HI THERE
HOW'S TRICKS LIL' BROTHER
DID YOU SEE THAT THERE GAME WITH THE CHAIRS
HOLD THE DOOR? MORE LIKE HOLD THE TEAR DUCTS
MIGHT AS WELL CALL THIS 'WHIMPERS AND WOES' BECAUSE WE'RE TOO BUSY BEING MOROSE AND PESSIMISTIC TO WRITE PROPERLY
LIKE MY KEYBOARD IS STAINED WITH TEARS
BUT WAIT, THINK ABOUT IT AGAIN
BECAUSE EVERYONE WAS TOO PREOCCUPIED THINKING ABOUT THAT TO RECOGNISE THAT SANSA STARK (CONSUMER OF THE LEMON CAKE) IS NOW AN ACTUAL CHARACTER AFTER SHE TOTALLY CALLED LITTLEFINGER A CUNT
MORE LIKE LITTLE WILLY
ANYWAY, LET'S TRAVEL INTO SPACE, SPACE BUDDIES
Chapter 5 - Statham in Spacem
Space. There's stars everywhere. And in the distance, three spaceships flying through the deepest darknesses of the universe. These spaceships are, to remind you dear readers, our beloved protagonists; the entirety of Slayer, completely ignoring the rule that there is no sound in space with the power of their sick tunes, Prince Doran, who was whizzing through the sky like a speeding wheelchair, and everyone's favourite Ser Pounce, who had a song in his heart (which is 'You've Got Another Thing Coming' by Judas Priest, which is pretty applicable in this situation, on account of his pursuit of vengeance), and whiskers on his face.
They were speeding along through the space, laughing and having fun, but there were going so fast that they didn't realise that they were breaking the space speed limits! And of course, the law enforcement in space have fuck all going on for them, because there aren't too many people in space, and thus they are obligated to pick up on every minor discrepancy that could potentially be construed as a crime, solely to exert some petty authority and give a semblance of meaning to their otherwise pointless space lives.
Alongside them, in a small space bike lit up with blue and red sirens, was a little mauve alien man, with many hats yet only one head. His name was Glorm, and he was aching for a breaking. He pulled up alongside them, and started garbling incomprehensibly. The protagonists were none to impressed by this alien intruder!
'Oi, you interstellar anus!' shouted Ser Pounce from atop his now stationary biplane. 'We don't understand your confusing babbling, you damn grumbletonian!'
'I'll have you know I speak the common tongue!' whined Glorm, in the nasally tones of a downtrodden underclass.
'Get lost, gundiguts!' shouted Ser Pounce, none too impressed by this man's audacity.
'Yeah, fuck off you pig!' shouted the entirety of Slayer, and they played a riff so mighty that Glorm, with a final space scream, disintegrated into golden space dust. Ser Pounce immediately took this opportunity to blow upon the space dust, which when subjected to the mighty breath of the Chosen Kitty Cat, formed a convenient space dust map of the universe, with a convenient glowing red dot to indicate the locations of those BASTARD VILLAINS!
'Should we go and throw shit in his garden?' asked Doran.
'Perhaps on the way back. Right now, we've got to go kick the shit out of these space-dwelling grandstanders!'
And so with a mighty shredding solo, they flew off at hyper speed until they encountered a stationary UFO, with bright yellow flashing lights. It had some stylish graffiti on the side saying 'Penu and Fernandez Woz Ere 298AC', so they knew it was legit. They all drew to a stop outside the spaceship, hearing the TERRIBLE disco tunes these bastards were playing. Do they not know that the only good music is the serenading euphonious sounds of four old men screaming about demise?
Well, I say that ALL of them stopped. Doran, on the other hand, was suffering from a slight problem! For you see, his wheelchair was powered by the little scampering of his hired hamsters, yes? Well, they had been ordered to keep on running, no matter, what, and because because Doran had like a heavy space helmet on that muffled his voice and the only other sounds that could be heard was DREADFUL disco and RADICAL metal, the hamsters did not stop! And if there's one thing we know about hamsters (and trust us, we know very little about hamsters, so this one fact is especially important), it's that hamsters are the most persistent of all rodents around that size, and when their endless source of power is harnessed, they are tenacious and unstoppable! And so, whilst the others drew to a silent and totally cool halt outside the villain's ship and prepared to blast it with fiery vengeance from their space cannons, Doran instead went flying full-speed into the side of the spaceship, crashing through the metal wall as though it were naught but a flimsy rain-sodden child benefits form, neglected by my father! Dad, come back! You can't be a rockstar forever, you need to come home! Me and the cat miss you! Please feed me!
Doran's wheelchair smacked off Penu's head, and then ricocheted into a hall, embedding his wheelchair into a metal wall but launching Doran back out into space through the hole he'd made! For a second he thought he'd gotten away with it, and that Penu may just have assumed it was one of those nefarious space wheelchairs everyone is warned about, but Penu was not so easily fooled! He saw that Doran had his name and address printed on the wheelchair! Also he looked out the broken wall and saw like all of them sitting their awkwardly, hardly inconspicuous when they're blasting metal music really loudly and stuff. Quickly, Penu reached for his laser pistol in its holster, but - gasp! - he'd left it on a nearby space table when he was partying! Shock and horror! Quick as a space car, he zipped to the side, grasping for his pistol on a nearby table. Meanwhile, Fernandez had vomited a burrito onto his cushion. Because with this hall that had been blasted into the wall, the space was leaking into the cabin, and lizards can't survive in space. Well known space facts here, come and get 'em whilst they're hot.
Penu had got his laser gun, and was firing frantically. '~Quick, Fernandez! Get the leaves out of here!~' Fernandez offered no response, as he was dying in space. Penu's lasers were ineffectual, as they only managed to hit Doran's legs, to which Doran offered a hearty laugh. 'Haha, you damn… alien fuckhead!' Doran lacked Ser Pounce's eloquence, and by that we mean Ser Pounce's occasional tendency to misappropriate 18th century vulgar slang. 'Now you will taste true fury, for I am the man with the lightning hand!'
Doran lifted his hand, from which a blast of vivid blue lightning shot forth and zapped Penu right in his fat cranium. The alien yelped, and fell down as he shook off the brain spasms.
'Ah, that was pretty cool Doran!' said Ser Pounce. 'Did you come up with that all by yourself?'
'Nah, I stole it from a Kansas song,' replied Doran, who was trying to shake the static shock out of his frazzled hand.
'Oh, that's a bit shit.' Perhaps Ser Pounce would have said more, but he was interrupted by the sight of a dead lizard drifting through space past him. He stopped briefly to punch the lizard with a mighty fist, but Ser Pounce should have watched where he was aiming that projectile! The dead lizard slowly drifted past Doran, and into the Slayer Spaceship, where it CRASHED WITH SUCH FORCE that it set off a stream of explosions across the ship's hull, causing alarms to start blaring and the ship's engines to start malfunctioning! With a faltering guitar riff, the ship fell out of the sky and into a nearby sun. Ser Pounce and Doran then watched four middle-aged men and a lizard burn alive in horrible agony. They consoled themselves with the statement, 'Nah it's cool.' From the ashes of this fiery cremation, a bald little baby called Jason Statham was born, the prophesied hero of the ages, who, like a fiery super comet, flew away in a shocking blast to a faraway planet, where he would become a living legend and battle like gangsters and even Jet Li and a megalodon (though not at the same time). But that's a story for another time.
Our two still alive heroes turned their attention back to Penu, who was standing there with a shaking hand, laser gun hanging limp from his horribly twisted fingers (cool band name that is). Penu spat in anger. '~You may think you've won this battle, but trust me! We are one of many! Just another link in this big criminal chain! And you don't want to know who'll come and fuck with your shit after this! You can't even imagine the horror of seeing what he'll do to your precious world!~'
Ser Pounce, fly as ever, said, 'It's true what they say… no peace for the aliens.' And then he shot Penu five times with his trusty Desert Eagle, which he called 'I am more than just a gun, I am an Iams gun'. Bit of a long title, but who are we to question his graciousness' decisions?
Doran and Ser Pounce high-fived, content that they had sorted out everything. There was nothing else to do, no more loose-ends to be tied, no more DEVIOUS DASTARDLY ANTAGONISTS WAITING AROUND THE CORNER READY TO WRECK HAVOC UPON THE WORLD. Nah, nothing like that. So then they went home, travelling on the back of a whimsical luck dragon, because in the words of Michael Ende, 'Falkor was not a fighter, he was a lover'. And what better mount for such lovable characters as these than a lovable luck dragon? Eh? Eh?
And then they went home and had a lovely cream salmon, courtesy of the great fisherman. Good on you, fisherman!
But as they sat there, and they had their great food, they heard a knock-knock at the door! Who could it be? Ser Pounce sauntered on over and opened the door, ready to offer his food to a new friend- HOLY SHIT, IS THAT A VILLAIN?! Why yes it is! It was a big eight-foot tall fat man, in a big suit, and sunglasses, and a smile with golden teeth! And he said, voice orotund and powerful, 'Surprise, it's an ox-bow lake!' And the gang, all of a sudden, were in an ox-bow lake. Oh shit! They knew they were in an ox-bow lake without a paddle! And this NEW DESPICABLE VILLAIN, TEN TIMES MORE POWERFUL THAN THE LAST ONE, AND WITH A DEVILISH SMILE, AND 64 TIMES MORE EVIL THAN AT LEAST 3 HITLERS, stood there and laughed in their faces! For he was Mr Geography, the best villain ever. Watch out lads!
OK THAT'S THE END
WOAH, WHAT A BELTER
COULD YOU BELIEVE THAT SLAYER ARE DEAD?
RIP SLAYER
BUT HEY, DO YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS THE LAST WE'LL SEE OF FERNANDEZ?
YEAH, PROBABLY, HE DIED IN THE SUN
BUT THE MEXICANS DO HAVE A DAY OF THE DEAD
BUT HE DID GET LIKE BURNT TO A CRISP, AND THAT'S A BIT GRISLY AND MACABRE AND KIND OF INCONGRUOUS WITH THE USUAL STYLISTIC AESTHETIC OF DAY OF THE DEAD CELEBRATIONS
BUT ANYWAY, SEE YOU ON THE SIDE, MY LITTLE LISTENERS
AND WATCH OUT FOR GEOGRAPHY
