2 days later

It´s been 10 minutes since Elsie arrived at Isobel´s house and she´s still standing in front of the door. Unsure if she should knock or not. Elsie holds the record on front of her like a shield. She knows, that what she is going to do, is the best for her, even when she is losing Isobel as a friend. Elsie knocks before she can make up her mind again. Nervously biting her lips, rehearsing the words she wants to say over and over again in her head.
"Iso... Mrs Crawley," Elsie is surprised to see Isobel opening the door.
"Elsie, what a nice surprise. I didn´t expect you that soon. Please come in," Isobel smiles and steps aside. "Don´t worry, we are alone."
"Alone?" Elsie asks, feeling a bit sick by the thought of it.
"Yes, Molesley wanted the afternoon off. Something with his father. I didn´t really understand it," Isobel laughs while she puts Elsie´s coat on a hanger.
"Mr Molesley and his father - a never-ending story," Elsie tries to laugh, although she rather wants to cry. Her heart is aching, when she sees Isobel standing there and smiling at her, not knowing why she really came.
"Matthew told me that Nelly Melba is coming. Isn´t that exciting," Isobel says while they are walking down the hall.
"Yes, very exciting," Elsie says, just for the sake of saying something.
"Oh, you brought the record. I hope you like it. Maybe we can listen to it later," Isobel says, when she looks back at Elsie, who is following her into the salon.
Elsie doesn´t reply, she knows that there won´t be a later and she doesn´t now if she can trust he voice, because she feels a lump in her throat. She puts the record on the little table that stands next to the settee.
"Why don´t you take a seat, Elsie."
"No, thank you. I can´t stay long," Elsie answers, clearing her throat. Everything has sound so easy when she practised her words at home, but now with Isobel standing in front of her, her mind has gone blank.
"Is something the matter?" Isobel comes closer, standing right in front of Elsie, who has to fight back the urge to storm out of the room, because she feels, that with every second she spends with Isobel in one room, is she losing more and more of her courage.
"I just came here to... , " Elsie´s look falls on the record.
"Yes?" Isobel looks at her curiously. She has noticed Elsie´s discomfort, the same she has shown the last time when they have been alone. Isobel takes Elsie´s hand. It costs Elsie a lot not to flinch. "Look, I´ve noticed that my visit downstairs has made you feel uncomfortable. I promise you that this won´t happen again. I didn´t know that... "
"No, you did nothing wrong," Elsie interrupts her and takes a deep breath. "It´s ..., " but she can´t do this. She can´t tell Isobel that she´s only here for returning her gift and that it would be better for her not to see her again. Not while Isobel is holding her hand, not while she can see her concern. She hates herself for being so weak, that she can´t resist Isobel like she could resist all the other women before Isobel. Tears are running down her cheeks.
Suddenly she feels Isobel´s hand on her cheek, wiping her tears away.
"Elsie, what is troubling you?" Isobel asks, feeling the rising tears in her eyes.
Elsie leans into Isobel´s touch, covering Isobel´s hand with hers. She enjoys Isobel´s touch. This is all she ever wanted, but she´ll never have it. Elsie dares to look at Isobel and at this moment her wall collapses into pieces. Now she knows why Isobel is so different from all the other women. Elsie feels herself falling and she can´t do anything to stop this.
Both women lean forward at the same time. A warm feeling is spreading in Isobel´s body. It has been so long since she felt something like this and it is exactly how she imagined it during the many sleepless nights. Isobel doesn´t want to let her go, but suddenly Elsie is pushing her away.
Elsie feels that something isn´t right. Isobel´s lips are rough and cold, her body rigid. Elsie is Isobel pushing away and all the colour drains from her face. "No, I... this... ," Elsie starts in disbelief. It´s not Isobel, who is standing in front of her, it´s a ghost from the past. Elsie stumbles back in her panic and nearly falls over the little table. The record falls on the floor and Elsie steps on it. "Elsie, please, what is wrong?" Isobel is confused by her behaviour. They just shared a wonderful moment and the next moment Elsie is in panic and wants to get away from her as far as possible.
Isobel tries to reach for her. "This was a terrible mistake. Please, forgive me," Isobel hears Elsie saying, when she storms into the hallway.

"Please, Elsie. Tell me what is wrong. I don´t understand. Please, come back," Isobel tries to follow her, but Elsie is at the frontdoor, frantically looking back at her. "It wasn´t a mistake," but the door falls into the lock, the hanger still dangeling on the wardrobe. "I do love you," Isobel whispers. She is staring at the door in disbelief, still hoping that Elsie comes back and tells her that this was just a cruel joke. After a while Isobel walks back into the salon. "How could I be so wrong? Have I been so selfish, that I deliberately misread the signs?" She sees the record laying on the floor. Isobel kneels down and picks it up. Pieces of the broken record are falling out of the record sleeve. Isobel starts to sob, when she sees the pieces laying there in front of her. "It wasn´t you, Elsie, who made a mistake. It was me," Isobel says into the empty room, pressing the record sleeve against her chest.

Elsie starts up when she feels a hand on her shoulder.
"I am sorry, Mrs Hughes, but you didn´t hear me knock," Anna says, stepping away from her bed.
"Anna? What... what are you doing here," Elsie wants to know and hastily wipes her tears away.
"I was worried, when I saw you rushing upstairs. Is something the matter? Did you hurt yourself, Mrs Hughes?"
"It´s nothing, Anna. " Elsie sits on the edge of her bed now and tries to collect herself. Anna´s presence has caught her off guard. "I.. I just needed a moment for myself."
"Are you really sure? I can call Dr Clarkson," Anna tries again, because she doesn´t believe Elsie.
"No, really. I´m fine," Elsie tries to assure her. "And he can´t help me anyway," she adds barely audible.
Anna is already on her way out, when she turns around again. "Mrs Hughes?"
"Yes?" Elsie sighs, she would like to be alone again.
"I know it´s not my business, Mrs Hughes, but does it have something to do with the parcel you got?"
Elsie looks at her with wide eyes. How could she know? No,she doesn´t know anything. "I... I... what are you talking about?" Elsie studders and knows that she has given herself away with this reaction.
Anna comes closer. "I saw something the other day, Mrs Hughes."
Elsie rises from her bed. "What, what have you seen?" she demands to know.
"Well, you didn´t hear the gong and that is not like you, Mrs Hughes. So I went to your room and knocked, but you didn´t answer and I knew that you´re in there, so I opened the door and saw you standing at the window... crying." Anna doesn´t want to make Elsie feel uncomfortable , but what she has seen worries her.
Elsie covers her open mouth with her hand, she can´t believe what she´s just heard and sits down again. Anna sits down next to her. "But I immediately closed the door again."
Elsie clears her throat. "Have you..."
"No, I haven´t told anyone, Mrs Hughes."
Elsie is relieved, but nonetheless alarmed. How could she explain why she was crying? "But what makes you think that this has something to do with today?"
"Because I know you for quite a while now, Mrs Hughes," Anna takes Elsie´s hands in hers. "And I´ve noticed your changed behaviour after you got the parcel. You have been so distracted and didn´t really pay attention when someone was talking to you."
A million thoughts are running through Elsie´s mind. She gets up and nervously kneads her hands. Elsie doesn´t know how to get out of this situation, because Anna is right, she knows her too well and would immediately know when Elsie tells her a lie. Elsie would even call their relationship a friendship, a very distant friendship but one nonetheless. And if the circumstances were different, Elsie would consider to confide in her.
"Mrs Hughes, " Anna gets up as well, " I´m really sorry, if I´ve made you feel uncomfortable. I shouldn´t have said a word. I am just glad to see that you are okay," but her worried expression tells something else.
"Anna, I...," Elsie begins and stops. She doesn´t know how to continue. She isn´t even sure if she should say something at all. She could easily send Anna away without saying anything, but Elsie would always know that Anna suspects something. Of course can´t Anna suspect what happened today, but just the thought of it, that Anna might suspect something, makes Elsie feel uneasy. So maybe, just maybe she should tell her the whole story. Elsie knows, that Anna is discret and can keep a secret, but how would she react to hers? It is not only a secret Elsie keeps, it´s herself she keeps secret. All her life has Elsie lived with this secret and suddenly she has the feeling that she can no longer carry the burden, because suddenly there are people who care about her. Isobel may not be in love with her, but Elsie knows that she had found a true friend in her. At least she had a friend in her until today. Elsie has tears in her eyes again, when she remembers what happened earlier. She was so glad to find a friend and then she´d ruined everything with her feelings. Elsie sits back on the bed.
Anna hands her a handkerchief. She is overstrained with this situation, because she has never seen Elsie in such a state. All these years Elsie has been a firm rock and everybody, who had something on their mind, could come to her. It pains Anna to see, that Elsie sits there like a bunch of misery and has no one she could confide in.
"Mrs Hughes, I know that I don´t have the right to know what is going on with you, but when Mr Bates was arrested last year, I could always come to you, no matter what time it was and cry on your shoulder," Anna sits down next to Elsie and takes her hands again. "Maybe I´m not in the right postion, but you have always been there for me and I want you to know, that I´m here for you."
"Thank you," was the only thing Elsie is able to say. She is torn between telling Anna everything and keeping her secret and live on like she did all these years.
"It... it means a lot to me what you´ve just said, " Elsie smiles sadly. "But I...," Elsie stops again. "I´m scared to tell you the truth"
"Scared? What do you mean, Mrs Hughes?" Anna is confused.
"I´m scared that you will... that you will despise me when you know the truth," it costs Elsie a lot to speak these words. This was one of the reasons why she kept her secret all these years and not even Mrs Patmore, who she really calls a friend, knows about it. She doesn´t want to feel the disdain and see the disgust when they find out about her. She has seen it so often and she knows that she could never live with this reaction from the people she cares about.
"I don´t know what so say, Mrs Hughes, but surely this can´t be that bad, that I´ll change my mind about you." Anna looks encouragingly at Elsie. She can see that Elsie is struggling with herself, but she doesn´t want to push her. After a while, when Elsie hasn´t said a word, Anna gets up and wants to leave the room, when Elsie begins to speak.
"It was a gift from Mrs Crawley and today I have been at her house to return it," Elsie begins.
"I thought that you and Mrs Crawley are friends, Mrs Hughes."
"Well, that... that is the problem. I... I... have more than friendly feelings for her."
"You mean, that..."
"Yes, Anna. I´m in love Mrs Crawley and this is not the first time... I have always prefered women." There it is. Elsie doesn´t want look at Anna. She doesn´t want to see her disgust. But when Anna doesn´t react, Elsie looks at her
"I think, I can be honest now, but I had an assumption, Mrs Hughes," Anna says carefully after digesting the schock of Elsie´s revelation.
Elsie can´t believe what she´d just heard. " You... knew?"
"No, not until now. But last year I´ve seen you arguing with the new postmistress. I didn´t hear what you were saying, but I had the impression that you were very familiar with each other and when you left, she was very upset and crying. And you know, there are these rumours about her in the village and I just... I´m sorry, Mrs Hughes, but I simply assumed. Have you and her been...," Anna feels a bit uneasy to ask this.
"No, I ended it before it could start. That´s why we had this argument," Elsie smiles sadly. " Have you told anyone?"
"About what I´ve seen? Of course not, Mrs Hughes," Anna answers and queezes Elsie´s hands she´s still holding.
"Thank you," Elsie whispers.
"But if I may ask, Mrs Hughes, what happened today that you are in such a state? Have you told Mrs Crawley?"
Elsie shakes her head, the images of their kiss are back in her head. Anna gets Elsie a glass of water and she takes a sip before she continues.
"We... I kissed her," Elsie looks at the glass in her hand.
"And Mrs Crawley didn´t react how you expected?" Anna asks after a while Elsie hasn´t said thing.
"Yes... no... I don´t know, because suddenly Rachel was standing in front of me and I ran away" Elsie answers absent-minded.
"Rachel?" Anna asks confused
"A ghost from the past. Someone I would like to forget, but I can´t because... because of her I am who I am today," tears are running down again. Elsie wipes them forcefully away. She gets up and walks to the little window. Looking onto the court where Thomas stands. "If he would only know how much we have in common," Elsie thinks.
"Maybe I should start at the beginning," Elsie says after a while, looking back at Anna.

"Before I came here I was working in a house near London. Rachel was already working there. It was my first employment and I was really scared being away from home and all the new impressions, but Rachel was really nice to me and took me under her wing. We became really good friends, spent our spare time together and soon we became more." Elsie looks back out of the window, because she doesn´t want Anna to see her blushing, when she remembers their first love-making. "It was wonderful, because suddenly there was someone, who really cared for me, who loved me. I´ve never felt like this before or after," Elsie walks back to the bed. "Of course nobody could know about us, but we didn´t mind because we had each other and well, secret kisses are the sweetest of all," Elsie smiles abesent-minded.

" Everything was perfect until Mrs Edwards, the head-housekeeper, offered me new position. She thought, that I was good at my job and she wanted me to become her assistent, so that I could become her replacement one day. I was over the moon and all the other servants have been so happy for me, except Rachel. Her reaction was rather relactant, but I thought she was behaving like this because of our relationship. That the others might suspect something when she´s too happy. I don´t know and I didn´t really give it a second thought, because two days later she said that we should celebrate this and that she has a surprise for me. I was stunned when I entered my room. It was decorated with flowers and there was even a little gramophon. No idea where she got it from. And Rachel was standing in the middle of the room, looking exceptionally beautiful," Elsie wipes another tear from her cheek. "We were dancing to the music, everything felt so right, but... but when we started kissing... Mrs Edwards burst in. Everything happened so fast. Rachel pushed me away, yelling at me, what I was doing to her. Wiping her mouth, saying that I was disgusting. And all the time I stood there and didn´t understand a word, while Mrs Edwards demanded to know that was going on. Rachel accused me of... of... of forcing myself on to her," Elsie was sobbing now.

Anna doesn´t now what so say and takes Elsie in her arms instead. After a while Elsie calms down and continues." Mrs Edwards wanted to know if this was true and I said that this was a lie, but Rachel started to cry and became really hysterical and said that this wasn´t the first time I tried to make a move. I couldn´t believe what I was hearing. And what even more shocked me, was the look in her eyes, when she said all these evil things. She was enjoying to humiliate me. I tried to defend myself, but in the end Mrs Edwards believed Rachel and she told me to leave as soon as possible, what I did the other day. Of course everybody knew in the morning what happened the night before and I could not only see but also feel the digust of the others. All the people who seemed to like me, were now disgusted by me. At least Mrs Edwards was so nice and gave me a reference, but I could see her disgust,when she handed me the papers, as well ." Elsie wraps her arms around herself. "The worse thing was, that the others had warned me about Rachel. They told me to be careful, because she was only using other people for her own good and did nothing without ulterior motives, but I didn´t believe them. Why should I? They dind´t know the Rachel I knew. The caring and sensitive Rachel, the Rachel who made me laugh and held me during the nights. Well, obviously I was the one who has been blind. Now I know that she was jealous of me and this must have been a trap, because the music was far too loud, but I was so happy,that I didn´t notice," Elsie laughs bitterly. "Rachel was standing at the gate when I left. I stopped and wanted to know why she had done this, but instead of giving me an answer, did she insult me again, called me names I don´t want to repeat and... and... and spat at me, before she went inside again. Laughing."
"Oh, Mrs Hughes, I don´t know what so say," Anna says with tears in her eyes.
"Well," Elsie says after a while," then I came to Downton. I could start all over again and I did."
"Did you ever have another relationship?" Anna asks.
"With another woman? No, I... I... once even tried to have a relationship with a man...because I thought that maybe... but... I couldn´t change myself and it was... so horrible. That´s why I decided, that I rather stay alone than forcing myself into something I don´t want."
Elsie can see Anna´s compassion for her in her eyes and it feels so good, because she knows that Anna really means it. Anna´s emotion have always been an open book for her and today she was extremely grateful for this.
"But did you never fancy other women? What about the postmistress?"
Elsie smiles at Anna." Of course have there been other women and under different circumstances, who knows? But every time when I noticed that I was beginning to feel something for them, I simply went away. I bottled up my feelings and forbade, yes, I forbade myself to love again," Elsie laughs bitterly. "And you know, it worked. Of course was it painful sometimes, because who doesn´t want to love and be loved, but after a while I got over it and went on as if nothing happened." Elsie sits down on the chair next to her desk.
"But then Mrs Crawley came,"Anna says.
"Yes, Isobel, "Elsie whispers, looking out of the window, picturing Isobel standing in her hallway, begging her to stay. "She is so different from all the other women. I tried so hard, because I could feel that my feelings for her grew stronger with every encounter, but I could do absolutely nothing against it. I was helpless. But now I know that I´ve seen things... no,I wanted to see things that weren´t there."
"But Mrs Hughes," Anna kneels in front of her, placing her hands on Elsie´s knees, " you said, that you ran away. So you don´t know how Mrs Crawley reacted to your kiss. Maybe if you would ex..."
"Oh,no," Elsie interrupts her," I can never look into her eyes again. I´ve made a complete fool out of me and I´ve ruined everything. She´ll probably never want to see me again. I know that I´ve lost her and I can´t blame her," Elsie´s sighs.
The gong sounds before Anna can say something.
"Oh,no, is it already that late?" Both women get up. "Why don´t you stay here, Mrs Hughes. I´ll tell Mr Carson that you are not well," Anna offers.
"Yes, maybe that would be better. I must look like a mess," Elsie laughes, blowing her nose.
"Thank you, Anna." Anna doesn´t have to ask what for. She only hopes, that she was able to help Elsie with listening to her story, but by the look of her, she doubts that it is her, who can really help.