Chapter 8:

Darkest Desire

"This isn't working!" I growled, frustrated, two months, two freaking months and nothing. Not even a whiff of our mindscapes, I was seriously considering giving the whole thing up as a lark.

Pansy sighed, opening her eyes. "No it's not."

"I don't understand, we're following the instructions, it clearly says that we should have made some progress by now." Hermione said.

I reached over and grabbed the book and flipped through it finding the page I wanted. "It says we must know our selves before we can find our mind scape." I looked up at them before continuing. "I don't know about you but I think I know myself pretty well."

"Obviously not." Pansy snarked.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Unless you've managed to find your mind scape in the last ten minutes you're not doing better than anyone else." She grabbed the book from me and flipped through it. "I don't know what else we can do, yes the book says it should take time but at this rate we won't find our mind scapes until we graduate."

"Occlumency is a difficult practice, most people rely on their natural barriers for a reason." Pansy said. It was true most wizards simply relied on their natural mental barriers for protection. The problem with natural barriers is they took the better part of a century before they became truly reliable, for obvious reasons I did not have time to wait for them to become useful.

Another reason to learn Occlumency was that it provided several benefits that natural barriers did not. Such as increased memory retention, acute sensitivity to mental probes and, if you're unfortunate enough to have had your mind tampered with, the ability to repair your memory and that was just what chapter one had to say on the benefits of occlumency. I said as much to Hermione and Pansy.

"I agree the potential benefits are very interesting, that is why we're trying to learn it." Pansy said. "But unless you know of a way to suddenly know yourself we are out of luck."

"Well there are several potions we could use." Hermione said, we looked at her intrigued. "But they all either cause insanity cost a ludicrous amount of money or are so hard to brew that it would actually take years to make. Or all three."

"How much exactly?" I asked. My trust vault was stuffed to the brim with gold, and if I was willing to bet the Potter vault was similarly well stocked. An expensive potion wasn't out of the question.

"10,000 Galleons per dose." Hermione said.

"Out of the question!" I said. That would drain most of my trust volt.

"Yes, I rather thought you would say that." Hermione drawled. I shot Pansy a look, Hermione had never drawled before. This was entirely Pansy's fault. Pansy just smirked.

"So potions are out. What about spells?" Pansy asked.

"I haven't been able to find any that would help us, but I did find reference to a ritual that would send you on a spirit journey and it seemed like that would be useful. But when I tried to look up more information on it, I well, couldn't find anything." Hermione said sheepishly.

"So unless you have anything that would help us find our greatest desire, we seem to be out of luck." Pansy said, looking at me. Desire? I couldn't be that easy, could it? The mirror should be in Hogwarts shouldn't it? "I was joking, but it looks like you may have something."

I shook myself from my thoughts. "I might. Have any of you heard of the Mirror of Erised?"

Hermione shook her head but Pansy nodded before speaking. "Yes, it shows your hearts greatest desire. But it went missing centuries ago."

"Think about where we are for a moment." I said. "Even if it's lost well I'm sure the room can make a decent stand in don't you?"

Pansy shook her head. "Even if it hadn't been lost, it's an artefact from the Faerie Courts and those have a way of killing their users or worse."

"Is the Mirror of Erised known to hurt people?" Hermione asked.

"People who look into it for too long are supposed to become ensnared, unable to look away, they wither until nothings left." Pansy shrugged. "At least that's all I remember about it."

"What if we only looked at it one at a time? That way if we stare at it to long we can pull each other away." I said. Pansy looked unsure but Hermione seemed bound and determined to finally make some progress.

"Let's do it." Hermione said. With that we stood and left the room, stopping only to peer out the door before leaving to see if anyone was in the hallway.

"So who wants to do the honors?" I asked. Pansy and Hermione glanced at each other before Pansy stepped forward.

"Mirror of Erised… Mirror of Erised… Mirror of Erised," Pansy muttered as she walked back and forth in front of the dancing trolls. When the door appeared we all looked at each other before moving as one to open it.

We stepped inside, our breaths misting in the chilled air. "It's freezing," Hermione said, slipping her hands into her robes, Pansy followed suit. The weather had gotten steadily colder since the start of school in September and now half way through November it was snowing. The air in here was much colder, the chill seeming to spread out from the mirror in the middle of the room.

The mirror itself was wrong, in a way that I can't quite put into words. It radiated menace in a manner that Voldemort could only hope to imitate. But at the same time it drew the eye, it made you look at it. Drawing you in and holding you as it sapped the life from you.

"I've changed my mind, let's try something else." I said nervously. This was not the mirror I remembered, not even close. "Pansy, are you sure you summoned the right mirror?"

I looked over when Pansy didn't answer to see her staring entranced at the mirror. Looking over at Hermione revealed her to be similarly snared. "Hermione." No response, but as I watched they both started moving towards the mirror, "That's not good."

The room we were in was small, barely half the size of a classroom. So they only had to walk maybe twenty feet to reach the mirror. Something I was fairly sure was a bad idea.

I twitched my arm, sending my wand into my hand. Well that's what was supposed to happen, instead it slipped through my fingers and clattered on the floor. What the hell? I stared at it a moment, that hadn't happened since I first got my holster.

I shook my head, time to focus. Grabbing my wand I tried summing them but my spell seemed to fissile out even as I cast it. "Not good, really not good!" I was close to panicking but I managed to stick my wand back into my holster.

Magic's not working so that just left stopping them physically. Thankfully they were just shambling towards the mirror, Pansy slower than Hermione, so I ran over to Hermione and grabbed her to pull her away. "Hermione, Hermione come on!" I pulled and pulled but she just kept stumbling towards the mirror. Finally I yanked her off her feet sending her spiraling. "Sorry," I said wincing, at the small cracking sound her head made as she hit the floor.

I turned towards Pansy, ignoring the retching coming from Hermione, she was nearly at the mirror. I threw myself at her catching her just as her hand was reaching for the mirror. Strong enough to carry me she may have been, but she was still an eleven year old girl. When I hit her we both went to the floor.

Pansy started gaging so I threw myself backwards away from her to avoid any spill over.

"Alex…"

"Huh," I turned around, only to find myself face to face with the mirror.

"Alex…"

"Mama," I felt my mind clouding, felt something start pulling on my magic, but I didn't care Mama was here. Both of them were here. Sliding forward just a bit I embraced the mirror. "Mama." Distantly I heard voices call my name but by then I was more focused on my family.

I don't know how I missed them earlier they were right there. My parents from my last life, so happy to see me again after so long. My sister, my Grandmother even my Papa, alive and well, was here. Not just them but Aunt Petunia, Dudley and Vernon and Padfoot, Moony even Wormtail and of course my Parents that sacrificed their lives to protect me, Lilly and James were there to. They were all here and they all got along, just like a family should.

It was wonderful, but I could tell that there was more.

Looking behind my gathered family I saw an intricately carved throne, black as night with snow white highlights. It radiated power and import, whoever sat there was no one to be trifled with.

Leading to the throne was a set of steps and siting on the top was a women in a blue robe and an easy smile. I couldn't make out her features but from what I could see she was beautiful. Looking lower I saw more women all beautiful, all indistinct.

I smiled. It was nice to see such happy people. I was about to turn back to my family, Mama Lilly had made cinnamon rolls, when I noticed that some of the women were entwined together. Looking closer I saw that each women was chained to the throne, shackles attached to each limb, and at the foot of the stairs lay Voldemort.

Looking at him, at still bleeding wounds adorning his body, each one made to cause the maximum amount of pain. I knew that I had caused them. That I had taken my time, and reveled in his pain. That he begged for mercy and I took pleaser in denying him any.

I was about to go over and do something, when I was suddenly wrenched from the mirror. I started throwing up, dry heaves racking my body when I emptied my stomach.

"Shh, it's ok. Just let it out." Hermione said, as she held my hair back. With one last heave I collapsed. Hermione made sure I didn't land in the puddle.

"Let's get her inside." Pansy said. Looking around I noticed we were in the hallway. Hermione nodded and helped me up, vanishing my mess once we were standing and we made our way inside.

Pansy had made the room manifest as the usual library. Hermione helped me over to one of the couches, Pansy chose one near by. We sat there for a long time, no one wanted to be the first to break the silence.

"That, cough," I stopped until I got my breathing under control. "That was not what I was expecting." Trying for levity I didn't feel.

Hermione huffed. "I should hope not." Pansy's lips twitched but otherwise stayed flat.

I sighed before asking, "What was that?"

Pansy spoke, "That was the Mirror of Erised."

I was about to speak when I was hit with racking coughs. Hermione rubbed my back until I got it under control. Ugh, I felt drained and shaky, like I hadn't eaten in a few days.

"Was it supposed to do that?" Hermione asked, her voice soft. I shrugged, the mirror I was thinking about shouldn't have but that was not this mirror.

"The story I heard said that it would drain you if you stayed to long in front of it. I don't remember anything about it, it, enthralling people at least not that quickly." Pansy's voice shook as she spoke. "I didn't know it could do that." She paused before continuing in a faint voice. "Why did it show me that?" I don't think we were supposed to hear her.

I swallowed, what I saw felt so real. It wasn't just a picture in the mirror, it was like I was there. It felt right, it was right, even the throne and chained women felt right.

"Do," I swallowed, "do you want to talk about it?" I didn't but if they needed to I would listen.

Pansy smiled a little before shaking her head. "No, thank you for asking."

I nodded. "Ok." We stayed there a moment just resting, before I spoke up again. "Well its getting late and I don't know about you…" I tried to stand, but fell back.

"Alex, Are you ok?" Hermione asked, pansy gave me concerned look.

I nodded. "Yeah, just tired."

"Will you be able to make it to your room?" Pansy asked.

"Maybe?" I said. I honestly wasn't sure.

Pansy snorted. "Maybe we should just stay here." I raised an eyebrow. "I mean if you're having trouble standing, making it back to Ravenclaw without drawing attention is almost impossible." If I didn't know better I would think she wanted us to stay.

"I think that's a good idea." Hermione said. "It's not like we have to worry about roommates."

I smiled. "Sounds good."

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Sleep that night did not come easy. The couches while comfortable, were still couches and my mind kept going back to the vision the mirror showed me.

I sighed, if I couldn't get to sleep I may as well get something useful out of it. Breath, focus, sense. It should be noted that when I meditate like this I am focusing on myself, not my surroundings. So I was able to sense without being overwhelmed by Hogwarts.

Breath, focus, sense.

My family being together, whole and alive, was something I had expected. It was the first time in eleven years that I had seen some of their faces and as sick as the mirror left me I was glad for the chance to see them again. Even if it did pick at a sore that I gotten used to ignoring.

Breath, focus, sense.

Seeing Voldemort like that was not what I expected. If I saw him at all I would have expected him to simply be dead, maybe laying at my feet. Not the still living corps that was still screaming.

It was true I wanted him dead, after he killed my parents who could blame me? But I had never really thought about torturing him. Idle revenge fantasies aside, usually me utterly humiliating him as I single handedly defeat him and his followers in a running duel, I had always pictured Voldemort's defeat and death as something relatively quick and painless. Like something out of a Disney movie.

Still the more I thought about it the less the thought breaking him bothered me. Torture was wrong, there's no way around that, but for Voldemort I think I would be willing to compromise my morals. If that made me a bad person well I didn't much care. That bastard had murdered my parents and I would have my revenge.

Breath, focus, sense.

Still the chances of me being in a position of such dominance and security that I would risk torturing him was so small it wasn't even funny. As such it wasn't something I was really worried about.

Breath, focus, sense.

The throne, I admit, was something of a shook. If that truly was the Mirror of Erised, and I think it was, it should have shown me my heart's desire. So why would it show me a throne? A throne implied something to rule. Which meant responsibility, something I already had too much of.

Breath, focus, sense.

Could it have represented something else, power perhaps? If it was power that would make sense. Even in my last life I had wanted power. The power to do what I wanted to be who I wanted to be, the power to make things the way I wanted them to be. Was that it, did I just want the power to be myself and not have to worry about what others might say?

Or, given that the throne, my throne, had women chained to it, mean something else entirely? I blushed, taking the women into consideration gave the throne a new, and fairly obvious, meaning. I may be eleven now, but I remember being of age. I remember the feeling of another person lying beside you-my blush intensified-post coitus. I was far from ready for that, but in the future?

I sighed and rolled over, slipping from my trance. Whatever else it did the mirror certainly gave me something to think about. With that, I was finally able to drift off to sleep.

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I woke up feeling much better. The drained-sick feeling was gone and I was very happy for it. I sat up stretching as I went and nearly fell of couch when Pansy spoke.

"I was starting to get worried." My heart was beating about a million miles an hour as turned to look over to see her reading, her usual smirk back in place after last night's events. "If you stayed out much longer I was going to give serious consideration to taking you to the hospital wing." Her voice was light, but I could hear the worry there.

Still I glared at her. "Why do people have an obsession with sneaking up on me? Honestly first Quirrell, then a troll of all things, and of course Dumbledore had to get in on the action and now you." Why did people do this to me? "I'm delicate this is going to drive me into an early grave!"

Pansy's smirk grew and her shoulders lost some tension. "Firstly I didn't sneak up on you. I was sitting here waiting for you to wake up, like a good concerned friend should. Secondly if you do, in fact, die like that, can I have your pen?"

"Like a good concerned friend? Your just here for my pen!" I said, pointing at her dramatically.

She responded in an innocent voice. "You might think so, I couldn't possibly comment." I felt a shiver go down my spine as she said it, but I shook it off.

"So where's Hermione?" I would have expected her to be here.

"I think she's looking for information on the Mirror." Pansy said, nodding towards the upper floors of the library.

I frowned, "How'd she seem?"

Pansy shrugged. "She seemed ok, determined, but ok."

"Determined?" I asked.

"She seemed like she wanted to prove something." Pansy said.

"Good," I said, before giving Pansy a one over. She seemed ok, her makeup was perfect, her hair just so and smiles came at the right times. But there was a stiffness in her posture that wasn't there yesterday. "How are you doing?"

She froze for a moment before responding stiffly, "I'm fine." She paused before continuing in a heated voice. "If you're so concerned about what it showed me why don't you share what it showed you."

It was my turn to freeze.

Her eyes caught the light as she smiled, teeth sharp. "See don't want to talk about it do you?"

I took a deep breath and let it out, and did that a few more times before responding. "No, I don't want to talk about it." Pansy's smile turned triumphant, but before she could speak I continued. "But if you really want to hear it I'll tell you." I didn't want to talk about it. Seeing my family was the least objectionable thing I saw and I wouldn't even be able to be completely honest about that, let alone Voldemort and the, uh, tied up women.

"Look what the Mirror showed me last night was disturbing, and what it showed you was probably even more disturbing," how could it not be? I had the advantage of a previous life to help make sense of what I saw and I was still all turned up about it. How much worse must it have been for them? "But unless I miss my guess it was something you wanted." She flinched but nodded. "Something you don't want to want?" She nodded again. "Whatever it was, whatever it showed you, it ok to want it."

Pansy had started to look at the floor as I spoke, but her head shoot up to stare at me when I said that. "But…"

It was a testament to how raddled she was that I was able to interrupt her, usually she could walk verbal circles around me. "It's ok to want something, even something bad. Wanting something doesn't make you a bad person." If it did I was going straight to hell, and everyone else was coming with me. "It makes you human." I heard Hermione coming down the stairs so I rushed to finish. "If want to talk about it, I'm here." I gave her a reassuring smile before turning to look as Hermione finished coming down the stairs.

"So did you find anything?"

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Turns out she had. The Mirror of Erised was, as we already knew, a Sidhe artifact. It was given to a widower who wished to see his dead love once more. So he makes a bargain with the Leanansidhe for an object to let him see her again. It's said that the widower and the Leanansidhe haggled for three days before finally coming to an accord. In exchange for his freely given love the Leanansidhe would allow him to see his departed wife again.

With the deal struck the Leanansidhe left to make the mirror, when she returned the widower demanded he see his wife before giving his love to the Leanansidhe. She was furious, for the deal was for him to give her his love before gazing upon his late wife, and in her fury she cursed the mirror to show him his greatest and darkest desires. When he looked upon the mirror he saw his late wife, and he rejoiced at seeing her again, but the image was so real, so life like that he reached out to touch her and dropped dead.

I scratched my head before asking. "So wait, if she cursed it to show his greatest desires…"

"Greatest and Darkest." Hermione interrupted.

I rolled my eyes, but continued. "Fine, greatest and darkest desires. Why did it kill him?"

Hermione opened her mouth to respond, before pausing. "I, uh, hum." She flipped through a few pages, the book was so worn down there wasn't even a title. "It doesn't say."

"No one gets the better end of a bargain with a fay, no one. The mirror was probably supposed to kill him in the first place. That's probably why she wanted his love first." Pansy said.

"That's horrible." Hermione said, hand covering her mouth.

"If it was supposed to kill him anyway why curse it to show anything else, it just needed to show him his wife, right?" I asked.

"It's a book on legends, this one is about a mirror almost as old as Hogwarts. There are bound to be some inconsistences." Pansy said shrugging.

I furred my brow, not satisfied with that answer. Even if it did make sense. Still unless we got more information on it, it would have to do.

I sighed before casting the tempus charm. "Humm, just before noon. Why don't we make an appearance at lunch?" I was hungry, the mirror had drained me and while the nights rest had helped it didn't change the fact that I needed to eat, and after last night I felt like I could eat a full cow.

If anything I was underestimating how much I needed to eat. We got to the Great hall just a lunch was staring and I was still eating nearly an hour and a half later. Hermione ate more than usual as well but I by far outpaced her.

"Are you ok Alex?" Hermione asked, concerned. Still chewing the succulent brisket I just nodded. The house-elves were really on the ball today. Hermione looked over to the Slytherin table to share a concerned look with Pansy, she rarely sat with us during meal times.

I rolled my eyes and swallowed before speaking up. "I'm fine, just really hungry." I gave Pansy a reassuring smile, she didn't look convinced but went back to talking to her house mates. I was about to reach for some desert when the food disappeared. "Aww, I really wanted some chocolate cake." I started pouting.

"You certainly didn't need any." Hermione said, disapprovingly. I pouted harder. "Ack, don't give me that look." My lower lip started trembling, Hermione covered her face. I leaned forward and started making little whimpering noises. Hermione continued ignoring me.

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