New York City Friends

Season 3, Episode 16: Losing Yourself To Find Yourself

Starring~ Michelle McCool, Ashley Massaro, Candice Michelle, and Torrie Wilson.


From the beginning Jack was my 'Titanic Jack', it felt like a love story. We lost sight of each other for more than a decade and we found each other again- and I thought getting married would mean that we would be together forever and never lose each other, little did I know I could end up losing myself.

Jack and Michelle had made up a few days ago, they didn't want to be fighting forever. Jack's mom talked to the two and she convinced them to apologize to each other.

The married couple got up extra early that Thursday night to prepare a breakfast together. "You know, I have a friend who knows of a small little fashion boutique here in Jersey and they're hiring... maybe you can apply and you won't have to go to the city anymore," Jack suggested.

Michelle froze in the middle of stirring the pancake mix. "Jack, it took me forever to get the job with that London fashion company... that's why we broke up in the first place, because you didn't want me to go to London for that interview," Michelle reminded him. Jack went silent, so Michelle gave the idea at least a little consideration. "I'll think about it," she said.

I didn't know who I was or what I wanted anymore, even Jack didn't know who he was and what he wanted. We were both lost.

Jack shook his head, "No, you keep your job and it's okay that you have to go to the city once in a while," Jack insisted.

The couple no longer fought, they weren't even angry on the inside anymore- it seems like they had nothing to fight for.


Ashley went through many doors and along the way men greeted her, but they were the reason Ashley lost herself. Today she went through Dwayne's door.

A week ago she waited by his place, only to be heartbroken when she saw him bringing another girl home. He called her days later to apologize and she fell into his trap, he convinced her to come to his place and she did.

For a second Ashley really did believe he would save her- but it was just sex. The sex was enjoyable for Dwayne, but for Ashley it was just something she was doing. Ashley didn't know who she was anymore- an independent woman with insecurities who now depended on the validation and desire of men.

That same morning she called her therapist right away for an appointment.

She left Dwayne's place feeling even more lost and empty.


Candice lost herself too for a while- drinking, partying, and shopping helped her cope. But Candice the light that guided her through that dark tunnel- her son Brooklyn.

Brooklyn wanted to stay with his mother for the remainder of the summer, just to be there for her. It was now rehab check-in day for Candice, so he made sure she was all packed and ready to check in.

Candice knew she would've put it off if Brooklyn weren't around, she would've found some excuse to not pack. Then again, if Brooklyn weren't around rehab would've never been somewhere Candice would even think about going to.

The mother and son packed the last few things. Candice started to cry, she leaned her head down while she put her hands on her thighs. Crying helplessly, but not hopelessly.

Candice realized she needed her son, she was afraid she would fall apart again without him.

Brooklyn turned to her, "I know this is hard mom," Brooklyn told her, "But a lot of people go to rehab and they get better afterwards-"

Candice interrupted her, "It's not that, I actually don't know why I'm crying," Candice lied to her son. She didn't want to tell him that she needed him because she didn't want to burden him or hold him back from living his own youthful life.

She wiped the tears away and continued packing, "Let's finish up and then we'll grab some breakfast," Candice said with her tone raised to a more positive and uplifting one.


That Thursday morning Jack and I went to church. Most people go to find themselves there, I personally usually go to Fifth Avenue to find myself, that is my version of church. We went for Jack's niece's baptism.

Jack had tears in his eyes seeing his little niece up there, the rest of his family were also emotional seeing the ceremony. Meanwhile Michelle tried to also get emotional, but she didn't want to fake anything. So she simply stood by Jack and held him while they all watched the holy water being sprinkled on the little girl's head.

Michelle has never seen Jack with tears in his eyes. She knew he wasn't too religious, but just to make sure she asked him, "You're teary- this is a happy occasion, not a sad one?" Jack turned to her and nodded, "I know, these are tears of joy! Just watching that little innocent child getting blessed, with no idea of what's to come for her in this world, but she has her parents and god protecting her," Jack told Michelle.

Jack wanted children, a stay-at-home wife, a white picket fence, and that whole suburban thing. I couldn't possibly take that away from him, just like he couldn't take who I was away from me.

Michelle leaned in to Jack and whispered, "I have to go to the bathroom." Jack let her go and so off she went.

She rushed to the bathroom and locked herself in a stall. She pulled out a pen and a piece of lined paper and she started to write for him and her.

Everything she was feeling and all of the reasons why they wouldn't work she wrote down.

This Titanic was about to sink, only this time a little woman would be responsible for bringing down such a large ship. I didn't want to lose myself any further and I didn't want Jack to lose anything else, so I had to sink this ship.


While some of us were losing ourselves and trying to re-find ourselves, others had already found who they were. For so long Punk never understood love, but he made a discovery.

The second Punk woke up he rushed to Torrie's place. The city morning was nice and chilly, with a warm sun in the sky. Punk felt alive and at peace.

He knocked softly on Torrie's door, she didn't recognize the knock so she assumed it was some other random person but there he was standing with a smile and some flowers in his hand.

"I love you Torrie, as a friend! I truly do love you," Punk said to her the second his eyes met hers. Torrie didn't know what to say, but her heart was definitely ecstatic.

"Punk, I don't even need to tell you because you already know that I have loved you as a friend too," she told him. "Hearing you proclaim love is so surreal," Torrie admitted.

Hearing "I love you as a friend" is probably not what many women or even men want to hear... but to Torrie that was gold, especially since it was coming from Punk.

"You made me believe in love... it looks like you fucking won our one year argument about the legitimacy of love," he said. "You being there for me while I pushed you away, that meant that you cared and that you loved and I feel the same way... with my mom's death, I've just discovered that love truly fucking does exist," he told her.

Torrie invited him in for breakfast, where the two went on and on about love.


Packing took Candice a few hours, she didn't know what Prada heels to take with her. Brooklyn was packed in an hour, because he already knew what he wanted and he wanted to go to that boarding school.

The two were going off- Brooklyn to his boarding school and Candice to rehab. Brooklyn really wanted go to this boarding school where he could find himself, Candice didn't want him to get lost like she did... so she kept the negativity away and let him go.

Candice accompanied him to the airport, the boarding school was all the way in Washington. She held his hand while and when it came time for him to take off she held tightly in her arms, "I'm going to miss you... but I'll be fine, don't you dare worry about me," Candice told him. "I'll miss you too," Brooklyn said.

"So we'll see each other Thanksgiving," Candice said. Brooklyn shook his head, "The second you get out of rehab I'll come down to visit and then we'll see each other again for Thanksgiving," he told her.

Brooklyn started walking away, "Well I have to go," he said while waving goodbye.

Candice smiled through it all and she waited by the window until his plane was up in the air. Instead of being depressed, she went out for some iced coffee while she waited for her rehab check-in time.


Candice was going to rehab, Ashley was going to therapy- sometimes we get so lost we need the professional help. After calling her former therapist, Ashley and her therapist decided to meet up for the first time in months.

"So, looks who's back," the receptionist teased as Ashley signed in. Ashley laughed, but inside she wanted to strangle that receptionist. "She has a client in, she'll be out any minute now," the receptionist told Ashley.

So Ashley went to wait where she used to always wait. The same dated magazines sat there in a pile, the perfect celebrities and models on the covers were mocking her. She was surrounded by some new faces, but she recognized a lot of the old faces.

"Okay, Ashley," her therapist called out from the door of her office. Ashley rushed to her, wanting to share everything she's been through in the past few months with her therapist.

The therapy session lasted four hours. Ashley ended up paying a fortune.

After four hours of talking, her therapist finally concluded the session with an 'aha moment' that would forever change Ashley's life. "You are lost because you fall in love and invest your time in people who probably don't even care about you the way you care about them and when that person leaves your life you feel empty and lost," the therapist enlightened Ashley, "Maybe it's time you fall in love with yourself first- you have to push the insecurities away and get to know yourself so that you don't feel lost."

Ashley's mouth dropped, it was one of those moments when a woman feels changed.


Torrie was about to feel changed too, well changed about how she saw her good old friend Punk.

Punk spent about one week in the city, but it was time for him to go back to Chicago. Torrie got emotional saying goodbye, but she knew he had to go.

Torrie gave him a little bag of cookies for him to enjoy on his way to the airport. They hugged on her doorstep and just when Torrie was about to head back inside Punk pulled her by the arm. He got her close to his body and he looked straight into her eyes, he held her face with his hand and he slowly put his lips on her's.

Torrie certainly didn't stop the kiss, she was too busy questioning the kiss. He pulled away and couldn't even look her directly in the eye,"Well I better get going," Punk said as he rushed off.

Torrie didn't know what to think, she was confused. However, she wasn't confused about the feeling of the kiss, it felt true and right.

Punk left because he was in love, he finally found somebody and that scared him so he ran. He wanted more and Torrie wanted more- but he couldn't let that happen.

After kissing one of his best friends, Punk went home to his new apartment in the city. The truth was he was living in the city again, he left for Chicago but came back to live full-time in the city. Torrie thought he was going back to Chicago and that's what Punk wanted her to believe.

He got a new phone number and did not bother to give it to Torrie. So he wasn't really one plane ride away or one call away because if Torrie tried either of those she would end up lost in space.


I didn't blame Punk, sometimes it's better to run away from somebody you love so that you can avoid hurting them. I was about to do the same thing.

It was about 9:00 pm, Jack was in the living room watching TV while Michelle got some suitcases out. She quietly started grabbing all of her belongings, anything that meant the most to her she packed in first and whatever didn't fit in the three suitcases she'd have to return for later.

Michelle let Taryn know about her plan, so Taryn did anything she could to help. Taryn parked her little old Jeep by the curb of Michelle's place, Michelle threw the suitcases out the window for Taryn to grab and put in the car. Unfortunately, three quarters of Michelle's belongings were still out. Taryn was generous enough to bring some boxes and Michelle rushed to pack everything in those boxes.

"I'll meet you out down the block in about an hour," Michelle told Taryn.


Candice finally made her way to the rehabilitation center. She didn't shake or get anxious while walking there, she stood tall and she faced this with a brave face.

At 9:00 PM Candice checked herself into rehab.

"We've been expecting you Candice, it's nice to see you," one of the nurses said. Candice smiled, but when the nurse tried to take away Candice's purse Candice backed off. "It's Prada," Candice warned the nurse with the sticky fingers.

The nurse backed off, but Candice laughed it off and handed her the purse. "Sorry," she uttered.

Candice wanted to hold on to all of the glitz and glam she was used to, but there comes a time when a person just needs to let go to receive better things out of life.

Sometimes you have to get a little lost to find a new you, a better you, and a stronger you.


And one hour later at 10:00 PM this ship of Jack and I would finally sink.

Jack approximately came to to the bathroom at 9:29 pm to clean up, he then lied awake while talking to Michelle. The married couple talked about Jack's niece, Jack eventually put himself to sleep.

He dreamed of a life he so desired and Michelle knew too, which is why she had to take that train and leave his life for her own life. She realized that the two had a life to fulfill and they both deserved to have everything they wanted, so as much as it hurt to leave she knew she had to.

When Jack finally fell asleep she sneaked out the back door, but before leaving she left him the letter right by his bedside. Taryn waited for her down the block, Michelle rushed inside and off she went.

And that was the last time I ever saw Jack.

Taryn drove Michelle all the way to the NJ Transit in Newark. "Is it okay if I leave my stuff at your place until I can come and pick them up," Michelle asked Taryn. Michelle didn't even need to ask, Taryn just smiled and nodded.

"Well I'm gonna miss you," Michelle said, "And thank you so much, for everything, I will never ever forget you friend!"

Taryn hugged her, she then helped her with the suitcases.

That was not the last time I would see Taryn.

Michelle walked rushed to get on the train, but it left as soon as she got there so she had to wait for the next one. While sitting there on the bench she thought about Jack, not about herself but about Jack. She thought about him so much that she thought maybe she should just go back to him.

However she knew it was the best thing for the two. She still loved Jack, which made leaving him harder.
I always thought Jack would complete me, or just any man in general. I thought he would save me and I thought I would find myself through him... but those were things only I could do for myself.

At approximately 12:00 am the train arrived, it was midnight and Michelle was cold. The East Coast weather was slowly fading from Summer to Fall, it was getting chilly. The little yellow lights in that train station kept flickering, reminding Michelle that her marriage was very dim and she had to go.

The truth is I was saving myself, not the marriage. I'd like to think that I was also saving Jack and I'd like think he will one day go on to have what he really wanted in life.

Michelle got in the train. She looked out the window, watching as she left a chapter she will forever cherish. Jack will forever be in her heart and so will Jersey.

Michelle's biggest fear was losing freedom and she used to think the city represented that freedom for her, but she now knew that it wasn't the city that had the freedom... it was her and no man would ever be able to take it away, not even a husband.

This chapter was now sealed too. From the very beginning I promised myself I would keep my freedom and I did. You can't blame a girl for getting lost in the vast spaces of freedom. Don't ever wait for a man to help you find yourself, because he too will get lost in your intimidating freedom. If I've learned anything, it's that the only person who could find me was me.


Published On August 26, 2016.

Special Guest Stars~ Jack Swagger, Brooklyn Barrett, CM Punk, and Taryn Terrell.

To anybody who feels lost or who has felt lost at one point in there lives. It was a season of discovery, until next season!