***author's note: arghh, so sorry for the delay. Real life so hectic right now. Thanks for your patience and for reading!***
Now
I spend the next week in a fog.
The Chicago thing had been the only excuse I could come up with to see her.
And it hadn't gone well.
Chicago went even worse.
A blizzard at game time and we were caught back on our heels pretty much the whole game.
Plus you couldn't even see the fucking puck.
Normally, I would have thrived in that climate. Thousands of games I spent growing up at the local pond in the dead of winter playing in weather much worse than that. Games where you brought your skates, your stick and a broom from your mom's kitchen closet. Games where every five minutes, play would be halted, boys would grab the brooms and we'd clear out to play again.
The truth. The bitter truth was that I had let my personal life into my game.
The whole mess started in Sochi.
Actually it started way before that, but since Sochi I haven't felt the same.
And now its starting to bleed into my play.
And that's unacceptable.
I've always been good at compartmentalizing, at least that's what my cousin called it one family party years ago when she'd just taken her first psychology class at the university. What ever it is, it usually works for me. Yeah, I let things get to me sometimes, but generally I can leave it all on the ice. And vice versa, nothing follows me onto the ice that isn't hockey.
But that was starting to change.
And I needed to figure it out soon.
Sochi was the start and I had less than a month for it to finish.
Because come April, there would be no excuses.
Five years since a cup. I hear about it constantly. It surrounds me. Injuries have played a part for sure. But this town wants a cup. This team wants a cup. I want a cup. And the excuses end now.
And then there is Becs.
She's been there for the whole thing. All of it.
And yet she's a stranger to me now.
Sochi was the nail in the coffin for Katy and me. Years of back and forth, breaking up and getting back together again. We'd try to make it work, then distance and work would cause it to fizzle out. Time would go by and we'd try again. But it was obviously not meant to be. Schedules never allowed for us to spend more than a week together. She all over the world doing her thing, me doing mine. I was exhausted. We hadn't spoken in months when she contacted me at the end of January. She'd called and we'd talked for nearly an hour. She was coming into a new phase in her life she'd told me. She wanted to slow down, settle down. She wanted to give us a shot, a real shot. I hadn't seen her since the summer, when we were off we usually didn't communicate. I had no idea what she'd been up to, but she was so eager, so persuading on the phone to try this all again that I caved.
I was just so lonely.
So fucking lonely. And so I thought, why not?
Sochi was supposed to be "our" time she told me. And I should have known better. We barely saw each other. There had been no time. My schedule had been crazy. Nearly every minute was planned out meticulously. The night of closing ceremony we'd talked.Argued, really. We both realized it wasn't going to work. Especially not when I wasn't "giving it my all" according to Katy.
And thing was that I didn't really care. I didn't care at all.
She was a distraction, a place holder in my life, a bookmark in my story. Holding my place but not contributing to the story. She moved along as my story moved along and when I needed to stop she was there. ButI didn't want to stop. I didn't want to hold my place. I wanted to keep going, I wanted to get to that happily ever after. The end of the book where I got the win and I got the girl.
Only I didn't know how to get the girl. Five years and I still didn't know how to get the girl.
Then
Rebecca was going to call in sick.
She'd decided that on the way home that Saturday evening. She'd found the elevator easily following Sidney's angry directions and spent the entire ride up holding back the tears.
She quickly wrapped up her work and made up some excuse to Claude about leaving early.
The bus ride home she had her mind made up, she couldn't go back there, not anytime soon. She was humiliated. Mortified by what had happened. She knew she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time but it didn't change the fact that she couldn't see him. Not ever.
But come Monday morning she was back at the igloo. She'd spent her Sunday visiting her mom's grave and then had dinner at her Aunt Hilary's. Her aunt and uncle had been so eager to hear about her new internship. They'd oohed and ahhed at Rebecca's recounting of who she'd met and what she'd done. They were especially excited when she told them she could getthem tickets to a game. Claude had told her that one of the perks of this "thankless" job was she could have tickets to any game she'd like. She could even watch from one of the team boxes if she wanted to invite her dad and sister. Rebecca wasn't sure if she would take Claude up on the box invitation but she was happy to pass along the tickets to family and friends.
After telling her aunt and uncle about the job, Rebecca was starting to feel guilty about wanting to call in sick. She was so lucky to have this job and while it was a mysterious world to her, the people she spoke to never hesitated to tell her how unbelievable and fortunate she was to have landed this dream internship.
Then she'd had her weekly Sunday night phone call with her dad and she knew she'd have to go back on Monday. Every Sunday without fail he called at 8:30 on the dot and this week was no exception. Rebecca had just put in a load of laundry when the phone rang.
The words Dad Cell illuminated on her phone and she pressed accept.
"Hi Dad," Rebecca said brightly, happy to hear his familiar voice.
"Hey peanut butter." Her dad's deep and rich baritone voice was smooth and comforting. Rebecca liked to think she didn't get homesick, but today, hearing her dad call her the nickname she'd had since she was three years old, brought about a pang of melancholy that threatened to swallow her up.
They chatted about this and that for a few minutes and then the conversation moved to her time at the arena.
"And how's the job?" Daniel cooper asked expectantly, just as he had for the past two months.
"Fine." Rebecca's response was brief, as she was afraid her voice would betray her and her dad would sense something was wrong.
"Just fine? That was tough loss yesterday. Your boys looked lost in the neutral zone and the offense completely dried up." Her father said in an all knowing tone and Rebecca couldn't help but think he took some satisfaction in what he was saying, his allegiance to the orange and black. Not to mention, Rebecca didn't have any idea of what he was talking about. She wanted to tell him everything that happened. Getting lost, what she heard, how Sidney had treated her, but she knew she couldn't. For one, she knew he'd freak out if he knew how she'd been treated, especially by his team's biggest enemy and two, no matter how crazy it sounded, she couldn't expose Sidney like that. No matter how upset she was, she just couldn't let anyone know what she saw, not when it had clearly hurt him so badly. So instead she gave her dad a few vague details of her week and kept yesterday's events out of the conversation.
After a while, her dad's voice turned soft, "I'm proud of you Rebecca. Taking on so much, I know how hard you're working. You're doing so well and I know your mom's real proud of you too." His voice cracked a little bit at the end and Rebecca instantly felt her eyes well up.
"Thanks dad," her voice wavering as she fought not to cry. And she knew she'd go back tomorrow. She'd hold her head high and do her best. Because that was who she was. No matter what.
Her dad then put her little sister on the phone and after a few minutes of hearing about the trials and tribulations of middle school she said goodbye to molly and her dad.
Despite the overwhelming nerves, Rebecca showed up the next day for her usual shift but immediately she could sense something was off with Claude.
Removing her scarf and coat, Rebecca hung up the clothing and greeted Claude the same as she had since she'd started. Claude was hunched over his keyboard inputting dates and mumbled a nervous hello. He didn't even look in her direction and Rebecca grew uneasy. She didn't have a chance to think twice about it, as Claude immediately instructed her to head over to PR to work on a mailing for the Pens Foundation that needed to be out by the end of the day.
Following his instructions she made her way down the hall, cognizant of her surroundings as she kept a look out that none of the players were up on the front office floor, she was pretty sure the team was practicing early and there would be no reason he would be up here. It still didn't make the flurry of butterflies that swarmed her belly go away. With a quick step, she hurried to the public relations department and found a small group of staff sitting around the big conference table surrounded in envelopes and fliers about an upcoming fundraiser.
Chatting up the group, Rebecca grabbed a stack of envelopes and a sheet of labels and got to work, all uneasiness pushed to the back of her mind.
Three hours later, Rebecca was done for the day. She had class in a few hours, so she would catch the 12:10 bus just outside the arena and go home for lunch before grabbing her books and heading to campus. She stopped in Claude's office to get her things and say goodbye when she saw him sitting tiredly in his chair, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose, while his glasses were pushed up onto his large forehead.
He looked up when he saw her and she could feel his discomfort radiate in the room.
"Rebecca," he said, as if he'd been waiting for her.
"Please, sit." He gestured to the chair in front of him and Rebecca's butterflies took flight.
A million thoughts raced through her mind, but one stood out from the rest. She was about to be fired.
Sidney, his dad, whoever, they had gotten her fired.
Rebecca sat down, her hands clasped nervously in her lap as she tried not to fidget.
"This is an awkward position to be in," Claude began, his glasses back on his face as he looked at her with apologetic eyes.
"Sir, I swear, I didn't know-" Rebecca cut in, hoping to have some way of saving herself.
Claude put up a hand, silencing her. "It has come to my attention that you were privy to a private moment the other day among the talent."
The way he said talent made Rebecca uncomfortable, as if they weren't real people just some object.
"I know it was an accident, that you had gotten turned around on your errand to the trainers offices. You are not at fault and you are not in trouble." Claude said quickly, a weak smile on his face.
He must have noticed the pale and panicked look on Rebecca's face, as he rushed out the next few sentences.
"However, this organization prides itself on discretion and professionalism, I was asked, that what you saw and heard, well, that you not share it with anyone. I want to remind you that's stated in the privacy agreement you signed"
Rebecca was dumbfounded, confused. She wasn't in trouble, no one was mad, they were just afraid she'd said something? And shouldn't she be receiving some sort of apology and not feel like she owed one to Claude or even Sidney? Or was being the best hockey player in the world make you exempt from apologizing to nobodies like her?
"I'm sorry?" She said, not as an apology but rather clarification.
"We need to know that you haven't put a player's family matter on any channels of social media you are associated with. MySpace, Twitter, Facebook, that sort of thing. There is a concern that you may have shared your experience in a public manner which would create a negative perception of...the talent."
This whole conversation was putting a bad taste in Rebecca's mouth. What did they think she was? Some gossip?
Rebecca couldn't help but feel offended, who did they think she was?
Claude was now staring, looking even more uncomfortable and Rebecca felt obligated to ease his fears.
"No, I don't have Twitter or MySpace. I have Facebook, but I don't use it too often. I…" she wasn't sure how to finish. She didn't know what Claude wanted her to say. All of a sudden she was feeling very much like an outsider.
Claude had been like a father figure to her in the short time she'd been here. Except for the RITA debacle, Rebecca had been a perfect employee and she thought they really worked well together. But now he was looking at her with distant eyes, he was in full administrator mode and she the lowly employee.
She hated feeling this way and she hated Sidney for making her feel this way.
The exchange between her and Claude came to a shaky conclusion. Rebecca mumbled more assurances that she would not breathe a word of what she saw, which she had to admit was getting ridiculous. Sure it had been a private moment she didn't need to see, but it wasn't like she'd witnessed something scandalous. It was totally being blown out of proportion and she suddenly she was worried this "infraction" would appear on her final evaluation.
She remained composed while she gathered her things, she gave Claude a weak smile and a quiet goodbye and left.
She kept calm on the way out, she stayed cool when she realized it was now pouring and she had no umbrella, she stayed focus as she sprinted to her bus stop and she managed to keep it together when she realized that she'd missed her bus and the next one wouldn't arrive for another 20 minutes. She was fully prepared to stand there and wait in the freezing rain. She couldn't and wouldn't let what was becoming a rather shitty day affect her.
That is until a car, a SUV rushed past her and turned a corner sending a frigid and rather sizable puddle of water her way, drenching her from head to toe.
She stood shocked for a split second, her body instantly strumming with painful chills from the cold.
And that's when she lost it. Blind rage overcame her, as hot and angry tears pooled then poured down her face, freezing her hot cheeks that had been blazing ever since the horrible conversation had started in Claude's office. The SUV was stopped in traffic and without thinking, Rebecca pulled a half full water bottle from her bag and heaved it at the SUV.
"Asshole," she yelled, fully knowing the driver couldn't hear her but feeling a little bit better for saying it nonetheless. The bottle hit the rear window with a loud bump, then bounced off and fell into the road, rolling pathetically away before another car could crush it.
The bottle had been useless, it made no real impact, no damage, but to her horror, she watched the SUV's white lights appear as it became clear the vehicle was moving in reverse and coming towards her. If she hadn't been so angry about the day's events and so freezing cold, her now soaked clothes adding what felt like 40 pounds to her petite form, she would have made a run for it. The owner could be a psychopath, although he'd have to be a rich one, because as the SUV came closer, Rebecca could see that it was a Range Rover. Rebecca didn't know much about cars, but she knew that was a fancy one.
Take a deep breath and swiping at her eyes, she stood tall and confident, ready to battle the rude driver if needed.
Standing there dripping, she was sure she looked like a drowned rat. Her makeup was undoubtedly a mess and her eyes were surely red and squinty, as she knew for a fact she was an ugly crier.
The Range Rover came to a stop right in front of her, and she steeled herself for the confrontation. She didn't think this guy had a leg to stand on, seeing that the bottle did no damage to his car and she was surely going to get pneumonia from this.
The tinted passenger window rolled down and Rebecca was met with what was becoming a familiar face.
It was him.
Sid's head had been a million miles away when he heard the bang come from the back of his car. He'd finished up practice and was heading to meet some of the guys for lunch before they headed out for the road trip. It was a nasty day. November weather was never really pleasant, but today was especially cold and the freezing rain didn't help. The noise had startled him and when his eyes flicked to the rear view mirror he saw a woman yelling from the corner and he could tell she was soaked, he could also tell what she had just yelled too. Instantly he felt badly. It was clear that he had just doused the woman when he'd taken that corner a little faster than he should. It would be polite to apologize, even though the woman appeared to be really pissed. But he would be too and that's why he couldn't just leave. Sighing, he briefly considered how this could play out, considering who he was, but decided it was the right thing to do.
It wasn't until he rolled down his passenger window and the heartfelt apology was halfway out of his mouth that he realized who she was.
"I'm really sorry about th—" He stopped mid-sentence when he realized that the soaking wet woman was Rebecca.
He'd learned her name when he'd gone to Claude's office the day after their exchange looking to apologize and make sure she hadn't started some internet sensation about how Sidney Crosby was a mega jerk-off. He'd remembered who she was about 30 seconds after she'd disappeared from his sight. Giving himself a few seconds to calm down, he suddenly had connected the dots and realized who she was and why she was in that corridor. He'd instantly felt terrible. He'd been upset and exposed and he'd acted like…well a mega jerk-off. Sheepishly he'd confessed to Claude what had happened and why he needed to learn the name of Claude's newest intern. He made the mistake of mentioning a concern about what "public" ramifications the encounter could bring about and Claude went into damage control mode. He assured he would speak with Rebecca and make sure that she didn't say anything about what happened. Sid worried that the apology he had would get lost in that conversation, but he was too embarrassed about the whole situation to push it.
Now here he was face to face with this girl who he seemed to keep running into and in the most unfortunate of circumstances.
"Oh, hi." Was his stupid follow up to the broken sentence he'd started with.
The girl, Rebecca, just stared at him, red faced and understandably freezing, a frown on her face.
"It's you." She seethed.
Well this was awkward.
"Hey, Rebecca, right?" Sid tried to keep it light, ignoring the fact that he was yelling across his car and she was standing in heavy rain shivering uncontrollably.
He watched as she began to walk away and he called out, "Wait, do you want a ride?" It was the least he could do.
"No." she said sharply not bothering to look at him. It appeared that she was trying to maintain some dignity, but she really was soaked through.
Putting the car in drive, Sid began to drive slowly, following Rebecca as she was walking.
"Come on, let me give you a ride." He insisted.
She continued on her way, her gaze straight ahead, her chin jutted forming a stubborn profile.
"Please, Rebecca, get in the car." Sid pleaded, not quite sure why he didn't just drive away. Although, the crushing guilt was probably a factor.
"Leave me alone," she shouted turning to face him.
A car behind him angrily honked.
Sid was quickly growing frustrated.
"Look, I'm sorry about splashing you back there and for the other day, if you'd just get in I can explain—oh shit!"
He'd been in mid plead when all of a sudden Rebecca went down hard. One second she was stalking down the street, obviously she was a stubborn person and next thing she was out of his view and crumpled on the sidewalk.
Quickly Sid put the car into park and jumped out, quickly racing around the Range Rover.
The car behind him honked again and Sid shot the driver a deathly look.
"She fell," he yelled gesturing wildly at Rebecca on the sidewalk, "Fucking go around me!"
He quickly came to her side, although she was already on her hands and knees, attempting to stand.
Sid felt badly about how pathetic she looked and tried to help her up by grabbing her elbow gently.
"Leave me alone!" she shouted, wrenching her arm away from him, but as she tried to stand, she slipped again and fell back to her hands and knees. Apparently she'd found herself on a sizable patch of ice that the frigid wet temperatures had created.
Sid took a step back, he didn't want to escalate the situation any longer. He had done everything he could think of, he didn't want her flipping out on him, so he kept a safe distance.
After a moment, Rebecca was able to stand. Shooting him a dirty look, she brushed herself off, picked up her belongings and started to walk. She didn't get far, as she discovered she'd twisted her ankle pretty badly and it was obvious she was in pain.
"Will you let me help you?" Sid asked in a quiet but exasperated voice. He was now dripping too, as the rain had picked up.
Rebecca face clearly showed she was battling with herself, but finally she turned and nodded reluctantly.
"Okay."
