Everybody has a Ghost
By JuniperHeart
Summary - After dynamic shifts in the world's politics and set 5 years after the battle with Ultimecia, Squall reflects on his loves and losses and what he truly needs to live again. The challenge is in doing something about it.
Warnings - Contains homosexual relationships, sexual situations, angst, sappiness on occasion, and swearing. Oh and no Rinoa-bashing.
Pairings - Squall/Rinoa (reminiscent), Squall/OC, Squall/Seifer
A/N - Thanks for the support. Enjoy! The lyrics are taken from 'In a State' by Unkle.
Chapter Two – In a State
My mind is in a state, 'cause everything I miss, it comes too late
So I try to disappear but there is only one way out of here
This time, this time reality struck me between the eyes
Squall winced as his blaring alarm roused him from all too comfortable slumber. Mornings had become more and more unbearable as time went on until he only had dregs of motivation left. This morning was no different. Fighting the almost irresistible urge to press sleep on his alarm and fall back into the abyss, he turned off his alarm and rolled out of his warm bed.
Upon entering the bathroom he swiftly avoided looking into the mirror and climbed into the shower to fight the crisp morning chill. Another day, another set of tasks to fulfil. He supposed he was lucky he had developed an anal level of organisation and so everything was done by the numbers. Efficiency was key, in his opinion, even when it came to paperwork. He would have to get started today by analysing the intelligence retrieved from his agents in Galbadia, inform Quistis of the situation and then tackle the ordeal of getting the SeeDs their guardian forces back. Now that was going to be a logistical nightmare; getting the soldiers to and from Esthar without lacking soldiers at garden in case of an emergency. Even though Esthar was not that far from Balamb, it would still take time for a complete transfer of GF to SeeD.
Squall pressed his forehead against the shower wall and groaned into it. He didn't want to do all of this. It was expected of him and he took it up like he was supposed to. Before Cid had passed away he had always mentioned how good it was for Squall to do this job, how he naturally instilled morale in the students and SeeDs. How they respected him and looked up to him as a commander.
What absolute and utter crap. He was respected as much as an intrusive mother-in-law on a wedding day.
So he knew why he kept doing this. Out of respect for Cid and out of guilt that he would be somehow letting him down if he gave it up. What he wouldn't give for an uncomplicated job fixing up cars or weapons or something. It was too late now, given the political instability between Galbadia and Esthar.
After washing for longer than necessary, Squall quickly dressed into his usual casual attire of a t-shirt and jeans (he no longer bothered with the leather and belts; he couldn't be bothered) and made his way out of his rooms and up to the central office.
Even in his casual getup the students didn't seem to change their opinion of him. He felt helpless to change that opinion also, like hell would freeze over if he actually smiled and talked to them. He had the feeling that would send them running like bats out of hell anyway. So he blocked out their curious and wary whispers and entered the elevator, remembering the techniques Dr. Kadowaki had taught him to feel at peace.
Peace, however, was a fleeting feeling as Squall examined the intelligence reports on his computer screen. Galbadia was indeed calling for more mercenaries, engineers, pilots and mages, but it didn't look as though they were steaming ahead to war for a while. So he still had time to prepare. The brunette scrolled and skim-read through the report to find the important parts, his eyes resting on some information that did in fact worry him. There were rumours of their using Balamb garden as a base, given it was smack bang in between the two nations. So he would have to move Garden and evacuate Balamb town to prevent that. But if he moved too suddenly Galbadia would get suspicious, so he figured when more pressing information came about he would make the move. The report did not seem to contain much information about the strength of Galbadia's army, yet they had always been second to Esthar in terms of technology, science and strength so he had no clue why they were preparing for an attack. Was it something Esthar had that they wanted? Something that Esthar wouldn't just give away? In any case, he had a lot to discuss with Quistis… but… He would talk to Odine first. A discussion with Quistis recently did not just involve an exchange of information. Then again, talking with Odine was not that appealing either. Regardless, he punched through his number and waited for his image to show up on the holographic screen.
This was always part of the problem talking with Odine; trying to pull him away from his research could sometimes take a very long time.
After about 3 minutes of dialling and waiting somewhat patiently, Odine's haggard visage appeared on the screen.
"Vat iz the meaning of zis?! Don't you realize zat I have important research to do…" Odine raved away at the screen, Squall filtering most of it out.
By now, Squall was used to it. "Dr. Odine," Squall shouted over top the ranting, "we're going to need to get the SeeD's and students their GFs back quickly. I'm sure you're aware of the situation in Galbadia?"
Odine's verbal diarrhoea truncated almost immediately, but he still appeared quite impatient. "Yes. I am aware of zis."
"So, I'm sure you can understand our position. We're going to send those in Balamb garden to your GF facility in rotations as of today. I will also contact Quistis and ask her to send their soldiers to the facility also. We can't take any chances." And thus Squall awaited the backlash.
"I am NOT staffed to deal with zis! How do you expect me to just drop everyzing…"
Squall sighed and raised his hands, as if it would calm the scientist. "I will ask Quistis to put as many resources as she can into this operation, including, perhaps, a research incentive for yourself."
Odine trailed off from his rant but eventually nodded in approval. "It iz agreed. I also have news zat you may be interested in…"
"Go on." Squall narrowed his eyes in suspicion. This man could be tricky.
"I have been verking on a modification for my bracelet. My calculations suggest zat it may be able to completely subdue the sorceress' power if it senses it going out of control… And your friend may be a great asset in this var… if it becomes such."
Anger coursed through Squall. Rinoa would never be an 'asset', and how did he know that his calculations were correct? Then again, his discoveries had been on the money so far.
Suppressing his desire to punch an unbreakable screen, he chose to nod. "Thank you for that information. Message me with more information as it comes about, please." He didn't know if he could take another conversation with the man, even if it weren't in person.
"Yes, yes, I must get back to my research. Send me details on the individuals I will working with."
And with that, the weird, seedy scientist was gone. Thank goodness.
Would Rinoa really be set free? Would she really be able to live a normal life? A spark of optimism hit Squall but then the reality sent him crashing down. How would they ever 'be' again? He was decidedly asexual. The only person he felt any semblance of love for was Matron, and that was all too distant to him now. Squall heaved a sigh and cradled his face in his hands. He didn't even know if he still loved Rinoa; it had been so long since they'd actually seen each other. He never went to visit her at the memorial, even though he should have, but he couldn't bear to go through those feelings again. Seeing her in that state and not being able to do anything about it. In the year after the war against Ultimecia they had been together, he had been happy. Having Rinoa in his life had made him happy. Her being in stasis had left him morbidly depressed. But did he still love her in a more intimate way? Did he ever? He knew his feelings had been warped by his darkness so he didn't dare ask any more questions of himself. He dialled Quistis' number instead.
Quistis was fairly prompt to accept his call, compared to Odine. Her usually happy grin graced him and Squall almost felt as though he should smile back. Almost.
"Squall! Just the man I was thinking about! To what do I owe this honour?" She grinned and chewed on the tip of her pen; an old habit.
Squall's lip twitched in borderline annoyance. "Come off it, we talk to each other all the time."
"Still, I enjoy it every time," Quistis quipped and rustled some papers on her desk. "So… what do you have for me today?"
Squall relayed the intelligence he had received from his agents and his plans to equip the students and SeeDs with their GFs.
"That's interesting. So… it doesn't seem like they'll attack soon?"
Squall shook his head and relaxed back in his chair. "They're still gathering their forces. It could take time. Also, I need to advise you that we may need to move Garden and evacuate Balamb closer to the attack as there are rumours they will be after Balamb first."
"Ooh, that's not good. Laguna is still trying to talk with President Wright and get him come clean about their plans but no cigar. I have a hunch as to what they want, so I think I know where you should land Garden." Quistis, a departure from her younger days, seemed to now enjoy leaving the conversation hanging. Maybe it was an attempt to get Squall to say something, even if it was asking her to continue her train of thought.
He indulged her. "Where is that?"
"Near the sorceress memorial. I can't think of anything else they would want from Esthar that they had to take by force."
Squall clenched his jaw and ran a hand through his hair. "Plausable." He had no idea what he could say to that. It wasn't as though he could blurt out what he had been thinking before this conversation. "Has Odine talked to you?"
"No… Not recently. Even though we should be talking regularly I try to avoid that man as much as possible." She seemed to visually shudder, or maybe it was just the hologram.
"Understandable," Squall offered, "I feel the same way. He has been working on that bangle… You know, the one that supposedly suppresses sorceress' powers?"
Quistis nodded, noticeably on edge now.
"Well, he says that his modifications will shut down Rinoa's powers as soon as they go haywire…"
The blonde's eyes widened. "You mean…?"
"Yes."
Quistis leapt up from her chair and started pacing excitedly. "So we can free Rinoa? I mean, I was not a big fan in the beginning but she really grew on me." Once Quistis was back in her chair she continued. "So… How do you feel about this?"
"Oh, here we go…" Squall swung around in his chair.
"Squall! Don't you turn away from me like that young man!" Quistis reprimanded. "You need to talk about these things! Hyne, you never talk to me about anything. I know what's happening to you. It doesn't take a genius to see that you're-"
"-I'm what?" The brunette swung back around in his chair. "Depressed? Lonely? Empty? I know what's happening to me, I just don't know what the fuck to do about it!"
Quistis frowned, fuming. "That's it. I've had enough. You're a stubborn prick, you know that?"
"Yeah, and what?" Squall was out of witty retorts. He couldn't win against her anyway.
"I talked to Xu and we've decided to present an ultimatum. An intervention if you please."
Squall could feel himself slowly reaching breaking point. "Oh please, it's not like I'm a druggie or something."
Quistis paused and pinched the bridge of her nose. "You need to get away. We're worried about you and you're not getting any better. I also called Matron. She's expecting you later on today."
"WHAT?" Squall thought he was relatively tolerant, that was until his freedom was snatched away from him. "What did you say to Edea?"
Quistis chuckled exasperatedly. "Oh, she knows all about what you're going through right now, and hey, she offered to take you in for a few days. And you know what? She seems pretty hell-bent on seeing you."
"I can't believe this…" Squall once again rested his face in his hands. "So I have no choice? What about the war? The GF transfers? The bloody breeding of T-Rexaur? I can't just drop everything."
Quistis' face softened after Squall mentioned the T-Rexaur breeding. "Yes. Yes you can. It's all organised. If you give me your passwords I will take over intelligence, Xu and I will sort out the GF transfers and Xu will delegate the breeding to an unlucky soul. You need to get out of this… This hole and being on your own in Garden is not helping."
It was at this point that Squall conceded. "Fine."
"Great! I will let Matron know! And you should take Ragnarok out for a spin anyway. Let me know when you get there and I'll keep you updated. Have fun!"
"See you." Squall muttered. Like hell he was going to have fun. He loved Matron, but even so, he was expected even more of a grilling from her than Quistis was ever capable of.
Squall's chair squeaked as he leant back in it, stretching his arms behind his head. Maybe it would be exactly what the doctor ordered.
