Then
Before Rebecca knew it, it was December. She was anxiously awaiting a response from Yale on her admittance. She didn't want to be cocky but she was sure she'd gotten in. The question was, would she get the aid she needed to make Yale Law School an actual possibility? She hadn't needed to worry about undergrad, her full scholarship paid for everything: classes, books and even a stipend to cover rent. Her grades and SAT scores had gotten her to Pitt easily, but was it enough to get her to the Ivy League? She wanted it so badly. She'd never felt so determined about anything in her life. She had a legacy to continue. A legacy that had come to a tragic end and it was up to her to pick up where her mom left off.
Christmas was coming soon and that meant the end of the semester. End of semester meant finals and Rebecca was using every spare second to study. She brought her textbooks everywhere, even her required 15 minute break at the Igloo was spent going over notes or rereading chapters. She'd even put her notes on one of those recorder do-dads so that she could go over them anytime she was on the bus or walking to class or even while she was in the shower. She'd gotten borderline obsessive and was one step away from putting her Policy Formation Process book under her pillow and pray for osmosis.
She was fully and completely distracted at work. She knew it and she felt badly about it, but she just found it too hard to care about inputting airport codes for parents week that wasn't until the new year. Focusing on data entry was hard enough, but then when given errands to run she often found herself in a complete and utter daze. Which is why for the first few weeks of December she found herself running into everything and everyone. She'd ride up and down the elevator twice before she'd remember to get off, she was running into tables and couches in the players lounge. She'd knocked over sports drinks and protein shakes as she walked blindly with her stack of itineraries balanced in her arms weaving in and out of traffic in the locker rooms, bumping into players and drink carts and anything else in her way. It had gotten so bad that she'd earned the nickname oopsy from the tall Russian, Geno. It had evolved from the Coopsy the players cheerfully called out in greeting when she made her way down during her many errands. But after the miriad of bloopers she'd displayed recently, Malkin, who found Coopsy to be a mouthful, renamed her oopsy and it stuck. Way more than she wanted it too. But the truth was, she was one big gag reel these days and even she had to admit it was funny. It got so bad that one of the maintenance men had joked with her one afternoon that she must be in love. That could be the only reason for the permanent glazed look she'd adopted recently. Rebecca's cheeks burned hotly at the older man's assessment, especially since he'd given it while emptying the trash in the players lounge and well within the earshot of many of the players. Quickly she'd assessed the room to see who had heard and would give her a hard time about it. Sure enough she caught eyes with Sid who was grinning like an idiot. A very good looking idiot, but an idiot all the same. She mumbled a feeble explanation about her exams and looked away quickly hoping to defuse the mortifying comment, but Max picked up on it quickly. He grabbed a banana from the snack table and was by her side, a mock interview quickly in place asking her who the lucky guy was.
It wasn't mean spirited or nasty, she'd quickly learned how their senses of humor worked. They loved playing pranks or embarrassing one another and they seemed happy to bring her into that whenever she stopped by. She guessed she should be flattered and she had to admit that she could often be too serious for her own good. She had a few friends in Pittsburgh, but not a genuine group that went out together and joked around with each other, a group like you'd see in an Abercrombie & Fitch ad or on a show on the CW. It wasn't like she was built for that kind of social platform anyway, but she did enjoy the inclusion she felt from the guys sometimes. Max continue his barrage of embarrassing questions and Rebecca couldn't help but search for Sidney again. She located him easily, but noticed an unreadable expression on his face and it made her feel warm and awkward and uncomfortable with this faux beau Max had built up.
Extracting herself quickly from the arm Max had slung over her shoulders, Rebecca made up a feeble excuse and beelined for the elevators, careful not to trip or bump into anything. Safe in the confines of the elevator, Rebecca's mind went to the other topic that had taken up nearly all of her brain power lately.
Sidney.
When she wasn't thinking about school, she was thinking about him. She'd been thinking about him nonstop since that disastrous afternoon. After their cease fire and reintroductions, which were more like an actual introduction, Sid insisted he help Rebecca to her apartment. No longer angry and now lost in how wide he smile actually was, Rebecca nodded dumbly and allowed the assistance. With her arm slung around his shoulders and his arm securely around her waist Sid led her up the narrow staircase with relative ease. Rebecca had been thankful that she'd recently cleaned her apartment, so that Sid wasn't inundated with old bowls of cereal and ramen noodles, or underwear strown all around the studio apartment. He set her up on the couch, propped her leg up and retrieved some ice from her freezer and put together a makeshift ice pack. Rebecca sat propped up on the couch while Sid stood over her, not quite sure what to do next. It was almost easier when disaster raged around them because at least there was something to focus on, this was just plain uncomfortable.
Mumbling a quick goodbye Sid made his way out of the apartment and Rebecca had thought about him everyday since.
Her love life wasn't exactly thriving these days. She'd had a few short term boyfriends during her college years, if you could call them boyfriends. She had a knack for attracting guys more awkward than she and together they usually skirted around something for a good while before actually presenting their intentions. Then after a few meh dates and some clumsy sex the relationship would die down and the calls would stop coming.
Not that this happened a lot. Twice actually. Rebecca had only been with three people since she became sexually active at the age of eighteen. She'd been a social pariah in high school, missing every typical high school experience a teenager had. Her first time had been Christmas, her second year in college. She'd gone home for the holidays and been persuaded to go to a party by her friend Justine. Upon entering the party, she'd realized they were all people who'd never spoken a word to her in high school and resided much higher up the social ladder than she had. Too many jello shots later she'd ended up in a bedroom with Peter Hill, a jock, but not one of the obnoxious ones. He'd been on the cross country team but they'd been in debate club together also. He was always quiet but nice and that's kind of how he ended up being in bed too. It was a typical first time. Clumsy, weird, kind of nice and a little bit painful. Peter had been very...polite, but there really wasn't anything to pursue, although she was grateful to him for holding back her hair when she started puking up lime jello during what was supposed to be the afterglow. She didn't speak to him after that night. The next two guys came in junior year and neither lasted very long. And now here it was senior year and the first person she'd ever had a legitimate crush on, ended up being a professional athlete and a complete one-eighty from anyone she'd ever be interested in before.
In the weeks since the conception of the crush, Rebecca hadn't seen much of Sid. Road trips and schedules didn't allow her to see much of him and vice versa. Not that she even had a the slightest delusion that he felt anything towards her like she did him.
Despite their encounters they knew nothing about one another (well other that what Rebecca had done during her cyber stalking). But that was about to change, one Sunday afternoon.
It had been a rough month for the team so far, their schedule had been busy and they hadn't played well. Rebecca had started to follow the wins and loses and knew the team was not doing great. She was putting in a full day at the Igloo and was spending her lunch hour studying in a quiet and isolated part of the arena she'd discovered while lost. It appeared to be an old equipment room that wasn't used anymore and it was the perfect place to escape to and get some reading in before Claude expected her back.
She'd been reading quietly in the corner on the top of some workout mats when she heard someone enter and then a voice.
"Yeah, I know." the voice heaved a heavy sigh and Rebecca instantly knew it was Sid.
She kept quiet, not wanting to eavesdrop but not really having a choice.
"I'm trying. Uh huh. Ok. I will. Yep, talk to you later. Love yo-" And then she heard the sound of a phone snap shut and then a loud "Fuck" along with some banging.
Not wanting a repeat experience, Rebecca instantly was on her feet and made herself known.
"Hey," she said to the broad back of Sid. He was wearing a grey t-shirt and shorts and had his head bent.
He startled at the sound of her voice and turned around to face her. His handsome face looked worn with worry.
"Sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to surprise you." Rebecca said quickly, her voice cautious. "I was just studying because its quiet here. I'll go." She held up her textbook at proof and headed toward the door quickly.
"No, wait." Sid's voice held no anger or irritation. It was tired but kind.
Rebecca turned towards him.
"Stay, please. I interrupted you." He said, he wasn't smiling but he also didn't seem bothered that she'd overheard a conversation that she assumed must have been with his father. "I'll go."
Rebecca didn't want that. She knew part of the reason was because of the crush she was harboring, but also because she felt bad for him and it seemed like he could use someone to talk to.
"You dont have to," she said tentatively. "Do you want to talk about it?"
It seemed like an insanely stupid question. Why would he, want to talk to her about something that clearly was a sensitive topic?
But Rebecca wanted him to stay and maybe she could help...somehow.
Sid scratched the back of his head and looked at her curiously.
"Eh, not really." he said, but settled down onto the mats and made himself comfortable. "But I'll hang out for a bit."
It seemed so surreal, but nevertheless Rebecca walked back to her spot and sat down next to him. He must have just finished practice, he was freshly showered and his hair was still a little bit wet. It put many images in Rebecca's head that she quickly shook out.
The awkward silence set in.
Rebecca smoothed her hands over the cover of her book, needing something to occupy her trembling hands and Sid took notice.
"What are you reading?" he asked.
"Oh, its just for school. Studying."
Sid nodded and looked at her, his face alive with interest.
It was disconcerting.
"Oh yeah? I figured you must be a student, where do you go?"
"Pitt. I'm a senior, so its my last year. I have finals next week and I'm trying to get in all the studying I can. This is environmental law. It's actually pretty interesting." Rebecca worried she was rambling, so she stopped talking.
But Sid seemed genuinely interested.
"Pitt? That's a good school and environmental law sounds tough. Are you going to school for law?" he asked.
Rebecca nodded, "I want to be a lawyer. So I'm going to Pitt for undergrad and hoping Yale for law school." Her voice grew with confidence.
Sid let out a whistled. "Wow, Yale? That's impressive."
Rebecca wasn't sure what to say, so she went back to rambling. "It will be if I get in." She bit at her lip. "I'm waiting to hear back on whether I got accepted or not. I think I have a good chance. That's kind of why I'm here. The internship, I mean, it's suppose to help flush out my application. My dad, he knows Claude, they went to high school together, but it isn't like this is a favor or anything. I had to apply, I interviewed, they didn't just give it to me." Rebecca hurriedly backtracked afraid she'd made it seem like she got preferential treatment.
Sid held up his hands in mock protest. "Hey, don't worry, your secret is safe with me." He smiled broadly and Rebecca felt the butterflies return.
"So your dad knew Claude from way back when, is your family from Canada?" Sid asked leaning back against the wall and stretching his legs out in front of him.
Rebecca pulled her crossed legs in, "Delaware. That's where I grew up, but my Dad is Canadian. He and my mom moved back to the US a couple years before I was born. My mom...my mom was from Pittsburgh, but they met at Niagara Falls. She went to Pitt too, that's how I ended up here." Rebecca trailed off, she'd entered a topic she hadn't wanted to discuss, but she felt comfortable talking to Sid. It was quite the departure from before.
"Oh nice. She must love it that you're here then?"
Rebecca felt her mouth go dry and her stomach churn suddenly, but she replied anyway.
"I like to think so. She...um, she died."
The air in the room shifted and Rebecca silently wished she hadn't just said those words. She felt the sting at the back of her eyes and wanted so much to change the subject.
"I'm sorry." Sid's voice was soft and quiet and to her mortification, Rebecca felt the tear slide down her face. She swiped quickly at it.
"It's ok, it happened a long time ago, when I was younger. But I like being here, in Pittsburgh. It makes me feel closer to her. And my aunt and her family live here, so it's kind of like home."
Sid blew out a big breath, "Wow," was all he said.
Rebecca felt her spine stiffen, "You don't have to feel bad for me." She said quickly, her voice more tense than she wanted. "I miss her, but I'm ok. I have my dad and my sister, we're good."
Rebecca knew she was coming off defensive and the tears began to threaten. Jesus, did she have to cry every time she talked to him? She needed to go. She started to stand up when she felt Sid's hand on her arm, "Don't go." he said.
Rebecca looked at Sid and he could see a little bit of fear in her eyes. He wasn't sure where it came from and whether it was directed at him or where this conversation was going. It was heavy stuff but he didn't want her to think that he felt badly for her. So he began to ramble himself.
"That was my dad on the phone. He's concerned about how the team is doing and sometimes he can be kind of...intense about my play. See, we almost won it all last year and this summer….well it was really tough. I want so much for this year to go better, but its just shaky and he's in my ear a lot about me stepping up and it can be...challenging. I dont know, I just want to win you know? And I want my dad to be proud of me. I know your mom would be really proud of you Rebecca."
Rebecca just stared at Sidney. She was so grateful to him for steering the conversation in a different direction, but her heart swelled at what he said about her mom. She wanted him to know that he was deserving too.
"Your dad should be proud of you, you're amazing." Rebecca said vehemently.
Sid looked at her, his eyebrows raised slightly, a small smile forming his face.
Rebecca instantly went crimson. "I mean you're a really good player..the best. I've seen you."
It just all sounded worse and worse and she was getting more embarrassed by how hokey she sounded.
Sid playfully bumped his shoulder against hers, "I know what you mean. Thanks, Becs."
Rebecca felt the warmth pool in her belly at the sound of the nickname. It made her feel like they were...friends. As unlikely as it seemed.
"See, this is a lot easier than being enemies, right?" Sid joked.
Rebecca returned the smile and nodded. "Yeah and not as painful."
Sid laughed fully and heartily. They spent the last few minutes of Rebecca's break just talking about mindless stuff, then it was time to go.
"See ya," he easily said with a duck of his head as he headed back to his world.
"Bye," Rebecca said softly as she turned and headed back to hers.
Now
The whole drive home I'm a mess.
What was that? Why did I let it happen? How could I be so stupid?
He wasn't mine. He would never be mine.
And what about him?
I'm confused.
I hate being confused.
He's engaged.
Not that anything would change is he wasn't.
Right?
The drive home is luckily quick. A lot of the older staff live in the outlying suburbs with their families, while the young people live in trendy apartments downtown. I'm in between, over in Squirrel Hill. I love the neighborhood, it's quiet with big old trees lining the streets. I have an old craftsman style house that I moved into the second year after I'd become the travel secretary, after it became clear that this is where I would be staying.
Tonight I just don't have the energy to pack, nor the focus to study. I pull into the driveway and let myself into the dark and quiet house. I flip on the lights and open the fridge, staring at it's contents and contemplating dinner. I haven't grocery shopped all week, so I decide to get take out.
An hour later, I am showered and dressed in sweats. My hair's pulled up in a messy bun and I'm munching on cashew chicken on my couch catching up on my dvr. The house is a disaster. Boxes everywhere, my dining room table covered with study guides and practice tests.
Tonight, I just want to shut it all out. I set my chinese to go box on the coffee table and I stifle a yawn. I just want to finish up this episode of Project Runway and then I'll go to bed.
I must have dozed off because I'm awoken to a knock on my door. It startles me out of a deep sleep and it takes me a moment or two to realize what is going on. The clock on the tv reads 11 o'clock, so I must not have slept for too long. I'm a bit disoriented as I smooth out my hair and straighten out my pajamas and then the knock comes again. Fuzzy brained I pad my way over to door, my pajamas consisting of flannel plaid pants and a Pitt t-shirt and my hair, despite my attempts, is a rats nest on top of my head. I look through the peep hole to see who it is and instantly I'm awake.
I go through the motions at Skates and Plates. I feel badly because people have paid good money to be part of the fundraiser. But ever since I saw Rebecca this evening my mind has been a thousand different places. I haven't been that near to her in almost a year. Sure I see her all the time, but she's been doing a stellar job keeping her distance and like I said, I've run out of ideas on how to get close to her. So tonight as I watched her bounce from person to person, a genuine smile on her face as she pinned flowers on all the guys, I knew that this was my chance, it was now or never. And never wasn't an option.
It was brief but meaningful. At least to me it was and I think to her too, although who knows with her. I know guys are clueless and I'm no exception, but I just cant figure her out. Most of the time I dont know whats going through her head, but tonight it was written all over her face. There is something there. I know there is. And after years of being so sure there wasn't something more than just...well, I've got to do something. I have to try.
After Socchi I decided that I needed a change. I tried to move on but I don't want to. I want Rebecca, I've always wanted Rebecca. And I can make her want me too. If tonight was any indication, I have a chance.
So here I am at her doorstep. I take a deep breath and knock on the door.
It takes a while but finally there she is. Dwarfed in sleeper pants and a t-shirt, she looks rumpled and tired and I briefly have a moment of doubt. Was this a good idea? But I can't second guess myself.
She looks at me with a slightly panicked look and I just want to pull her into my arms. But life isn't like that. There is no big moment, no big breakaway to get the winning goal, no win that makes all the adversity and pain and fear and disappointment all worth it. Its work and I'm ready for it.
"Hi," I say, my hands shoved deeping in my jeans.
Rebecca opens her mouth, then closes it again. I wait for her eyes to narrow, for the wall to go up, just as it has for years now. But it doesn't. Her eyes are wide and a little bit fearful.
"Hi." she says softly.
"I thought we could talk." I say quickly.
At first she looks like she's going to say no. Slam the door shut and be done with me. But then I see something change in her eyes. Defiance becomes surrender and then changes to something else, something I've never seen before.
Defeat.
"Ok," she says simply and lets me in.
It's not the first time I've been in her house. The memories come flooding back. I've always liked her home. Its cozy and comfortable, but nicely decorated. Warm colors, dark wood, pictures of her family and friends and places from all over the world hang on the walls. I look around and quickly I realize that something isn't right.
There are boxes.
Lots of them.
And the dining table is covered with stuff and the letters L-S-A-T stare back at me. I know what that stands for, because of Rebecca I know what that stands for.
I look at her, confused, Im sure the look on my face is laughable.
But shes not laughing. She stands there, wringing her hands, worry saturating her face.
"What's going on? What is this? Are you moving, I thought you loved this place?"
Her eyes begin to well as she shakes her head slowly.
And then I know. And it socks me in the stomach that I nearly lose my breath.
"You're leaving."
It's not a question.
She nods. A sad look on her face.
"What about us?" I ask, even though its a stupid question.
"There is no us, Sid." she says softly.
"But…" I'm at a loss for words. "You can't." I say lamely
"I have to," she says.
"Where are you going?"
"Philly," I tell him. And my heart nearly breaks at the look on his face. When he was there suddenly at my door, I thought, I can stop him from coming in. I can tell him to go and he wont know, at least not yet, not until I'm ready with my vengeance and anger and misplaced disappointment. But then I knew it was futile. He needed to know, I needed him to know. I was moving on and it was time he knew.
But I can't be mean or angry about it. It's too hard. It's too sad.
His face changes when I say it.
"Philly," he spits out.
"I'm going to law school there. I've decided to leave the Penguins and I'm starting school in the fall."
"So you're just going to go." he says, his handsome features tight with frustration. It's not quite the reaction I thought, but everything is different than I thought it would be.
"I have to," I say and I feel the tears threaten again.
"Why?"
"Because it hurts too much here." I say honestly.
"And us? You say there is no us, but what about the past five years? Doesn't that mean anything?" He's shouting now.
And suddenly some of that fire that raged inside me just a few weeks ago begins to ignite.
"No, it doesn't." I tell him. "You know it doesn't, that's the point. It never did. And that's why I can't stay."
He's staring at me, his eyes narrowed on mine and his whole body is coiled in tension.
"It was your idea." He says coldly.
My idea? I think. My idea?
"It doesn't matter anymore." I say, not wanting to take his bait.
He laughs bitterly, "It doesn't matter. Ok, whatever. You're right, it doesn't matter because I don't know if it was your idea or my idea. I dont know anything because you dont say anything, you dont tell me about how you feel or what you're thinking. You keep my at this distance. Ever since….years, Becs. Fucking years we've been doing this and I never know anything because you are fucking Fort Knox over there. And now you're just going to go. And none of this ever mattered. Fucking me for the nearly five years doesn't matter."
And there it is.
My shame. My secret shame spoken aloud. Not that its a secret to either of us. But the way he says it, it's hard to hear.
I've had sex with Sidney Crosby fourteen times. I've kept track. Some of the times more memorable than the others. On and off again since I've been with the Penguins. And we weren't in a relationship when it was happening, in fact usually after it happened I hated myself and he would go running back to Katy.
I'm not a homewrecker though. We may not have ever talked about what we were doing or why we were doing it, but I knew for certain when it was happening that they weren't together. While everything about this scenario is a moral and emotional disaster, I at least made one thing certain, I wasn't going to be someone's affair, someone's mistress. The idea of it anyway is completely laughable.
What's even more laughable is that I'm in love with him. I've been in love with him for five years. And every time I was with him, it was because I loved him. And the worst part, the hardest part, is right now as he's standing in front of me and looking at me like I'm the scum of the earth, and I love him even more.
And it scares me. Because we've never talked about it. Ever.
And we don't anymore, fuck that is. Last spring was the last time. After the playoffs. It was quick and we didn't say much, we never do. And he left. Gone like a ghost till the Fall.
And then I was late. Three weeks late. And my period like myself is never tardy.
And I was scared, so so scared. I couldn't bring a child into this world with parents as fuck buddies, no matter how I felt about him.
I took a test and it was negative. I'd never been so happy to fail a test in my life. A few days later my period came and along with great relief, I knew that I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't pretend that I didn't feel anything. And the few months later when I got a random text that he was in town and could he stop by? (our lame code for sex), I ignored it. And the one after that and the one after that, until they stopped.
And now for him, to be like this? To confuse me and make me think there is something there when he's engaged to someone else.
It's not fair. And I tell him so.
He looks at me shocked, the anger put away for a least a moment. Then he finally speaks, "I'm not engaged to Katy."
And now I'm really confused.
And I'm scared, more than ever, because this could change everything.
***Author's Note: Thank you all for waiting on this chapter, it ended up being way more exhausting and time consuming than I thought it would be. A lot is explained in this chapter and I hope you enjoyed it. There still are a few surprises to come but I'm happy to get the big secret out because its so hard to write without properly explaining why these two are so angsty (I didn't want to give anything away until it was time). As always your reviews are my reward, so please let me know what you think and thanks for reading!***
