Everybody has a Ghost
By JuniperHeart
Summary - After dynamic shifts in the world's politics and set 5 years after the battle with Ultimecia, Squall reflects on his loves and losses and what he truly needs to live again. The challenge is in doing something about it.
Warnings - Contains homosexual relationships, sexual situations, angst, sappiness on occasion, and may contain swearing. Oh and no Rinoa-bashing.
Pairings - Squall/Rinoa (reminiscent), Squall/Seifer
Chapter Twelve - Technicolour Beat
And I feel life for the very first time
Love in my arms and the sun in my eyes
I feel safe in the 5am light
You carry my fears as the heavens set fire
Technicolour Beat - Oh Wonder
Upon arrival at Balamb Garden, even though they walked side-by-side, Squall and Seifer were aware not to lead on to any ideas about their involvement with each other. Quistis, of course, had already picked up on their tryst somewhere in Ragnarok, the pair seemingly vanishing until the end of the flight, but Squall knew he could trust Quistis. She knew an awful lot, but she was an expert at divulging only what was necessary. Seifer, despite being incredibly close to him as of late, nodded professionally to the others and left the group at the intersection by the Garden map. He had forgotten the complexity of Seifer's demeanor; how he knew exactly what to do or how to act, unless he had been completely over-swept by his emotions. Squall wondered if that description was even true anymore, outside of battle of course.
"Squall." Quistis interjected, snapping a distant Squall out of his reverie. "I'm going to stick around for a few days to make sure that Rinoa is comfortable. I think you should also rest. It has been a long day already."
Instinctively, Squall felt defensive to the 'mama hen' talk, but he knew he was exhausted and needed exactly what she said. "Sure. See you around, then?"
"Yes. I do have some recent intel for you, so shall we meet for lunch in your office? I'll bring something up." Quistis smiled and rested her hand on her friend's shoulder. "It's not often we get to talk face to face. I'm glad we have had more opportunity to, lately."
"Now you're embarrassing me." Squall brushed off the hand but smiled anyway despite himself.
The two said their goodbyes and went their separate ways. if only for a few hours.
Squall found that he could not sleep much, despite his sleep deprivation, so he decided to explore instead. He was aware that classes involving magic and junctioning had begun as of 10 am and he was more than curious to check them out. He had also gone without junctioning his own GFs and magic ever since he had received them again, so he was keen to get back into the swing of it. Anything to relieve the confusing swirl of thoughts and events. It was a little startling to see that the intimidated looks his way had been replaced with those of curious regard. Instantly, paranoia diffused through him, and he suddenly felt like what he had done was painted over him for all to see. This wasn't true, of course, there was no way the students could know, but he knew something had changed, like the dark, consuming cloud following him had dissipated and the air around him felt warmer. He was putting on weight slowly and his muscles didn't feel so weak lately, so he must be carrying himself differently for sure. Squall shrugged off the thoughts and made an effort to block out the stares.
Upon arrival at the training centre where Seifer was holding the first of his practical magic classes, Squall stood towards the back where he was hidden from the blonde. Seifer was a surprisingly good teacher, casting his available spells and describing in detail when and how to use them effectively. Most of the students looked on timidly, as though this new concept of battling was frightening to them, but he could pick out a few of them who were basically itching to give it a try. Squall could remember when he first drew and used his magic very well, but he didn't depend on it until much, much later, closer to the war and when he had access to stronger monsters and the heaven and hell islands. The white magic had certainly been very helpful, in the very least, most notably, aura. Seifer, on the other hand started using magic from early on, using it in synergy with his bladework, but also to cheat in battles. Squall instinctively reached for his scar, reacting to his most recent thoughts. That battle had be a catalyst for so many things, his raw emotions, their bond, or whatever it was they had… Squall pulled himself out of his reverie and paid attention to the class. He had been discovered, it seemed. Some of the class members were flicking their eyes toward him, trying their best not to alert their teacher at the same time. They didn't know Seifer so well, yet.
Seifer's mere presence commanded the room. It was obvious by the posture of the students that they were intimidated by him. The fact that he was probably one of few that had seen him stripped down amazed him to an extent; he wondered if there was more… or worse.
Seifer's speech broke and the class broke off into pairs, drawing magic from the designated draw points and trying it out with each other. A few were even trying it out on each other, but with the benefit of a shell generator the damage taken was dampened. Squall's eyes tracked across the room, dragging over the students, and eventually laying on Seifer's. He admitted to himself that he was scared. Scared of acknowledging the presence of something there, the reason to why he couldn't seem to drag his eyes away again. He didn't need to.
"Commander." Seifer called and strode over, using proper honorifics to set an example. "What brings you to my neck of the woods?"
The brunette cocked his head, indicating curiosity, and looked over the students again. "Even though we banned magic use as a precaution, it's a shame they will need to be trained from scratch. I'm wondering if it was a good idea."
"I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time." Seifer lowered his voice. "Some show natural ability, but for most it's going to take a lot of intensive training."
Squall nodded, agreeing with him. He could pick out the naturals straight away, but this generation seemed to lack the enthusiasm, the drive and most importantly the bravery. When he was training, and leading up to the war, precaution was shot to the wind out of necessity.
"What about you?" Seifer raised his eyebrow. "Gotten used to your junctions yet?"
Squall shivered and clasped his arms together. He hadn't even junctioned anything yet, let alone used magic or his guardian forces. It didn't feel right to him, as though it was an impossible hurdle to jump. He was worried about his GFs. He had abandoned his friends and was apprehensive to witness their reactions.
As though sensing this, Seifer placed his hand on Squall's shoulder, the students too busy to notice. "Now's a good time to start. Give Shiva a go."
Squall sighed resignedly and willed the junctioning to go ahead. Shiva's cool, familiar embrace enveloped his mind and he was rather relieved that it wasn't scornful, but more understanding.
"Now draw some magic." Seifer ordered, gesturing to the drawpoints to the side of the training area.
They were only first level spells, such as fire, blizzard and the like, but they hadn't moved to status spells yet, it seemed. Squall drew a few dozen of each, feeling the sparks of energy ignite as they reached his body.
"Keen to test out your magic… and swordplay?" Seifer grinned, the challenge apparent in his eyes, flicking the switch in Squall that always got his heart racing. There was no way he could back down once his heartbeat started thudding in his ears.
Seifer acknowledged his reaction and fetched two practice gunblades from the weapon storage, placing the grip of one in Squall's hand. It was nowhere near as comfortable as lionheart, but it would have to do. The two strode into their stances, facing each other, a ritual that was intrinsic to them. The air stood still, humidity filling Squall's lungs as he eyed Seifer's just above the gleam of his blade. His stance had changed, but only slightly. Gone was the careless cockiness and openness, guardedness and caution in its place. Back then, he could always count on Seifer leaving himself open every now and then, but now he was not so sure. It was going to be a real challenge.
Seifer raised his sword to indicate his readiness, after which Squall did also, and almost instantly after that, he deflected a quick lunge from Seifer. He had always been aggressive straight off the bat; he was impatient like that. Blood rushed to his limbs and he fell into a dance of parries, junctioning some of the magic to his stats to increase his ability. They flowed, making moving easier, something which Seifer instantly picked up on. Warmth enveloped the two as Squall realised that this was not just a blade fight, flames licking at Seifer's left hand, Squall cursing Seifer's one-handed sword style. Squall dodged a fire spell, leaping to the left and rolling away from another. He was faster, but in a sense, more deliberate. Squall gritted his teeth, feeling Shiva egg him on, encouraging him to use her and the magic by forcing ice through his left arm. Blizzard snapped out and caught the blonde off-guard, his sword following in an upper-stance cut. Seifer pushed up against him, just in time and threw him off, growling a little. Squall smirked, the blood pumping faster now, his body freeing after years of misuse and malnutrition. He remembered what it was like to be truly powerful, leaping aside after another fire spell. Squall decided to mix it up a little, casting thunder overhead, the bolt missing Seifer by inches as he ducked forward and landed a hit on Squall's upper right arm, the tip biting into flesh, only slightly. Squall winced, furious that Seifer had managed to touch him, bringing blizzard into his arm again. He let it diffuse out, creating a fog but not causing damage... yet. Seifer lunged again, but apparently could not see well enough to land any hits. Squall struck back, the fog surrounding them and now making it difficult to fight for both of them.
"Truce." Seifer said, his breathing laboured, feeling for Squall's arm in the fog.
Squall squeaked, surprised by the abdication, but then felt himself pulled up to a hard, warm body. Seifer's lips found his, furiously holding there, until they sucked a way down his neck. Squall could almost feel the moans rise out of his chest on their own… until the fog dissipated, and they leapt apart from each other. Behind the obscurance stood Seifer's class, looking at them in a mixture of bewilderment and awe.
"Well, Commander Leonhart was kind enough to lend his skill to help me demonstrate what a mixed battle is like." Seifer coughed a little, chest cold from the fog. "I hope you're impressed."
They nodded mutely, but Squall could see the cogs turning in their minds. Squall and Seifer were comrades (at least), yet they had once been mortal enemies. Squall felt as confused as they were, and the fact remained that Seifer was still incredibly powerful with magic and swordplay combined.
Squall nodded in reply, but quickly turned to stride out of the training area.
"We'll finish this battle later!" Seifer said in a tone, that to other people was probably a challenge of swords, but to him something else entirely.
It was a good thing that Seifer couldn't see his mortified flush on his way out.
"What's up, boo?"
"You didn't call me boo just now. Did you?" Squall peered up from his half-eaten burger disdainfully at his best friend.
"I did, because you are my boo." Quistis ruffled his hair with her fist and sat down with her lunch. "At least until someone else comes along." She smirked as Squall rolled his eyes.
Squall was quiet as he nibbled at his lunch.
"Are you thinking about him, or her?" Quistis asked, knowing it was either of the two by the faraway look in his eyes.
Squall sighed, not raising his gaze to meet hers. "It's him- but I know it should be her right now. I made the mistake of going to see one of Seifer's classes."
Quistis giggled to herself. "Oh, I heard about that from the gossiping students. It's all over garden right now. 'The once most despised person on earth battles with the elusive commander in class.' Quite a story."
"He made out with me in front of the students…!" Squall flicked his eyes to the side and kept his voice low.
"What?!"
"Well, we were shrouded in fog, but that's not the point... I can't resist him, Quisty." Squall sighed with a tinge of frustration.
Quistis smiled serenely, seemingly comforted by what he had said. "It's not exactly surprising, what you're telling me. It's only something you two repressed for years and now destiny is finally being fulfilled… or something like that."
"...what?"
"I always knew. Rinoa did not, but she didn't see you two together before you were enemies… well you know what I mean. Face it, you're infatuated and you always have been."
Squall could barely get a word in, for lack of words.
"Speaking of Rinoa," Quistis continued, "she's in Garden and making good progress."
Squall's heart sank in a millisecond. She was someone so special to him, and yet he could not even think of her. He knew the guilt of his recent liaisons was preventing him from openly reconnecting with her, and there was no way he could act normally around her. He had to tell her.
"You need to tell her."
Damn her. "I know, damn it. But don't you think it's too soon after her release? What if her mind is still too fragile?"
Quistis grasped her friend's hand and squeezed. "Her mental capacity is 99.99 percent restored. I think it would be cruel not to tell her."
"I see. I will go see her later today." Squall smiled tightly.
"Good."
Squall remembered back to Nida and figured that he would have to find a way to segue to him at some point. Quistis was perceptive. She would know if he suddenly brought Nida up in the conversation. Oh well, he had made a promise, and he was not the best at these sorts of things.
"What do you think of Nida?"
Quistis raised an eyebrow and pursed her lips. "What do you mean? He's a good pilot." She paused. "He asked you to drop his name, didn't he."
Squall nodded. "Yep. He likes you."
"He's… not really my type, despite the fact that we're too far apart most of the time." Quistis shook her head in disbelief.
"Out of curiousity, what is your type?"
Quistis smirked. "I don't like timid men. Actually, I don't particularly like men. Well, sleeping with them, anyway."
Squall blinked, the information hitting his brain like a tonne of bricks. "Why are you only telling me now, over lunch? Don't you think it's something that you should have told your best friend at some point?"
"I would have…" Quistis squeezed his hand again, "but you've kinda been going a ridiculously emotional period right now, and it didn't feel right to just come out and say 'hey, guess what Squall, I'm gay! Like you'll discover you might be soon enough!'. It didn't really seem like a priority at the time. Oh, and I'm casually sleeping with Xu. Just in case you were curious about that, too."
"Oh, wow." Squall sat back, running his hands through his hair, taken aback by his friend's sudden confession. "I didn't really need to know about who you're banging, though."
"I know most of yours and Seifer's sordid little details. Except about where you two disappeared to on the Ragnarok. Do tell." Her eyes glistened with delight. "He's told me pretty much everything else."
Fury burst through Squall and he balled his fists, jetting out of his chair, mortified. Quistis grabbed his arm firmly.
"Calm down, I'm only teasing." Quistis let the brunette go, but it didn't lessen the look of murder on his face. "Call me to your office after you see Rinoa. I need to show you some new diplomacy details."
Squall nodded and stormed off in a flurry, alerting the other diners in the cafeteria.
Quistis pondered how Squall would react if he actually did find out how much she knew.
Squall's feet tapped softly outside the infirmary door as he paced, words flooding him, but not making complete sentences. How he was going to break it to Rinoa, he hadn't the faintest. He knew Dr Kadowaki could see him through the glass of the door, bewildered by his indecisive pacing, but she probably had an idea as to why he was outside, and not in. Anyone would find it a little awkward speaking with someone who had been sealed away for more than a few years… right?
Right?
As though spurred on by an unseen force, Squall strode through the sliding door and nodded towards a greying Dr. Kadowaki. She still refused to retire, despite her lengthy term of service with Balamb Garden. Mothers never knew when to quit.
Rinoa sat serenely, not in her bed, but in the chair next to it, her eyes skimming over a novel in her hands, her legs resting on the bed. It was one of those trashy romance novels, probably supplied by Dr. Kadowaki, and by the look on her face, she wasn't too interested in the content. He wasn't really surprised, considering the situation.
"Rinoa." Squall uttered nearly soundlessly and stood by the door, trying to seem calm by leaning on the frame.
Rinoa raised her eyes tentatively, her heart-shaped lips curved in her usual warm smile. The book was discarded onto the bed and she leapt up, flying into Squall's arm. Instantly, he remembered the time SeeD had first agreed to work with her; she had done the exact same thing. She was warm against him and fit like a glove, like no time had passed at all, but of course it felt wrong.
"You're far too thin." Rinoa reminded him again, clasping his sides.
Squall flushed and looked away. "I'm working on that."
"Good." She pursed her lips. "You know we have to talk about… us, right?"
Squall exhaled, guiding Rinoa to the bed and sitting with her. "I'm glad you brought it up. It's not been easy for me, to say the least."
"I'm here now?" Rinoa smiled and caressed Squall's back.
Even though it was intended to comfort, it was as though guilt permeated through his skin from her hands.
"Rinoa." Squall swallowed and brushed his hair back with his fingers. It was too long, now.
Rinoa pursed her lips again, nodding as if understanding. "Out with it."
"A lot has happened in the last week." Squall's heart and head thudded. "And I know for you it feels like no time has passed and you probably love me just as much as you did when we sealed you away-"
"No." Rinoa interrupted, tears forming in her almond eyes. "Hyne… I kept telling myself that you may have moved on but… fuck. It hurts."
"I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry." Pain filled Squall's chest to near unbearable levels. "But I had to tell you as soon as I was able."
A tear slid down Rinoa's cheek and she started to shake. "Do you still... love me?"
"Not like you want me to. But I do care for you very much. I'm so sorry." Squall debated holding her hand, because it probably wouldn't help.
"Who is she? Is it Quisty?" Rinoa sobbed, reaching for the tissues by her bedside.
"No! No… it's not Quistis. It's not…" Squall prayed for more oxygen in his breath. He could do this. "It's not a woman."
It was at this point that Squall was lucky he still had his wits about him, because he had to use them to avoid a swift fist in the direction of his face.
"Fuck. You." Rinoa heaved breathlessly as he restrained her flailing limbs. "Who is it?"
Another swallow and pause.
"Don't you think I deserve to know?! Rinoa shrieked as she slowly lost the energy to continue fighting.
Squall braced himself. "It's Seifer."
"Him? You've got to be kidding me…" Rinoa started to sob again. "How… why!?"
"I don't know. It just happened." Squall could feel the energy draining from him as this conversation continued. There was nothing he could say that would make it right.
Rinoa balled her fists again. "Hooking up with your once-enemy doesn't 'just happen'."
"It did." Squall paused. "We did talk about this before you were frozen, Rinoa. There was a possibility that I could not wait for you and would maybe find someone else-"
"-but Seifer?!"
"I can't explain it, and I have said enough." Squall spoke abruptly. "You know I feel terrible, and I do, but I can't continue to elaborate to someone who doesn't want to hear it. I still want to be your friend and I will do what I can, but I can't love you like…"
Rinoa was readying another fist. "Like you love him?"
Her words floated out effortlessly, completely unexpected and not entirely the correct continuation of his sentence, but that bomb dropped regardless.
"I'm leaving to give you time to think about it." Squall stood up and walked out, refusing to look back.
She didn't reply.
