~ Phil ~

His day had gone horribly. Ever since Phil had seen Dan be so bitter, he couldn't stop thinking about it. He knew that people weren't really nice to Dan. But he didn't know how bad it really had been. He'd just reckoned that maybe a couple rumours, some snarky comments and general meanness were the case.

But no.

They beat Dan up black and blue.

"I'm used to it."

That's what Dan had said. Phil wondered sadly how long it had been going on for.

Phil felt distant the entire day. PJ tried to comfort him, but his best friend knew that Phil just wanted to be at one with himself.

As soon as school was over, he rushed home. It wasn't far away from Dan's house but he had a feeling that Dan wouldn't appreciate his company.

He turned another corner and walked towards his old, worn out house. He pulled out the key and slowly creaked open the door.

"I'm home, mum." He called out softly before his mother got anxious. She would always think some intruder had broken in if Phil didn't identify himself.

He didn't hear a response. But then again, he never did. He walked up to his room and set his bag down. He threw his phone on the bed and, quickly changed into pyjama bottoms and a loose shirt. He didn't care that it was only the evening, it wasn't like he had anywhere to go.

He tried to be as quiet as possible when he walked downstairs and headed towards the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and brought out leftover chicken soup from the night before. He knew his mother hadn't eaten lunch. She always promised that she had but Phil knew better.

As the food was heating, he poured a glass of water and pulled out some tablets from a top shelf. He reckoned his mum would be in her room so he headed there.

He walked up the stairs and slowly pushed the door open with his back.

"Hey, mum." He said, noticing a lump beneath the duvet. "It's me. I got your medication."

She stirred a little. He placed the water and tablets on the nightstand and slowly pulled the duvet off to reveal her head.

"What was that, Philip?" She said. Her voice was shrill and she looked weak. He helped her sit up.

"I brought you your medicines, mum." Phil said as he fed her the tablets and helped her swallow them with water. "And I'll bring your lunch in five minutes."

"But I already had lunch, dear." She produced a zombie smile that matched her glassy, distant eyes.

"I know." He said and kissed her on the forehead. He headed down to the kitchen.

Recently, he had noticed grey strands that in her auburn hair even though she was only 34. He hated seeing her like that. She looked so old. He cursed his 'father' almost everyday for leaving them like that. Phil would've declined the money he sent every month if they didn't need it so badly.

The microwave angrily beeped at him and he took out the soup. He pulled out a tray, plated up and took it upstairs.

"Mum?" He called. She hadn't lain back down. She just stared at the opposite wall with a forlorn expression.

Phil sat down in front of her and balanced the tray in his lap. He gingerly brought up a spoonful to her lips until she swallowed it. He made sure he drop anything; that would distress her. He wordlessly kept feeding her until the bowl was empty.

He set the tray aside.

"Do you need anything else, mum?" He gently brushed her hair.

"You're so nice to me, Harold." She murmured. "So nice…"

Phil sighed and help her lie down. He kissed her cheek and took the tray downstairs. He hated that she still said his name. He wasn't here. Phil was. Phil took care of her.

Quickly, he washed the dishes and made his way up to his room.

He pulled out his copy of Hamlet and his notes. The project was in a week and all they had done was plan for it. Granted that it was more than anyone else but Phil wasn't having any of that. He really wanted to score well. He decided that he would get Dan's number the next day, so they could work better.

Phil knew that Dan was smarter than he let on. But he didn't know how he'd make him act on his potential. The way he would say something profound but then dismiss it quickly. It was almost as if he'd stopped caring. That broke Phil's heart.

He sighed and ditched his notes. He didn't have the strength to do anything. He decided to go to bed because he had had enough of it.

The next day, Phil woke up earlier than usual. He quickly did his chores; feeding his mother her medication and food, helping her wash her hair and cleaning the house a bit. As expected, he reached school with loads of time to spare.

Phil felt nervous as he walked towards his English class. He didn't know if he wanted to talk to Dan about Dan's problems. He decided to put it off for a while.

He walked in and noticed that Dan was already there even though class didn't start for at least 10 minutes. He looked surprised when he saw Phil, then quickly averted his gaze.

Phil walked over to him, pulled a chair and sat down next to him.

"You're early." Dan said through gritted teeth.

Why is he so angry?

"So are you." Phil chuckled. "Hi, by the way."

"Yeah, whatever." Dan mumbled.

"Listen," Phil began, "I was thinking about what happened yesterday and the day before–"

"Yeah?" Dan chuckled darkly.

"Look, Dan." Phil sighed. "I know what you're going through. Not first hand or anything but I know people. I know it's shit and you feel helpless but you aren't gonna get better if you bottle it all up. You need to tell someone. It sounds like a crappy idea but it'll help you."

"Anything else, Mr. Guidance Counsellor?" Dan replied snidely.

"Dan…" Phil furrowed his brow. He wanted to help Dan, for god's sake.

"I don't wanna hear your shit, Lester." Dan practically hissed. "Just get this project done and fuck off."

"Wow. I suppose I haven't left the best impression." Phil laughed softly to himself. "Okay, let's start over–"

"What kind of cheesy, gay ass shit…?"

"–I'm Phil. I'm an Aquarius." He continued, ignoring Dan. "My favourite band is probably Muse and I love animals."

Dan looked at him as if he'd grown another head. Phil looked at him expectantly.

"What?" Dan rolled his eyes. "I'm not doing that."

"Come on, Dan!" Phil whined playfully. "What's your zodiac sign?"

"How does that even affect anything?"

"Just tell me!"

"Gemini."

Phil smiled approvingly. "Favourite band?"

"Don't have one."

"Anything?"

"Well…" Dan bit his lip and looked down thoughtfully. "I like Muse, too. And Radiohead. But I listen to a lot of classical music too. I listen to everything."

"You have such a great music taste." Phil grinned. "I bet you play something cool and hardcore like the electric guitar or something."

"Ha-ha." Dan rolled his eyes again. "No, I play the piano, actually."

"Still cool." Phil had a warm feeling in his chest. Dan wasn't being entirely secretive and bitter. "Man, you and PJ would get along really well–"

"Good morning, class." Mr. Smith burst into the classroom. Phil didn't bother moving over to his own seat.

"I'm going to want a status update on your projects." He continued. "I want to see how far in you all are. You all can sit together and work, I'll personally come and speak to all of you. And remember, I want participation from both the students in a pair."

Loads of students stood up and ran over to their partners, many were yelling and more than half looked annoyed.

Phil pulled out his notebook and looked over to Dan. "Okay Dan, so I'm thinking we make a PPT and explain or talk or whatever as we present it."

"O-Okay." Dan looked nervous and shaky.

"Is something wrong?" Phil tilted his head slightly.

"N-No." Dan exhaled. "I just can't do public speaking."

"But you heard what–"

"I did." Dan chewed on his bottom lip. "Look. I'll do the entire PowerPoint if you speak for me."

"I'm not sure if Mr. Smith would appreciate that." Phil looked at Dan hesitantly.

"Please, Phil. Convince him."

"Dan, I don't–"

"Fine!" Dan snapped. "I'll-I'll figure something ou–"

"Alright, boys, give me an update?" Mr. Smith interrupted.

Phil shot a concerned look to Dan before turning to Mr. Smith. "Um, yeah. So we've decided to base the project on Ophelia. Talk about her and how she is sort of a metaphor for young teens in today's day and age. We have all our information. We just have to make a PowerPoint and practice what we're going to say."

"Hm…" Mr. Smith pursed his lips. "Sounds good. It's a nice and original idea. But you both better start working–"

"Actually, Sir?" Dan called. "I was wondering if you could excuse me from the talking bit. I'm not very good at public speaking."

"Now, Mr. Howell," he looked at Dan with an amused expression, "we both know that that is a lie. You entered you first debate competition when you were eight! You were the pride of your last school! A prodigy! I believe you even–"

"Sir!" Dan choked out frantically. He cleared his throat and regained his composure. "I mean, you don't understand. I c-can't do it."

"Look, Dan." The man smiled down at him. "I'm not heartless. I know about your family's situation. But I'm afraid I have to grade you on your speaking too. I know you're great at it but if you refuse to do it, I will have to cut some marks. I can be lenient. But that's all I can do."

"B-But, Sir…" Dan stared down at his hands that rested on his lap.

"Or," he said, "you can provide medical proof of your inability to speak up. Then I can grade you without any issue."

"A-Alright." Dan stammered, not meeting anyone's gaze. "I'll just speak."

"Okay, then." Mr. Smith straightened up. "Good luck to you both. I expect good things." He walked away to another pair.

"Dan…?" Phil looked at him hesitantly. He had no idea that Dan had a history of public speeches and debates. To be frank, at first glance he'd never guess Dan was that kind of a person. He didn't radiate confidence, he always spoke softly and he always tried to be invisible.

"Can I just think about this please?" Dan dismissed.

"Okay." Phil sighed. "Anything you want."

Neither of them spoke about Dan's apparent past. They spent the entire period half-heartedly discussing the PowerPoint.

The bell rang loudly and Dan looked relieved as he stood up quickly. Before he could leave, Phil stopped him. "Listen, Dan. Would you like to sit with me during lunch?"

"It didn't really go well last time, now did it?" Dan said, narrowing his eyes.

"No." Phil tilted his head slightly and smiled. "This time it'll just be me. We don't have to sit at the cafeteria. We'll sit beneath a tree in the football field."

Dan considered for a moment.

"O-Okay." He murmured finally.

"Cool!" Phil grinned. "I'll see you at lunch!"

Dan nodded and left. Phil picked up his stuff and headed for his next class too.

As the classes went by, one after the other, Phil couldn't stop thinking about what Mr. Smith had said about Dan. He couldn't stop wondering about Dan's reason to entirely stop oratory. He wanted to ask him about it, but he wasn't sure if that would be a good idea.

Mr. Smith had even mentioned something about Dan's family. Was that the reason Dan stopped? But that didn't make any sense. Why would someone stop doing something they're good at because of family issues?

Phil was intrigued but he didn't want to push Dan. He just seemed like a nerdy guy who for some reason wasn't happy. Phil didn't know if he was broken, sad or depressed. He just definitely wasn't happy.

When the bell rang for lunch, Phil rushed out to the cafeteria. He got an apple and made his way to the football field. Sure enough, he found Dan seated under a tree at the end of the field. He had his phone in his hand and his headphones on.

When he saw Phil approaching him, he took of his headphones and nodded at him in greeting.

"Hey." Phil smiled and sat down next to him. "What're you listening to?"

"Kanye's new album." Dan spoke softly. Like he was afraid that anyone else might hear him.

"Oh?" Phil took a bite of his apple. He noticed that Dan wasn't eating anything. "I don't listen to Kanye. Is it good?"

Dan stared at him like Phil had just called his baby ugly.

"Is it good?" Dan leaned forward disbelievingly. "Is it good? Oh my god, Phil! Kanye is perfect! His lyrics! Have you been living under a rock? What do you mean you haven't listened to him! You must! Like, this instant!"

Phil snickered. "You like him that much?"

"I don't like him." Dan narrowed his eyes and craned his neck. "I worship him."

"Wow." Phil chuckled. "Let me see what the fuss is about."

Dan rolled his eyes and passed Phil his headphones. Phil put them on and waited as Dan chose a song for him.

Music exploded in Phil's ears and he closed his eyes. First, a distorted growl echoed and then, the rapping began..

Usually, Phil wasn't really interested in rap music but damn. He had to say, there was something about the song. Whether it was the creepiness, the raw emotion or the human-like groaning in the background. Phil felt drawn.

Halfway into the song, Phil realised that Kanye was trying to express the lack of love in his life. That he had become famous and everyone who had got him there had turned on him. Now, all that remained of him was a monster.

The music stopped and Phil slowly opened his eyes. Dan stared at him expectantly.

Phil took off the headphones and handed them to Dan. "Wow." That was all he could manage.

"Told you." Dan smirked and leaned back on the tree.

"That was so…" Phil rubbed his eyes. "I can't even describe it."

"We've all been there." Dan chuckled to himself.

"I need to listen to more of that." Phil smiled and continued devouring his apple.

Dan didn't reply. He just stared up at the cloudy sky. He looked almost…peaceful.

Phil finished his apple and shoved the core in his bag.

"Phil?" Dan's gaze was still fixed at the sky.

"Yeah?" Phil looked up.

"What did you mean when you said that you knew what I was going through?" Dan uttered the words carefully. "When you said you knew someone who….?"

"Oh." Phil felt nervous. Did he really want to tell Dan?

If I don't tell him about me, he won't do the same.

"My mother." Phil managed to say. "She isn't very stable. I mean, after my dad left, she hit rock bottom. She was young and heartbroken."

Dan finally looked at Phil.

"So, she started drinking and doing drugs." Phil continued. "I was pretty small back then so I didn't really understand what was going on. But one day, in middle school, I found out about the cutting. Called an ambulance and everything.

"She went into rehab and I had to stay with my grandma. The authorities freaked out. They dismissed my mum as mentally unstable and they tried to find a new home for me.

"It didn't really work out so I returned home. My father heard about what happened so he started sending in money to help us out. Personally, I think he bribed the authorities." Phil chuckled. His throat was dry and he felt breathless. "I started taking care of her. She doesn't do drugs anymore but she cuts once in while. She's always medicated and she just. She just isn't the same."

Dan studied Phil's face. His eyes didn't hold any pity in them. Just regret and empathy.

"I'm sorry." He finally said. "Is she okay now?"

"Yeah." Phil breathed out. "She's fine. I mean, I'm used to it now."

Dan stretched his legs and threw his head back against the tree. They both remained silent for a while.

"Man, dads really do fuck everything up." Dan said bitterly.

"What do you mean?" Phil stared at him. "I remember Mr. Smith saying something about your family but I…" He trailed off.

"It was my dad's dream, you know?" Dan's expression held bitterness and sorrow. "He wanted me to be a prodigy. He wanted me to become some sort of international diplomat. What kind of a dream is that?" Dan let out a small chuckle.

"He was very strict. 'Study this, study that. Learn this, learn that.' Always so demanding. He'd give me subjects to study. Everyday it was something new. Astrophysics, biology, literature, geography, history. All that."

Dan took a deep breath.

"At the end of the day, he would want to hear whatever I had learnt. If I answered anything wrong, he would hit me. It didn't matter what it was. If I was wrong, I'd get beaten. Preparing for a speech and mispronounce one word? Beaten until I pass out or do it properly."

Dan laughed.

"I just wanted him to love me. Be proud. I did everything he said. But no matter how good I was, I want enough. The beating just got worse. Punching and slapping. Banging my head against the wall to make it work."

"Dan…" Phil felt speechless. Was this why Dan didn't want anything to do with public speaking?

"No, no. It's fine." Dan's eyes were tearless.

"It must have been horrible." Phil placed his hand on Dan's leg. "Living in such an environment. I can't even imagine–"

"Don't worry." Dan's voice was heavy. It made Phil's stomach churn. "It eventually stopped. I finally go rid of him."

"What do you mean?"

Dan leaned forward and looked at Phil. His eyes for full of guilt, anger and possibly fierceness.

"I killed him."