A/N: Huge thank you to TheEagerScribbler for beta reading this chapter!
August 14th, 2010
Rachel and Emily weren't the only couple still treading on eggshells with each other. Although I didn't like comparing my own friendships to that mess, Joselyn and I had never recovered from that day she had accused me of becoming distant from Embry.
I wasn't mad at her, and neither one of us had brought it up since, but that felt like part of the problem. There was something strange between us that had never been there before, and it made me worry more than I ever had about how long our friendship could last.
At the same time, I felt desperate to make it last as long as possible, which was why I was determined to visit Joselyn in Port Angeles no matter how difficult it was for us to coordinate our schedules.
It was harder to disguise my lack of a car when I had to park in Joselyn's apartment complex's lot, which meant I had to drive instead of run. What had felt like a typical day's journey during my college days now felt like a hassle. I spent the drive tapping my fingers against the wheel, wanting nothing more than to already be there.
Yet, when I arrived, I felt anxious about knocking on the door.
It had been far too long since I had seen Joselyn in person. That was only made worse by the knowledge that she and Embry still saw each other every weekday. (Not that I was bitter about it.) Texting wasn't the same. Seeing each other face to face was nerve-wracking in comparison.
There wasn't long to wait after working myself up to knock. Joselyn tugged the door open, all smiles as she ushered me inside. The door hadn't fallen shut before her arms were around me.
"It's so good to see you," she mumbled into my shoulder.
"Good to see you too," I responded, my words muffled by Joselyn's shirt.
We pulled apart, and I felt a twinge of regret that was strange. Hugs and the like felt foreign to me. I avoided them at all costs, so the idea that I regretted pulling away from Joselyn was new. Especially when we had never been a touchy feely pair of friends.
"Come in, come in," she urged, leading me further into the apartment.
The place was well-lived in. That was obvious from the way clutter filled every surface, whether it was in the kitchen or the living room. I felt another wave of regret. This time it was over the lack of visits I'd had to this place. It was obvious from a quick glance how comfortable and settled in Joselyn was here, but I'd only been to my best friend's home twice before.
That left me feeling like an alien in the space, a feeling that I didn't just dislike but abhorred. It did nothing to quench my fears of us growing apart.
"What do you think?" Joselyn asked, all smiles. I thought of that phone call months ago where we had gotten into our only argument to date. While that had been the only time I had heard Joselyn angry, those words had been turning themselves over in my mind since. It hadn't mattered how many subsequent times I had talked to Joselyn on the phone.
Now that she was in front of me and I could see the usual bright demeanor along with the words, my old vision of Joselyn was beginning to return. Finally, I could view her as the cheerful yet often snarky girl that I knew and loved.
That quenched a fraction of my fears. Joselyn wasn't the type to dump friends, but then again, it wasn't a fear of being dumped that weighed on my conscious per se.
No, it was a fear of growing apart, and that seemed as likely with Joselyn as it did with anyone else. Growing apart happened despite anyone's intentions. Nothing about Joselyn's friendly personality would be able to prevent it if it was what was meant to happen.
The clattering of silverware against the counter surface startled me out of my thoughts. I glanced over at Joselyn, who was standing in the kitchen that was little more than counter space attached to the living room. She was fixing two mugs of what I would assume was coffee despite it being the afternoon.
I wondered how long I had zoned out and if I'd had that frown on my face that always seemed to alert those that paid attention—and Joselyn was one of few people who paid attention—that I was thinking less than pleasant thoughts.
I struggled to put a smile on my face before Joselyn turned back around with both mugs in hand. It must have worked because she didn't act like anything was off as she handed me my coffee and urged me to take a seat on the couch.
"How are things?" she asked.
Joselyn was the only person I knew who could ask that question and sound like she wanted to hear the answer.
"Fine," I responded. The brevity of the answer didn't make it less true. "Nothing new. Just more of the same every day. It's not bad. It's familiar, and for the most part, I like it. But my life's not interesting."
I always felt pathetic when I said that. It made me feel like more of an adult, especially when I talked to Joselyn or Embry.
It was weird if I stopped to think about it. Joselyn went to classes each day, and despite an alternating schedule during the week, it wasn't, in theory, that different from my workday. They sat there in class and learned.
My own workday shouldn't have felt pathetic in comparison, but I couldn't shake the embarrassment that came from my daily life being different from Joselyn's. So different from what mine had been when we met.
I'd become a boring adult while Joselyn was still in the middle of what was supposed to be a fun, carefree time of life. I didn't want to reveal how much we were on different wavelengths.
"I get it," Joselyn said. "I feel the same way about my job."
There was no reason why Joselyn's attempt to empathize with me should have irked me, but it did. It felt like a fake and shallow attempt at maintaining familiarity.
Joselyn may have had a job, but it was a part time one. She was a student above anything else. I doubted that she would have challenged that distinction, which was why I didn't understand why her drawing a parallel between her job and mine pissed me off.
I just knew that it did, and I kind of hated myself for it.
I tried to smile at Joselyn, but it came out looking wrong judging by the uneasy look on Joselyn's face. Feeling self-conscious, I let the smile slip from my lips.
"How's school?" I asked in a terrible attempt at changing the subject and getting back to a safer topic. Not that I could discuss college without feeling the same conflicting emotions that had arisen while discussing work.
"Same as always," Joselyn replied. It was as if she knew that she should avoid talking about it. I didn't like that either, although I knew that I was sinking into the terrible habit of being unsatisfied by everything.
"Leah, what's up with you?" Joselyn asked instead of saying anything more about school.
I turned my body away from her, not wanting to have this conversation, but I knew that it was impossible to avoid it forever. That hadn't worked over the phone, and it wouldn't work when Joselyn could see every emotion on my face.
"I just-" I stopped, struggling to figure out what it was that I wanted to say. "It's more of what I said that day over the phone," I admitted.
"You're worried that things will become strange between us," Joselyn clarified.
Instead of responding verbally, I nodded. That was easier. Easier than trying to describe the feelings that I knew were irrational.
Joselyn sighed and scooted closer to me on the couch, placing a hand on my shoulder. I flinched away for a second before getting myself under control and relaxing.
"Leah," Joselyn said softly, "you shouldn't be worried about that. We're fine. Look at us now."
"Is that the best reassurance?"
Joselyn sighed again, flopping back against the couch.
"I guess not, but I think our friendship should be enough of a reassurance. We've been best friends for years, Leah. That's not going to change."
"You realize that Emily could have said that exact same thing to me at one point. Look at the two of us now."
"Look." Joselyn's voice was stern enough to make me snap to attention. "I still don't understand what happened between you and Emily. I get the whole thing about how she's married to your former boyfriend, even though I've never gotten the full story on how that happened. But you can't compare our friendship with that one. They're different."
"I know that."
"Do you?" Joselyn asked. "Because, if you did, then I would have thought you'd have more faith in me. It seems kind of ridiculous that you would worry about us growing apart when there's no reason to. Not unless you keep connecting me to Emily in your mind."
"I-I-" I couldn't get any words out. Joselyn's statement had managed to strike a chord with me. "Maybe that's true," I admitted. There were no other excuses or explanations.
Joselyn gave a short nod like she's already ascertained that she had to be correct. "And would it be out of place for me to suggest that you're distancing yourself from Embry for the same reasons?"
My eyes widened as I gaped at Joselyn. "What the hell are you talking about?" I asked, not able to summon up the energy to control the venom in my voice.
"You're connecting Embry to Sam," Joselyn stated as if it were little more than simple fact. "Just like you connected me to Emily. You admitted you had feelings for him, and you allowed yourself to be with him. Now you're screwing it up because you've started panicking again. You're scared our friendship will end like yours and Emily's. You're scared your relationship with Embry will end like your relationship with Sam.
"It took me a long time to put that together, but I get it."
"That's ridiculous," I bit out at her.
"It is," she agreed. "That doesn't make it less true."
"Fuck you," I spat at her.
In some rational part in the back of my mind, I was trying to convince myself to stop, but the rest of my brain wasn't willing to listen. I felt so angry that I couldn't stop to think before I spoke. "I'm not worried about any of that. I'm not delusional. I know that our friendship is different than mine and Emily's ever was, and I sure as hell know that my relationship with Embry is nothing like my relationship with Sam."
"You know it on a rational level, but that doesn't mean that's not where your fear is coming from."
I stood up, feeling the blood rush to my head. Joselyn remained seated, trying to appear calm although I could see how this argument was affecting her in her eyes.
"Stop psychoanalyzing me," I demanded.
"That's not what I'm doing."
"Then what the hell would you call it?"
Joselyn repositioned herself on the couch before answering. "I'm observing my best friend, and I'm making conclusions like this because I know you, Leah. I've figured out how your mind works."
"And you've come to the conclusion that I'm some paranoid freak?"
Joselyn's lack of an immediate response said everything that needed to be said. I let out a growl of frustration and began making my way towards the door.
"Leah," Joselyn called from behind me, standing up from the couch. "That's not what I was saying, Leah."
I twirled back around when I was less than a foot from the door, glaring at Joselyn. Never before had I been thankful for the extra height I had been afforded in comparison to her.
"Then what could you have possibly meant?"
She struggled to come up with an answer. When she did talk, it was to say, "I'm trying to help."
I snorted, crossing my arms against my chest. "This is a shit way to show it then. I'm not crazy or something."
"That's not what I said," Joselyn insisted, sounding more offended than she had during any of the previous moments of our arguing.
"It's what it sounded like," I responded. There was a nagging worry in the back of my mind that I was beginning to sound like a petulant five-year-old, but the roar of anger in my ears was enough to prevent me from focusing too much on that worry. "Everything is fine with me," I continued. "I'm not some fragile doll about to break."
"I'm not the one treating you like a china doll, Leah. You're treating yourself like that."
I couldn't take this anymore. Not if I wanted to prevent myself from doing something I would deeply regret. Memories of Emily's scars flashed through my mind like they always did whenever I got this angry around someone. A constant reminder of why I couldn't have this fight with Joselyn. No matter how much I wanted to continue this, to get my point across until she understood, it wasn't worth hurting her or, God forbid, killing her.
"Fuck you," I growled one last time. I spun around towards the door, not listening this time as Joselyn continued to call my name.
By the time I made it to the parking lot of Joselyn's apartment building, I knew that I couldn't get in my car. My entire body was vibrating. It had been years since I'd come this close to phasing through anger alone.
I kept going past my car and out of the parking lot, not caring if Joselyn was looking out a window and saw me. I could deal with whatever suspicions she had built up later. Right now I had to get out of sight.
I was used to having the woods around for shelter during moments like these. When I'd been coming to school in Port Angeles, I had never had a moment where I had floundered for somewhere to conceal myself.
The situation was beginning to feel hopeless. I was angry and frustrated, and I couldn't make those emotions go away. I couldn't make the vibrating go away, and there was no place for me to take refuge.
Running down the street just slow enough to seem human, I found a park. Nothing noteworthy, but it was the best I'd been able to find so far. Some children still played on the playground in the evening light, but there was a stretch of space not taken up by families that was scattered with picnic tables. I took a seat at one, burying my face in my arms and trying to block out the sounds of shouting children.
My mind struggled to focus on something else. Anything else. It was difficult, but the vibrating did calm, little by little. I would be able to face the guys knowing that I hadn't phased on accident after years of being a wolf. My pride could remain intact.
I needed that after what Joselyn had said to me.
I needed a lot more than that after what Joselyn had said to me.
Lifting my head up, I watched the children running around. A pale boy who looked about two went tumbling into the mulch, landing on his stomach. The tears were instantaneous. Even I cringed in solidarity with the kid. As I continued to watch, a dark-skinned girl who looked older than the boy came over and helped him up, offering him reassuring comments as she led him over to his father.
He was smiling by the time they made it to where many of the adults sat on the fringes of the playground. His father crouched down in front of him, but the boy was wiping his own tears away by then. He had no time for his father as his eyes kept flickering back towards the girl as if she'd become the coolest person in the world.
He'd recovered easily from an incident that he'd been screaming over less than a minute before. I had forgotten that kids were capable of that. It was impressive. I'd taken longer to calm myself down, but then again, I hadn't had someone around willing to pick me up and tell me it was all right. Maybe that was the difference.
But I knew deep down that it wasn't. I had had such people after everything had happened with Sam and Emily. I'd had my parents and Seth, but none of them had been capable of making it better. That was something children got that we lost the ability to do later in life.
I was jealous. I would admit that much.
I was particularly angry because I knew how right Joselyn had been. That had been difficult to hide from myself when I had been struggling to get my wolf under control.
Years after Sam and Emily had broken my heart, I was still scared. Maybe not in the same way I had been right after it happened, but I kept taking steps thinking that step would be the one that would put me over the finish line. It never was. There were always more steps to take, and I had yet to find the finish line.
Allowing Embry in had felt like the final step, but now it was beginning to feel like I had never let him in at all. I was still guarding some hidden piece of myself away in fear, and the scariest part was that this part of me seemed to be hidden away from me too. It wasn't just Embry who I had been shielding it from.
I didn't want to confront it myself, let alone share it with anyone else.
Burying my face in my arms, I tried again to block out the world.
My relationship with Embry was going to collapse in on itself because I couldn't get my shit together. It was what I had known before we began dating, but I'd managed to lie to myself in the time since.
All along I'd known that when things fell apart, it wouldn't be Embry's fault. It would be mine.
August 29th, 2010
I kept those thoughts close to my chest, becoming better and better at keeping them locked away as the next week and then two passed. They were still in the forefront of my mind, but I learned all over again how to mask my thoughts while phased.
If Embry suspected that something was up, then he was doing an excellent job of hiding it from me.
Joselyn and I hadn't spoken since that day, and for the moment, I was keeping it that way. I couldn't stand the thought of facing her and admitting that she had been right. I was having too hard of a time facing myself with the thoughts. If I was going to mend things with Joselyn, it would only be in the future.
As I walked across La Push, the lazy Sunday morning was as calming as any morning had managed to be for me lately. I tried to let that comfort me, especially when I remembered where I was heading, yet it wasn't as effective as I would have hoped.
I dragged my feet as I approached the familiar worn door. The commotion inside was audible to me before I'd knocked, and even once my knuckles had rapped against the wooden surface, it didn't stop.
Several seconds passed before the door was pulled open. Embry stood in front of me, but my eyes stayed on him for little more than a second before I noticed Jacob pacing the length of the living room behind him.
I pushed passed Embry, brow furrowed as I took in the sight. Jake ran his hands through his hair for what was the millionth time if the state of it was any indication.
He'd been uptight for months due to the Volturi and Bella and Edward's impending move. God knew that Jacob Black was one of the most stressed out people in La Push in the last several months, but this development was new. And I had a feeling that it was something new, not a previous annoyance finally getting the better of him.
"Rebecca's coming to visit," Embry muttered from beside me. His voice was hushed as if speaking any louder would disturb Jake from his pacing. "She called Rachel, and then Rachel called Billy. Billy called Jake, and now here we are."
I nodded although it still felt bizarre. For one thing, it was difficult to believe that Rebecca was coming back for a visit without being begged to. She hadn't stepped foot in La Push since she'd married Solomon and moved to Hawaii. I had thought it would be years before she would do so again, if she did at all.
"To La Push?" I asked, feeling the need to have it clarified for me. "Not, like, Seattle or anything to see Rachel."
I took a seat next to Quil on the couch, and Embry followed suit, settling in on my other side and resting his arm on the back of the couch behind me.
"Not Seattle," Quil confirmed. His eyes remained on Jake. They were wide as if in wonder over how Jacob was taking this news.
"She is stopping there," Embry said, stepping in. "She's spending a week or two with Rachel. Something like that. Jake wasn't coherent when he told us."
"But then she's coming here," Quil said. He turned his eyes away from Jake to look at us, but he continued to look flabbergasted. "Rebecca Black in La Push again. Can you believe it?"
I shook my head. There were no words that I could say. Embry and Quil were as thrown off by the development as I was, and if Jake's continued inability to acknowledge my presence in his living room was any indication, he was even more shocked than we were.
"I can't believe this," Jake said for the first time, managing to surprise me enough that I sucked in a sharp breath of surprise. "Of all the times for her to just up and announce that she's coming. After years of Dad trying to convince her—even Rachel trying to convince her—and she decides to come when we have so much shit going on."
Only then did it hit me that Rebecca was clueless about the wolves and the vampires and...everything. She'd lived in Hawaii for so long and been so far removed from everything happening in La Push. It wasn't that different from Rachel, but Paul had managed to imprint on Rachel the minute she got back and solve that problem. With Rebecca…
Rebecca was married, I reminded myself, and that was as far as I would allow my mind to wander with those possibilities.
"It's not like she knows," Embry said, always the one willing to play devil's advocate and defend whoever needed defending. As if Jacob would seriously become pissed off at Rebecca for something she had no idea she'd done.
"Maybe she would if she'd bothered to come home before," Jake snapped.
I watched him, wondering how much of this was the stress over the Volturi and how much of it was pent up anger that his sister had been gone for years. No wonder I'd walked in on him dissolving into a complete mess. I felt bad that seeing this made me feel better about myself and my problems.
"Maybe," Embry allowed. "But it's just as likely not. Would anyone have told her?"
Jake didn't have a response to that, but he did put a stop to his pacing. It was good timing too as I was starting to feel nauseous watching him go back and forth. He dropped down into a chair with such force that I thought it might break, but the loud creak died down, and all appeared safe.
"Dad's so happy about it," Jake said, anger leaving his voice. Now he sounded nothing more than dejected. "Not that he tried to be obvious about it when we were talking. He tried to talk about how he knew it was terrible timing, but he's excited. I know he is. He was when Rachel came back, and now Rebecca too. Shit. Then there's the Volturi…"
"We know," I said in the closest thing to comfort I could manage. "We get it, Jake."
Jacob looked at me, and there was a moment of silence as no one said anything.
"I need to go," I announced abruptly, unsure of how much longer I could stay in the house. Rebecca's impending arrival felt more stifling the longer I thought about it. I stood, causing all three of them to look at me in confusion over the odd behavior.
"You got here five seconds ago," Quil observed.
"More like five minutes," I muttered to be difficult. Floundering for another excuse, a good reason for why I wasn't staying, I looked around at them, but I couldn't come up with anything. Just as I was about to give up and flee, Embry saved me.
"I'll walk you home," he said, standing up himself.
I watched him for several seconds, feeling tempted to turn him down. My reason for leaving had been an opportunity to clear my head. I wouldn't have that if I let Embry come with me. At the same time, Joselyn's words echoed through my head like they had every day since she'd said them.
Each time I shut Embry out, those words became truer, and I despised that.
So I nodded. "Yeah, yeah, that sounds good."
I didn't look at him as I headed for the door, giving Quil and Jake short goodbyes before I left. Both of them looked less confused than they had when I'd announced my departure, and I hated to think that they got it, that they knew what it was that I was doing. I couldn't look at Embry to see if he did too.
We walked in silence half of the way to my house, but while I'd been determined to keep it, I couldn't stop myself from breaking that silence eventually.
"So, Rebecca's coming back," I said, letting the words trail off in the hopes that Embry would be able to say something for me to respond to. I wasn't sure what I wanted those words to be.
"Yeah," he said with a sigh. There was another long moment of silence, one that caused my hands to twitch as I tried to figure out what to do or say. It felt scarily like the times before Embry and I had been a couple, when I'd been unsure around him. It was a time that I had thought was in the past.
A huge difference was that this time I knew what he was thinking. I knew why he wasn't talking to me, and it scared me more than being clueless would have.
"Rebecca Black, as in the one woman left who would make the ideal imprint," I choked out, getting the obvious out in the open.
There was a pause in Embry's step as he took in what I had said, but he recovered quickly without looking me in the eye. I both hated myself for saying it out loud and felt proud of myself for it.
"Depends on who you think an ideal imprint would be," Embry responded quietly.
There was a temptation to roll my eyes, but I stopped myself. Embry had once admitted that Rebecca's genes made her a strong choice of imprint for anyone who subscribed to the theory that imprinting was based on creating the next generation of wolves.
"I know you don't believe that," I said. "The making new wolves shit. I know that, but you can't lie to me and say that it didn't cross your mind when you found out that Rebecca is coming. You can't say that you didn't, even if it was only for a second, think about the fact that she was a Black and that you're currently the oldest unimprinted wolf except for me. You can't."
"I can't," Embry confirmed. "I did think about that, but it doesn't change anything I told you before. Yes, there's this fear that I could imprint on her." His voice nearly broke, and I knew I was doing a terrible job of hiding how much hearing it made me want to cry. Pinpricks began stabbing at my eyes. "But none of that changes the things I told you about imprinting before, Leah. I still don't think I'll imprint on her. Becca is married, for one thing, and I have to believe that fate wouldn't do that. I can't make myself believe that I'm meant to imprint on Rebecca. Or that any of the wolves are meant to imprint on Rebecca."
There was no response. Nothing left to say. We wouldn't know what would happen until Rebecca got here, and I knew that Embry was telling me the truth.
The logical part of his mind didn't believe he would imprint, but other parts of him did. I wasn't sure what parts of me felt scared, but as the time began ticking towards when Rebecca would arrive, I became increasingly sure that it was all of me.
August 30th, 2010
It took less than twenty-four hours before I realized that I couldn't do it anymore.
The path back to Embry, Quil, and Jake's felt different in the dark. I'd never made that journey before in my current state of mind.
I hadn't taken a jacket of any kind when I had left my house. I was a wolf, after all, and in any case, it was August. Maybe the tail end of August, but nothing had led me to think a jacket would be necessary. I hadn't needed one of those in years.
That was why the chill that began to creep under my skin as I walked was shocking. I found myself wrapping my arms around my abdomen, trying to trap in as much body heat as I could. There was a quickness to my step that wasn't attributable to an eagerness to reach my destination so much as it was from a desire to escape the cold that seemed to follow me the entire way there.
Of course they were all asleep when I arrived. It was the middle of the night. The key I'd been given months ago felt like a heavyweight in my pocket. I almost didn't reach for it. For a moment, my hand was poised to knock before I reconsidered.
The last thing I wanted was to deal with all three of them. I wasn't confident that I could even deal with Embry.
Taking the key from my pocket, I unlocked the door, pushing it back to make as little noise as possible. If any of them woke up, they would be able to detect that it was me, but I would prefer if I didn't have to deal with that.
The floor had creaked since they'd moved in, and I tried my best to judge where the worst spots were as I made my way down the short hallway. Embry's room was on one side of the bathroom that divided the hall, isolating him from Quil and Jake.
I had never been more thankful for that fact.
I couldn't bring myself to knock on his bedroom door and, once again, potentially wake up the entire apartment. Instead, I pushed it aside, faced with the familiar view of an asleep Embry. My heart felt like it was being wrung out as I took him in. Few sights could as effectively strike me as this one.
Taking several steps forward, I was careful to tug the door closed behind me. Embry was a heavy sleeper, and he didn't seem to have been woken up by any of my movements in the apartment so far, which was, admittedly, a trait that was necessary for all three of them to live in this apartment together.
I perched myself on the edge of the bed, careful not to disturb him yet. I gave myself three more seconds of watching him before I leaned over to wake him up.
"Embry," I murmured. It was so much like every other time I had woken him from sleep, but all of those times had felt happier than this. It made me feel guilty that I was doing this, but that sinking need was still making my stomach twist.
It took repeating his name several more times for Embry to begin to stir. I gave him all the time he needed, leaning back as he began to take in his surroundings and realize that I was there. He seemed to have surmised as much before his eyes were open, as they snapped onto me as soon as his eyelids fluttered open.
"Leah?"
Embry rolled over so that he was on his back, rubbing at his eyes as if doing so might help him see that I was little more than a mirage. I watched this, familiar with the process Embry went through upon waking up and the different steps he took to come to his full awareness. When he dropped his hand from his eyes and looked at me again, I could tell that he had assured himself that I was real and that he wasn't still lost in some dream.
"Yeah, sorry," I apologized, not able to forgive myself for waking him up. Especially considering the reason.
"It's fine," he assured me, struggling to push himself onto his elbows while he was still half asleep. "Just...what are you doing here in the middle of the night? Not that it's bad or anything. I don't understand…"
For once, Embry was struggling to put his thoughts into words. My presence had thrown him off enough that he couldn't even question me upon waking up. That knowledge charmed me, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. The first butterflies that weren't an ominous sign of what I needed to tell him. For a split second, I almost decided not to do it and to instead lie down with Embry and tell him to go back to sleep.
But that's not what I did. I couldn't do that. The problem wouldn't go away come morning. I had learned as much in the last twenty-four hours. I had to do this, and I had to do it before I lost my nerve and cuddled into Embry's side.
"We need to talk."
Embry's brow furrowed, but I saw a glimmer of recognition there like he had already put together what it was that I needed to discuss. No doubt he had. It felt like this giant issue hanging between us that neither one of us wanted to reach into and discuss even though we had to.
"In the middle of the night?" Embry asked, a hint of desperation in his voice. He didn't want to do this anymore than I did. Possibly, he wanted it less than I did. He hadn't been the one of traipse across La Push in the middle of the night. "Not in the morning when we're both awake?"
"No," I said. "I need to talk now. If we wait until morning, I'll lose my nerve."
Embry looked at me for a long moment, and I wondered if he was going to argue. He didn't in the end, instead choosing to push himself up to a sitting position and put us on an equal level. His appearance was as disheveled as one would expect it to be when I'd just woken him up from sleep, and it gave him a vulnerable look that he wouldn't have possessed otherwise.
Seeing that made it difficult to say what I needed to say. I had thought that doing this in the night would be easier because I could hide away in the dark if need be, but it turned out that the dark also revealed aspects of others that you didn't see in the daytime. Ones that I would have preferred not to see in that moment.
"What do you have to say?" Embry asked, a note of finality in his voice.
"You know what I have to say," I tried as one last ditch effort to achieve the same effect without having to say the words.
"Leah," Embry began, voice dangerously low. If I held out any longer, I could see that he would lose his patience with me, and I almost welcomed it. His anger would be easier to deal with than his disappointment. "Tell me before the wait becomes too much."
Seeing that Embry was as undone as I was gave me a boost of confidence. It didn't make saying what I had to say more appealing than before, but it did reassure me that I could do it whether it was pleasant or not.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to brace myself for the fallout.
"I can't do this."
There was a moment of silence during which I couldn't take my eyes off of Embry's. I hadn't thought I would be able to look at him after saying it, but as it turned out, his eyes had locked mine into place with their intensity. Not just my eyes either but all of me. All of me had become frozen by Embry with little more than a look.
Eventually, he asked, "Are you saying that you can't say it or is that all that you had to say?"
He knew the answer to that. We both knew that he did. Still, I knew that the question came out of a final wish that he might be wrong, so I humored him by saying, "That's what I have to say. I can't do this anymore."
This time I motioned between us as I said it, leaving little room for interpretation as to what I meant by it. Embry didn't have a noticeable reaction. The sadness in his eyes had already been there, but I did detect a slight shiver that ran down the length of his body as he digested my words.
"You can't do me anymore, in other words."
I cringed at the way it sounded. "That's not what I'm saying, Embry-"
"It is. You didn't say those exact words, but it's what it means, isn't it?"
"Embry," I said, yearning for him to understand where I was coming from, but I had to cut myself off. There were no words coming to mind that could share how I felt. Besides, I was certain that Embry got what I was thinking. He just didn't agree with how I was acting on it, and that wouldn't change no matter how I tried to explain myself. I knew Embry well enough to know that.
Embry laughed, a noise that shocked me. It was strangled and more pathetic sounding than any laugh I had previously heard come out of his mouth. Suddenly, I was reminded that I had wanted to convince him to go outside with me. That had been my genius plan to avoid waking up Jake and Quil and to keep this conversation private. Of course it hadn't worked out that way. I was foolish to think there was a chance of this moment going the way I had planned it.
"I can't believe it," Embry said, laying back down on the bed. He stared up at the ceiling, avoiding looking at me in a way that I knew had to be intentional. "I really can't. I..."
He cut himself off with a sigh, rubbing his hand across his face. A large part of me wanted to lay down next to him and join him in staring up at the ceiling, but it didn't feel right. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was intruding by being in his bedroom.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, voice breaking. "I'm really sorry."
My tears were close to the surface, and I was positive they were going to break through if I didn't get away, yet I also couldn't bring myself to leave. Leaving meant what had happened between us was final. That everything was in the past. And despite being the one to instigate the breakup, I didn't want that.
I wanted Embry.
But I couldn't have him.
Embry looked over at me. The anger that had taken over his face moments earlier had faded into sadness. He looked at me with such concern and care that I was once again tempted to take everything back, but I couldn't let myself do so.
He reached out to take my hand, and I let him, grasping his as if neither one of us would let go.
"I know you are," he whispered. Everything said between us felt more like a secret than it had before. "I know. That's why I'm upset that you're doing it."
"What does that mean?" I asked, swiping at my eyes to try to catch any stray tears. I hated that Embry could be vague even at a time like this. Like he was purposefully making me have to guess at what he was saying in order to keep me there longer.
Maybe he was.
"It means that I'm in love with you, and I know that you're in love with me too."
Every cell in my body burned. We'd never used that word. Neither one of us. I'd thought it once or twice, but each time, I had been quick to shove it to the backburner, convinced that I could sort out my emotions another day. I'd never wanted to deal with it.
I'd wanted to hear it from Embry even less, but I would have been lying if I said there wasn't a feeling of warmth in the pit of my stomach upon hearing it. That didn't mean I was happy about it. I felt pissed, more at the universe and the situation than at Embry. Everything was fucked up. My life was fucked up.
"Leah," Embry continued, sitting up in the bed again in order to make eye contact with me, but I rebuffed him, keeping my eyes on the quilt underneath us. "Please don't do this. I know I can't stop you, but I love you. I want to be with you. Forever. Imprint or no imprint. Okay? Fuck imprinting. It's complete and utter shit. I don't care about it. I want you, and I know you know that. I know you do. Even if you're scared. Please don't let this ruin us."
The pattern on the quilt looked like it was swirling around before my eyes, even in the darkness. I focused on taking deep breaths, but each of them felt shallower than the one before.
"I-I have to go," I choked out.
Pushing off of the bed, I hurried from the room. Embry made no attempts to follow me. No longer caring if Jacob or Quil woke up, I stumbled down the hall and out the front door.
Even the outside felt oppressive as I hurried through the woods. The trees themselves pushed in on me like a cage.
Funnily enough, I wasn't close to phasing this time. On the contrary, there was little that I wanted to do other than crawl into a ball and cry on the forest floor. It was taking all of my energy to continue putting one foot in front of the other in the direction of home. I wasn't sure that I could have managed to phase if I had tried.
Two days later, when I tried for the first time, I realized that I was right.
I couldn't phase.
A/N: I'd be very interested in hearing what everyone thinks about this chapter. Hopefully no one hates me too much. Just remember that the story isn't over yet.
