Everybody has a Ghost
By JuniperHeart
Summary - After dynamic shifts in the world's politics and set 5 years after the battle with Ultimecia, Squall reflects on his loves and losses and what he truly needs to live again. The challenge is in doing something about it.
Warnings - Contains homosexual relationships, sexual situations, angst, sappiness on occasion, and may contain swearing. Oh and no Rinoa-bashing.
Pairings - Squall/Rinoa (reminiscent), Squall/Seifer
A/N - It has been a long and busy few weeks since I last posted, so I apologise for the lack of update! Thank you so much for reading, and if you could review and give feedback I would greatly appreciate it. This chapter is inspired by 'Here We Are' by Silversun Pickups. Enjoy :)
Chapter Eight – Here We Are
Here we are, underneath a million leaves
In shadows of compromising scenes
When I was young I dreamed this would be steamier
But I've got one chance to move you
One chance to move you
So here we are
Squall awoke with a pounding head and faint nausea, but he felt that he was pretty lucky considering he had been drunk enough to have a blank memory past a certain point. He knew that Seifer had somehow incorporated himself into Squall's drinking session, but the last thing he remembered was talking with Seifer in the secret area. He certainly didn't remember getting back to his rooms but he figured Seifer was at least gentlemanly enough to bring him back when he could no longer hold himself upright. Reaching for the glass of water that usually sat beside his bed, he drank deeply, in an attempt to rid himself of the headache and discomfort in his stomach. After groaning and tossing about in his bed for ten minutes he decided to make the day a productive one. He showered and dressed in his usual attire but eyed the familiar bomber jacket which was hung up in his closet. Clothing from a bittersweet time. He pulled the jacket over his lean frame and felt it was baggier than he remembered but was comforted by it. It did look odd, he decided. Instead of wearing his old jacket, he decided to wear his griever necklace. He would be getting griever back tomorrow, so it was kind of fitting. His gut growled again and he willed the discomfort away only to realise something rather astounding.
He was starving.
He remembered this sensation, but had not really felt it in the last few years. He had only really eaten to keep him on the edge of sanity and passable health. Now all he felt like doing was stuffing his face with eggs and bacon. As if spurred on by this remarkably nostalgic sensation, he rushed down to the cafeteria to follow up on what his body seemed to want more than anything. The usual crowds of students eyed him curiously as he passed by them in the halls, but this time he knew it was for a different reason; he had a renewed vigour that must have been fairly obvious. Even the woman who served the students in the cafeteria was looking at him like hell had frozen over when he asked for two helpings of scrambled eggs, numerous rashers of bacon and four slices of toast. He rarely came here, and when he did it was for a piece of fruit or for some raw eggs. Carrying his tray over to a table in the corner of the cafeteria, he wasted no time digging into his breakfast. The meal was filling a hole that had been pushed to the back of his mind and forgotten over time. For the first time in two years he was feeling the satisfaction of filling his stomach.
"Oi, Squall!" Zell belted out, flinging Squall out of his reverie, and carried his tray of hotdogs to Squall's table. The brunette didn't even feel particularly annoyed; he was too wrapped up in his food.
After watching Squall eat with gusto for a few moments in stunned silence, Zell ate his hot dogs more tentatively than usual.
"You're going to eat all that?" He asked, between mouthfuls.
Squall looked up from his food and raised his arched eyebrow at the blonde in front of him. "Yes, I plan to. Why?"
Zell snapped out of his wonderment. "Oh! Ahh, I'm not complaining. I think it's great."
Squall knew he was trying to figure it out - what had changed in order for the anorexic commander to nearly inhale his breakfast of champions. To be fair, Squall had no idea either. It was like someone had vacuumed away the shadows that weighed down his mind and replaced it with a gust of fresh air. His headache had ebbed and he was left with clearness in his consciousness that he didn't think he remembered having ever before. It was highly likely that he had been so far gone for so long that he couldn't remember feeling this free.
Zell picked up speed with his hot dogs, reassured that Squall was okay, albeit quite out of character. Squall was feeling an odd sense of ease he was not used to, and it may have been due to Zell's obvious concern. He decided it was rather comforting knowing your friends cared about your condition, when you were ready to accept that sort of attention. Today he was in a considerably tolerant mood.
"You know, it's good that you're eating well. We were all pretty worried…" Zell continued, smiling broadly.
Squall felt the corners of his mouth turn up, a more common occurrence now than ever before. "I know. And I'm sorry for worrying you. I was trying to avoid dragging you into it too."
Zell was even more stunned at the confession, if it were even possible. "We're your friends. You can't just expect us to leave you to it."
Squall looked away and ran his fingers through his shaggy hair. "I shouldn't have put you through it. It was just my… selfishness. I kept it to myself, but didn't realise that it was obvious to everyone."
The blonde smirked and packed away the last two hotdogs in succession. "I think you underestimate how well we know you, Squall, and to what lengths we will go to help you."
"Thank you, Zell." Squall eyed him sheepishly, feeling slightly embarrassed despite himself. "I honestly don't know where I would be without you or Quisty. Probably-"
"-Don't say it. You're still here." Zell grinned widely, eyeing his wristwatch, and groaned as if gravely wounded. "Great. Time to meet up with everyone's favourite lapdog to discuss classes. I've been trying my best to tell myself to be civil to the bastard, but I make no promises. I hope he hasn't been giving you too much grief. I heard you got into a fight the day he got back."
So now it was apparently common knowledge. Of course it was; Garden was a small place and gossip travelled fast.
"He was being an insufferable bastard so… you know what happens when we clash. It was going to happen sooner or later."
Zell smirked and leapt up from his chair, taking his and Squall's trays into his arms. "I hope you fucking hurt him."
Squall's following sinister grin was enough of an answer for Zell.
Quistis was ready to talk when Squall entered his office. He pressed the receive button and lounged in his chair, waiting for her face to appear on screen. The screen flickered to life and Quistis smiled broadly.
"Good morning Squall. Nothing much to report this morning, just need confirmation that the students are on their way." She pushed a lock of blonde hair behind her ear. When had she started wearing her hair down?
Squall sat up straight in his chair to stretch out the kinks in his back. "They left half an hour ago, so should be arriving at approximately 1130 hours."
"Good. That should give Odine plenty of time to set up. Is the group for tomorrow ready? I assume you and the others will be travelling with the class?"
Squall nodded. "Yes. We will get the students sorted and then once they retrieve their GFs we can proceed to the sorceress' memorial."
Quistis let the conversation drift into silence for a few moments and narrowed her eyes sceptically. "Did… something happen?"
Squall returned her sceptical look and tried to read between the lines. "No…? Not that I recall."
Quistis pursed her lips. "I just get a different vibe from you today. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Out of curiosity… do you think Seifer will be coming to Esthar tomorrow also?"
"I don't know," Squall huffed, "I think we talked about him going, but I don't think he was decided on it."
"Wait, you talked to him?" Quistis perked up, interested in this new piece of information.
Squall smirked. The little things, huh? "I am capable of conversation. It's not too important."
"Well, I think it's important. Any sign that you're doing something other than fighting is music to my ears." Quistis began to chew on the end of her pen with a smile.
Squall swivelled around in his chair, not interested in her sudden boost in mood. "It's not interesting. He has been following me around like a lost puppy and it's been driving me insane." That wasn't exactly true. He didn't feel too bothered by it, now that he thought about it.
"He's trying to make amends, you know."
Squall turned to face Quistis again. "I know. Now, is there anything else you wanted to talk about?"
"That's all. See you tomorrow!" The blonde waved on the screen, her blue eyes showing happiness on a level that Squall hadn't seen in a long time, before they disappeared. Maybe it did mean a lot to her that Squall and Seifer were getting along.
Were they getting along? In a sense, Squall mused. Seifer was trying to force it, but some things could not be forced. And then there was that confusing incident that kept replaying in Squall's mind, seemingly unable to be removed. Maybe they could get along in time; after they had discarded all their baggage. And when Squall felt he was ready to forgive him.
The growing pile of paperwork to Squall's right alerted to the fact that he was rather behind. So, in order to distract himself from thoughts that could become maddening, he begrudgingly got back to work.
On the second floor of Garden, Seifer was trying to get used to the fact that he now had an office. Situated to the left of the classrooms, and annoyingly near to Zell's own office, the space felt too spacious and confining at the same time. He wasn't expecting something like this, as his role was strictly physical, but considered that it might be ideal for escaping particular people or getting up to mischief in. Seifer ran his fingers over the laminated surface of the desk and laughed a little to himself. Four years ago, this would be the last place he would have expected to turn up in.
Garden.
The place he loved and hated at the same time. He had never enjoyed being bound by rules or kept confined in places and every now and then he would act out because of it. It was a form of claustrophobia, but it was seen, by higher authorities, that he was a delinquent in need of reform. Garden didn't fit his style, but in the end it was his home. Being an orphan, he could have ended up far worse, but he didn't really realise what an opportunity he had been given. When you were going through the agonising teenaged years, it was easy to take things for granted. Rai and Fu kept him sane and on a loose leash, but in the end, that wasn't enough. He escaped when a seemingly better opportunity presented itself and nearly destroyed the place he had been brought up in. He had nearly destroyed the people he had grown up with.
Everyone else seemed to have moved on from that point in time. Squall's lackeys certainly had. Rai and Fu were in fisherman's horizon, living it up. Squall… well… he didn't seem to be able to let it go. But he had to be the ever dutiful commander, taking all the responsibility upon his shoulders. No wonder it had weighed him down.
If only Seifer could break into his mind and figure him out. Last night had been a royal mind-fuck, to say the least. Around Squall, he wasn't himself. Something was compelling him to seek Squall out and try to help him get through the shit that he knew so well. His attraction to Squall had always been purely physical, but there was another connection pushing its way up into the light. Why was he so obsessed with trying to get Squall to lighten up? To open up? To smile?
A blipping noise erupted from his console, followed by a flashing light. Seifer startled, trying to figure out what it meant, but saw the light was flashing near a button labelled 'receive'. Pressing the button, a familiar face flickered on the holographic image in front of him.
"Seifer! Good to see you in your new office. I was hoping I would catch you here." Quistis quipped.
Seifer raised his eyebrow, trying to get used to this new technology that he not been witness to in exile. "Quistis. To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?"
"Oh, what a typical response." Quistis smiled cheekily. "It's good to see you in your rightful place, at last."
Seifer smirked. He really did like Trepe now that she had softened round the edges. "Keep flattering my ego, why don't you. The office is weird, but I'm looking forward to knocking some sense into these students. Some show promise, but a lot seem pretty useless. Nowhere near good enough, by my standards."
Quistis rolled her eyes dramatically. "Not everyone can be star students like you or Squall. Don't be too hard on them."
"No promises. They learn now, or learn when they're dying on the battlefield." Seifer hardened his face, flashbacks flittering into his mind.
"If it ever comes to that," Quistis commented warily. "Anyway, we're going to be receiving the students in a few hours so I will also be the judge of their progress. You know about tomorrow, right?"
Seifer nodded, gaze drifting off into the distance. "You're releasing Rinoa, right?"
"Right. You are welcome to come, you know."
Seifer doubted this, very much. "By whom? You? What about the others?"
Quistis chuckled. "Screw the others. Rinoa would want you there. I think, secretly, Squall would want you there too."
Seifer laughed, the guffaw a little on the forced side, but quietened as he let her words sink in.
"Seifer-" Quistis started, but paused mid-sentence. "Seifer. What's going on?"
Seifer couldn't bring his gaze to meet the eyes of the woman before him. His secrets were his own, and he knew how perceptive Quistis was. "What do you mean, what's going on? Nothing's going on."
"Oh come off it." An exasperated sigh escaped Quistis' lips. "It's obvious. Squall's been especially conflicted since you came here, and it seems you are too. What is going on? Tell me honestly and I promise it won't go anywhere. I don't want any harm to come to Squall, that's all."
Seifer eyed Quistis, looking for any sign of deception. If he knew Quistis, she was so relentlessly devoted to her code of honour that he didn't think she could betray even him.
"You know Squall and I have always had a… 'thing', right?"
Quistis nodded eagerly.
Seifer sighed, not knowing where to begin. "We both know it was rivalry in the beginning. Over time it continued and intensified and became increasingly passionate. It's very confusing… but in my time of exile I figured it out. I figured out what it was."
A knowing smile was forming on Quistis' face as she listened.
"I don't know how he feels about it, but for me, as soon as we fought the day we came back, it was stronger than ever. Like the five years I'd been gone had done nothing to diminish it. I don't know how to define it, but I definitely feel something."
Quistis was beaming by this point. "You love him."
Laughter bubbled up Seifer's throat at that comment. So Quistis was accepting of this, like she had known it all along. He wasn't surprised. "I wouldn't go that far."
"In any case," Quistis rested her elbows on her desk and peered through the screen, "if you fuck with him I will break your fucking neck. Got it?"
Seifer's left eyebrow curved. "Woah, Quisty. Calm your tits. After all the shit I have done to him, do you think I want to do more?"
"Calm my…?!" Quistis shrieked incredulously but trailed off. "You have a fair point, and I will have to trust you. But go easy on Squall; especially tomorrow. He will be particularly fragile, I think."
"You have nothing to worry about, blondie. Besides, he might not be my way inclined after tomorrow, anyway."
Quistis had to think about that one, but it quickly dawned on her. "Oh Seifer, I honestly think you have nothing to worry about."
"You think?"
"Absolutely. She can't hold a flame to you, no matter what Squall tells himself."
Not again… Squall thought to himself as he gazed out across the training area, towards the central building of Garden. He knew the secret area was a place where Almasy could easily find him, but he didn't realise he would be making a habit of it. He could distinctly feel his presence whenever he was around, be it due to honed instincts or some sort of chemical instinct. This time he wasn't drunk or even thinking of drinking, so he wasn't as receptive of a conversation with the guy. Or was he?
Squall coughed loudly and conspicuously, hoping to alert the man out of his hiding place. After a few moments of silence, he knew that wasn't enough.
"Seifer. I know you're there." Squall said, waiting for the blonde man to step out of the shadows.
He did so, striding up to the railing and leant against it, alongside the brunette. "How do you know?"
"That's for me to know, and for you to never find out." Squall muttered as he hunched over and leant his chin on his arms.
"Huh. What a secretive and recluse man you are… still." Seifer grinned and eyed Squall. It was the first time he had seen him since the incident the evening before and by now it was fairly obvious that Squall had not remembered the most… intimate part. If he were honest, he would have liked to believe that the brunette's receptiveness was innate; like he wanted to be kissed. In reality, however, Seifer knew that underneath Squall's rather quiet exterior (most of the time, anyway), laid a rather turbulent and complex core. Seifer knew he was pushing it, taking these liberties, but Quistis had already warned him to be careful around Squall and that was a warning he was going to try to take seriously. He had, himself, been to the edge of sanity and back again, so he knew how tenuous the barrier was.
Squall was silent as he gazed out over the grounds. The wind had picked up a little, tousling his shaggy hair in and out from his face. His lips were pursed, as if deep in thought.
Seifer let the topic drop and also decided to focus out into the view in front of them. Squall wasn't drinking this time, so he felt a little restricted this time in what he could say. The link they were developing was faint and fragile, but it was there, and he didn't want to ruin what they had.
After a time in silence, Squall stretched up from his perch and leant against the railing to face Seifer. "So, you're coming tomorrow?"
"Mmhmm." Seifer replied, looking up to meet the other man's eyes.
Despite the obvious gauntness, Squall was rather impressive under the dim lights of the balcony area. His soft face from his younger days had faded due to both maturity and weight loss, leaving jagged cheekbones in their wake, but despite this, he still looked the epitome of a commander. A slight and only just obvious flush had inhabited his cheeks, that he didn't think he'd seen since before the whole debacle occurred. His full lips continued to purse, and at that moment, Seifer felt there was nothing he wouldn't give to taste them again.
Mesmerised, Seifer pulled his eyes away. "I decided to go. Maybe see if I can make amends to Rinoa, possibly the crew. It's a long shot but… I feel it's the right time."
Squall snorted and rolled his eyes dramatically. "If you think this whole 'fresh start' shite is going to work on me, you're trying to fool the wrong person. You must have changed pretty drastically within such a short period of time."
Seifer grinned at Squall's expected scepticism. "Didn't you?"
A scowl formed on the brunette's face in response. "Whatever. Anyway, Rinoa will be okay with you. The other guys… don't count on them giving you an easy time."
Seifer wondered if Squall knew what was happening. Things were changing between them gradually as Squall began to open up to him.
"I never expected anyone to, so… I guess I'm happy." Seifer sighed, wistful, with his thoughts becoming encumbered by thoughts of the way things used to be a long time ago. "I mean, even you aren't treating me so much like a piece of shit nowadays."
That comment seemed to hit a rather sensitive nerve which startled Squall. I concerned look washed over his face, but only briefly; only long enough for Seifer to notice. "You are still a piece of shit, but I promised Quistis I would be all zen-like."
"Did you actually?" Seifer was starting to really enjoy their banter.
Squall laughed softly and ran his fingers through his hair. "She wanted me to be nice to you. So it's for her sake, really. I will still beat the crap out of you if you push me."
Seifer stood, agape at what had just happened. For the first time in Hyne-knows-how-long, the ice princess laughed. Sensing Seifer's shock, Squall furrowed his brow and eyed Seifer expectantly. "What's with the look?"
"You laughed. You fucking laughed." The blonde moved a few feet closer to Squall until they were only a foot apart. "When was the last time you did that?"
Squall now was just as astonished with what he had almost missed about himself. The appetite, the smiling, the laughter. Fucking hell.
"I don't remember…" Squall trailed off and looked to his side, feeling a little uncomfortable with the current line of conversation and also Seifer's proximity.
Seifer unconsciously placed his hand on Squall's upper arm, like it felt it belonged there. "I think we've both changed quite a bit."
A flush appeared across Squall's cheeks and he visibly swallowed. His eyes narrowed slowly for a few seconds, but then shot open, as if he had just remembered something very very important.
"You…. You! What did you do?" Squall growled and wrenched his arm from Seifer's grip. "What did you do last night?!"
Seifer wilted, knowing exactly what he was talking about. Finding words to argue his case, however, were not very easy to find.
"Shit. Shit!" Squall cussed and withdrew from the space, turning to leave.
Seifer also cursed under his breath. "Wait, Squall…"
"Wait for fucking what?!" He was inching back towards the exit, but not fleeing entirely.
"Shit…" Seifer swallowed and strode up to the smaller man, holding his lithe body in his arms. His lips instinctively found Squall's and he tasted them, delving in, feeling his body quake with all the things and feelings he had been holding onto for what felt like aeons. Squall struggled at first, his lips crushed, half kissing and half trying to escape. Gradually Squall was exerting less energy trying to get away and more energy in reciprocating whole heartedly. Seifer's fingers entwined into Squall's silken hair and he held him firmly, as though trying to exact as much pleasure out of the crashing mouths and entangling tongues as possible. Squall fervently moving against him felt like it was still a dream; albeit a very vivid and highly arousing one. One quick thrust of the hips against Squall's and he knew that his sense of self control was steadily wearing thin, but it was also then that he knew he wouldn't have to try to hold onto it. Squall, cheeks flushed and lips bruised had hurriedly disconnected, as if broken out of a possessed state. Touching his lips briefly and staring rigidly at the man before him, he paused.
"Squall… I…" Seifer started and reached out again, but it was too late.
Squall had fled the scene and Seifer was left to figure out what exactly was going to happen here on in.
