Chapter 27: Pondering Perdition
After a handful of hesitant laughs, Sakura fell into a full fit of gleeful giggles. Her laughter consumed her so completely that she even began to roll around in her bed.
"Itachi didn't sell me out to Danzo. Itachi didn't sell me out to Danzo! He saved Naruto and he didn't sell me out to Danzo!"
Even if she did not understand everything in his letter, the core message was clear: he cared. He would be neither as sorry nor as angry as he portrayed himself in his writing without caring as its genesis. Itachi was still as complex and as human as she remembered him. These characteristics of his were just another reason she had come to respect and value him as a comrade and then some.
Once her initial euphoria faded, she settled down to parse through the letter's contents.
"I am deeply and irrevocably sorry for what I've done.
I thought Danzo might leave you alone if he saw my continued loyalty and your innocent behavior. Then, I thought he would leave you alone if I threatened him. But, there are no adequate excuses for what you've suffered: I should have known better."
Foremost, Itachi was drowning in a well of remorse. From the time they had spent living together, it was apparent that he readily took blame for his actions—to an extent that one might consider unnecessary. In his writing he begged for her forgiveness as if it were unattainable, yet Sakura only needed to hear the truth to forgive him in her heart. She could not blame him for his wishful thinking when Danzo would have had his way regardless. Moreover, wishful thinking hardly equated to malicious intentions.
Sakura moved her attention onto the next paragraph.
"My attempted penance began by prioritizing Naruto's life over finding you. This was the second hardest part of my atonement to you, but I did it because I knew it was what you would have wanted. I hope that Naruto is well now."
His guilt was obvious, but his letter revealed something less obvious: Itachi received her letter from Sai's raven and acted on it. He did a lot of things he did not want to do, but did them to save Naruto's life. A gentle wave of gratefulness washed over Sakura—he selflessly put his desires and feelings aside to make sure that Naruto lived. Her teammate was able to wake up from his coma and strive toward his own dreams because of Itachi's selfless actions.
Tears of appreciation welled in her eyes, but she quickly blinked them away before they amounted to anything. She would show him the depth of her gratefulness someday—she just needed time to figure out how. After all, it would be hard to pay back somebody who insisted that all standing debts were in his name.
When she continued reading onto the next paragraph, she found herself as bewildered as when she had read this part for the first time.
"Next, I decided to eradicate the four aberrations. I have taken care of the first three, but I will let you decide what to do with the fourth. I will still serve Konoha as a spy in the Akatsuki, but I will no longer do it at the will of Danzo."
What did he mean by "four aberrations"? Whatever they were, if Itachi "took care of" them it could not bode well for their mortality. Still, it was myopic of him to leave the fourth aberration to her without giving her any concrete direction in which to start.
However, despite her confusion, relief kissed her heart with a shower of sparks upon reaffirming Itachi's renunciation of Danzo's leadership. Sakura expected—and admired—his continued espionage for Konoha, but she could no longer trust anyone who associated with the pernicious village elder. Still, Itachi renounced all rights to a personal life in order to help the world exterminate the dangerous Akatsuki; his selflessness never failed to astound her. She could not help but admire his dedication to peace and, now that she had her life back, she secretly entertained the idea of joining his quest for concord.
Moving onto the next paragraph of his letter, her limbs tingled in disbelief.
"Lastly, and most painfully, I give you full endorsement to tell my brother the truth. I know that this is something you would do anyway—after all, I don't imagine that anything could stop you once you've set your mind to something—but, I offer you my help in convincing him if you wish."
She would need to read this part at least a thousand times over before she could begin to believe it: Itachi endorsed her mission to tell Sasuke the truth. Sakura honestly thought he might kill her before letting her go through with it, but instead, he handed her his written permission in a basket. In fact, he would even help her with the task if she wished. His offer was so generous at his own expense that one might think he was purposefully punishing himself.
Sakura frowned. She would tell Sasuke, but she would not directly involve Itachi in the affair. She had enough evidence to do it without him, anyway. Most importantly, she would not make him suffer any more than the inherent nature of the task required. His lifetime had already served him enough pain to leave his plate of travail overflowing—Sakura would not add to his surplus if she could avoid it. She would shoulder this responsibility on her own.
As she continued to reread the letter's contents, her normally hardened demeanor softened like butter left out in a warm kitchen.
"Now that I've already written it, I suppose that 'lastly' was an inappropriate word to use in the previous paragraph. There is no 'lastly.' If you ever want or need anything, place a request inside of an envelope on your windowsill. It will be taken care of."
Even though this went well beyond conventional generosity, she would never turn away such an unfailing ally. Although she felt much safer than when she had returned to Konoha the first time, she acknowledged that issues with Danzo were not resolved—they were just in the open now. If things took a turn for the darker, she knew that she could rely on him for help. Moreover, when she finally removed Danzo from the picture, she did not know what the remainder of her life would hold. Despite feeling as if she had enough enemies for ten lifetimes, she had the rest of her life to make many more.
Furthermore, his offer could pose as an avenue for continued contact between them. With the way her heartbeat pattered at holding his letter in her hands, she suspected that disappointment would creep into the corners of her life if their correspondence ended here. After all, she had not lied when she professed that meeting him was one of the best things to happen to her.
Sakura decided that she would think about the best way to utilize this offer and moved onto the remainder of the letter.
"In my mind, you have been and always will be the debt that I can never pay off. But now I suspect that this feeling is not only in my mind, but in your mind, too. Even though I will never forgive myself, I hope that one day you might feel magnanimous enough to grant me your clemency.
I am deeply and irrevocably sorry for what I've done."
His guilt was strong enough that she personally felt it weighing on her soul. Irrevocably. His wording reminded her of how he described his situation with his brother: no redemption. Maybe forgiveness from others would serve as the first step to forgiving himself. But, maybe not—maybe time and faltering evidence of his own malignancy were the only things that could pull him out of his tristful well. Sakura would do her best to provide him with the latter.
"Purveyor of perdition,
Itachi Uchiha"
She would have snickered at his melodrama, but she knew better—Itachi doubtlessly believed his self-assigned vituperation. Sakura wondered if being so talented from such a young age led him to a lifelong standard of perfection. Surely, having hardened Uchiha parents probably did not lower his standards. As such, when things did not go according to his grand master plan, shame swallowed him whole with the unhinging jaw of a snake. Not only was he unaccustomed to failure, but his life left little room for such human luxuries. The more she thought about the stratified strife he had faced from a young age, the more she wondered how he had matured into such a wholesome person.
Itachi Uchiha was no purveyor of perdition. Under his sadistic charade, he was a beacon of benevolence. The more Sakura learned about him, the more profound her respect for his character had become. The contrast between his self-perception and her personal perception of him was stark enough to make her disbelievingly laugh and shake her head. It was hardly abnormal for someone's self-perception to sit unaligned with reality, but the gap between his ideas and the truth sat wide enough to swallow an entire sea.
Sakura shook her head again and set his letter on the nightstand. She had so much to figure out and too little time to do it all: she needed to face Danzo, placate Tsunade and Naruto, tell Sasuke the truth, reunite Team 7, help Itachi forgive himself, and find her way in the world again. One lifetime was too short for all of this. With an itemized list in her head, she debated which task would prove the most arduous and quickly decided that it was the last.
Suddenly, a knock on her door startled her out of her pensive state. It seemed that one of her problems had no interest in waiting for the resolution of her internal stewing. Sakura quickly tucked Itachi's note in the nightstand drawer and made her way to the door. She opened it to find a tenebrous Tsunade and Naruto standing in her hallway.
Sakura sighed and offered a half-hearted smile. "Please, come in."
A belated recollection of the mess in her kitchen flashed in her mind. As a last-ditch effort to veil her mental breakdown from earlier, she used her body to direct them toward the living room. Her nebbish tactic seemed to work because they each took a seat on her green couch without question. Sakura opted to settle in her matching armchair across from them.
Tsunade spoke first. "Naruto knows about Danzo." His body language showed it, too. He sat with his legs apart, elbows resting on knees, hands knotted together, and forehead resting on his interwoven fingers. He looked down at the grey carpet beneath his feet as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.
Sakura mentally cackled—did the Hokage even know about Danzo? She doubted that Tsunade knew the whole, unencumbered truth.
"I'll kill him." Naruto's growl might have sounded threatening if she knew that he had any strength to stand behind it. Here in her mild living room he was nothing more than a glowering twig with the overconfident ambitions of a great tree.
Sakura shook her head and smiled weakly. "No, Naruto. You're going to focus on healing so that I don't lose you again."
He looked up at her with rubicund eyes now—the eyes of the Kyuubi had replaced his jolly azure irises. "So he just gets away with it?"
Tsunade looked alarmed at her patient's hastiness, but Sakura still wore her small smile.
"No, Naruto. He doesn't get away with it." Sakura's calm stood in stark contrast to Naruto's fury.
Her teammate's hands moved to curl angrily around his kneecaps. "Then who's going to make him pay?"
A tense silence jittered in the air between them. His turbid face offered no sign that he realized the offensiveness of his own words. Instead, he looked self-assured and furious. Tsunade glared at him—it seemed that her teacher commanded more tact than her teammate.
Sakura breathed out a muted laugh. "I know that you've been asleep for a long time, but I'm much, much stronger than you remember."
"What she means is that she would flatten you with both of her hands tied behind her back!—even when you're healthy again," Tsunade scolded vociferously, "She helped eliminate Sasori of the Akatsuki and matched Itachi Uchiha in combat. You're being rash if you think that you can do more against Danzo than she can right now."
The red in Naruto's eyes faded a little as he gazed at Sakura in awe and disbelief.
"I've learned a thing or two over the past five years, Naruto. I wasn't helpless in the past, and I'm definitely not helpless now. The best thing you can do is heal." She forced herself to smile widely at him. "Heal so that Team 7 can officially reunite again."
"But… you shouldn't have to face him alone. If he's a village elder, he must be really strong."
The sunny blond's brow knitted with concern. No amount of reassurance could ease his worries; not even a commendation from the Hokage could convince him of her strength. However, Sakura knew of one thing that might put his belabored thoughts to rest.
"I won't have to face him alone, Naruto. Sasuke and I'll face him together."
The look of relief that overtook his face was profound and immediate; Sakura internally rolled her eyes.
"Speaking of, where is that charming boy?" Tsunade asked wryly.
Sakura shrugged. "Who knows? He told me he had something to take care of and that he'd be back when was done."
Tsunade raised her eyebrows with tacit doubt. However, what Tsunade chose not to say, Naruto shouted aloud.
"There's no way he'll just come back!"
Sakura leaned back in her armchair without much concern and yawned a little. "No, he'll be back."
Naruto stood from his seat with urgency. "How can you know that? What if we lose him again?"
"Because," she suspired, "I have information he wants."
"Oh." Naruto plopped back into his seat. "Do you mean you guys are dating?"
Immediately, Tsunade and Sakura's heads snapped to pierce him with synchronized glares.
When Sakura failed to provide an answer, Tsunade turned to her student aghast.
"You aren't, are you?"
"Mmmm… What do you mean by 'dating'? I'm not sure, but probably not," Sakura uncomfortably equivocated and then changed the subject, "He'll be back because I have information about his brother. If that doesn't bring him back to Konoha, then nothing will."
"What do you know about his brother?" Naruto asked with breathy gravitas.
Yet another question to which she would offer no answer—in no time at all, Sakura was already back to playing prevaricator. They were beginning to overstay their introvert's welcome, anyway.
"You're looking healthy, Naruto. I don't think I need to check up on you like we originally planned. Why don't you move back into your old apartment? Anyway, I have a lot to do. Lots of cleaning and stuff." Both of her guests blinked blankly at her, so she decided to be more direct. "Look, I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore. After what I've been through, I need at least a week on my own. I'm not going to be the tsukuyomi'd sitting duck anymore—if Danzo and his crew show up again, I'll be conscious and prepared. So, please…just give me the space I need to sort things out."
Neither of them looked pleased by her request, but neither protested. Anyone with a modicum of compassion would respect her wishes on this matter. No person could go through weeks of torture without needing a recovery period. Sakura knew that it would take much longer than a week to recuperate, but she thought that she might be able to begin her slow societal reintegration around that time.
Funny. She was so worried about her two teammates that she had barely paused to consider her own needs. Sakura supposed she could get around to those when Tsunade and Naruto finally let her enjoy some tranquility in her own home.
Taking the initiative, Sakura stood from her seat and cued her guests to do the same. They both looked concerned, but neither fought her request—not that it would have made a difference.
Sakura took them both by the hand—Naruto with her right, Tsunade with her left—and dragged them to the door. Finally, she released her grasp, swung open the exit, and ushered them both back into the hallway.
"It was great seeing you both! Naruto, I'm so glad that you're alive and getting better. Tsunade, thank you for taking such good care of him. Now I'm going to take the next few days to start putting my life back together." A forced grin crinkled the corners of her eyes for authenticity. "I know I'm being selfish, but thank you for understanding. I'll be sure to visit when I'm ready."
"Sakura—!" A closed door cut Naruto's voice short.
Unlike Naruto, Tsunade had not bothered to protest. From the expression she wore, she seemed to understand her student's suffering.
Now that she was alone again, Sakura had one final thing to do before she went back to bed. She walked into the kitchen, ignored the bloody mess, and grabbed some items from the drawer: a pen, a sheet of unlined paper, and an envelope. She considered sitting down, but knew that her letter would be concise.
With a growing tingle of excitement, Sakura scurried into her bedroom and over to her window. In the best cursive she could manage, she wrote her response to Itachi on the paper and tucked it into the envelope. She drew in a deep breath, opened her window to the chilly nighttime air, and placed the envelope on the outside of her windowsill.
Once she closed the window, she refused to let herself look back. Immediately, she turned off the light, strode over to her bed, and curled up under the covers. She could not let herself hope to catch a glimpse of him retrieving her letter—it would consume her in a way that would make no room for rest.
As her eyes drooped and Sakura wandered into the Land of Nod, the note on her windowsill contained the only message that might actually convince Itachi that she had forgiven him. They were two simple words, but she knew they would make him smile if there were no witnesses around to catch him in the act.
Two simple words.
More blueberries.
Authoress's Note:
Woo, finally got around to posting a chapter! Thinking about all of these blueberries is starting to make me hungry.
As usual, thank you all for reading. :) I'm honored that you take time out of your day to read my story. So, thank you. Also, a big thanks to the reviewers, as your good humor and engagement gives me a lot more motivation to keep it up.
I hope you all enjoyed the chapter.
Have a splendiferous evening!
A
