special, Frankie. I'm not sure if I'll ever be willing to let that go."
Lavender. That was the first thing I noticed as I drifted out of my slumber. Lavender with a hint of something else, a scent so sweet and intoxicating, something uniquely Jane. I let my eyes flutter open and I took in my surroundings. Jane's face was nestled into the crook of my neck and her arm was lovingly draped over my stomach. She looked so calm and peaceful in her sleep. I watched her chest rise and fall slowly, and felt her warm breath tickle my neck with each exhale. It was incredibly comforting having Jane there, feeling the warmth of her body against mine. It felt like heaven to me. I glanced over at the alarm clock on my bedside table. 6:40. I groaned, knowing that my alarm was due to go off any minute.
"Jane." I whispered softly into her ear.
Nothing.
"Jane." I whispered again as I lightly tapped her shoulder.
I felt guilty trying to wake Jane up but I had to get ready for work, and I was worried that it would upset her if she woke up and I was gone. The last thing I wanted was for her to wake up alone and assume that I had slipped away while she was sleeping because I was having second thoughts about being with her.
She finally opened her eyes and I could see those rich, deep, and alluring chocolate globes in all their glory.
"Morning." She yawned sleepily.
"Good morning." I beamed.
"What time is it?"
"Time to get up." I sighed sadly.
Jane did not respond verbally, instead she just snuggled in closer.
"Jane" I chuckled. "I have to get ready for work!"
I reluctantly untangled myself from Jane's embrace and immediately missed the sense of comfort and safety it provided me with. I swung my legs over the side of the mattress and pushed myself up with my hands. I was about to walk away when Jane caught my arm.
"Please come back. You're warm."
"I'm going to be late." I smiled half-heartedly.
I wanted nothing more than to lie next to Jane, feel the warmth radiating from her body, and to forget about the real-world for a moment.
"Five more minutes?" She begged.
I looked down at her sad baby-seal eyes and her adorable pout. She was impossible to resist. I rolled my eyes and sighed in defeat as I climbed back into bed. I inched myself into Jane's welcoming arms and smiled contentedly. I knew I really had to get ready for work, but right now, I found it almost impossible to care. Jane snuck her hand into my hair and allowed her nimble fingers to thread through the curls.
"Whatever you're worrying about, just stop." Jane muttered.
"How did you know I was worrying about something?" I asked in surpise. "You can't even see me."
"You really think I need to see your beautiful face to know that there's something going on in that brilliant brain of yours?" Jane asked lovingly, her eyes still tightly shut.
"I was just thinking about us –"
"You're not having second thoughts are you?" She asked as her eyes blinked open.
"No, of course not. I want to be with you, Jane… Unless that's not what you want, then –"
"I want that too, Maur." She grinned.
"So what are we? Are-are we girlfriends?" I queried.
"Yes, girlfriends. I like the sound of that." Jane sighed as she placed a tender kiss on my lips.
"We should tell people, shouldn't we? It's better that they hear it from us, and sooner rather than later." I thought.
"Can we just keep this to ourselves for a little bit longer, Maur?"
My heart sank. I felt the familiar sting in my eyes as they began to pool with water.
"Are you ashamed of me?" I asked dejectedly.
Jane placed her hands on my cheeks, and tilted my head upwards so that I could see her eyes. They were so full of love and adoration, there didn't appear to be a single trace of embarrassment.
"No, god, no." She shook her head vigorously. "Maura, I could never be ashamed of you. I love you so much that I want to shout it from the rooftops… but Tommy and Lydia are getting married this weekend, and everything should be about them. I don't want to steal their thunder." She explained affectionately.
Jane was right, the focus and attention should be on Tommy and Lydia. I could wait a few more days to share our news, couldn't I?
"I understand." I smiled.
"I love you Maura. I know I made a lot of mistakes, I know that I hurt you and all that pain doesn't just go away because I came back. I love you, and I want to try to make it up to you. You make me happier than I ever thought I could be, and if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way." Jane promised with absolute sincerity.
I kissed Jane passionately and felt her smile into my lips.
"I'll hold you to that." I grinned from ear to ear. "But now I really have to go to work!"
I bolted out of bed and straight into the bathroom. As I closed the door behind me, I felt a sudden wave of anxiety.
"Jane?" I called out in a panic.
"Maura, what is it? Is something wrong?" I heard Jane shriek from the bedroom.
"What do I do about your mother? She's going to ask me about last night and I can't avoid her all day!" I asked, poking my head around the door.
"Maura!" She huffed. "I thought something was seriously wrong!"
"It is! What am I going to do?! What am I going to say?!" I yelped.
"Just breathe. Say good morning and when she asks if you had a good night, just say yes and change the subject. You'll be fine." Jane patted me on the shoulder and chuckled.
"Good morning Angela!"
"Good morning honey! Did you girls have a nice night?"
"Yes!"
I quickly covered my mouth as I heard how that sounded. It was abrupt, almost rude even. Angela frowned, her beady blue eyes fixated on me. I composed myself and decided to try that again.
"Yes, we did have a nice night thank you." I clarified politely.
Angela knew something was going on. I could see her trying to solve the puzzle, work out the mystery, but it looked like she drew a blank. Her frown was replaced by a bright smile and she threw her arms around me.
"I'm so glad you're friends again! It's nice to have my favourite girls in the same place again." Angela gushed.
"Me too. Everything is better when Jane's here." I smiled.
I gently patted her on the back before breaking away from her embrace.
"Thank you again for having Rosa last night, I hope she behaved for you!"
"She was an angel, as always. She's such a good kid and so unlike any of mine when they were babies!" She joked.
"She has her moments!" I chuckled. "Anyway, I should get to work. Take care Angela."
"You too, honey. Have a nice day!" She called after me.
When I arrived at my office, I unpacked my briefcase and tried to get myself organised in preparation for the day ahead. I sat down at my desk and was about to tackle a mountainous pile of paperwork when a very solemn looking Korsak knocked on my door.
"Sorry to disturb you Doctor Isles, but we need you upstairs." He stated.
I furrowed my brow; this must be serious.
"Of course, I'll be right there." I assured and he walked away.
I was right. It was serious. The day went from being bright and cheerful to miserable and overcast in a heartbeat. Life in the lab was particularly chaotic and it was evident that I would be working late tonight. I pulled out my phone from my purse and texted Jane to let her know that I would be home late, and to ask if she could pick Rosa up from school for me.
My body felt weary, heavy and unsteady as I clambered out of my car and headed towards the house. I clutched a stack of casefiles close to my chest as I opened the front door. As I walked in, I saw Jane reading to a pyjama-clad Rosa on the couch. The tender scene unfolding in front of me warmed my heart, and already I felt a little better. Jane looked up from the book and offered me a warm smile.
"Hi Maur."
In an instant, Rosa leapt up from the couch and the swift action seemed to somewhat startle Jane.
"Mommy, you're home!" Rosa cried as she charged towards me.
She threw her arms around my legs, encompassing me in a tight hug. I set my briefcase and files down on the floor, and crouched down to embrace her properly.
"I missed you so much, sweetie." I exclaimed as I smothered her in kisses.
"I missed you too, mommy." Rosa smiled.
Every night when I return home from work, Rosa always runs to welcome me at the door. I am always so glad whenever I can share her love and light and laughter, but sometimes I feel a melancholic sadness because I know that she is growing up so fast and one day, she will enter her own world and she won't need me anymore. In those moments, I just want to cling onto her and never let her slip away.
"Mommy?" Rosa asked, quietly pulling me from my thoughts.
"Yes sweetie?"
"You're hugging me too tight." She croaked.
"Sorry!" I quickly dropped my arms and released her.
"Mommy, is something wrong?" Rosa enquired sweetly.
"No, nothing is wrong. Mommy's just had a long day." I sighed.
Jane furrowed her brow; she knew that there was more to it than that and I smiled sadly, wordlessly informing her that we will talk about it later.
"So, what have you two been up to today?" I queried.
Jane looked as if she was about to answer but Rosa pipped her to the post.
"I learnt so much at school today! It was really fun… but Jamie pulled my hair again. Why can't we be friends?"
Jamie is a little boy in Rosa's class. He has fair hair, a freckled face and very closely resembles the cartoon character Dennis the Menace. On one occasion he pushed Rosa off her bike; his parents were horrified and very apologetic. It seems he is always causing mischief.
"Because he's silly but once he grows up a bit, I'm sure he'll see what he's been missing out on." Jane explained as she playfully ruffled Rosa's hair.
Rosa let out a quiet yawn and it was obvious that she was desperately trying to stay awake.
"Come on you, time for bed."
"But mommy! I'm not tired." Rosa protested.
I raised my eyebrows knowingly and she involuntarily yawned again.
"Okay mommy." She relented.
She slowly approached Jane again, raising her arms for a hug. Jane happily obeyed and placed a kiss into her hair.
"Goodnight Aunt Jane. Thank you for taking me to the park and for reading to me. The Little Mermaid is my favourite."
"Goodnight bud, sweet dreams."
I held out my hand for Rosa and she took it, delicately weaving our fingers together. Rosa continued to chatter away (and yawn in between each sentence) until we reached her bed. I pulled back the covers, allowed her to climb in, and then tucked her in tightly. I smoothed her honey blonde curls out of her face and pressed a light kiss on her forehead. She looked up at me inquisitively with her turquoise eyes.
"Mommy? Is Aunt Jane going to stay with us forever?"
"I hope so." I replied.
"Good. I like having her here… She plays with me and she makes me laugh a lot and she gives really good hugs!" Rosa added enthusiastically.
"Yes she does." I chuckled.
I kissed her forehead one last time and turned to walk towards the door again. I leant up against the doorframe for a little while and Rosa smiled at me sleepily.
"Goodnight mommy."
"Goodnight sweetheart." I whispered as I switched off the light.
I headed back into the living room and slumped onto the couch.
"Looks like you've had a tough day. What happened?" Jane asked, her voice loaded with quiet concern.
"Tough case. The victim was just a child. He was only five years old, Jane. His hands and feet were bound, he was beaten, he had a clear plastic bag forced over his face and duct-tape wrapped around the opening of the bag and his neck. He suffocated slowly and he would have been able to see everything that was going on around him. I can't even begin to imagine how frightened he must have been."
"Oh god, that's awful. Poor kid."
Jane slowly sat down beside me. My hands were clasped together and placed in my lap, I sat up with my back straight, and tried to remain composed, desperately willing myself to hold it together.
"I've always found child murder cases difficult but since having Rosa, it has been far more distressing. All I can think about is how little he was, he was supposed to have his whole life ahead of him, and his poor parents are going to have to bury their son. It isn't fair." I sobbed.
It was all too much to bear. This case and everything surrounding it had taken its toll on me. With those tempestuous thoughts raging through my head, I finally cracked and broke down. Jane engulfed me in a loving embrace and consoled me.
"Hey, it's okay Maur. I've got you. What happened to that boy is disgusting and heart-breaking, and you are bound to feel sad about it, so cry. Let it all out, and tomorrow you will go back to work and do what you do better than anyone else. You will find all the evidence you need to nail the monster who did this."
At that moment, it was impossible for me to imagine how I had ever coped without Jane. Although love can be painful and heart-breaking at times, you should open your heart anyway. If you give up on love because you're scared of getting hurt again, or if you turn your back on true love because separation leads to temporary depression, you are going to miss out on something wonderful. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I want to spend the rest of my life with Jane because I love her. I will never be willing to give up on her, and I will never be willing to let go of the love I have for her.
