I'm a wanderess
I'm a one night stand
Don't belong to no city
Don't belong to no man
I'm the violence in the pouring rain
I'm a hurricane
Not for the first time, Barba wondered if having River come to his apartment was a mistake. One of the biggest reasons he had moved out of the loft they had shared in Brooklyn was because he couldn't stand living in a place that had so many memories of the two of them. Leaving all of their furniture behind in his move had ensured that his apartment was completely untouched by anything that had to do with her.
Why had he invited her to into his domain instead of going to her place?
Before he could give it any more thought, a knock sounded on the door. He opened it and motioned for River to enter. He took a seat on his couch and the slightly younger woman followed his lead.
"You got my favorite wine," she observed.
He shrugged, "I needed to get another bottle of scotch. Figured why not grab it while I was there."
River nodded and took a sip from her glass before lunging into the reason she was here, "I've thought about this day a lot. What I would say if you ever gave me the chance."
Rafael leaned back into the cushions, "And?"
She set her glass down, "Before I say anything, I need you to know that my leaving was about me, not you. Yes, catching you setting up plans to cheat on me didn't help, but by the time I left, I'd forgiven you completely." She took a deep breath, "I left because forgiving you came too easy. I realized that forgiving you wasn't a choice. My personhood was so wrapped up in being your significant other that I had to forgive you because I wasn't me if I wasn't with you. And I started thinking about how so much of my identity was wrapped up in being your girlfriend or Andrea's kid sister or Amaya's daughter or an SVU detective. If you stripped all of that away, there was nothing left. Captain Mathias told us he was moving to Boston and he was trying to get the green light to bring a detective with him. He wanted to have someone he already trusted to get the job done while he got to know his new detectives. He joked that he'd like to have me but he knew you loved New York and would never leave it and I would never leave you. Before I could think it over, I told him I would go. He got the go-ahead to bring a detective with him three days before he was to leave. I was given a month to tie up loose ends, but I told him that I would arrive the day he did. So, if you ever wondered if I had it planned months in advance to get revenge for the whole Lindsey debacle? I didn't. It just...happened that way."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Barba asked as he crossed his arms.
Blinking back her tears she hadn't expected to shed, she took a moment to gather her emotions before answering, "You would have asked me to stay and I would have."
"So there was nothing that I could have done," he questioned.
River looked down at the floor, unable to look him in the eyes, "I don't know if you remember the day I left, bu-"
"It was raining," he said as he cut her off. He waited until she looked up at him before he continued, "It was a Friday, but you wanted to have a three day weekend with me and you tried to convince me to play hooky. I wouldn't and after I was dressed and about to walk out of our bedroom, you pulled me down by my tie and kissed me like it was the last time you would ever get to do so. Which turns out it was was, but I didn't know that. I promised you I would make it up to you when I got home, but you were gone by the time I returned."
The detective struggled to breathe as she croaked, "You remember that?"
A bitter laugh escaped the ADA's lips, "I remember that after you pulled me to you by my tie, you wrapped your arms around my neck. I remember how you caressed my cheek as I told you that I would make it up to you. I didn't see it then, but I've replayed that scene in my mind enough that I know you were trying so hard to will me with your eyes to give in, but I never could figure out why."
Running a hand through her curls, "Had you stayed, I wouldn't have left. I made myself an ultimatum. If you stayed, I would stay. I'd figure out my issues, but I would stay. If you went, I was Boston bound."
Rafael stood and stalked over to one of his windows. He tried to calm down the anger swelling up inside of him before he turned around and demanded, "How could you do that? How could you base a major life decision like that on a choice I didn't even know I was making?"
"Oh, Rafi," River softly chided as she stood from her spot on the couch though she didn't follow him to his new spot in the room, "I was always leaving for Boston. I just didn't have the guts to make the decision so I made an ultimatum, knowing I already knew the outcome." The detective played with the hem of her blouse, "How many times had I tried to get you to skip out on work if you didn't have court? Dozens, right? How many time did you take me up on it? Never. I knew what I was doing was wrong. Well, not necessarily what I was doing, but how I was doing it. It was purely for my conscience. I needed to feel like I'd given you a say."
A few beats that seemed like hours to River passed before Rafael turned back around to gaze out the window before he asked, "Do you?"
Confusion marred her face, "Do I what?"
"Remember that morning," Barba's answer came so softly that River had to strain to hear him.
River gingerly walked over to where he stood. She leaned on the wall beside him and caught his eye before she answered, "You tasted like my cinnamon toothpaste that you absolutely hate. I'm assuming you had run out, but I never paid attention to whether or not your overly minty toothpaste needed to be replaced." She couldn't help the small laugh that escaped her lips as she remembered all the times he had run out of toothpaste and the lectures he had given her about how disgusting her chosen toothpaste was, "You were running late. You thought it was because the alarm clock screwed up and didn't go off in time, but it was because I had changed the time setting on it. I thought if you were already running late, it might increase the odds that you'd stay." She closed her eyes and tilted her head back to rest on the wall, "You didn't have court so you decided to skip out on shaving so you had a bit of a five o'clock shadow. You were wearing your blue and white gingham shirt. You know, the one I used to joke reminded me of the Wizard of Oz and just to goad me, you always paired it with a red tie and red suspenders. Although, the suspenders did have a stripe of black running through them." She opened her eyes and found he had turned from the window and was looking at her. She met his gaze before she said, "There's not one moment of our time together that I don't remember, mi Corazon."
Barba had been steeling his heart against her from the moment he had walked off the elevator two months ago and saw her sitting at a desk. He didn't know if it was the fact that she hadn't forgotten the small, intimate details of their relationship like he had believed she would or the fact that he thought he'd heard that particular term of endearment for the last time on that cold, wet morning four years ago, but he couldn't help himself. His resolve instantly dissipated. He stepped away from the window pane and pulled her to him. Surprise briefly flashed in her eyes before he kissed her.
He backed her into the wall she was previously leaning against. As her back hit the wall, his hands found their way to her hips. River intertwined her fingers into his hair as she pulled him as close to her as she could. She knew that at some point, he would come to his senses. This was Barba, after all, but she was going to enjoy this for as long as she could before he stopped it.
She moaned as his tongue plunged into her mouth and she couldn't help but grind her hips against his. His kiss took on a more demanding pace and he slid his hands up her body. He grabbed her hands from their place in his hair and laced their fingers together before pinning them to the wall behind her.
He took and took and River willingly gave, but eventually, the two came up for air. Barba let go of her hands and took a step back.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that," he choked out through heavy breaths.
River chuckled, "Did it seem like I was opposed to any of that?"
"Just because you seemed to like it doesn't make it consent. You know that," Barba countered.
River nodded. She couldn't really argue that point considering the area of police work she had chosen to devote her life to, "So, if I very clearly and enthusiastically assure you that I am more than a willing participant, you'll continue? You won't stop? You won't give me a list of reasons why we shouldn't?"
The heat in Barba's gaze was almost enough to make the detective weak in her knees, "If you very clearly and enthusiastically assure me that you want this as much as I do, I'm going to take you into my bedroom and do all of the things I should have done to you the morning you left."
River's eyes never left his as she began to unbutton the blouse she was wearing. She slipped it off and let it fall to the floor before closing the distance between the two. She wrapped her arms around his neck, "I am very enthusiastic about the fact that I want you to take me into your bedroom, strip off the rest of my clothing, and give me everything I've been dreaming about for four and a half years."
Her declaration was met with his trademark smirk, "You dreamt about me?"
"You never forget your first," she answered, "But, I don't know if the real you can live up to dream you."
His response to her goading was to spin her around so that her back was firmly against him. His hands skimmed over her stomach and he began to nuzzle her neck before he whispered in her ear, "I've had almost five years to think of all the things I want to do to you."
"So you dreamt about me?" River tossed his words back at him.
"No." He slowly maneuvered them so they were standing at the back of the couch, "More like you haunted me. For the first year, I was convinced I was going to wake up and you were going to be there. The next few years, I thought of you-and this-less and less, but every now and then, you'd show up." River wasn't sure what she was going to respond to that, but any words she had dissolved into nothingness as Barba slipped a hand in her pants, "Already so wet for me, mami? I think that's the part about you that I missed the most."
River shivered at his declaration. This was the part she had missed the most about him. He had talented hands and a very gifted mouth, but the best part of sex between the two of them for her had always been the way he talked to her. Several times during their relationship, he had been able to get her off with his words alone. A fact that he took great pride in.
She turned in his arms, "You're overdressed."
He released her and she immediately missed the contact, "Are you going to do something about that, mi tesoro?"
She knew he was playfully goading her, but her breath caught in her throat. She'd known when she walked out all those years ago that the odds were great that she would never ever hear those words fall from his lips again and they had much the same effect on her that her earlier use of her old endearment had on him. She sprung towards him. Lips mashed together and teeth clashed as she ripped off the button up shirt that he was wearing.
She pulled back, "Bedroom. Now."
He motioned for her to wrap her arms around his neck. When she complied, he lifted her and her legs wrapped around his waist and he carried her off into his bedroom.
