"So that's Fili's girlfriend."
"Yep."
"She's pretty."
"Indeed she is. Nice too…"
"…. So why is she with him?"
Kili let out an exaggerated breath, "I have no idea! I've been asking myself the same question!"
Billie grinned, "Maybe she's a psychopath? Oooo! Maybe she's a serial killer!"
Kili laughed, "One that targets virgins!" Billie dissolved into silent chuckles.
"She- "Billie couldn't catch her breath, "she's wanted in 12 states! For- hahahahahaha!"
"They call her the Praying Mantis," Kili struck a storytelling pose, "she lures virgin males into her lair and then!" he slashed a hand across his throat, it was all Billie could do not to fall out of her chair she was laughing so hard. "I shall miss him; he was fun to mess with."
"Wasn't that the plot of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode?" one of Billie's coworkers, Neal asked. The twins had stopped in to say hi while Billie was at work, well really Kili had come to escape the new couple's lovey-dovey-ness which was still at its most annoying.
"That's where she discovered her calling!" Kili was on a roll, "While watching Netflix one night it came to her, what better way to cure her boredom than to start cutting throats?"
"What are you talking about?" Thorin walked behind the desk still in his scrubs, the site of him in mint green sent a cavern-full of bats swooping into Billie's stomach. It brought out his eyes. She stopped laughing.
"Fili is dating a murderer apparently," Neal said, when Kili didn't answer his uncles question.
"The pretty blonde girl is a murderer?" Thorin looked confused. Kili looked away and started fiddling with the three-hole punch next to Billie's computer.
"We were just joking around." Billie said before the silence got too awkward.
"Oh," Thorin looked at his nephew and sighed before turning back to her, "Alright well, you're off soon too right? You want a ride to the house or are the boys going to give you one?"
"No. a ride would be great." Billie said, Thorin smiled at her, he glanced over at Kili again who was now creating a sculpture out of paper clips. Thorin's gaze darkened.
"Fine, meet me out front." He said, sounding harsher than he probably meant to. He turned on one bootied foot and stalked away. As soon as he was out of sight Billie wacked Kili upside the head.
"Ow!" Kili said, rubbing his neck, "what was that for?"
"You're acting like a baby," she said, "just talk to him. Please, the silent treatment has got to stop!"
"I'm not saying anything until he dumps that bimbo!" Kili answered hotly, "I'm right, he's wrong and I'm not apologizing for something that I'm right about"
"But Kili," Billie all but whined, "The awkwardness is reaching new levels. Can't you just grit your teeth and stick it out like the rest of us are doing? We'll all get to say 'I told you so' when she dumps him."
"You don't know her M.O." Fili said, moseying over to join the conversation, "This lady hung on last time for yeeeeaaaaars."
"Your uncle's girlfriend?" Elann asked, Kili nodded miserably, "yeah we met her briefly, she had bitch written all over her hot, pink handbag." Fili who held her hand, planted a kiss on top of it smiling.
"You are so wonderful." He said. Kili made a gagging noise.
"Okay, come on," he said to his brother, "let's go drop Elann off so I don't catch your cooties." He stomped around the desk and started towards the automatic doors, "See you at the house Billie." He called over his shoulder.
"Bye," Elann said, waving as she and Fili glided away on Cloud Nine.
(…And then)
"He is the most frustrating human being of all time!" Thorin blurted out on their drive over the house. He'd changed into his construction clothes. Billie was mildly horrified to realize that her stomach bats liked him even more in faded jeans. They cupped his ass just right. She didn't realize Thorin was talking for a second, she was too busy trying not to stare at him.
"Huh? I'm sorry, what?" she said, shaking her head.
"Kili. He is the most frustrating human being of all time!" Thorin ranted, "He gets this from his mother! She was the passive aggressive queen!"
"Maybe he's just worried about you," Billie said to the dashboard.
"Why would he be worried? I'm a grown man! I can date a woman without having to get my nephews approval!"
Billie forced herself to look at him, she concentrated on his forehead, because everything else was just too distracting at the moment. Maybe her period was coming? It always made her boy crazy and horny as hell. Stupid period, why couldn't Mother Nature choose another way to tell her she wasn't pregnant?
"I'm only guessing here," she said, "But it's just you and the boys now right? You're all each other has?"
"Yes," Thorin's forehead crinkled, "Your point?"
"If my only family was dating someone I thought was bad news I'd fight with them about it too."
Thorin's eyebrows shot up, "So what do you suggest?"
"Show Kili what you like about Iradessa. Prove to him that she's a good egg and he'll lay off." Billie didn't add that she didn't think Iradessa was a good egg at all. It wasn't her place to get involved. Just because he had taken her in didn't mean…anything. "He just doesn't want you to get hurt."
Thorin sighed, "I suppose she doesn't have the best track record, but she's changed!" His forehead was starting to get distracting, not really his forehead but his eyebrows. God, he had great eyebrows, dark, thick and expressive. Nicely shaped too, he must pluck them, no man's eyebrows looked that good all on their own. Billie gave herself a mental slap and tore her gaze away, she stared resolutely out the window. The dandelion population had grown along the sides of the road, wasn't that just…her eyes slid back over to Thorin…fascinating.
"Maybe, if I bring her around more they'll see that." Thorin continued, "to start we could have a dinner together or…something."
"That might work," Billie nodded, her gaze fell on his lap. Crap.
"Okay, that's it, tonight we'll all get dinner!" Thorin glanced over at her, "You didn't have plans did you?"
Billie was shocked out of her perverted thoughts for a moment, "What? I'm coming?"
"Of course you are. I need you to let me know if my nefarious plan is succeeding."
Billie laughed, "your nefarious plan?" Thorin smiled.
"I know big words." They pulled into the houses driveway, Fili was out on the porch cutting floorboards. Thorin rolled down the window to shout at him.
"Fili! Get your brother and get back to Balin's! We're having dinner with Iradessa!"
(…And then)
"So you can't stop staring at his junk for the whole ride, but at the same time you were giving him relationship advice?" Lizzy asked, it was more like a laugh really, a question-y laugh. Billie had come over to borrow a dress and the whole Iradessa story had come spilling out. She sat cross legged on Lizzy's bed, hugging a pillow. Like if she squeezed it tight enough it would make everything less confusing.
"Not the whole time," she explained, "just for the last minute or so." Lizzy tried unsuccessfully to hide her mirth.
"Did it look like a good package?" she asked. Billie buried her face in her pillow.
"You are not helping," she mumbled. Lizzy laughed and put a hand on her shoulder.
"Honey I'm kidding, so you find Dr. Oakenshield attractive, big deal. He is attractive."
"It's not just that," Billie looked up at her, "he's also kind and he has this sort of dry sense of humor that's just, endearing and you should see how much he loves Fili and Kili, I mean. The three of them together are adorable. Plus, he loves westerns, like the novels. He reads Lewis L'Amour like it's going out of style, you know I love when a man reads as much as I do."
So you've got a little crush," Lizzy shrugged, "I think I'm missing the problem."
"The problem is my little crushes tend to evolve into weird, stalker-like tendencies. Remember in the 10th grade when I made us walk by John Dayton's house like 15 times a month, just to see if he'd be working on his car, so we could go talk to him?"
Lizzy frowned, "Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about that."
"Yeah!" Billie exclaimed, "And I can't get weird with this guy. He saved me from living with a bunch of kids selling coke!"
"They wouldn't have been selling coke they would have been selling meth, this is Texas."
"Regardless, I'm pretty much his charity case and because of that he's never going to like me. At least not like that. I need to get that into my head real quick like, or things could get very awkward, very fast." Billie flopped her head back into her pillow.
"I think your overreacting." Lizzy said, patting her back, "So you want to borrow the blue dress or the green?"
(…And then)
"This sucks," Kili grumped, from where he lay on his bed. Fili was holding his hair up with one hand, looking for a rubber band, but he still managed to shrug.
"I hate her too, but what can we do. We can't keep not talking to Thorin forever, it's already hit uncomfortable times a million and it hasn't even been a week." There was a knock on the door.
"Guys can I come in?" Billie called.
"Only if you bear an axe and plan to end my misery!" Kili called. Fili rolled his eyes and let her in. The blue wrap dress she was wearing fit her perfectly, she looked like both sugar, spice and everything nice. Kili stopped bitching and sat up, raising both eyebrows.
"And hubba, hubba to you," he said. Billie glanced at herself in the mirror.
"Is it too much? I can't tell."
"No, it's perfect," Fili smiled at her, then let his hair fall back around his shoulders with an exhausted sigh, "Guess I'm wearing it down."
"You need a hair tie?" Billie fished a bright orange one from the depths of her purse. Fili took it and pulled his golden locks into its usual style.
"So where is Thorin taking us?" Billie asked, sitting next to Kili, "he just said, dress fancy."
"No clue," Kili stood up and pulled a sweater on over his white button up shirt, "but it better have steak, because I'm ordering the most expensive one."
"Kee, do you think you could not act like a brat tonight?" his brother asked. Billie nodded.
"Thorin really wants you to get along with this girl. If you refuse to like her he's eventually going to have to dump her because he cares so much about your feelings, and then he's going to be depressed." She said, "Just let it run its course Kili, no one wants them together, but I don't think their relationship is going to last forever."
"You don't like her either?" Kili asked excitedly, completely missing the point of her little speech.
Billie let her head fall back, "No, I don't like her either, but if you could just try to-
Fili shook his head to her, "give it up Baggins, I've been trying for an hour. He wants us to pull a Parent Trap and send her packing."
"No a Mrs. Doubtfire," Kili grinned, "Let's find out what she's allergic to and poison her."
Billie shook her head at him.
"Boys!" Thorin called up the stairs, "Billie! Let's go."
"Showtime," Kili said, starting towards the hall, Fili caught his arm.
"Please act your age." He begged. Kili grinned impishly.
"Worry not dear brother, I shall be nothing but cordial and polite to the horrible bitch that broke Uncles Thorin's heart into a million pieces." He straightened Fili's collar, patted him on the cheek and skipped downstairs. Billie pushed down her bad feelings and followed. Thorin stood at the bottom of the staircase looking dapper as hell, her mouth went dry.
"He doesn't like you," she told herself, as she descended, "he will never like you, like that. He is out of your league. He is too old for you anyways, he's like 35. You better not be a weirdo tonight Billie Baggins or so help me I'll-
"You look lovely!" Dori came bustling up, "I love your dress." She straightened Fili's collar which had managed to go askew in the two minutes since Kili had done it and then stood back beaming at them all.
"You are the cutest little family," she gushed. Thorin pulled open the door.
"We'll be home late," he said, ushering the twins out the door, "So see you in the morning?"
"Alright loves," Dori waved, "Take care." They strolled out into the Texas night, Fili and Kili hopped into the back of the truck. Thorin took Billie's elbow and helped her into the passenger's seat.
"That is a great dress," he told her before closing the door. Billie glanced over at him once they had started driving and the flashes of streetlight showed his ears to be bright, cherry red.
This was going to be a long meal.
