September 3rd, 2010
My life had consisted of the same routine for a long time, and it was a routine that I had welcomed. Work, pack duties, and Embry. That had taken up the bulk of my time.
Now I had one of those things. Well, technically I had two, but I hadn't been able to phase in the days since I had broken up with Embry. A fact that I hadn't been able to keep from Jacob for long despite my ardent wishes too. I couldn't come up with another believable excuse for why his beta lacked the capabilities of doing what was asked of her.
So I missed the subsequent training sessions, and as I learned through the grapevine, Embry did too.
Whatever had managed to do this, it had caught the entire pack by surprise. By now, everyone knew that neither of us were able to phase, and they were just as aware that something had happened between us that led to a breakup. No one asked me any questions, and I was sure they didn't ask Embry any either. They left us alone even as I was sure they were gossiping about it behind our backs.
I hated it when I bothered to think about it, but I didn't bother with it that much. I had bigger worries, and I couldn't blame anyone for wanting to know what the fuck was going on because I did too.
When I'd first phased, I'd despised it, but somewhere along the way it had become a crucial part of my identity. An identity that now felt unsalvageable as I struggled—and failed—to phase each day. It was a frustrating ritual but one that I couldn't stop myself from doing five times a day. Not until it worked.
"Leah." Seth rapped his knuckles against my doorframe.
"Yeah," I said, signalling that he could push open the door that wasn't latched shut. "What is it?"
"You remember what today is, right?" Seth asked, hesitating in the doorway.
"Of course, I do. The ever elusive Rebecca Black is making her way back to our humble neck of the woods."
"Right," Seth said slowly, trying to assess my current state.
I'd taken this breakup differently than I had taken the breakup with Sam. Then, I'd been prone to tears for months, and my sadness and anger had manifested themselves in any number of ways designed to make sure those around me knew how miserable I was.
This time around, my suffering was subdued. I didn't react in ways that brought attention to myself. Mostly, I was just quiet. Quieter than was normal, and I was finding that freaked people out as effectively as the dramatic coping mechanisms had.
My brother couldn't figure out what the hell he was supposed to do.
"So," Seth continued, lingering in the doorway, "do you want to come with me to the Blacks', or are you staying here?"
I sighed. I'd been asking myself that same question for more than a day. Did I want to see Rebecca? She'd done nothing wrong, and I couldn't blame her mere existence for the breakup with Embry. It would have happened whether she were around or not.
Still, her name had become connected with the event in my mind, and I knew it would be difficult to shake that connection when she was standing in front of me. I'd only broken up with Embry a week ago. I wasn't ready to face a possible imprint yet, even if Rebecca would be clueless as to why I was acting odd.
That had almost been enough to convince me not to go, but…
"I should do something to earn my place as beta considering I haven't been otherwise," I told Seth, getting up from my spot on the bed to make myself look less like a mess before leaving.
"You don't need to earn anything," Seth insisted. His nervousness had left for the first time in his insistence that I push away the negative thoughts. "Not being able to phase isn't your fault, and Jake gets that. He'd also get you not coming, I'm sure."
I shrugged, running my brush through my hair.
"He would, but I want to go. Whether or not Jacob finds me useful as beta isn't the point. I want to feel useful to myself. I don't when I'm laying around here all the time."
"You're not laying around," Seth pointed out. "You go to work every day. You do stuff."
I snorted. "Yeah, sure, but that doesn't feel the same. Besides, I do nothing except go to work and then lay around. I want to do something else to feel useful."
Looking back, I barely managed to catch Seth's shrug as he accepted my answer. "Okay then," he said. "I'll be downstairs when you're ready to go. Rebecca and Rachel left Seattle a while ago. It shouldn't be that long before they're here, if you want to make sure that we're there before they are."
I wasn't sure if I wanted that or not. Really, it didn't matter either way. Both had the same outcome, and when it came down to it, I didn't want to be there at all.
"I'll be down in a few minutes," is what I told Seth, but I took my time. While I typically wouldn't have bothered reapplying makeup and even putting on more than I had worn earlier in the day, I did this time, figuring that I might as well use up the time.
It still hadn't been that long when I appeared in the living room. Seth didn't complain about having to wait like he might have in the past. In fact, he was strangely quiet, something that I knew was a direct result of my recent behavior.
I hated that. I hated knowing that I was making people tread on eggshells around me. For the first time in days, I wanted to have a conversation. Even if it came out of not wanting Seth to begin to feel distant. I had already lost Embry, and suddenly, I was worrying about losing my brother because I was incompetent when it came to relationships.
"How are you and Al?" I asked, needing to say something that would make it feel normal between us. It was the first thing that came to mind, and I also realized as I said it that I hadn't asked in a long time.
Seth was surprised to hear the question coming from me. I hadn't been gunning to hear anyone else's happy relationship stories, and Seth's relationship stories were ridiculously happy. I knew that much. It had made me happy as well once they'd gotten together. I wanted my little brother to be happy almost more than I wanted to be happy myself. I had to remind myself of that as I watched a smile appear on his face in spite of himself.
"We're good," he admitted, but I could tell from his growing smile that they were more than 'good'.
"I'm glad," I assured him, and I was happy to hear that my voice sounded as genuine as I meant to be. "You both deserve it."
Seth nodded. "But you do too," he said, reaching out to nudge my arm. "You know that, right?"
I shrugged, not knowing what else to do. I wouldn't say that I knew that. I wasn't sure if I deserved anything at all, and it wasn't because I felt I was a terrible person who deserved nothing. I just didn't think there was any particular reason I was meant to have something wonderful. I felt...neutral about it. Maybe I would find something good, maybe I wouldn't. I didn't deserve anything either way.
"Leah, I'm serious."
I glanced over at Seth with a frown. "I know you are. Look, Seth, I promise that I will never doubt that you care about me and want the best for me. Can we not talk about this now? I need time before we talk about it. Even in future terms."
Seth looked like he would object for a moment before he gave a short nod. "Yeah, yeah, we can wait, but please let me know when you're ready. I do want to talk to you about it, Leah."
I offered him as bright of a smile as I could, even if it wasn't convincing. "Thank you," I whispered to him. "That means a lot."
And it did. It meant more than anything else that anyone had managed to say to me since it happened. Seth had always been this bright light in my life, whether he was trying to be or not. Seeing him happy made me feel better. I wasn't sure if Seth had been able to see that for himself in the past. As far as I could tell, he was oblivious to how important he was to me.
The Black house came into view. It had been a while since I had been there. With Rachel living in Seattle and Jake living with Embry and Quil, there hadn't been any reason for me to show up here.
That hadn't been something I'd bothered to think about before because it hadn't meant anything, but it made walking into the house to see Rebecca feel that much stranger.
Seth entered before me, greeting everyone happily as he did so. He and Quil had started up an excited conversation almost as soon as Seth was in the door. I turned away from them to look at the only other occupants of the room: Jacob, Billy, Paul...and Embry.
I'd known that he would be here. He and Rebecca had never been friends considering she had left before any of us could consider her younger brother and his friends as more than annoying little kids. But he and Quil had been over at the house on a daily basis, something that had granted them little brother-like status with both Rebecca and Rachel.
I'd known that he would be here to greet her, and it was one of the biggest reasons why I'd been reluctant to come.
For a moment, I didn't realize that I hadn't offered any sort of greeting. Then, Paul snorted and said, "Hi, Clearwater. You coming all the way in?"
Realizing I was still standing in front of the door, I jumped forward. Then I realized that I didn't know where to go, the whole reason I had lingered by the door in the first place, and I froze, looking around the room.
Billy's wheelchair was parked in its usual spot in the living room. Quil had sprawled himself on the floor, and Seth had settled down there as well during their conversation. Paul took the one chair in the room, while Jacob and Embry sat on the couch. The cushion between them was the only free seat in the room unless I wanted to join Seth and Quil on the floor.
Embry kept his eyes on the floor as I hesitated. Seth and Quil continued to talk as if oblivious. But Jake, Paul, and Billy watched to see what I was about to do.
Taking a deep breath, I made my way around the couch and perched myself between Jacob and Embry, not wanting to get comfortable in the seat in case I accidentally scooted closer to Embry.
I didn't need to worry. Embry had pushed himself into the armrest in a way that he had hoped would be discreet, but I was too aware of him not to notice. In fact, the motion seemed to scream at me as I struggled to calm my racing heart and appear like I was fine.
"What's the last you heard from Rebecca and Rachel?" Seth asked, startling me out of my fearful thoughts.
Everyone looked up at Seth, but Jacob was the only one who bothered with an answer.
"They called and said they were around half an hour away, and that was—what?—fifteen minutes ago?"
He looked around the room for agreement or disagreement, but all he got out of it were silent nods from Quil and Billy.
I would have happily been anywhere else in the world in that moment than right there in the Blacks' living room. I would have settled for eating dinner with my precious stepsister or even sitting through dinner on the Cullens' home turf. Anything that didn't involve Embry being close enough to touch yet refusing to glance at me.
"So...about fifteen minutes," Seth confirmed to provide a break from the oppressive silence that was pressing in on the room.
"About fifteen minutes," Jake confirmed.
This led to a period of silence where everyone twiddled their thumbs and tried not to think about how much this sucked. Or maybe that was me and I was projecting my own emotions onto the room. It was difficult to tell when every part of my brain was focused on escape.
It felt like hours later when their car pulled up outside despite the fact that scattered conversation had started up around the room. I remained highly attuned to Embry's continued silence.
Everyone else made their way to the door, but I remained in the same spot, feeling like I might hyperventilate. It wasn't a feeling I was familiar with, and that only caused the feeling of dread to strengthen in the pit of my stomach.
Embry scooted forward in his seat, but he didn't stand up like Jake had on my opposite side. Instead, Embry looked at me for the first time since I'd walked in the door. Unable to help myself, we made eye contact, and the struggle to breathe was forgotten as I saw the fear behind Embry's own eyes. He was terrified, I realized. I'd known that he had some trepidation over the possibility of imprinting on Rebecca, but in that moment I realized that he was panicked. Even if I didn't know if this had come over him in the moment or if he'd been dealing with it for days.
"You okay?" he asked, and I felt my heart stutter knowing that he was concerned about me when he was so affected himself.
"Fine," I whispered, unable to put my real feelings into words. This whole exchange was more of a charade than anything else anyway. We were doing the real communication with our eyes.
I didn't need to ask Embry the same question he had asked me because I'd already gotten my answer, and it was far more truthful than anything that would come out of his mouth.
"We should-" Embry cut himself off, taking what seemed to be a difficult breath. "We should go say hi to them."
I nodded, forcing myself to stand up on wobbling legs. Not looking back at Embry, I followed everyone else out the door that they had left swinging open. Embry's steps sounded behind me, making my shoulders stiffen as I walked.
As I paused at the top of the porch steps, I took in Rebecca embracing her father and then Jacob. Rachel had attached herself to Paul's side as soon as she was out of the car.
There was no Solomon in sight. Rebecca had decided to come back for this visit alone, although I hadn't heard of any particular reason why Solomon wasn't with her. All I knew was that his absence did nothing to quell my worries.
Descending the steps, I worked on controlling my features. Rebecca was my friend. We didn't talk much these days, but we remained close enough to check up with each other occasionally. That was better than most of my former friendships had fared. Combine that with the fact that she would have no way of knowing why I would act off with her, and I knew that a lot was riding on my ability to act normal around her.
"Leah," Rebecca called the second she saw me. She'd only just pulled away from Jacob, making me the first outside of her family that she'd bothered to show any attention to.
"Rebecca, hi."
There was a smile on my face, but it felt tight and unnatural. Rebecca didn't seem to notice, too caught up in her excitement. I was sure that everyone else did, but they knew what had me like this. I knew they did. It didn't take a genius to figure it out, even if Embry had been the one to plant the idea of it in my head in the first place.
Rebecca, in her obliviousness, squeezed me tightly, rocking back and forth. "It's so good to see you," she murmured into my shoulder. She'd always been more physically affectionate than Rachel or me. We'd tolerated it for many years, but I'd become unused to it since she'd left. There were few people in La Push who would have dared hug me like this after everything that had happened.
"I've missed you too," I whispered loudly enough for her to hear. The sentiment was genuine. As one of my childhood best friends, I'd missed Rebecca immensely. Right after she'd left, I'd felt such a hole, and it hadn't helped that it had been close to Rachel's own departure. That's what made my fear of her even more difficult to take. I wanted to enjoy this moment, not feel the terror residing in the pit of my stomach.
The hug couldn't last forever, and as soon as Rebecca let go of me, her eyes snapped onto the person standing behind me. My heart stopped beating, and my lungs stopped taking in air.
"Embry, hi." Rebecca brushed past me to hug Embry. Her smile had been bright and infectious, but there had been nothing abnormal in it. Nothing I wouldn't have expected after she had seen him for the first time in years.
"You've grown. Wow," she was telling him as I forced myself to turn around. I refused to make eye contact with anyone else, not wanting to see the expressions on their faces.
"Uh, yeah," Embry said, struggling with speech. It made my heart speed up in a moment of panic, but I managed to get myself under control, realizing that Embry was struggling out of a feeling of awkwardness and not because he had become enamored. "I am twenty, Becca."
Rebecca let out a long exhale as if she couldn't process that fact. "I guess you are," she admitted. "I know that obviously. Jacob is too. I was never able to connect each birthday with how you must be growing." She turned towards Quil, giving him the same inspection she'd been giving Embry moments before. "But you are growing up, aren't you?"
"I think we've already grown up," Quil said with a smirk that revealed how at ease he was. I wished I could have achieved the same thing. "We're adults, Becca."
Rebecca snorted. "Right. Okay. In a legal sense, I'll accept that, but I think you're going to have to prove your adulthood to me while I'm here. Otherwise, I won't believe it."
I wondered if Rebecca had stopped to think about how Embry, Jake, and Quil were all older than she had been when she'd ran off to Hawaii to get married. I wasn't sure if it would have entered her awareness, but it didn't escape my own. She hadn't been the epitome of maturity at that age either.
Rebecca moved on, walking towards Rachel and Paul. She began to introduce herself, not having known Paul well before. If Embry and Quil had been annoying little kids to us, Paul had been just another little kid. One who we knew of but never bothered to pay attention to. Now Rebecca had to get to know him as her future brother-in-law.
When everyone's attention was turned away from me—everyone's except Embry's—I turned away from them. Embry's eyes were on me, not so much as glancing towards Rebecca.
That was the first thing I noticed, but I didn't dare put much stock in it. I knew that Embry had the willpower to force himself to behave against his instincts, and he would never want to be wrong. Imprint or no imprint, I could imagine Embry fighting it, and that thought scared me more than him accepting it ever could.
There was a question in my eyes, one that I couldn't voice out loud, and I knew Embry would give me a straight answer. He would never deny me that, but when he did answer, he didn't do so verbally. He shook his head, and I felt a gust of air rush out of my lungs. Tons of pressure that had been pressing in on me lifted. A ringing in my ears dissipated.
"Really?" I whispered low enough that, if anyone could hear, it would only have been the other wolves.
"Really," he confirmed, a grin forming on his face. "No imprint. Nothing."
The feeling that came over me then must have been relief, but it was harder to take than the fear had been. I felt like my legs might collapse out from under me, and maintaining my balance while continuing to breathe became my sole focus.
Embry reached out to place a hand on my back, trying to steady me but also not wanting to alert Rebecca to the danger. There was no way to explain this away to her, I reminded myself. I had to pull myself together or I was going to cause trouble. Trouble that I had no desire to deal with.
It was tempting, with Embry close and touching me for the first time in days, to give in and lean into Embry's side. Every cell in my body tingled at the possibility, but I refrained from doing so. I still hadn't processed everything that had happened.
"No imprint," I muttered under my breath. Though I knew that Embry had to have heard it, he gave no indication of it. Just kept his hand on my back as if he were still worried I would topple over otherwise. I couldn't find it in me to tell him that I felt confident that I could stand on my own.
The others had begun ambling towards the house. We should have been following them, but instead, I remained standing there, unsure of what to do. I didn't want Embry's hand to leave my back, and I couldn't leave when I had just seen Rebecca for the first time in years.
Rachel took a few steps towards the door before she noticed us, and she hung back as the others went inside. Her brow wrinkled as she examined us, from the hand on my back to the revealing look on my face.
She glanced back at the door, but she didn't make a move to follow, sighing as she made her decision.
Rachel hadn't been in La Push in the days since I'd broken up with Embry, but that didn't mean she was clueless. She knew everything as well as anyone could be expected to. Few people had been privy to my personal thoughts about it the way Rachel had.
"Hey, Embry," Rachel began, and I felt a sense of dread in my stomach. "You want to go inside and tell the others that Leah and I will be there in a second? We have a quick errand to run."
I glanced up at Embry, taking in his perplexed expression. He looked down at me, and once again, I was overwhelmed with making eye contact after what had happened between us. I could have stared at him forever, but there was a question that I needed to answer. Offering him a slight nod, I felt his hand leave my back. There was an instinctual need to gain contact again, and I had to clench my fists to keep myself from reaching out and revealing myself.
Embry left, looking back at me one more time before he disappeared inside the house.
I was left with no choice but to face Rachel. When she'd stuck behind, I'd had little doubt that she would remove me from Embry to talk, especially when this was the first time she'd seen us together since the breakup. There was just one thing I didn't understand.
"What errands?" I asked.
Instead of answering, Rachel turned back to her car and opened the driver's side door, motioning for me to go around and get inside as well.
"We're going to Emily's," she said as soon as I had my door open.
"Emily's," I repeated in surprise. "But you don't talk to Emily anymore unless you have to."
Rachel shrugged. "We're both imprints. That makes me almost as tied to her as I am to Paul. Not talking doesn't change that."
"Okay," I said, drawing out the word like a question. "But why does that mean we're going to talk to her now?"
"You think Kim is over there?" Rachel asked, ignoring my question. "I know she works Fridays usually, but it's late enough that she might be off, right?"
I shrugged, not up to date on Kim's work schedule or when she went to visit Emily. It was clear that Rachel wasn't going to explain herself to me, so I shut up, looking out the window until Sam and Emily's house came into view.
Sure enough, Jared's car was in the driveway when we arrived, and it didn't take long to assess that both he and Kim were there.
If I was surprised by the 'errand' Rachel had taken me on, Emily might as well have been looking at a ghost when she opened the door and saw Rachel in front of her. Her eyes flickered away for a second to see me, but they were back on Rachel soon enough, marveling over her former friend's presence on her doorstep.
"Mind if we come in?" Rachel asked without any warmth.
If Emily sensed something strange, she didn't let on. There was a smile on her face after she'd gotten over her initial shock, and she stepped aside as she said, "No, of course not. Come in."
I followed Rachel inside and saw that Kim and the baby were the only ones in the living room. It was easy enough to hear Jared and Sam in another room of the house along with Simone, but I had a feeling they had quieted down in an effort to hear us. No one could believe Rachel had come here, let alone with me in tow.
"How are you?" Emily asked as she retook her seat. Rachel didn't look her in the eyes from where she had sat down next to Kim, but she did answer.
"I'm good," she said, and I got the impression that she was trying to pack as much sincerity into her answer as she could, still wanting to prove Emily wrong. "Really good. Work's amazing, and I've enjoyed being back in Seattle."
"That's nice," Emily said with a fake smile.
Just listening to this conversation was painful.
"Sorry for interrupting," I began, not feeling sorry at all, "but can I have an explanation?" I asked, turning towards Rachel. "No offense to you guys, but Rachel, you did pull me away from Rebecca's homecoming and bring me here with no explanation. And I think Emily and Kim are as confused as I am."
Kim tried her hardest to appear like she disagreed, like she wasn't shocked by Rachel's sudden appearance, but it was a useless effort. Not least of all because Emily and Rachel were paying her little attention at the moment.
"I came to talk about you and Embry," Rachel stated matter-of-factly. Like that should make sense to me.
"That doesn't explain anything. Why did we need to come here to discuss me and Embry?"
"Because you were terrified he'd imprint on Rebecca. Because you broke up with him based on your fear that he would imprint. Because you still have these massive issues with imprinting, and they need to be dealt with."
The more I questioned her, the more she started to sound like she was talking to a five-year-old or maybe the infant sitting in her playpen on the other side of the room.
"What the fuck, Rachel?" was the only comeback I could come up with.
Emily shifted in her seat before asking, "So, um, I know this is a touchy subject, but Rebecca's here, right? Can we clarify what happened?"
Rachel smirked, looking happy that Emily had been brave enough to ask. "She's here. She's back at home with the family. Leah was terrified when Rebecca and I arrived because she thought Embry would imprint. I'd be willing to bet it's why she dumped him in the first place. Except he didn't imprint. Because, like anyone else could tell you, that was never going to happen."
I cowered in my seat, feeling like an idiot who had said the wrong thing in front of a genius. Rachel wasn't going to go easy on me, and now was not a time where I felt like I could take even the simplest of abuses.
"I get it," I whispered. "I shouldn't have thought there was a chance Embry would imprint on Rebecca. She's married and whatever. It was a stupid fear. Can you let it go?"
There was a softening in Rachel's features when she realized how strong of an effect she was having on me. "It wasn't that stupid," she relented. I was pretty sure that contradicted something she had said minutes before, but I wasn't going to argue with her on the topic. "Just too scared, Leah. Still. I want to snap you out of it, not freak you out more."
"You're doing a great job," I muttered under my breath.
With a sigh, Rachel turned back to Emily and Kim. "That's why I came here," she explained. "Leah, you keep freaking out about imprinting because you've built it up as some terrible thing that ruins your life, so why not talk to people who think about it differently? Maybe it'll help, and dear God, you need help. I knew you'd broken up with Embry, and I knew it was bothering both of you. I didn't expect to see that shit as soon as I got out of my car."
For a moment, I stared at her. There was no way Rachel Black was telling me these things.
"You want me to be more optimistic?"
"I want you to stop acting like the world is going to eat you alive each time you take the smallest of risks."
"I take risks," I countered, knowing full well that I was missing the real argument. "I've been training multiple times a week to fight the strongest vampires in the world. I think I take more than enough risks." I hoped that none of them would point out how long it had been since I'd last phased.
Rachel rolled her eyes. "Risks with your heart. You've never seemed to have much fear about getting hurt physically."
I wasn't sure how true that was. As far as I was able to tell, physical injuries worried me as much as the average person, but that wasn't worth arguing over.
Just as I was about to respond, Rachel continued speaking. "But that's not the point. The point is that I wanted you to hear about imprinting from me, Emily, and Kim. Because you've never asked any of us about it, have you?"
My mouth snapped shut. I hadn't. There had never been a bone in my body that desired having such a conversation, even with Rachel. It felt awkward, especially when three imprints were watching me at once. I wasn't one of them, despite their attempts to include me since I was the only female wolf, and the fact that I didn't fit in was never more apparent than when all three of them were watching me as they were then.
I was an outsider among them. Someone who would fit in better with Jared and Sam in the other room instead of with the imprints. I had no desire to sit there and listen to them go on about how lucky and in love they were.
"I haven't," I admitted, "but I don't understand what there is to talk about."
"There's plenty," Rachel said. She moved around in her seat as if she were settling in for a long conversation. I felt my own stomach sink at the realization that I wasn't going to escape this anytime soon.
"Besides," Rachel continued, "I think this will be good for all of us. Not just you, Leah. I know I've never talked about this with anyone either."
"Okay," Emily said, voice wavering, "but I'm with Leah. I don't understand what you want us to talk about. What is there to say?"
Rachel rolled her eyes again. "Fine. We'll start with questions then? And I'll be as cheesy as possible. Maybe that will get my point across. Emily, what does imprinting mean to you?"
The way Emily's face flushed would have been comical in other circumstances. I wasn't sure what the cause was. While the question made me roll my eyes, I couldn't account for the nervous ticks Emily began to show as soon as she heard the question. You would have thought that Rachel had asked about sex, but I had a strong feeling that Emily's answer wasn't going to go there.
"I-It means you've found who you're meant to be with." She looked proud of herself when she managed to get that much out, and she sat back as if admiring her accomplishment.
Rachel wasn't satisfied. "But what does it mean when you find who you're meant to be with?"
Emily and Kim both gave her confused looks, but I knew where she was going with this. I knew that she'd been thinking about this, and I also knew this conversation was going towards territory I had covered with Embry. I hadn't been ecstatic about having this conversation with him, and I didn't want to have it with the imprints either.
"I don't know what you mean," Emily said. "Who you're meant to be with. Who you're meant to marry."
"But do you have to marry the person you're meant to be with?"
I wasn't sure how much of this came from a genuine desire for an answer and how much of it was from an enjoyment of seeing Emily squirm. I felt uncomfortable as I watched.
Emily stuttered over several started sentences before she sighed in defeat. "I don't know," she admitted. "I guess not, but that's usually how it goes, isn't it? Either way, it doesn't matter. Imprinting just means that you're meant to be with that person. Married, not married. Either way it's the same outcome."
Rachel didn't attack that, just nodded along with Emily's words. "But you think it's about babies too, right?" she asked, causing Emily to freeze just as she thought that she had gotten off the hook. "That's why you got angry with me. You think I should move back to La Push, marry Paul, and start popping out babies."
Emily's face had become a bright red, and the level of shame she exuded felt like something she should have shown a long time ago. Her eyes flickered around the room, never staying anywhere long.
"It's not that I think you should do that. It's only that I expected you to, and when you didn't, it threw me off guard. But I swear that I am sorry for that, Rachel. I've already apologized."
"I know," Rachel said, the tone of her voice making it unclear whether or not she had accepted said apology. "That's not what this is about." There was a pause as she debated her own words. "Okay. Maybe that's related to this, I'll admit, but I'm not trying to get back at you like this is high school. I think this is good for all of us."
"Why though?" Emily questioned. "What are we accomplishing here?"
"A better understanding of imprinting."
I struggled to keep my eyes on the floor, feeling nervous. Emily and Kim still looked confused. They couldn't understand what Rachel was getting at, and I had no hope that they would.
Rachel was starting to think that way too, and she wasn't afraid to roll her eyes in overt annoyance. "Because no one knows what imprinting means, do they? And we never talk about it as if we don't need to. Like we've got it figured out when we don't have a clue. Then Leah goes and ruins her relationship over it."
"Really, Rachel?" I shot at her, feeling my cheeks heat up.
"What? It's true. I'm not going to let you deny it or make up other excuses."
I let out a long noise of frustration. In my panic over today, I'd never bothered to consider this outcome. It hadn't felt possible. How had I ended up in Emily's house with Rachel demanding I open up to two people I steadfastly refused to open up to? If Rachel was doing this out of a need to convince me that fate didn't have it out for me, she was doing a terrible job. I was more convinced of that than I had ever been before.
"I broke up with Embry because he might imprint," I admitted, feeling like I'd been boxed into a corner with no way out. I was aware of Sam and Jared not that far away as I said it. They were staying quiet, not daring to interrupt us, and I knew they could hear every word that I said. None of this seemed to matter to the other girls, but I felt self-conscious not being able to know what they were thinking or even see their faces in order to guess.
"Does that make you happy?" I continued, voice rising in intensity. "I'm terrified about it. As anyone who dates an unimprinted wolf should be. There. I admitted it. Can I go now?"
"No." Despite the simplicity of Rachel's answer, it was said so forcefully that not even a wolf would have dared go against her. I stayed in my seat, glaring at someone that I would have trusted to never put me in this situation. "And that doesn't make me happy," she continued. "That's why this is happening."
"Rachel," I began. I could hear the threat in my voice each time I spoke. "Nothing you can say or make me say is going to change the decisions I've already made. It's my life. I'm an adult, and I can make decisions for myself. None of this is your responsibility."
"It is though. You're right that it comes down to you, Leah, but I'm your friend. One of your closest friends last I checked, and that means I'm supposed to help you whenever possible."
"You call this helping?"
"Yes. Because you're going to make yourself miserable if someone doesn't shake some sense into you."
I flopped against the back of the couch, groaning in frustration as I did. Emily and Kim were both watching Rachel and me with wide eyes. Even Emily seemed to have been cowed into silence, not sure what she should say unless she, too, wanted to be yelled at. She analyzed the situation as Rachel and I continued to steam, and eventually, she deemed it the right time to talk.
"I think I'm starting to get it," she admitted, although I wasn't sure what she was trying to tell us she had gotten. "You're making us talk about imprinting to help Leah."
Rachel shrugged. "I think it will help all of us in the long run. Leah's just the one who needs it the most."
Emily nodded like this made sense to her, and I pushed my head further back into the cushions it rested on, wishing I could fall asleep right then and there. No one could talk to me then. It felt like the only escape path I had.
"You really think Embry will imprint?"
It was the first time Kim had spoken since we'd arrived at the house, and my eyes flew open in surprise. Not lifting my head up, I tilted my head to the side to look at her. She had a wide-eyed look on her face, but she appeared earnest, like she had something to say that was important enough to chance speaking up.
"I don't know," I said harsher than I would have liked to speak to Kim most days. I couldn't bring myself to monitor my tone. "That's kind of the problem. Maybe he will; maybe he won't. But unless someone can reveal something that I've managed to miss, it's a possibility."
Kim shook her head and leaned forward in her seat like she needed to get closer to me.
"Have you missed something?" she asked. It was the closest I had heard Kim come to using sarcasm. "Because Embry's your soulmate as much as Jared is mine, Leah. I thought everyone could see that, including you."
My hands began to shake, and I fiddled with the hem of my shirt to disguise it. I had to remind myself to breathe again as I watched Kim, seeing that she was dead serious.
"What the hell are you talking about?" I could hear the waver in my voice, but I hoped I was the only one. "Jared imprinted on you. Last I checked, Embry hasn't imprinted on anyone. Least of all me. He's not my soulmate."
All three of them watched me with wide eyes, and I couldn't figure out what it was about my words that had them looking like that. Not until Emily spoke.
"You can't be serious," she said. "You really think that, Leah?"
The question threw me off. If I'd been asked who the biggest proponent of imprinting was, I would have chosen Emily without much thought. She always appeared beyond thrilled to be an imprint. When I was in a darker place, I'd thought it had come out of a desperate need to compensate for the terrible shit that had come out of Sam imprinting on her, but more recently I'd begun to see it as one of Emily's deeply held beliefs.
"Of course I do," I continued, feeling exposed despite the fact that, as far as I could tell, I was only retelling information that was common knowledge among the pack. "Wolves imprint when they find their soulmate. If neither Embry or I have imprinted on each other, then we can't be soulmates."
I included myself to get them off my back. It had been a long time since I had entertained the idea that I might be capable of imprinting. It felt too far fetched and unlikely for me to hold out hope for it.
"No, no, no, no," Emily repeated, shaking her head for emphasis. "You can't think that. You can't."
She looked adamant, almost fearful, about the possibility.
"What do you mean?" I asked again. "Seriously, you guys. I don't understand how I'm saying anything that would sound strange to you. It's common sense."
"It's not though," Kim said, sounding the most confident she had ever been while addressing me. "Because we all think Embry's your soulmate."
I looked around the room, surprised that no one wanted to contradict Kim's words.
"If you're joking, can you please stop it?"
Rachel rolled her eyes. "We're not joking. What Kim said is the truth. We all think it. Or at least I do. I have for a long time."
"Like...how long?"
Rachel shrugged and leaned back like she didn't care much about the conversation, but I could detect a glimmer of amusement in her eyes and knew she was enjoying herself.
"You want to know something that I never told you?" I shrugged, knowing I would get the story either way. "When we were in high school, Jake had his friends over. Nothing unusual. And they made a mess in the living room before disappearing off somewhere. I didn't want Dad to have to clean it up, so I was doing it myself. They must have been doing homework because there were papers and textbooks and stuff all over the floor and the coffee table."
I had no idea where this could be going, but I felt my heart stuttering in anticipation.
"I couldn't tell whose papers were whose, so I was stuffing them all together. I figured I'd make the boys sort them out for themselves later. It would serve them right, but then this one paper caught my eye." She paused, narrowing her eyes at me. "I shouldn't have found it. It fell out of a notebook when I picked the notebook up, but it was this thing Embry had written. At least, I figured it had to have been him because I knew he'd been infatuated with you for a while. Anyway, it was this list of reasons why he had no chance with you. Like 'she's with Sam', 'I'm too young', and that sort of thing. And then the other half of the paper was reasons why he liked you. And, Leah, it wasn't anything like I would have expected a middle school boy to write. He'd put things like 'she used to play with me even though I annoyed her' and 'she's nicer to Seth than Rachel and Rebecca are to Jake'. It struck me enough that I remember it now.
"And it's not like I suddenly became convinced that Embry was your soulmate then. I mean, he was, like, twelve or something, and you were with Sam, and we all thought you were going to get married. But I remember being struck by how much he genuinely seemed to like you, and then, after everything happened, how much he still liked you. And when you two started dating, I felt happy that Embry was getting a chance. Not only that, but I was happy that you were getting to see what I saw when I found that paper.
"Trust me, Leah. It's hard to have seen what's developed between you two over the years and not want you to work things out. It doesn't seem like anything but a huge shame for you to make yourselves miserable by pretending you aren't head over heels in love with each other."
It had been impossible to listen to Rachel's story and not gape at her. Even once she'd finished, I continued to stare at her in shock. No words would come. It was even more shocking to see that Emily and Kim didn't appear surprised by it the way I was, even though I was sure that Rachel had never shared that story with them before.
"See," Kim said when it became apparent that I wasn't going to speak, "you're soulmates."
I wasn't sold. No matter how powerful of a story Rachel had managed to come up with.
"But he didn't imprint on me," I repeated. It was the one detail that kept running through my head. I couldn't get passed it.
"He didn't have to." My eyes flew to Emily when she spoke, but she wasn't looking at me. Her eyes were on the floor, but when she did glance up, I saw tears shining in them. As if she'd become overwhelmed with emotion and was struggling to hold it back.
"He didn't have to imprint on you," she repeated. "That's the difference. Sam had to imprint on me. Otherwise, he would have married you. Jared had to imprint on Kim so that he would notice her. Paul had to imprint on Rachel, or she would have gone back to Seattle before they could get to know each other. And Jake and Quil… They imprinted on babies, Leah. There's no way in hell they would have figured that out without an imprint."
"Jake was about to kill Nessie," Kim pointed out.
"And Ethan had that fling going on when he imprinted," Rachel continued. "So he wouldn't have asked his imprint out otherwise."
I stared at them, unable to believe I was hearing this.
"Embry…" I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself. "Embry's said all of this before."
They looked at me with sadness. There was an intensity there that I had never expected to be on the receiving end of from them.
"But I didn't believe him. It felt foolish to believe him."
"I believe him," Kim responded quietly.
"It's like he's always known that he was supposed to be with you," Rachel said. Even she appeared close to tears. "If there was one wolf who wouldn't need to imprint, it would be Embry. He figured it out for himself."
"I-I need to go."
I hurried up from my seat, gathering my things as I went. I needed to be out in the fresh air before I suffocated. I needed the freedom to think.
They watched me go, and I knew that I wasn't going to make it back to the Blacks'. I couldn't. I couldn't go in there and act normal again.
September 14th, 2010
If Rachel thought that her effort would result in me running back to Embry, she was wrong. Weeks passed, and I made no move to correct the error of my ways.
She had succeeded in planting the idea in my mind that it had been an error, but there was still a fear that opening up to Embry would only result in pain. I couldn't bring myself to do it when there was that much insecurity surrounding our relationship.
Embry started back at school, and I saw him even less than I had before.
Maybe it would have been easier to handle if I had had my best friend to talk to. My best friend who knew nothing about wolves or imprinting. My best friend who could have talked to me about something different.
But I didn't. Joselyn wasn't returning my calls, and it only led to me feeling worse than I would have otherwise. It certainly wasn't instilling me with any hope that I could maintain positive relationships. That was for sure.
What Rachel had managed to do was make me desperate about getting ahold of Joselyn. I'd sent text messages and left voicemails, all of which went unanswered except for the occasional brief response.
This time, when the dialtone ended and a click signalled that someone had answered the phone, my heart stopped in my chest, and I began to panic. I hadn't expected to speak to Joselyn today, and despite having made the call, I couldn't remember what I had planned to say.
"Hello?" Joselyn asked from the other end of the line.
"Hi," I said. "It's nice to talk to you."
I heard Joselyn sigh on the other end, and that was more of a positive reaction than I had expected. I wouldn't have been surprised if Joselyn had answered the phone only to tell me to stop calling.
"Yeah, you too," Joselyn said, but I couldn't tell if the sentiment was genuine or not. "It's strange not talking," Joselyn continued, and I sighed. This time in the relief of knowing that Joselyn was serious.
"I've been calling," I said, although I wasn't sure if it was good to take such a risk. The last thing I wanted to do was make Joselyn angry at me again.
"I know. I just didn't want to talk to you for a while."
I nodded even though Joselyn wouldn't be able to see the gesture.
"I understand. I fucked up. I know I fucked up. Everyone thinks so, and I get it, but I could use a conversation with someone who won't remind me about that for five minutes."
There was a pause as Joselyn considered my words.
"Is everyone in La Push angry with you too?"
Joselyn didn't know the half of it. She couldn't. I couldn't tell her about the wolves or the pack or imprinting. None of it. She would never be able to know me on that level, and that always hurt when I was reminded of it. Still, she had seen enough of me and Embry to understand why everyone I knew was pissed off at me.
"Yeah, they are. Almost everyone. Enough that I'm not eager to talk to any of them."
I could hear Joselyn moving around through the phone, like she was making herself comfortable as she settled in. Maybe she had been planning to keep this brief when she picked up, and I'd manage to activate her sympathy before she cut off the call.
"I know I don't know any of them, but I'm sure it's only because they care about you like I do."
"Saying that doesn't make me feel better."
"I don't think anything I can say will make you feel better. Only you can do that, and you know how."
It was difficult not to throw a temper tantrum over the phone. No matter how immature that would have been, I was frustrated with everyone around me. I was also frustrated with myself, something that Joselyn had thrown out front and center. I didn't want to be reminded of my own failings when it was already difficult to forget them. I'd laid awake many nights in a row thinking about them.
"Can I fix it though?" I asked. "I don't mean can I apologize to Embry. I know I could, but would it fix anything? Or would it lead to more problems in the future?"
"There will always be problems. I'm sure there'd be plenty in your relationship. That doesn't mean you wouldn't be happier overall or that it wouldn't be a good thing for the both of you. At any rate, I don't think the problems would be as terrible as you seem to be imagining."
I tried to believe her. I did. I even thought she might have convinced me a little.
That night I laid awake trying to make sense of it in my mind, and when I did fall asleep, it was to a dream of Embry and me together.
September 29th, 2010
As Nessie aged, I was needed less and less as a babysitter. She looked like a preteen these days, although I wasn't sure what age they were considering her developmentally.
What I did know was that she watched herself now when there wasn't anyone else around to do it. She even babysat Claire and Simone, although she had yet to be left alone with Chloe.
Years ago, I would have been nothing but thankful to be relieved of my former status as go-to babysitter, but after holding the position for so long, I felt disconnected from Nessie's life these days. I was only aware of what was happening with her in the vaguest of ways, and when I did talk to her, it was typically at group gatherings, which she'd always been quieter at than when in smaller groups.
Since breaking up with Embry, I'd seen her even less because I never went over to Jake's unless it was necessary. There was too much risk of seeing Embry as well. That meant that I hardly spoke to anyone in the pack these days. No one except Seth and Al, who was at our house more now that he and Seth couldn't see each other at school each day.
So when Nessie called to ask if she could spend the evening at my house, I'd thought it was odd, but I'd agreed even though I never wanted to do much but take a nap after getting off work.
"Why aren't you over at Jake's?" I asked as soon as I'd let Nessie in the door.
Nessie shrugged, depositing the messenger bag she'd had slung over her shoulder down on the couch before sitting down beside it.
"I see him every other day. It's not like I need to always be with him. Sometimes a change of pace is nice."
I nodded along, accepting the answer. Maybe Nessie had started her rebellious years, or maybe she was just mature in a way parents of teenagers everywhere hoped their teenagers would be mature. There were countless reasons why Nessie might have chosen to come spend time at my house for no reason when she could have been with Jacob.
I chose not to question it further.
Despite how much she had grown in a short time, Nessie's behavior was remarkably similar to how it had always been. She settled down on the couch, tugged a book out of her bag, and began to read. Nothing was different, and I wondered, yet again, why she had chosen to come over here.
Was our house quieter? If that was why, then she was lucky that Seth and Al happened to not be there. She wouldn't be getting any peace and quiet if they showed up.
I knew she hadn't come to see her grandfather because I had pointed out that Charlie was working late that night when she had first called.
Nessie flipped a page of her book, and I remembered that I should be doing something other than trying to rationalize the actions of a preteen. Instead, I grabbed a book for myself and settled down in a chair not too far away.
For several minutes, I managed to become engaged in what I was reading, and then Nessie chose to lower her book and address me.
"I was babysitting Simone the other day," she began.
I lowered my own book, one eyebrow raised in Nessie's direction. "And?" I asked. She babysat Simone frequently these days. Often, Emily would call Nessie to come over just so she could go to the grocery store with one young child instead of two. It was like Nessie was constantly on call.
Nessie shrugged, but I knew that she had a reason for bringing it up. "Simone said some things," she said vaguely.
Simone had been in the other room that day that Rebecca had come back to La Push. That was the first thing that came to mind when Nessie said her name. However, Simone had been in the other room, not with us, and she was only five. What could she have passed onto Nessie that would bring her all the way over here to talk about it.
"And?" I repeated, trying to sound clueless even as I felt my heart speed up.
"None of it made sense at first," Nessie continued, "because she only gave me bits and pieces, and I had to put it together for myself. She was saying stuff about soulmates and listing off the soulmates she knew. She included you and Embry, and she said something about Kim and Emily confirming it. And Sam too, she said."
I sucked in a sharp breath. Sam had told Simone that Embry and I were soulmates? There was no way in hell that I believed that.
"What does that have to do with anything?" I questioned.
Nessie shrugged again, holding her book up as if she were shielding herself from my glares.
"She was babbling on about some conversation you'd had with Emily, Kim, and Rachel. At least that's what it seemed like, and I thought it was interesting."
Maybe I had been wrong to think of Nessie as smarter than the average preteen. No matter how book smart she was, she remained lacking in common sense. A large part of me wanted to say as much to her, but I could imagine the upset look on her face. I didn't want to deal with that, so I bit my tongue.
Instead, I said, "We talked the other day."
"About soulmates," Nessie tried to get me to confirm.
"Yes, about soulmates, but I don't want to talk about it again."
Despite her attempts at creating a shield, my angry and defensive tone didn't appear to be putting Nessie off my case. She got up from the couch, placing her book on the coffee table, and moved over to sit on the armrest of the chair I occupied.
I was tall enough that she didn't dwarf me, but she was perched so that her head was above mine, which made me feel uncomfortable. Now I really did feel like I was being attacked, even though I knew Nessie didn't mean for it to come across that way.
"I get it," she said, forcing me to crane my neck if I wanted to look at her. I used that as an excuse not to. "But I wanted to tell you that I agree with them. That you and Embry are soulmates, I mean."
I let out a few choice words, and it was a testament to Nessie's growth in at least one area that she didn't flinch when she heard the words.
"Why does everyone keep telling me that?"
Nessie frowned, looking confused. "Because we believe it. Obviously. I know Jake does too. I was talking to him about it yesterday after the stuff with Simone happened."
"Jesus Christ," I muttered.
Nessie ignored me, plunging on. "And then Quil heard, and he said that he knew Embry was either going to marry you or no one at all when they were kids. So I think it's safe to say that means he thinks you're soulmates too."
"Fuck." I couldn't believe she'd… "Did you have to go and talk to everyone about it?"
Her frown deepened. "I don't get what the big deal is. We already thought it. It's not like I was gossiping or anything."
"I think you need to look up what gossiping means," I told her. "I don't care what they think they know."
Nessie looked at me critically. "Embry wasn't around, if that's what has you worried."
I scoffed at her even though that was, in fact, what had me worked up.
"Whatever," I said, not feeling like there was a better counter argument in this position. A four-year-old was trying to lecture me about emotions and romance. I wanted out of this conversation. If I knew her at all, Nessie wasn't going to allow that.
"Why did you break up with him?" she asked instead of reading my mood and acting accordingly. "It's because you don't believe he'll stay with you forever, right? You don't believe us. You don't believe him."
"No offense, Ness, but you're four. On top of that, you were imprinted on before you met your mother once you were out of the womb. You can't understand. You can't know what it's like to be in a relationship, let alone one where there's no imprint."
Her nose wrinkled in dislike. "I think I'm happiest Jake imprinted on me," she began, "because people seem to make relationships complicated when there's no imprint. How do people live like that?"
I let out a derisive snort.
"Not easily," I informed her. "Not easily at all."
"Right. But it's because of you, not the world, so you can't do much complaining."
I tilted my head up to glare at her, but because of her position over me, it didn't feel effective. Nessie still looked too proud of herself.
"Go back to your book," I snapped.
She offered me one sad smile as she stood up and moved back to the couch. She continued to look too proud of herself for what she had said, but I was determined to act like I didn't notice.
