Lori,
Today Carl opened his eye for the first time.
The way she made him smile, real for the first time in a long time
made me know it was going to be okay.
This is what I kept going for.
The hallway she floated down was warmer than remembered and grew hotter every moment she occupied it. She promised she would forget those words, and now they had fallen off the page, traveling through her at record speed, racing to meet her vulnerable heart.
She stormed down the stairs trying to make way to her room. There she could fully process what she just read.
Before she could reach the end of the stairwell she was startled by the sound of keys at the front door.
It was Rick.
Her breath hitched. He couldn't catch her like this. He'd know that she'd been in his room certainly, because that was always her first stop, after the kids' rooms. He'd wonder if she saw the papers that had scattered at the side of his bed, and her eyes would not be able to lie for her. They never could, even for those damn protein bars they couldn't.
That's when she began the mad and graceful dash to her room, leaping off the remaining stairs and behind the sofa, into her own room, quietly closing the door behind her.
She placed an ear to it just in time to hear Rick burst through. He seemed rushed and in a hurry, leaving a trail of curses as he sprinted up the stairs, where she had just been moments ago.
And there was a pause.
He must have came back for his journal. Michonne clutched onto the panels in the door as her heart fought against her chest. If she had been just a few moments slower, he would have caught her. She shuddered at the thought.
She he could hear Rick faintly rattling through the tattered papers, then and a crescendo of footsteps back down the stairwell and out the door; out as quick as he came in.
Relieved, Michonne slid down the door and cradled next to it, straining her neck towards the clock. 7:04. Carl and Judith weren't due up for another hour or so, she was good for a while.
In the stillness, her thoughts caught her in an ambush.
The morning was going along smoothly, Michonne had Judith up and changed in great time, Carl's bandage was the best work she'd ever done. Her long list of errands were checked off and even though she had to meet Maggie later, she was mostly free for the rest of the day.
She drowned in the feeling of being busy and in control, it helped to keep her mind off of this new information. Every couple of minutes she would come up for air and wonder just how she could look at him, knowing what she did, and knowing what she wanted.
Michonne always valued herself quite the pragmatic person, impromptu was never her style, but the usually calm part of her in raging times was now an alarm going off to confess her own secrets to Rick. To just get it over with. To just let them be what they already were.
Those feelings she felt before she read that letter were shattered like good china. The mental script she had prepared and polished for weeks if the time arose was smashed, and what she remembered of it was too sloppy and raw for her to just present it to him now. It would be word vomit at the very least, so she put a lid on it.
What would I even say If I did? "Hey, Rick. Read your journal. I happen to have feelings for you too. Maybe even love you. Isn't that great? I was thinking about chilli for dinner tonight, what do you think?"
Michonne binded her hair up in a top bun, preparing to cook a huge lunch for Carl and herself, even though Carl resigned to go hang out with Enid. Judith and her were the only people in the house right now, and she was preoccupied in her high chair with some alphabet blocks.
Rick was due home soon. He mentioned going off on a supply run with Glenn and Abraham earlier this week and said at that he would be back around noon time.
She was anxious to see him, moreso, she was anxious to be seen. All morning she scraped to recall bits and pieces of what it was for her to be normal around him.
"Da - Da!" Judith babbled excitedly, her rocking chair squeaking against the floor from her struggling to get into the arms of her father. Michonne nodded toward him, but thought good of herself not to look. Her neck was hot with uncertainty, but she liked to think she looked cool.
He's here. Oh, God.
"Hey, Sweetheart!" a smooth drawl called out in response. Michonne could feel his eyes on her as the sound of his footsteps came closer. Out of her peripheral she could see his denim shirt and Judith's tiny feet as he leaned up against the island where she was chopping onions, "Good mornin'."
Slowly, and unnaturally, she turned her attention toward him with a sly smile, the one she remembered she used often with him,"Morning."
Why did she dare to stare him in his eyes? Was this the first time she saw him? Fully?
The look he always gave her was deciphered with that page. She could see just how much he cared about her, every ounce of it. Reading his twinkling blue eyes like a map, she could see the deep vallies of sorrow and peaks of joy. they were the greatest masterpiece, and she was blissfully lost.
She continued wordlessly gazing until his eyebrows furrowed around them, he was becoming concerned she realized, "You okay?"
Michonne shrugged and said with a sigh as she continued to chop onions, "Oh Yeah… I'm becoming a lightweight now. Three months away from being out there, a little heat and hunger has got me feeling downright feeble. Maybe I'm coming down with something."
He nodded back, seeming to be buy it. "Well, keep me up on that, we just got a whole crate of medicine on the run. Maybe Denise can have a look you." His smile was infectious.
"- Speaking of the run today. We came across a small art store. We found all kinds of brushes and acrylic paints." He boosted Judith up on his hip, handing her a piece of carrot to munch on, "You paint right 'Chonne?"
"Yeah, I used to." she replied, not taking eye contact off the onions, she learned her lesson.
"Good that's what I thought. 'Cause I brought a couple of things back. A basic paint set. I wasn't sure what kinda colors you wanted beyond those, but I got orange, purple and yellow, and a couple of canvases. I figure you can just mix whatever other colors you need. We can always go back."
"Why those colors?"
"Because... they seem to be your favorite. You're always wearin' 'em, or whenever you have the choice, you pick those colors up." He pointed up into her hair that was adorned with an orange and yellow flower.
"Do I now?" She reached up for the flower, rolling her eyes playfully. He was right. Those were no doubt her favorite colors, even though she never voiced it to him. His attention to those small details was pleasing, and eased her back down from the hot anxiousness that she felt all that morning. It felt cozy around him again.
"Yeah..." he chuckled staring into the pan with sizzling, colorful ingredients, "They're in the living room closet if you ever feel up to it."
The room was comfortably silent for a beat, just like always.
"I just think -" he trailed, grasping a babbling Judith's hand to quiet her."there's no harm in trying to be what we used to be. Even just a little bit."
A sincere smile played on Michonne's face,"Thanks for thinking of me out there, Rick."
"Ah, No problem."
The day was over, and what happened this morning was far from her. She left the house for a couple of hours to plan with Maggie, and came home to him. Spent the rest of the evening with Rick, Carl and Judith, watching old 90's flicks. Carl asked Rick about what it was like during the that time, and Rick and Michonne divulged stories about walk-mans and swishy windbreaker pants, which Rick owned a lot of apparently. Carl listened like he was telling fairy tales.
She spent all evening with him, with not much thought to what she knew.
Rick took charge over Judy and Carl for the night, and Michonne slipped away into the quiet of her own room after dinner, leftovers from the too big lunch she made earlier. By the time her day was over, her thoughts had pooled around her knees like high tide. Begging for attention. Now she was sitting on the edge of her bed, preparing for not so restful sleep.
Whilst massaging lotion into her tired hands, reading Rick's story caused her to reflect on her own. She thought about her time since the world fell away, every scene she couldn't shake.
Reading the first newspaper articles that marked this disease as "an isolated incident", cradling her young child as he napped.
The cold, unforgiving ground she laid on in a makeshift camp, what she thought she deserved for allowing her family to break apart.
These were the moments that carried her to the cushy room of this $500,000 suburban home.
The day she released Mike, that was the turning point; Where she forgave every piece of resentment she felt toward him in search of a new start, an answer that was buried in the hearts of this family. The words she whispered into the air that day were so similar to what Rick was feeling right now.
That was almost a year ago, and she realized Rick was just now finding his peace here in Alexandria.
He was now, just now, learning to unpack all of the hurt and jealousy and pain that he harbored since the beginning. This sickness that snatched away his lover, turning her into someone he didn't recognize. Just before he was able to see her again, she was swept away forever.
She appreciated the time that she had after that to grow and gnash and mourn. Of course, there still were parts of her life that she couldn't touch yet, but she was working on them.
She wanted to pay Rick the same favor. So she would give him time, and it was the most painful thing to do. She was afraid she would burst though. She was locked in a box, and needed catharsis. Those big feelings could not just remain in her head anymore.
She had to get it out somehow, She thought about writing the way Rick did, that was never her release. Michonne would always get caught up in the technicalities of the words, and not pay attention to the truth of how she felt.
She wanted something tangible, wanted to show how she felt in language that only she could understand.
As she laid her head for rest, the idea came to her slowly.
Thank ya'll so much for the reviews and encouragement on this story. I really appreciate it. I thought to expand this story past a one shot and into a 3 chapter.
I'm looking for someone to possibly beta the last chapter of this fic, message me on Tumblr or here if you're interested!
Thank you for reading!
