~ Dan ~

Dan lay on his bed, curled up in a ball. His head was buried in his arms and his knees were pressed against his chest.

His mother would always know what that position meant. He was upset.

She would call him a hedgehog, poke his nose and tickle him until he finally sat up straight in fits of giggles.

He smiled slightly at that memory.

And then he remembered.

Don't think about her, don't think about her, don't think–

"Dan?" He heard a knock on his door. Louise.

"Come in." His voice was muffled.

The door creaked open but Dan didn't bother looking up. He felt the bed dip as she sat down on it.

"I heard what happened at school today." Louise's voice was gentle.

"Yeah?" Dan tried not to sound too sad.

"Why didn't you tell me about it?" Dan felt her touch his hair.

"I didn't want you to worry about me." Dan mumbled. Louise kept stroking his hair.

"You know I'll always worry about you." Her voice was soothing and mellow. "Please, Dan. You have to tell a teacher."

"Yeah?" Dan almost laughed. Almost.

"Don't be that way." Louise said and pulled him up by his shoulders. Dan's neck hung low as he sat in front of her. "Hey. Come on. Look at me."

Dan looked up to meet her blue-green eyes.

"Are you still hurt?" Her eyes were warm and caring. "Did they h-hurt you too bad?" Her voice broke slightly.

"I'm fine, Louise." Dan forced a smile. He knew that Louise wouldn't believe him for a second but he also knew that if he said anything otherwise, she would explode with worry and possibly anger.

Louise pressed her lips together. "I'll bring in some Advil and water with your dinner. We can eat here."

Dan's heart contorted. He wanted to say no. He didn't want to eat. Not because he felt fat. Not even because he wasn't hungry. He just felt wrong.

He bit his lip.

Do it for her. She's all you have.

"Okay." He finally sighed. Louise smiled and leaned over to kiss his cheek.

"Thank you." She said and then walked out. Dan stared at her as she left.

How hasn't my luck fucked me over yet?

He touched his cheek. It was ridiculous that he let anyone show any kind of physical affection to him. But this was Louise. His sister.

Well, cousin.

But it didn't matter because she loved him like her own brother. And he wasn't sure why. He didn't really deserve her.

After a while, Louise returned with a tray of food, a glass of water and some tablets.

"I asked mum, and she said it was okay for us to eat here as long as I do the dishes." She smiled and set down the tray on his bed. Then, she too sat down facing him.

Dan took his plate and stared down at his plate. Some chicken, potatoes and rice. The food smelled nice.

Dan's stomach twisted.

There's so much.

"Dan…" Louise said. She must've noticed Dan's hesitance.

"Don't worry." Dan tried to sound convincing. "I'm just a little nauseous."

"Dan, you have to eat–"

"I know." He smiled reassuringly. "I will." Louise looked unsure but she didn't say anything.

Both of them began eating, Dan more reluctant than her. With every gulp of food, he felt like vomiting. It felt so wrong for him to enjoy a home cooked meal.

"Dan?" Louise looked up, still chewing a mouthful of rice. "Can I ask you something? Promise not to think wrong of me?"

"Um… Sure." Dan's blood ran cold.

Does she know something? Does she know about the cutting? Who told her? Did Phil tell her? But he promised–

"Are you gay?" Louise asked.

Dan choked on his food. "W-What?"

"I just… Back when you were in your old school," she looked down at her plate, "with Tyler and everything… I mean–"

"I never dated Tyler." Dan tilted his head slightly.

"I know!" Louise's eyes were wide and her cheeks were stained red. "I just… It was stupid of me to ask, I'm sor–"

"Yeah, I am." Dan chuckled. "Don't freak out."

"I knew it!" Louise looked triumphant for a second before she became embarrassed. "I mean – I didn't mean it like – ugh. I just… You know I love you, right? No matter what."

"I know, Louise." Dan reached forward and ruffled her hair. "I love you too."

"I know." She smiled. "I just – why didn't you tell me?"

"I was scared at first." Dan said truthfully. "But then, I didn't really think it mattered. It isn't like I'm looking for a relationship."

"So, if you get a boyfriend, you promise that you'll introduce me to him?" Louise grinned.

"I promise." Dan smiled.

A genuine smile? Wow, that's new.

They soon cleared their plates. Louise made Dan swallow his pills and lay down in bed. Dan almost wanted to joke about how she was mothering him. But he couldn't. It hurt too much to say that word.

"Say," she said whilst draping a duvet over him, "Phil is pretty cute. And he's working with you for a project. You should–"

"No, no, no, no." Dan said. "Definitely not."

"Aw, come on!" Louise teased. "He's a great guy!"

"Maybe. Maybe not." Dan puffed out his cheeks. "But you scrape that idea right out of your head."

"Make me." Louise giggled.

"Goodnight, Louise." Dan smiled; amused.

"Goodnight." She said as she leaned over to kiss his forehead. Dan closed his eyes as he heard her walk out and shut the door softly behind her.

That night, he kept thinking about how kind Louise was to him. How much he wanted to protect her. He didn't want her to end up like his sister, Robin. He wanted her to be happy and smiling and not dead.

As Dan drifted off to sleep, he decided that he associated Louise with the colour yellow. The soothing yellow of sunflowers and honey. The one that reminded you of the soft buzzing of bees and pleasantly warm rays of sunlight. The yellow that blends with orange and red during a sunset. The kind that makes you feel at home.