Now

"What?" I ask dumbly.

Sid runs his hand through his hair and makes some sort of undefinable noise.

"I'm not engaged to Katy. Where did you even hear something like that?" he asks, his eyes piercing mine and throwing me off kilter for a moment.

My head is spinning and I'm starting to feel nauseous. What have I done? Did I just give up everything for a meaningless rumor that is proving to have no validity?

And does this even change anything? We were done months and months ago.

Sid looks at me expectantly, waiting for my response and suddenly I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I let office gossip dictate such a huge life change.

And so I do, what I always do, I go on the defensive.

"It doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything. I'm tired, I think you should go." My voice starts strong but doesn't stay that way. I'm standing there in my entry way, my arms crossed and looking at him defiantly. I can tell he's growing frustrated.

"Will you stop saying that?!" Sid's voice rises.

"I'm saying it, because it's true. You can't say different, because afterwards…" oh shit, I'm going to cry again. There is so much I want to say, but I just can't.

After all this time, it's still too raw.

What I want to say is that each time he goes back to her. The model. The fun, carefree, one. The one who would smile at him and hang onto every word. The one who never had a hair out of place or a flaw on her makeup. She's everything he is suppose to have. And me? I don't know. A distraction maybe?

I take a minute to compose myself. I hate that I'm so emotional around him. No one else in the world affects me like Sid does. No one else makes me lose every rational and sensible thought in my head like him. I'm around him and I can't think.

"Katy and I are through." He says plainly. "We were never going to get married. She wanted to reconcile, give us another try. And...I thought why not? But it didn't work out. We never worked out. It's just...you wouldn't return my texts, my calls. You just stopped talking to me. It's like suddenly, after that summer. You were a stranger. And I figured it was time to move on."

The way he says it, reminds me of another time, of another summer.

"I thought...what we were doing, was what you wanted." He says. "I thought that's the way you wanted it."

My head is swimming. I always thought that was the way he wanted it. But I don't say that. I can't let him know that I have been this pathetic, lovesick fool for nearly five years. That I thought so little of myself that I'd sleep casually with a man I love, knowing there was never a chance for anything more.

He's walking towards me now. I'm so lost in thought that I don't realize until he is close.

So close.

The tears are slowly rolling down my cheeks and I can't look at him, not when he is this close.

"I don't want to move on," he's standing in front of me, I can feel his heat and yet the tears continue to stream down my face. It's just too much.

"I want you, Becs. And I know you want me to."

I close my eyes, trying to gain some composure so that I can talk to him like a normal person.

That we can talk like normal people, as futile as that sounds.

Then I feel it. His finger, so gently rubs the bridge of my nose. Up and down the pad of his finger runs.

I open my eyes. And I know he can see it. See every emotion, every feeling, written all over my face.

And then he kisses me.


Then

Throughout the month of December, they met a few more times in the equipment room. Nothing happened other than conversation. Sid was easy to talk to and Rebecca, who tended to be quite by nature, was a good listener. Sid wasnt sure what it was, but being able to chat freely with Rebecca was a welcomed change. In the few years since he'd arrived, he'd often felt overwhelmed. While he'd been bred for this, the excitement the team brought to the city and in turn the city's response to him could sometimes be...scary. Not that he would ever say that out loud. Living with Mario helped. Having that family atmosphere day in and day out made life easier.

And he had plenty of friends, it wasnt like he was lonely. But he'd found himself wandering through the halls, telling himself he wasnt looking for her, he just found himself pleased when he saw her and a bit of a rush coursed his veins when she'd greet him, surprised but happy he was there. He felt a nagging guilt each time he laughed at something she said, or when his eyes lingered a little too long at her profile when he was sure she wasnt looking. But he'd convinced himself that it was entirely innocent. He just liked spending time with her, no matter how strange it seemed.

And she was smart. Really smart. She told him about cases she was studying and stories about the city he'd never known about. She had a professor that liked to tell true crime stories about strange disappearances or unsolved murders that took place centuries ago in Pittsburgh. That stuff fascinated Sid. He'd watch as Rebecca's face would become animated telling the tales and her hands would move quickly as the stories got more and more complex and bizarre. Sid in turn would share his own stories. Stories about weird teammates who had strange habits, places he'd gone, people he'd met. It wasnt bragging really, more like giving her an unfiltered version of his life. Everything he said and did was tailored to the person he was interacting with. To the media he was well spoken but guarded, to the Lemieux's he was a kid with the world on his shoulders, to his parents he was whatever he could to make them proud, to his teammates he was the captain, a young leader who had to set an example. But with Rebecca he was just him. Ever since she'd seen him with his dad and he'd treated her so poorly, he had this odd connection to her. Someone had seen the ugly side and they didn't care. Not only didn't she care, she hadn't told anyone what had happened. And that meant something to him.

She was his friend. And she was different than any friend he'd ever had.

But still there was the guilt. The guilt because there was one other person he had to be a certain way with. Someone who he was supposed to be able to tell anything to. Someone he didn't have to be a certain way with.

Katy.

He'd met Katy a couple of summers ago. She'd been at a luncheon in LA that he'd been invited to. It had been sponsored by Men's Fitness magazine and Katy was a model and often did work for their sister publication. She was bubbly and gorgeous. A huge smile and the sweetest girl he'd ever met. She was down to earth and from a small town in western Virginia. They'd hit it off and for the past few years had been dating. He'd always been hesitant to call her his girlfriend. Sure they went on dates and had a pretty healthy sex life, but the problem was their schedules were always completely off. They'd see one another here and there and while their was genuine affection and obvious attraction, Sid was hesitant to call it love. But it was simple. It was easy. And he needed that. Craved it. Katy put no pressure on him and vice versa. They made a point to see each other more in the summers but during the season it was rare. And so that commitment, that bond, it just never seem to grow, to flourish. He was happy to see her when he did, but it wasnt like he was pining away when she was gone.

There was just something off. While he enjoyed spending time with her, he always felt like he was holding something back. Keeping a piece of himself guarded. It wasn't something that he could even define. He just knew it was there, this barrier that kept him from going all in. Kept him from falling in love.

He thought during those few weeks with Rebecca, sprawled out on old floor mats that this was what he should have with Katy. This openness, this trust that just sort of happened.

And for Rebecca, well it was simple. She liked Sidney. A lot. She liked the way he explained things, she liked the way his eyes were so intent on her when she was talking. She liked the way he laughed and his eyes would scrunch up and his nostrils would flair and the big row of teeth would be exposed. And she liked most that despite everything leading up to this point, he made her feel like she belonged. That she was supposed to be here. That they were supposed to become friends. That all their misadventures brought them to this place. And she knew it wouldn't last forever. She was growing very attached to a situation that was only temporary, not to mention they were worlds apart. There was no way this would end the way she wanted it to. And she needed to keep reminding herself of that. It was easy to forget how out of her league he was. She really couldn't quite explain why he seemed to enjoy her company, why he kept showing up at the equipment room. Why she showed up even after finals were over and she had no reason to be there.

And finals were over. Finally. She'd be leaving soon to go to Delaware for the holidays. She was relieved of her internship duties for two and a half weeks, returning in the new year.

A few days before she was leaving, Dara, a girl from her poly sci study group invited her out for drinks with some friends. A celebration of surviving finals and the semester. Rebecca was hesitant but decided to go. It was a Thursday night and she'd be packing tomorrow and leaving first thing Saturday morning for home. Plus she just needed to let off some steam.

Rebecca wasnt a big drinker, but Dara and her friends were. They met up at south side and within a few hours had hit up four bars. Each bar had included a variety of shots and by midnight the group had dwindled down to Dara, another kid from their study group, James and Rebecca. In the first hour, Rebecca had wracked her brain for a believable excuse to wimp out and go home, but after a few drinks and a ton of shots, she was actually getting into it. This was the "college experience." This was her night to be part of the fun, rather than watching from the sidelines.

She'd dressed for the occasion. Dark jeans and a cream colored cable knit sweater that complimented her olive skin. She'd swept her dark hair up in a ponytail and gone a little heavy handed on the mascara. But she fit in. And she was having fun.

The trio stumbled down Carson Street. The sidewalks were packed with people enjoying a mild mid-December night, where school was out and others were looking to blow off some steam as well.

The Penguins had played tonight and won. The wrap up show had been on at some of the bars they'd gone to. She'd watched the highlights, her eyes scanning the screen for number 87. He'd scored two goals and gotten two assists. A great night for him. The group had known she was interning at the Igloo, but Rebecca kept her answers vague when pressed about what the experience was like. She made it seem as unglamorous as possible and the group seemed to not press for more information.

Things changed when they got to Mario's.

Mario's was a required stop on the South side tour of binge drinking. A fun bar that sported an impressive spinning wheel of shot selections, Mario's was also known for its Penguins pride. Signed jerseys adorned the walls and a special section was often closed off for the players who occasionally visited the popular pub. Everything was kind of blurry for Rebecca upon entering Mario's. Dara made a beeline for the bar, while Rebecca and James were in charge of finding a place to sit. The place was packed and it didn't take long to find out why.

Rebecca and James had just taken a seat in a booth when, Dara came rushing up with three beers.

"Oh my god, you wont believe what I just heard at the bar," Dara said excitedly, sliding into the booth next to James.

"What?" asked James, as he took a big swig of his beer.

"A bunch of the Penguins are here tonight." Dara gushed.

Rebecca's alcohol addled brain was slow to comprehend Dara's words.

James gasped dramatically, while Dara continued, "I know! This guy says he saw Talbot and Crosby, and this other girl says she saw Whitney and Tanger downstairs by the bathrooms. Can you believe it?"

Even Rebecca had to admit she was surprised. She'd been around the team for months now and she'd never really thought of them going out to the bars like regular people. She knew they had a few nights off for the holidays, so it wasnt unheard of that some of the guys would be out. Immediately she thought about Sid. How strange it would be to see him outside of his hockey world. Other than the ride home, she'd never even seen him outside of the Igloo. She was still quite hazy from the drinks, but her mind began to focus as she began to scan the bar for him.

"They have a VIP space upstairs," Dara said, noticing Rebecca's wandering gaze.

Rebecca looked up and sure enough she could make out Max's profile. It was fuzzy, but undoubtedly him. She watched for a moment and then Sid came into view.

Immediately she looked away, her cheeks instantly flushed hot.

Suddenly she felt self conscious. She was pretty drunk and while the players weren't her bosses and she obviously wasnt working, she wondered if this would look bad.

Unprofessional. But then again, they were here too and she could tell both Max and Sid had drinks in their hands.

"You should get us up there," Dara exclaimed, her bright eyes dancing with excitement. She was a pretty girl. Short and curvy, with long blond hair and small

features. She was wearing a low cut dress and heels, a far cry from the jeans and sweatshirts, Rebecca usually saw her in.

"I..I..I..don't know," Rebecca stammered. "I don't really know them," she sort of lied. "I don't think they would remember me."

"Please?!" Dara pleaded. "It would be so amazing and what an end to our night. I mean you could just ask. It would be so cool."

Rebecca had to admit that it would be cool to have drinks with the guys, plus up until now she hadn't had much to contribute to the night. She liked Dara and James and would like to be better friends with them. Plus the alcohol running through her veins helped her come to the decision that it wasnt a bad idea after all.

"Ok," Rebecca nodded, "I'll ask."

Dara clapped excitedly and James, while not really interested in the sports aspect of it all, was excited to meet some celebrities (his words).

Rebecca stood from the table and made her way over to the bottom of the steps that led to the upstairs area. There was a bouncer with a bald head and bulging muscles sitting in front of the steps. The word security stretched across his extremely broad chest.

This is a bad idea, Rebecca quickly realized. There is no way this guy is going to let me through. She had no ID with her that showed she worked for the Penguins. Not that it would make much of a difference anyway. It wasnt like this private party was open to random staff anyway. James was right. These guys were celebrities, living the VIP life up there, she had no business even asking.

Giving up before even trying, Rebecca turned to go back to her seat, but as she did, she bumped into someone heading right for the stairs.

It was Tanger.

He looked at her for a moment, as if he was trying to place her. Ryan Whitney stood next to him, clearly wasted and impatient to get back upstairs.

Then recognition dawned on his face. "Coopsy," he said, his voice heavy with the french accent.

"Oh hi," Rebecca said feebly, feeling foolish.

Tanger smiled, then looked up at the top of the stairs. "Max!" he called, then pointed at Rebecca, "It's Coopsy!"

Rebecca felt even more awkward and she shot a look over at her table, Dara was nearly out of her seat, while James texted furiously on his phone.

Max looked over the railing and down at the group below. His face broke into a wide grin, "Hey oopsy!"

This was such a bad idea, Rebecca thought miserablely.

"Come up!" Max yelled down.

Tanger smiled at Rebecca, "Do you want to come up?"

Rebecca knew she shouldnt come across as desperate but the alcohol fueled desire to impress her friends won out.

"Sure," she said smiling widely at Kris.

Rebecca turned back to the table and gestured for Dara and James to join them. The two sprung from their seats and were hot on her heels in seconds. Ryan had already gone upstairs, but Kris politely said hello to Rebecca's friends, who returned an enthusiastic hello back.

They group headed up the stairs and soon came upon how the other half lived. It was much nicer upstairs. Big lush couches, trendy decor and their own bar. There were about twenty odd people mingling up there. Most Rebecca didn't recognize, but some she did. There were a few trainers and some of the other players.

Max was waiting for them at the top of the steps, "Oopsy!" he shouted, even though she was right in front of him, his eyes were bright and glazed and as he pulled her into a tight hug, she could smell the booze on him.

"I'm so glad you're here," he continued to shout and he held her out in front of him. Then his eyes shifted to Dara and he let out a low whistle. "And who is this?" he asked his French accent suddenly thick.

Rebecca made her introductions and Max instantly took a liking to Dara and as the two made their way to the bar chatting and making googly at one another, Rebecca could easily tell Dara took a liking as well.

Rebecca and James just stood taking it all in, when she felt a poke on her shoulder blade, she turned to see Sid standing there smiling.

"Hi," he said sort of awkwardly, giving her a small wave.

He looked wonderful, Rebecca thought. Jeans and a button up shirt, his hair gelled into place. His eyes were also bright like Max's but it seemed he might just be a bit buzzed than loaded like Talbo was.

"Hi," she smiled widely back. It was another clumsy moment where they just stood there, then James unable to hold back, interjected himself in. He gushed to Sid about being a fan and what a great game he had. Sid was very polite, shaking James' hand and making easy conversation. It was interesting to watch Sid be in "Sidney Crosby" mode. Rebecca had only seen glimpses of it when sick kids would visit the locker room or military heroes would catch a practice. It was interesting to see how his face became guarded, his voice changed to a more formal tone and his spine straightened. After a few minutes, James moved onto the bar and Sid and Rebecca were alone.

Conversation came much quicker when it was just the two of them. Sid pointed out who some of the people were. Family of players, agents, friends. They got a drink and people watched from the corner. Sid was often approached but he didn't seem to insert himself in the middle of the action. Which Rebecca liked. They chatted about the holidays and what they'd gotten their families for Christmas. They told one another about funny Christmas traditions and silly family members. Where Rebecca's mother's side of the family had been rather small, her dad's side was huge. She had all these Canadian relatives that she saw only during the holidays and some were real characters.

The time flew by and soon it was closing time. Dara came and found Rebecca just as last call was announced. She looked a little mused and her lipstick was smeared, Max was by her side wearing most of her gloss on his own lips.

"James is throwing up," Dara said simply.

"We should go," Rebecca replied.

"You can't go," Max interjected, "After party at my house."

Dara nodded excitedly, "Yes! After party! I will call James' roommates, they're uber nerds, don't drink and stay up late playing World of Warcraft, they can come pick him up."

"Siddo, you in?" Max slurred. Sid looked at Rebecca and they knew what this was going to be. Sid didn't want Rebecca to be the third wheel or left alone while Dara and Max got to know each other. He could have just taken her home, but he'd probably had a few more than was safe, so instead he nodded. With James between his two friends, the group headed out the back and conveniently to Max's condo which was located just behind the bar.

Soon, James friends arrived and collected James. They'd never watched a sporting event in their lives, so they didn't even look twice at Sid and Max.

Max grabbed Dara's hand and they made their way into Max's place. He led them upstairs to his rooftop, grabbing some beers on the way.

It was amazing up there. You could see all of Carson street below you and out across the horizon the city's skyline. Max and Dara were all over each other, while Sid and Rebecca stayed quiet taking in the view. It wasn't long before the amorous couple disappeared.

Sid and Rebecca took a seat on a bench and laughed nervously at each other.

"He does this a lot," Sid warned. "I hope your friend isn't looking for...a commitment." He looked adorably apologetic. Rebecca smiled, her head still swimming.

"Don't worry, I have a feeling she does too." She took a sip of her beer and looked out at the city.

"I love this city," she said softly. Rebecca looked at Sid, "Is it weird to have a whole city worship you?" she asked bluntly.

Sid laughed a took a big swig of his drink, he paused for a moment, looking thoughtful. "Do you want my answer, or the real answer?"

"The real one."

"Yes. Very weird. Scary, weird, overwhelming...really overwhelming. No matter what, it hasn't stopped being weird. I wouldn't change it, for anything. I love this city too. I love what I do. I am so lucky to be where I am, but yeah...I dont know if you ever get used to it."

Rebecca felt honored that he was being so honest with her, so she decided to be honest too. "I'm afraid to leave. I mean when I graduate. I'm scared about what's next."

Sid looked at her, "But you're going to Yale. That's a big deal, that's incredible."

"I'm not there yet. I'm still waiting to hear back. I guess it's just that, all my life I have planned for this. For college at Pitt. To be close to my mom. And I'm scared of that ending. That I wont feel this connection to her anymore. I..." This was not the place for it, but Rebecca found herself with a bad case of word vomit. "I dont remember her voice. I try and I try and I can't remember what she sounded like. My Aunt Hilary, she sounds a little bit like her, but it's not enough. I used to be able to here my mom's voice in my head, but I can't remember now."

Rebecca felt the hot tears roll down her face. She felt so stupid. She was such a drunken cliché.

She felt Sid shift a bit next to her, "I'm sorry," she said wiping at her tears, "It's the alcohol talking, I'm such a lightweight."

He didn't answer her, not at first, then he spoke, "What do you remember about her?" he asked, his voice soft.

Rebecca looked out at the city and he clouded mind tried to select a memory and grab hold of it. The thoughts floated past her until one lingered and Rebecca grabbed onto it.

She smiled through her tears, "It's really dumb."

She looked at Sid, but he was just grinning at her. He was the most perfect person she'd ever met and her heart swelled just looking at him.

"Tell me," he said, his teeth almost glowing in the moonlight.

"When I'd get upset or be sad about something, she would touch my nose."

Sid made a funny face, "She'd what?"

Rebecca giggled. "She'd sort of pet my nose. I'd be crying or going on about something that wasnt fair or some mean thing another kid had said to me and she would just reach out and run her finger up and down my nose. And suddenly things were better. I'm not sure why it always worked, but it did." Rebecca shrugged, she felt better. She may not be able to hear her mom's voice, but she could still feel the soft pad of her mom's finger. But memory soon became more than she could take and Rebecca felt the tears come hard.

"I miss her. This time of year especially, I miss her so much." She was crying steadily now, completely overwhelmed with grief to even be embarrassed.

She felt his arms come around her, and she let herself just fall into Sid's embrace. He held her tight, not really saying anything. His hold was strong and secure and it was what she needed more than anything. They stayed that way for a short while. Finally the tears subsided and Rebecca felt better having let out all the emotion that had been building as the holiday season had neared. She pulled back from Sid, her eyes wet, her nose runny.

She knew she must look a mess.

Sid didn't say anything, just gave her a small lopsided smile. Then he reached a finger out and ran in up and down her nose. His touch was gentle, the pad of his finger rough, not soft like her mother's.

Then without a thought in her head, Rebecca surged forward and pressed her lips to his. She was a little clumsy but she didn't care. While his finger had been rough, his lips were soft and supple. She kissed him soundly, her lips moving against his surprised mouth. She waited for his lips to move beneath hers, but they didn't.

He didn't pull away, but he didn't kiss her back.

In what seemed like forever, but was in reality only a few seconds, Rebecca pulled back.

He looked at her sad and sorry.

Rebecca instantly went red, mortified by what she'd done. The look on his face, sobered her up immediately.

"I'm...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She said quickly, wishing she could disappear.

She hated the look on his face. Regret soaked his features.

Then he said it.

"I have a girlfriend."


Now

His lips move gently across mine, soft but insistent. His hands come up and cup my cheeks, holding me in place as he tastes me. I have no defense against him. My mouth opens and his tongue takes the opportunity to delve in between my lips. His tongue finds mine and they begin to reacquaint. We move in sync with one another. Touching and tasting, the feel of his lips, his mouth, his tongue...I've missed it all. More than anything, I've missed the nearness of him. His body pressed up against mine. He intensifies the kiss and suddenly we're moving. He steps forward as I step back and we continue this little dance until my back is against the arch between my dining room and living room. And then he makes a noise of approval, happy to have the leverage, as he pushes into me, his mouth moving skillfully against mine and his body pressed fully into me.

I can feel his arousal. It's hard against my thigh and it takes all I have not to part my legs, just a little bit, so that his hips can cradle into mine and we can find relief.

I'm losing myself in this kiss, so very quickly and easily. Katy is out of the picture. Although this isn't something I've heard before. Does this mean we have a shot? How does that even work? Is that what he wants? It seems like he does, but his actions for so many years say different. I can't hold a candle to Katy. I never could.

What's changed, what's different?

Is that I'm leaving? Is it that Sid hates to lose? My brain can't process all these thoughts at once especially not with the mind numbing things his tongue is doing right now. I'm kissing him back, I'm giving as good as I'm getting. And I'm back where I started. All those months it took to get over him. To make it not so hard to see him. To be able to do my job and not fall apart every day. I'd worked hard to get to that point and now, with a single kiss. I'm back where I started.

I push him up and off of me. He stumbles back, his mouth is swollen, his lips impossibly huge. His cheeks are flushed and his eyes bright with desire.

It's too much. It's all too much.

"You need to leave." I tell him, my voice weak.

"Becs," his voice is hoarse, low.

"No." I cant do this. Not like this.

"You need to leave." My voice strong now.

"I wont give up," he says and a part of me wants to ask him not to.

But this, the way it is now, wont work. We're a big knot, a mess of feelings and expectations and baggage. We're like a big tangle of christmas lights that will take hours to unravel. And too much has happened tonight. The knot has only gotten bigger.

"Bye, Sid." I say quietly and he just looks at me, really looks at me and I think he understands the knot.

He nods and I hear the door behind me open and then his voice.

"I mean it, I wont give up." He sounds more sure of himself now and I cant think about what it could all mean.

But I need time to process, I need to figure out my feelings. It was one thing when I loved him, but the idea that he could, somehow, someday love me back?

It surrounds me and I feel as if it could drown me.

Because I'm not ready for that. I'm not prepared for what comes with that.

But if I'm brave enough, I'm willing to find out.

***author's note: Yay for kissing time! I hope you enjoyed the chapter, I really liked writing this one. Not as exhausting with some of the angst let out, but as you can see there is more to come. BTW for those of you who don't know, talbot really did live behind Mario's in south side, so I feel like it's not too far fetched to think he brought home a few ladies during his years in pittsburgh. thank you for your patience with this chapter, December has flown by but I wanted to get this up before the holidays. I will be going out of town for a few weeks, so it will be a while until the next chapter, but please stick around! Everyone have a wonderful holiday and a safe new year! And yay for Sid being on the mend again! ***