Meanwhile, on an unknown planet...
"Why are there so many warp storms?!"
Meanwhile, back on Terra...
"ALRIGHT, NOW MOVE THAT ONE SQUIGGLY LINE OVER THE LETTER."
"Which one, the one that looks like an 'a', or the mutated 'h'?"
"THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A 'C'."
"Hey old man, can we take a break? We've been at this for two hours."
"FINE. GO AND JOIN THE OTHER ONE BEHIND THE WALL OF BUCKETS. I NEED TO THINK MORE ABOUT THIS."
"Don't talk shit about my wall!" came a voice from across the room.
"SIGH. OF COURSE I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE TWO WORST PEOPLE. ANYWAY, SOON I WONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS FUCKING CHANTING ANY MORE."
"Why? Cause' you're sending the Ultrasmurfs to their 'deaths'?"
"RIIIIIIIGHT. NOW WHERE IS THAT COCKSTODES WITH THE CLEANING EQUIPTMENT."
"Why would you need cleaning equipment?"
"BECAUSE MY EYELOBES ARE ITCHING LIKE THEY ARE INFECTED WITH THE FUCKING DEATHEATER VIRUS."
"I did NOT need that image in my head." Came the voice weakly from behind the buckets again.
"Aaaanyway, how would you know that? Have you experienced this before?"
"GUESS WHAT? BACK TO TEACHING YOU. HERES A POP QUIZ."
"Shit." They said simultainously.
-four hours of screaming torment later-
"I FEEL THOUROUGHLY REFRESHED NOW. CHAIN HALBERDS TRUELY DO WONDERS."
"Just stay still. Maybe he'll forget about us back here." Right. Those two. I almost forgot about them.
"My lord, I've been thinking a little. When Magnus tried to contact you, what did he try to tell you?"
"ARE YOU SIDING WITH CHAOS NOW?"
"No, no, no, no, my lord, I'm just pondering here. But, I'm thinking, lets say Magnus was trying to warn you of Horus' downfall."
"OKAY."
"If that was the case, then Magnus wouldn't have had to send his message to you if Horus hadn't fallen."
"YES."
"And Horus wouldn't have fallen if the Chaplain Erebus wouldn't have tempted him to join Chaos."
"RIGHT."
"And Erebus wouldn't have kept turning Primarchs to the ways of Chaos unless he hadn't tempted Lorgar to his side together with the Word Bearers 1st company captain Kor Phaeron."
"CORRECT."
"So by that logic... wouldn't this all be Erebus' and Kor Phaeron's fault?"
"NOW YOU ARE JUST TALKING OUT OF YOUR ASS. AS I SAID EARLIER, EVERYTHING IS MAGNUS' FAULT!"
"My bullshit detector is skyrocketing." The tall one said.
"What do you mean skyrocketing? Mine just broke." Shorty replied. Ignoring them.
"BY THE WAY, WHILE YOU WERE SENDING THAT MESSAGE TO THE ULTRAMARINES, DID YOU ALSO TELL THEM TO CUT GUILLIMANS LIFE SUPPORT?"
"Eheheh, sorry my lord, I kinda forgot about that."
"My bullshit detector just broke too."
"DO THAT LATER THEN, YOU SHITBOOT. SPEAKING OF WHICH, I NEED YOU TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO ME."
"What is it my lord?"
"WHY ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE VISITING ME?"
"Uhhhhh."
"I MEAN, EVER SINCE I GOT THIS TEXT-TO-SPEECH DEVICE, I'VE NOT SEEN ANYONE NUT MY CENTURION, SOME TECHPRIESTS, THAT AWFUL FUCKING DREADKNIGHT THING, THOSE TWO DIPSHITS, AND YOU. WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE CUSTODES? DID THEY ALL DIE OFF OR SOMETHING? ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE LEFT?" The short one looked up from the translation sheet with a grimace.
"Are you sure you want to know?"
"Kenny? Get over here and help me make this bucket wall impenetrable."
"HEY! GET OUT FROM BEHIND MY THRONE! YOU DID SOMETHING ONCE, BUT I'M NOT WILLING TO TAKE ANY MORE CHANCES."
"Okay, one, fuck you. Two, I'm hiding. And three, can you send down more buckets?"
"NO. NOW GET OUT."
"Anyway, after we witnessed you at the brink of death, your body being sat on the golden throne... all Custodes went into a collective depression. We all decided to stop fighting outside of the planets borders we've never left this palace since, always guarding your sacred vessel."
"WHAT A BUNCH OF PUSSIES YOU ARE. I CAN MANAGE MYSELF, YOU KNOW."
"Bullshit."
"Bullsh- damnit!"
"Didn't your detector break?"
"I have spares."
"I'M NOT A REGULAR-ASS FUCKING CORPSE."
"Yeah, you're just an ass corpse." Not taking my time to figure which one said that, I threw buckets at both of them.
"Of course my lord! Eheheh..."
"ALSO, THAT STILL DOESN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION. WHERE ARE THE REST OF MY CUSTODES?"
"The rest are currently guarding the palace, my lord."
"WELL, IN THAT CASE, TELL THEM TO GO OUT AND BE USEFUL INSTEAD. I DIDN'T GIVE THEM THE BEST WARGEAR IN THE IMPERIUM FOR NOTHING."
"Yeeheheheah, about that my lord. Most of us custodies have not only sworn an oath to never leave Terra and your presence after the Horus Heresy, but have also redefined the use of our wargear and armor as to show that we are mourning your loss. Its quite hard to explain, but ermmmm..."
"Kenny, this feels shifty. Last chance to take cover."
"FOR THE FUCKTEENTH TIME, GET OUT FROM THERE."
"No, fuck you."
"BRING SOME CUSTODES IN HERE. SOME OF MY COMPANIONS TO BE EXACT. DO IT NOW."
"A-are you sure my lord?"
"DO. IT. NOW."
"Very well, just a moment my lord."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"I'm looking at this translation sheet, are you sure this is wise?"
"OF COURSE IT IS. THEY'VE BEEN WITH ME FOR CENTURIES. NOW WOULD YOU KINDLY GET YOUR FRIEND OUT FROM UNDER MY THRONE?"
"I would, but he's a bit too heavy for me-" he was interrupted by a bucket flying at him, which was not thrown by me. "Maybe we should get one of the Custodians to do-" Another bucket.
"Well, here they are my lord. Some of your other comanions..."
"Kenny, what is that music?"
"Don't come out here, its too late for me, save yourself."
"Okay!" Then, the Custodes came in. What the shit? What happened to you three? One was in a bra, one was tattooed, and the other was Hulk Hogan.
"...Sorry."
"HOLY SHIT!"
"Holy shit!"
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF TERRA ON FUCKING ROLLERSCATES IS THIS?"
"Mmmm, mmmm,MMMM! My GLORIOUS overlord... The Emperor of Mankind, I am honored to be in your presence once more."
"It has truly been too long, my lord."
"My oiled abs quiver at your voice!"
"SO THIS IS HOW YOU MOURN THE DEATH OF ME, HUH?"
"I just want you to know my lord, this was NOT my idea."
"You! We don't see you much around anymore, brother... what was your name again?"
"My name is-"
"Didn't we used to call him, little kitten before he was elected as the Emperor's own personal caretaker?"
"Oooh my... I remember that little bottom anywhere... huhuhuhuh."
"Hehehe, I remember now. Little kitten, the elected one, purring his way so far into our ranks. You weren't ever usefull for anything other than sweet talk, were you?"
"Bullsh-" For the love of Terra, the tall one better keep his mouth shut if he wants to stay hidden.
"Oh my god, their muscles!" No. He did not just... Hulk Hogen was first to look at that poor bastard.
"Huhuhuh, what do we have here?"
"Oh my god! He noticed me!"
"Great job, Senpai noticed you!"
"Another one?"
"Worth it!"
"Don't worry brother, we'll deal with this one first."
"I am soooo sorry."
"He's shorter than a normal man. Hmmm, his bathrobe is very nice, a few holes in choice places, and its very furry." The poor bastards getting molested.
"Look at his legs, not too hairy, and very smooth!"
"Brothers, I think the other one is under the throne."
"Piss off!"
"Oh my, I guess we'll have to settle for this one then."
"IS THIS FOR REAL? AM I ON DRUGS? I FEEL LIKE I'M ON DRUGS. ALRIGHT, THAT IS ENOUGH."
"Eh, of course..."
"YOU ARE THE FUCKING STRONGEST WARRIORS IN THE IMPERIUM. WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING UNDRESSED IN THE IMPERIAL PALACE, LITTERALY DOING FUCK-ALL. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ANY OF YOU ACTUALLY KILLED ANYTHING?"
"Uhhh, I killed a fly the other day."
"YOU HAVE THE BETTER ARSENAL EVER PUT TOGETHER AT YOUR DISPOSAL, AND YOU DO NOT USE IT. YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ASHAMED YOU SHITNUGGETS. NOW, I WANT YOU THREE FUCKERS TO GET DRESSED, GET AT LEAST 100 OTHER CUSTODIES READY, START UP YOUR SHIPS, AND GO DO SOMETHING FOR THE IMPERIUM. THE REST OF MY 300 COMPANIONS CAN STAY WITHING THE IMPERIAL PALACE FOR NOW."
"Very well my lord."
"It shall be done, we will be back with the spoils of our victory shortly, my glorious overlord."
"What a commanding presence! What I wouldn't give to play some blood games with him..."
"And to 'interrogate' this one..."
"NO. HE IS MY PERSONAL MECHANIC. HE STAYS HERE."
"Are you sure my lord?"
"ARE YOU DOUBTING ME?"
"No, my lord." He bowed before they leaped out of the room. Thank the non-existing gods.
"I'll learn twice as hard now. Thank you for saving me."
"Again, I am so sorry."
"Is it safe to come out now?"
"YES. NOW HURRY UP AND GET OUT."
"So ummm, should I follow them, or..."
"NO. YOU STAY HERE. I STILL NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME STUPID SHIT I CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT."
"Oh, you."
"Guys, I think my knees just buckled."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP. ANYWAY, TELL ME WHAT TYRANIDS ARE."
"Whelp, you're not going to like this."
-wacky ending music-
Authors note: No, this is not the end. Just a funny transition slide.
Anyway, we thank you for reviewing and visiting this story.
