~ Dan ~
The weak beams of sunlight woke Dan. He'd always been a light sleeper and to be honest, he was surprised that he'd gotten any sleep at all.
He slowly opened his eyes but otherwise remained still. He reckoned it'd be about 5:00 am so he didn't have to worry about being late to school. Not that anyone would notice, of course.
How many hours of sleep had he gotten? Two? Three? He didn't remember. But he didn't exactly care. He just slept for the sake of it.
Slowly, he sat up and swung his legs off the bed. He creaked open his door softly and tiptoed to the bathroom at the end of the hallway, trying not to make a sound.
He closed the door noiselessly behind him and locked it, not that anyone would bother him at that hour.
He stretched a little and stared at his face in the bathroom mirror. His eyes were sunken and looked slightly red. Louise always told him to sleep more often; she didn't teased him. She would just be concerned.
Oh Louise, you don't even know half of it.
He brushed his teeth and quickly shed his clothes.
He stared down at his body.
Oh.
The events of last evening slammed his mind like a freight train.
Oh, fuck.
How could he have forgotten? Was he stupid?
Of course, you're stupid, Dan. You're a total idiot.
He ran his fingers over the fresh wounds and tried to peel his eyes away from them. He knew. He knew that he if his gaze lingered at his shredded body any longer, he would lose all self control.
Don't look, don't look, don't look!
He sighed. He realised that it didn't even matter.
But Phil saw yesterday. He should just call in sick today and not face him. But for how long? What if he tells Mrs. Pentland? What if he tells Louise? What if he tells the entire school? What if–
He reached under the washbasin and grasped the blade tapped there.
He didn't bother promising himself that it was 'his last time'. He was way past over that.
He walked over to the shower and turned the faucet. Eventually, hot water poured from it and he let it steam up the entire bathroom.
He set the blade aside and stepped in front of the water and winced; it was too hot. Just too, unbearably hot.
But that's the point, Dan.
Boiling water repeatedly hit his back and snaked down his body. His body was vulnerable; cuts turned raw and fleshy, skin became red and tender.
He gasped a little and basked in the feeling.
He soaped and scrubbed his body. Too hard maybe, but he didn't really care. He cleaned his hair more gently and finally picked up the blade.
He stared at it for a bit and thought about his sister for bit.
No, Dan. Don't.
Then, he brought down the sharp edge of the blade down on his flesh. Again, and again, and again, and again.
His arms, his legs, his thighs and his stomach.
He watched as the diluted blood slightly pooled around his feet and finally, disappeared into the drain.
It's fine. You control this. You control this pain. It's yours. It's yours. But you control it.
The grooves and gashes on his skin ached and he could almost hear them scream. His breathes were short and raspy.
You control this. You're in control.
He heard a soft knock on the bathroom door.
"Dan?" Louise's soft voice called.
"I'll be out in a minute!" He tried to sound natural and ordinary.
Damn, how long had he been in the shower?
He shut off the water and stepped out. He pressed his cuts with toilet paper until they stopped bleeding and finally got dressed. He wore what he almost always wore. A jumper, tight jeans and his sister's jacket.
He opened the bathroom door and silently made his way to his bedroom. He shut the door behind him and got out his straighteners. He wrestled with his hair for about 10 minutes before he realised that no one really cares. He struggled some more, and the job was done.
He glanced over to the small clock on his nightstand. 7:00am. He really had spent a while in the bathroom.
He shouldered his bag, grabbed his phone and walked down the stairs.
"Good morning, Dan!" Mrs. Pentland greeted him with her bright smile. Louise smiled and waved at him. He could only nod in their direction.
"I've made pancakes. Why don't you join us?" Mrs. Pentland said as she poured syrup all over Louise's stack.
"I'd loved to." Dan tried to force a smile. "But I'm running late."
"It's only seven?" Louise frowned at him. God, he hated it when she frowned. She should always be happy. Smiling and laughing.
"I uh have to meet up with Phil. You know, to discuss our project." He hated lying. Especially to his sister.
"Really?" She raised her eyebrow.
"Yeah." As soon as the words left his mouth, Louise's expression dropped. She didn't look angry, she just looked sad. Like she knew Dan was lying.
Of course, she knows, Dan. She knows you. She cares for you. And look what you do to her. She shouldn't have to deal with you.
Dan couldn't handle looking at her wistful face any longer. He rushed out of the door and made his way to school.
As he had expected, no one was really there. A couple weird kids, some cleaners and an occasional tired teacher; but that was it. He entered the worn down building and made his way to the bathroom. He decided to lock himself in one of the stalls till the bell rang for first period.
He pulled out his phone and decided to kill time by playing some brainless game.
The entire time, he tried not think about the fact that he had English with Phil in the first period. What was he gonna say? Dan really didn't want to know. After all, this was the first time someone, other than himself, had knowledge about the situation.
Would he ask the teacher to change partners? Would he call Dan horrible names like other students? Or would he simply pity him?
Dan couldn't decide which was worse.
Just get over with this stupid project and you'll be done.
The project… The way Phil had reacted to Dan's idea was so unusual and unexpected. He has said things that Dan always subconsciously thought about but never truly. He had almost seemed to like Dan's idea. He had acted like he would maybe actually want to work with Dan.
Don't get ahead of yourself. After what he saw, all the sparks have probably died already.
Dan heard shuffling and muffled voices from the halls. People had started showing up. He debated whether he wanted to go out and just sit down in his next class. But soon he decided against it. With his luck, he would probably run into Greg or some other kid who wanted to make Dan's life miserable.
After a few more minutes, the first bell rang. Dan unlocked the stall door and hastily made his way to the classroom, dodging from the swarms of teenagers around him. As soon as he got there, he sank into his seat. Of course, no one noticed him.
Whilst that made him bitter, it was sort of a relief too. That just meant no one would bother him either.
Maybe except Phil.
His eyes darted wildly around the class. He was on the edge of his seat. Phil could come in and confront him in front of everyone any moment now.
Another bell rang as the teacher walked into the classroom.
"Everyone! Get to your seats!" He tried to control the class; which, of course, was impossible.
After a while, the class simmered down.
"Alright, so–" Mr. Smith began.
The door flew open. Phil leaned against the doorframe, panting slightly.
"Am I late?" He said breathlessly.
"Actually, Mr. Lester, you're exactly on time." Mr. Smith gestured Phil to get in. Phil smirked, obviously proud of himself, and sat down in his place.
In Dan's opinion, Phil's smirk was some sort of evil demonic/satanic witchcraft thing. It could put the sun to shame and yet indicate something mischievous.
If Dan wasn't himself, he would be swooning over Phil. Like some sort of stereotypic school girl. It wasn't that Dan didn't acknowledge Phil's charms, he just didn't act on it. Besides, Phil didn't even care about Dan.
"What I was about to say was that," Mr. Smith spoke up. "Today there won't be any formal teaching. Because frankly, we're done with the syllabus and I know neither of us can be bothered to do revision. So, I'm just gonna give you my period to discuss you final assignment. Try not to bring the roof down." With that, he sat down on his desk and got busy with books.
Oh no.
Dread filled Dan. He shot a quick glance in Phil's direction and saw him gather his stuff to, presumably, approach Dan.
Dan shifted uncomfortably in his seat as Phil pulled a chair from a desk beside them to sit down.
"Listen, Dan." Phil looked at him. "About yesterday–"
"I don't want to hear it!" Dan snapped. He wasn't loud, but his voice was sharp.
"Look. I'm just saying–"
"Stop!"
Phil bit his lip and complied. He studied Dan's face for a moment, "Let me finish."
"I don't want you to."
"All I'm saying is; your secret is safe with me."
Dan was taken aback. What did Phil mean?
"What?" Dan's voice was slightly raspy.
"Yes." Phil nodded. "You don't have to worry about it."
Dan narrowed his eyes at him, searching any signs of insincerity. He found none.
But that didn't mean he trusted Phil. Oh no. In fact, it made him even more skeptical and suspicious of him. But he decided to play along.
"Okay." Dan turned his gaze away. "But I don't want to talk about it."
"It's fine." Phil smiled genuinely. "I can respect that."
Dan didn't say anything. He wasn't really sure how to react to that. But fortunately enough, Phil decided to beat down the awkward silence.
"Okay. So, I went home yesterday and did a study on Ophelia's character and…" Phil brought out his papers and continued. Dan occasionally took down notes and listened intently. Phil was good at speaking and explaining. He had his way with words and always sounded intellectual. Phil's sentences were casual but his arguments were professional. He was a good orator.
Dan knew that because Phil reminded him of himself. Well, what he used to be. Dan never lost his words, he just lost the will. Especially after what happened with his father.
The class was drawing to an end and Dan noticed that he and Phil were the only people who had actually done anything.
"Hey, so I was thinking…" Phil rubbed the back of his neck. "Maybe you could sit with me and my friends today? During break?"
Dan tilted his head slightly in confusion. Why on earth did Phil want him there?
"Why?" Dan couldn't help but ask.
"Well," Phil smiled. "I saw all your books and DVDs and games when I was at your place yesterday, and I realised we have a lot in common. My friends are pretty cool too. So, I thought it'd be fun for us to hang out."
Dan furrowed his eyebrows and thought for a bit. "Okay."
Dan didn't know how but Phil's smile got wider. "Great! See you at lunch!" He stood up and gathered his things.
"Oh, and Phil?" Dan called. "If Louise asks where I was in the morning, can you say that I was with you?"
Phil looked hesitant but said, "Um, sure."
Dan nodded thankfully as Phil left for his seat. The bell for the next period rang and students quickly left.
He had maths next. Unlike most teenagers, he didn't mind maths. He could do it quite easily but it just didn't interest him.
Nothing interests you, Dan.
The teacher was talking about trigonometric identities and proving. Dan had already done a lot of that well before his time. His sister always loved maths so he'd just sat with her.
You think about her too much.
Dan didn't bother paying attention. He already knew all that shit. All he could think about was Phil's offer and the oncoming lunch break. Did Phil really have good intentions? Probably not, Dan reckoned.
But who the fuck cares, Dan?
He wanted to laugh out loud.
Lunch came faster than he expected. He safely got to the cafeteria without bumping into any assholes and managed to pick up an apple on the way. He searched the hall for Phil but soon realised how pointless it was. The cafeteria was overflowing with people. There was no way he'd find Phil.
He decided that this was obviously not going to work. He should just go outside, find Louise, show her that he wasn't starving and spend time with her like usual.
"Dan!" Phil approached him. "I didn't think you'd show up!"
"Yeah, me neither." Dan mumbled.
"Ha-ha. Very funny." Phil rolled his eyes. The corners of Dan's mouth threatened to slightly quirk up. "Now, come on!"
Phil navigated through sweaty teenagers and Dan followed him, utterly lost. They arrived at a long table and Phil set down his plate next to a guy with curly chestnut hair and wide green eyes. In front of them, a guy with straight brown hair and mischievous brown eyes sat with a girl who had bright pink hair.
"Hey PJ." Phil high-fived the guy with greens eyes. "Chris, Emma." He nodded in their direction.
"This is Dan." Phil gestured towards him. They all greeted him and smiled but he could feel the discomfort.
Phil sat down next to PJ and Dan decided to sit down next to Phil as he was the only person Dan actually knew. They all started talking and laughing about their lives and TV shows. But Dan didn't join in. He felt like an outsider intruding into their personal space.
He remained quiet, occasionally nibbling on his apple. It wasn't that he didn't have an appetite, he just couldn't be bothered to eat. He listened to what they spoke about. Music, anime, books and video games. All of those topics interested Dan but he didn't dare join in.
Phil sometimes looked at Dan, a look that was trying to encourage Dan into talking. Dan didn't budge, Phil didn't push.
When the end of the break got nearer, Dan felt worse than before. All these amazing people were around him talking about things that he liked and what did he do? Nothing. He never spoke. There would have been a time where he would have joined in and laughed right along but the thought made him sick now.
Not only was he fucked up in most way but he also couldn't have friends. Whether he wanted or they wanted.
What a pointless, pointless life.
As soon as break ended, Dan was the first one to dart up and head for the exit, ignoring Phil. What class did he even have next? Physics? Geography? He didn't remember. He just wanted to get way.
"Is that Howell?" Dan heard a voice behind him and he quickened his pace.
"Holy shit, I think it is!" Another laughed and he heard the voices getting closer.
Oh no, oh no, oh no.
"Where you going, Howell?" A figure blocked his path and Dan was forced to stop as well.
"What do you want, Greg?" Dan spat. He hated this. He hated it so much. He was so helpless but that didn't mean he'd just shut up.
"Shit, he's got attitude!" Someone hooted behind him.
"Perhaps, you've forgotten last time?" Greg stepped closer to Dan. Dan didn't flinch even though he wanted to implode.
"Get the fuck away, Greg. I have class." Dan glared right back.
That's when pain exploded in his stomach. He tried to fight it off. He kicked and punched but nothing seemed to hit anything.
"What the fuck did you say, Howell?"
"Ohhhh kick his ass!"
"What a fucking loser!"
It was a blur to Dan. He was pressed up against a locker and could feel the pain but that was it. He wasn't gonna give up. Oh no. He didn't care how much he'd given up on life. He'd never, ever surrender to these goons.
As suddenly the pain had started, it stopped.
"What the fuck?" He heard Greg call in a somewhat confused tone.
"Leave him alone." Dan heard a voice.
Dan focused and saw Phil and PJ standing a few feet away from them. He clutched his stomach and leaned back.
"What did you say?" Greg sneered.
"He said, leave him alone. Keep up, honestly Greg." Dan laughed bitterly and spat.
Oh he'd had it now.
If it weren't for Greg's friends (read: barbarians), Dan would have probably died. Greg pounced at Dan but they held him back.
"Dude. That's Liguori. You don't wanna be involved." They tried to talk sense into him. Dan didn't really understand.
"Do you really want to repeat last time?" One of them said and Greg finally backed up.
"This isn't the last time, Howell." Greg glared and turned around to leave.
"Can't wait!" Dan called behind them. Wow, he really was asking for it this time. But they didn't return to beat Dan up anymore.
Phil and PJ rushed to Dan's side.
"Holy shit. You alright?" PJ asked and leaned down to help Dan up.
Dan backed away from his touch and tried to stand up with the support of the lockers behind him. "I'm fine."
"No, you're not." Phil said and tried to hold Dan.
"Don't fucking touch me." Dan snarled harshly at Phil. Phil withdrew.
With much difficulty, Dan stood up and PJ handed him his belongings.
"Thanks." Dan said. "I should go now. I'm pretty late for my class."
"Dan." Phil looked at him, worriedly. "You're hurt. Go home. You should rest."
"No, it's fine." Dan chuckled bitterly. "I'm used to it."
That seemed to shut them up. Dan turned around and walked to his next class; his body was still in pain but he didn't really care. Why was Phil trying to be so nice? And now he'd gotten PJ in it too? What sort of trick was this? Had they ganged up with Greg and his shitheads? Dan didn't know. But he did recognise the feeling in the pit of stomach. Something was going to change.
