Mason POV
"SO WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THOSE SOULESS SKELETONS NOW? DO TELL ME WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN UP TO?"
"Actually, my lord, it is getting late. What about these two?"
"OH RIGHT, I FORGOT THAT THEY ARE NORMAL, DIPSHIT PEOPLE. FIRSTLY, GO GET ONE OF THE CUSTODES TO TAKE THEM TO SOME ROOM, GET SOME FOOD, AND THEN IMMUNILIZE THEM. I'LL FINISH TEACHING THEM LATER."
"At once, my lord." I looked down to the translation sheet and raised my eyebrow.
"Sweet, fresh water." I looked to Kenny, my eyebrow raised even higher.
"I don't think sweet water is a good thing."
"Don't care." There was a tap on my shoulder, and it does not matter what anyone said, I did not flip out and nearly punched kitten; the emperor is lying if he says otherwise.
We ended up walking for the better part of an hour before we ended up at a room, singular, not plural. It had giant golden doors, and inside was a massive velvet curtain which split the room in two. Kitten eventually left, and I turned to take a better look at the translation. "Sterile water and sterile nutrient paste."
"I don't think we'll like the paste." I looked up, "Sterile water, its okay..." At this point, I was half convinced that my eyebrow was going to get stuck like this, "But the paste, the texture is probably horrible."
"Pansy."
"What? I don't care for the taste. Its the texture I worry about."
"...Pansy."
"You're just bored, aren't you?" To answer that question, I gave into my bodies demand, and fell asleep.
~~Dream Transition~~
All around me was a grassy field. I guess I'm dreaming now. "Why hello there, sonny." I know that voice, oh fuck no. "You have no idea how difficult it was to get here. Between you being so close to the Anathema, and your surprising lack of a connection to the warp; it was quite difficult. But luckily for me, you didn't move all that much."
"Look, can you-"
"Now, now, don't interrupt your elders. Anyway, listen. You might not know, but I have this plan, and you and your friend are interrupting it. So I'd ask that you stop."
"And why?"
"Oh dear! You have me completely beaten! Oh what shall I do?" Bullshit. "How about the next time a Daemon makes its way into the palace, I have it come after you first? I'm sure Slaanesh's daemons would just love a new toy. So what do you say?"
"Yeah, I've entertained this delusion long enough." With that, I woke up.
~~Waking up~~
Huh, weird dream. Was that kind of thing normal for lucid dreaming? It must be, I'm in the imperial palace. When I opened my eyes, I saw Kenny 'talking' with one of the custodes. "I just had the craziest-"
"Hey Mason, how do you feel about fifty shots?"
"Eh? Bolter or needle?"
"Needle."
"All at once or spread out?"
"All at once."
"Arms or ass?"
"Probably arms."
"I'm fine with it then." There was a bit more 'chatting', before he came back over.
"Well, first off, you've been asleep for about three hours."
"And I still feel like shit."
"Second, I'm still hyped up on some caffeine patch they gave me."
"And you still look like shit."
"Good to know, and thirdly, here's a bottle of sterile water.
"And it will probably still taste like shit."
"..."
"..."
"You on a shit spree?"
"Well, a shitty dream brings about a shitty reality."
"What the hell did you dream about then?"
"You know that guy zintch?"
"Tzeentch?"
"Yeah, Japan guy."
"What about the old coot?"
"I dreamed that he invaded my dream and threatened us. Shitty dreams bring about shitty realities." I saw him narrow his eyes, and I swear I could see the gears in his head start working.
"Tell me you're joking."
"Don't worry, its just a dream."
"I'm pretty sure that's what some of the Primarchs said!"
"Hey, we're in the imperial palace. Like Emps said, 'Its too gold and orderly for his tastes'"
"I'll tell him later, just in case." At this point, the conversation ended, and we were just staring awkwardly at each other in silence.
"..."
"..."
"..."
"So how bout' those fabstodians?" At that, I walked over to a nearby wall and began to smash my head into it repeatedly. I don't even have my buckets with me. "Hey! Don't bleed on the walls!" I was renewed in my quest to break to the other room through the use of my skull.
After around five minutes, I was pulled away from the wall and saw the Apothecary enter the room, followed by multiple trays pushed by servitors. I sighed, pulled up a chair, and braced myself for unpleasantness.
Kenny POV
That was a shit ton of needles, and our arms were basically mummified. Don't leave this room for two days, dick move Apothecary, dick move. My head turned when I heard a knock on the door, and kitten walked in.
"Alright, the Emperor has given me these worksheets for you to do. He wants half of them done by the next time you meet."
"There's like seventy sheets!"
"Trust the Emperor, he wouldn't give you them if he didn't think you could do it. Besides, these are the kind of things we give children."
"What is your definition of children?"
"Look, just do the fucking things."
"Well, thank-"
"Also, the Emperor said not to use the translation sheet. He wants to test your memory."
"Tell him that I'm going to take his remaining hand when I next see him." Mason called out from across the room.
"Er, ask him if he misses his 'giant flaming great sword', because I still have mine."
"You have a flaming great sword?" With that, he just walked out.
"Well, here's your share." I said as I dropped probably more than half in front of him.
"You don't really think that it was Mr. Japan that visited me, do you?"
"All I know is that something did, and it shouldn't have been possible."
"Why do you think I could understand it then?"
"I dunno, maybe it spoke in mind language." I said as I made the appropriate hand gestures. "Nutrient paste?"
"Nah, I'ma get to work."
~~This Is A Timeskip~~
"Well, at least numbers haven't changed."
"Zzzzzzz."
"Six in the goddamn morning, and I'm still not asleep."
"ZzzzzSounds like a first world problemZzzzz"
"I so have to get a box of these patches."
"ZzzzzzNo, you don't need anyZzzzzzzz."
"The human mind is an amazing thing."
"ZzzzzzIndeed, you piece of shitZzzzzzz."
"The Emperor is a douchbag."
"ZzzzzDon't let anyone hear you say thatZzzzzz."
"The only other person that knows English is the Emperor."
"ZzzzzYou're still a bastardZzzzzz."
"I was wondering when that word was going to surface." Suddenly, Mason sprung up.
"Listen here you little shit..."
"So when the hell did you wake up." He looked confused.
"What time is it?"
"Six thirty."
"I have been up all night."
"You were silent for quite some time." He opened his mouth to retort, but then closed it and looked around the room, as if for inspiration.
"Yeah well, your face."
"What about my face?"
"It... is a very nice face. You must take good care of it. Remember kids, bullying is not okay." Then he fell back over.
"We need a break from this." I said, nearly clawing my eyes out. There was not even a knock as the door busted open, and three very familiar people came out.
"Helloooo again, we've been informed that you need new clothes."
"Oh and, we were told to give you this. Also, we were told there were two of you." I looked over and saw mason hiding under his bed. Out of all the places... I just stayed still, staring at them.
"Hmmm, no response?"
"Did you forget I can't understand you?"
"Oh, I completely forgot! We can't understand you, thanks for reminding us." Cue Deadpan.
"Good thing little kitten gave us this translation sheet! Brothers, help me." They turned around and huddled together to hide something. I half-considered hiding with mason. Finally, they turned around and handed me a piece of paper, asking where 'the other one was'. My only response was 'he's hiding'. Not the best response, but...
"Found him."
"Have at you, foul scum!" I looked over and saw mason laying on the ground, poking hulk hogan in the shin with his pen. Nope, not even worth of a facepalm. Hulk Hogan then picked up Mason and brought him over. It was then, that I heard something shaking next to my head. Looking for the source of the sound, I saw it was two sets of breathing apparatus. Tattoos handed me a sheet with the words 'shopping trip', and told me that when we had problems breathing and that we should put on the apparatus.
~~Later, At the Shopping Center~~
"Nonono, try this..."
"You have got to be kidding." It was so thin, it could only be called 'strings'. Somehow, we ended up in a swimwear shop. At least we haven't gotten to an undergarment shop... yet.
~~Later, at the Imperial Palace~~
Eight goddamn hours of continuous shopping. We were being pushed out of the thunderhawk while draped over a massive hover cart. There is no doubt that we bought over three times our body weight. We were then pushed into the throne room, where the custodians were reporting their 'success'; I however, was doing my best to flip the Emperor off in multiple different ways. There was then a large thud, from where mason had rolled off the side of the cart.
"SO, DID YOU BOTH ENJOY YOUR SHOPPING TRIP?" I could just hear the grin in his voice. Then mason spoke up.
"You. You sent us out. I thought you were this charismatic savior of mankind, not some torturous, skeleton thing."
"DID YOU THINK I UNITED MANKIND THROUGH NICE WORDS?"
"I'm going to spit in your next meal."
"YOU CAN TRY, I WONT TASTE ANYTHING."
"One day bonebag... one day..."
"WELL, YOU'LL PROBABLY DIE BY THEN, SO IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM."
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot." Mason quickly moved over to the throne, and pulled the Emperor's remaining hand right off it. I meanwhile, facepalmed. When I pulled my hand away, I saw kitten trying to get the hand back, and surprisingly failing at it. Mason eventually managed to scuttle around behind the throne apparently, the buckets were still there and were being used to create a makeshift barrier; unsurprisingly from the sheer amount of buckets, it worked.
Before this shenanigan went on, the sound of a large box being dragged into the room was heard, followed by several more custodians, who simply left after delivering the box. "That is a big box, covered by a shit-ton of symbols. And, are those blanks?"
"OH YES, THOSE ARE DEFINATELY BLANKS. LOOKS LIKE MY PACKAGE IS HERE."
"What the hell did you order? A fucking high-ass demon or something?"
"SOMETHING LIKE THAT."
"Like a lost son or something?" With that, a bucket was thrown at me, which I sidestepped. "Is there something you want to tell me?" I asked as I started to move over to kitten, who was still trying to get Mason out.
"HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW THAT?"
"I didn't. You just told me." Someone tried to yell bullshit, but was cut off halfway through followed by 'stranger danger'... must have been Mason.
"RIIIIIIIIGHT. OPEN THE BOX AND BACK OFF QUICKLY." Kitten was out from under the throne in an instant, still glaring at it. At that moment, a hand shot out from under the throne, flipping him off.
"But my lord, your hand-"
"LATER."
"Very well, my lord." Kitten went over to open the box, and I stepped back to the throne. I knew what was going to happen to that box, and I was not going to be hit by that flying shrapnel. Once Kitten was finished unlocking the box, he got out of the way, and nothing happened for several seconds, even Mason stuck his head out to look.
Then there was an explosion. It was very disappointing, regardless of the shrapnel nearly taking my head off. "NO PATHETIC BOX CAN HOLD ME!"
"A pathetic box did hold you dumbass." I muttered. Whether the Cyclops heard or not, he didn't react to it.
"Where... where are those Ultramarines? Fucking... Smurfs..."
"WOW, THE ULTRAMARINES ACTUALLY SUCCEDED IN BRINGING YOU HERE. THAT IS FUCKING HILARIOUS."
"I don't find this funny at all..."
"I do." I turned quickly, surprised to see Mason's head on this side of the throne. I ignored him and turned back to the scene unfolding. Kitten, threw a spare bucket at Mason absentmindedly as he wrote down the conversation.
"Father? Father!? THE CORPSE EMPEROR!? MY FATHER!?"
"YES, YES, IT'S ME. STOP YELLING SO LOUDLY YOU DAEMONIC GOOD-FOR-NOTHING BOOKBANGER."
"How dare you! I am at the peak of psychic might! Lord Tzeentch blessed me with powers unimaginable to mere mortals! Not even YOU would be able to stand against my wrath!"
"YES, THAT IS BECAUSE I AM SITTING DOWN. USE YOUR FUCKING EYE, DUMBASS. I DON'T KNOW HOW THE FUCK THE ULTRASMURFS ACTUALLY MANAGED TO GET YOU HERE ALL THE WAY FROM THE EYE OF TERROR, BUT CLEARLY YOUR SUPPOSED PSYCHIC PROWESS ONLY WORKS WHEN YOU ARE FUCKING SOMETHING UP."
"Stop mocking me! You never did anything but look down on me for having my powers, powers that YOU yourself, also had! You never defended me Russ and the others tormented me for them! But now, my powers have been recognized by my NEW lord, and he has boosted them TENFOLD! Now that I am-"
"Mine gott, DO YOU LOT EVER STOP TALKING!?" Everyone's head shifted to look at Mason, who was standing on the other side of the throne, looking a bit annoyed. "Fucking twenty words or less! Any more and this turns into a fucking soap opera!" I just facepalmed, and I'm sure the emperor would have as well if he had any hands... or could move... at all.
After ten seconds of agonizing silence, Magnus spoke. "Who... who are those two?"
"ELIPSES. THEY'RE NOT IMPORTANT." For some reason, I have this gut feeling that the emperor tried to sound convincing, and failed horribly.
"Er, right. Where were we?"
"YOU WERE SAYING SOMETHING EDGY THAT YOU THINK MAKES YOU SOUND COOL."
"Ignoring that, ah, I remember. Now that I am in full control, I shall have my vengeance, and KILL you!"
"YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN IN CONTROL OF ANYTHING SINCE YOU GAVE YOURSELF UP TO TZEENTCH. THE MOMENT YOU MET HIM, YOU LOST. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, BUT HE'S BEEN FEEDING YOU DIRT EVER SINCE HE MADE HIS FIRST MOVE ON YOU. I'M SURE HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY PROBLES CONVINCING YOU TO JOIN HIM, THOUGH CONSIDERING THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT THINGS. HE MADE YOU DANCE IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT LIKE A PUPPET DIDN'T HE? THAT BOY AIN'T ANY GOOD FOR YOU, SON."
"I HAVE BEEN THE MASTER OF MY OWN DESITNY, EVER SINCE THE DAY LORD TZEENTCH FIRST CONTACTED ME!" It seemed like he was going to say more, but didn't. No one did for several seconds.
"YEAH RIGHT. GIVE THAT VENGANCE SHIT YOUR BEST SHOT, SON. YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DESTROY ME MORE THAT YOU ALREADY HAVE. IF IT WERE NOT FOR YOUR IMMATURE USE OF YOUR POWERS, I WOULD NOT BE SITTING HRE ON THIS THRONE ALL SKELETAL AND SHIT."
"Uhh, no? It's not my fault me, AND MY AWESOME POWERS managed to ruin your feeble project when I tried to SAVE YOU! Lord Tzeentch just... um... " Once more, several second passed in silence. "Holy shit... you're right... I've... been played all along. I am a fucking puppet of fate, aren't I?"
"No, not a puppet, Magnus... you're his whore..." I said as I looked down over what kitten has transcribed. "You poor son of a bitch."
"I RESENT THAT, F-U-C-K-W-A-D."
"Spacewolves. You are their creator, so you are their mother and father at the same time."
"ANYWAY, IF YOU HADN'T BROKEN THROUGH THAT WALL, RUINED MY MASTERFUL WEBWAY PROJECT, AND LEAD A FUCK-TON OF DAEMONS INTO THE IMPERIAL PALACE, I WOULD BE HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND ABLE TO SCRATCH MY FUCKING NOSE. IN ADDITION, DID YOU REALLY THINK ME TELLING YOU NOT TO USE YOUR POWERS WAS ME BULLYING YOU? I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT YOU, AND PREPARE YOU FOR SOMETHING GREATER, DUMBASS."
"Well maybe if you had told us about the powers of chaos BEFORE we were enlightened by it, then maybe we wouldn't have turned against you like that! This is STILL your fault you damnible lich!"
I will admit, at this point, I stopped paying attention to their bickering. I just leaned against the throne, and just started thinking about random stuff. I had no idea how much time had passed, but eventually, I came back to the world when things calmed down.
"-NOW, LET THE BONDING PROCEDURE BEGIN. MAGNUS, I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU."
"A present?" I feel like I may have missed out on some information... meh, kitten has the whole thing written down anyway.
"YES, A PRESENT. BRING IT IN." Following that, was a horrible screeching sound as some gift-wrapped monstrosity was brought in.
"Woh-hoh, what could it be?"
"OPEN UP AND HAVE A LOOK." I shifted slightly to get a better angle as Magnus unwrapped it. It was some kind of motorcycle. I want one.
"Is this a bike? Whooah."
"IT IS YOUR FIRST BIKE, SON."
"Wow, I never rode one before. I was always inside reading my books but, every time Jaghatari rode his, I always thought he looked really cool!"
"NOW IT IS YOUR TURN TO LOOK COOL, MAGNUS" There was a cough of 'bullshit' from behind the throne, followed by another thrown bucket.
"I am the bucket god!" I looked at him for a moment.
"Ya know, why don't we worship you into one, so you can be a warp creation. Oh wait, that's not possible for us."
"I can dream, Harold!"
"... I'm not Harold, dumbass." They all just ignored us.
"TAKE A RIDE AROUND THE IMPERIAL PALACE, SON, AND DON'T FORGET TO WEAR A HELMET."
"Okay! Thank's Father!" And wit that, he drove out through the doors, nearly flattening a custodian in the process.
"Well, now that that's over with, I need to tell you something, Emp."
"WHAT?"
"When tall and scraggily over there took a nap, Tzeentch invaded his dream. Probably using some warp bullshit on technology."
"I KNOW. HE BRAGGED ABOUT IT WHEN I WENT TO TAKE MAGNUS' SOUL BACK. APPARENTLY HE FOUND SOME GOLDEN AGE TECHNOLOGY BURRIED BENEATH THE PALACE."
"That is a bit worrisome, should we go look for it?"
"DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE?"
"Not us, dumbass. Send someone, it should be an easy find."
"ALRIGHT. I'LL BE SURE TO TELL SOMEONE ONCE GUILLIMANS LIFE SUPPORT IS CUT OFF."
"...Shit."
A.N.
Sorry it's been quite some time. But, we weren't really sure how to continue this. We finally got back to it, we hope you'll forgive us. No, seriously, put down the pitchfork... all of them. And the torches.. seriously, please put them down. Guys, we're flammable...
