CHAPTER 19 - Kindling Fire With Snow

000ooo000ooo000ooo000


When she regained her footing, Raven was astonished to find herself in a very posh entrance room with black marble floors and walls. White pillars stood proudly in each corner that told of great wealth and class. She looked to the floor and appraised the impressive golden family seal engraved into the marble that must have been five feet in diameter...an elegantly scripted capital 'M' inside an enormous circle that sprouted golden roses that entwined around the letter.

A moment later, two figures popped into existance right beside her: one swathed in heavy black robes and white mask, the other dressed in worn, ill-fitted black robes. The sorceress stared in amazement at the second wizard...there was no mistaking the limp, greasy hair; the oversized, beaky nose; and the intense, almost hollow eyes of midnight black. Yet this Snape was different. He was as young as Raven appeared to be. Couldn't be older than twenty or nineteen. He didn't wear Death Eater robes.

This must have been a night before he joined Voldemort.

The figure next to young Severus pulled his hood down and removed his mask, revealing a much younger, yet still arrogant and self-confident, Lucius Malfoy. He appeared to be a few years older than his companion, yet it was astounding how little he'd changed when he matured. His hair was much shorter in this memory, and slicked back with gel, or some other substance. His hand was on Snape's shoulder, and he guided the younger wizard through the Apparation chamber into the manor.

Raven gave a start when she felt a hand gently shove her forward after the two men. She whipped around and was shocked to see the flesh-and-blood Professor Snape standing behind her. "Wha-?"

He cut her off with another shove on her back. "Move," he said sharply. "I shall only show you these memories once."

The empath shut her mouth and did as he said, swallowing her surprise at him being there with her.

The room they entered was magnificent, to say the least. What must have been a lounge or study had been converted to a reception hall or gathering room for this special occasion. The ceiling stretched to an incalcuable height, and the walls were cloaked in massive and intricately woven tapestries. A grand marble fireplace that dwarfed even the tallest guest stood in the middle of the west wall, and the hard-wood floor practically shone. Golden candelabras, some floor length, some smaller, were scattered throughout the room. Four on the mantlepiece, eight in the corners of the room, and a breathtaking chandelier, along with the roaring fire in the hearth provided the immense room with plenty of light. The entire hall was saturated with the soft noise of conversation and the scent of red wine and champagne. Strains of softly played music filled the air, though there was no string quartet to produce it.

The number of people present surprised her...it was nearly full. Witches and wizards were clad in very formal dress robes, mingling about with fine champagne in their hands. Every so often, a house elf would appear and refill their glasses as they continued talking.

At the far end of the ballroom, sitting in an exhaulted throne of sorts, was none other than Lord Voldemort himself, his red eyes calmly surveying the crowd. When his gleaming eyes caught sight of the two newest guests, he rose to his feet. He needn't say anything, for his movement was powerful enough for the entire room to fall silent and still, following his gaze. Young Severus wasn't experienced enough to hide his nerves at this type of attention, and his black eyes anxiously shifted about, keeping low to the ground.

The Dark Lord spread his arms in welcome as a smile slithered onto his face. "Come forward."

Snape seemed stuck to the floor, but after a split second's struggle, stumbled forward through the parting crowd, Lucuis following gracefully. Once the young Slytherin reached the back of the room, he fell to his knees, shaking just a tad. His stringy hair made a protective curtain around his face, and he kept his head parallel with the floor, too afraid to look up at his soon-to-be master. Voldemort seemed to have a genuine warmth about his expression, which up until now, Raven thought impossible. Was this not the same creature she'd seen in the Pensieve not three days ago? Raven shook her head and continued to watch the scene unfolding before her.

The Dark Lord knelt down and lifted the chin of the boy with a scaly finger. "You fear me ssso, yet you have made it thiss far. There is bravery in you, young one. You may sssstand."

Still trembling slightly, Snape slowly got to his feet.

"Tell me, young Severusss," Voldemort said quietly, holding the Slytherin's gaze warmly, "Why do you wish to join my caussse?"

The boy swallowed thickly. "I - I support your mission...and I want to help in any way I can."

Tom Riddle closed his eyes and shook his head in slight amusement at his answer. "My boy, you may tell me the truth. Lord Voldemort likes honessty in his followerss. You sssseek fellowship, power, ressspect, and belonging."

Snape's mouth opened and closed without sound.

"Too long you have ssuffered rejection and ssscorn. Too long you have been passsed-over and ignored...underessstimated."

Something passed over Severus' eyes that Raven couldn't quite read. But whatever Voldemort had said had struck home.

"Sir - ?"

The Dark Lord waved a hand to silence him. He then lowered that same hand onto the shorter boy's shoulder in a comforting fashion. "Lucius tells me you are exccceptionally talented when it comes to the art of potion-making. Ssomething of a prodigy...?"

It didn't take a skilled Legillimens to read the expression that was so obvious on Snape's face. Wonder. Hope. Disbelief.

Voldemort chuckled at Snape's reaction to his words. "You were expecting a monsster? Torture?" He squeezed the younger man's shoulder. "Did you anticccipate someone who would degrade your fine abilities? Question your worth? Tossss you out on your ear? Someone who would be disssgusted?" He lowered his reptillian face to Severus'. "I am not Dumbledore."

Snape let out a shakey breath.

"Now," the Dark Lord murmured, "If you are to join me, you will need attire suited for your new position."

The young man ducked his head self-consciously and straightened his oversized, rumpled, and worn robes shamefully. "I...I do not have -"

Again, Tom Riddle rose his hand to silence him. "You do not think Lord Voldemort would leave you bereft of meanss, do you? I take care of my own." At that, the Dark Lord swirled his black wand in an arc over Snape. The tattered excuse for robes shimmered and fluttered in golden energy until they'd transformed into well-tailored dress robes in a rich forest green of the finest quality. The silver brocade practically glowed, and the heavy silk flowed against the floor as they settled around his heels.

The younger version of Severus seemed to swell within them: his posture straightened almost unconsciously, and he seemed to fill these robes mentally as well as physically. His ebony eyes gleamed with an indefinable quality. Not quite pride, not quite fulfillment...he'd finally had a taste of the better things in life and liked it. The naked gratitude in his gaze was inspiring.

The Dark Lord turned his new protege to face the gathering with an arm around his shoulders. "This is Severusss Ssnape!" he proclaimed to his reverent audience. "He will be found welcome. With us, he shall find resspect. With usss, he shall find a family." He Summoned a goblet of red wine into his hand and pressed it into the younger man's fingers. "To Sseverus Ssnape, our honored member!"

Snape, his face flushed pink, was answered with an energetic chorus of toasts in his name.

Here, the memory sped up, as if it were on fast-forward, and only Raven and the real Severus Snape remained in real time. Images flashed by of young Snape being escorted around the room by the Dark Lord with his arm around him, being introduced to the other members. Eventually, the playback slowed down just enough for Raven to watch the marking ceremony. The memory did not slow down to normal speed, but then again, it really didn't need to. The Dark Lord made his way back to the head of the room, flanked by Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange, and summoned young Severus to him. The crowd quieted and watched as the ceremony was conducted.

It couldn't have been more than ten minutes. The young man's face was an open book of eagerness...and a bit of vindictive revenge in his eyes. He barely flinched when the Dark Mark was branded into his flesh.

They were out of the memory, standing before his desk in his office. Snape's eyes were guarded as he stood rigidly, waiting for her response. But she simply stood there, considering all that she'd seen. He found he could no longer stand the silence, and cursed himself for being so weak even as he broke it. "Well?" he asked accusingly. "Do you understand, Miss Roth?" His tone was acidic and harsh.

He hoped very much so. He felt exhausted from such exposure and wanted all this to be over.

Raven was still quiet. She had watched and listened very intently throughout the meeting, and was processing and analyzing the information she'd collected. He suddenly realized he was waiting for her scorn and disapproval...a tirade of condemnation on how weak he'd been in his youth. But it never came.

"I think I do. You wanted power and respect. He gave it to you."

"You were expecting some deeply held convictions, per chance?" he sneered. "The truth is that I am a petty, selfish, vindictive man, and I joined them for petty, selfish, and vindictive reasons. I wanted respect. I couldn't get that simply for being who I was," - like James Potter or that mongrel Black - "So I took it by force. The Dark Lord gives people what they crave. Don't be foolish to think every meeting is like the one you witnessed before."

She 'hmm'ed. Raven tried to take a step, but her head felt lightheaded, and she had to plant a steadying hand on the desk to keep her knees from buckling. "Oof," she mumbled, holding her head in her other hand.

Snape nodded in understanding. "Dizziness is a common side effect from viewing Penseive memories. Allow me." He turned and strode from the room, returning a few moments later with a small vial in his hand. "Drink. It will clear your head."

Raven uncorked the bottle and downed the contents.

Severus exhaled in annoyance...glad she had taken the potion, yet irritated she had been so trusting. Caution with foreign and unknown substances would have to be one of their upcoming lessons.

But the potion seemed to do the trick, for the demoness righted herself. "Thank you." Snape waved her gratitude away with a hand. "There is one thing I am curious about. If the Dark Lord gives his followers what they want, who does the dirty work?"

"There are plenty within the his ranks that desire to inflict pain. I assure you there is no shortage of Death Eaters who take pleasure in the dirty work. But in general, the Dark Lord uses your individual talents and preferences to his advantage. Unless there is some pressing need, he will let you do what you excel at and enjoy. In my case, it was potions. That is, until I began teaching at Hogwarts."

"He asked you to spy," Raven filled in for him.

He nodded. "They both did."

"Dumbledore and Voldemort both -"

"DON'T say it!" he barked.

She raised an eyebrow. "It's just a name."

Severus closed his eyes, almost as if in pain. In truth, he was sealing off all cracks in his mental defenses...raising his shields...preparing for the invasion about to come. "The name...I'm connected to the Dark Lord always. When I - or anyone bearing the mark hears it... he hears it. He enters my mind to investigate. A form of eavesdropping. Occlude!" he ordered, "Keep your mind barriers up!"

He could feel the Dark Lord's presence slipping into his mind. Instantly, he projected out thoughts and emotions to coincide with what he was seeing.

Gaining the girl's confidence.

Showing her his memories of taking the Mark...how proud and powerful he felt.

Her naiive carelessness and incaution...she was overconfident.

She trusted him.

He looked away from her, breaking eye contact. He felt a foreign sense of satisfaction, some curiosity, and a cold calculation that he knew would frighten him, once he allowed himself to feel again. After what felt like an eternity, the Dark Lord left his mind. He waited for a moment, until the dizzy feeling passed. He was grateful that the girl thought to seem puzzled by his stare, to throw the Dark Lord off.

Snape breathed heavily, his eyes sharpening in anger. "That's why everyone is afraid to say his name! No one knows if there's a Death Eater in hearing range! Our senses are at his disposal whenever he sees fit to invade one of us."

The empath's frowned in suspicion. "And Dumbledore knows of this?"

"Of course!" He bared his teeth. "He refers to the Dark Lord as 'Tom' when he's in Order meetings because I'm there!"

Raven's frown deepened in confusion. "But...he uses it when he's around you at other times. And he didn't stop me from using it in front of you."

Snape's mouth twisted into something resembling a sneer, yet not quice a grimace. "Albus..." he fished for words, "...likes to taunt the Dark Lord." Severus' mouth flattened in recognition of Raven's shock. "It is his way of...giving the Dark Lord the finger, as the Muggles would phrase it."

"He does this knowing Riddle will invade your mind and be privy to a few moments of the discussion," she said, stating the obvious so it would sink into her understanding. "He does this on the faith that you'll be able to spin the situation and block all sensitive information with barely any warning?"

The man across from her nodded stiffly, and the sorceress quickly called to her mind the previous times the name Voldemort had been used in his company.

In Dumbledore's office... "He wouldn't happen to be a reptilian figure named Tom Riddle...or Voldemort, would he?" Snape had cringed. "No," she had said. "My father was named Trigon. He was a powerful demon who sadistically and self-servingly ruled over millions of worlds in his dimension." Well that explained how quickly Riddle had found out about her. Had Albus intended for him to find out about her so soon?

In Snape's quarters before they viewed the Penseive memory... "Miss Roth, would you rather not view the pensive? There may be scenes of violence, but you would also gain knowledge firsthand of what took place and what sort of danger you are currently in. You will also see what our adversary, Lord Voldemort, looks like and how he regularly deals." Snape had snarled a curse. "I am not a stranger to violence. And I would like to see this Dark Lord. I am not familiar with 'Pensives', as you call them, but I get the general idea. Just tell me what to do." Raven kicked herself. As if Voldemort would want that memory to be her first impression of him.

In the Order meeting... "You wish me to spy on Voldemort," she had stated. The rest of the room had gasped...did they know? Dumbledore had immediately looked to Snape and said very clearly, "Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself." Now she could see that declaration had been for the Dark Lord's ears and not necessarily the Order's. He had waited for a long moment before answering her...outwaiting Voldemort's presence in Snape's mind. He must have been very confident that Severus could Occlude the nature of the meeting from Tom.

In Grimmald Place after the meeting... "He's a house elf. And he's still devoted to Bellatrix Lestrange, a notorious Death Eater...he overheard this information, and it will soon be relayed to Voldemort." Members in the room had flinched. Raven remembered looking around the room, but Snape was already gone. He had already left, thank God.

Raven wondered in horror how many other instances she'd unwittingly almost caused a disaster. Then wondered in even deeper horror at the number of times this must happen to Snape when dealing with Dumbledore and the Golden Trio. And Dumbledore did it intentionally, just to flaunt his confidence in the face of Voldemort. There was a time and place for everything, but this was pushing it.

"That's disgusting," Raven commented aloud.

"As disgusting as it is, I entered into this situation knowingly that night."

"No, not that," Raven waved his words away impatiently. "That Dumbledore would risk your safety for the simple pleasure of thumbing his nose at the Dark Lord."

Snape did not respond, but she could tell he was regarding her carefully.

"It all seems so..." Raven grasped for a fitting description.

"Foolhardy?" he offered.

She tilted her head from side to side. "Childish," she inserted.

The silence stretched between them, making him feel very uncomfortable with this line of conversation. Severus cleared his throat. "I think we have spent enough time on my induction. The point being that the Dark Lord would not attract so many followers were he nothing but the wizard you saw in the first memory."

The empath nodded.

"I think, considering the evening is still young, we will move on to Legilimacy. I understand you possess mind barriers that prevented my initial attempt at entry, however, were you subjected to a thorough attack, I wonder if they'd hold. I will try to gain access to your mind, and you will stop me, understood?"

Raven shrugged but didn't object.

Snape centered his face to hers, his eyes meeting and holding her own. He lifted his wand at her. "Prepare yourself." Then, "Legilimens!"

In the time that followed, the sorceress held his gaze calmly, feeling his mind slide just past her eyes, but not gaining purchase on anything. She felt him slip back into his own eyes.

"Miss Roth," he said, ignoring her rolling eyes at the formal title, "While I admit you are adequate at blocking entry to your mind, I must point out that you are a dreadful Occlumens."

Raven tilted her head in curiosity, encouraging him to explain.

"A skilled Occlumens does not simply keep out unwanted invasions. If that were the case, I would have been dead by the Dark Lord's wand years ago. If he even suspected I controlled what he saw in my head, I would not be here today. A good Occlumens must project safe memories and thoughts, while keeping the dangerous ones hidden away. You must hide them even from your own self. When the Dark Lord rumages through my mind, I supply him with whatever memories will satisfy him in an unguided string, having the appearance of randomness that minds so often comprised of."

"This is indeed a useful tidbit of knowledge," Raven commented. "But doesn't he know already that I'm not fully human? Does it matter that he'll know I'm keeping him out?"

Snape paused in consideration. "The choice is yours. However, he may be more apt to trust you if he were under the impression he could read your mind."

She sighed, then confessed her true objection. "I don't know if I can, Professor. I've kept my mind closed for so long... I'm afraid anything could slip out."

He seemed to understand and simply nodded. "Then we will practice, if that is what you wish."

She took a breath.

"Prepare yourself," he instructed. "Legilimens!"

Again, she felt his presence dip into her eyes. The empath sucked in another breath and focused on the memory of the Quidditch match earlier that day. She relived the sounds of the players, the heat of the sun, the sudden gusts of wind. The scent of the freshly-cut grass, and the feeling of happiness...of acceptence that she'd given up on so long ago. The sensation of soaring through the air...she'd always loved to fly. It felt like freedom. The nerves that she refused admit jangled in excitement of the Quaffle coming at her. The mental agility with which she anticipated Katie's move, and the rush she felt as she successfully defended the goal.

Snape pulled back. "There is marginal improvement. I witnessed the memory, but it was so blatantly pushed forward by your consciousness that no one would believe this was random thought processes." He let out an overly-dramatic exhale. "When you know someone is entering your mind, your thoughts normally panic and fixate on either that which you do not want the attacker to see, or on the attacker himself."

Severus refused to analyze his motives for pursuing this area.

"Try again."

Raven readied herself for another go.

"Legilimens!"

This time around, she gave into her random thoughts. She let them come to the surface for his examination. So this what it felt like to be mentally raped...but not entirely, since she was in control of it. It was not an unpleasant experience, she found herself admitting, but that was hardly a reasonable justification for invading another's privacy. She still resolved never to do it unless absolutely necessary. It was necessary with that house elf Kreature. And with Professor Snape when he returned beaten to a pulp. But as far as when she -

Raven felt him tugging on the thread connected with his own encounter with her telepathy. She let him pursue it.

His bloodied and cursed body rose in her mind and she couldn't help but feel disgusted. The presence in her mind grabbed ahold of that feeling and dug deeper. She felt disgusted. But not by his appearance... then by what? She had caused it. Indirectly, of course, but she was still the cause of his torture. She could never forgive herself for that.

Raven could feel him pausing here, as though doubting the truth of these thoughts.

She had hoped to come to Hogwarts in order to leave behind all the pain she'd caused to others. And the first thing she does when she arrives is get an innocent man tortured almost to death. She hated herself so much as she recalled that broken face, barely recognizing her in the night. It didn't matter that she didn't know the reasons for his torture at the time. She did now.

Raven refused to let Snape follow more into those thoughts, and so tried to guide him out.

She knew he'd been tortured because the Dark Lord had listened in to more of her monologue than Severus had thought. Was it possible to be such an accomplished Occlumens and still not be in full control? What about now? Was she in full control? A bubble of uncertainty and irrational fear began to grow in her mind. What if she wasn't in control? What if some of her memories were being read without her awareness?

She felt Snape seize that fear and pull relentlessly

Suddenly, unbidden flashes of her past flickered in her mind...memories she was afraid he'd see. Memories she didn't want any living soul to see. This is what he meant by a skilled attacker finding a thread and following it to its end. Never let that thread be found...hide it from yourself.

Raven cleared her mind and instead focused on the pair of black eyes that seemed to bore into her very soul. Well, someone invading someone else's mind must certainly expect to find that their foremost thoughts are about the invader himself. That's what Severus had said.

So she did.

Raven spent the time actually looking at his eyes. So many times she'd seen them, but never before had she actually looked at them. They were dark, certainly, but not malevolent. Deep, shadowed, pools, almost unreadable. But there was something... an emptiness? No, not emptiness, but isolation. A guarded, defensive, distancing of himself from humanity. They were the eyes of a man who had long since ceased to expect gentleness from the world - and therefore no longer sought it. But that decision was the forced choice of one who saw no alternative.

Instinctively responding to this flash of insight, she reached a pale hand towards his arm. He seemed to flinch away at her movement.

He immediately dropped his wand arm and stepped back from her, exiting her head. "That is enough for this evening. You may return to your room." Was that really his voice? It sounded weak - croaky and unused to his ears. He seemed to be breathing heavily, and there was a light flush in his sallow cheeks. He seemed...afraid? Alarmed?

Raven immediately dropped her hand and returned it to the safety of her cloak. "We still have forty-five minutes, sir."

Threatened and off-balance in a way that he hadn't been for many years, Snape reacted the only way he knew how. "Why, I didn't realize you liked these sessions so much, Miss Roth." That was better. That sounded more like him. "Could it be you have some running bet with your little Gryffindor friends? Find out the dark, nasty secrets of the Potions Master and have a good laugh after he spills his guts in Penseives before you?"

Her expression had closed up, and her eyes had emptied, trying to maintain control over her emotions. She was shaking her head. He could see his words cutting into her, and some part of his brain told him to stop, but the need to strike out was too great.

"Perhaps this was all your own idea? I found out your history, and you feel the need to debase and humiliate me by pretending to pity me in your carefully crafted memories so you can make yourself whole again." He advanced on her in a predatory manner, his voice deepening and gaining a menacing quality. "Or maybe, you desire to pick me apart and inspect every repulsive inch of me in condescending mockery and derision so you can finally find somebody you can feel superior to."

Raven's face was neutral, but her eyes and brows were twitching. She finally had to close them and turn her head to the side to hide the tears.

He had reduced the stoic empath to tears, and she was trying to hide it from him. His ruthless tongue never failed him, no matter the target. The anger was extinguished in a wave of self-disgust. Attacking the blameless. His favorite technique. Snape turned away from her, and moved so her path to the door was clear.

Her angry voice assaulted him from behind. "I realize that I've been made a burden to you, Professor, and for that I apologize. But that gives you no right to judge me by your standards," she snapped.

Her words pierced him, and he couldn't stop from flinching.

"I have done nothing to warrant this. I hope our next session will be a bit more productive. Until tomorrow, Professor Snape." She turned on her heel and swept from the room, phasing through the door rather than taking the time to unlock and open it.

Severus turned and stared at the spot she'd disappeared for much longer than was necessary, his thoughts racing. What was happening to him? Why was he so effected? He stepped around the desk and slumped into the high-backed chair, cradeling his face in his fingers. Breathe, Snape, he told himself firmly. Breath. Deeply. Evenly. Balance the oxygen and carbon dioxide in your bloodstream. Concentrate on your heart rate.

Control. Stay in control.

Without any warning Raven had torn open half-healed, long ignored wounds. And he had reacted to the threat in his usual fashion. The tightness in his stomach comprised of feelings of helplessness and fear, self-loathing and rage. His troubled mind reflected on the evening. She had teased him. Not something that happened to him very often. And she had thanked him. Also an infrequent occurrence. Those memories...she blamed herself for his treatment. Since when had anyone cared? Or at least cared enough to doctor a memory to make it appear they cared? And for a moment, when she had focused on their eye contact, he had had seen… something he struggled to name. Something that had made her almost reach towards him.

...Something that he could never accept.

At least it was no longer something he needed to worry about...he had made certain of that. Snape closed his eyes as though the thought physically pained him.

It didn't matter. Better to quash this asinine shred of hope before it went too far - keep the girl at a distance. The sooner he quelled any of her ridiculous notions about him (and visa versa, his rebellious mind added), the safer she'd be. It was better this way.

And Severus could almost bring himself to believe it.


A/N: Title comes from Shakespeare:

Didst thou but know the inly touch of love,
Thou wouldst as soon go kindle fire with snow
As seek to quench the fire of love with words.

I do not seek to quench your love's hot fire,
But qualify the fire's extreme rage,
Lest it should burn above the bounds of reason.

The more thou damm'st it up, the more it burns.
The current that with gentle murmur glides,
Thou know'st, being stopp'd, impatiently doth rage;