Everybody has a Ghost
By JuniperHeart
Summary - After dynamic shifts in the world's politics and set 5 years after the battle with Ultimecia, Squall reflects on his loves and losses and what he truly needs to live again. The challenge is in doing something about it.
Warnings - Contains homosexual relationships, sexual situations, angst, sappiness on occasion, and may contain swearing. Oh and no Rinoa-bashing.
Pairings - Squall/Rinoa (reminiscent), Squall/OC, Squall/Seifer
A/N - Thanks for the support, I'm really enjoying writing this! The song for this chapter is Seasons Change by Days of the New.
Chapter 4 – Seasons Change
Seasons change
Your life I can rearrange
Time for a change
Things will never be the same
The following morning, Squall felt himself to be rather, refreshingly, well rested. Matron had brought a lot of baggage to the surface, and it almost felt as though he was tossing it out of his being, but he wasn't too sure if his increasing positivity would continue once he returned back to garden. After enjoying the warm confines of the bed in the spare room for longer than he normally did, he washed and wandered into the living area for breakfast. Matron was sitting in a nook, reading a book, already done with breakfast by the look of it.
"Help yourself to fruit, toast, cereal, whatever you like. I've got a busy day in store for you." Matron said in a distracted voice, not once tearing her eyes away from her book.
Squall nodded and strode into the kitchen, his feet cool against the stone floors. He was looking forward to a busy day, but figured he should probably return back to garden the next morning, just to be safe. He didn't want to get used to this.
After helping himself to some eggs on toast, which he ate with an appetite mind you, he sat down in the nook with Edea and inspected the cover of the book she was reading. A romance novel. Huh, he never really imagined her to be the type, but it showed how perceptive he was of people. Matron inserted her bookmark and put her book down in the corner, taking a good look at Squall.
"Now you've got some colour to you." She smiled and cocked her head, pushing some of Squall's hair behind his ear. "You really are a very handsome young man when you want to be, you know."
Squall didn't see it. He didn't see what Rinoa saw in him either. He figured he was pretty average. Not much had really changed, except his hair was a bit longer, he'd lost a bit (well, a lot) of weight, and with his usual uniform of blue jeans and white t-shirt, he dressed a lot more casually.
"You just need to eat more and begin to love yourself. Then others will express their love for you more openly."
Feeling slightly embarrassed and more than a little uncomfortable, Squall arose from the seat in the nook and placed his hand on his hip in impatience. "So, what are we doing today?"
Matron got up from her seat and guided Squall into one of the vacant bedrooms. "We're going to work on this one today. Get all the wood finishing constructed, sanded and varnished and get rid of the moss on the stone work. It should keep us busy for a while."
Squall could honestly say that he'd never picked up a hammer or any other building tool in his life, so he didn't know how much help he would be.
Matron continued. "Someone is dropping off the timber for us shortly and will be helping us out with the carpentry, but for now we can start on that pesky moss."
That was something Squall knew he could do, at least. Their work was quiet and his mind was peaceful, yet usually in times like these his mind could be far from it. The inner turmoil, and his shadow, seemed to have dissipated for now. Scrubbing away at the stone and digging the ingrained moss out from the cracks in the stone should have been boring for him, but he was actually finding it very therapeutic. Matron was smiling as she applied the moss killer, something he didn't really think warranted a smile, but it was nice to see from her anyway. Squall found himself smiling, also.
"Yo. Brought the timber. When do you think you'll be done with – "
Squall's heart leapt into his throat and he froze in place. All he could hear was the sound of his heart thudding in his chest in an attempt to tell him something was very very wrong about what just happened and he should be cautious.
"Thanks love," Matron commented and pushed herself up from the floor. "We're nearly done with the moss."
It took a little while for Squall to realise what was actually happening, and by the truncated sentence from the other man in the room, he was just as dumbfounded. The brunette wound up from his squat and, even though he knew exactly who the other man was, he just had to see it for himself.
"Puberty boy! Long time, no see."
Seifer, in all of his glory with the same old smirk firmly planted on his face, was standing three metres away from him.
Squall narrowed his eyes in what seemed like habitual behaviour and saw that Seifer was still stunned to see him, but was trying to hide it under that cocky smile.
Squall felt like he should say something in retaliation, but he couldn't even think of what to say. He was still taking it all in; the rush of thoughts and feelings was still coursing heavily through him. This was new. Normally he would be so quick to react to Seifer's bullshit, but this time he was more wary. Maybe it was time. Maybe it was maturity. Maybe he just no longer cared for their rivalry.
An awkward silence descended as the three stood there. Squall eyed Seifer in curiosity. Time had been kind to him, like he had softened around the edges. Squall knew not to trust so easily though, especially when they had a track record like Seifer did. Looking into the familiar green eyes should have filled him with the same animosity as before, and even though he knew he hated the other man, that wasn't the first thing on his mind. As his curiousity about Seifer grew, Matron huffed and broke the awkward moment.
"Well, I think it's time for a coffee break."
"I'll boil the kettle." Seifer turned and left the room, probably feeling the tenseness of the situation.
Matron was about to follow when Squall gently pulled her back. "Why didn't you tell me he was going to be here?!" He whispered, his eyes wide. "You know exactly how I feel about what he did."
"I just thought it would be nice to reunite you two. You know, so you can get over what happened a long time ago. It's been a long time coming, to be honest." Matron pouted, her eyes not giving much away.
Squall let go of Edea's arm and ran his hand through his hair. "I can't believe this. How do you know he's changed?"
Edea scowled and her eyes flashed in anger. "Get over yourself Squall. Sure, he made a mistake. That mistake cost a lot of lives. Don't you think that you may not be the only one who still suffers from what happened back then?"
Squall swiftly silenced his retort.
"Now we are going to have a nice cup of coffee and you two are going to catch up. Is that clear?"
Squall was quickly reminded that Matron could be rather scary when she scolded someone, and Squall guessed he deserved it.
The brunette nodded in defeat and traipsed behind Matron, his heavy heart reluctant to go through what he was just about to. The surge of emotion was bringing everything he wanted to leave behind to the surface. Anger, bitterness, regret, guilt. And these feelings were steadily rising. He was used to quietly seething, though, so he would have to just put up with it.
Squall sat at the table with Edea next to him while Seifer fixed the coffee. His rage was also brewing and bubbling away within him. He felt like an animal that had been cornered and his respect for Matron was dropping. He couldn't believe he was caught in this predicament, when he'd worked so hard on avoiding it. While he was sympathetic, Seifer had not yet given any indication that he was remorseful.
Seifer placed the three cups on the table and sat down lazily in his chair across from Squall. The way he sat – with his arm draped over the back of the chair and his legs crossed in his usual way only served to aggravate Squall.
Minutes passed as they drank their coffee in silence. Squall was doing very well, he thought. Murderous thoughts hadn't entered his head and his meditation was helping somewhat. Squall inspected Seifer for a time out of the corner of his eye. He had not changed much; even his hairstyle was the same old. The scar Squall had given him had not decreased in intensity. It still looked angry and red and the more the brunette looked at it the more intense the feelings within him became. He knew he had a mirroring scar from him, also. As much as he hated it, they had something in common. He always retaliated even though he wanted not to care, right from the beginning. Then Seifer's light blue-green eyes locked onto Squall's, sending chills to his core.
"So…" Seifer was the first to break the silence. "How've you been, Squally boy?"
And that was when all resolve within Squall snapped. Launching himself from his chair, Squall whirled around and strode out of the room, yelling "like you give a fuck!" on his way out.
"Hmm, that went well." Seifer murmured and chuckled to himself.
Edea sighed and shook her shoulders. "Some things don't change. Just a warning for future encounters – don't ask him how he is."
Squall was beyond pissed. His holiday had been ruined by the last person he had wanted to see on the planet and he was the same smug bastard he had always been. How did Edea expect him to change if his antagonist refused to?
Before Squall knew it he was standing in the midst of the flowery fields. The same place he made his promise to Rinoa. He sat within the green tendrils and breathed deeply. The fragrant perfumes from the blossoms soothed him somewhat, but he was still reeling from what had just happened. He couldn't believe it. Edea had tried to reunite them. After everything they had gone through. He did still have to remind himself that Seifer had been possessed for the majority of the time but he still couldn't let his stupidity go.
Sure, he made a mistake. That mistake cost a lot of lives. Don't you think that you may not be the only one who still suffers from what happened back then?
Maybe if Seifer gave an indication that he was suffering, only then would he feel like forgiving him, but he hadn't seen that yet.
Yeah, everybody made mistakes back then. Even Squall had. He was not a perfect person, but he never claimed to be. What was it about Seifer that made him want to show that proud persona, if he were in fact a defective person? He had never understood Seifer's motives and he guessed he still didn't. Like why Seifer always goaded him into battle and fighting back, why he relentlessly mocked and made fun of him. Then again, there were the rare times where he showed they were on equal footing. He had never fitted the SeeD niche though, and perhaps he didn't want to. He seemed hell bent against becoming one, anyway.
Squall laid back into the flora and breathed deeply. Why he had become so emotional after seeing Seifer for the first time in 5 years baffled him. He couldn't not care, as much as he tried. He should have let go of this baggage by now, but even just five minutes with Seifer had ripped the wounds wide open again. Everything was coming out now but he just wanted it to stop.
Squall had thought about leaving on the Ragnarok once he had finished agonising over the whole affair, but he knew he had left his things in the house. Cursing at himself, he chose to wait until after dark, hoping Seifer would have left by now. He felt slightly guilty that he had left a lot of work for Matron to do, but he remembered that this had been a ploy to reunite the two so his guilt was subdued. Creeping up to the house, he saw that the light in the living area was still on, so he hoped with everything he had that Edea was still up. Then again he would have to face her so he didn't think he fared too much better. Squall swallowed and crept softly to the door, opening it and purposefully not looking towards the couches in the corner.
"Squall. Sit."
Squall wished, at this moment, the floor would open up and swallow him whole. But he was not that fortunate. Turning to face Seifer, he regarded him coolly, a lot calmer than he had been earlier.
"What do you want?" Squall muttered, trying to remain neutral.
Seifer laughed softly. "To talk. So sit."
Squall huffed with irritation. "That's all people seem to want to do with me lately. Too bad that I don't care to talk to anyone, including you."
As he made his way through the room, Seifer spoke out in a way that stopped him in his tracks.
"For fuck's sake, Squall, just sit down and hear me out." Seifer remarked and didn't move from his spot.
Fury rose within Squall and he strode towards Seifer until he was in front of him. "You don't get to order me to do anything! You're a hopeless sack of remorseless shit and I don't want to fucking talk to you, got it?!"
The blonde smirked and cocked his head. "But you are talking to me. Calm down and sit down."
Squall swore he could have punched Seifer in his mug but quickly summoned the willpower to resist the urge. He found himself sitting, instead.
"First, I'm not remorseless. Maybe if you'd turned up to all the hearings you would have seen the reason why they only exiled me and didn't just decide to execute me." Seifer saw that Squall was not about to interject, so he continued. "Second, I've done my time. I've paid for my sins in more ways than you can imagine, so cut me some slack, will ya?"
Squall could feel his anger cooling as Seifer spoke. As much as he wanted to believe it was heartfelt, a great portion of him stubbornly rejected Seifer's claims. "So, you think that's going to make it all okay?"
"No, I-"
"-Save it for someone more gullible. You think, after everything you put me through, you can sit me down and have a nice little chat and think, 'yeah, that should do it' and think that everything will be good and happy again?"
Squall leant back in the couch across from Seifer and eyed him. He seemed to be genuine, but what he was saying did little to repair the damage.
Squall continued. "While we sit here, Rinoa is in stasis at the memorial. She took on that burden because of what you helped initiate. She sacrificed everything for you. While everyone else seems to be happy, the world is still in turmoil. A cold war is raging, and people are still working on making the world peaceful again."
Seifer smirked and sat up, his elbows on his knees. "Ever the commander. I can see you haven't lost your touch. You don't have to forgive me, and I guess I do still have to pay for what I did. But don't think I didn't make my own sacrifices."
Lethargy was seeping through Squall as the conversation progressed and it was all becoming too much. "Look. I don't think things will ever be peachy between us, but just stay out of my way in the future." And with that, Squall continued to do what he had initially intended. He went to bed.
Seifer chuckled to himself once Squall was out of earshot and made his way to the other spare bedroom. It was going to be another interesting day tomorrow.
