Chapter Thirteen - Where I Belong

I wanna see right through you, wanna keep you 'til you're dust and bone

Wanna love you 'til my heart stops beating, wanna hold you 'til you turn to stone

I wanna be where I belong - right by your side again

Longfellow - Where I Belong

After taking a breather by the fountain for a few moments, Squall did not feel quite so suffocated. He had expected it would turn out like that; Rinoa would not take it well, and she hadn't at all. Nevertheless, he was glad it was out there. She could choose to ignore him, which he would have to deal with, but he prefered that they deal with it and move on. He couldn't stand baggage; he'd enough of that already.

Squall made his way to his office and called Quistis up. He had already had enough of this day, exhaustion seeping into the corners of his mind and beckoning him to find refuge. His fingers pressed into his temples and the stray thought entered his mind 'is it worth it?'. Was this thing with Seifer worth the pain he caused Rinoa? Was he even allowed to be selfish and think about what he needed? No, that thought had already sent him into darkness before. Quistis had always said that he needed to take more for himself, that his selflessness would be the death of him.

"Hey, boo." Quistis knocked softly on the door, ignoring his pained expression at his new pet name, and sat down in a plush armchair across from his desk. "How did it go?"

Squall struggled a little while to find the words and assort them in a way that made sense. "Exactly as you could imagine." Squall inspected his mottled reflection on his brushed metal desk. "It's not like I don't understand. Time hasn't gone by for her, so going from being in a relationship to your partner moving on to someone else, particularly a man, it must be fucking hard."

Quistis blinked. "You told her."

His best friend flinched when he suddenly threw his arms up in frustration. "She pretty much begged it out of me. And I owe her the truth, don't I?"

Quistis stood and strode round to Squall's side of the desk, placing her hand on his shoulder and squeezing it tenderly. "I wasn't expecting you to take it that far, but I suppose it's good that it's out in the open. It's just…"

"What?" Squall peered up at her, her eyes focused on the view of Balamb Island outside.

"Well, for starters, you've been intimate with Seifer for what, a day or so? How are you so sure that you aren't just being swept along in your time of need? Are you so sure that this 'thing' with Seifer is something to throw everything you had with Rinoa away for?"

Squall breathed in sharply, surprised. "You know you're being really contradictory right now, right? And you're right, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."

Quistis sat on the wide arm of his chair, ruffling his hair affectionately. "I'm giving you something to think about. But if you want my honest opinion, I believe this has been brewing for years, so I'm not exactly surprised that it has all come to a head within a few days. I mean, seeing your face cut open like that, that really hit home for me. The whole Rinoa thing was a huge shock, because I was so sure that your heart was somewhere else. But now it's like my initial thoughts have been confirmed." She smiled cheekily, much to Squall's irritation.

"You're welcome, I guess." Squall sighed shakily, all the thoughts clouding his normally okay judgement. This was something that he knew he couldn't figure out like everything else. "I know I did love Rinoa, but it's like comparing apples to oranges. In the last few days I've felt more alive than I ever have, as cheesy as it sounds."

"You're in love. You two are hopelessly in love with each other." Quistis said very matter-of-factly. "Imagine what would have happened if you'd realised it when you were 17, Squall. None of that rivalry bullshit. You'd have gone and fought the sorceress together. Sure it would have been pretty awkward with Rinoa around, but nothing like it is now. You two are the biggest, blindest idiots I've ever met."

Quistis' words were ringing in Squall's head, ringing right into him, resonating with everything he already knew. Damn her.

"Thank you for your kind words, Quistis." Squall shoved her off his chair playfully, Quistis feining extreme pain. "I don't know if I love him or not, yet. But I feel like I'm trampling all over Rinoa right now. It's not the most pleasant feeling, as much as…" he paused.

"Fucking Seifer is?" Quistis finished for him, in only so many words, her face a picture-perfect rendition of mischief itself.

"Get out." Squall pointed towards the door to his office, feeling like a scorned child. "I don't want to talk to you like this."

Quistis held her hands up in defeat. "Okay, okay. I have to find Xu anyway before she steals you all to herself for the day." That face again. "Just remember this Squall - as much as you feel guilty about Rinoa, she knew this might happen, and she did what she did knowing that. You are allowed to enjoy your life and to love someone else. I know you're going to find it hard to give yourself that permission, since you're the biggest glutton for punishment I know, so I'm giving it to you, if that helps."

Even after Quistis was long gone, Squall couldn't figure out what to do. Every time he saw Seifer in the flesh it was like he didn't have to think. Everything was intrinsic and instinctive and what he wanted was so easy to find. It was the battle in his head that was messing him up. Perhaps Quistis was right; the adrenaline of their encounters pre-war could have been easily something else, because they'd never even comprehended being romantically, let alone sexually involved with each other. If he thought back to those battles, especially the fist fights, the thought of them lapsing into a pile of sexual frustration and rutting didn't seem crazy at all. If they had only considered it, it would have been perfectly natural. But they were young and stupid, blinded by the world, Garden and the war. Their personalities and motivations had been skewed by everything other than what they actually wanted in their lives.

Seifer watched him quietly from a shadow in the secret area as was his current penchant. He was slightly amazed he hadn't been discovered yet. The last few days had been crazy, and he knew that Squall's mind was going a mile a minute trying to figure everything out. A little birdy had told him that Rinoa was clued in about the situation already and not particularly happy about it, but it made sense given Squall was honour-bound not to keep that sort of thing a secret from her. That was going to be pretty rough for her, for sure, but he knew Rinoa. She would get through it.

"Seifer."

The soft, slightly velvety tone of his voice nearly sent him reeling. He was going to have to work hard to keep that new development under control. He couldn't be getting aroused every time he spoke, could he.

Seifer smirked, unveiling himself and walking up to the railing. "Hey. Busy day?"

"Like you wouldn't believe." Squall murmured, Seifer not missing a flash of his flask as he concealed it in his jacket. His bomber jacket. Talk about nostalgia. Memories of the fur on that jacket being drenched with blood from his face flooded back to him. What fools they had been. He had been.

Silence passed between them as the central tower light pulsed in the distance, their proximity comfortable.

"How were your classes?" Squall spoke quietly, just barely above the hum of electricity dimly lighting the area. He sounded tired.

Seifer sighed, pessimistic. "Disappointing. No real stand outs, but I still have hope that they will show up once they get their asses into gear. This place has gotten soft, no offence."

"None taken." Squall waved it off. "It's not like I've been in the mood to imbue fighting spirit in my students considering my shut-in status and less than pleasant mood."

"Maybe this is something we can work on. You'll be leading them into battle eventually, and our battle in the training area seemed to do something for them. They'll need to see more of that." Seifer reached around Squall's midsection, retrieving the flask from his inner pocket. He nearly didn't pick up on Squall's shudder as he did so, but he was thrilled that he did.

Squall frowned from Seifer's action. "Probably wouldn't have helped if they'd seen you make out with me behind that fog, though."

Seifer chuckled, amused by the memory. "Probably not." He took a swig from the flask. "How do you always know it's me, though, hiding here like a creep?"

"I know someone is there, because I can hear and feel it. Knowing that it is you, well… You have a distinctive smell." Squall flushed, knowing that what he had just said was ridiculous, but he had no other way to describe it. It wasn't unpleasant at all; it was actually quite comforting. "Don't laugh." He pouted in disdain at Seifer's gleeful grin.

"Okay, princess." Seifer swiftly dodged a swipe at this face. "I like the way you smell too."

Seifer drew in closer, his nose an inch away from his lover's hair, his hand tentatively placed on his hip.

Squall visibly shuddered. "Seifer. You know we can't do this here." And he drew away, as quickly as they had gotten close.

Seifer could feel himself getting frustrated quickly. This was when his fighting instinct kicked in; when he wanted something, but he was being denied. He had never been great at not getting what he wanted. His whole life he had been determined not to let things slide.

A flush drew across Squall's face after he noticed the look in Seifer's eyes. He knew what he was trying to do, and it what it could mean. "Seriously. I think we should give it a rest for now. Until I sort my head out. Until Rinoa calms down."

"How long could that take though, Squall?" Seifer huffed, irritated. "Do you really want that? And I hate to break it to you, but when it comes to helping your emotional turmoil, you're better off leaving it to people around you, like Quistis, Matron or me."

Squall strode back, obviously angry. "Fuck you-"

"-You lie to yourself, Squall." Seifer caught his arm, Squall nearly falling backwards. "You tell yourself that you don't deserve to be happy. Shit, Quistis and Matron told me that much, but I can even tell. No fucking wonder you've been in a cycle of self-deprecation." Squall yelped as he was pulled close to Seifer's body, his hands on the larger man's chest. "You don't need to overthink this. Just… go with the flow."

Words of protest were cut short as Seifer kissed him roughly, revelling in his prize, feeling the protest wane as their lips and tongues slid together, eliciting murmurs of pleasure from the smaller man. Seifer could feel him melting against his hands sliding down his lower back to his ass, gently squeezing the flesh there. It felt like he had won jackpot when a deep groan vibrated from Squall's throught. He nearly felt victorious.

"Seifer. Stop." Surprisingly strong hands pushed him back, out of their embrace. "Just cool it."

Squall brushed his hand through his hair, the tent in his trousers deliciously apparent. "I can't do this with you right now, right here. As much as you say that I should just go with it, I can't do it. Please… just respect that."

And just like that, the little bastard got away. Rage and unspent arousal flowed through Seifer's body. He couldn't let this happen to him again, but he did have respect for Squall. And if he needed time, he would give it. How much though, was limited.

The following week up until the following Friday, Seifer instilled the fear of Hyne in his students. And he knew it. His sour mood was increasing by each day the Commander didn't speak with him, and he couldn't believe he was even allowing this depravity to persist. It certainly wasn't what he was used to, yet he had never wanted anyone or anything more than he wanted Squall. How fucking long was it going to take for ice princess to think things through? Maybe he was trying to figure out whether he really liked Seifer, and maybe he didn't as much as he thought.

A female student squealed a split-second after Seifer's fist connected with a pillar. Surely not. Their chemistry was undeniable, like the whole universe made sense. Fuck. Maybe he was in deeper than he thought. As much as the sex was world-shattering, he would kill just to be with him right now. He was done waiting.

And Rinoa. Fuck her. She was walking about Garden like a deity, the students nearly prostrating themselves in her presence. Not that she could avoid that, given her sacrifice now being common knowledge and the fact the whole student body feared her. He knew she and Squall had been hanging out, too. Quistis was holding back what she knew, but she had shared some information, probably because she thought him utterly pathetic and needed something to keep him going. Xu had been on his case more than once also, not happy with his attitude in class, following up on numerous complaints from the students apparently. They could suck it the fuck up. He had noticed results from them, despite his poor attitude, and he knew it was for the best. The enemy would be a heck of a lot meaner, anyway.

After class, Seifer restlessly wandered Garden, out of boredom and lack of stimuli. There wasn't a lot to do around here in his downtime, and the monsters in the training center were no real challenge for him. Squall was challenging, especially now.

Lo and behold, like he had been summoned, there he was by the front gate. With Rinoa. So he could hang with her, his ex, yet not with his romantic interest and the best fuck he had ever had. He felt like tearing her from him and throwing her halfway across Balamb garden, but he knew what this was. He had never been great with jealousy, either. His whole deal with Squall was partly due to jealousy, anyway.

Yet, he was walking towards them with purpose, as though driven by his body and not his normally rather rational brain.

"Squall, we need to talk." Seifer felt himself talk, his mouth moving on its own.

Rinoa frowned, shuffling closer to Squall, as a display of dominance. "Can't it wait? We were in the middle of something."

FUCKING bitch. Seifer suppressed the sneer he was feeling with his entire being. He had not talked with Rinoa since she had woken, and he knew she didn't want to, given the whole messy situation they were all in. Oh, and to her it would have only been a year since he had been exiled. Her wounds were still fresh.

"Squall, feel like talking for yourself?" Seifer shoved her away mentally. "You owe me an explanation."

Rinoa stood up from the bench. "He doesn't owe you anything. Back off."

"Rinoa, please." Squall stood up with her. "I'm sorry Seifer, I'm not ready yet."

Her victorious smirk was like a stab in his chest. The resulting murderous thoughts flooded his brain, and he tried to quickly censor them.

"Fine." He hated himself for backing down so easily, but he wasn't going to win Squall's heart by fighting, he knew. As much as he really wanted to stab Rinoa in the face with his gunblade. "See you whenever."

The rest of the day passed, yet Seifer could feel his rage was not subsiding. He had tried to use all the techniques his shrink had recommended back when he had started his exile, but it felt like they weren't doing any good this time. Talking with Quistis had been futile, as she respected Squall's privacy, but she had told him to be patient. That was the only promising thing she had said, and hyne, he was going to hold on to it. Not that being patient had ever helped him, but he had been the most patient in the last week than he probably had in his memory.

After a cold shower that didn't help, Seifer could feel his anger warping into desperation. He hated being desperate, but he could feel Squall slipping out of his hands as quickly as he'd fallen into them. A part of him couldn't believe that could happen, but the last week had imbued him with so much doubt that it was hard to shake the worry. He was falling back into his old insecurities.

Seifer laid back on his bed, wet hair soaking the bed spread, the wet towel around his waist chilling his skin. His eyes had barely closed when a banging against his door jolted them right open again.

"Who the fuck…" Seifer pulled the towel tighter around his waist as, disgruntled, he pushed the door button so it slid open.

Squall's face was pained, as though he had been through a great battle, his mouth parted in exasperation. His eyes trailed over Seifer's body as though he was drinking in a desert, his body trance-like as it walked into his room.

The door slid closed behind him.

"You want to ta-"

Seifer's attempt of talking first and grabbing later was truncated by Squall's desperate hands around his neck and lips on his. Squall was all but devoured, Seifer grasping his body to his fervently.

"Wait- Squall." Words of betrayal to himself. "Hold on."

Seifer held Squall's wrists firmly, not completely believing he was doing this. "Are you sure? Because you've been fucking me around all week. There's no backing out now."

The brunette paused momentarily, some clarity evident on his face. "I don't want to back out. I'm in this for the long haul."

The gravity of what he was saying hit Seifer like a tonne of bricks. "Did you just ask me out?"

Squall pouted childishly, annoyed by the sudden change in mood. "Not in so many words! Hyne, Seifer."

"You're my lover now." Seifer let the words warm his mouth, liking the aftertaste. Squall's irritation was the icing on the cake. That frustrated, irritated glare of his only stoked the flames. He just wanted to see it melt. "Now, now," Seifer murmured into Squall's ear, "I'm just happy. I want to be your lover, too."

Squall shivered involuntarily against him and Seifer was reminded of his rampaging lust for the man whom he had bedded what seemed like years ago. He knew how to be a lot more patient now, but still, he had needs to satisfy. His lips found Squall's and he rolled them between his teeth, his hands sliding up Squall's shirt and along his lean back muscles. His body felt ridiculously good against him, even as thin as he was. Squall keened up against him flush, Seifer's towel long discarded, hard cock digging against his partner's. Seifer had never seen a man remove his clothing so quickly; it was like the world depended on it. Burning skin fell flush again, their cocks now deliciously slick against each other's.

"I'll never, ever get sick of this." Seifer inhaled deeply as he laid Squall on the bed, gripping his hips roughly. Perhaps he could use his newly-found patience to make his lover really squirm.

And so he hovered above Squall's glistening length, seeing it jut out from time to time, eager for sensation. He blew from the bottom to the top and down again, Squall's hips also jutting out, his head thrown back in frustration.

"Seifer… what the fuck!" Squall spat in frustration.

Seifer just held his body down with a firm hand, Squall obviously not wanting to move as he didn't seem to have too much trouble pinning him. "You made me wait all week. Surely you can handle this."

Then he licked slowly, from the bottom of his scrotum, along the base of his cock and up the bulge in the centre. He did not press too hard, lest his lover find relief from it. Just before he reached the sensitive join of the seams and head he stopped. He could feel Squall's frustration reaching fever pitch, the way his hips were moving towards Seifer's face to increase contact.

"Okay, Seifer! You win. I'm sorry for holding out on you. Really sorry. Please… just…"

Seifer grinned widely, looking up at Squall's flushed face and the look of desperation in his eyes.

"Please, what? What do you want me to do?"

And then there was the mortified look on his face. Worth it.

"I can't…"

"You can. Say it." Seifer ordered, gripping his hips, breathing on his cock.

Squall heaved a breath in. "Oh fuck it, Seifer. Suck me. Hard."

In a split-second, Squall was in Seifer's mouth, the deliciously mottled cry of Squall's sending a hot surge down to his own penis. He needed to fuck him very soon, but as much as his own desire drove him, so did Squall's moans. Seifer released Squall with a pop and slid up to face his lover. Heat spread in his chest, aching, something completely different to the aching in his nether regions.

"I love you," Seifer uttered softly, not surprised at all that he had chosen those words to say. He knew he had been holding on to that feeling for a long time, not wanting to admit it to himself, but always knowing.

Long lashes fluttered in surprise. Squall's lips were parted, as though he was intending to speak, the words being lost before they were released.

"You don't have to reply," Seifer reassured, "I have been meaning to say that for a long, long time. I don't expect you to feel the same, at all, I just -"

"- I love you too, you idiot." Squall quipped, embarrassed, as his hands slid up Seifer's back. "I had a while to think."

"Fuck, this is sappy as hell. Now that we have that out of the way..."

Strong hands gripped Squall's lean thighs, hitching them up so that he was spread bare. And his mouth was on him again, Seifer relishing the feel of the flesh in his mouth, pulsing and straining. He was not going to last very long, and as much as he felt victorious that he could push Squall over the edge so quickly, a part of him still wanted to punish the man for keeping him in limbo for so long. Seifer abandoned the member in front of him and licked lower towards Squall's puckered entrance. The now deeper flush on Squall's face was absolutely worth it.

"Seifer… stop-"

Squall's words were cut short as Seifer drew his tongue along the crevice, dipping in slightly as he went. The strangled moan in reply from Squall pulled at Seifer's already frayed patience, but he persevered, lapping now, noticing Squall's fists clenched into the bed sheets, and his cock weeping onto his stomach.

And he pressed with his tongue, Squall's body quaking in response. He could only imagine what it would be like when he eventually got around to fucking him.

Fuck it.

Seifer quickly slathered his cock with lube, lowering it to Squall's entrance.

"I gotta warn you, I ain't going to be gentle." Seifer inhaled harshly and pressed firmly.

Squall's eyes shot open and his arms gripped Seifer's shoulders sharply. "Seifer…!"

Quakes were still racking Squall's body as he moved as slowly forward as he could, knowing Squall had not had any action for a while, and he could feel how tight he was. Gripping Squall's slick cock, he pumped to distract from any pain, and pushed right to the hilt.

Squall's head shot back as he arched in pleasure, his body shaking as fluid splashed all over Seifer's hand and Squall's own stomach.

Seifer was in disbelief. He knew he was close, but he didn't realise he was that close. Grinning, Seifer thrusted more roughly, as though he now had permission. Squall continued to gasp in pleasure, now meeting Seifer's thrusts, his penis never wilting. This man was a marvel.

"Fuck Seifer," Squall grunted as Seifer continued to thrust, "harder…"

Seifer could only fulfill his request and he thrusted with such ferocity that he knew he was not going to last much longer. Squall was far too sexy and he was far too turned on.

"I'm going to come again-" Squall panted in between moans, his body shaking much harder this time around. Seifer was in disbelief again; how a man like this existed was beyond his comprehension, but he was incredibly fortunate to be fucking him right now.

Seifer grasped Squall's sopping erection, which was apparently the straw that broke the camel's back, and he shuddered intensely as his orgasm overtook him. Seifer couldn't hold back from his either, and he came deep inside his lover, the power of the orgasm nearly staggering him. Aftershocks continued long after Squall smiled contentedly up at him, the sight of which trumped anything he had ever seen.