Everybody has a Ghost
By JuniperHeart
Summary - After dynamic shifts in the world's politics and set 5 years after the battle with Ultimecia, Squall reflects on his loves and losses and what he truly needs to live again. The challenge is in doing something about it.
Warnings - Contains homosexual relationships, sexual situations, angst, sappiness on occasion, and may contain swearing. Oh and no Rinoa-bashing.
Pairings - Squall/Rinoa (reminiscent), Squall/OC, Squall/Seifer
A/N - Sorry that I take so long updating! I have a very busy job that is using up much of my time. The song for this chapter is Apocalypse Dreams by Tame Impala.
Chapter Three – Apocalypse Dreams
Everything is changing and there's nothing I can do
My world is turning pages while I am just sitting here
Well, am I getting closer? Will I ever get there? Does it even matter?
The rest of Squall's morning consisted of trying to scrounge up people to assist in the T-rexaur breeding programme but with no luck, understandably. Not many people risked battling them now that magic was not available, let alone corralling them and trying to get them to breed.
Around midday during lunch Squall felt that he should probably think about the agreement he had made with Quistis. He had been avoiding it most of the morning, as reluctant as he was to go see Matron. He did love and miss her but not her lectures.
"Hey Squall!" A loud familiar voice broke Squall from his reverie. "Hear you're going away for a few days."
A tray with about ten hotdogs clattered down on the table and the stocky head of training flopped onto the chair across from Squall.
"Against my will, yes." Squall didn't look up from his stuffed chicken breast in greeting, but he supposed Zell was used to that sort of thing.
The sound of Zell stuffing a hot dog down his gullet assaulted Squall's ears and he was instantly put off what he didn't really want to eat in the first place. He was noticing he wasn't putting in what he was putting out and his hip bones were jutting out more than he liked. He knew about nutrition, he just felt no enjoyment in eating.
"Man, I'm jealous. I'd love to get away to see Matron, but these young ones are keeping me busy. Xu told me that I needed to push them even harder due to 'preparations' being made by particular governments." Zell grinned widely, remnants of hotdogs remaining in his teeth.
Zell had already downed two hot dogs and was starting on his third when Squall began to wonder where they went. His impressive physique did not seem to change, no matter his diet. He was also wondering when and if his metabolism would slow down at some point.
"I'm sure the prodigies will begin to shine at any time." Squall muttered and pushed his tray away, finally meeting Zell's bright blue eyes.
"I don't know if we have anyone matching you or Seifer's level at that age, though. Some are talented but there's none with any natural ability." Zell lowered his voice. "I'm worried that if something does happen that these kids won't be able to hold their own."
The edges of the brunette's mouth twitched. He liked it when seemingly macho men showed their sensitive side, and even though Zell was a lot calmer, he still got defensive about things.
"Don't worry Zell, they'll be the last force we'll use. Esthar's military force eclipses Galbadia, so we shouldn't have to resort to using ungraduated students."
The blonded grinned, looking slightly relieved. "Then again, we'd only just become SeeDs and they sent us out on a mission that turned out to be pretty dangerous."
Squall exhaled. "Those were desperate times. This time no sorceresses are involved… well…" Squall unconsciously trailed off, "I hope…" Squall held his tongue quickly, hoping that Zell had not heard the last few words.
"Rinoa? How's she involved?
Squall ran his hand through his hair and cursed under his breath. "I suppose I should tell you."
"Tell me what?" Zell moved closer, curiosity painted on his face.
"It's thought that Galbadia are after Rinoa. They must know that she's unable to control her powers and think they can use that as a force against the rest of the world." Squall's heart thudded. They wouldn't do anything if he had anything to do with it. "That's why a weaker nation is thinking of going to war with Esthar. There's no other obvious explanation."
Zell slouched back in his chair. "Oh shit."
"Yeah. Pretty much." Squall pushed himself up from his seat and grabbed his tray. "But I'll be damned if they get their dirty hands on her." And with that, the commander strode off out of the cafeteria.
In his wake, Zell smirked into his fifth hotdog. The old Squall was on his way back, baby.
Ragnarok was perched on the newly constructed air bay behind the garden and still glistened in the afternoon sun like it always used to, despite it being not being used for a long time. Squall hoped he could still fly her well and do the magnificent aircraft justice. Pulling his rucksack tighter onto his right shoulder, he climbed into the entrance and through to the cockpit, wondering why he never too Ragnarok out for a spin every now and then. Then he swiftly remembered – it had always reminded him of the retrieval of Rinoa in space and everything she had gone through. He would just have to put up with it the haunting memories. There was no way he was prepared to take a slower craft to Centra anyway, because that could double or even triple his travel time. After throwing his things onto one of the other seats, Squall sat in the pilot's seat and grasped the controls. They felt familiar in his hands, yet it was an odd sensation without the rest of the gang in the cock pit. Pangs of nostalgia flooded through him as he remembered how gung-ho they had been back then; full of confidence and determination. Now they had disbanded Squall knew that he had gained a lot from their company. Most of those feelings had been lost in the last 5 years.
Squall fired up the engines and set the thrusters to lift the craft off the ground. Admiring the shrinking garden below him, he set off south across the ocean to the continent of Centra.
Three hours later and Squall had the beaches of the lower continent of Centra in his sights. Lowering his altitude, the glistening marble buildings of his old home came into view. It didn't look like it did the last time he had been here 5 years ago, so he assumed that Matron had been rather busy with the orphanage. In the distance and further inland the new settlement of Olia glistened. New buildings and farmland showed the high level of productivity there. Olia was once a haven, much like Winhill, where individuals settled to get away from the political uneasiness of the two larger nations. Within only fouryears a bustling community had been established and Squall's curiousity burgeoned. He would have to visit there at some point. After his scanning of the landscape, Squall carefully navigated to the side of the orphanage and lowered Ragnarok steadily into the grassy fields. After grabbing his gear, he tentatively climbed out of Ragnarok and made his way up to the entrance of Edea's home. The orphanage did not look like an abandoned ruin anymore as the stone work had been masterfully repaired. The Corinthian columns stood strong in the evening sun and glistened with new life. The rotting wood of the doors had been replaced and the metal work of the latches had also been re-done. Even though he did not remember much of his childhood, the restored orphanage seemed to bring nostalgia to life within him and the warmth that followed was comforting.
Squall fidgeted and adjusted his bag on his shoulder. It was now or never. The brunette rapped on the door a few times but didn't seem to get any answer from inside. After a few minutes of waiting and knocking he searched around the entrance for any clue as to how to get inside. He searched in the gardening boots by the door, under the nearby rocks but then laid his eyes on the potted plants further down the wall. Upon looking under the third pot he found a glistening key that could only be the key to the front door. Once he was inside he dropped his bag and sat down on one of the couches in the main living area. Even though the interior was low maintenance, being stone and wood, more work needed doing to the interior. The warmth of nostalgia didn't leave him, and especially so when he laid his eyes on a photograph that Matron must have unearthed of the orphanage children. Zell, Quisty, Ellone, Selphie, Irvine, Seifer and himself. Squall arose from the comfort of the overstuffed couch and made his way out to the beach. The lighthouse shone in the distance like the rest of the house and Squall felt at that exact moment that he was at peace. Well and truly. It was so quiet. He was away from everything. It was just the sun and the waves and the flowers and himself. Squall took off his shoes and dug his toes into the white sand, feeling the grainy texture under the soles of his feet. He then rolled up his jeans and waded into the lapping waves, feeling the coolness of the water and smelling the saltiness of the ocean. It was like a sensory overload, something he had not exposed himself to for a very long time, but at the same time he felt it was something he had needed to experience.
Squall allowed himself to take it all in and lay down in the sand, letting the sand get into his clothes and hair but not really caring. So this is what the calm after the storm felt like. The world was mostly relatively peaceful, enjoying being free from a sorceress's influence, power and destruction and taking in the world for what it was. How had he not let himself experience this side of it? No wonder he was severely depressed.
Selphie and Irvine were so happy now with their brood and cats. Quistis was fired up and motivated by what she was doing. Ellone was busy with her own study on her abilities and even though she didn't contact Squall often, he knew that she loved him as a brother. Zell, well, he was perfectly okay given he had a constant supply of hot dogs. But Seifer… He didn't know what Seifer was up to these days. Not that he cared to know, as after the battle with Ultimecia, even though Seifer had been pardoned for his possessed crimes, Squall still felt utter animosity for him. He didn't feel he could think anything differently of him. He was the one that fell into the trap with his 'romantic dream'. He instigated the whole thing all because he felt he was too good for everyone else and wanted to follow a sorceress blindly. Squall too had made a promise to Rinoa, but this was completely different. He was not without sympathy though; Seifer must have felt at least a smidgen of guilt for the things that Ultimecia did through him, but even so he remained cocky throughout the numerous court cases he was involved in afterwards. That was what Squall knew he absolutely hated about Seifer.
Squall punched the sand beside, frustrated that his peace was gone and decided to go back into the house.
"Squall, honey." A gentle voice came from the house and Squall pushed himself up from the sand to face Matron.
"Hello Matron." Squall tried to smile at his aging second mother but knew that he would be lying. "I am here, as per your request."
Edea smirked as Squall walked up to meet her. "Oh come on, don't make it sound like such a chore. I didn't raise you that way."
Squall ran his hand through his hair and tried to shake the sand out of it. "Sorry. I guess I have lost my recent-found sociability."
Edea sighed and rested her hands on her hips. Upon closer inspection, she was allowing herself to age gracefully; her jet black hair was now streaked with grey and her face had become more lined since the last time he saw her. "I know all about it. You will not believe the things I've been hearing from Quistis, but then again, you probably don't want to know."
The brunette followed Matron into the house and helped her put her groceries away. "No thank you," he ended up saying to Edea's previous comment.
"Help me with dinner, will you." Edea commented and placed potatoes, carrots and parnips in front of squall to peel.
"Yes ma'am." Squall muttered, fearing an incoming negative response from Edea.
She turned to Squall, eyes narrowed, and swatted him on the arm. "No cheekiness from you, young man!"
Squall, without even realising initially, smirked at Edea's playfulness. And this was why he loved her.
After a filling dinner, in which matron had almost stuffed food down Squall's throat, the two settled down in the living area.
"You're too thin." Edea commented.
Squall frowned. "I know."
Edea frowned as well in response. "I don't know any other way to ask this of you… because I know what you're like… but… please tell me what you're feeling right now."
Squall threw up his hands, about ready to react defensively, when he noticed the concern on Edea's face. It mirrored that of Quistis' every time he talked to her, but he'd never really given her a straight answer. Now the woman who had raised him through childhood was asking, and maybe it had something to do with the wine he guzzled with dinner, but he was feeling a little more ready to open up.
"I'm not sure how to explain it." Squall rested his arms on his knees and inspected the floor. "I guess it's the typical symptoms of depression. At least, that's what Dr. Kadowaki says. I just feel lost. Empty. Like I have nothing-"
"-left to live for?" Edea finished for him.
"Yeah," Squall continued, "there's this things called a 'raison d'être'. A reason for existing. I don't think I have anything even remotely close."
Edea smiled and hugged a pillow. "I know that feeling, Squall. You may not think it, but I do. When Cid passed away I lost my raison d'être. I was really lost for a very long time, but things got better when I realised that I still have you. I still have Quisty, Zell, Irvine, Selphie, Ellone and Seifer. I still have these young people that I love that were fortunate to survive the cruel ordeals they were forced to witness and react to. I guess… thinking that put everything in perspective for me. You still have Rinoa and from what I hear she may be let out of cryostasis soon. That's something to look forward to!"
Squall knew at this point that he should smile, at least to humour Matron, but he couldn't. As much as he wanted to see Rinoa live life fully again, he couldn't even smile. "I suppose. But then again, I've lost so much of myself I don't even know how I feel about her anymore. I don't know what I'd do or feel if I saw her 'alive' again."
"Hmm…" Edea sat down next to Squall and laid her arm across his hunched shoulders. "Even if you don't love her intimately, you still love her. Somewhere in there, you still love her."
The brunette sighed loudly and rubbed his eyes with his thumbs. "I guess I still have a lot of baggage. I have so much internal conflict I can't even deal with external conflict."
"But that's only human, Squall." Edea rested her head against Squall's shoulder. "We all have conflicts. But I agree that you need to sort out some of what's weighing you down. Get some closure on things."
Squall felt as though at this point he should be trying to figure out what Edea was saying but he was emotionally exhausted at this point.
Edea released her hold and stood up. "Look, get some rest. Maybe things will be easier to deal with in the morning."
Squall looked up to see Edea's gleaming eyes shining warmly on his. A smile graced Squall's list as he nodded and made his way to his make-shift bedroom.
"Good night Edea."
"Sweet dreams, Squall."
