Jane and I were sitting at the kitchen counter. She was slumped over it as if she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders. She had one arm draped across her body and the other outstretched so that she could reach the salt shaker. She tapped it lightly against the countertop to the beat of a metronome. The sound was almost comforting in comparison to the deafening silence. I felt the urge to say something but there wasn't anything I could say to improve the situation. If there was, I know that I would have been saying it. Each second lingered, and it became impossible to tell how long we had been sitting there like this for.
"Good morning, girls." Angela saluted as she emerged from the guest room.
Her warm greeting startled me out of my thoughts.
"Good morning, Angela." I replied softly and smiled sadly.
"Morning, ma."
Angela intuitively picked up on the dark and heavy atmosphere, her smile fading as the severity of the situation dawned on her.
"Couldn't you find the little boy? I'm sure he'll turn up soon –"
"No, ma. We found him, but we were too late." Jane explained, her husky voice laden with sadness.
"I'm so sorry, baby." Angela uttered as she rushed over to Jane's side.
She placed a quick kiss on Jane's right cheek. Although it was brief, it was full of love, and kindness, and understanding. Angela put her arm around Jane, allowing her hand to settle on Jane's shoulder. She also planted a kiss into Jane's hair. The moment was devastatingly beautiful. I felt a stray tear trickle down my cheek and I quickly brushed it away before anyone else noticed.
"Thanks ma." Jane muttered as she placed her hand over Angela's.
"His poor family. I can't imagine what they must be going through. A parent should never have to bury their child. That's not how it's supposed to be." She shook her head in disbelief.
I nodded my head in complete understanding. It was such an awful situation, one that no parent ever expects to find themselves in.
"Rosa is going to be so upset. She spent all evening making him a welcome home card. Does she know yet?" Angela asked apprehensively.
I shook my head and felt the sadness sweep over me again. I pursed my lips together to trap the sob that was choking my throat. I looked down at my hands and watched on helplessly as they continued to fidget. It was a very surreal feeling, almost dreamlike. None of it felt real, but it was real. This nightmare was real and the reality of what that meant began to sink in. I had to somehow find a way to explain all of this to Rosa.
"What am I going to tell her?" I asked, my voice trembled and the desperation echoed.
"I'll do it." Jane stated despondently.
"No. I'm her mom, I should do it."
Jane slipped her warm hand into mine, causing my fidgeting to cease. I looked up at her and she gave my hand a gentle squeeze in return.
"Maura, you don't have to do it alone anymore. I'm here now, we should do it together."
The weight of Jane's words hit me like a ton of bricks and left me feeling supported, and loved, and incredibly fortunate. It was unbelievably comforting to know that I no longer needed to travel through life's trials and tribulations alone anymore. Jane was my partner, my lighthouse, guiding me through the darkness and despair. I gave her a grateful yet watery smile and we ascended to Rosa's bedroom. Together.
Rosa was sitting cross-legged in the middle of her bed, flicking through her picture book. It is moments like these that remind me just how little she is. All the clichés about how fast children grow are true, and emotionally, Rosa is very mature for her age. It is easy to forget sometimes that she is only four years old. I looked to Jane and she gently nodded her head, encouraging me to approach Rosa.
"Rosa, can we talk to you for a minute?" I asked hesitantly.
"Not if I'm in trouble." She answered sweetly.
"You're not in trouble, sweetie."
My voice cracked and I desperately tried to blink back the tears that were threatening to fall.
"What's wrong, mommy?"
I looked over at Jane, her expression mirrored my own, and I shook my head as my tears stubbornly streamed down my cheeks. She furrowed her brow and seemingly heard my unspoken cry for help.
"It's about Jamie, buddy." She began, her inner-strength shining through.
I gravitated towards Rosa and climbed onto her bed, settling on my side and curling myself around her.
"Is he home already?" She asked, her eyes twinkling with excitement.
My heart went out to her, and the pain was crippling because unlike Rosa, I knew the heartbreak that was due to follow.
"No, buddy. Jamie's gone." Jane replied gently as she perched on the other side of Rosa's bed.
"I know, he's missing. But you said you would bring him home." Rosa frowned, confusion lacing her delicate features.
"When we found Jamie, his body had already stopped working and he's gone now. He's gone to heaven, okay? You're not gonna be able to see him anymore." Jane explained lovingly as her voice began to falter.
"What about at school? Is he not going to be able to play with me anymore?" Rosa asked desolately as she turned towards me again.
I gently placed my hand on her back and began to trace soft and soothing patterns.
"Rosa, he died, sweetie. He can't play with you anymore. And mommy and Aunt Jane are very sad about what happened, so it's okay if you're sad too. I know that you're really going to miss him."
"What about his welcome home card? I haven't finished it yet."
Rosa jumped up and I tried to embrace her, however, she was just too nimble. She slipped away and drifted towards the door.
"Rosa, sweetie, listen to me –" I called after her.
Rosa stopped just before the door and turned to look back at me.
"I have to finish it, mommy. He's going to like it, you'll see." She stated resolutely.
I let out a long sigh that was drawn sorrowfully from the bottom of my gut. I dabbed away the traces of my tears and Jane pulled me into her arms.
"It's going to be okay, Maura. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but just give it time." Jane soothed as she kissed my cheek tenderly. I nestled into Jane's embrace and tried to savour every moment.
Jane and Angela left for work a short while later. Jane offered to stay with me, however, I know first-hand how important her work is and I didn't want to keep her from it. Rosa sat at the dining table and decorated her card for Jamie. She furrowed her brow and tugged her bottom lip between her teeth in concentration as she coloured furiously.
"Mommy, I've finished! Do you like it?" She exclaimed.
"Wow! I love it, Rosa. You did a really good job." I smiled.
"Can we give it to Jamie now? Please, mommy?!" She begged.
I thought for a moment, unsure of how best to proceed. As I carefully considered my options, an idea popped into my head.
"We can send it to him later, but I need you to help me with something first!"
"What is it, mommy?"
"I was thinking we'd make your nanny Angela's special lasagne to take over to Jamie's family. What do you say?"
"Okay mommy, but why is it special?" She asked sceptically.
"It's a special family recipe that specifically calls for a beautiful four-year-old girl named Rosa to help make it!" I explained, playfully tapping her on the nose.
Rosa giggled. Her laugh is such a sweet sound that I will never tire of hearing.
"Really?!" She asked excitedly.
"Uh-huh! Now, the secret is to make the pasta yourself. It doesn't taste nearly as good if you buy it from the store." I whispered.
"Wow!" She exclaimed, her voice full of amazement.
We got straight to work, and it was a messy but rewarding experience. I love cooking with Rosa because we get to spend quality time together and it is a skill that will be useful to her in the future. I also find that cooking helps me to relax and de-stress. Once the lasagne had cooked and cooled, I carefully placed it into a Tupperware container.
"Ooh you have been such a good little helper! Are you ready to go, sweetie?"
"Almost, mommy. I just need to put my shoes on." Rosa smiled as she jumped down from the counter.
I picked up her card for Jamie and slipped it into my purse.
"Mommy, I'm ready!" Rosa called out to me in a sing-song voice.
"Okay then, let's go!"
I parked the car outside the Bennett family home. It was situated in such a lovely cul-de-sac. With the beautiful flowers and perfectly landscaped gardens, it was hard to believe that something so awful happened here. I climbed out of the car and helped Rosa out of her car seat. I held her hand tightly as we approached the house. It was very picturesque and the garden was surrounded by a white picket fence and everything. There was a swingset in the garden and a little boy was gently swinging on one swing, while the other swing remained completely still.
"Look, mommy! There's a boy who looks just like Jamie, only bigger!" Rosa pointed.
"That's his big brother, Luke. Why don't you go and say hello? He could probably use a friend right now." I suggested.
Rosa nodded her head, let go of my hand, and went to join Luke on the swingset. I slowly approached the front door and knocked gently.
Jamie's mom answered the door and her expression suggested that she was shocked to see me. We had only met each other once before, so it was quite possible that she didn't remember me, and I didn't really want to remind her of the circumstances of our last conversation. She was grieving the loss of her son; it would be completely unnecessary to remind her that we only met because her son was teasing my daughter.
"Hello Catherine, I'm not sure if you remember me but I'm Maura Isles."
"I remember you." The corners of her lips curled upwards, displaying a slight hint of a smile.
"Rosa and I just wanted to drop off some homemade lasagne. It's my friend Angela's famous recipe. I'm so sorry for your loss."
I handed her the tub of lasagne and she set it down on a table beside the door.
"Thank you."
I nodded in acknowledgement and offered her a warm smile.
"It's so nice to see him smiling again." She gestured towards Luke and Rosa.
I watched for a moment as the pair chattered and giggled. It appeared that they were in competition with each other, trying to see who could swing the highest.
"It's remarkable how resilient children are. Anyway, we should be going. I also wanted to give you my number. Please don't hesitate to let me know if you need anything." I added as I handed Catherine a piece of paper with my phone number scribbled on it.
She gratefully accepted the piece of paper and immediately enveloped me in a tight hug. I wasn't used to hugging acquaintances, however, these were extraordinary circumstances. I tried not to be awkward and reciprocated the action.
"Thank you, Maura." She sighed as she broke away from my embrace.
"Take care, Catherine." I said politely.
"You too, goodbye Maura."
"Come on, sweetie. It's time to go now." I called out to Rosa.
"Okay, mommy." She replied as she jumped down from the swing.
Rosa slipped her tiny hand into mine and happily let our fingers entwine.
"Bye Luke!" She shouted as we began to leave.
"Bye Rosa." Luke smiled.
I opened the gate and let Rosa pass through it. I turned back towards Luke and Catherine, and mouthed 'bye', softly waving and smiling simultaneously.
"Mommy, where are we going now?" Rosa asked as I strapped her into her car seat once again.
"You'll have to wait and see!"
We stopped off at a party shop and I instructed Rosa to pick out a balloon. She chose a huge pink one. Rosa is obsessed with anything pink. She watched in awe as the shop assistant filled the balloon with helium. The woman handed Rosa the balloon and I told her to hold onto it tightly. After I paid, we got back in the car and headed to the next destination. Boston Common.
Rosa's eyes lit up as we arrived at the park.
"Okay, sweetie. I need you to make sure that you hold onto your balloon for just a few more minutes, okay?"
"Okay, mommy. It feels like it wants to fly away!"
I pulled out the card from my purse and rolled it up into a tube shape. I tied the string of the balloon around the tube as Rosa watched in confusion.
"What are you doing, mommy?"
"We're sending your card to Jamie. The regular mail won't reach him anymore, but maybe this will."
I knew that the card would never reach Jamie, but it was important that Rosa got to say goodbye. I hoped that this would help her to understand that Jamie was gone.
"Okay, sweetie. Let go when you're ready."
"Mommy? Aunt Jane said Jamie is in heaven now. Do you believe in heaven?"
"I'm not sure, Rosa."
"Why not?"
"Because it's impossible to know if it's real or not until we die."
"But that doesn't mean you can't believe in it, mommy. It just means you don't know the real answer yet."
"When did you become so smart?" I asked proudly.
"I don't know. I'm going to let go now." She smiled.
She released the balloon and we followed it with our eyes as it slowly drifted away.
"Look, mommy! It's going up and up and up!" Rosa squealed excitedly.
I knelt down and hugged Rosa tightly. I wished that I could know what she was thinking or feeling, but it wasn't possible. All I could do was hope that releasing the balloon taught her that you can't hold onto everything forever, and that sometimes we need to learn to let go. I also hoped that it would bring her some sort of closure on Jamie's death.
"He's free now, mommy." Rosa whispered dreamily.
"Yes he is, sweetie." I smiled.
