As I entered the 16th prencint after a very long day at school, all eyes turned and welcomed me with warm smiles.
"Hey, Twinkle Toes!" Fin greeted me, holding out his hand in a fist.
I bumped it with my own, "Still hate that nickname."
"Still don't care." He smirked before going back to his paper work.
"Where's my sister?" I asked as I threw my backpack next to my sisters desk.
"Liv's office." Fin replied.
I groaned, when Amanda was in Liv's office it could take at least an hour, and without knowing when she had actually went in, I haven't the faintest idea when she would come out. "What am I supposed to do then? She's my entertainment."
"You could do your homework." Carisi offered.
We exchanged a quick glance before sharing a laugh.
"Right!" I rolled my eyes, "As if."
"Or, we could go out and get something to eat? It's my lunch break." He said.
"That," I sat up quickly, "sounds amazing."
Carisi sat up off his spinny chair and grabbed his coat, sliding it on as he walked. "Well come on, we don't have all day."
I caught up to Carisi, and we walked side by side.
Carisi and I were very close. Even thought he was still kinda the new guy, we connected in a way I hadn't with the rest of the squad. Especially after Nick left. Nick and me were also very close, and I was pretty heart broken when he left. He was the one I confided in about pretty much everything. Including my self harm, which even Carisi had no idea about. Before Nick left, he left me a letter, but even now I still didn't have the heart to read it.
"How was school?" Carisi asked whilst we both got into the squad car.
"School is school." I mumbled quietly.
I had no intention of actually telling my sisters co-worker what actually happened at school that day. I still hadn't told Carisi about how bad the bullying was getting. But something in Carisi already knew. He always did.
"Right. Those girls leaving you alone yet?" He gave me a short look before looking back at the road.
"I don't wanna talk about it." I mumbled, pulling down my sleeves as reflex.
"I know you don't. But you should." Carisi said.
I sighed. "I know, I just wish Nick was here. He always...Always had time for me. Always listened to me, even when Amanda wouldn't."
"Well, I'm here." Carisi offered, "And I'm listening."
"It's the same, Carisi. I'm alright." I gave him my signature, "Shut up and stop talking because I'll start crying" smile and he left at it at that.
Later in the night, when me and Amanda got home, we both got changed and went our seperate ways. Amanda, to the television, and me to my room.
I sat on my bed, staring at the letter signed with Nick's name. I took a heavy breath and let it out slowly. I still couldn't figure out if I should read it or not, but something inside me compelled my hands to rip the paper, and the contents would make me question everything from when the day they met.
Annie, I know this is hard. In fact, it's probably even harder for me. These three years, I've felt that we have a bond that can never be broken. You're like another daughter to me, and I can't stand to leave you. Truth is, I have no choice. Your sister and I were dating. I know you probably never knew that, we kept it a secret because we didn't want to hurt you. But something tells me when you read this letter, it'll hurt you even more. It's not just about my children in California, but because IAB found out about the two of us, and after the incident it wasn't worth fighting anymore. I had to resign. It took some major contemplating, whether to leave or to not. I never wanted to hurt you, or your sister. But I know I did. I know you're still in pain. I want you to know I love you, and if you ever need me you better me call me. I want to hear from you, and how you're doing. I want to hear about your life, what's going on. I know I left you in such a fragile state, and I hope this doesn't break you. The pain I have caused was never intended. Your sister and I decided it was for the better, as I needed to spend time with my children just as much as I needed a break from this city. I hope to visit soon, and come see you and Amanda. But I need you to promise me something, to never cut again. Never hurt yourself the way you have been. You're beautiful, and I don't want you to scar yourself. Let these scars be battle wounds, don't allow them to be the ongoing war. I promise it will get better. You can talk to your sister, Olivia, Fin, even the new guy, Carisi. He seems nice enough, right? I love you Annie, don't hate me.
Sincerely,
Your big brother, Nick.
At first, I didn't notice the tears streaming down my face. I covered my mouth and let out a sob. He was dating Amanda and I never knew about it? Why would they hide that from me! Why would he leave just because of that?
I ripped the letters into shreds and threw it into the air, covering my face with my hands. He left me, and he hasn't even come back. It's been a year since i've last spoken to him. He never bothered to call me. G-d I wish I could just pick up the phone and dial his number. I wish I could spill my guts to him, and tell him everything. But even more than that, I wish I could curl up in his arms like I used to, and sob into his chest. I wish he would bandage my cuts like he used to, kiss each scar and still tell me I was important and that I should stop doing this to myself. That he was worried about me, that he cared about me just as much as my sister, and he would never leave me. But he did.
And I don't why, but I texted him that night.
And I don't know why, but he replied.
"I need you. Please. Please come back, Nick. It's just so much worst and I don't know how to stop it."
"Annie, what happened?"
