He woke up with a start. He looked around his room and no one was there. He felt on edge but not the same as before. He didn't remember what happened after he woke up before. He just knew that he had remembered being in the hospital and seeing Nick. Where was Nick now? Then it came to him again, what was carved into his chest. Nick probably left him due to that, knowing it was true. He wished he had died in that horrible motel room. He wished Frankie hadn't taken so much time in trying to kill him and then perhaps he would have gotten his wish.
He moved to try to get up and didn't realize now much he still hurt and was weak. Everyone will know you were a Whore when they see your dead body carved with the word. He remembered Frankie telling him this. The only problem was he was not dead and everyone still would know. Cop's Whore, he barely remembered the final addition as the pain had overcome him. But he couldn't forget the chant, the chant that drilled itself into his head. Once a Whore, always a Whore. It repeated in his head again, becoming his sole focus.
"Greg? Greg!" He turned his head startled at his name being called. It was his Psychiatrist, Dr. Keyes. His face seemed concerned.
"Greg, you can hear me?" asked the doctor as he came closer to the bed. Greg looked at him and nodded his head.
Dr. Keyes smiled. "That's good. Are you cold? You are shaking some." Greg hadn't even noticed he was shaking but he was not cold. He shook his head. Dr. Keyes took a seat. "So you are not cold?" Greg shook his head again.
Dr. Keyes noticed he was making no effort to talk. "Is there a reason you can't speak to me, Greg?" Greg glanced at his doctor and then out the window. "Jaw hurts," was all he said. He was embarrassed to say more since his jaw was mostly hurting due to having the gag ball in his mouth for so long.
"Okay I'll try to keep the questions easy. Do you remember everything that happened?"
Greg kept his gaze towards the window, which was small but he could see it was a sunny day out. He nodded his head in response. Dr. Keyes was pleased that the pills seemed to be helping him stay a bit calmer this time around, knowing he remembered everything and had not freaked out again.
"You know the cops are going to want to talk to you about what happened; ask questions," Dr. Keyes informed him. Greg looked at him and shook his head. "No, no cops…none," he said while showing some angst.
"Not even Nick?" Dr. Keyes wondered. One thing he knew that Greg had not noticed was that Nick was standing outside the door, listening in. He had stopped Nick from going in before him and told him to let him talk to him alone. He said he would tell him to come in if he felt Greg was ready.
Greg shook his head vigorously this time. "NO! Definitely not Nick," he said, sounding more upset with each word.
"Okay, but is it because of what was cut into you; what it said?"
Tears started to fall, so Greg closed his eyes. He nodded. "I'm a whore," he said through sobs. Dr. Keyes saw Nick outside make a move to come in and he quickly shook his head for him to stay away.
Nick wanted so badly to tell Greg he wasn't, that he didn't think that of him. He just wanted him to know that he loved him and he did nothing wrong. It killed him to hear him say it with such agony.
"You're not. I happen to know that Nick does not think you are one. He loves you and wants you to be well. What you did in your past he forgave you for months ago. Don't you remember? You didn't deserve what happened to you." Dr. Keyes remembered the sessions he had with Greg back in the emotional health facility, trying to get him to move on with his past and start anew.
"I lied to him," Greg sobbed out.
"What did you lie to him about?" the doctor asked, curious to what he was referring to.
"I didn't tell him about Frankie. I didn't tell him about Shane. I didn't tell him about being on drugs again. I am a lying whore. Frankie was right; once a whore, always a whore," he cried out in torment. He covered his face with his hands, not wanting want anyone to see how disgusting he was.
Dr. Keyes glanced at Nick, who stood outside with tears in his eyes. He knew he wanted to come in so badly but he might make Greg close himself off completely again if he did.
"Frankie was a horrible, miserable man. What he did to you in that motel room does not make you a whore. He took you against your will and tortured you. He wanted you to suffer. He wanted you to feel more miserable than he did." Dr. Keyes wasn't sure he would get through to him this early on but he had to try to start somewhere.
"He was going to kill me. I wish he had," Greg said quietly as he pulled his hands away from his face and looked at the doctor with a broken look.
That is what Dr. Keyes was afraid of, saying what he just had. That he wished he was dead. Greg had been suicidal before and he had no doubts these events would make him that way again. "Do you want to kill yourself?" he asked bluntly.
Greg kept his gaze on him. He didn't answer. The doctor knew anyway.
"You know I'll have to put you under a suicide watch," Dr. Keyes told him. Greg didn't seem to care anymore. He shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, I can hardly move without pain right now anyway, so not much I could do here." Greg looked away and out the window again. He didn't want to talk anymore. He wanted the man to leave.
Dr. Keyes could read his patient well. He stood up and pulled a needle out of his coat pocket. "I'm going to give you a sedative to help you sleep some. We will talk more later on."
Greg didn't even care when he stuck him with the needle. He had tuned out the world around him. He decided he shouldn't have said anything about wanting to die but he was too emotional at the time.
Dr. Keyes walked out to see Nick sitting on a bench outside with his hands covering his face. He had been through a lot in the past few months living with Greg and he knew this had to top all of it. He knew that Nick felt guilty about what happened to Greg. They had not talked much about it but he knew.
He sat down next to Nick. Nick looked up at him. He looked almost as miserable as Greg did. "He thinks I think he deserved this. I have to be able to tell him that he is wrong," Nick said to him woefully.
"He doesn't think that, Nick. He's confused because of what was done to him and said to him but deep down I think he knows the truth. It's just going to be hard to get to that part of him. All he sees right now is everything on the surface, especially those cuts. Those will be the hardest to try to get him to look past."
"I just want to see him, talk to him," Nick sighed heavily. "You will get your chance, just be patient." He heard the doctor but it was hard to be.
"It's not your fault either, Nick. You are not responsible for what that man did to him. I know you are blaming yourself," Dr. Keyes finally said to him after a few moments of silence. He knew it was what he was thinking.
"If I had never made him leave, he would not have been where he was to get taken by him," Nick said to him.
"That maybe but if Frankie was determined to get Greg at some point, he would have. You already know he had approached him at work a few times. He could have just as easily grabbed him after work."
Nick knew he was right. Frankie had him as his main target and he would have found some way to capture him. He wished he could get more details from Greg on Frankie and their previous encounters that he failed to tell him about.
"Look Nick, try to go home and get some sleep. You can't do anything for now. Maybe later on Greg will be open to seeing you. You want to be there for him 100%, don't you?" Nick nodded that he did. "Then get some rest and come back so you can help him."
Nick didn't want to leave but he knew the doctor was correct. He had been up for countless hours and was ready to collapse.
"You'll take good care of him?" He asked for reassurance from Dr. Keyes.
"Yes, I will. You just take care of yourself," the doctor said as he patted Nick on the back as they both stood up. He took two pills out of his pocket. "These will help you sleep better, take them." Nick nodded before saying goodbye and heading home.
Once he was home, he looked around his house and walked over to the bookshelf. He picked up a photo of him and Greg that they took on their time in California, after he had been released from The Desert Emotional Health Center. They were standing on the beach together with the sunset behind them. Greg looked so happy and well in that photo. Life had been good the first couple of months after his release from there. Then things started to turn some, him becoming a little more depressed after looking for jobs and having no luck. Even though he had a job, recently he still seemed kind of unhappy. He was obviously unhappier than he admitted if he had turned to drugs again, but he remembered Shane mentioning Frankie causing Greg some stress. Frankie really was to blame for that probably but Nick should have paid better attention to his boyfriend, the man he loved. Then none of this would have happened to Greg. He had failed him.
He sighed and looked at the two pills the doctor gave him. He figured he would never sleep without some help so he grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator and took the pills.
Several hours later Nick had woken up feeling fairly refreshed. He took a shower and ate something before heading to the hospital. He was going to try to see if Greg would talk to him today. He was determined to get through to him.
Greg was not having a good morning. He had to have his bandages changed. It was his first time seeing the damage done to him after his ordeal. It was also rather painful. Dr. Keyes had given him a sedative to calm him down before as he started showing signs of a panic attack.
When Greg saw the stitches over some of the cuts, he could still see the words. He would always see the words, even if the future skin grafts covered them. He would always know what was done to him and those words would haunt him for the rest of his life.
He was very quiet when they finished. Dr. Keyes tried to talk to him but he was not in the mood to talk. Dr. Keyes said he would try again later in the day. He figured he was dealing with some pain.
Greg laid in silence in his room. His mind was thinking back on that motel room and what happened. He was startled when he heard the door open. He saw Nick walk in. He felt mixed emotions when he walked in the door.
"I told them I didn't want to see you," he said to Nick. Nick came over and sat down. He didn't care. He wanted to talk to him and see why he didn't want to see him.
"So I have heard. I want to know why you don't want to see me. Do you think I can't handle what happened to you? Do you think I don't still care for you? Well I do," Nick told him. He noticed Greg started glaring at him.
"You put me here. It's your fault," Greg seethed. Nick was taken back a little by what he said. "Was it because I kicked you out after I found out you were on drugs again?"
Greg shook his head. Nick just didn't get it. "You saved me. You saved me again when I didn't want to be saved!" Nick's mouth was agape. It was not what he was expecting at all. "I don't understand."
Greg's anger turned to weariness. "I was waiting for him to finish me off. I never wanted to live after what he did to me, that's what I mean. I wanted to die but you had to come in again and save me. Stop saving me, just stop. I don't want you here because you remind me that I have to somehow live with myself now and it is your fault."
If Nick felt good before he didn't anymore. Greg would rather be dead. He didn't want him around because he saved his life. He never dreamed that was the reason. He didn't know how to respond.
Greg saw Nick at a loss for words. "Now you should probably leave," he said quietly before turning his head away from him.
Nick had to think of something to say. Then he remembered what he overheard Greg say previously with Dr. Keyes. He needed to get him to talk to him. "You're not a whore, Greg. You are definitely not my whore. My love for you is real and I know yours for me is also."
"You're wrong. There were times I just was there to please you. I was nothing more than a whore; a cop's whore," Greg said timidly.
Nick saw the cycle beginning again. He worried Greg might go back into some zoned out state. "Talk to me, tell me how he grabbed you. I know you didn't go willingly. I saw the security footage."
Greg turned and looked at him, questioning. "There was security footage, where?"
"The Hilton had some in their parking lot. Joe helped us see it. I also knew you were there because I had talked to Shane," Nick told him. He noticed changing the subject some seemed to gain his interest.
"You talked to Shane? What did you do to him?" Greg asked. He figured Nick probably would have loved to beat him up for getting him on drugs again.
"I just questioned him. I could have arrested him, no, I should have arrested him for giving you drugs but crazy enough, I kind of liked the guy. I guess I could see why you felt safe going to him but I hate that you trusted him and not me," Nick said to him, hoping to get him to talk some more.
Greg looked away from him again. "He understands the pull of the drug. You don't, you just think you do."
"Well maybe if you had talked to me about it, I could have tried to understand, but you chose not to."
"It doesn't matter now anyway. Nothing matters now," Greg said in a distant sounding voice. Nick felt a chill from the tone of his voice. It scared him. He didn't know what to say. He could tell him he loved him, but he was not sure that mattered to him at this time.
"Greg, you matter. You matter to me. I don't care what he said you are. It's not what I believe. I know you didn't cheat on me. Shane told me how he made a pass at you and you told him no. He told me that he thought you were lucky because you had me. And you still have me. I will be here for you, whatever it takes," Nick told him as tears came to his eyes. He wanted Greg to understand, he needed him to understand that the scars would not matter to him.
"Your scars, those that he put on you, I don't care what they say. I know it is not true. Please don't let him do this to us." He noticed Greg starting to shake his head, as tears came to his eyes.
"I can't…I just can't," he said with anguish in his voice. Nick was not going to let him give up.
"Yes you can. You just have to believe me and TRUST me. Please, Greg, this doesn't change how I feel about you. I still love you."
But Greg couldn't handle anything he was saying. All he knew was he would never be good enough for anyone anymore. Deep down he knew that a long time ago, he knew one day he would go back to drugs. Frankie had been right he would always be a whore, if not for sex, for the drugs. "Just go away, Nick. Just go away. I don't want you here anymore."
Nick shook his head. "No, I am not leaving. I'll never leave your side."
Greg suddenly turned his head. His eyes were red rimmed and his face wet with tears, but his expression was angered. "Leave! Just leave! I hate you! Just leave. You did this to me. I hate you!" His body shook as he yelled. He was in pain as he yelled but he didn't care. He couldn't stand to see his face or hear his voice anymore. He would say anything to make him leave.
Nick was taken back by his sudden outburst and words. "How can you say I did this to you?"
"Fucking leave, Nick," Greg yelled with all his might.
A nurse rushed in the door and saw the patient all worked up. "Sir, I need you to leave, please," she said to Nick. Nick just looked stunned as he turned from her to Greg, who looked like he was in a lot of pain, but being defiant.
Nick feeling exhausted himself, held his hands up in surrender and walked out the door, crushed and bewildered.
The nurse looked at Greg, who was slowly calming down. She noticed he was gritting his teeth in pain. "I'll get you some more pain medication."
Greg laid back and closed his eyes. He couldn't take it much longer, none of it.
