"Mom," Thorin called, "We're here." A small woman rounded the corner, she had Thorin's eyes and dark hair, but hers was shot through with streaks of silver. She looked like one of those ladies who like to spend all Saturday at the country club. Well if those ladies dressed in a flowing, pink robes and carried around travel mugs full of what smelled like rum.

"Fili? Kili?" Thorin's mom's eyes filled with tears, "Look at you! You're both so handsome!" She wrapped her arms around the stunned twin's necks. "My grandbabies! All tall and grown up!"

"Hi Grandma," Kili said, ducking out from her embrace, "How's the sauce treating you?" Billie elbowed him in the side.

"Oh this?" Thorin's mom held up her mug and winked at him, "this is a magic potion darling, for my nerves. There's more in the fridge if you want a nip."

"No," Thorin said firmly, grabbing Kili by the collar as he started towards the kitchen. The brunette's face fell, Billie disguised a laugh as a cough.

"And who is this young lady?" Thorin's mom said, finally releasing Fili who stepped back so both his brother and his uncle were between him and this crazy relative.

"I'm Billie Ma'am," Billie said, bobbing her head a little in a half curtsying gesture, Thorin's mom did not look like a hand-shaker.

"Madeline," Thorin's mom said, bobbing her own head, "would you like a drink dear?"

"Um- ."

"Billie's had a long flight Mom," Thorin started, "she probably wants to rest - ."

"Oh pish," Madeline said, threading her arm through Billie's, "A drink is just what she needs. Now, you take the suitcases up to the rooms Thorin, I'd have Gregory do it, but his knees are not what they used to be." She turned to the twins, "He is still quite the chef and is at this moment preparing dinner, but if you want a little snack beforehand I'm sure he could whip you something up." Fili and Kili were already heading towards the kitchen.

"Come along dear," Madeline lead Billie into the front parlor were a truly impressive amount of alcohol was displayed on a built in bar.

"Woah," Billie exclaimed. Madeline set down her mug and turned to her sharply.

"Stand up straight for a moment," she ordered, "let me have a look at you." She walked around Billie in a slow circle like a vulture targeting roadkill. Billie wished she had worn something other than her jeans and sneakers. At least her shirt didn't have a Captain America logo on it or anything. It was actually one of her nicer ones, something she had picked up for work a few weeks ago while shopping with Lizzy.

"Thank God, you aren't a twig, like that other girl that Thorin sent me a picture of a few Christmases back. I could have broken her with my bare hands, blonde bimbo that she was." Billie got the feeling she knew who Madeline was referring to. "And you seem intelligent, Thorin tells me you read often."

"Yes ma'am, but -" Billie wanted to explain about her and Thorin being "just friends", but his mom cut her off.

"Madeline, dear. I'm not going to eat you, you understand, I just want to know a little bit more about you. I haven't really spoken to my son in almost 20 years and now he brings you to his father's - ." she broke off with a gulp, her eyes filling up with tears again. Hastily, she took a drink from her mug.

"I'm so sorry for your loss Madeline," Billie said, laying a hand on Thorin's mom's arm. The older woman gave her a watery smile.

"Thorin's father never forgave him for supporting his sister after she got pregnant," she said, sinking onto one of the couches, "but I never understood why it was such a surprise. Those two were thick as thieves from the moment Driscella was born."

"Driscella?"

"Dis was her nickname," Madeline explained, taking another fortifying gulp, "I refused to name such a pretty girl after one of those ugly stepsisters in Cinderella, but it was my mother-in-laws name and I was high on pain killers and next thing I knew, that is what she was legally called." Billie chuckled.

"She was always such a good girl," Madeline explained, "had her father wrapped around her little finger and then she fell in with that Frenir and next thing we knew," she sighed, "I told Thrain we could have raised the boys, pretended they were a late pregnancy, but he would have none of it." Her lower lip started trembling, "It seems so stupid now that they are both gone." Billie put a hand on her knee.

With a sniff Madeline stood up and went to the bar, "I refuse to continue drinking alone. What will you have dear?"

"Do you have any beer?" Billie asked. Madeline sniffed.

"Beer is a loutish drink. You're not a lout are you?" Billie wasn't sure how to respond, she also wasn't entirely sure what lout meant. Madeline continued without needing her answer.

"I certainly hope you aren't or my son will have a lot of explaining to do," she scanned the various bottles, and pulled one out with an exclamation of triumph. "Aha! Here we are, vodka!"

"Thorin and I are just friends," Billie interjected not knowing when she'd get another chance to say this. Thorin's mom glanced up at her as she proceeded to create her a concoction, "I probably should have pointed that out earlier." Madeline rolled her eyes and handed her a beverage, just smelling it made Billie's eyes water.

"If my son talked about all of his friends like he talks about you I would wonder about his sexuality. Don't be naïve dear, it is beneath you." Billie once again was at a loss for words. To cover the silence, she took a sip of her drink and nearly spat it back out. It tasted like fire.

"Strong," she croaked. Madeline grinned.

"That's the way a lady drinks them dear. Especially when she is going to be forced to listen to conversations about the stock market all evening. In fact I was sipping a drink very much like that the night I met Thorin's father - ."

(...And Then)

"How long are we going to leave Billie at Grandma's mercy?" Kili asked, leaning against the counter watching as Thorin stirred a pot of sauce. Greg pulled the lamb chops from the oven and inserted a meat thermometer.

"I've been trying to come up with a decent excuse." He explained, he paused mid-stir to turn to both of his nephews, "Would one of you be willing to fake choke on a pickle?"

"How is the sauce coming, Master Thorin?" Greg rasped.

"It's looking delicious Greg," Fili said, stealing the spoon from his uncle and giving the pot a vigorous stir. Kili pushed him towards the drawing room.

"Go save her!" he growled, "She's been in there for forty minutes. They could have reached the branding part of the cult ceremony by now!" Thorin forced his legs to start walking, he could hear his mother's voice echoing down the hallway. He'd forgotten how much his mom could talk. Oh poor Billie, he was a terrible person. Guilt dribbled into his stomach as he rounded the corner.

"- And then he said, "Maddi, you vixen, what have you done to me?!" And he wasn't able to move for a good ten minutes!" Thorin watched as his mom slapped her own knee and rolled about in a silent fit of laughter. Billie, on the other hand, looked horrified and took a long draw from her glass.

"Thorin!" she cried joyfully upon spotting him. She jumped up and rushed forwards, "Is dinner ready?"

"Almost," Thorin said, His mom stood up shakily and pranced towards them. She always had moved like a ballerina.

"You have a great little woman here," Madeline said, wrapping an arm around Billie's neck. Billie grimaced as she planted a smeary, lipstick kiss on her cheek. Thorin bit the inside of his lip to keep from laughing.

"I'm not his woman. Remember Madeline," Billie said. Madeline paid her no notice, turning her affections, as they were, onto her long lost son.

"I'm so glad you're here Thorin," she gushed, planting a lipstick smear on his cheek as well. "I've missed you so much." She held him tight, sniffling a little into his shirt front.

"I missed you too Mom," Thorin said, returning her hug.

"Oh," Madeline pushed herself away, "Not again." She dabbed at the corner of her eyes with the sleeve of her robe and frowned at the resultant mascara residue.

"Well this won't do at all," she announced, "I must go freshen my make-up. Please tell Gregory I'll join you all shortly at the table." She squeezed Thorin's arm one last time and then floated up the stairs. Billie sagged with relief.

"Your mom has been telling me about her sex life with your father for the past half an hour." She said, "Why did you leave me alone in there?!"

"Sorry," Thorin laughed. Billie glared at him and he tried his hardest to stop smiling. God, she was cute when she was pissed. She tried to shove past him, but he caught her by the wrist.

"Really," he said, half laughing, half trying to stop, "I'm sorry, it's been a really long couple of days and I've suffered through four similar conversations with her."

Billie raised an eyebrow, "She's talked to you about their sex life?" she said disbelievingly.

Thorin nodded, "around drink number six or so I learned how much she was going to miss his penis." A grin cut through Billie's scowl.

"I learned that practically right out of the gate." She let out a sigh. "Fine, you are forgiven, but only because I realize this is a difficult time for you."

"It is," Thorin nodded. He brushed her cheek with his thumb, "you've got- ," his mom had left a perfect impression of her lips right next to Billie's dimple. "lipstick."

"Oh seriously," Billie tried to wipe it away but it wasn't going anywhere. It must have been that long lasting kind. Thorin licked his thumb and tried to scrub at it, but Billie squirmed away from him.

"Ew! Don't, Mom-in-a-restaurant me!" She licked her own thumb and came at him with it, "How do you like it?!" Thorin laughed, pushing her hand away, she jumped up and scored a hit on his forehead. He grabbed her around the waist and flipped her over his shoulder, she squealed in protesting laughter.

"Thorin! Let me down!" Thorin set her down and she rained a series of little slaps across his chest, he grabbed both of her hands, threading his fingers through hers.

"Jerk," she said, trying to wiggle free.

"Hey," Fili said from behind them, they turned around still connected like they were playing London's bridge. "Dinner's ready."

"Okay, we'll be there in a second," Thorin said, Fili nodded and left. Billie made to go after him but Thorin held tight to her hands.

"Hey," he said, the mirth fading from his face, "I'm really glad you're here."

"Are you doing okay?" Billie asked and then winced at her own question, "Sorry, that was a dumb question." She sighed, "I never know what to say at times like this." Thorin smiled, releasing her hands so he could pull her into a hug.

"Just you being here is enough Sunshine. You don't have to say anything."

(…And Then)

The family and Billie woke the day of the funeral and dressed in their black ensembles, Thorin's mom was drunk before breakfast, as was his Aunt Gloria who showed up to, "offer moral support," but Billie guessed she just had wanted more whiskey and hadn't wanted to pay for it.

They rode to the church in the black town car that had picked them up from the airport, Billie had been informed that it was in fact the family's car and the ageing Greg was their servant of many years. Thorin's mom referred to him as her man Gregory, which was confusing until Thorin explained that was just what his Mom's set called their manservants.

The church was packed with mourners, swarms and swarms of people in black. Thorin's grandfather lead the procession down the aisle, followed by Thorin, Madeline holding his arm, Fili and Kili flanked them and last of all came Billie, feeling very out of place. She wasn't family, she should have been sitting in the back.

Thror sat at the edge of the row, the twins took their seats and Thorin helped Madeline into hers, then he and Billie sat next to each other. The casket was open on the platform before them. Thorin's father looked very much like him, his proud nose, the set of his mouth and suddenly Billie flashed into a horrible alternate reality. In which she was in Madeline's shoes, knowing that the empty shell in front of her used to be the love of her life. Knowing that they would never laugh together again, he would never hold her close, without thinking about why she reached for Thorin's hand. He brushed his thumb over her knuckles reassuringly. There was a swell of organ music and the priest took his place behind the pulpit.

"Family and friends," he began in a loud, clear voice, "welcome. We are gathered here today, to celebrate the life of Thrain Durin -," None of what he said after that point really registered with Billie, not having known the dead man he was talking about, but she thought it all sounded…nice? As he spoke, Thorin's grip on her hand grew tighter and tighter. She knew he was supposed to give a eulogy at some point, she squeezed back in what she hoped was a gesture of comfort.

Another organ solo shook the floorboards and then the priest was calling Madeline and Thorin forwards, one last squeeze and they mounted the steps.

"Thank you Father Dominic," Madeline said, "My husband always hated coming to church, but he liked you. He called you the not-as-stupid-one." Behind her Thorin went pink, the gathered crowd was silent, not knowing whether to laugh or not. "Which from him was high praise," Madeline went on, oblivious to her son's discomfort. She laughed a little, "Oh that man, he was a character wasn't he? A good, honest, noble man, but that temper of his." She broke off to laugh a little more, "the trouble it got him into."

The mourners murmured their agreement, Billie could see the tears starting to drip down Madeline's face but her voice did not waver, "I could stand up here and go on about how wonderful he was, and while it's true I loved him, I hardly know what I'm going to do without him, you all knew him too and the truth was he could be kind of an asshole." Thorin's face grew brighter pink, the crowd decided it was in fact okay to laugh.

"But you're all here anyways," Madeline continued, "and I'm hoping that means that you all saw past his asshole-ish-ness. That you all, despite his tendency to be rude and way too honest, loved him just as much as I did." She pulled out a tissue and dabbed at her eyes, "God, if he could see us all carrying on like this he'd say, "What a bunch of fakers. You know they're secretly happy the old bat is dead; they're just upset that they weren't in the will." The crowd chuckled some more. "Well he is one old bat I truly am going to miss." She pulled a flask out of her sleeve and raised it up high, Thorin's cheeks went as red as a stoplight, "To Thrain!" his mother said, taking a hearty swig.

"Here, here!" Aunt Gloria called from row four. There was much rustling and murmuring as Thorin guided Madeline back down the steps. After a pause Father Dominic retook the stand to offer closing remarks. Billie glanced at Thorin as he retook his seat.

"What happened to your speech?" she wanted to ask, but didn't.

(…And Then)

The wake was held at the country club, Billie had never seen so many sloshed old people in her life. Children ran underfoot of the milling crowd, hiding under tables and hording chocolates and cheese cubes in their pockets.

"That was quite the eulogy Grandma," Kili said, consuming five lobster puffs at once.

"Your grandfather would have liked you," she told him, "plenty of sarcasm, just enough wit." Kili grinned obviously pleased.

Thorin had wandered away some time ago, Billie looked around the room but couldn't find him. Making her excuses she grabbed a drink from the bar and went to look in the back rooms.

(…Meanwhile)

"Coward," Thorin mentally cursed himself, "giant baby." He hadn't been able to do it, he'd looked out at the sea of people and hadn't been able to say anything. Not that the speech he'd written was really all that great to begin with, but he could have made an effort. Even a, "Thanks for coming to my father's death party," would have been something. He took a sip of his brandy, staring out the window to the manicured lawn of the golf course.

"Thorin?"

Billie? Thorin turned around eagerly to see that not only was he a chicken, he also apparently had horrible voice recognition skills. Iradessa emerged from the shadows, Thorin stifled a groan.

"I thought you'd gone home," he said, leaning against the wall.

"How could I?" Iradessa sashayed over to him, he resisted the urge to slide away from her, "It was your father's funeral. I knew you'd need support." She moved to kiss him and this time Thorin really did slide away from her. She narrowed her perfectly plucked eyebrows.

"Okay, what is with you?!" she demanded, stomping one stiletto heel, "You've been avoiding me for weeks! I flew all the way out here to help you through this and you left me standing on the corner at LaGuardia."

Thorin sighed internally, "Be a man," he thought to himself, "be a man."

"Look Dessa," he started, "I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you lately, but I just haven't been sure how to tell you this –

"It's that Billie girl isn't it!" Iradessa started breathing hard through her nose like an enraged bull, "You like her don't you? And now you are going to dump me to get with her!"

"No," Thorin tried to explain, "That's not why I'm breaking up with you, I mean I do like Billie, a lot, in fact I think I might be falling in lo – Iradessa's scream of outrage cut him off.

"I knew it!" she shrieked, "from the moment you introduced me to that Shirley Temple wannabe I knew there was something between you! Why did you bring me back into your life if you were already involved with someone else?!"

"I wasn't involved with her I just-

"Don't give me your excuses!" Iradessa cut him off again, she advanced on him, almost the same height as he was in her heels. Thorin backpedaled rapidly until he was pressed against the wall, "Don't you understand Thorin? We are meant for each other! It's destiny!"

"Um," Thorin managed, "Disagree."

"No!" Iradessa shouted so loudly Thorin was shocked the window didn't crack, "This is not happening! You are not ending this! You are not ending us!"

"Yes I am!" Thorin shouted back.

"NO!" Iradessa removed one of her stilettos and lobbed it at his head, he ducked and it thudded against the wall. "NO! NO! Noooooo!" Just at that moment, who should walk into the room, but Billie, holding a drink and looking confused. Iradessa rounded on her and hissed like an angry cat.

"You!" she bellowed, taking off her other heel, Thorin caught her arm before she could chuck it.

"Enough!" he said. Iradessa glared at him and then at Billie, before shrugging herself free of his grasp, "this is not over!" she promised, "We belong together Thorin, remember that!" and leaving her other shoe where it lay she stalked from the room.

"What the actual fuck?" Billie said, watching her disappear around the corner. She turned back to Thorin who was using the wall to hold himself up, "Are you okay?"

Thorin didn't know if it was the brandy in his hand, or the fact that he had just faced down a she-demon, but in his head kept echoing the words, "Be a man Thorin, be a man." And so he did something he normally would have spent weeks getting up the guts to do, he heaved himself off the wall, walked over to Billie Baggins and kissed her, right on the lips.