Nick ran to Dr. Keyes office. "I just talked to Greg. He's blaming me for saving him. He said he hates me." Dr. Keyes was just hanging up the phone as Nick barged in. The nurse had just filled him in on Greg's outburst.
"Nick, please take a seat." He waited for the upset Texan to sit down before saying any more. "I told you to stay away from Greg until I had more time to talk to him."
"Did he tell you that he hates me because I saved him? He wanted Frankie to kill him," Nick said in anguish.
"Nick, we've known that Greg has been suicidal before. We also know that he doesn't think he deserves you and with what happened now, that has to be multiplied by 1000. I will be trying several different techniques to try to make him feel better about himself, but in all honesty, it will be a struggle. What happened to him has to have caused deeply psychological problems that may never surface. He may eventually get over blaming you for saving him and maybe even seem to be on the road to recovery but there could be a trigger for him that we won't know about until it is too late. I just want to warn you. He may have to be institutionalized again for some time."
Nick whole body slumped in the chair with this news. He knew it was possible but didn't realize Dr. Keyes was already thinking that. "Are you trying to say you think that if he is left unwatched, he will take his life?"
The Doctor sighed heavily. "Yes, Nick, that is what I think. But we are getting ahead of ourselves. I have only just begun giving him a different set of medication. Soon I will try to talk to him more and see where it goes. I don't want you to give up all hope but I also want to be realistic about this. He was never completely repaired before this. He still had many, many doubts and I know he kept them from you. He tried to keep them from me in our sessions but I can see when my patients are lying to me."
Nick closed his eyes. "I'm not sure I am as strong as I thought I was. I'm trying so hard to be there for him, but if he keeps like this, I'm afraid I might blow up at him."
"Nick, there is only so much you can do and take. I understand that. But you need to be careful, if you are feeling this way. Blowing up at him could trigger an unpleasant reaction from him." Nick just buried his face in his hands.
"Nick, go home and get some rest. Give him time. It hasn't been that long since everything happened. He needs time," Dr. Keyes said to him.
Nick knew he was right. He needed to give Greg more time. So he decided to go by the doctor's orders and went home.
X
He stared up at the ceiling. He was never going to be able to go home if he didn't cooperate and keep control over his emotions. He wished so much he had some heroin to assist him in his task. He just needed to be able to get out of the hospital and be on his own for enough time to finally take care of it all.
He had not tried to move much. He decided to try to sit up. He slowly moved his legs over to the side and began to bend his torso to sit up. He gritted his teeth as the pain from the horrible name carved into his chest began to throb. He managed to completely sit up with his legs over the side of the bed. He sat still as he tried to deal with the pain he was in. He'd been in a lot of pain before but he didn't think it was ever like this. He didn't have a morphine drip to control himself, due to his addiction. He was given shots or pills to control his pain, none of which he had in the last few hours. He was determined to test his ability to move though. He had to get out of this hospital sooner than later.
He placed one foot on the ground and placed his weight on it. He braced himself with his hands on the side of the bed, as he planted his other foot on the ground. He put all of his weight on his feet and legs, which was not as bad as he thought it might be. Then again, his legs were not injured. He was just weak from lying down in bed so many days now. He still had the catheter attached so he knew he had could not move far. Luckily it was on that side of the bed.
He took a small step forward and was proud of his ability to stay upright. He was about to take another step when his door opened up and a nurse came in. She rushed over to him as he almost lost his balance after being surprised with her entrance.
"Mr. Sanders! What are you doing out of your bed? You need to get back into the bed. You are not ready to be walking around yet," she glared at him as she helped him sit back down on the bed.
"I'm tired of being in bed all day. I wanted to see if I could walk at all," he whined some as she made him get back into the bed and lay down.
"Aren't you in pain?" She huffed at him once he was laying down again.
"Yes, but it was worth it. I don't like feeling like I can't escape, I mean after what happened to me," he said to her, trying to play her some to lighten up. He might as well play to what they want to hear if he ever wanted to get out of there.
Her eyes softened some, understanding what he meant. "I'll talk to your doctor to see if we can get your catheter removed so you can perhaps start using the bathroom on your own. That way you get to get out of bed some."
He gave her a small smile. "Thank you!"
"I'll be right back with some pain medication for you," she said to him before leaving him alone for a little while.
He left out a deep sigh when she left. He had not been letting on just how much pain he had been in. Each breath he took hurt in some way. He was covered with bandages and a blanket and yet he could see the words on his chest. He knew what was there causing his pain. It would always cause him pain in some way, no matter what.
His mind briefly betrayed him and let the chorus seep into his head again. Once a whore, always a whore… He brought his hands up to forehead and squeezed it in frustration. "Stop it! Just stop it! You have to stay in control of your emotions," he told himself. He rubbed his hands over his face to compose himself before someone saw him. He wanted to cry but he would not allow himself to. The nurse or doctor might be in soon. He had to seem like he was doing better. They would never let him leave if he didn't.
XxXXX XXXX XXXX
Greg managed to keep himself together when others came in the room for the next few days. It was easier to do since Nick didn't seem to come by for a visit. Maybe he finally listened for him to stay away for a while. He knew that eventually he would have to talk to him. He lived with him, after all. He needed to be able to go home one day soon.
It had been three and a half days since Greg saw his door open and Nick show his face through it. Nick looked tired and weary, like he had not been sleeping well. Greg felt some guilt eat at him for that. He knew when he told him he hated him that had to have affected him.
He stepped inside. "Do you want me to leave?" Nick asked him. Greg looked at him and shook his head a little. "You don't have to if you don't want to."
"I want to talk to you Greg. That's all I want," Nick said as he slowly walked into the room and took a chair next to his bed. He noticed Greg had more color in his face and looked better than he had before.
"You're looking better," the Texan told him.
Deep down Greg didn't feel any better but he had gotten better about his façade. "Yes, I feel better too. They finally removed my catheter so I can get up and use the bathroom on my own now. I walked around the halls today."
Nick smiled. "That's great, Greg! I guess Dr. Keyes was right in saying you needed a little more time on your own. He told me you seem to be in a little better spirits."
"I'm trying, I am. Some moments are harder than others. Mostly the nightmares get me." That last part had been very true. The nightmares pulled him back in and he would awake and hear his voice saying his mantra again. He was learning to focus on getting out of the hospital to achieve his ultimate goal to wipe the mantra away temporarily. It always managed to linger back in when he was alone in his room. But now Nick was there, so he couldn't let it escape its room for now.
"I'm sure. I'm just glad to hear your focusing on the positive," Nick said to him. Greg had been playing Dr. Keyes very well the last two days. He believed he was saying everything he needed to say in order to eventually get released from the hospital without issues. Greg was almost sure he would get his release soon.
"Yeah, it's not easy, but the doctor visited and told me all about the skin grafts that I can get if I want to get rid of the scarring, eventually. I think that has helped," he told Nick. Greg didn't plan on being around long after he got home to need any skin grafts.
Actually he couldn't believe how much his focus on wanting to get home to then be free to finally free himself from this wretched life motivated his ability to play the part.
"Well I'm really happy to hear that. Dr. Keyes was worried about you a few days ago but I guess my being around hindered you're getting better. I hope I don't mess it up for you now," Nick frowned.
"No, I'm sorry I said those things before. I was angry with everyone in the world. All I want to do now is go home and be with you. I just want to try to get past all this crap that happened."
"What about your drug craving?" Nick asked, cautiously.
Greg thought about that a moment, he really had not thought about them much in the last day due to being so focused on his other goal. "I haven't felt a need, really, at all. It sort of surprises even me. Maybe it is because it is why I got in the situation in the first place."
"Yeah, well you don't have to worry. Frankie is dead and will never hurt you again." Nick noticed a slight shiver come from Greg when he said his name.
Upon hearing his name, Greg had a brief flash of Frankie standing over him with the knife, saying his mantra. He had to shake it out of his head before it manifested. "Yeah, yeah he's gone. Let's not talk about that. Let's just talk about what you have been doing the last few days. You haven't been sleeping much, it looks like." Greg had to change the subject.
Nick didn't realize it was that obvious that he had not been sleeping. He ran his hands through his hair. "Yeah, I have not been sleeping well. I guess it's worrying about you."
Greg shook his head. "Don't. I'll get out of here soon, you'll see and we can be together." Even as the words came out of his mouth, he felt guilty since he knew he would not be there for him long. But he had already convinced himself in the long run this would be the best for Nick. Greg knew he would not be able to keep away from drugs for long, once he got out of the hospital. He knew his deep hatred for himself, for who he was, for how he was marked with it, would drive him back to the drugs. He would just keep disappointing him.
"Well I hope that happens soon. I miss you." Greg just smiled back at him. "Yeah, me too."
Nick looked at the time and sighed. "Look, I have to report into work today for a little bit, but I can come back later, if you want."
Greg shook his head. "No, I don't want you to lose more sleep. I'll be fine. You work and then get some sleep. Then you can come by and visit. Maybe by then there will be good news about me being able to go home soon."
Nick tentatively reached out to hold Greg's hand. Greg looked at it a moment before taking it. "I hope so. You take care. I love you, you know that, right?"
Greg nodded. If there was one thing he did know was that; Nick Stokes loved him, perhaps too much and that was the problem.
