Warnings: Swearing, Alcohol Use, Sensitive Themes
Please enjoy the chapter!
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Chapter 2: Query and Purpose
She wanted to scream. Every cell in her peritoneal cavity vibrated in resentment at her self-control—even her organs hated her.
She was left with nothing: no feelings, no direction, and no purpose. Her being wavered on the edge of existence. Sakura floated through this wretched purgatory alone.
Itachi was long gone and with him he took all that had been left of her. Perhaps he meant to stow it away with everything else of hers that he had stolen. After all, he had unwittingly robbed her of her hope, her innocence, her love, and her friends. Over time, he had carved out her insides and left her nothing more than an empty shell of her former self.
But what would she be giving up on?
Her mission?
Her efforts?
Her life?
Herself?
Her attempt to kill the demon had been thwarted by her fixation on experiencing the tsukuyomi first. She could have killed him at any point when they were at close range throughout the battle. Instead, she foolishly decided to draw out the entertainment and wait patiently for him to use his ocular jutsu.
Now she was here with nothing.
She could continue to hunt him down for the next several years until she found him again, but really, would it be worth it? Would she just be denied the tsukuyomi time and again?
So much confusion and self-loathing poisoned her thoughts that she began to feel physically ill. Sakura hated it and herself and everything. She wanted to scream and break every bone in her own body just to sit through the painstaking labor of healing herself. Sakura wanted to feel something for the sake of knowing that she was alive and present and tangible.
"I have nothing… I am nothing." She looked at the palms of her dirty, gloved hands.
She could hear herself, so perhaps that was a start. And was living with nothing not the sacred and respected way of monks? If Sakura were optimistic, she could possibly be on the cusp of spiritual enlightenment. But instead of feeling clement, her soul just felt parched.
Sakura touched her lips together and then parted them the minimal amount to speak.
She announced to the abandoned world around her, "I need to reconcile with myself."
But what did that entail? She could return to Konoha and meditate for every waking hour she had available. Or maybe she could go home and start gardening—she always imagined that as a peaceful hobby. Perhaps she could go back and simply give away everything she owned; she could start from scratch.
No matter how many ideas Sakura ran through, she rejected each of them as quickly as they came. There was an unappealing flavor to each one; they shared something distasteful. After a moment of consideration, she realized that there was a common fault involved in each of them—and that was going home.
Sakura needed to get away from everything and that included her hometown. Suddenly, heavy understanding sunk like a dense weight in the acidic sea of her stomach, and it was not because she would miss Konoha. After all, her Will of Fire had faded a little more each time she visited Naruto's shell until it had completely burnt out.
Instead, the sick feeling came from what she would become when she did not return: a missing nin. She would be labeled a wanted criminal, probably of the S-rank, with bounties amounting to fortunes on her head. It would break Tsunade's heart to order such things against someone she considered a daughter.
Legalities aside, this was what she needed to do. She would leave her everything that equated to nothing behind. She would wander in the wilderness and stop in small towns. The only things she would bring were her objectives: to fall under the tsukuyomi and then to survive to kill the perpetrator. These simple and clear-cut objectives were all she needed.
The idea sounded so splendid that a smile twitched onto her face. Not in a rush, but not wanting to wait around, she lifted herself into an alert posture and began to walk—not run—in the direction of the dense forest leading her to the mountains. Sakura was on her way to a new life.
After three days of wandering through the wilderness, Sakura decided to gather some kindle, start a fire, and use the forest floor as a bed for another night. Civilization would still be there tomorrow. Plus, even if she was now a missing nin who was running the risk of attack by random shinobi in the forest on missions, her body could not afford to keep going any longer today.
The fire flickered in every direction and casted looming shadows over her through the night. It was eerie, yet peaceful. It felt as if she was resting amongst the dead because of the silence, but everything around her was alert and alive. This environment was one conducive to contemplation.
Sakura thought back to Itachi's face as his mouth formed the words, "It's most unfortunate that in these tedious lives we're forced to live that we don't receive everything we want."
Unfortunate indeed.
Did he refuse to use his eyes simply to spite her? Itachi probably could have won if he had used them. In fact, he could have won at several points throughout their battle—like when she was faced with the amaterasu or when she had her eyes closed to focus on expelling the poison. Why did he pass up those opportunities to dispose of his opponent?
Conversely, she knew that she could have killed him, too. She knew her own reasoning, though. She opted not to shatter his hardened frame during close combat for the hopes of glimpsing the inside of the tsukuyomi.
Why would he let her get away when it was clear that her intent was to take his life? If he used his amaterasu, then he perceived her to be a threat, at least.
Was her intent really clear even to herself, though? If there were moments when she could have won, why did she not take advantage of them? Sure, she desired the tsukuyomi, but he had a debt to pay that went far deeper than just that—he owed her his life. To experience the tsukuyomi was a fanciful whim whereas his debt was concrete, steep, and real.
Was the pain offered by the tsukuyomi really worth more than the revenge of her team?
Even if Itachi probably had no idea, he was the source of her loneliness and loss. He altered the course of Fate when he massacred his family—it sent a ripple effect through Team 7 and beyond. He deserved nothing less than a painful death.
But, if he was still alive, was Sakura as steadfast in her resolution as she previously believed herself to be?
All of this wonder and uncertainty left only one thing truly clear: Sakura knew very little about herself. She knew the past, but understanding it was an entirely different objective. There was a core to her true self that had gone undiscovered for twenty-one years—a part that she had ignored and casted away. Instead of examining her inner self, Sakura had always focused on putting her teammates first.
In contemplative retrospect, she had deemed much of herself secondary to the health and success of her teammates. At the time, it was easier for her to scorn herself than make an effort to understand the logical reasoning behind her foolish actions and the selfish calculations behind her heroic ones.
Sakura had spent her whole life denying her own individuality.
Even though she believed she was strong, she did not know it. That was part of why she went after Itachi. She blamed him for so much—no, she blamed him for everything. For every weakness she felt and every tear she cried, she had labeled him as instigator.
"Who are you?"—and yet, he did not even know who she was. In all honesty, despite her years of researching his abilities, connections, history, and whereabouts, she did not really know him either. Itachi was only a name with no structured face to match it. He was just a list of jutsu, crimes, weaponry, locations, and bounties; he was a collection of data.
Sakura now knew what she wanted to do: she needed to fix the part of herself that was broken. As part of fixing herself, she needed to speak to that man—even if it would inevitably be done over clashing of steel and fists. She needed to better understand the source of her suffering before she killed him.
She needed to speak to him, even if it would be her end.
Authoress's Note:
Hi, everybody! Once I am done with the editing (of the wholeeee fic), I intend to post it on chapters on a weekly basis. As such, I'd like to ask the readers on which days you'd prefer me to post! I'll have a poll up to serve this purpose, so please participate if you have any preference. :)
Thank you very much for reading!
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